Tales of a former walking highlighter

BSC #50 Dawn's Big Date

2011-11-22T08:56:00.007-06:00

I was running all the BSC kids through my head, trying to find one I didn't find partially annoying and discovered that, to my knowledge, there is only one: Norman Hill. He is such a sad sack, and cracks me up. Enormous Hill! I vaguely recall him being mentioned in passing in another book. He was still fat. What I want to know is, why does Jamie Newton have to be in like every freaking book and Karen gets her own series, but Norman pretty much is contained to this book? Can you imagine if it had been Norman instead of Jamie when they were lost on that island? Haley would've been eaten. The first day. If Norman had gone to Florida instead of Karen, he would've charged a lobster dinner instead of a manicure to the room. Norman on the Krushers is like the fat kid from Little Giants, PBJ in his helmet and all. See what I mean, everything is way funnier with Norman around!

Also, this book is made of win because Dawn drops her hippie shit and pulls off some of the hottest fashions I have ever heard of in my life.

So it's New Year's Eve for probably the 90th time in Stoneybrook but the BSC members are still in 8th grade. Just go with it. Dawn and Mary Anne are having a sleepover and are planning what food to serve. Mary Anne wants mini pizzas and pigs-in-a-blanket, and Dawn wants healthy stuff. Healthy stuff can be good, but Dawn wants gross healthy stuff, like soybean pie. Beans do not a pie make. Unless it's a pot pie. Anyway, Mary Anne tells Dawn that Logan's hick cousin, Lewis, who Dawn has been writing to since #37, is going to come soon for a visit. Dawn is scared Lewis won't find her attractive. Well, you have all your teeth and you're not related to him, so you've got that going for you, Dawn.

Dawn and Mary Anne arrive one minute late to the BSC meeting, and Kristy has a cow. Claudia lightens the mood by bringing out a popcorn tin, which makes me love her even more. I fucking love popcorn tins! This is Chapter Two, so Dawn describes all the members and there's nothing of importance to note other than Stacey still has diabetes, Jessi's still black, and they book a job for a new client - the Hills!

New Year's Eve Party. How were they all not booked for jobs? We're supposed to believe that the parents of Stoneybrook can't stay home every other night of the year, but on the night when everyone goes out all of a sudden decide to be with their kids? I don't think so. Anyway, the club all arrives, and Stacey has a super chilly new cassette tape to show Mary Anne - Cam Geary Sings! I guess he's no Beibs, because he sucks ass. The girls make their resolutions, and Dawn silently resolves to get a man. Don't we all?

Time for Dawn to meet the Hills! I'm so excited! She describes Sarah as pretty and slim with a long neck, and Norman as fat. LOL Dawn. Norman says he has to do homework and lumbers off to his room. Sarah shows Dawn her room and then barges in on Norman, who is stuffing his face with Hostess. Dawn tells him to clean it up and to come play. They decide to watch The Little Mermaid, and Norman secretly eats Hershey Kisses the entire time. At one point during the movie, Dawn realizes he's not next to her and she finds him in the kitchen with a PBJ and a pile of Oreos. She says he'll spoil his dinner and he tells her they won't eat until 8. That is pretty late for a little kid, we always ate around 5 and my bed time was 9. Sarah's friend Elizabeth comes over and starts calling Norman Enormous Hill and Dawn doesn't find it half as amusing as I do, even though she is also thinking mean thoughts about Norman. Dawn's a hypocrite. Norman tells Dawn that if he doesn't drop 20 he has to go to fat camp this summer and he totes doesn't want to. Dawn really feels his pain when she looks outside and sees that Sarah and Elizabeth have made a fat snowman and written "Enormous Hill" in the snow.

You know, Norman's 7. I know it would suck for everyone to not have junk food in the house because of him, but really, if whoever did the grocery shopping didn't buy Oreos and peanut butter and cupcakes, then he wouldn't be tempted. I'm 26, and I know that if I buy potato chips I will sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives and eat the entire bag in one sitting and then feel bad about myself, so I don't buy them. If it's not there, I can't eat it. It's not like Norman can drive to Jewel or McDonald's and load up on crap. If the entire family hates that he's a fattypants, then they all have to make sacrifices.

Dawn gets home and contemplates her day. She is sad that Norman's life is so sad. If he stops being such a puss now, he'll prob be a football player in high school, just sayin'. Mary Anne comes running in the house and writes on the calendar that Lewis Bruno is arriving in a week. Dawn freaks because she doesn't think it's enough time to improve herself. She runs upstairs to go through some fashion mags, and Mary Anne decides to give her a makeover. Bowl cut for the win? Nope, just hot rollers and heavy makeup. Dawn makes a Flashdance sweatshirt and then they take a super sexual picture and mail it to Lewis. Hick boner!

Claudia gets the pleasure of sitting for the Hills. Does anyone else get that Natasha Bedingfield song in their head when they read that? Feel the rain on your skin! She's giving Sarah an art lesson when Norman arrives home from his after-school program. Snowballs and insults follow him, and he cries and goes to his room. Sarah goes outside to play with Elizabeth. After awhile, Norman sneaks downstairs and begins to eat away his feelings with Oreos. This book is making me hungry. Also tired. Norman tells Claudia that he has a friend named Teddy at school, and a pen pal named Brittany, who is totes his gf. Claudia doesn't believe him, because no one likes a fat kid. Teddy calls for Norman, proving Claudia half wrong, and while he's on the phone she finds a draft of a letter to Brittany. It talks about how awesome he was at fighting a school bully and she's really pretty but how his mom's camera is broken so he can't send her a picture. His school pic is lying right next to it. Claudia is sure Norman's fat ass will never send Brittany a pic, because he is fat. Fat.

Dawn contemplates what she should do for her new look. She Project Runways that shit up, and makes some more Flashdance sweatshirts, some ripped jeans, a skirt out of sweatpants, and takes in a bunch of other jeans to make them tighter. Hot! Plus, who knew she was so good at sewing? The BSC members, of course, do not like her new look. Those bitches hate change. I swear, the best way to guarantee a fight within the BSC is to get some highlights or some shit. They won't speak to you for a week. However, the Flashdance sweatshirts start making Dawn act like a total cooze, cracking her sugarfree bubblegum all over the place and generally pissing Kristy off. She defends her right to change herself if she damn well pleases, and when the meeting ends sends a super sexual postcard to Lewis about his hunky voice. Easy there, killer.

The Brunos, Mary Anne, and Dawn all go to LaGuardia to go pick up Lewis. Dawn has the hottest outfit ever on, and you know where she got it? Motherfucking Zingy's. What now, bitches? She's wearing black ballet slippers, black lace capri leggings, a short metallic silver tutu skirt, and a tight long sleeved black and white striped top. She is also wearing black rubber bangles, two long feather earrings in one ear, and black hoops in the two holes in the other ear. Guys, can we talk about this? I had to make a visual of it, it's so freaking hot:

Mary Anne asks Dawn if she wants to change her skirt and she says hell to the naw, that's the best part! Agreed. Mary Anne is totes stale. They pick up Lewis, and Dawn doesn't say much. Afterwards, Mary Anne yells at her for being lame. Let that one sit with you for awhile.

Stacey's turn to sit for Enormous Hill. Sarah is going to have a picnic with Elizabeth but Norman can't come because he's a lardass and needs to stick to his diet. Their mom hands Stacey a Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and tells them that it would be hot if Norman did that today. Norman, to his credit, does start doing it, and then says he needs a drink and lumbers off to the kitchen. He leaves the water running so long that Stacey goes in to investigate and finds him chowing down on potato chips. Norman's no dummy, he turned on the water to cover up the crunching sounds. Norman tells Stacey he eats when he's sad, and eating makes him feel happy. If he has these problems at 7, what the hell is he going to be like during puberty?

Dawn is freaking out getting ready for her double date with Lewis and Mary Anne and Logan. Mary Anne picks out her outfit, and for real, when did this bitch become Rachel Zoe? She chooses a plain black turtleneck and a jean skirt. Okay for school maybe, but not for a first date. Dawn rolls the skirt up a few inches, adds some hot tights and Zingy's boots, and puts on a buttload of makeup and hair gel. Now she's ready to rock! Except not, because the date sucks ass. They go to see Gone With the Wind, and her makeup smears all over the place when she cries. She tries to incorporate conversation tips from teen mags while talking to Lewis and ends up sounding like a rere. She spills popcorn all over the place while trying to do the reaching for popcorn at the same time and holding hands thing. Basically, it sucks butt.

Club meeting. Mary Anne and Dawn each retell the date in their own way, angrily. Kristy is over it, and wants to get down to club business. Dawn is wearing my favorite hairstyle of her "rebel" phase: tons of braids that she unbraided up to her chin so the top half is still braided and the bottom is all frizzed out. They try to come up with ways to help Norman without butting into the Hills' lives too much. Like that's ever stopped them before.

Mary Anne's turn to babysit Norman and Sarah. Sarah is acting like a little cooze, telling Mary Anne that they can't use the exercise tape she brought because Norman has a special one for fat boys. Then she starts drawing fat kid pics and putting them up on the fridge. Norman grows a pair and rips them up in front of her. Sarah gets pissed, but Mary Anne just tells her to stop drawing such mean pics. She realizes that Norman's family pushes him around just like she's been pushing Dawn around with Lewis.

Dawn decides to get Lewis alone for some hot hick lovin'. He confesses that he liked the pic of her without all the crap on her face and the non-Flashdance sweatshirt better. She tells him to come back in an hour, and takes out her hot half brand, half frizz hairstyle, puts on a shitty sweatshirt and jeans, and makes some gross health food. This time, they hit it off. All because she was herself!

After dinner Mary Anne and Dawn talk it out. Dawn felt Mary Anne was pushing her to be someone she wasn't, with all the teen mag conversation tips and shit. Mary Anne agrees, they make up, and all is good. The next day or some shit, they all go out bowling and to a health food restaurant, and everything is perfect. Lewis kisses Dawn, and she's in heaven.

The book ends with Dawn sitting for Norman again. Sarah bursts in, fresh from a fight with Elizabeth. This time, she got pissed because Elizabeth called Norman Enormous Hill again, so she pushed her ass in some snow. Norman also asks Dawn to take a Polaroid of himself to send to Brittany. He's explained to her that even though he's a fattypants now, he won't be by the summer because his mom quit buying junk food (about time). He also is pretending to be like Stacey and staying away from junk food because if he eats it it will make him sick. We end on a hopeful note, with Norman excited about the possibility about not being a lardo any more, and Dawn giddy about Lewis. Too bad we never hear if Norman lost the chub or not. Did his parents send him away to Wellspring or something?

Dawn is so over it. I don't know why, because Lewis is pretty hot. I'd hit it. Mary Anne has an unfortunate case of rosacea going on.

BSC #4 Mary Anne Saves the Day

2011-11-20T21:16:00.011-06:00

This post is brought to you by much vodka. Drunk blogging for the win! I was all like, oh man I want to update my blog and wandered into my room to go find a book. This was sitting on top of my box of books and I screamed out YES and ran back to the computer. God, I love BSC. Say hello to my friends, indeed.

Is this one of the best BSC books or what? Maybe it's because I have a black heart, but the ones where they have fights are always the best, and in this one they all fight! My perfect BSC book would consist of a mega fight, descriptions of Claudia's clothes on every other page, Little Pete (not Jackie Rodowsky), Laine, Karen being hit by a bus, Stacey's diabetes being cured so I'd never have to hear about it again, Daddy Stew, Enormous Hill, Cam Geary, the Bizzer Sign, and a pizza toast. It would be a Super Special with a neon pink glitter cover. Ann M. Martin - MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Snappleaddict's Super Chilly and Distant Special. Hot.

This fine ass piece of literature opens up with Mary Anne and Kristy meeting up to go to a BSC meeting. Since this book is old as hell, Kristy's mom hasn't yet become a Real Housewife of Stoneybrook, and they're still living next door, and across the street from Claudia. There are only three other BSC members to talk about, which doesn't really warrant the traditional Chapter Two format, so Mary Anne sums them up right then and there, which I appreciate. The meeting goes on, and everything goes fine until Mrs. Newton calls and asks for a sitter for Jamie and Lucy, who is still a newborn. Kristy answers, and accepts without offering the job around. Everyone in the club was free that night, and a gigantic fight about job-hogging ensues. Apparently Claudia also forgets to offer a lot of jobs around, which they all remind her of. Somehow Stacey gets involved and calls Claudia a stuck-up job hog, Kristy a bossy know it all, and Mary Anne a shy little baby. Mary Anne defends herself for once and calls Stacey a conceited snob, Claudia a stuck-up job hog, and Kristy the biggest, bossiest, know it all in the world, and then leaves. I blame Mrs. Newton.

Mary Anne runs home crying, and has to start dinner for her dad. Richard comes home, and I swear, it is like the most awkward dinner ever. Mary Anne sucks butt because of him. Seriously, is Mary Anne anyone's favorite BSC member? He's consistently correcting her grammar and manners and just generally being a lame ass. Come on, Richard, let her say the word gross. I promise it won't be a gateway into tattoos, marijuana, Logan's lovechild, and green hair. Thank God Dawn's mom came around and got this man laid. Anyway, Mary Anne finishes dinner and escapes to her room, which she proclaims she hates. It's decorated like a big baby's, in colors she hates. and she can't do anything about it because Richard is a hard ass. Mary Anne reflects on her fight with Kristy, and plans on signalling that she's sorry to her with their secret flashlight code. Kristy, however, keeps her windowshade down all night. Ho.

The next day, the fight is still on between all the girls. Mary Anne writes apology notes to all of them, but in the end the only one that is actually sincere is the one for Claudia. She decides to give it to her at lunch. Ah, lunch. Now here's the predicament: Mary Anne always sits with Kristy and the Shillaber twins. When she arrives in the lunchroom, Kristy is being a ho and there's def no way she can sit with them. So she sits by herself, until a new girl with long pale blonde hair asks if she can sit with her. It's Dawn, fresh in from California! Dawn assumes Mary Anne is new, too, but Mary Anne lies and says all her friends are just absent. They have a grand old time, and Kristy fumes. Mary Anne realizes later that she forgot to give the note to Claudia.

The next day is a Wednesday, which means it's a club meeting day. Mary Anne decides to head over to Kristy's house to see what's up. David Michael answers the door and then Kristy slams it in her face. Trick. School isn't much better, with Stacey and Claudia still fighting too. Mary Anne decides to hang out at Dawn's after school, and we get our first description of the farmhouse and Sharon's unorganized ass, who is putting photos in a photo album instead of unpacking. Priorities - Sharon's got them. Dawn and Mary Anne watch The Parent Trap (non-Lohan version) and Mary Anne leaves, nervous about the BSC meeting that awaits her. I love how impressed they are by Dawn having a VCR. Oh, 80s.

Meeting time. Kristy doesn't show up. The bitches fight over jobs and have to draw names out of a hat, and then fight over that. They leave without saying a word to each other, but Mary Anne gives Mimi her note to give to Claudia. She calls her after she gets home and they semi-make up. They discuss what to do about Kristy, and Mary Anne decides to try to talk to her the next day at school and see if she still wants to be a part of the BSC or not. Because that will go well.

School. Kristy is being a rude ass little trick. There's really no other way to put it. She claims that the club members should've called her every time a job came in and offered it to her, and that she doesn't need to show up to meetings because it's her club. You are acting like a cheer-tator, Kristy, and a total pain in the ass! Kristy decides that every day one club member will man the meetings and take calls, offer the jobs around that she can't take, and that way they won't have to be by each other. Lame.

Mary Anne mans a meeting by herself, and takes a job for the Prezziosos, who at this time are fairly new clients. She arrives there two days later and Jenny is dressed in a white frilly lace dress and has hair ribbons and all sorts of inappropriate shit for a 4 year old. How does she stay clean ever, my 3 year old nephew is dirty approximately 5 seconds after we dress him. Anyway, Jenny can't stay clean either, because dumbass Mary Anne lets her play with a paint with water book from her Kid-Kit and she spills all over her dress. Mary Anne - lie to her and tell her it doesn't work, duh. She's 4, she doesn't know any better. My nephew told me he wanted Skittles once and I told them they were dog food. What's he going to do, argue with me? Mary Anne manages to get the stain out of the dress before the Prezziosos come home, and is relieved.

Mary Anne grows a pair and decides to confront her father about some shit. She wants to be able to stay out until 10 for baby-sitting, redecorate her room, dress how she wants, and take her hair out of braids. I never understood the braids thing. What the hell did Richard think would happen if she wore a headband? Slut City? I kind of love Richard. Remember when he and Sharon first got married and Dawn wanted to piss him off so she unorganized his sock drawer? Anyway, he isn't open to Mary Anne's requests, and she gets pissed and calls him her jailer. He sends her to her room. I think she should just pull a Stephanie Kaye and start changing into some sexy spandex clothes at school. All the way with Mary A!

The next day Mary Anne pays a visit to Mimi to discuss her lame ass dad. Mimi tells her the same crap everyone does, about how it's not easy for Richard to be raising her alone and blah blah blah. Lots of people are single parents. She calls her "my Mary Anne" and Claudia comes in and hears and shits her technicolor pants in anger. The fight between them is back on!

Meeting. Mary Anne is manning it, and Claudia is being an a-hole and playing music super loud so she can't hear anyone on the phone. Mimi finally comes in and takes Claudia downstairs for tea so she quits being a ho. Mary Anne has to call Kristy twice to offer her jobs, and Kristy acts like a little bitch. Seriously, I would not want these immature tricks watching my newborn. Mrs. Newton, who started all this shit anyway, calls and books the entire club for Jamie's fourth birthday party. For some retarded reason beyond me, they all agree to go. They can't even stand to be in the same room for half an hour for club meetings, but they'll go to Jamie's birthday party. Mrs. Newton seriously loves to start shit, am I right?

A few days later Kristy and Mary Anne have to sit for the 3 million Pikes. They end up playing Telephone all night so they never have to speak to one another, and it's hella lame. The Pikes take their sweet ass time coming home, and Mary Anne starts panicking because she'll be out past her curfew. I'm sure if she just called Richard and was like, yo, I'm still here waiting for them and they're not home yet, but I'm okay and not out getting wasted and stuff, he'd be fine. But no, instead she freaks out and as soon as the Pikes walk in the door makes them drive her home. Kristy calls her a baby.

When Mary Anne arrives home Richard is naturally waiting for her, because it's a few minutes past nine. He's actually pretty cool about it, though, and says things come up and next time just call if she thinks she might be a little late (told you!). Mary Anne brings up the point that it would be a lot easier on everyone if she could just stay out until at least 9:30 on the weekdays and Richard is like hell to the naw. Shot down yet again!

Mary Anne decides the next day to end the fight with Kristy once and for all, because it's dumb as hell. Word. Dawn comes over and they go through Richard's old yearbooks to see if he knew Sharon and discover that they were totes doing it in high school. I wonder if Richard organized his sock drawer back then too.

The next day or whatever, Mary Anne goes to babysit Jenny again. The Prezziosos are going to a basketball game an hour away. Jenny is being a trick as usual and refuses to do anything but scream. That child seriously needs a good beating. She falls asleep while Mary Anne is reading her a story and Mary Anne realizes she is super hot. She takes her temperature and discovers she has a fever of 104. Mary Anne begins calling everyone - Jenny's doctor, the Pikes, the next-door neighbors, and her father, but no one is home. She doesn't want to call the other members of the BSC, so she calls Dawn. Sharon's not home to help, either, but Dawn comes over and tells her to call 911 to see what to do. The dispatcher tells her little kids often run really high temps and it can mean nothing, but Jenny should be looked at anyway. Since Mary Anne can't drive and no one is home, an ambulance is sent on its way.

Turns out Jenny has strep throat. Her parents arrive a little while later, having been paged over the PA at the gymnasium to go home and head to the hospital. It's weird to think of a time before cell phones, right? They pay Mary Anne and Dawn 10 dollars each for taking care of Jenny and handling the situation so well, which Mary Anne is impressed with but I am not. Mary Anne invites Dawn over to look at photo albums and see if they can find any pics of Richard and Sharon together. She totes puts on a show of laughing with Dawn in her room because Kristy is watching from her room (creepy!) and Dawn catches her and gets pissed. She leaves and Mary Anne cries because now she for real has no friends.

Mary Anne is super preoccupied during dinner and really doesn't feel like hanging out with Richard. They're interrupted by a phone call from the Prezziosos, in which Mrs. Prezzioso tells Richard in a hurry how proud of Mary Anne she is and basically Richard is all like, the fuck? Mary Anne tells him afterwards what happened with Jenny and he realizes that she isn't a little kid any more and agrees to extend her baby-sitting hours to 9:30 on weekdays and 10 on weekends. Mary Anne pushes her luck, and runs upstairs, takes out her braids, and then asks Richard how she looks. Instead of saying "Like a common whore!" like I thought, he says she looks lovely and agrees to let her hair flow freely in the wind, and she can also redecorate her room. Richard? Totally jerked off before coming home from work that night.

Jamie's party. That bitch Mrs. Newton is there so we know it's going to suck. Also, I've never liked Jamie. I think he's supposed to be cute or something, but he just annoys the shit out of me with his hi-hi crap. Anyway, the club members argue all throughout the party, culminating in Mary Anne pouring punch in Kristy's lap, Claudia flinging a wet napkin at Stacey, and Stacey smushing a napkin in Claudia's face. Jamie starts to cry, and Mrs. Newton is pissed. Mary Anne apologizes for everyone, and tells the rest of the club members that there is an emergency meeting of the BSC after the party, and their trick asses had better be there. Do you guys always read "emergency meeting" with the same sense of urgency that I do? I love it.

EMERGENCY MEETING. No one really remembers why they're mad or who they're mad at, so they all count to three and apologize at the same time. It's all super lame, but a fuck of a lot better then reading about them sticking their tongues out at each other every few pages.

Mary Anne finally gets the story from Richard on what went down with him and Sharon. They dated in high school, but broke up because Sharon's dad (aka Pop-Pop) didn't think Richard was good enough for her. She moved to California, they both married other people, and the rest is history. Mary Anne calls Dawn and tells her the news. They freak out and then she decides to call Kristy to see if Dawn can be in the BSC.

Richard has been invaded by space aliens or something, because he decides to let Mary Anne have a BSC party. She also invites Dawn, and Sharon drops her off. Richard wastes no time in asking that hot piece of unorganized ass out, and she accepts. The girls are hella excited. The club members all arrive, and meet Dawn. Mary Anne tells them how great she was with Jenny and shit, and she doesn't have to go through any written tests or anything like Mallory did, because she's in. The BSC is now a five member club, and they have a pizza toast to celebrate!

Do you guys think Sharon gave it up on the first date? I do.

Ah, the classic cover. Mary Anne looks about 9, and Jenny is the fuggest child I have ever seen in my life. Both of them have some unfortunate bangs situations going on.

And the new cover. Do not tell me for one second that Richard let Mary Anne out of the house in a skirt hiked up all the way to her jay. No way in hell.

BSC VHS #3 Stacey's Big Break

2011-10-23T19:30:00.002-05:00

Damn I've been busy and neglectful. I'm terrible. So here you go, a real update!

We open up with the first few bars of the theme song, and I already feel myself start to perk up (note to self: make this a ringtone NOW). The BSC is picking up some pizzas and looking at fashion mags along the way. I'm already in love with this episode, because I know I can squeeze in numerous Top Model references. The theme song commences, and I sit on my bed and sing along, as I always do. And this, my friends, is why I don't have a boyfriend.

BSC meeting. Stacey comes in a minute late and doesn't get yelled at by Kristy. I CALL SHENANIGANS! Anyway, with a flip of her extra frizzed out hair, she informs the others that a friend of her mom's called and asked her to model at Bellair's. Mallory isn't wearing glasses. WTF is with the continuity here? Kristy is shitting bricks about how the BSC is putting on the play Snow White and it hasn't been cast yet. Broadway is surely weeping over the loss. Stacey says that it's Tuesday and she needs to collect dues, and now it's my turn to shit bricks, because hello? BSC meetings are on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and dues are collected on Mondays! I demand a rewrite. The phone rings and OMG, it's the Bellair's modelling rep wanting to take Stacey's pictures next Tuesday! I'm so sure. Like she'd really call the BSC number. Stacey frets over what to wear and do with her hair, and Mary Anne says her hair is her best feature. I piss myself laughing because it looks like something crawled up and died on that girl's head. If that's her best feature, then I'd hate to see her worst.

The next day or something Stacey is babysitting Charlotte. Charlotte kind of sucks. I know she's supposed to be all shy and sweet and stuff, but I always just wanted to tell her to man up. Anyway, Stacey is reading her Snow White, and I think you know where this is going. I predict she'll talk her into playing the part of Snow White but be so busy with her modelling career that she won't be able to help her learn her lines. Man, I'm awesome. Stacey's hair is in a braid that is as fat as her thigh. Complete with scrunchies. Plural.

The BSC is giving Stacey fashion advice on what to wear for her meeting at Bellair's. Won't they give her clothes? Also, why did they invite Mallory? And Kristy? And Mary Anne? I'd basically only let Claudia and Dawn there. They decide on a super sexy dark purple blazer and white button down, buttoned all the way up, with some totally hot flowered spandex pants and her hair in a stylish banana clip. Mallory says she looks fabulous. Take it off, Stacey!

Apparently cheap ass Bellair's is making her wear her own shit, because she's mugging in front of the camera in that very same outfit. The photographer says she has natural talent and that the camera loves her. Stacey preens and primps and soaks up the compliments.

Then there's another photo scene outside where some random little girl is staring at Stacey. It's kind of creepy. Stacey is wearing a big purple beret, because that's how we did it in the early 90's. I also had one. It matched my Gitano coat. So I can't make fun of her too much, I guess. Well, yeah I can. She looks like a dweeb.

OMG LITTLE PETE! Kristy is trying to hold a rehearsal for their play. Charlotte isn't cooperating because Stacey isn't there. Apparently all the other 6 members of the BSC aren't good enough. Kristy says Stacey better show up to the next rehearsal or else there may not be a show. I'm sure you're really in jeopardy of losing that Tony, Kristy.

Modelling shit. An agent or someone compliments Stacey on how well she wears clothes. She's wearing a butt-ugly dress. Stacey smiles and never says thank you. Then she yawns and the agent says she better keep her strength up. I'm surprised she hasn't mentioned her diabetes.

Montage! Stacey models outside in an outfit I totally had in 1992 - a blue polka dot top and lime green shorts. Shut up. Then she rollerblades in a sporty outfit, except I guess she can't rollerblade. Throughout all this, she kind of looks like a shitty model. She's not even looking at the camera, or even going anywhere near it, for that matter. Also, the photographer seems super creepy. I'm just saying, if I was Stacey's mom, I'd be asking for some credentials. I'm pretty sure he can't be around any parks or schools.

Pizza with the BSC. They want all the deets on Stacey's modelling career, but she's too tired. She bitches about how she had to wear shorts outside in the cold, and then she denies herself pizza because she says the agent lady says she's too fat and needs to lose ten pounds. Tyra had to wear a bikini in Antarctica while eating nothing but celery and lemon water for eight months straight and jogging 18 miles on a permanent incline on her treadmill on 2 hours of sleep and you know what? SHE TURNED OUT A FIERCE PICTURE AND NEVER COMPLAINED! That's Miss Banks, if you're nasty.

Stacey sees Charlotte at the pizza parlor, and Charlotte totes freezes her out. I didn't know she had it in her! Stacey tells her she'll work with her on Saturday on her part for the play, but Charlotte tells her in a newly acquired Jersey accent not to bother because Dawn is now her helper. Stacey is sad. She goes back to the BSC and stuffs her face with a piece of pizza. Eat those feelings, Stacey!

Runway show! I guess the pictures were just for a competition and this is it. Now it's the face-off, kind of like the stomp of death at the end of every Top Model season. I watch so much Top Model that I permanently stomp around everywhere like I'm on a runway, even though I'm 5 feet tall, a size 7, and hideously deformed. Don't take away my dreams! Anyway, the winner gets a bunch of shit, including a trip to Hollywood. And the winner is...Stacey McGill! The BSC congratulates her, but can't stay for the celebration party because they have to rehearse for Snow White. Stacey says she'll for sure be at the performance tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

Dress rehearsal. Charlotte is whining that she wants Stacey, and I want to duct tape her mouth shut. Little Pete is being awesome, Kristy is being a bossy trick, and surprise surprise, Stacey doesn't show up.

Model shit. Some little girl is running around and Stacey calms her down. Her mom says she must have a lot of siblings, and of course, Stacey says nope, she's part of the Baby-sitters Club! The mom is like, the hell you say? Stacey plugs the club hardcore until she's called into the agent lady's office. Agent lady gives her some commercial lines to read and Stacey says she has to be somewhere by 4. Agent lady's like, um no, you're doing your commercial then. Stacey flat out tells her that the BSC is putting on a play and she needs to be there. The agent lady tries to explain to her that she will get a lot of exposure from the commercial and from winning the contest, but Stacey refuses, saying the BSC is the most important thing to her. Agent lady hands her her beret. No freakout? Tyra would be disappointed.

Future Tony Award winning play. Not. It goes about as you'd expect. Stacey comes and saves the day and Charlotte doesn't forget her lines. Everything is perfect and hugs and grins are given all around. Charlotte needs some Crest WhiteStrips.

Stacey informs the BSC she quit modelling, and the theme song plays. Hahaha, the wardrobe was provided by Gitano! I told you!

So who wants to do karaoke with me and sing the BSC theme song? I must say I am wailing it out pretty impressively.

Apparently the site I used for screencaps is down, so I can't get any, sorry! I'll try to find a way.

Sweet Valley Confidential...What?

2011-04-20T11:55:00.004-05:00

So I can tell you what Francine Pascal was doing in the 20 or so years since the first SVH book was released, sure as hell not picking up any book with the words Sweet Valley in the title and reading it.

Now I admit, I haven't read all the books myself. I've probably read the majority of SVH, a good chunk of SVU, all the Sagas, and a few SVT, SVK, and Junior High (no Senior Year or Elizabeth series). Still, I could own the f-ing CREATOR in a game of Sweet Valley trivia, because she doesn't even know Lila's father's name! It's GEORGE, not RICHARD! I threw the book across the room after that one.

I was confused as hell throughout this entire book. First of all, they're pretending the whole Elizabeth series never happened, while still ripping it off. Okay. Second, it just jumped right into the story, making you feel like you were missing something. I had to Google to see if I should've read the Elizabeth series or the last SVU novels to understand what the hell was going on. Nope, that's how the book was written. Plus, I was so unnerved by all the sex and swearing. I don't want to hear about Elizabeth's orgasms, that's gross. I especially don't want to read about Todd watching porn. Ew. I mean, okay, they're adults now, but damn it, if Jessica could date 90% of SVH and we're supposed to believe she didn't sleep around, then let me believe they still don't!

Now for the spoilers.

I don't buy the character changes. Bruce, a good guy who is in love with his best friend, ELIZABETH (book thrown)? Steven married to Cara (I thought he knocked up Billie in SVU and they got married, someone please clarify this for me), then Steven being gay? Winston supposedly an asshole, though we're never shown him, then unceremoniously killed off (supposedly he fell from a balcony, I think Margo came back and pushed him)? Todd and Jessica, doing it since SVU? Olivia Davidson not mentioned in the dead list in the epilogue?

There is one good thing about Sweet Valley Confidential. 1BRUCE1 is alive and well.

Nothing I ever write will ever top this

2010-08-17T11:44:00.003-05:00

One of my favorite authors (who actually does not write young adult novels, shocker), Bret Easton Ellis, has done his spin on the BSC. If you've read "Less Than Zero" or any of his other books you'll get the tone of it, but even if you haven't, it's hilarious. I pretty much died of happiness. Here's a link:

http://crushable.com/other-stuff/baby-sitters-club-by-bret-easton-ellis-chapter-1/

Also, please note that the final round of the hottest man candy has started. It's a tough choice. I'm a sucker for blue eyes and guys that lean, so I may go for Jordan Catalano. Who knows?

If you haven't read the BSC prequel yet, get on it! It's written by Ann, so it's not all jacked up concerning the facts (though I read it a few months ago so it may have some details wrong, I can't remember), and even though it's a prequel I thought it seemed like a sweet ending. Kind of like a goodbye to my childhood friends. Now I'm getting all emotional and shit, which totally does not go with the cold-hearted bitch persona I try to portray, so I better sign out.

Vote here!

2010-04-09T16:29:00.003-05:00

I'm from the Chicago area, home of corrupt politics, so sometimes I vote multiple times on my own polls from different computers or by signing out. Eh, it happens. You've seen our former governor on the Celebrity Apprentice, you know how we roll (JOKING). But this post isn't about me (for once, but I'm sure I'll find a way to make it about me), it's about this super cool list that another blog is compiling (I read about it on Go Fug Yourself, one of my faves), where you can vote for your top ten favorite young adult novels! At the end she'll compile a list of the top 100 young adult novels. So get to voting, and let's hope your faves show up. And hey, comment here and let me know what you put, 'cause I'm nosy.

Here's the link:

http://spreadsheets.google.com/viewform?hl=en&formkey=dDNCcElzR1V6VERqeVpiVm9nTG9WMEE6MA

New Poll!

2010-04-08T21:33:00.003-05:00

Hottest Man Candy - Part 3!

Jordan Catalano leaned his way into your hearts and stole nearly half the votes! He'll go on to compete with Jake Ryan in the finals of the sexiest men alive.

Now onto our fresh meat:

Bailey Salinger - In sixth grade (before Hanson came out) I had the hugest crush on Scott Wolf and lived for Party of Five. I still love the show and those baby blue eyes and dimples.

Ian Somerhalder - Good Lord this boy is beautiful! Only reason I watched the short lived Dawson's Creek spin-off Young Americans.

Uncle Jesse - As a lifelong Full House fan, I can honestly say now that the show is pretty terrible (I still love it though) but that man can babysit me anyday...in bed.

Uncle Jesse's mullet - Didn't we all kind of get pissed at Stephanie when she cut it off? That mullet was an art form.

Yeah, I know

2010-03-21T19:27:00.003-05:00

So I took an extended time off to mourn my birthday, I guess. Sue me. Or don't, because I've been blowing all my money on Betsey Johnson shoes and would have to represent myself and got my degree in Psychology, not law. At least I'd look hot, right?

I tried to watch the sequel to Center Stage today, and holy crap, that shit is TERRIBLE. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie, otherwise I would've done a post on it, because trust me, I was making fun of it hardcore. Sandy Cohen and Cooper Nielsen were the only people to return from the original movie. Cooper is still a smarmy show-off who wears too much eyeliner and is such a flaming homo that there is no way any woman could mistake hom for straight, and he did not take is time off between movies to learn how to act, and Sandy Cohen's famed eyebrows are still intact. Oh, and former hockey players who become dancers suddenly develop New York accents halfway through the movie, and girls who get into the dance company order Cosmos from bars, while girls who don't order beers. The rest of the movie is irrelevant. Center Stage is one of my favorite movies, but I didn't expect much from the sequel. Let's just say I wasn't disappointed.

I miss Saturday morning cartoons. Specifically, Disney's One Saturday Morning (hosted by Stacey from the BSC tv show!), with Pepper Ann, The Weekenders, Recess, that one short that was the class pictures that talked that the name is escaping me but I know the videos are on YouTube and I'm just too lazy to look for...I even loved the theme song. So, here you go!

California Diaries #2 Sunny

2010-02-03T22:24:00.001-06:00

So I'm a dumb ho. It took me until just a few months ago to realize that I can sign up through my crappy library for online ordering, which means that I can place holds on books in any library in our system (which has something like 60 libraries), and I can do it without ever having to move from my bed or talk to a librarian and admit I'm reserving and ordering Baby-sitters Club books. Therefore, my blogging choices are pretty much unlimited; I just remember a book I loved as a child, place a hold online, and in a few days I get a little email telling me to get my ho ass to the library to come get it (I wish the email literally said that, it would make my day). So now I can finally work my way towards finishing the California Diaries - I'm dying to make fun of Ducky, and you know I love that ho Maggie.

I LOVE Sunny. It's kind of hard to snark on her because she does it herself, and she's also dealing with her pain in a very real way. She's not a dumb bitch like Dawn, that's for sure. Her life legitimately is suck-tastic and she has a lot of heavy shit to deal with that's way more traumatizing than having to go to a different school. Okay, so she's an avoider when it comes to her problems, but shit, I think we can cut her some slack. Too bad bitchface Dawn won't.

Sunny opens up her diary with her insomnia. Bitch needs some Simply Sleep. She can't sleep because her mom is back in the hospital with a cough, which means that the chemo and radiation have to be stopped until she gets better. Also, her dad divides his time between being with her mom and overseeing their bookstore, leaving no time for Sunny. All right, I can see this from both ways. The poor man has to be with his sick wife, that much Sunny doesn't fault him for. But she doesn't seem to understand that he needs to work to pay for what I'm sure are astronomical medical bills, as well as the normal bills. But then, from what I'd think Sunny's viewpoint is, one parent is not there due to sickness and she's scared and needs the other one to comfort her and he's not there, either - but it seems to her by choice. She's 13 and not old or mature enough to understand the adult responsibilities.

She talks about her friends. She doesn't understand why Dawn is such a little whiner about being in high school a year early because she thinks it's cool to be with the older kids. She says Jill makes her sick and she flashes her belly ring at her at school just to shock her. I love Sunny. Maggie used to be cool but now has become a perfectionist. She worries that her mom switching from wearing a wig to just wearing scarves on her head is a sign of her giving up. I can't imagine that feeling, and hope I never find out.

The next day Sunny cuts school during lunch to go visit her mom in the hospital. I'm pretty sure she didn't have to cut, if she told the principal she needed to leave and why he'd probably let her. Anyway, her mom looks awful. Sunny is leaving but sees her mom's doctor in the hall. She listens outside the door and finds out that her mom's lungs seem to be clearing up, however a new lump was found that will need to be tested. Sunny flees and heads back for school.

So in social studies or history or whatever her teacher calls on her and since she is writing in her journal she isn't paying attention. He asks her to stay after class and when she does asks her why she was late coming to class and why she can't focus. Sunny blurts out that her mom is dying of cancer and her teacher is shocked, saying he knew she was sick but not that it was that bad. Sunny immediately feels guilt because she doesn't want to use her mom as an excuse, and also I think because it's the first time she's admitted to herself that her mom could be dying. Sunny's a trooper, you know Dawn's ho ass probably told every teacher that Carol was pregnant just in case her water broke during English or something and she needed to use her lifesaving BSC skills or some shit. Sunny writes in her diary that she's sick of dealing with all the things that come with her mom's terminal illness and sometimes wishes her mom might just die so it would all end. She then feels horrible.

The next day Sunny is reading a Newsweek article about cancer in math class instead of paying attention, except this teacher sends her to the principal's office. The principal patronizes her and Sunny walks all over him. She goes back to class in time to get her books before the bell rings and the teacher tells her that she'd have an easier time if she paid attention and did her work. Duh. Actually, the teacher tries to tell her that math will be simpler and more predictible that way, and I call shenanigans! I'll show you my pages and pages of detailed notes and my perfect attendance record for stats class and I barely pulled a C. I don't get math at all. Sunny is upset and leaves the classroom to vent.

Ducky is waiting for her in the hall. At this point in the series they don't know each other very well, so she is shy about venting to him. She says that something about his expression makes her feel like he actually cares, unlike her teachers and principal, and she calmed right down. She also gives a description of his outfit choice, saying that most guys in the school wear flannel shirts and jeans and shit while Ducky was wearing a bowling shirt and green overdyed jeans. Instead of her gaydar going off, Sunny thinks this is cool. Dawn and Sunny start walking home and Sunny makes the mistake of telling her what happened in math class. Dawn gets all Elizabeth Wakefield judgmental on her and then tells her she needs meditation. Sunny starts laughing, and so do I. Dawn is pissed and starts spouting off some shit and Sunny and I both tune her out.

At home, Sunny decides to try meditation and clears her mind while getting the mail. However, the mail has a hospital bill, a letter from the insurance company, and a wig catalog, so the meditation goes out the door. Got any more suggestions, Dawn? There's a message on the answering machine from her father saying to call her at the store and that it's urgent and Sunny freaks out, thinking the worst. She calls and he puts her on hold, which I guess is a euphemism for their relationship right now. He comes back and tells her that her mom is coming home the next day and the lump was non-cancerous and that she should do a little grocery shopping so her mom can have some good food to eat when she comes home. Sunny does and when she returns her mom calls and reminds her that she was supposed to visit after school. Sunny forgot. Her mom then says that she had her dad leave something for her on her dresser and Sunny goes to look. It's a music box and her mom says that it's a family heirloom and she wants to pass it down to Sunny. Sunny is scared because she thinks this is something a person does before they die.

The next day Sunny wakes up and realizes she has no clothes because no one has done laundry in forever. Then she has a great idea - fuck school, it's Sunny Winslow's Day Off! Her swimsuits are all clean and she's heading to the beach. She figures that she'll just cut her morning classes and no one will even miss her. She heads for Venice Beach, which is farther away but has the less risk of running into anyone she knows. Once there, she has a great time but stays too long because she meets some surfer dude named Carson (he claims not to have a last name). Carson sucks. He's just a loser who calls himself a free spirit but what that really means is he can't commit to anything. You know the type. Sunny totally falls for his shit, but then again she is only 13, and we've all fallen for one of these hos at least once. He professes his love for Catcher in the Rye and I give my eyeballs an exercise with a massive rolling. Could he pick a more cliche book? He could've at least said Flowers in the Attic. That would win my respect. He puts on rollerblades and Sunny says she also has some and she can bring them next time and maybe they can blade together. He says whatever, which she interprets as friendly. Sunny, he blows. Even Ducky's probably gay ass is better than this ho.

Sunny makes it home before her dad and is relieved to see that no one from the school called about her absence. She is leaving her house again to go to the hospital to help bring her mom home when she runs into Dawn. Dawn tries to press her for details as to where she was all day but Sunny just blows her off and leaves. HAHAHAHA! She makes it to the hospital and her mom is sitting up and dressed in street clothes and looking much better, much to her relief. A few members of her mom's support group come in and surprise! They have a stretch limo waiting outside the hospital to take her home! That's so sweet! Sunny declines a ride and takes her bike home. She beats them there and makes a salad for her mom for dinner. However, her mom and the support group come in and order Chinese food. Her mom doesn't eat much but the support group eats like all the Chinese food and the salad. Pigs. There's not much left for Sunny to eat, and she's the forgotten one yet again.

The next day Sunny is working for her dad in his bookstore and she starts to read Carson's other favorite book, Kerouac's On The Road. Another cliche favorite book by a "free spirit." She is impatient to see him again and tell him how much she likes it. Sunny spends the rest of her day getting yelled at by her dad and then cutting out of there to go visit her mom at home, only to find out she's gone to a support group meeting. She finds a shoebox full of fugly jewelry that her mom placed on her dresser. Her dad comes home and yells at her for dinner not being prepared. Her mom then comes home and says that she's been trying to clean things up and is giving Sunny things she thinks she may like. Sunny interprets it more as a sort of will and inheritance thing rather than decluttering and tells her to knock it off. Her dad calls her ungrateful and a big fight ensues.

The next day, a Sunday, Sunny wants to apologize to her mom but not her dad. Unfortunately her mom is pretty much booked solid with visitors until the evening, so Sunny grabs her rollerblades and heads for Venice Beach, telling her parents she'll be at Maggie's. Once there, she reads, relaxes, and just takes some time out for herself. She doesn't see Carson there, and is disappointed, but decides to just chill instead and not worry about it. When she gets home her mom is resting and no one questions her whereabouts, so she got away with it.

However, during the night her mom wakes up and isn't feeling well. She asks Sunny's dad to read to her because it will help her go to sleep, and Sunny takes over for him when he starts to fall asleep. They end up having to take Sunny's mom back to the hospital because she's running a high fever. Sunny was late to school because of it and yelled at in nearly all of her classes for sleeping/not paying attention/not finishing her homework due to the lack of sleep from staying up all night reading to her mom. She gets sent to the principal's office again, where he makes sad panda faces at her some more for having a sick mom and doesn't fix anything. Where exactly is the school counselor and why is Sunny not being sent to him/her? This girl is obviously dealing with a lot and needs help. Upon leaving the office, she runs into Ducky, Dawn, and Maggie, who ask her why she was in there. Sunny says she's having a serious relationship with Principal Sad Panda Face. Hee! Maggie doesn't talk to her for the rest of the day and Sunny says bitch cannot take a joke. She's probably counting calories in her head, Sunny. Dawn just gives her weird looks, which I interpret as the Elizabeth Wakefield condescending judgmental looks we see on the cover of nearly every SVH book.

Sunny comes home from school to a message on her answering machine from her dad. Her mom has pneumonia and Sunny needs to bring her a bag of stuff. She does, and is deeply saddened by her mom's condition. When she comes home again her dad yells at her for the house being dirty, his laundry not being done, and there being no nuts or raisins in the house. Mr. Winslow really likes nuts and raisins, I guess.

Sunny cuts school the next day and goes to the beach. Are you surprised? She sees Carson there, and he basically dismisses her, but she follows him into a coffee shop anyway. He approves of her cutting school and says no one will notice. Carson sucks. Then he insults the coffee and dumps it on the floor. No, really! Sunny, impressionable youth the she is, laughs and does the same. Who does that? When I go to Taco Bell and I get a less than stellar Cheesy Gordita Crunch I don't toss it on the floor like my 17 month old nephew! Whatever, I hate this douche. They hang out for the rest of the afternoon and we find out that Carson is 17, a high school dropout (because school is useless and he's had plenty of jobs without a degree...bet that won't happen when you're 25 and don't have a diploma, buddy), and is from Cleveland but took off. Sunny tells him about her situation at home. She tries to make plans to see him again on Friday, but he says he doesn't like plans. SUNNY! HE SUCKS! He leaves and she ponders over her feelings for him.

The next entry, a week later, starts with a note Sunny forged from her mom's doctor excusing her from basically a week of school. Sunny has skipped a lot. She's chipper about it, though, because Carson's stank ass has been at the beach every time she's gone. She calls the beach her escape and says it helps her feel not so depressed.

At school, Ms. Krueger, the teacher whose house the party was at in Dawn's book, approaches Sunny and basically tells her that her forged note isn't fooling anyone and her absences have caught the attention of a lot more people than just Sunny's teachers. She also thinks that the special treatment should be over and done with. She tells Sunny she needs to be in school and that she can come to her any time if she needs anything. Again I ask, where is the school counselor? Ms. Krueger leaves and Sunny meets up with Ducky in the hall. She asks him for advice on Carson, and instead of telling her he sucks, he says he must like her if he's at the beach waiting for her every day, even if he won't tell her his last name. No, he's homeless, what the fuck else does he have to do but go to the beach? Sunny is so happy by this that she cuts school at lunch and goes to the beach. Carson The Suck is there and I swear it's less of him waiting for her and more of him sleeping under docks there. He finally tells her his last name and she's super happy by that. She thinks this means she trusts him fully. Oh, Sunny.

When she comes home, she's accosted by Dawn. Apparently Sunny's dad stopped by the school to pick her up because her mom is back in the hospital for tests and she was nowhere to be found and Dawn covered for her, saying she was on a late field trip. Well, she sort of was. Dawn notices Sunny's beach towel sticking out of her backpack and reams her for being at the beach while her mom is in the hospital. Sunny didn't know her mom was back in the hospital when she left for the beach, so shut up, Dawn. In the midst of Dawn's ranting and raving, Sunny notices her earrings. She asks Dawn where she got them and Dawn says that Sunny's mom gave them to her because maybe she's happy that someone cares about her, and then leaves. HATE. Sunny is super upset because she feels that with all the work she does in her dad's store and around the house and all the trips to the hospital she's being replaced by Dawn. What does Sunny do? Packs up some shit and runs away to Venice Beach, this time for good.

She doesn't find Carson immediately but when she does she tells him she's now a super cool runaway, just like him! He thinks this is awesome, because humans aren't meant to stay in one place and the notion that they are is only a few hundred years old or some shit. Yeah, they were nomadic because they needed to travel for FOOD, you dumbass! Now we have McDonald's and Jewels all over and we don't have to chase our fucking dinner, so we can stay in the same place! Sunny says now they can band together and Carson is all like, crazy hippie girl say what? He feels that the point of being a runaway is to be unattached, and he doesn't want any company. He gives her a poor little rich girl speech, telling her she doesn't have it so bad, and then walks the fuck out on her, leaving her to pay the bill at the coffee shop. Dick. She tries to go catch the bus home but misses the last one and the next won't be there until 5 AM.

Sunny tries to prepare herself for a scary night alone on the beach. She thinks a skeezy looking man is following her, and is terrified. Then she hears someone calling her name. It's Ducky, with his car. He says that her dad brought her mom home from the hospital and they found her runaway note and freaked out. Ducky remembered their talk about Carson Stupidface and drove out to Venice Beach to find Sunny. Sunny is relieved, and tells Ducky to take her home.

However, as soon as he drops her off, she heads for Dawn's house. Dawn is pissed, but relieved that Sunny's okay. Sunny asks if she can camp out there for the night because she doesn't want to face her parents yet. Dawn makes her call them first and tell them where she is. The next morning Dawn wakes her up super early to pump her for details. Bitch. She walks Sunny home, where she receives a teary welcome. Sunny comes clean to them - about why her mom giving away things upset her, about cutting school (but not about Carson), and her feelings of neglect. Her mom tells her things will get back to normal someday, but Sunny's not so sure. Her diary closes with her saying that happy endings are for fairy tales and that she is really scared, and wants to escape. Surf's up, Sunny!

A velvet hippie top, a corduroy thing (skirt? shorts? long shirt?), and white leggings. Sunny is a super hot dresser. Literally, it's fucking California and she's on the beach 90% of the book.

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Stoned Ho (not really)

2010-01-27T13:55:00.007-06:00

EDIT: The made-for-TV movie based off this book is on YouTube! YES!

I picked this gem off the library discard shelf in 7th grade, not knowing anything about it. It's a hardcover version with no dustjacket, just the title written on the spine, no blurbs about it or anything. Man, am I glad I did. I'm sure many of you have read it, and almost all of you at least know what it is, but for the few escaped Duggar children that read this or something that have no clue, I'll explain. Go Ask Alice is the "diary" of an "anonymous teenager" in the 70's that basically serves as an anti-drug PSA. DO DRUGS AND YOU'LL DIE! This book is the shit!

Not Yet Stoned Ho buys her diary and goes all angsty about some dude named Roger. She turns 15 shortly after, cries about putting on seven pounds, and then finds out she's moving. Then she gets happy, loses ten pounds, and gets asked out on dates. What. The next couple entries are devoted to her going on dumb dates and I don't care because nothing in the book is cool until she starts shooting up anyway.

So Not Yet Stoned Ho moves finally and finds it hard to adjust to her new school. She puts on fifteen pounds because I guess she's a stress eater. Finally she meets a Jewish girl down the street named Beth and they become BFF. After awhile Beth's parents tell her she's going to go to a Jewish summer camp for six weeks (I had a Hitler joke in there, but that's so inappropriate). Not Yet Stoned Ho acts like Beth is her fucking heroin or something and she needs her or else she'll die from the DT's and freaks the fuck out. Calm down, bitch. Beth leaves for her concentration camp (inappropriate!), and NYSH sadly goes off to spend some time with her grandparents in her old town.

NYSH is super bored in her old town when one of her old sort-of friends, Jill, invites her to a party. She accepts, and they say they're going to play a party game. Ooh, like pin the tale on the donkey? Nope, instead Jill spiked 10 out of 14 bottles of Coke with LSD without telling anyone and you get to see who trips balls! Thus, Not Yet Stoned Ho turns into Trippy Ho. I have to tell you, it doesn't sound very anti-drug PSA to me, it sounds pretty fucking cool. I'll take my Snapple with a shot of LSD, please! Trippy Ho says she's glad she got one of the spiked Cokes, but doesn't think she'll do it again.

...However, the next day, she goes out on a date with one of the guys from the party and lets him inject speed into her. Because obviously if you unwittingly take LSD once you automatically move onto to shooting up. The fuck? The next day her grandfather has a heart attack, so she spends a few weeks off drugs and helping them out. When she feels he's better, she decides to go to a party and take one last acid trip and guess what, loses her virginity. It all starts with one bottle of Coke, you heard it here first.

Trippy Ho is now worried that she's Pregnant Ho and slowly goes nuts about that, even to the point that when she goes home her mother takes her to the doctor and gets her tranquilizers. Beth escapes the concentration camp but is now ultra Jew and doesn't have much in common with Trippy Might Be Pregnant Ho any more. Period comes, not pregnant, hooray! She goes to a groovy new boutique and meets a new friend named Chris, who shows her how to iron her hair like a hippie. Trippy Not Pregnant Ho's parents sit her down and are all like, wtf, why are you a dirty hippie now? Some angsty entries concerning her parents and "The Establishment" ensue and I roll my eyes. I wish this book could be given the SVH treatment and be updated for this time, because you know she'd be locking herself in her room and carving into her arm while listening to My Chemical Romance or some shit. She finds out her old crush, Roger, is going to military school and is all sads about that and I don't care. Chris gives her some sort of upper and tells her to take it and listen to some groovy music. She takes it and feels wonderful but needs her tranquilizers to come back down. And so the cycle begins.

Some entries about how she needs to take "Bennys" and "Dexies" to survive school and home and tranquilizers to come down, so basically she's drugged out all the fucking time. Then she and Chris hang out with two guys named Ted and Richie and she smokes pot for the first time, and I don't know what the fuck she's smoking, but she has the dumbest experience ever. This is totally not written by a drug user AT ALL. Bitch didn't even have the munchies! I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Now since she's tried pot ONCE, she is of course a drug dealer. OF COURSE. And where does she deal? The local grade school. Yep, she's pushing acid to 9 and 10 year olds. Plus she's fucking Richie all the time and is a full blown multi drug user. Is this moving kind of fast for you? THAT'S HOW DRUGS ARE. You try pot once, the next day you're selling acid to a toddler!

Chris and Selling Acid To Toddlers Ho walk in on Ted and Richie screwing each other so they decide to book it and run away to San Francisco. Haight-Ashbury, anyone? They live in a hole in the wall apartment, but both manage to get glamorous boutique jobs after a bit. This book really isn't discouraging shit. They start going to parties at Chris's boss's place and start doing heroin there and realize that they're getting raped while on heroin. They leave their apartment and move onto the Berkeley area with hopes of starting their own boutique. I thought you needed inventory and shit for a boutique but whatever.

Well instead they rent an apartment and fix it up all groovy like and then charge kids to come in and watch their TV and hang out and shit, I guess. I don't know, it sounds pretty stupid to me, but these dumbass Berkeley hippies totally buy into it and they make a shitload of cash. But instead of living the high life they run away again - this time back to home.

Chris and Formerly Runaway Ho return home and to school. FRH is having a hard time because dudes won't leave her alone because they still think she's a dealer and they want to buy off her. Eventually she gives in and becomes friends with one of the dudes (wha?) and gets back on drugs. This book is confusing. The dude is busted by the cops, and then Chris and Back To Being A Druggie Ho are busted too.

Now Not A Druggie Ho is under extreme lockdown by her parents. No drugs, nothing. She's doing fine, but then someone gives her something at school and then next thing we know she's run away again, this time to Denver. If you do drugs, YOU WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME EVERY TIME. TRUST. She's super sick with a cold, but is dropping acid like no one's business. Then she starts prostituting herself for drugs and says by far my favorite quote of the book, "Another day, another blow job." I think we all should say that upon arriving to work, school, etc. everyday. Too awesome. Eventually she gets in touch with a priest, who calls her parents, and they come and get her.

This time she stays good for a longer time than the last time. She's having trouble in school again, though, because the druggies don't believe she's clean and the clean kids think she's still a druggie. Then her grandfather has a stroke and dies. Surprisingly, she doesn't turn back to drugs again.

Clean Again Ho meets a dude named Joel and is all obsessed over him. The druggies at school are attacking her for reasons I cannot understand, like putting a joint in her purse, and a burning roach in her locker. Okay, no stoner in their right mind would waste their pot on anyone. That's just dumb. Druggies are greedy little bastards, watch an episode of Intervention. Those bitches will steal, lie, cheat, and whore themselves out for a little bit of drugs. They certainly wouldn't waste any. Lying sack of shit!

School ends, and Clean Again Ho accepts a baby-sitting job. The next entry is from a mental hospital. Clearly, she was sitting for the Pikes. One of the druggies, in an attempt to get her back on drugs, left some LSD laced chocolate-covered peanuts at the house, and she had a really bad trip from them, nearly clawing her face off in the process. Gross! So now she's in an insane asylum, because she thinks worms are eating her face. Ew! Eventually she finds God or some shit and is cured, because religion and saying no to drugs cure insanity, duh. She goes home.

For some reason now the druggies leave her alone. I don't know. She meets new non-druggie friends and is all in love with them and blah blah blah, and is doing well in school and at home. She ends with the decision not to keep another diary. We then get an epilogue saying that three weeks later her parents came home and found her dead, and it is unknown if it was an accidental or premeditated overdose.

Recap: drugs will make you lose your virginity, get raped, become a prostitute, run away (multiple times), sell to grade schoolers, become a target of bullying, and DIE! They will not make you fat.

Here's the latest cover:

"I am leering at you anonymously, waiting to slip LSD in your drink."

BSC VHS Dawn Saves The Trees

2010-01-26T23:09:00.007-06:00

This is my second viewing of this episode, and I have to say, it is truly terrible. Actually, it may be my third. I think I actually saw it when the show was on the air either on HBO or Disney Channel back in the early 90's. I only remember seeing part of this episode and the one where Kristy forces Charlotte to run for president of something. Anyway, this episode is HORRIBLE, which translates to snarky. Can we start a petition to Scholastic to get this series released on DVD already?

The BSC traipses through some random woods with a bunch of kids to the theme song. Confession time: I have the theme song on my iPod. I love it. WHOA, just had a Kristy-sized great idea - I should totally make it into a ringtone! It'd be way cooler than what I have now (Pepper by the Butthole Surfers). I digress.

The actress who plays Dawn is super pretty, I must say. I always liked her, even if her hair wasn't long enough. Mallory's hair is not half-bad in this ep; she actually looks like a normal human being! I don't know if I mentionaed it in the last recap of the show I did, but I preferred the actresses in the show to the actresses in the movie, I just thought they looked more like the characters, even if Claudia didn't quite look that Japanese and Jessi wasn't black enough.

Dawn's catching tadpoles with some random ugly little boy. He isn't named, but he says he's going to grow up and be a chef and cook peanut butter and honey sandwiches so I know he must be Jamie Newton. LOL, I'm a BSC trivia winner. I always hated Jamie. I'm waiting for Jackie Rodowsky to show up. I never cared for him, either, but Danny Tamberelli, aka Little Pete, played him, and I have a fondness for all things old school Nickelodeon. Farewell, Little Viking (still brings a tear to my eye)!

Stacey and Mary Anne are laying together on a blanket while the rest of the club does all the work with the kids hanging pinecone bird feeders. Lazy hos. Stacey says that whenever she got homesick as a kid she used to look at the sky and pretend her parents were looking at it too and she didn't feel so bad. Mary Anne, ever the Debbie Downer, wonders if her dead mom is looking at it too. Stacey is rocking some fierce red lipstick to go with her poodle perm.

Jamie finds a baby bird on the ground and the BSC has to get all PSA on why you can't pick it up. Charlotte says that since her mom is a doctor and knows the emergency number for people, maybe she'll know the emergency number for animals, too! Um, Charlotte? I'm hedging a guess here, but isn't the emergency number for people 911? Fuck, and I only have my bachelor's degree! No one picks up on this, so I'd hate to be Mary Anne if Jenny Prezzioso has another 104 degree fever, or Claudia if Betsy Sobak pulls another practical joke on her, of Stacey if she has an insulin reaction, or Jessi if she's hanging out with Tupac in Vegas. They all merrily set off on their way, and come upon a surveyor. OH NOES! Dawn angrily accosts him and discovers they are going to build a road through the woods. She shits her Guess overalls.

BSC meeting. Mrs. Newton calls and wants a sitter. She says Jamie keeps talking about their "special place." Don't tell me you didn't picture Pedobear! He means the woods, not no-no areas. Dawn bitches some more about the road being put in. She says they have rights and need to be heard!

The next day or some shit, they go to the town hall and get a bunch of literature on the road. Dawn bitches that it's too much to read. Fuck, there's no pleasing this cunt! She totally dumps it all in the trash instead of recycling it and decides to take the easy way out and start a petition instead of educating herself. I hate people who protest things when they don't even bother to learn both sides first. Oh, and of course they suggest to have all the kids sign the petition. Pretty sure a seven-year-old's signature isn't going to have much weight on a petition, but nice try. Kristy is wearing a fanny-pack, by the way.

The girls see Dawn's crush of the episode, and lo and behold, he's played by a young Zach Braff! I didn't think it was possible, but he was even uglier back then. He's hanging out with Logan, and his name is now irrelevant to this episode because he's just going to be referred to as Zach Braff. Dawn loves his goofy looking face, and totally checks out his ass as he leaves. Mary Anne or someone says she thinks Zach Braff likes Dawn.

LITTLE PETE! I love how he's just randomly thrown in with a bunch of other kids, just because he's freaking adorable and because someone could totally see in the future and knew he would become iconic. Anyway, Little Pete (I don't know why Archie and Shea are never in any BSC shows), Becca, and Charlotte are coloring or some crap while Mallory, Stacey, and Claudia are helping them. Oh wait, didn't watch far enough ahead. Nope, the BSC is using the kids as child labor and they are making protest signs. No, really. Jessi randomly appears and let's them play Mother May I. Dawn comes and breaks up the game and sets those kids back to work! Kristy and Mary Anne run up with fliers, because you know the BSC is all about fliers, and says that they're going on a double date with Bart and Logan. Dawn gets her hemp panties all in a bunch until she hears that Zach Braff will be there too and wants her to come.

Dawn is getting ready for her date with Zach Braff. Kristy and Mary Anne are there. Dawn looks gorgeous, seriously. Her hair is all up in a bun and she looks about 19 or 20. I wonder how old the actress who played her was when she filmed this? Google search has turned nothing up. Anyway, Kristy and Mary Anne tell her she can get all intense about the environment and shit blah blah blah. Dawn of course gets all defensive blah blah blah. Kristy then asks her why she isn't wearing her hair down because it looks better down. I disagree, it looks good down, too, but she looks absolutely gorgeous right now. I hope I can find a screencap. Dawn starts to pull it out of its bun and Mary Anne asks her what she's doing. Dawn snots that they said it looked better down so she's putting it down. It's all very dumb. The doorbell rings. Cut to Kristy and Mary Anne waiting downstairs with Logan and Zach Braff. Dawn is still fixing her hair because, yeah, it did look like shit after taking it out of the bun. Kristy, by the way, is still wearing her fanny pack. Don't take hair advice from her. Dawn comes downstairs with her hair half up and half down. Zach Braff and his mullet ask her about the protest signs and she tells her about the road through the woods. Apparently he thinks the road is a good thing because then more people will get to enjoy the woods. Oh, and his mom commissioned the whole thing. Dawn pitches a fit and refuses to go out with Zach Braff.

Protest time. Dawn has a bunch of children circle around chanting "Save our trees!" while she talks to a reporter from the Stoneybrook News. Where are these kids' parents? Later on, the BSC looks at themselves in the paper and Dawn basically says how she's only one who cares blah blah blah and Kristy brings up Zach Braff and tries to tell her to keep her friends close and her enemies closer, but Dawn doesn't get it. Dawn sucks.

Hearing or something important and court-like looking or whatever time. I'm so over this episode. Next time I do a BSC video I'm making it into a drinking game so by the end I'm totally hammered. That way, you'll get my drunken bitchy remarks and I'll be so vodka-ed up I won't give a damn about this awful show. It's a win-win situation! Anyway, the judge or official-looking lady or whatever opens up the floor or something. Dawn stands up and says she opposes the road. Official Lady says, "Excuse me, but can you please state your name and your affiliation?" Snappleaddict: don'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSC...Dawn: I'm Dawn Schafer, and I represent The Baby-Sitters Club! *headdesk* Dawn starts bitching about global warming and extinction (for 12 trees? in Connecticut?) and shit and Official Lady says that the road will give more people an opportunity to enjoy the woods. Dawn then starts bitching about how more people will bring more pollution and Official Lady interrupts her and says that maybe if she had studied the proposal (the stack of papers her lazy ass threw out) she would've seen that they planned all this shit for crap for sanitation and waste management to minimize pollution. OWNED! Furthermore, the road is designed to be accessible for the elderly and the handicapped. Dawn sputters. Throughout all this Zach Braff is throwing some amusing looks. The committee votes, and it's unanimous for the road.

After the hearing the BSC basically tells Dawn she sucks and needs to study her shit and come up with a plan instead of just saying things are wrong and not having a reason for why. Then for some reason they think talking to Zach Braff will get the committee to change the decision about the road. Okay, 1. If I was Zach Braff and Dawn acted like such a bitch to me, I'd never talk to her again, no matter how hot she is. Go for Stacey, she puts out. And 2. How the fuck can Zach Braff change a whole committee's decision?

Dawn is sitting and making paper cranes. Remember that book about the girl who got cancer from WW2 and she needed to make a million paper cranes or something? That was a good book. Anyway, Zach Braff comes up for some unknown reason (I guess Stacey turned him down or something) and Dawn shows him that she actually can read by bringing up other parks with similar problems (from California, natch) and that they can make a packed dirt road instead that winds around the trees, so no trees are harmed and it's still handicapped accessible.

Oh, I guess Official Lady is actually Mrs. Braff. Zach Braff shows her a map Claudia drew of the woods with the dirt roads in and she loves it and the day is saved!

The show ends with stupid Jamie and the bird being released back into the wild by some city official person. Apparently Charlotte's mom came through. Theme song!

Screencaps taken from the BSC Cover Art Gallery linked on the left.

"Fuck the handicapped!" (P.S. Look at Zach Braff staring at her over her shoulder.)

Way cuter with her hair up, even Kristy wants to French her.

Still ugly.

Kristy wears that damn fanny pack the whole fucking episode.

Mallory looking not like a spazoid.

Is that Morbidda Destiny? Nope, just Mrs. Braff! Oh, and Zach Braff totally has a boner.

Dawn and Zach Braff making a million paper cranes.

A Salute To A Truly Glamorous Ho

2010-01-26T14:15:00.003-06:00

I was going to do an SVH book, but then I started shoe shopping online and lost track of time and now there's only about a half hour or so until I have to pick my cutie pie nephew up from daycare, so not enough time. However, I need to discuss something important.

If you have not seen the masterpiece that is Welcome to the Dollhouse, SEE IT. Some beautiful ho posted the entire movie on Youtube, and everyone must watch it. I officially declare today Salute Dawn Weiner Day.

Where do I begin? The elastic waist pants pulled up to her armpits, the footie pajamas, the hair balls, the examining of her hands in the mirror after Ginger the slut ("We gotta tawk.") says she finger-fucked Steve, sawing off Missy's doll's head, the shrine to Steve? I LOVE HER.

So to Dawn Weiner, I raise my cold fishsticks and Hawaiian Punch to you. I will gladly be a member of the Special People Club.

New Poll!

2010-01-26T11:17:00.002-06:00

Hottest Man Candy Part 2 is FINALLY here! It comes as no surprise that Jake Ryan totally killed the last poll, so which sexy bitch will win your heart (and panties) this time around?

Jordan Catalano - world's best leaner. Gigantic blue eyes and floppy hair. Writes romantic songs, but they turn out to be about his car. May inspire you to dance to The Violent Femmes when you're over him, which is pretty awesome.

Todd Wilkins - I'm pretty sure Todd's gay. I'd just saying, bitch pretty much only ever wants to hold Liz's hand and she's supposed to be the hottest bitch in Sweet Valley. He and Liz act like they're 80. He turns into a drunk in SVU, though, so I guess he knows how to party.

Zack Morris - ability to stop time, break the fourth wall, and possesses the world's coolest phone? This dude kicks ass. I predict a close race between him and Catalano.

Ben Hobart - hot Aussie ginge. Don't fuck with his card catalog.

I'm an...adult?

2010-01-26T10:40:00.005-06:00

Well, my lovelies, unlike the BSC, I have graduated. College, that is. I also have the impending doom of my 25th birthday coming upon me in a few weeks, but my best friend and I have decided we're just going to tell everyone it's my 21st since I look like I'm 15 anyway. Free drinks! As of yet, I'm still unemployed because apparently being a psych major who spent all her time studying and making the National Honor Society in Psychology (Psi Chi represent!) doesn't bode as well as experience. If only I could get paid for reading BSC. Ann M. Martin, I will totally be your bitch. I will ghostwrite the hell out of that shit, just give me a chance!

Unemployment has a way of making you hella bored, so I've been toying with the idea of blogging again, because, shit, Jersey Shore has ended. Also, check out what I recently scored from the discard shelf of my library...

If you're saying to yourself, "Shit, bitch, that looks like pretty much every single SVH book besides the ones you probably already own," that's because IT IS! My ho ass library got rid of these fine pieces of literature, and I collected them in a huge bag as fast as I could. YOU KNOW YOU'D DO THE SAME THING. I haven't gotten my collection all together yet, but going by memory, I think I own all of them now except for All Night Long, which angers me because Scott's porn 'stache is so rockin'. I think a trip to the used book store is in order so I can get that last one.

I also took a picture of my holy trifecta, just to make everyone jealous:

Don't hate!

WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT??????????!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

2010-01-22T20:20:00.001-06:00

http://content.usatoday.com/communities/popcandy/post/2010/01/previewing-the-baby-sitters-club-prequel-whats-claudia-wearing/1

A PREQUEL?!!? A MOTHERFUCKING PREQUEL?!!? *dies of heart attack*

New Poll!

2009-08-24T14:07:00.003-05:00

Congrats to Stacey and the Burning Sensation, the BSC book you guys all wanted to read. You guys are all sick fucks. What am I saying, I voted for that one, too. This month and a half-ish's poll is voting on who you think is the hottest man candy. Here are our nominees!

Jake Ryan: Sexy man of Sixteen Candles. Google "Jake Ryan syndrome," I'm convinced I have it. I'd still do him.

Bruce Patman: Rich. Wears a sweater tied around his shoulders. Drives a Porsche with the coolest vanity plate in the history of the world (even cooler than mine). Even more self-centered than Jessica.

Beau Andreas: Open up All That Glitters by V.C. Andrews and gaze upon that fine blonde piece of man. Yum! May leave you while you're pregnant for your twin.

Randy Zak: Still standing by my theory that Randy tucks one back.

Lifestories: Families in Crisis

2009-07-20T15:36:00.005-05:00

Have you guys ever watched the show Lifestories: Families in Crisis on HBO Family? It's the best shit ever! It's all "true" stories about teens with problems, and at the end the real person it was based on comes out and gives their little PSA. They're all from the early 90's, so you know they're amazing. One time I saw one on a girl with anorexia (played, ironically, by a young Calista Flockhart) and it was the best shit ever. HBO Family seems to have sensed that, and has never played that episode again. Instead they've been playing the one about Brandon the drug addict and the two girls who go to the prom together over and over. The best thing about them is that they're on around the 3am area so there's tons of swearing and stuff in them. Get it together, HBO Family, and put together a little marathon! They're kind of like mini-Lifetime movies with even worse acting. I love them hardcore.

I have the best BSC book ever to do, but will have to wait until tomorrow, as I'm writing this while my nephew naps, and as soon as I start his ass will wake up.

EDIT: Found some videos on YouTube! I've posted links to them in the comments.

Worst blogger ever?

2009-07-15T15:12:00.003-05:00

So my big posting bonanza turned into a family emergency bonanza, which then turned into a ton of finals bonanza, which turned into a boyfriend breaking up with me bonanza (he didn't appreciate the cinematic genius that is the BSC movie, so no big loss), which also turned into a I'm-loading-up-on-summer-classes-to-graduate-a-semester-early...now I'm done with all that shit and ready to get back into the swing of things.

My first order of business is putting up a new poll. I totes thought of the best one while doing my hair: The BSC Books That Never Were. Here are our nominees:

-Stacey and the Burning Sensation
-Dawn and the Big Mac Attack
-Claudia Meets Spellcheck
-Firecrotch Mallory
-Jessi Moves to Harlem

I'd totally read these bitches.

Also, big news! For a few years now I have been scouring thrift stores looking for the SVH board game and the two BSC ones. I am proud to announce that I found the last one I needed, The BSC Mystery Game, at Goodwill for 99 cents, and tackled some children to get to it. My trifecta is complete!

Now I just need someone to play with...

Girl Talk #11 Mixed Feelings

2009-03-09T10:10:00.002-05:00

So the first weekend of posting bonanza turned into a sleeping and watching Popular bonanza. It happens.

Now I'm at the bf's, armed with a bunch of books hidden at the bottom of my bag and ready to go!

As you all may know, I love Sabrina from Girl Talk. She's just so awesome. It was hard trying to decide between a Sabrina book, which I will love, or a Randy or Allison book, which I will love to make fun of. I thought this book was initially about Sabrina, because she's on the front cover rocking some red jazz shoes, but it's about Katie. I don't really have any feelings either way about Katie, so we'll see how this shit goes.

So Katie is in the locker room, getting ready for a hockey game. She has to change in the visitor's one because she's a girl. She hears some laughing and notices a hole in the wall. Instead of being pissed or disturbed, she laughs. The hell? I think I may like Katie more now, she's got major ho potential! She squirts some water in the hole to drench whoever the perv is, and then goes out onto the ice.

Apparently the perv was Scottie Silver, who, if memory serves me correctly, was the big crush in the book Face Off, where Katie initially joins the team. The coach announces there's a new player joining. Hey, it's Michel! I never read this particular book, but I know that bitch! He's a French Canadian (oui oui!), so he pretty much will smoke their asses at hockey. In fact, the coach says he's so awesome that he doesn't even need to try out. Katie thinks he's hot and probably wishes that he was the one spying on her. Michel kicks ass at practice, even though no one goes near him. Practice ends, and after changing Katie and the other guys get a chance to talk to Michel. Michel is surprised that Katie is a girl, since the other players call her K.C. on the ice. Um, Michel? Casey can be a girl's name, too. Kind of like Michelle. Katie gets ready for some sexual harassment, but it doesn't come. The coach tells them there's a big game coming up against the Minneapolis Mongols. I try to figure out whether that team name is PC or not.

Sabrina and Katie walk to Sabrina's house after practice. I don't know where Sabrina came from, but I'm glad she's here. Sabrina, of course, loves Michel and his French Canadian-ness. Katie doesn't say anything. She sucks. Michel catches up to them and walks with them. He says a lot of random French words, which kind of annoys me, since everything else he says is in English so obviously he can speak it. Pick a language, Michel! The random French words make Sabrina's panties all wet. Michel goes to his house, and Katie and Sabrina continue on to Sabrina's house. They run into Randy and Allison the bore, and Katie is surprised because she didn't know they would be there. Hmm, Katie mentioned her birthday being two weeks away in the beginning of the book and now Randy and Snore are showing up randomly to Sabrina's house. I predict a surprise party.

More secretive shit goes on that I don't care about, and Allison says she has to leave because it's her father's birthday. I don't care why, just go. Randy says goodbye to her using a mixture of Italian, English, and Spanish, and I'm pretty sure she did that just to get back at me for all those times I accused her of having a penis. Sam and his friends come in, which I love. Katie says something about Sam's friend Nick liking Sabrina, and that they went to Homecoming together. I'm confused. A junior high has Homecoming, and someone loves Sabrina almost as much as I do and I didn't know about it?!!? What book is this in? I must have it! The chapter ends with them eating dinner together and shit, and I don't care because I'm too preoccupied with Nick wanting Sabrina.

At school the next day, Randy asks Katie where Michel is because she hasn't seen him yet. She probably wants to boggle his mind with another unisex name...on a unisex person. Burn! Katie overhears Stacy talking about Michel and how she wants to jump his bones, and I get a little excited because I love good drama and Stacy always brings the drama. Katie says she can't believe that she used to hang out with Stacy. WTF, Girl Talk! Where is this shit? I find it hard to believe that a glamorous creature like Stacy would ever lower herself to hang out with a boring prep like Katie. I think Katie's making up this shit about Homecoming, Nick, and Stacy just to fuck with me.

In English class, Ms. Staats the palindrome calls on Sabrina so she can tell the class what she though of the ending to A Separate Peace. Didn't the guy die or something? I can't remember, I read that book in high school. Luckily, Michel comes in the room before Sabrina has to confess that she was too busy picking out a new neon outfit to have read it. Priorities, you know. Michel sits next to Katie and they talk a bit. I'm pretty sure that Michel wants Katie, Katie feels ambivalent towards him, and Sabrina wants Michel. Katie and Michel both has lunch next period, and Michel asks if he can sit with Katie. I can't jump on the Katie and Michel bandwagon, because I've read books after this. Although, I do love Cruel Intentions. There's some crap about Scottie seeming to be jealous of Michel and more crap about hiding the surprise party, and the chapter ends.

Has anyone had vegetarian bacon? Is it any good? I had a nasty flu a few months ago that has left me not able to even really look at meat. The thought of vegetarian bacon is interesting me more right now than this book.

Katie has a tough practice, and goes home. She notices that her mom has flowers in the house and is playing music, two things she hasn't done much of since Katie's father died. She goes into the kitchen and sees her mom looking super hot in a red dress and lipstick, and freshly highlighted and permed hair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it super bad to highlight and perm your hair at the same time? Whatever. Katie goes upstairs and discusses her new MILF with her sister, Emily. They're dumb and can't figure out why their mom is so happy and looks so good. Duh, she met a guy! There's some dumb dinner conversation, with Emily being a bitch, and then finally their mom says that she's having a "nice man" she met over for dinner Sunday. Told you.

Mongols game! Katie wakes up at the buttcrack of dawn and finds an early birthday present from her MILF on the kitchen table. It's the new hockey skates she wanted, complete with neon orange laces to match her uniform. Sexy! Katie heads for a nearby pond to get a little practice in before the game. Now I don't know about hockey skates, but I do know from watching Ice Princess that you have to break in brand new skates before competing in them. But this is Girl Talk, so Katie will magically not get her feet torn up. She sees Michel at the pond, and they talk about the game and Katie's upcoming birthday and stuff. Katie is happy to have Michel on the team because he's so awesome that they have a good chance at beating the Mongols. After awhile, Katie goes home and finds her mom cooking breakfast. Randy, Sabrina, and Boring are all coming over to have breakfast. Randy comes first and acts like she owns the place basically. Do men usually act like that? Katie says it took awhile for her mom to get used to Randy's dude-ness, but now she loves her. Is Randy the hot date? Randy is excited about breakfast, and MILF takes this as a sign that M sucks and gets too much takeout instead of cooking for her manly daughter. Probably.

Game time! At warm up before, Scottie is being a dick. He asks Katie if her "new frog friend" got her the new skates. French Canadians are frogs? Scottie's just being a jealous prick, and needs to calm the fuck down. He glares at her the whole time. The Mongols get on the ice, and they're huge. Their goalie has a monster face painted on his mask. I would've busted up laughing, but Katie thinks it's intimidating. Michel tells her good luck, and Scottie nearly busts a nut making menacing faces at them. The game is tough. Michel says Aaayyy a lot. I guess he's channeling the Fonz. Scottie hates Michel. Katie steals the puck from the Mongols and send it to Scottie, who makes a goal. After that, the Mongols are pissed at Katie, and one of them checks her. She falls face first and blacks out for awhile. She wakes up and they call the doctor. Katie has a split lip, a bruised cheek, and a bad cut on her chin that needs stitches. Scottie checks everyone in sight for touching his woman. Katie does not play the rest of the game, obviously, and after leaving the doctor's goes home and falls asleep. She wakes up late at night and realizes she doesn't know who won the game, but then just goes back to sleep.

The next morning Katie looks like shit, but gets up and gets the morning paper. Her team won the game, 2-1. Scottie got put in the penalty box for his behavior, but Michel saved the day. MILF tells Katie to take it easy for the rest of the day, and she and Emily leave after breakfast for church. Sabrina come over and tells Katie about the game and Scottie's shit and says she thinks Scottie likes Katie. No shit, Sherlock. Oh wait, it's Sabrina. I'm sorry, baby! I'll never be sarcastic to your neon spandex loving ass again! Man and Bore show up, and they watch one of Man's horror movies. MILF shows up out of nowhere and makes them popcorn. I wish my masses were that short!

At 4:30, Awesome, Man, and Bore leave. Katie remembers that this is the day that her mom is having a guy over for dinner. Her mom says if she doesn't feel well enough to eat dinner with them she can have it in her room. Katie takes this as her mom not caring about her. Shut up, Katie, don't talk to your MILF like that! MILF says that if Katie would like to join them she can put on a robe if regular clothes are too uncomfortable. MILF's got the right idea, pajamas all day! Katie goes upstairs and finds that Emily is in the bathroom starting a bath for her. That situation is kind of awkward.

After Katie gets out of her bath, the doorbell rings. She answers it and finds Michel. Michel says that he and his father were invited for dinner. He couldn't tell Katie that before? Dinner goes fine, I guess, even though Katie and Emily are kind of being cunts. Afterward Emily comes into Katie's room to talk. Katie just wants to sleep. Emily thinks it's too soon for her mom to start dating. I know their father died and all, which is very sad, but it's been three years, not three days. Katie still just wants to sleep. Emily finally gets the hint and leaves. Katie sleeps.

At school the next day, Katie gets pissed about all the secretive behavior between Awesome, Bore, and Man. At practice, the coach yells at Scottie for acting like a fool after Katie got hurt, and says it's a good thing Michel was there. That's about it.

Telephone talk: Michel calls Sabrina to talk about Katie and lets it slip that his dad is doing the MILF. Sabrina calls Bore, who answers the phone like a grandma, to talk about Michel. Bore calls Man to talk about the same shit. Sabrina calls Katie and tells her that Michel says he likes her (Sabrina). Katie acts like a bitch.

Katie's birthday. She claims MILF forgot her birthday, even though she already got the skates and MILF told her happy birthday. How did she forget then? Molly Ringwald you are not, Katie. Katie goes to the pond, and Bore finds her there. Bore brings Katie back to her house, and Katie is pissed when she sees that MILF's car is not in the driveway. She walks in and everyone yells SURPRISE!!!!! Oh, who called it? A member of her hockey team gives her a hockey jacket and Michel's dad gives her a new hockey stick. Scottie tells Katie he was jealous of Michel, they kiss, and he asks her out on a date. She accepts.

This book was misleading. The cover makes it look like Katie and Sabrina both have the hots for Michel. I was expecting some good fights, but got nothing!

Try as I might, I could not find a cover image for this online. My bf is at work, so I'll have to ask him if he has a scanner when he gets home. I hope he does, because Sabrina's red jazz shoes are hot and Michel looks hella gay.

I suck.

2009-03-05T13:44:00.003-06:00

I swear to God I have a good excuse for not posting in forevs. I am now in my first semester of my senior year in college, and this bitch is no joke. I'm so swamped with my Research Methods in Psychology class that I barely have time to sleep. But, enough of the pity party.

Arrested Development's favorite holiday, Spring Break (eyes up here, Michael), is next week. Because I've been such a shitty blogger to you all you hos who still check in here, I'm going to do a posting bonanza. That's right, there will finally be new posts! I won't let you down this time, I swear.

So get ready, because tomorrow is my last day of school! Let me know if you guys have any requests, and I'll see what I can do.

BSC Little Sister #100 Karen's Book

2008-08-27T21:38:00.002-05:00

EDIT: Pics are up! Warning: they are not for the faint of heart.

I know, I know. I haven't updated yet. I just started a brand new school and I was too busy being lost and having to park 10 blocks away. You know, usual stuff.

Anyway, I found this book in my bathroom, which is appropriate because it is hella shitty. I've read quite a few Little Sisters in my time, and I have to say this is the worst. Seriously, the ghostwriter just checked out on this one. Oh, and the illustrator. These pictures are so awful, you cannot even comprehend their sheer hideousness. I may have to scan all of them!

The book starts out with Karen blowing bubbles in her milk and spilling and making a mess. Hate! Nannie helps her clean up, and doesn't use contractions in stating so. It's page 1 and I'm already mega pissed. This is going to be a good entry! Emily tries to blow milk bubbles, but ends up choking instead. Perhaps Claudia can teach her that in her next lesson. Everyone eventually leaves Karen to avoid murder charges from choking her to death...or to run errands and do other shit...and she's left alone. What's an annoying ADHD kid to do? Oh, go through the dreaded Chapter 2? I'm gigundoly pissed now.

Fuck Chapter 2.

Karen decides to re-read some of the Little House books (love that shit), and then gets an amazing idea. She is going to write her own life story! She runs downstairs and bothers Watson in his home office so she can get her baby book. Fun story: I was looking at my friend's baby book in high school, and her parents wrote down that she took her first poop. Who does that? Karen's book just consists of normal shit, like her family tree and stuff. She finally leaves her father alone and heads up to her room to start writing the epic novel of our time. Or a piece of shit that I will make fun of, either one.

Karen starts out her story with lies, first saying it was a dark and stormy night when she was born, and then starting over and saying it was the most beautiful spring day ever. Karen puts the hyper in hyperbole. I can shorten her crappy birth story up for you, you know, make it less painful. Basically, Lisa and Watson are walking around and looking at garage sales. They see a rocking chair they want, but while trying to decide to buy it, Lisa starts going into labor. After she comes home from the hospital with the spawn of Satan, they find the rocking chair on their porch, with a note from the guy who previously owned saying some crap about they deserve it or some other shit that I don't care about. Oh yeah, and they named the spawn of Satan Karen because it means pure, and when they looked at her they felt pure joy. Ha, wait until that bitch learns to talk.

Karen grows up a little, and in a few short years, trashes the rocking chair. Dumb bitch. Then her parents tell her they are expecting another baby. Karen's pissed. The little shit even tries to destroy the cake her grandma makes for Andrew when he's ready to come home. Then she cries and acts like a bitch when her mom comes home and sits in the rocking chair with baby Andrew. She has to hand Andrew off and rock Karen instead. I should feel sorry for them, but Watson could've sold her on the black market at any time. A few days later, Andrew starts crying and doesn't stop. While the adults are trying to figure out what is wrong with him, Karen makes faces at him and he stops. That is a total rip-off of Jessi's story about Squirt, but makes zero sense. It's been a few years since I took Developmental Psych, but I'm pretty sure a baby that's a few days old won't recognize a funny face as something humorous. Oh wait, this is Karen. Maybe she's just lying again. Little shit.

Little Shit goes to preschool, and doesn't want Lisa to leave. Hannie comes up and takes her hand and they play together. Little Shit forgets all about being scared and becomes BFF with Hannie.

Karen's parents get divorced, and there's seriously one sentence devoted to that. Did Lisa and Watson just say, "Hey, let's get divorced!" "Okay, that sounds good!" Honestly, no fighting or drama or anything. Karen is sad to leave Hannie, and tries to keep their friendship up over the phone, meaning she tries to have a tea party with Hannie over the phone. Goddamn I hate her. Hannie has to hang up, so Karen continues her tea party outside by herself. Suddenly she notices a girl next door laughing at her. The girl is Nancy, of course, and Karen invites her over to the tea party. There's some dumb shit about them trying to guess each other's names, and Lisa cockblocks it by calling Karen to lunch. I laugh. Nancy and Karen become BFFs.

Next chapter just consists of Karen telling the story about how she forgets everything when she goes back and forth from Watson's to Lisa's and has to rip ber blanket in half and have her parents indulge her and buy her Moosie. I pretty much want to rip my eyes out at this point in the book.

Lisa decides she wants some bookshelves built in her house, and calls a carpenter. That carpenter is Seth. Seth starts coming around a lot to build more shit, which is code for fucking Lisa, and they decide to get married. For some reason, Lisa has her hideous daughter in the wedding as a flower girl. Seth probably decided after meeting Karen that he didn't want any kids. I would.

Here's the next four chapters for you: Karen meets Kristy for the first time, Elizabeth and Watson get married and Karen is the flower girl, Karen is convinced that Mrs. Porter is Morbidda Destiny, and Karen is skipped into Ms. Colman's class (her old teacher probably just wanted to get rid of her).

It took Karen all weekend to write her shitty book, and she makes her family listen to it. They do, and praise her for some reason. Karen is proud, and Nannie offers ice cream, chocolates, and cookies to everyone. Karen is a little pig and takes everything. Yeah, like that kid needs more sugar. Nannie should spike Karen's desserts with Ny-Quil next time.

Pics coming tomorrow when I'm not lazy! Trust me, they're worth the wait.

First of all, this picture is impossible, because Karen could not be holding a book with a picture of the picture she is posing for. Plus I'm surprised the camera didn't break, because she is hella fug.

Emily is a smeary mess, and Karen looks as if she might not have the brain cells to operate milk bubbles.

Do I even need to say anything? These pics are awful!

I'd cry harder if that fug thing was looming above me.

I wish I could live in Scribbleland!

"Oh, NOW I remember why we decided to adopt instead!"

I'm back, bitches.

2008-08-18T11:17:00.002-05:00

It's true! And I have a tan! I haven't had one of those since I was about 8 or so! It's very exciting for me.

Camp was great and all, nothing like Camp Mohawk, of course, but then what in BSC history is like real life?

On one of my few days off, I went thrifting and came across the Sweet Valley High board game. You know I bought that shit. It was highly exciting for me, and it still makes me happy to gaze upon it sitting in my room in all it's glory. All I need now is the regular BSC game (I had 2 sets when I was little, but both had all the pieces lost and are long gone) and the BSC mystery game (never had it). Fingers crossed!

Posting should start again soon, for all you who emailed me during the summer salivating at the mouth for new posts. Okay, so it was like 3 people, but try to let me feel a little good about myself. I feel a little out of the loop, so please leave suggestions on what you'd like to see here.

Now I'm off to find the book I'd like to review next!

Just like Mohawk Jo!

2008-05-29T21:25:00.002-05:00

Well guys, it looks like I'll be on a summer hiatus. I got off my lazy butt and got a job working at the summer camp I went to when I was younger. Not only that, but I'm head female counselor there! I'm only not there right now because I have a wedding to go to. Pretty much my next day off will be the beginning of July. But don't you worry, I'm still spreading the joy of YA 80's books around; I suggested we read excerpts from SVH books on our story hike. Nice.

Now if I could only figure out how to stop making inappropriate comments...

California Diaries #1 Dawn

2008-05-05T20:30:00.001-05:00

EDIT: Okay, I've been working on this for a week now because of a combination of finals and re-discovering my My So-Called Life DVDs. I took my last final this morning (and watched the last episode of MSCL this afternoon), so I might as well finish this now!

Yes! I finally located a library with the California Diaries books! They're missing two, but we'll handle that when the time comes. I was so excited to find these, you seriously have no idea. Well, you probably do have an idea, since I've gotten numerous requests for these. Trust me, I wanted them as much as you guys did.

I LOVE the California Diaries. They're so much more real and relatable than BSC. I never got to the point in the BSC where Dawn became the environment Nazi, so it was a shock for me to read these and find out that a character that I had actually liked before in the BSC series could be such a hypocritical judgmental bitch. I don't like any of the Dawn books and I want to smack her 99% of the time, so this recap should be quite sarcastic and angry.

First entry consists of Dawn describing how crowded her school was and how much she hates it because it's distracting and stuff. Shove it, ho. Then Dawn further pisses me off by not approving of how Sunny is handling her mom's cancer. Look, ass, you can't say what she would do because you've never been in that situation. Man, I'm already pissed off, and I'm only on the fourth page!

Second entry is kind of a short BSC Chapter 2. It doesn't ramble on about stupid little details about all her friends or mention that Jessi's black, so it's pretty good.

Dawn and Sunny meet Maggie at her place to walk to school together. Maggie's all upset because she didn't study for her math quiz enough and she thinks she might not get an A. Maggie also doesn't have green hair or a rat tail any more, so I'm sad. They get to school and see the fourth member of the old We Love Kids club, Jill. Apparently Jill isn't emo enough to get her own book, so the writers had to turn her into a huge dork who is wearing a unicorn sweatshirt and pink sneakers with unicorn tails hanging off of them. That outfit is so hot I cannot even picture it clearly in my mind. Jill needs to go listen to Fall Out Boy and buy some black eyeliner so she can get her own book and I can read more about the awesome contents of her closet.

Dawn bitches some more about the school being overcrowded. Apparently a lot of kids switch to this school in eighth grade because the high school is so good. Don't let them in then? I'm assuming this is a private school. My high school was a private school, and all eighth graders have to take an entrance exam to get in. They had so many kids wanting to come in my freshmen year (the sports teams are phenomenal, as are the academics) that they had a waiting list that went by entrance exam scores. They also didn't accept transfer students unless you had just moved to the area. Guess what? My school was full, but not overcrowded. Logic works! Dawn complains some more about the hallways being crowded, and she and Sunny shout "Rulers!" at each other, because as eighth graders they are the rulers of the junior high. Dawn wonders why the high school seniors don't shout that, too. Because they're not stupid and immature!

The next day or something there is an announcement over the loudspeaker that the high school and the eighth grade are going to have an assembly. Dawn wonder what is going on, because the junior high and high schools never have assemblies together. Let's see, the eighth grade is overcrowded, Dawn is happy to be a ruler of the junior high, and she clearly loves to bitch. I think we all know where this is going. Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill head over to the assembly. Dawn tries to act like Jill isn't with them because, as she snottily puts it, Jill is actually wearing a sweatshirt with crayons on the front and thinks she looks cute. I seem to remember some pretty fug stuff that Claudia would wear, but she was considered to be a huge fashionista. I guess Connecticut Dawn was more accepting of others than California Dawn. Oh, and shut up, Dawn. Anyone who wore DIY off the shoulder sweatshirts, a sweat-skirt, and crimped hair to impress a hick's hick cousin has no room to talk.

Assembly announcement: the eighth grade is moving to the high school building. Duh. Dawn complains. Duh squared (love you, Rayanne!). The next like 5 pages all consist of Dawn bitching about the move. Calm the fuck down, it's not that cool to be rulers of the junior high anyway. Maggie echos my thoughts and says that they're just moving to a different building, not a different school, and she'll be happy to not be so jam packed. I love Maggie.

At home, Dawn is coddled my Mrs. Bruen, their housekeeper. Mrs. Bruen brings her peppermint tea to soothe her. I hope there's arsenic in it. At dinner, Dawn's dad announces that he'll be leaving for a business trip soon and will be gone for ten days. Dawn throws a fit because he will be gone the day she moves into the high school building, and she wanted him there for moral support. What was he going to do, come to school with her and hold her hand? I bet Dawn's dad wishes she stayed in Connecticut. After dinner Dawn decides she needs to ask Carol about something she heard about Sunny's mom. She wants to know what the word sterile means. Couldn't she figure it out? She asks Carol, and I wish Carol had said that sterile was what she wished Dawn's dad had been so Dawn's whiny ass wouldn't be around, but instead she just laughs. Dawn gets pissed and looks it up in the dictionary. Why couldn't she have done that in the first place?

Dawn thinks about her friends, and how everything seems to be changing. Except Jill, who still acts like a baby. Dawn is tired of acting excited over Jill's teddy bear collection. Dawn Rochelle's frizzy ass hair should attack Dawn Schafer's teddy bear hating face! Also, WTF is up with Jill suddenly being a baby? I remember she was all bikini-ed out and shit in Dawn On the Coast, and now all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that she's this huge kindergartner? I think Dawn's making it all up. Ho.

Dawn is in study hall on her first day of being in the high school building. She doesn't know anyone, and she's all weirded out by these two older kids making out. Dawn sucks and all, but that would weird me out, too. Holy shit, then she says hell! That's right, HELL! I love the California Diaries! Anyway, Maggie and Sunny are worried about hazing. Hazing is so fucking stupid, seriously. Big deal, so some kids' moms got knocked up later than others'. Doesn't make you any better than them. Our high school "hazing" consisted of one thing: yelling "Go home, freshmen!" at assemblies. Harmless. Oh well, back to the book. Vista's hazing consists of "lipsticking," which is writing an 8 on the 8th grader's foreheads (um, wipe it off?), being given wrong directions (pool on the roof?), and generally being inferior to XP. Oh, sorry, I just have some Windows Vista hate built up.

Dawn insists on going with Carol to the airport to see her dad off. She acts like it's some big-ass deal and shit and that she has to force Carol to let her go. I'm not buying it, and shut up, Dawn.

Dawn accidentally tries to open up the wrong locker the next day at school, and the bitchface who owns the locker, Mandy, is a total ho about it. Anyone can make that mistake, come on. She has to check to see if Dawn stole anything, even though Dawn didn't even get the locker open because she didn't have the right combination. Nothing was stolen, but Dawn had kicked the locker when she couldn't get it open and it caused a mirror in there to break. Mandy acts all ass-facey about it. Just go get another one at the Dollar Tree, no need to be a huge bitch about it. Dawn offers to pay her back and reaches in her purse to give her some money for it. A stuffed puppy falls out with a little first-grade note from her "puppy-pal" Jill attached to the tail. Mandy makes fun of Dawn, and from then on calls her Puppy-Pal whenever she sees her. BFD, a stuffed animal. There are tons of way better stuff to make fun of Dawn for, like the time she was in love with mullet-y Travis.

Dawn picks a fight with Carol. Carol tells her to do her homework, and instead of telling her that with the school switch they haven't really gotten any, Dawn flips out and accuses Carol of picking on her. You know, no one will replace Dawn's mom, I get that. But Carol seems really cool, fun, and easy-going. Dawn should lay off and be happy that she doesn't have a V.C. Andrews-like stepmother.

Carol and Mrs. Bruen take Jeff out shopping for clothes and leave Dawn at home to write in her journal and sulk. Mary Anne calls Dawn, and Dawn writes that she misses her Stoneybrook friends, but not as much as she thought she would. Well, she was only there for a year or so (according to the books, more like 15 years in real life), whereas she's known her California friends since she was little, so I can see how she'd miss the California friends a little more. Carol, Jeff, and Mrs. Bruen come back, and apparently Jeff is as much of a little snot as his older sister because all they bought was a pair of socks or something. Dawn said one time Jeff left his journal out and she read it and it was filled with stuff about how much he hated her. I knew I liked Jeff. Of course, since he is 10, he didn't use any contractions. What age are you able to use them? This is dumb. Dawn thinks back to her conversation with Mary Anne earlier. Mary Anne of course asked about the We Love Kids Club, because babysitting is her life. Apparently the We Love Kids Club is pretty much no more, because they don't really feel like babysitting any more. Except for Jill, who is totally lame and loves it because then she can trade Barbies with the kids. Maybe I made the Barbie part up. Dawn thinks Jill is lame because Jill's idea of hanging out is baking cookies and making popcorn. Dawn is hella lame if her idea of fun doesn't include delicious cookies or popcorn.

At school all the cool 8th graders get invitations to a kegger stuck in their locker. Well, all the cool kids and Jill. Dawn actually has the nerve to ask if the party is for cool kids then why did Jill get invited. Why did YOU get invited, Dawn? I thought Dawn was supposed to be a hippie and shit. Shouldn't she be a little more kind towards her fellow man? Jill says she isn't going, and because she is immature, she doesn't use contractions. Words cannot express my hate. Maggie, Sunny, and Dawn are going to go, so Jill decides she might come, but she's not sure if she should make cookies or fudge to bring. Jill, the only baked goods that would be acceptable at a high school party are some brownies, and I'm pretty sure you don't have all the special ingredients. Dawn snottily tells her they'll talk about it later.

Dawn actually has an honest moment, because she writes an entry about how she's not a very good person all the time. Duh. Then again, who can be perfect all the time? We all think mean thoughts about other people, like how today in my math final I wished my teacher would button his shirt higher because his hairy chest was making me want to throw up my Luna bar and Sunny D. Actually, if people could hear my thoughts I probably would have zero friends, but lots of boyfriends. Yeah, I'm a gross bitch.

Dawn accidentally picks up the phone and hears Carol's doctor tell her that her EPT was correct and that she is pregnant. Dawn says that EPT stands for Early Pregnancy Test, but I thought it stood for Error-Proof Test or the thank-God-it's-negative test. How can she know that shit but not know what sterile means? Dawn confesses to Carol later that she overheard, and is kind of pissed that Carol's not mad about it. Dawn just loves to start shit with Carol, I swear. Carol is kind of in shock, and asks Dawn to keep it a secret until her dad gets home, because she wanted him to be the first to know and wants to be the one to tell him. Dawn says okay, and I can't help but think she'll find some way to fuck this simple request up.

Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill hang out in Dawn's room the day of the party and try to decide whether or not to go. Jill acts like a baby and lacks the use of contractions. She wants to have an old-fashioned good old days sleepover. Nothing wrong with that. The other girls decide they can all go to the mall and then go to Jill's. Jill is happy.

At the mall, Sunny wants to get some more piercings, either in her ears or her belly button. Dawn tells her no. What place in the mall pierces belly buttons, and what place ever would pierce a 13 year old without a parent present? I was 20 when I got my belly button pierced, and I had to go to a tattoo parlor and show my ID. Dumb! Maggie says she needs to go to the pet store to get some supplies, and Jill is happy because she can play with the kittens there. That would make me mega happy, too, but Sunny rolls her eyes. Dawn pulls her aside and tells her to stop doing that shit and be nice to Jill. Fucking hypocrite, like you're nice to her? Jill nearly pisses her pants at the sight of a store called Bear Necessities, where she buys teddy bear stickers and barrettes and a plastic pony perfume bottle. Jill is totally going to be one of those 45 year old women you see hanging out in Build-A-Bear, buying stuff for themselves. They go to lunch, and Sunny randomly starts crying about her mom. Poor Sunny. Then she runs off afterwards and gets her belly button pierced. In the mall. A 13 year old. With no parent present. I am not buying it! Dawn is pissed, because apparently she's the mommy now. Hahaha, I bet Dawn totally wears mom jeans.

Carol drives Sunny and Dawn over to Jill's. Dawn apparently knows all about pregnancy symptoms, because she's wondering why Carol doesn't have morning sickness and shit. They go to Jill's, and wait for Maggie and the pizza guy to arrive. Maggie arrvies in her limo and the pizza guy is impressed. Dawn informs us that Maggie thinks the limo is pretentious. Yes, she can use the word pretentious, but doesn't know what sterile means.

Jill has decorated her room in pink and white streamers and balloons. Of course, this means she is a baby. If I had some streamers and balloons I'd decorate my room right now. I'm so over this book. She also only has Disney movies, and doesn't understand when the other girls are not interested. Disney movies can be fun. My roommate and I used to watch Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid in our dorm. These girls need to stop acting so snotty, or bring their own damn movies if they're going to be picky. Basically everything Jill does is baby-ish and horrible. She suggests playing Cootie, prank calling people, and makeovers. All except for Cootie sound like normal 13 year old sleepover things to do. I don't know when makeovers became babyish, but Sunny is disgusted at the thought of them. Jill finally gets fed up with the shit and starts crying because she doesn't know what else to do. Poor Jill.

Jill's mom and sister leave for a few hours, and Sunny decides that now is the time to go to the high school party. Jill refuses because she's scared of getting caught, so the other snots leave her. Assholes! Except for Maggie. I love that little rich ano. Oh, and Sunny's cool, too. And Dawn...is an asshole.

The party is a typical high school kegger. The girls get drinks, and Maggie and Dawn slowly take sips of theirs. Dawn spits hers right out and declares it disgusting. Sunny, however, totally chugs her cup. I love her. It totally sounds like they're drinking Boone's, too. You know you're getting high class wine when it comes in a multitude of bright colors and costs only $1.98 at Wal-Mart. Boone's rocks. The girls meet up with Amalia, whom none of them know really well. I kind of don't like Amalia. Sunny is totally drunk off of her cup of Boone's, and wants to go get some more. Sunny knows how to have a good time! Sunny returns later and is hardcore drunk. Fun fact: Sunny talks like Sean Connery when she's drunk!

Dawn immediately goes into full on mommy mode. Um, if you didn't want her to drink then why weren't you watching her? And why did you even go to the party in the first place? Sunny is a little Boone's'd out, and starts to puke in the bushes. Just then the ho Mandy whose locker Dawn accidentally tried to open comes by and starts laughing. Apparently 8th graders were invited to the party as a part of hazing so that they'd drink a lot and get sick. Doesn't everyone drink a lot and get sick at high school parties? I never went to any because I was never invited and I live in the middle of nowhere so I wasn't close enough to crash the houses that the parties were at. This party is dumb, and I really want some Blue Hawaiian.

Sunny continues to puke and shit, and feels all gross. Honestly, what did she think would happen when she drank so much? She lays down on the front step of the house the party is at. Suddenly the older kids start grabbing the younger ones and throwing them in the pool. I don't get it. Dawn tries to get out and accidentally ends up pulling Mandy in the pool. Sweet! She eventually gets out, but Maggie refuses to. She says she's wearing a really thin t-shirt and no bra. Hot! I bet if Maggie got out she'd become one of the most popular girls in school. Maggie's crush Justin shows up as she is getting out and totally gets a hard on. He doesn't even pretend to be looking somewhere else. It doesn't take a psychic to know that the only thing that is going through his head is "BOOBS!" Dawn stands there in her jean jacket and doesn't even bother to offer it to poor Maggie. They head back to the porch to get Sunny and leave. Sunny still feels sick. Maggie argues with her and Dawn notices that all the upperclassmen are heading out. Then she hears sirens. This would be your cue to run, Dawn. And they actually do!

They meet Amalia out on the street behind the house, and they're all confused on where to go. Just then a car pulls up with a familiar looking guy driving. He offers to take them home, and just then Sunny realizes that her wallet was left back at the party. She freaks out, and the guy, who is Ducky, calms her down. He drives them all back to Amalia's and Jill's, and tells Sunny he'll pick her up tomorrow and take her back to the party house to find her wallet. I could never decide if Ducky wanted Sunny or men. Let me know what you guys think in the comments.

The girls, who are back at Jill's house way after her mother and sister were due home, throw pebbles at Jill's window to wake her up. Jill opens the window to find Sunny puking on the lawn. Nice. She totally covered for them with her mom, which was pretty cool. Of course, instead of being happy, Dawn is just disgusted by Jill's footie pajamas. Footie pajamas are fucking awesome, bitch, and don't you forget it! They tell her the party story, and Jill is pissed when she finds out Sunny lost her wallet because she thinks that somehow her mom might find out and her cover will be blown. Dawn snottily tells her that it's not all about her, even though when Sunny initially found out about her missing wallet Dawn yelled at her for the exact same thing. Sunny falls into a drunken sleep on Jill's bed, and Jill realizes that Sunny was sick from all the $1.98 Blue Hawaiian. She gets pissed that Sunny's on her bed, especially since she's all pukey, and Dawn is a ho about it. I'd be mad, too, if my friends all left me and I had to lie for them and then one came back drunk and stole my bed. They could've at least brought back a bottle of Melon Ball for her. Nothing says love and class like a bottle of Boone's.

Jill's sister and mom wake them all up the next morning at 8 am. Who the fuck wakes up a sleepover party at 8 am? Sunny is hungover, and Maggie and Dawn are just tired.

Ducky picks up Sunny and Dawn. Dawn gets all disgusted by his piece of shit car. What's your car like, Dawn? Oh that's right, you don't have one, so shut the fuck up. They go to the house and start looking. Just then, the front door opens and a woman comes out holding Sunny's neon (!) pink wallet. Turns out the big prank with the party was that it was held at a teacher's house while the teacher was away for the weekend. Ruh-roh! Ms. Krueger, the teacher, says that she'll talk to them at school to decide their punishment. Ducky takes Dawn and Sunny home, and they all worry.

Dawn calls up Jill and they go to the mall together. Jill is all sad, even at Bear Necessities. Dawn acts like a decent human being for once and apologizes to her. Then she tells her about Carol's pregnancy. Why, I do not know. She makes Jill swear not to tell anyone, not even her My Little Pony collection. Lickity Split is a total blabbermouth.

At school there's an announcement that all of the high school will have an assembly the next day, most likely about the party. Ms. Krueger also says she wants to see Ducky, Sunny, and Dawn in her office the next day. Dawn asks her friends if they want to come over, and they're all busy except for Jill, who is eager to bake cookies with Mrs. Bruen. They get there and Carol comes in, carrying a fax machine. Jill tells her she shouldn't be carrying heavy things in her condition. Carol says the thought she could trust Dawn and then leaves. Dawn turns on Jill and bitches her out and makes her cry. It's your fault, Dawn! You shouldn't have told anyone! Own up to YOUR mistake!

Lecture time! Ms. Krueger basically tells them how stupid and dangerous it was to be walking around to and from the party at night. She knows they were all tricked, and says that she's not going to punish them at this time, but if she ever hears about any other trouble from them in the future, she'll totally smoke their asses.

At the assembly, the students are informed that any upperclassmen seen hazing will be suspended and any student who gets into any trouble such as drinking, trespassing, or defacing property will also be suspended. All of the classes will be using their class funds to repay Ms. Krueger for the damages, and the freshmen and junior classes are still a little short, so any upcoming fundraisers will also go to her. Because of that, the freshmen and juniors will have their class trips cancelled because they won't have any money left. That'll show them!

Justin passes Maggie in the hall and totally checks out her rack again. Mandy the bitch comes up to Dawn and asks if she found her wallet. Apparently Mandy tried to plant Dawn's wallet at the party to get her in trouble, but had a few too many bottles of Strawberry Hill and stole Sunny's wallet instead.

The book ends with Dawn bitching about Carol not telling her dad about her pregnancy, Mandy being an assface, and Jill being more into Care Bears than Boone's. She decides to put together a group a people to raise money and go plant flowers and clean up at Ms. Krueger's. She says she knows the kids will like that. Probably not. Dawn apologizes to Jill, who apologizes back for letting the pregnancy secret slip. Even though the air is kind of cleared between them, Dawn says she's not sorry enough to work things out with Jill. And on that bitchy note, the book is over!

Is that Dawn after Sunny puked some Blue Hawaiian up on her? I wish.

Poll for May

2008-05-01T11:07:00.005-05:00

Sorry for being lax on the posting, I started a recap Monday and still haven't finished it! I've only had one class the week (every morning), but it's my most difficult one and we had a test and a handout and shit due, plus our final is Monday. I'll probably be better at posting again once my final is over and I have no obligations.

So, on to the poll! TG and Sabrina didn't stand a chance, even though I voted for Sabrina like 5 times. Lila and Claudia started off head to head, but then Claudia blew past and totally killed everyone in a flurry of Ms. Frizzles, paint, Twinkies, and bad spelling. Go Claudia!

So here's my new question for May: Which V.C. Andrews male is the creepiest? I mean, they all have their faults, but which one really makes your skin crawl? There's like a million answers to choose from, and I didn't even think about every series! Here are our nominees:

Chris Dollanganger (2): This is the younger Chris, who relentlessly pursued Cathy and couldn't take a hint. We all know about his gross ways.

Tony Tatterton: My, how Tony loves his wife, Jillian! In fact, he loves her so much that he rapes her daughter, Leigh, and then is all obsessed with both the daughter (Heaven) and granddaughter (Annie) that resulted from that rape. He does die the absolute best death in V.C. Andrews history, if I recall correctly (I may not be since I hated this book so much that I can't remember if he died or just passed out): he's laying on a couch in a woman's nightgown. Love!

Philip Cutler: Likes to rape his sister, Dawn, and her daughter, Christie. He was best man at his sister's wedding and mouthed the I do to her, like he was marrying her. He also made his buttugly wife dye her hair like his sister and he occasionally liked to sleep with one of his sister's nightgowns doused in her perfume spread out beside him. Philip's fucked up.

Malcolm Foxworth (1): This is TG's husband, and believe me, she needed to be giving him forty lashes. Malcolm had a really unhealthy obsession with his mom, the first Corinne, that we never got to go into (Someone figure out how to resurrect V.C. Andrews and have her write a story from the first Corinne's POV). He also raped his stepmom repeatedly and was way too controlling with his daughter that resulted from that rape, slutbag Corinne.

Cal Dennison: Bought Heaven from her father (no, seriously!) and then proceeded to do her like crazy. I know Heaven's white trash and all, but come on, Cal!

Jimmy Longchamp: Yet another sister lover. I know Dawn turned out not to be his real sister, but they thought they were brother and sister for like 14 years, so that's gross as hell.

Jed Booth: Raped his adopted daughter, Lillian, and was an all-around angry bitch.

Cary Logan: Um, peephole into his twin sister's room? Disgusting! Then he gets all grab-assy with Melody, who is kind of sort of not really his cousin. Forget about that and just think about the peephole into Laura's room.

Roy Arnold: See Jimmy Longchamp, but replace Dawn with Rain.

Bart Winslow (1): One of Cathy's many lovers. Though he wasn't technically related to her (he was her stepfather but they had never met before), he still came off as a creepy asshole who can't hold his load.

Bart Winslow (2): Cathy and Bart Winslow's son. His last name may not be Winslow, I can't remember. Whatever. It's insinuated that he totally did something to his adopted sister. Oh, and let's not forget his crazy (literally) childhood!

Julian Marquet: Julian likes little girls. Gross! At least he tried to break up Cathy and Chris.

Arden Lowe: Yeah, Arden's not related to Audrina in any way, but something about him creeped me out. Maybe it was the fact that he knew the truth about Audrina's past and went along with the lies, maybe it was the fact that he wanted to have sex with a girl he knew was gang-raped, maybe it was the fact that he was doing Vera while Audrina was in a coma, I don't know. I just don't like him.

Damian Adare: Audrina's father, who is fucking weird. I can't even get into it without ruining the story, but those of you who have read it know what I mean.

Paul Tate: Yet ANOTHER sister lover. Half-sister, actually, but still. He and Ruby cut their relationship off after finding out they're related, but he still wants her hardcore. He does a little role-playing after they get married (don't ask) and they have sex. Role-playing or sham marriage or not, sex with your sister is nasty.

Or you can choose all of them, because I know it's a tough decision.

Voting ends June 1!

BSC Little Sister #63 Karen's Movie Now with inside pics!

2008-04-21T22:30:00.001-05:00

I've never read this book, so bear with me while I read it as I'm writing this post. I picked it up off the discard shelf because I figured that a Little Sister book is always easy to make fun of.

It kind of bugged me that every Little Sister book title was Karen's something. Other things that bugged me about Little Sister books: the huge font, shitty internal pictures, Karen, the alphabet block letters on the front cover not being the same font as the regular BSC, gigundo, Emily Jr., no one using contractions, and two-twos. There's more I don't like, but I just don't feel like naming it. Maybe I should try to name what I actually do like instead. Let's see...hmmm...drawing a blank here, guys. Oops!

Okay, I just read the first paragraph and I already want to throw this book across the room. Karen is laying in bed listening to her stomach growling. Um, eat? That fug child isn't going to be a supermodel any time soon, so she doesn't have to starve herself. Andrew comes in and calls her a sleepyhead. I would've thrown the closest object at him, but Karen just gets dressed really fast and goes downstairs to eat breakfast. Why is she getting dressed in the summer? I had two summer outfits: pajamas and swimsuit. Most of the time the swimsuit was under the pajamas. I only got dressed in the summer when school was still in session, and then it was spandex biker shorts or overall shorts. Karen needs to get with it.

There's some crap about Karen loving the fruit in her cereal and then going out to play Red Light, Green Light with a bunch of neighborhood kids and Andrew. Then we have the usual Chapter 2 with all of the background information that we already know and don't care about.

At dinner, Karen makes a Dalmatian out of her watermelon seeds. Her mother encourages this stupidity by telling her it's terrific instead of doing what I would do, which is shove the watermelon down her throat. Not that I'm discouraging creativity, I just hate Karen. Seth gets a phone call and it's bad news, oh noes. Seth's dad is in the hospital. Karen asks if he broke his wrist, because she can tell him everything about that. No, dumbass. He had a heart attack and is going to need a bypass. Seth makes arrangements to fly out to Nebraska to be with him and his mother. Karen and Andrew are scared, so they make Grandad some get well cards. Karen says makign the cards helps her to not be scared any more. It's easy to distract her.

The next day the parents make a decision. Seth will fly out soon, and then three weeks later Lisa, Andrew, and Karen will fly out to join him. Lisa says she will cook some stuff to bring there. Can you take food on airplanes? Seth says he thought of a great gift for his parents: a TV and VCR. Karen is doubtful because Grandad once told her that TV was a waste of money and that's why they didn't have one. I'm just going to take a minute here and go hug my plasma TV and beloved Tivo. I'll never call you wastes of money, babies! Karen then asks how they will watch anything since Seth's parents don't have cable on their farm. There's other channels that aren't cable, retard. Our TV in our kitchen isn't hooked up to cable or satellite and it still functions. Instead of explaining this to his annoying stepdaughter, Seth says that he is getting them the VCR for that reason, so they can watch movies on tape. Apparently Seth doesn't know that TVs get channels without cable or satellite either. Seth calls his friend Howard, who runs an appliance store, and tells him to have a TV and a VCR ready for him to ship to Nebraska. Karen says that they get all their appliances from Howard, because he gives Seth a good discount. Yeah, a five-finger one. Karen decides she needs to think of a gift to give Grandad. How about staying at home?

Karen's mom drops her and Andrew off at Watson's house. Karen, Andrew, and Kristy spend a bunch of time making lemonade, and keep having to add sugar or lemons because it's either too sweet or too sour. Do no grocery stores in Stoneybrook carry some good old Country Time mix? These bitches are always making lemonade the hard way! Karen comes up with the not-so-great idea of making a movie for Grandad with Watson's video camera. Because what's better than documenting her annoyingness so you can relive it again and again! Also, camcorders were pretty expensive back then. I know Watson's loaded and all, but do you really think he's going to let his ADHD-ridden 7 year old and all of her grimy friends play with it? Apparently so, because I just flipped ahead and the issue never comes up.

Karen, Hannie, and Nancy come up with the dumbest script in the history of movies. It's called Princess Gigglepuss, and it's chock full of knock knock jokes and other stupidity. I think some of my brain cells voluntarily left after reading it. She casts some of the neighborhood kids in it, but they have to pretend they have a camera for awhile until she can get the real one.

Karen talks to her grandma on the phone and tells her she has a surprise planned for Grandad, but won't say what it is. I'm sure she cares, what with her husband in such critical condition. Karen writes Grandad a letter and makes sure to dump tons of glitter all over it. She's so thoughtful.

Karen has a movie meeting. She hands out pictures she drew of what everyone's costumes are supposed to look like. I can't even imagine how shitty they must look. Karen bosses everyone around while they make their costumes. They're not happy. The next day she bosses around everyone at rehearsal. The other kids are even less happy. Karen says she's the director and the director's job is to boss people around. I think we all know where this is going. Andrew flubs his lines and Karen goes all apeshit on him. Nancy tells her to calm the fuck down because Andrew's only 4. Karen says it's going to be a long day.

A few days later, they're ready to film. A kid in Karen's class is using the camcorder, and I still think that's not cool. Karen continues to be a bossy asshole, and Hannie calls her out on it. Karen reminds her that she is the director and that is how directors are. She continues to be a ho, but they get through it. Karen yells cut and all the other kids celebrate and run away from her.

Shit, now I'm nervous. Karen sits down later to watch the tape. She's not happy. Bobby sucks at filming (he is only 7 or 8, after all, not fucking Spielberg), then someone has the nerve to sneeze off-camera, then Hannie doesn't say her lines to Karen's liking...basically Karen's treating this piece of shit like it's going to be nominated for an Oscar or something. The next day she makes the kids shoot the scenes again, and lays down some rules. No one is allowed to sneeze or cough, Bobby has to film things non-shittily (yeah, I just made that word up, so what?), and Hannie has to say her lines more cheerfully. Hannie gets pissed and quits. Hannie's always the cockblock in these books, isn't she? Everyone else quits too.

Karen goes to Watson's, and he asks her how her movie is coming along. She says it's okay, and asks if there are Academy Awards for home movies. Who called that one? She and Sam watch the movie together, and they see her acting like a bossy bitch. Sam says she's a tough director, but he misses the sneezing in the background. Oh Sam. I'd probably do him. Sam says he'll edit out the parts where Karen is acting like a little brat at the high school on their editing equipment. Or he could just hook the camcorder up to the VCR and put another tape in and record what he wants. That's how we did it for my high school English video project.

Karen gets packed for Nebraska. She is leaving the next day. She packs some hick clothes, like overalls and a straw hat, and tells Andrew all the farm stuff they'll do. Andrew asks if the plane ride will be fun. Didn't they fly in the first Super Special? I know they took a cruise, but I thought they flew at one point in the book, too. Karen wants to call Hannie or Nancy, but no one wants to talk to her since the movie shit went down. I didn't want to talk to her before then, but that's just me.

They fly out to Nebraska, and Seth meets them at the Omaha airport. Karen is all ready to have some fun on the farm, and is disappointed when Seth says he's going back to the hospital and Lisa is staying in the house near the phone. Well, duh, dumbass, you're not there for a vacation, you're there because your grandfather is having serious health problems. Karen shows Andrew around the farm, and acts like a little snot because she had been there before and done lots of cool things while he hadn't. Lisa calls them into the house, where Grandad is waiting on the phone for them. He says he feels better and will be home in a few days. Karen is excited.

The next day Karen's grandma takes Karen and Andrew to a neighboring farm where her friend Tia lives. She and Andrew play with Tia the stereotypical hick until Granny comes and picks them up again. This book is seriously all filler.

Grandad's homecoming! More filler about him looking frail and tired. Karen thought he'd look better because hospitals are supposed to make you well. Someone should sit her down and explain what bypass surgery is to her. They have a welcome-home party for him, and Karen is excited to give him her movie. She makes him watch is right then and there and he loves it. Granny says it must've taken a lot of cooperation, and Karen starts to feel bad because she thinks of all the film of her acting like a little snot that was edited out. All her friends are still mad at her, so Karen decides that since this party made Grandad feel better, she'll have a party for her friends when she gets back home to make them feel better. Or just apologize? I know she can't use contractions, but she can say "I am sorry" or "I am a little snotrag" instead.

Karen goes home to Connecticut and thinks of a special way she can thank her friends. Uh, say it? A few days after coming home, they have a party. They play dumb games and watch the movie together and shit. Karen gives them their special thank you surprise. She drew a movie poster and had her mom make copies of it. It has the movie's name and a picture of a cat wearing a crown on it, and then everyone's name underneath the drawing, with her name last and in the smallest print. It's hella lame, and doesn't make up for her acting like a douche, but her friends all love it and forgive her. Everyone's dumb!

Karen is so fug. I can't even comment on the rest of the photo because my eyes are bleeding from her hideousness.

I'll try to get some of the awful inside pics up tomorrow, as it's kind of late and I need to go to bed. Someone colored inside my book, so they look even worse than usual. The inside pics of Karen make her look like a supermodel on the outside one. They're that bad.

Update: Here you go, guys! Sorry I didn't put them up yesterday, but I was so busy. Okay, I can't lie. I was watching America's Next Top Model on MTV all day and then I took a nap.

Bobby's rocking out his jorts some more, Karen's being a bossy ho.

I just love the look on Bobby's face in this one. Karen's being a little snot again, and Bobby's just like, "Hell to the naw!" I think I'm a Bobby fan.

Karen looks like she has Down's Syndrome in this picture. Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing!

Would you forgive Karen if she gave you this piece of crap? I would just be more mad at her.

There's more pictures, but they all basically consist of Karen looking ugly and doing everyday shit, or more of her bossing around the other kids. Hate!

Procrastination Post

2008-04-17T10:43:00.003-05:00

You know what really sucked in grade school (1-8 for me, we didn't have a separate junior high in my hickass town)? Gym class. Man, I hated gym. I am not athletic in the least bit, and I was always picked last. Always! Even when my friends were chosen as captains! Then when we'd play, I would never ever get a chance to get better because I was never passed the ball. I'd be wide open on the basketball court and my teammates would choose to have the ball stolen than throw it to sucky me. Yeah, I probably wouldn't catch it anyway, but come on. It's fucking 7th grade gym class, who cares if you win or lose?

I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt that I was picked last, because it did. I don't know why my gym teachers would make us go through that crap when they could've just divided up the teams themselves. It would've been so much easier, and better for the kids who no one wanted. Gym teachers are sadists, though, I guess. My gym teacher for 6-8 grade was a man, and this was also the time in my life when I would get cramps from my period so badly that I could barely walk, let alone stand around a basketball court and watch my classmates ignore me while they played. I only went to school because I was in line for valedictorian and didn't want to miss a thing. So one day I asked him if I could sit out, because it hurt so badly. I even told him why I was in pain, which is the last resort for any 12-14 year old girl to say to their male teacher. He refused, and I spent the whole class doubled over on the basketball court in pain, wishing menstrual cramps on him for all his life. I swear, if guys had a period for just one day, there would never be another PMS joke again. EVER!

I guess this is just a lesson to any future or current gym teachers out there: choose teams yourself to spare the unathletic, and allow sitting out for monthly pains.

I guess I can take solace in the fact that I was always picked first for spelldowns and Brain Quest.

My mom bought me a set of Brain Quest cards, 4th grade ones I think, and we'd do them on long car rides.

So were you guys the unwanted unathletic children or the stronger ones that shunned the kids who couldn't catch a ball to save their lives?

SVH Second Time Around

2008-04-14T19:49:00.003-05:00

When I first heard that they were re-releasing SVH for today's teens, I wasn't too please, to say the least. I don't like change that much, especially with things that I loved as a child (I still get pissed at today's Polly Pockets). But, you know,if they just updated the slang and outfits to fit with today, maybe it would be okay. Not so. After reading the "SVH 2008" section on the Dairi Burger and the article on Go Fug Yourself, I'm pissed.

-No Dairi Burger. It's been renamed.
-Bruce drives a Cadillac, and doesn't have the 1bruce1 vanity plate. As the LJ group 1bruce1 puts it, "Who the hell gets seduced in a Cadillac?"
-Dana Larson is emo and the Droids was also renamed.
-No Lisette's. They all shop at name brand stores like Abercrombie and Hollister.
-Twins are now a perfect size 4.
-Here's Amazon's description of Power Play: "Jessica Wakefield is used to setting off sparks. But when she starts a new, highly selective club—the Sweet Valley High Beautification Committee—she begins a war with her twin sister.

Elizabeth knows that Jessica has more on her mind than simply cleaning up the SVH campus. It’s obvious that the Beauties are out to become the most elite group of girls at school, even if it means walking all over those they deem less worthy. Only one Wakefield can reign supreme. And Liz is determined to show Jessica that the final say on beauty won’t come from a committee vote."

WTF is that shit? No PBA? No fat Robin chowing down on candy bars while Elizabeth gives her a disapproving and condescending look? How can they call this SVH?

I don't know if this series will really do that well, even updated. I mean, look at the Gossip Girl series. They say fuck and have sex and drink and do drugs. SVH tries to make us believe that Jessica is still a virgin. SVH just isn't edgy or mature enough to compete. I read an excerpt of the first one and it was so bad, like an older person throwing in tons of name brands and cool lingo to make themselves sound hip, when really they're just overusing them.

Maybe my love for trashy 80's books and things I grew up with is clouding my judgment, but I have to give the new SVH a big thumbs down. What do you guys think?

Full House Stephanie Getting Even With The Flamingoes

2008-04-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

YAY! My favorite FH Stephanie book! This is pretty much the exact same story as Stacey's Secret Friend, except with more neon. Obviously, this one is better. Oh yeah, and the nerdy girl's not secretly from Paris.

I got a lot of weird looks at this new library while I was perusing the juvenile fiction with my car keys and cell phone in my hand. The things I do for you guys, I swear. At least this library has their juvenile section just out in the open, where I can pretend to just be wandering around, unlike my local library, which has their juvenile section in another room. No pretending there!

This book begins with Stephanie searching for her black leather clogs before school. Michelle has totally trashed their room with all her stuffed animals and shit, and Stephanie's pissed. She's even more pissed when that little troll clomps upstairs in her clogs. Beat her! Steph and Michelle fight about the huge ass mess in the room, and for once Stephanie doesn't back down and apologize when Michelle calls her mean. Go Steph! Of course, since they're fighting the entire household has to come and butt in. That was something that always pissed me off about Full House. Do the adults just listen outside doorways and wait for fights to happen? Let them fight it out, I say. The fight ends with Stephanie saying that Michelle takes all her stuff without asking and is a huge slob. She tells Danny they need to do something about their room, and he agrees to let them redecorate it. Stephanie's happiness is short lived when she realizes that she missed the bus and now has to run all the way to school. Why can't DJ or Danny drive her? Or Joey? DJ might need to leave for school, and Danny might need to leave for work, but Joey doesn't do shit except sit around and leech off of his best friend. Dumb!

So Steph is late for homeroom, and gets reprimanded by her teacher. Stupid Michelle. Steph, Allie, and Darcy go to social studies class together, and the teacher has a new girl to introduce to everyone. Her name is Wendy Gorell, and man, is she clueless. She is short and thin, so at least there's that. However, she's wearing a lime green and yellow plaid knee-length skirt, saddle shoes, a hot pink blouse, and pigtails with bright yellow bows in them. Ouch! She also seems to be unaware that she looks like a piece of rainbow shit, because she has a huge stupid grin on her face. The teacher has her sit next to Stephanie, natch. The class is doing a report on popular culture, and Steph, Allie, and Darcy are doing theirs on fashion photography. Hopefully they get to see that hot piece of ass Nigel Barker! Of course, since they have a cool subject and Stephanie really is interested in it, the teacher tells her to work with Wendy instead. Wendy says "golly" a lot and wants to do their report on dolls. Stephanie asks if they can do something a little cooler, but Wendy doesn't get it. She also calls Steph "Stephie." The teacher starts asking the groups to give their topics, and Wendy announces that they're reporting on dolls before Steph can do anything. The other kids make fun of them, and Steph is super embarrassed.

Steph thinks when class ends she can escape Wendy, but Wendy ends up being in every one of her morning classes. She also has a "digital calendar" that Steph thinks is super dorky. Tell that to all the Palm Pilot and Blackberry owners, Stephanie. Wendy's all proud that it has 12K of memory, and I laugh. Oh, 1995. Wendy annoys the shit out of Steph all day, but Steph decides to try to be nice to her because it must be hard to be the new kid. She gives Wendy a tour, and Wendy blathers on and on about her shortwave radio and says golly a lot. Stephanie manages to escape her and runs into the caf for lunch.

...Or so she thought. She gets to the table where she, Allie, and Darcy sit and discovers that Wendy has been following her the whole time. Stephanie hopes her crush Brandon Fallow doesn't notice. Wendy asks the girls if they'd like to come over after school and play electronic jacks. Are you fucking kidding me? How nerdy can they make the girl? Even Mallory's looking cooler than her, and that's saying something. Stephanie declines the offer, saying that her aunt is taking the girls to the mall after school and her car only has room for 3 people. Allie, sitting back down after getting a drink, says she thought Steph's aunt had a station wagon. Stupid Allie. Steph makes an excuse and then tries to make a hasty escape. Yet again, Wendy follows her. As Steph walks past the Flamingoes' table she hears Jenni Morris make fun of Wendy.

(The Flamingoes, in case you've never read FH Stephanie before, are pretty much the same thing as the Unicorns, except dumber and bitchier. Jenni Morris is their leader, and they always wear something pink, have pink matching charm bracelets, and paint their pinky nail pink. Steph tried to join them in the first book, but they ended up trying to trick her into giving them her dad's phone card so one member could call her out-of-state boyfriend. DJ saved her from doing it, of course. Since then they've hated her.)

When Steph and Wendy return to the table Darcy and Allie are talking about the photoshoot they're going on for their social studies project. Stephanie is sad that she's going to miss it. Darcy and Allie tell her to come along anyway, but Stephanie says she promised her dad that she and Michelle would clean their room that day. Fashion shoot > cleaning your room, dumbass. Wendy starts going on and on about their doll project and says Steph can come over to her place to research it and listen to her shortwave radio, and Stephanie says the project will be better if they split it up: she'll do modern dolls and Wendy will do old-fashioned ones. Wendy isn't convinced this is a good idea, but Stephanie ignores her and stares at Brandon Fallow. She says that he's the cutest boy in school. He starts coming towards her table, and Wendy stands up and accidentally spills chocolate milk all over his face. She stands there and laughs and then asks Stephanie if she still thinks he's the cutest boy in school. Ouch!

Stephanie hides in the bathroom with Darcy and Allie, too humiliated to face anyone. D and A try to reassure her that Brandon didn't hear stupid Wendy's tactless comment. Jenni Morris and the Flamingoes walk in, and Jenni calls Wendy a geek and says the geekiness must be contagious so Steph better keep Wendy away from the Flamingoes. Um, okay. Then she tells Steph that she thinks Brandon is cute, too, and just her type, and walks out. Stephanie is horrified, because the Flamingoes all have huge mouths and will tell everyone what Wendy said. They go to their next class, and Wendy is in it. This school must not be too big. Wendy has no idea that she embarrassed Steph, because she's a tactless dumbass. She's also a dumbass because when this teacher has her come up and say something about herself she says that she loves her shortwave radio, dolls, and putting bows in her male poodle's hair, and then grins stupidly. The class starts chanting "Weird Wendy" and Wendy stands there, looking confused. Why doesn't the teacher tell them to shut up? Stephanie feels bad for Wendy.

What the fuck is a shortwave radio?

Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie meet up at the local hangout, Tony's Pizzeria, after school. Steph sees Brandon and tries to hide. Just then, Wendy walks in...with her grandma. Steph can't believe that Wendy would bring her grandma to such a cool place. If she just moved there, how would she know that this was the cool hangout in town? And what's so geeky about bringing her grandma? I bet she'll pay. Jenni Morris tells Wendy that there's a no geeks allowed policy, so she'll have to leave, but her grandma can stay. If only her grandma was TG, she'd whip that bitch into shape! "Making fun of my granddaughter? Arsenic in your pizza!" Oh wait, that's Corinne.

A few days later, Steph, Darcy, and Allie are hanging out in front of school before the bell rings. Steph tells her friends that she's been looking at wallpaper swatches for something bold and bright for her room. Speaking of bold and bright, they see Wendy, who is wearing neon green and bright purple. Subtlety is not Wendy's forte. Jenni Morris stops her and asks if she's going to her party. Wendy asks when it is, and Jenni asks if she got the invitation. Wendy says no, and Jenni says no invitation, no party. Jenni has the lamest bitchy comments and tricks, seriously. I mean, how stupid and immature was that? Jenni's supposed to be 2 years older than them, btw.

Steph, Darcy, and Allie talk some more at lunch about the room redecoration. Stephanie is thinking about some shelves for all of Michelle's shit and Darcy suggests just getting rid of Michelle. Go Darcy! Wendy enters the caf, and continuity isn't a big thing in this book, because now she is wearing a bright purple jumper, neon orange turtleneck, and Power Ranger bows in her pigtails. The original Power Rangers was fucking sweet. I was totally a Kimberly/Tommy 'shipper. I was also in 4th-5th grade, not 7th. Wendy obviously didn't get the memo that Jenni's a dumb bitch, because she asks if she can sit with them. They tell her only Flamingoes can sit there, and Wendy asks what a Flamingo is. Jenni says it's the coolest club in school and that she's the HBIC, and offers a chair for Wendy. As Wendy goes to sit in it, she pulls the chair away and Wendy ends up on the floor. The Flamingoes all laugh, and Wendy runs for the door. Steph takes off after her. Jenni needs to go take some sabotage lessons from Jessica Wakefield, because I'm not impressed.

After school, Stephanie helps Becky unload the groceries and tells her about Wendy and the Flamingoes. Becky gives the worst advice ever, saying that Stephanie's a good person and will know what to do or some crap like that. Thanks for nothing, Becky! Steph heads up to her room to find out her troll of a little sister has lined up all of her 8 million stuffed animals on the floor. She throws them on Michelle's bed and starts to look at a decorating magazine for ideas. She sees a room with futons and bikes and skis hanging from ceiling hooks and loves it. Futons are generally uncomfortable, Steph. She remembers that she's supposed to be working on her doll report, and thinks of Wendy. Suddenly she gets a great idea about what to do for Wendy, makeover!

The next day before school Steph tells Darcy and Allie that they should give Wendy a makeover and be friends with her and then maybe kids won't think she's so weird. Stephanie, you also are not Cher Horowitz. Maybe when you refuse to lay down while held at gunpoint because you'll ruin your Alaia dress we can talk. Darcy and Allie are not cool with this idea, because Wendy sucks as a dresser and as a person. Wendy enters the school, and Jenni shoves her. Her backpack comes open and a bunch of electronic pieces fall out. Jenni kicks them across the hall. I guess she took my advice, damn! A teacher heard the whole thing, and gives Jenni a week of detention. Jenni is hella pissed, and tells Wendy she's dead meat. She goes off to think of more stupid pranks, like telling Wendy her shoes are untied when they're not.

In social studies, Steph smiles at Wendy. Wendy takes this to mean that they're BFF, because she passes Steph a note asking her to get together with her after school so they can work on their report and signs it "Your friend, Wendy Gorell." Stephanie thinks that this is why it's so hard to be around Wendy, because one kind action makes her think they're best friends. At lunch, Steph tells Wendy that she has some things she needs to talk about in private with Darcy and Allie, and asks if Wendy could sit somewhere else. Wendy says okay, and as she passes the Flamingoes, Jenni asks her if Gross and Horrible designed her clothes. The Pink Panther obviously designed Jenni's ensemble, so I don't think she should talk. Wendy sits down at a nearby table, and the Flamingoes start shooting spitballs at her. Gross! Does one almost blind the gym teacher? Snaps to you if you get the reference! Stephanie yanks Wendy out and talks to her. She tells her that as long as she's different, the Flamingoes will pick on her. The Flamingoes are all about conformity, what with their similar outfits and such. Stephanie tells Wendy she'll help her fit in.

Stephanie and Wendy go to the mall after school. Steph tells her they need to change her clothes and hair first. Wendy is surprised, because likes her clothes and thinks they're cute. Stephanie tells her the three phases of the Make Wendy Cool project: 1 - change clothes and hair, 2 - no more golly, 3 - music and movie stars. You forgot personality, Steph. They enter a store, and Wendy spots a lime green and purple jumpsuit with bows on the shoulders and loves it. Stacy and Clinton would pass out from that monstrosity. Stephanie picks out clothes, and Wendy gets faded loose fit jeans with deep pockets; red, black, and white oversized t-shirts; black clogs; black leggings; and a denim miniskirt. They move on to accessories, and Steph hands Wendy some scrunchies and tells her to lose the pigtails and the bows. Haha, scrunchies!

Stephanie and Wendy go to Steph's house after the mall so Steph can teach her some more stuff. Michelle the troll is in their room, being an idiot. She tells Steph she has some ideas for their room. She says she doesn't think that little pieces of wallpaper all over the walls looks good. Stephanie tells her those are just samples taped up to see how they'd look. Michelle says she wants wallpaper like her puppy and kitten posters. Then she says she has an idea for more space, and that is bunk desks. Did their mom smoke crack while she was pregnant with Michelle? Stephanie tells her there's no way they're having puppy and kitten wallpaper, bunk desks don't exist, and GTFO. Michelle says she'll leave if they promise to play with her later. I would've threatened to punch her unless she leaves, but Stephanie just agrees. Michelle leaves, and Steph turns her attention to Wendy. Wendy tries on clothes, and tucks her t-shirt into her leggings. Ugh. Steph corrects her, and gives her a black sweater vest and velvet choker to borrow to wear with the outfit. Sweater vests should be banned. Danny bursts in and tells Steph he has some ideas for the room. He wants pink walls, flowered curtains, and a toy chest. Okay, maybe if it was just Michelle living in the room. Steph tells him she was thinking more about striped wallpaper, futons, and shelves. Joey runs in and asks Danny if he remembers the leak in the bathroom. Danny ignores him and tells Steph that wallpaper is hear to clean and shelves will get dusty. Joey tells Danny he tried to fix the leak. DJ runs in and says that the bathroom is flooded. Joey's not even good for chores, why the hell is he still living there? They all run out, and Wendy says their house has a lot going on. Steph says they can call it a day and tells Wendy to wear one of her new outfits the next day. Wendy asks Steph what she'll be wearing, and she pulls out her denim miniskirt, black clogs, lavender t-shirt, and black and white checked headband. This can't be good.

And it's not good! Wendy shows up at Steph's house the next morning in the exact same outfit. Stephanie hurries up and changes. Good thing she didn't show up to school like that! At the bus stop Darcy and Allie compliment Wendy on her outfit. Wendy tells them Steph picked it out, and they get all snotty. What's up their butts?

That weekend, Stephanie has Wendy over so DJ can help her with her clothes, too. Darcy and Allie are due to come later so they can all go out for pizza. They come, and act all sarcastic and bitchy about Wendy's clothes again. Stephanie ignores them and continues teaching Wendy stuff, like the art of the headband poof. You guys know it, and I'm sure you rocked it, as I did. You put on your headband a little too far back and then push it forward into place, creating a poof of hair in front of the headband. So sexy. Darcy and Allie are still ho-like. Wendy says something stupid about hippity-hop music and golly, and Steph tells her to quit saying golly and that it's hip hop, not hippity hop. Darcy and Allie laugh at her, and then say they have to go. Steph asks what about their pizza plans, and they say that was over an hour ago and now they have to go home. Darcy and Allie are being so lame. Steph's pissed, and walks them to the door. D and A tell her that it sucks that Wendy dresses just like Steph and goes everywhere with her and that the makeover has gone overboard. Steph is hurt, and D and A leave without saying goodbye. Adios, bitches!

Stephanie returns to her room to find Danny in it with a measuring tape. He says he's measuring for bunk beds. Steph tells him that's not what she wants, but Danny doesn't listen. She and Wendy leave for the pizza place. Of course, the Flamingoes are there. Jenni says that Wendy is Steph's little obedient puppy, and Stephanie cracks. She tells Jenni that the Flamingoes are the puppy dogs, since they dress alike, act alike, and even wear the same color. Jenni is shocked, and Steph grabs Wendy and leaves. Watch out, Steph, Jenni might bookdrop you in the halls tomorrow or something equally stupid.

Stephanie is fearful and Wendy is crying as they're walking home. Of course, almost immediately Becky pulls up and offers them a ride. Not only do the adults hover by doorways, but they follow the girls around town in their cars. She gives some more crappy non-advice, and takes the girls to the mall. She and Wendy spend time nerding around the antique dolls at the toy store while Steph impatiently waits. They run into Danny, who is all excited about the pale pink paint he just bought for Stephanie and Troll's room. Steph tells him again that she would like striped wallpaper, but he just tells her to give the pink a chance.

The next afternoon at school, Wendy has big news for Steph. Bobby Zayles, a hot guy that hangs out with Brandon Fallow has left a note in her locker, asking her if she wants to go out for pizza. Wendy is excited, and Stephanie says they'll find out if the not is real after school at football practice, because Bobby's on the team. Who goes to watch junior high football practice? Lame! Before practice begins, Wendy heads on over to Bobby and tells him that she'd love to go out for pizza with him. He tells her he doesn't know what she's talking about, he has a girlfriend, and he doesn't even know who Wendy is. Oh noes!

Of course the Flamingoes set up the practical joke, and it must've taken all of them to think that one up, because they are pretty damn stupid. Who would think they are still cool? They're in ninth grade and they pick on little seventh graders. I'd love to see Jenni the next year at high school, when she's the youngest in the school and not the coolest any more. Of course, she probably doesn't have to worry about that just yet, because she's so dumb she has at least another 3 years of ninth grade ahead of her. Anyway, Wendy is understandably upset, and runs home. Steph comes after her. Wendy's mom answers the door and tells Steph Wendy is downstairs. Steph goes down and comforts her, and they start thinkng of stuff to do to Jenni. Wendy says they can glue the pages of her schoolbooks together, but Steph says Jenni probably doesn't use them anyway, haha. They come with an idea to let the other Flamingoes know that Jenni talks shit about them, using Wendy's AV Club skills and Stephanie's position on the school newspaper.

Stephanie comes home and sees her dad with tons of pink fabric and lace. He tells her he got bedspreads and curtains for the bedroom. Stephanie gets mad and tells him once again that she doesn't want pink. Danny is confused. Stephanie storms off and then Danny joins her, and they call a truce. I don't know what they'll do with the new bedspreads, though.

Wendy and Steph execute their plan, and it goes off perfectly. Stephanie pretends to be interviewing Jenni during lunch for an upcoming issue of the school newspaper. Wendy is in the background, recording the whole interview. Jenni of course starts talking trash about the other Flamingoes and saying that she's the prettiest one and they're all jealous of her and they would be nothing without her. She's so dumb. She leaves, and Wendy tells Steph she has a surprise for her. Turns out that instead of recording the interview, Wendy aired the entire thing live over the loudspeaker so the entire cafeteria could hear it. Go Wendy! This is much better revenge than throwing food on someone. I'm looking at you, BSC.

Wendy and Stephanie go into the caf, and the other Flamingoes are yelling at Jenni. Jenni turns on Steph and Wendy, and Wendy says that they aired the entire interview, but how could they know Jenni would say such nasty things? All the other kids congratulate Wendy, which is puzzling to me. They make fun of her to go along with Jenni, and then befriend her to go against Jenni? What? Darcy and Allie congratulate Wendy, and she says golly. Stephanie asks her what she said about that word, and Wendy yells at Steph, tells her to quit running her life, and leaves. Stephanie is in shock, because she doesn't know how Wendy can be so ungrateful. Darcy and Allie say that maybe Wendy is right, and Stephanie gets pissed and leaves.

Stephanie and Danny have a talk at home after school about how he was trying to run her life and take over the room decorating without giving her any say in it. To be fair, Stephanie wasn't giving Michelle any say in it either, but then again, she suggested bunk desks, so I can't say I blame her there. Danny looks at the picture of the room Stephanie likes, and agrees that it is nice. He tells her that if Troll agrees to it then they can go for it.

Now it's the morning that Stephanie's doll report is due. She brings 3 of Michelle's dolls to school with her in a bag. She had to promise all sorts of shit to get them. I'd just take them, it's not like Michelle would notice if three of her millions of dolls were gone while she was at school for the day. These people let that troll run their lives too much. Stephanie sees Wendy at school and apaologizes to her. Wendy accepts her apology and introduces her to some AV Club members. They not only want Wendy to join, they want to make her president! Steph is happy for Wendy and tells her that she's totally unprepared for their report. Wendy says she has it all under control.

Report time! Stephanie looks like a damn fool with her three shitty dolls and totally wings it, and Wendy brings out some beautiful handmade antique dolls and gives the history on them, and tells that the women in her family have passed down their knowledge on how to make dolls for a long time. She then shows the class some doll clothes she recently designed and made, and they are beautiful. The class is impressed with Wendy's talent. The teacher gives them an A. I think only Wendy should get the A, because Stephanie was clearly unprepared and sucked ass. Plus, don't they need a paper and research to go along with their presentation? This class is way easy.

At lunch Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie talk and Stephanie says that Wendy is actually pretty cool, and Steph apologizes to them. They all make up, and I think Darcy and Allie should be apologizing for being little snots, but they don't.

At home, Danny tells Stephanie that DJ wants the pink paint for her room, and that they can go shopping for the stuff Steph wants for the room. This is the last we ever hear of it, that I know of, and I kind of wish we had seen what the room looked like in the show. Oh well!

Look at the size of that cordless phone! Remember when that shit was high tech? The phone and the scrunchie both seriously date this photo. Speaking of the fashion, I totally had a few different versions of Stephanie's earrings (they're silver stick figures, in case you can't see). Jodie Sweetin has a little hint of a snaggletooth, but I still can't figure out if it's that or something else that makes her smile so weird looking in this picture. How rude!

Speaking of Jodie Sweetin, let's all congratulate her on giving birth to a girl on Saturday! Go Jodie, you're way cooler than the Olsen twins any day!

Discard shelf FTW!

2008-04-10T15:26:00.003-05:00

My dad made me sit down and actually do my taxes today. He says I'm way late, but I say I'm 5 days early. Oh well. Anyway, I had to run to the library because we didn't have an instruction book for my state one. They ended up being out of them, so I hit up the discard shelf on my way out. They had a few SVH books, but they were all the later miniseries ones where you needed all the books or really boring ones that I didn't want. But, I did find about 5 or 6 first edition V.C. Andrews books, including 2 I didn't already have (I'm restraining myself from picking up every first edition book that I see, since I discovered that I have 3 copies of Secrets in the Morning, among others)! Score!

So I went to the library in the town where I went to high school in. It's big and new and beautiful, and I ran up to the juvenile fiction and happily discovered that unlike my crappy local library, they keep all of their old books. This means tons of BSC, Gymnasts, a few Girl Talk, and my favorite FH Stephanie book that I've been looking everywhere for. Sadly, I only saw one California Diaries book and no Friends Forever. The YA section was quite disappointing, but between the two libraries, I should be able to deal. I only hope the big one is in the same system as the crappy one is so that my card will be accepted!

I think the only reason I'm writing this is because I don't want to study for my test tonight. I'm still holding out the hope that there will be a water or gas leak, or that the rain will be so bad that school will be cancelled. Here's hoping!

Still love it!

2008-04-09T10:51:00.004-05:00

Do you guys remember the show Ready Or Not? It was Canadian (Canadians get the best teen dramas ever!), but they used to show edited episodes on the Disney Channel in the U.S. mid 90's or so. My crappy cable company had Disney Channel as a pay channel, but my friend had it, so we watched it all the time together. I loved it so much, and I remember the first episode I saw was when Amanda found out her parents were getting divorced and she ran away to the mall. The mall would totes be the coolest place to live, and I always think of her when I see the beds in department stores.

YouTube has some episodes, so I'll put the awesome eating disorder one up for you. P.S. You can download the entire series in BitTorrent. I love Amanda in the early ones, but she gets too selfish and boy crazy for me in the later ones. Busy is totally Randy, except for some reason I love her. My mind works in mysterious ways!

EDIT: Crap, the user made it so the videos aren't able to be embedded!

Here's Part 1:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zaglEl9jFhw&feature=PlayList&p=7805BB7999B2087F&index=0

Part 2:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nY17WC7PWos&feature=PlayList&p=7805BB7999B2087F&index=1

Part 3:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=SvvvHj0n2T4&feature=PlayList&p=7805BB7999B2087F&index=2

This user has uploaded a bunch more episodes, too. Enjoy!

Girl Talk #12 Drummer Girl

2008-04-08T10:57:00.004-05:00

This has got to be one of the best Girl Talk books, not because it's actually good, but because it's so easy to make fun of. I laugh so hard every time I read it, seriously. Even the author knows that Randy is really a man, because the insinuations are numerous.

Randy really isn't my favorite character, but I don't hate her as much as Allison. She just has a lot of things about her that I find annoying, and seems too much of a stereotype of a non-conformist badass. Except she's not a badass. I don't know, you'll get it more as the book goes on.

The book opens with Randy's Italian teacher yelling at her for drumming in class. Randy's all pissed about it, but come on. Banging the desk with pencils during class would be annoying as shit. I get it that Randy's a musician and all, but if a member of the band pulled out their trumpet and started randomly blaring it in class it would be super annoying. Funny at times, I'm sure, but still annoying. So Randy - STFU.

Anyway, Randy decided to take Italian class because she used to see Italian films with her video and music director dad and because she likes Italian food. I've seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding a million times and love gyros, but I'm not about to learn Greek. Randy's dumb. The author agrees, because as soon as Randy leaves class she meets up with Sabrina. Yay! I find that I love Sabrina even more in books not about her, because she totally saves the book. Sabrina is all excited about the upcoming Battle of the Bands, which gets Randy thinking about what it would be like. She and Sabrina leave for their separate classes, and Randy spends all of Miss Munson's class daydreaming about the Battle of the Bands, hereby known as BotB. Her old school in New York never had one, so it can't be that cool. Another thing that pisses me off about Randy: she always talks about how New York is so much better than Acorn Falls. Go live with your dad then, ho!

Oh crap. Randy meets Allison in the hallway after class. Katie's there too, and they start talking about the BotB. Katie asks Allison if she's going to go, and Allison says she doesn't know because she may have to be spending that night reliving the time when she read over 100 books during the summer. Okay, she really said she just hadn't thought about it, I lied. I think my dialogue for Allison is better than what she really says, though. Randy tells her she can't sit at home and be lame, so Katie decides that they're all going. Sabrina the Fabulous joins them then and is super happy to find out that they're going. She asks Randy is her friend Spike's band is going to play. Randy doesn't know. Spike was one of the first people that Randy met when she moved to Acorn Falls, and she says his band is surprisingly good. Why surprisingly? Because they're in Acorn Falls, that's why. Good bands can only come from major cities, didn't you know? That's why Violet had to move to New York from New Jersey in Coyote Ugly. She knew that any songs written in New Jersey would not be accepted.

End sarcasm. Randy says there's only one other decent band in Acorn Falls besides Spike's band, and that's a band called Iron Wombat. If you are in a band, please name it that. I'd love you forever. Randy wonders if the BotB will be any good.

Randy is at home after school preparing to leave for the supermarket when her mom, M, calls after her and asks her to get more newspapers. Yes, she calls her mom M and her dad D. I call Randy L for LAME! M is an artist and she's in a papier mache phase right now. Is she building a jaguar? Can Tess help? They live in a converted barn that actually sounds pretty cool. I'd rather live in an old warehouse like my ho Alex Owens and run in place to "Maniac," though.

Randy skateboards to the grocery store, which is just so dumb. Who takes their skateboard there when they're going to be returning with bags of groceries? Stupid Randy. She sees Sabrina and her dad in the produce section. Sabrina is on a new diet, where she only eats kiwis and mangoes for 10 days. Fun? I'd rather have a cheeseburger diet. Sabrina is horrified to hear that Randy has gone grocery shopping while she's hungry, but Randy doesn't see the big deal until she almost buys a frozen pizza. Oh, the horrors! M doesn't like them to eat anything that isn't healthy. Pizza can be healthy! Sabrina's dad meets her at the checkout and asks if she wants a ride home. Randy declines because she wants to skateboard while it's still clear out. Dummy. As they are all exiting the store, Sabrina sees an ad for a guy named Troy Tanner, who is looking for a drummer for his band. Troy is the lead guitarist and singer for Iron Wombat! Sabrina makes Randy take one of the slips with his number on it, even though Randy says she's not into groups and clubs and stuff. Stop being a loner, Randy. She skateboards home and thinks about Iron Wombat. Their music is awesome, but their lyrics are awful. She decides that she would rather play drums by herself.

Randy gets home, and M tells her that her friend from New York, Sheck, called. Randy calls him back and tells him about the BotB and Iron Wombat. He convinces her togive Iron Wombat a chance and at least audition. She relents, and decides to call Troy Tanner after dinner. Sheck totally wants Randy, btw, you can so tell. Anyone who has read all of these books, do they get together later on? If not, then they need to. Well, if Randy was a girl, that is.

M drives Randy after school the next day to Troy Tanner's place for her audition. Troy answers the door, and is shocked to see that Randy is a girl. Well, at least dressed like one. He assumed she was a man because or her name and because she has a really deep voice. I totally choked I was laughing so hard after I read that. Troy doesn't want a girl in his band, but the other members convince him to let Randy at least audition. Don't worry, Troy, Randy's not really a girl. Troy's also 14 and insists on calling Randy "kid" even though she's just 2 years younger. Shut up, Troy. Randy kicks ass on her drums and impresses everyone, and is asked to join the band.

Sabrina has tons of questions next day at lunch about Troy. She thinks he's hot. Randy tells them about what a pain in the ass he is and crushes her dreams. Sabrina then asks what a wombat is, and of course Allison knows because she read over 100 books the past summer. She also knows how to properly eat a mango, which Sabrina did not. In fact, the only thing she doesn't know is how to be interesting.

Band practice. Troy bitches because Randy makes little changes to the drumming parts of their songs as she goes along. The other two members, Alton and Jim, tell him to lay off because she sounds better than their last drummer did. Troy says it's his band. Shut up, Troy. He also likes to flip his hair around a lot. What a girl. Randy gets him off his high horse by telling him that his lyrics suck, and he freaks out. The quiet band member, Jim, speaks up and says he agrees with Randy. Randy took a songwriting class back in New York, so Alton says that Troy can write the music and Randy can write the lyrics for their new song. Troy is pissed, and acts like an asshole for the rest of practice.

Troy calls Randy a week or so later and says he finished the music. He offers to come over to play it for her so she can hear it before she writes the lyrics. She's pissed because he took so long that she'll only have a few days to write the lyrics and then only a week for them to learn it before the BotB. Troy comes over and actually doesn't act like a jerk and he and Randy talk a bit. He brought his guitar over and he plays the song for Randy. She studies him while he's playing, and if she were truly female I'd think she might be getting a crush on him. She tells him the song was awesome, and he says she got him so mad the other day that he wanted to write something that would blow her away. She thinks about this as they join M for a dinner of Chinese food. M thinks pizza is junk food but eats Chinese takeout? I don't think fried wontons are exactly healthy. Delicious, yes, but healthy, not so much.

Randy writes the song and Iron Wombat practices like crazy. She's coming home one day and she runs right into Sheck. Sweet! I like Sheck, even if he has an unfortunate name. He says he couldn't miss her performance at the BotB. Sheck totally wants to get into Randy's pants, but I have a feeling he won't like what's in there. There's a little bit of Randy's thoughts that kind of make it seem like she may want him, too. They go to the video store to get a horror film while M makes them pizza. Yes, that's right, she's making them pizza. I think M may be crazy. Possibly because she gave birth to Randy.

The next morning M starts telling Randy how proud she is of her for writing the song and being creative and shit. Sheck wakes up and asks Randy if anyone is working her sound boards. Randy says no one, and Sheck volunteers to do it. They go off to Troy's for band practice. Alton and Jim are cool with Sheck, but Troy starts acting all possessive and shit. Randy's HIS man, Sheck! He tells Sheck he can't work the board and that they're having a closed practice so he needs to GTFO. Randy gets understandably pissed, tells Troy she quits, and leaves.

Telephone Talk: Randy tells the girls what happened at practice, and both Alton and Jim call her and convince her to come back.

The night of the BotB, Sheck starts cooking Thai food for Randy. Is Thai food good? I've never had it, but I'd like to try it sometime. Randy's all nervous and hyper, so Sheck puts on a tape for her and she drums along with it. The girls come ovr with some surprises for Randy. They made posters that say "Iron Wombat is #1!" and used a silk screening kit to put "Iron Wombat" on the back of jean jackets for Randy and themselves. Sheck tells them the food is done, and Katie is shocked to see that there are chopsticks instead of silverware. Sabrina knows how to use them, though, because she learned after she had heard that famous actresses use them, so she teaches Katie and Allison. They all eat, and it sounds pretty good, but maybe I'm just hungry. M surprises Randy with a chocolate cake for dessert. Chocolate cake is definitely healthy. The thought of it is also making my tummy growl. Randy hurries up and eats, because she has to get ready and leave soon. Sabrina's brother comes and picks up the girls and they leave.

BotB! Randy thinks Sheck is looking mighty fine, but not as sexy as herself. She's wearing a black sleeveless minidress, black and white tie-dyed tights, and black oxford shoes. Not hot. Troy asks to speak to Randy alone backstage, and apologizes to her for being a dick. Then he asks her out. She's shocked, and says she'll think about it. Ouch. Sheck comes over to her afterwards and asks if he asked her out. She says yes, and he gets all sad. She says she doesn't know if she'll go, because dating (guys) is not really for her. Sheck is happy, until Randy says she still might go. Then he's sad again. Poor Sheck. Iron Wombat takes the stage, and kicks ass. Randy is proud, and says it doesn't matter if they win or lose the BotB. I guess it really doesn't, because we never find out if they do or not since the book ends there.

Randy's spiky mullet looks especially bad on this cover, and she also looks especially manly. Katie's face looks kind of weird, Sabrina looks sexy as always, and Allison actually looks kind of hot. I love how Katie's making the jackets, Allison's making the posters, and Sabrina's just sitting there talking on the phone. That's my ho!

If any of you guys have any (non-personal) blogs you'd like me to link on my page, just leave a comment with a link and I'll put it up...IF YOU'RE LUCKY! No, seriously, I'll do it.

WHAT

2008-04-07T18:18:00.001-05:00

This is probably more disgusting than any V.C. Andrews book I have ever read, for reals.

http://jezebel.com/376975/incest-its-just-what-normal-intellectual-couples-do

BSC #111 Stacey's Secret Friend

2008-04-07T10:19:00.003-05:00

I found this book on the library's discard shelf a few years ago, and after reading it I'm glad I picked it up. It's so awful and bitchy that it is amazing. Also amazing: MTV showing reruns of America's Next Top Model during the morning and afternoon. I've been watching old seasons all last week in between studying and piles of homework. Loves!

Anyway, on to BSC. I missed a lot of the books from #60 up to this point, so it's really shocking going from semi-believability to complete and utter ridiculousness. Stacey's on the pep squad now, and she and another member, Barbara, are working on a life size papier mache jaguar (their mascot), built by who else but Claudia. Claudia is obvs the only artist allowed in SMS. In fact, I'm surprised Stacey and Barbara are even allowed to touch this thing. Anyway, they put the finishing touches on the jaguar when some klutzy girl walks right into it and accidentally puts a hole in it. Stacey and Barbara are totes upset, and so is the girl, who offers to help them fix it. I say, what's the BFD since only the papier mache part was damaged, not the actualy structure that Claudia built for it. Can't it just be patched up really easily? Do I just need to take Papier Mache 101? That must be it.

Anyway, the girl is new at school. Stacey describes her as tall with big bones and broad shoulders. She emphasizes that she is not fat, just has a large frame. There can only be one fat person in Stoneybrook, and his name is Norman Hill. I love that ho, btw. This girl also has short light blonde hair, lightly blue eyes, a slightly upturned nose, and a wide mouth, but wears black emo glasses so she will never be pretty. I take offense to this insinuation because I'm stuck with my own black emo glasses instead of contacts right now because I'm getting eye surgery and I can't wear contacts for at least 3 weeks before the surgery. So suck it, Stacey. Stacey says the girl is wearing a white blouse with a lace-trimmed Peter Pan collar, a short pale pink cardigan, loose fitting brown corduroys, and black boots. Aside from wearing black shoes with brown pants, which is one of my pet peeves, I don't think it's so bad of an ensemble. Stacey, however, thinks that the girl must've been cleaning her emo glasses while she got dressed. Ass. The girl introduces herself as Tess Swinhart, and they make plans for her to help rebuild the jaguar, which I guess lost its head and leg (though they were still intact) along with the hole. Two words: duct tape. As they leave, Tess accidentally bumps into Alan Gray and gets wet papier mache on him. Stacey says that she hopes the accident won't come back to haunt Tess, which of course means that it will.

Chapter 2 is filled with the same useless shit as it always is, except we learn that no one really knows Tess and she talks weird. Oh, and Nicky Pike has been calling Jackie Rodowsky tons and whispering on the phone to him. If that isn't totally gay, I don't know what is. The girls decide to find out what the deal is with Nicky and Jackie, which gives us our boring ass subplot.

Tess says hi to Stacey before school the next day and says she'll see her this afternoon to help rebuild the jaguar. Perfectly nice and sweet. Stacey, however, is too busy hating on Tess's outfit to appreciate the fact that a total stranger who accidentally bumped into a huge fragile jaguar that she herself left out in the middle of the hallway is willing to help her out. Tess is wearing "a hot pink sweat outfit with frilly lace around the collar and sleeves." Okay, maybe I'll let Stacey pass a little judgment on this one, because the hell? Seems very grandma to me. Alan asks Stacey if Tess was going to make it up to him for accidentally getting papier mache on him. Answer: no. He decides to call Tess Swine-heart the Destroyer. Like, haha. Not. Stacey tries not to laugh, but thinks to herself that Tess is a total hog because of her upturned nose, large frame, and pink outfit. Stacey is such a bitch in this book, which is pretty much the reason I chose it.

Alan is popular or something I guess now, because everyone starts calling Tess Swine-heart the Destroyer. Cokie passes Stacey a note in class that has a baby pig drawn on it and says "Swine-heart, The Pigpen years." Stacey writes that it's not funny and passes it back to Cokie, who makes a face at her. Word, Cokie. Stacey can make fun of Tess to herself and tell the BSC members how weird she is, but then look down on other people for doing it? Hypocrite much? The note gets passed all around class even though it's way stupid.

Tess gets transferred to Stacey's English class, because she was accidentally put into remedial English before. Of course their teacher chooses that day to assign a group project, and of course Tess asks Stacey if she wants to be partners. Stacey is all bitchily hesitant about it, but reluctantly agrees. Tess says they can build a castle for their project and smiles, and Stacey notices she has a gap between her two front teeth. Jesus, can anything on this poor girl escape scrutiny? Stacey agrees to do a castle, even though she thinks Tess will just sit on it and ruin it or something, and Tess says is excited, saying that she adores the Middle Ages. Stacey is all weirded out, because adoring the Middle Ages clearly is not normal. Stacey, you love to do math problems, so eat it. Someone oinks at Tess as she walks out of the room. SMS just breeds assholes, I guess.

Stacey sees some guy named Clarence King (who everyone calls King) talking to Tess, and is wary. See, King made fun of Logan for being a BSC member. I totally would, too, so Team King! Stacey gets closer and hears King repeatedly calling Tess Babe. I know we're supposed to pick up on the pig reference, but all I can think of is Laine's 15 year old bf who was also named King and called her Babe. Is this the same guy? Tess tells Stacey that King seemed pretty nice, and Stacey is all Debbie Downer about him. Tess concludes it's because it's not politically correct to call women Babe. Stacey tells her to tell King that, and marvels at the fact that Tess missed the joke, and all of the rest of the school's pig jokes. They go meet Barbara in the caf to work on the jaguar.

Tess brought wire mesh to put over the jaguar's frame to help stabilize the papier mache. Stacey is surprised at the great idea, because even Claudia didn't think of that. Claudia's my ho and all, but she's not exactly known for being smart. Just sayin'. Also, are they taking the whole jaguar apart? It seems like as the book goes on the thing becomes more destroyed. I don't get it. Stacey asks Tess what it was like at her old school, and Tess says that it was great and she and her friends were always doing something wacky and fun. Stacey listens and feels bad for Tess. Then she thinks of a great idea! She can give Tess a few fashion tips! Hear that? That was the sound of my palm smacking my forehead. Stacey, Cher Horowitz you are not. Butt out. Stacey decides to drop some not too subtle hints that Tess is a hot mess. She asks Barbara if she knows her friend Mallory. Barbara replies that Mallory is "that cute sixth-grade girl with the curly hair and glasses." Cute? I guess Barbara doesn't know Mallory after all. Stacey ignores this and says that Mallory wants contacts and wants to know if Barbara knows any places around Stoneybrook to get some. Barbara tells her, and Stacey looks at Tess to see if she is listening. Tess is fixing the jaguar, and doesn't get the hint. I wouldn't either, personally. Oh, and shut up, Stacey.

The next morning Stacey sees "Hi Petunia" written on Tess's locker. Tess doesn't get it, and thinks maybe a note for someone named Petunia was accidentally written there. She is wearing a bright pink, yellow, and red plaid pantsuit, and notices Stacey looking at and tells her it was her mother's and asks if she likes it. Stacey, not wanting to be a hypocrite (the book actually says that), replies that the style is a little hard to get used to. Tess says that's why she likes it so much, and asks Stacey if she would like to come over to her house after school tomorrow to work on their project. Stacey reluctantly agrees, and then has another great idea! She asks Tess if she'd like to come to her house instead so she can secretly give her a makeover. Poor unknowing Tess agrees. I can't believe that Stacey is having such a fit over a plaid pantsuit with half the shit her own BFF Claudia wears. Not to mention herself. I seem to remember lace fingerless gloves and jumpsuits, ho. Just because this time of going through eighth grade is 1997 doesn't mean you can forget the times during the 80's and early 90's.

Claudia babysits the Rodowskys. I count 9 spelling errors in the 5 sentences of her notebook entry, not including the misspelling of the day of the week. Oddly enough, she uses the right form of "to." I don't get it. Mrs. Rodowsky got a cell phone, because the BSC is always hip to the times, and is pissed that it's in Jackie's backpack. He must've had a hurt back from lugging that thing around, remember how huge they were? Far cry from my little pink Razr now. Jackie's acting all dumb and pussy-ish, and Nicky Pike shows up to the door trying to be a badass but really bring a tool and tries to teach Jackie invisibility. Claudia doesn't know what the hell is going on, and I just don't care.

Stacey's house! Basically Tess tries to talk to Stacey about the project and Stacey brushes her off and tries to give subtle hints about her being a hot mess like the stupid contact hint. She finally gets Tess to agree to a makeover, and busies herself putting makeup on her and giving helpful tips about clothing and hair. Tess is not impressed. Stacey is shocked to learn that Tess has contacts but she just doesn't feel like wearing them. Lay off the glasses, Stacey! Stacey also decides that an outside makeover isn't enough, and tells Tess she should join the Pep Squad. Tess isn't too keen on the idea, but Stacey doesn't give up. Stacey, unless you donate your skis and cans of caviar to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief and sort bongs into kitchenware, you aren't doing a good job at making over the soul (yes, Clueless just happens to be my all time favorite movie).

Stacey is pissed the next day in the caf that Tess isn't wearing any makeup, and is horrified by her outfit of pink overalls, a pink and green flowered long sleeve satin shirt (I totally had one in lavender around the same year) and a small bright pink plastic little kid's barrette in her hair. Honestly, I bet if I looked at my issues of YM or Seventeen from around this year they'd have the same shit in it. Maybe Stacey's the one that dresses unfashionably. Ooh, I went there! Mary Anne says she thought the outfit was kind of cute, but Kristy hurries up and squelches any sign of individuality before she thinks about cutting her hair and buying new clothes again by rolling her eyes and asking if she's being serious. The rest of the girls wonder why Tess doesn't seem to understand all the pig jokes people are making to her face. Would you rather have her know what the insults mean and be hurt by them?

The next day, Stacey sees King talking to Tess again. She confronts Tess about it, and Tess is visibly annoyed. Tess thinks King is a nice guy, and since Stacey refuses to tell her about what other people are saying about her, she doesn't get what's up Stacey's ass. At the Pep Squad meeting, some of the other members decide they want to change the mascot. They can just do that? Don't they need schoolboard approval and stuff? Dumb people suggest dumb things, like aardvarks, and Stacey's all pissed off because they spent all that time making that jaguar. Tess just doesn't care, because Pep Squad is hella dumb. They write their ideas down on slips of paper and Barbara tallies them up to see what they can have the school vote on at the next assembly. A bunch of people write "Tess" or "Swinehart the Destroyer" or "pig," and Stacey wonders who. She thinks it must have been either Cokie and her friends, or some guys who are friends with King. Isn't Pep Squad like cheerleading? What are guys doing there? I bet they know what Nicky and Jackie are up to. Tess is just so over the whole Pep Squad thing, and is mega bored the whole time.

Stacey introduces Tess to Claudia after the meeting and blathers on and on about how Tess should smile more. Tess is all like, "Bitch is crazy." Stacey and Claudia leave and Claudia tells Stacey she went way overboard on the smile thing and asks her why. Stacey says it's because Tess sucks and she's just trying to make her look better so that people will like her. Stacey is so shallow.

Mallory and Jessi babysit the Pikes. Nicky dresses like a member of the cast of the movie Roadhouse, complete with fake muscles and slicked back hair, and I nearly die laughing. He gets a phone call from his lover Jackie and takes off. Vanessa says horrible and unnecessary rhymes. Jessi, Mallory, and the other kids follow Nicky to Stoneybrook Elementary and observe him acting like a member of the Secret Service for Jackie. Surprisingly, Mallory and Jessi still don't know what's going on between them. Isn't it fucking obvious? Jackie was being bullied and Nicky is acting as his bodyguard. Sorry, I spoiled it for you. Did you honestly care, though?

At SMS, Tess is wearing a blue shirt and frosted pink lipstick and Stacey nearly shits herself in delight. Tess tells Stacey someone oinked at her and she thought it might've been because she was wearing pink, so she tried to wear blue. She says that this school is so confusing on what's considered cool or not, and asks Stacey if pink is cool. Stacey says it might not be her best color, and Tess says she loves it anyway and likes the way she looks in it. Stacey goes overboard with the praise and tells Tess how great her eyes look when she wears blue and Tess says it's probably because she has mascara on, which is making her eyes itch and her lashes sticky. King walks by and Stacey notices that Tess looks interested in him. She starts being all dumb about him again and Tess asks her if she likes King and if that's why she's always such a ho about him. Stacey freaks out and says no way. He's probably the only guy in the school she's not interested in.

After school Barbara and Stacey are getting ready to work on the jaguar again. They decide to vote for the new mascot at halftime of the next home game by holding up posters of the choices and having kids write the number of their choice on ballots. Dumb! Also, why are they still working on the jaguar if they're probably not going to have it as a mascot any more? Tess comes in and says that King asked her out on a date. Barbara asks where they are going and she says there's a new restaurant opening in the mall called Hog Heaven. The chapter ends with that supposedly shocking revelation. I'm not impressed.

Football game at another school. Uneventful. Apparently Pep Squad is different from cheerleading because Stacey mentions something about them. She's pissed that Tess is just sitting on the bleachers reading a magazine. Hey Stacey, maybe Tess doesn't like football or Pep Squad or YOU! Lay off, ho. Oh, and apparently the jaguar was finished because a bunch of Pep Squaders held it up at the game. That is so lame words cannot even express it.

At school Stacey asks Tess to come over to her place to work on their project. Tess is all suspicious and Stacey has no idea why. Um, maybe because last time you asked her over to work you ended up painting her face and basically telling her all her clothes and stuff sucked? I wouldn't want to hang out with you, either! Tess finally agrees. Stacey has no idea what to do for the castle, so she asks Claudia. I know, I know. Claudia says maybe she can glue pebbles to the outside walls to make it look like stone. Stacey tries to do that after school, but the glue won't hold the pebbles. Hahahaha! Tess comes over and pulls out styrofoam that she cut and painted to look like stone. Much better! Tess is a way better artist than Claudia. They work on some more walls, and Stacey sucks at doing it. Doing it meaning the walls, haha. She has to go to a BSC meeting, and Tess asks her some questions about the club. Stacey says that the club is great but they're not taking any new members. Tess is insulted and says she wasn't asking to join. Stacey starts rambling on and on about other clubs Tess could join, and Tess is all just like whatevs, ho. They leave.

The next day at school Tess is wearing an outfit that sounds pretty cute to me but is horrifying to Stacey. She has on a pink shirt with puffy sleeves and a short black skirt. I have a thing for puffed sleeves. Tess's outfit totally beats whatever crap Stacey is wearing. You know what else Tess wins at? Producing insulin. Sick burn! Someone passes Stacey a comic book that the students have been compiling about Tess, and she throws it out. What a self-righteous hypocritical bitch. Stacey's like Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield all rolled up into one in this book, and it's not good. She looks at the Pep Squad posters for the mascot contest, and Barbara tells her all the really good sketches were done by Tess. Uh oh, they didn't ask Claudia? It's the end of the world!

At the football game, it's time to vote for the mascot. Barbara yells out the choices and Stacey hold up the poster for them. When she gets to pig she's horrified to discover that someone replaced the drawing of a pig with a big picture of Tess. The kids all starts screaming "Swine-heart the Destroyer" and throwing hot dogs at Tess. They better watch out at their prom is all I'm saying. Tess stands up on the bleachers to avoid the hot dogs and falls backwards. The ambulance has to come because it's pretty certain that she has broken her ankle and her wrist. Yikes. Stacey tries to get in the ambulance and says she's her friend. Tess tells her to GTFO and that she's not her friend, and the ambulance leaves. Go Tess!

Turns out Tess's ankle is broken and her wrist is just sprained. Still awful, though. Cokie feels no remorse and Stacey yells at her. Stacey basically acts like a guilty bitch all day and doesn't know why she feels so guilty. Tess doesn't show up at school for the rest of the week. Stacey thinks about calling her to see if she's okay, but doesn't because Tess said she's not her friend. Stacey sucks. When Tess finally comes back to school she's mean and sarcastic to Stacey and reiterates that she wants her to leave her alone. She's talking to Barbara, though, and Stacey is pissed. She obviously doesn't know what "leave me alone" means, because she goes over to Tess's house after school.

Tess's mom is a MILF and her bedroom is kickass, all decorated with posters and mobiles of French art from a French museum that Tess says her art class visited. Stacey puts two and two together and asks if Tess is from France. Tess says yes, she moved from Paris because her mom is a diplomat there or something. Stacey is impressed because Paris is EVEN MORE sophisticated than New York City! She thinks and realizes that Tess didn't get all the Petunia and Babe jokes because she didn't grow up in the U.S. She also picks up a photo album and sees that it's filled with girls dressed just like Tess in outfits that she considered to be awful. Since Paris is pretty much known for fashion, I'd say their opinion wins over Stacey's. Stacey realizes the same thing. Tess asks why she's there and Stacey tries to explain how she feels bad and how she was trying to protect Tess from all the teasing. Tess says she hasn't even bothered to get to know her, seeing as she just now discovered she's from Paris, and tells her to GTFO because she doesn't need her pity. Go Tess again!

Abby babysits the Rodowskys and finds out exactly what I told you before: Jackie was being bullied, so he hired Nicky Pike as his bodyguard. He took his mother's cell phone with him so he could call Nicky for help at any time. Oh, and the bullies were going to beat up Jackie because he had a jacket like someone else and they thought he stole it, but they laid off when Jackie described the stadium of the basketball game he got the jacket at. So lame.

Is this book over yet? I'm sick of it, guys.

Tess still won't talk to Stacey, and can you blame her? Stacey still has to butt in everything, so she and the BSC hatch a plan for Tess's date that weekend at Hog Heaven, since Stacey is still convinced that it's a joke. She lets Tess in on it, and she says she suspected the same since King didn't call after she got hurt. Their plan is dumb, by the way. King and Tess get to the restaurant, and Claudia dumps ketchup on him, Stacey wipes it off of him with a paint soaked rag, and Tess sprays him with whipped cream. Abby takes a picture and Kristy tells him that unless he leaves Tess and the BSC alone the picture will be in the next issue of the school paper. Claudia says she writes for the paper, and I laugh my head off. When did this happen, because I don't believe it. King agrees, and the girls all go off and have ice cream, except for Stacey, who is diabetic. I know, I totally forgot! I went back and read Chapter 2 and found out that Jessi was black, too! Learn something new every day, I guess. Tess goes off afterwards to hang out with Barbara, who she's really becoming close to, and Stacey and Claudia share a meaningful look that is totally gay. Abby and Kristy get turned on from it.

I took the cover from the BSC Cover Art Gallery linked on the right because I'm too lazy to scan my own copy. Tess doesn't look so bad, just her glasses are a little dorky. Stacey needs to quit worrying about Tess's outfits and figure out who stole her neck and made her head so huge.

I didn't abandon you, I swear!

2008-04-02T12:54:00.005-05:00

I know, I know. I've been a lazy ass ho. Spring Break came and provided me with much needed sleep, and my teachers are all cruel so they made the week after Spring Break the time for all the tests, papers, quizzes, and big homework assignments. Blame them for no posts, not me! Plus two of my cousins are getting married soon (not to each other, my last name isn't Dollanganger. Or Foxworth. Or Cutler. Or Tatterton. Or Tate. Or...well, you get the picture.) so I've had wedding showers and crap to go to, and I really need/want a new pair of shoes to go with my dress, and oh yeah, I'm going to be an aunt! I'll have a little nephew in August to read SVH and BSC to at bedtime. Best aunt ever!

Since I feel obligated to do something, I'll make a new poll! Cathy took 42% of your votes in March's biggest ho contest, with Jessica Wakefield in second at 32%, Mrs. Pike in third with 13%, and Stacey McGill bringing up the rear (hee!) with 11%. Go Cathy, and watch out for the herp!

So, after much pondering (or not), our question for April is actually not sarcastic or mean spirited. Well, maybe it is a little. I usually call people I love my hoes, so I want to know, who is your main (fictional) ho?

Sabrina Wells - Anyone who wears baggy gym shorts with neon tights deserves to win. Plus she must be super nice, because she continues to hang out with boring ass Allison. Ugh, just typing that name is putting me to sleep. Think happy Sabrina thoughts! I totally want to lay around Sabrina's sweet attic room and read back issues of CosmoGirl with her. I'd probably hit on Sam, too, but that's another story.

Lila Fowler - Damn I love Lila. She's beautiful, rich, perfect, and knows it. She also manages to be popular even though she's a lowly brunette. She has a kickass mansion that's so big you could probably hide out in one of the guest rooms for a few months without anyone noticing, too. Ooh, and if you want a new expensive blue scarf, she'll totally shoplift one for you. She also almost got Mr. Collins fired by accusing him of molesting her. *EDIT: I screwed up! She didn't accuse Mr. Collins, she accused her therapist. She's still awesome, though. Thanks to Morgan for pointing this out!* Is there anything actually bad about this girl?

Claudia Kishi - It's my personal opinion that Claudia is a way cooler dresser than Stacey, because she just doesn't give a shit. Matching is a concept that Claudia has never heard of (neither is Phonics), and I kind of like to picture her getting up every morning, putting on a blindfold, and grabbing random articles of clothing and accessories and putting them on and working it. Stacey could never pull off dressing like a watermelon or a Ms. Frizzle. NEVER!

Olivia Winfield Foxworth a.k.a. TG - TG's the coolest granny around! She could've turned her negligee-loving daughter and 4 kids out on the streets, but instead let them stay in her awesome mansion. And come on, she was as disgusted by the prospect of incest as we were, and tried to beat it out of Chris and Cathy. Too bad it didn't work. She also had a sweet dollhouse as a little girl, and you know if she let Corinne and all her brats play with it we totally could, too. She'd even get up early every day and prepare a whole day's worth of food for you, and warn you against eating Corinne's special doughnuts. TG rocks!

Voting ends May 1!

OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGG!!!!!

2008-03-20T22:26:00.002-05:00

Holy shit, I would wear this EVERY DAY. No joke. My So-Called Life being cancelled after one season is like the greatest tragedy of my childhood.

Shirt is located at http://www.palmercash.com/product.asp?3=1311

It's totes pop

2008-03-17T21:40:00.002-05:00

What American accent do you have? Your Result: The Inland North You may think you speak "Standard English straight out of the dictionary" but when you step away from the Great Lakes you get asked annoying questions like "Are you from Wisconsin?" or "Are you from Chicago?" Chances are you call carbonated drinks "pop."
The Midland
The Northeast
Philadelphia
The South
The West
Boston
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

This thing was so dead on, and I just felt like sharing it because I'm a nerdo.

What next?

2008-03-17T10:23:00.004-05:00

How I choose what book to do depends on what book I feel like reading. Lately I've been in one of those moods where I don't feel like reading anything I own. So, I want requests and suggestions from you guys on what to do. As long as I can find it in my shitty library, I'll try to get through it. Or, there's a buttload of books I own that I still haven't done. Here's a teeny sample:

-FH Stephanie - some college book that might be the worst FH book I've ever read, and they're not exactly literary masterpieces.

-FH Sisters book - something about Valentine's Day. I don't really remember what it's exactly about, but I know it's horrible because it's not just from Stephanie's P.O.V., but Michelle's, too. I heartily second MilkMan's opinion on Michelle.

-Girl Talk - still have a stack of them, including the one where Katie joins the hockey team, one where Allison's mom gets knocked up and Allison acts like a little shit about it, and the one where Randy joins a band and there are tons of insinuations to her manliness.

-BSC - I have #1-60, and then random ones after that, and I think #1-9 of the Super Specials and #1-8 of the sucktastic mysteries. Ooh, and I do have an awful Little Sister book that I found recently, too. I'm also trying to acquire the rest of the California Diaries.

-SVH - I have so many random ones, sadly not as many old ones as the miniseries. Oddly enough, I don't own the one where Robin gets all ano even though it's one of my favorites. Yeah, there's something wrong with me.

-Forever by Judy Blume - I'm kind of torn on doing this one, because part of me thinks that it's a wonderful true-to-life book about a teenage romance, and then the other part thinks Michael is a little creepy.

-Party of Five Claudia - I never knew there was more than one Claudia book, as I could only ever find the one where she skips school to win tickets for a concert (which I sadly gave away), but I acquired a different one at a thrift store, and my shitty library has the other one.

-V.C. Andrews aplenty - name a series and I have it, and yes, I do think I shall be finishing the FITA series. If There Be Thorns is just too crazy not to.

-Newer YA books, like Gossip Girl, Princess Diaries, The A-List, The Clique... - I can't grow up.

-Some random 80's YA novels - this also includes a few Cheerleaders and Junior High books, and my library has most of the Barthe DeClements and Anastasia books.

So let me know what you guys want, whether it be from my list or something you just liked that I didn't name. I'm bored with all my books, and need requests!

Girl Talk #3 The New You

2008-03-10T10:36:00.005-05:00

This seems to be the GT book everyone remembers the most. I always remember The Winning Team the most because it centers around Sabrina and I love that ho. This one is about Allison, ugh. I'm falling asleep just typing her name. Sabrina should've so had her own spin-off series. In fact, I should add a picture of her to my banner because her outfit in The Winning Team epitomizes a walking highlighter. Man, I love her.

At least the cover of this book has a decent picture of Randy's spiky mullet. The spiky mullet should have a spin-off series, too.

The girls are having a sleepover in Sabrina's attic bedroom. I was always way jealous of her room. Sabrina is reading Belle, which I guess is like Seventeen or old-school YM (side note: I miss YM, and still have just about every copy from 1995-2000.). She reads about a modeling search and free makeover, and gets all excited. The magazine just happen to be coming to a mall near Acorn Falls! What are the chances? All the other girls just dismiss Sabrina's idea of showing up for it like she's stupid for even suggesting it. Lay off, bitches, Sabrina rules. In fact, she rules so much that the author started off the book with her, even though it's supposed to be about Allison. L.E. Blair/Katherine Applegate knows what'll sell. Katie thinks it'll be embarrassing, Randy's too butch, and Allison gives some excuse but I dozed off, sorry. I think it was something along the lines of, "I'm so lame and I read over 100 books last summer so I need to sit around and stare at a blank wall and congratulate myself on that." I paraphrased a bit. Sabrina pressures them by reading them their horoscopes and then trying to apply them to the situation. She had me at Aquarius. The other girls finally agree to go, but only if they bring just enough money for lunch so that there would be no way they'd get duped into buying something from the magazine. Allison needs extra convincing, because she says she doesn't want to be made over. Um, Allison? It's makeup, not a nose job. One time I had a free makeover at Macy's and they made me look like a baby prostitute, and you know what I did? Went home and washed it off. Trust me, it works. Allison finally says she'll go along just to watch. I would've just left her boring ass at home.

The girls put makeup an Allison and she freaks out about it. She's allergic to looking interesting! Sabrina reads about a hair mask and decides to do it. Unfortunately she didn't read the other ingredients that were continued on another page, and ends up with a gluey-like substance in hr hair. They spend the rest of their time getting it out, after Allison tries to figure out an antidote. She actually uses that word. Let's see, Allison, if you forgot to put olive oil in and you needed something slippery to get the shit out, how about using olive oil or conditioner? Look at that, I didn't even need my science book!

At school on Monday our favorite palindrome teacher asks Allison to write something for their school newspaper, and practically has to force her to do it. Even Ms. Staats is so over Allison's boringness. At lunch the caf is packed, and Stacy, B.Z., Eva, and Laurel are forced to sit with Randy, Katie, Sabrina, and Allison. Sabrina starts talking to Katie about the model thing, and Stacy flips her shit because she's going, too. Naturally. Stacy is sure she'll be picked, because she is 25, and Eva says there's no way any of the GT girls will be picked. Shut it, ho, Sabrina is a million times more awesome than you could ever hope to be. Eva makes fun of Allison for being tall, and, even though this was way before then, I know she has never seen an episode of America's Next Top Model, because models are supposed to be tall. Duh! Allison and Randy go off to science lab, and Allison starts going on about their lab and attributing parts of it to herself and Randy, and I just want to stick pins in my eyes because that would be more entertaining than this.

The girls get to the mall, and get in 4 different lines so that they'll have a better chance of being picked for the makeover and free shit. Allison spends her time trying to figure out a pattern to the lines, and I want to haul off and smack her. If it's a modeling search, they're not going to pick every 10th girls or something, they're going to pick every hottest girl! I guess Sabrina blinded them with her outfit or something, because her hot ass wasn't picked. Randy was turned away because the modeling search was for girls only and Katie wasn't picked, either. Only Allison was. Wonderful. I can barely contain my joy. Stacy and B.Z. got in, too, so at least there's that to look forward to.

Allison tries to swtich her ticket into the makeover section with one of the other girls, but the Belle Magazine rep yells at her and tells her to get going. Hahahaha! She's all scared and I'm so over it. It's fucking makeup, just shut your eyes and deal with it! The modeling agency people all flip their shit over her, because she's tall (told you, Eva), has nice thick hair, and excellent skin. In fact, the obvs gay hairdresser can't stop wetting his pants over her hair. I love him, kind of. I guess I love anyone compared to Allison. Except maybe Randy. The girls are all separated into groups for makeovers, and Allison, Stacy, and three other girls are asked if they would like to participate in the modeling campaign. Get this - their theme is diversity. There's a redhead, an Asian, a Black girl (they capitalized it in the book, not me), a 25 year old blonde (Stacy), and a Native American (Allison). They fill out some contact sheets and get sent off to their makeover shit. Allison talks to the firecrotch, whose name is Kelly O'Connor (Irish enough for ya?), but her modeling name is Kelly Kay. Allison realizes what time it is, and runs back to meet her friends. She says she secretly hopes she'll get the call to be in the agency's ad.

The next Monday at school Stacy is bragging about how her mom got the call from the agency during lunch time. Allison is sad because she thinks she won't get it. You dumbass, you haven't even been home yet to find out if there was a call or not. Sure enough, Allison's mom got a call, too. They have to go to a photo shoot at a local high school, and Mrs. Cloud will be driving Allison and Stacy, and Stacy's mom, who has it goin' on, will pick them up and drive them back home. Allison is worried about being in the same car and the same photo shoot with Stacy, but her mom offers her milk and cookies and she immediately feels better. I'd feel better, too.

Telephone Talk: Allison tells the other girls the news. It's all boring and lame.

Modeling day! Stacy acts all nice to Allison and her mom. I love that two-faced bitch. She even kind of apologizes for being a bitch, and Allison wonders if maybe Stacy is just like her on the inside. Don't count on it, she's a 25 year old seventh grader. Obviously she didn't read over 100 books last summer. The Black girl (again, they capitalized it), who is named Keisha, is also there. Allison gets the hottest makeover ever, and internally whines about it the whole time. Shut UP! The obvs gay hairdresser has her flip her head upside down and brush her hair and make it all big and fluffy, which she internally bitches about because it's not the way she normally does her hair. So? It's fucking brushing, not cutting. It'll be the same as it was before if you just brush it down again. Then she gets the makeup, which she says makes her feel like a circus clown. If this was panel at ANTM, Tyra would tell her all about how she once had to wear 8 pounds of makeup and 3 tons of hairspray and she could barely move and had to walk uphill on Mount Everest in an avalanche with 120 degree fever the day after her father died to get to the shoot, but she still worked it and came out with a fierce photo. Did Allison honestly think that she wouldn't need anything and could model looking like a boring ass lameoid? At least Tyra wasn't in charge of the hair. You know she would've dyed Allison's hair bleach blonde or shaved her head or put in a dead rat and call it a weave. I love the makeover episodes.

Stacy and Allison head out onto the football field and find Kelly, Keisha, and nameless Asian girl, along with a bunch of football players. There's also a totes gay Italian photographer, who annoyingly gives directions in Italian and then English. Hey, dumbass, why don't you save yourself the breath and just give them in English the first time? He says capisce, and I immediately think of that hot piece of ass Uncle Jesse. During a break Allison starts talking with one of the football players, Bruce. No comment. They start up again, and Stacy gets yelled at for putting movement into her poses by doing cheerleader jumps and flips. I call bullshit on this photographer, Tyra LOVES movement!

The next day before school, Allison does her hair the way the hairdresser did it and puts on her least lame outfit, a yellow shirt and sexy overalls with yellow striped cuffs and pockets. Wild! Not. She says she hasn't worn her hair loose since she was about 5, and acts like it's such a big deal and everything. I think this book has taken my indifference towards Allison to full on hatred. The girls think she looks hot, and she's all embarrassed and shit. Stacy passes her a note in Miss Munson's class, who is Ms. Munson in this book for some reason. Stacy invites her to Fitzie's after school. She decides to go, but tries to figure out a way to ditch Randy, Katie, and Sabrina, who are also going to Fitzie's. I'm sure you can all fit in there, dumbass. Who cares?

Allison, Katie, Sabrina, and Randy all get a table together, and Allison tells them about the shoot, but it's not the same because they weren't there so they don't quite get it. Stacy comes over to their table and pulls Allison over to hers. She says she has the pictures from the shoot. Sabrina shows up and is excited to see them, but Stacy's hos are all mean to her and tell her to GTFO. They just made my little black book! Allison doesn't stick up for Sabrina, and when she finally makes it back to her table Sabrina and Katie are gone. Randy tells her Sabrina was really upset, and asks what happened. Allison tells her, and Randy rips her a new asshole for not sticking up for Sabrina. I now officially like Randy more than Allison. Randy says she's going over to Sabrina's to see how she is, and thinks Allison should come with and apologize. Stacy runs up to Allison and tells her how she needs a ride to the next shoot, and Randy gets pissed and leaves without her. I don't know why Randy couldn't wait for a second, or why Allison couldn't walk to Sabrina's by herself. Allison just goes home to be lame alone.

The next day at school Randy, Sabrina, and Katie give Allison the silent treatment. This is so like a BSC book, specifically Mary Anne's Makeover. Well, at least here they have a reason to be mad, if it was a BSC book the silent treatment would've started as soon as Allison got picked at the mall. Those bitches will refuse to talk to you if you change anything about yourself! I don't necessarily think Allison deserves the silent treatment, but then again she could've gone over to Sabrina's or called her at least to apologize. I guess she does deserve it for being a lazy ho.

At the next shoot Stacy gets cuter clothes than Allison and a better hairstyle. Well, I say better only because Allison gets a hairstyle that I definitely remember Claudia Kishi rocking: ponytail on top of the head braided into a million little skinny braids. They start doing the shoot, and then the modeling person starts throwing in accessories, like notebooks and shit. Allison gets all pissy because she's given a pair of glasses and doesn't want to wear them. Tyra once had a shoot where she had to wear a back brace and sit in a wheelchair made out of sharpened pins while teetering on a ledge over the Grand Canyon, and she still managed to work it and look fierce. Allison is letting her pissy mood get to her and has to do the same shot over and over again because she sucks. Mr. Jay would be yelling at her right about now. Even though Allison royally sucks ass, she stills gets asked by the agency to think about modeling in New York.

Stacy tells Allison after the shoot that she called her mom and told her she was riding with Mrs. Cloud, but really the football player Allison had been flirting with is giving her a ride home. This leaves Allison stranded with no ride, and she is mega pissed. It's like the only time she's shown a strong emotion. Bruce the football player asks her if she's ready, and she's all confused. He says that he wanted to give her a ride home, but Stacy said they were supposed to go together so he said he'd take her along too. Allison refuses because she is worried that her parents will get mad. What does a 16 year old want with a 13 year old? Gross! Allison calls her dad to come get her, and he gives her a lecture on the way home on how looks aren't everything and she can't forget her mind. Whatevs.

The next day at school Allison is all sad because she couldn't finish her homework or hand something in for the school newspaper. The shoot ended at 6, dummy, not midnight. I never even started my homework until like 9. I'm also a huge procrastinator. Randy stops Allison in the hallway and rips her a new one. Allison realizes she didn't go to Sabrina's after Fitzie's. Are you kidding me? You just fucking remembered that? Randy doesn't give her a chance to explain, and leaves.

That weekend Allison is all sad and alone. She thinks about calling the girls, but doesn't. Ow, I just hurt my head pounding it on my desk. She decides to go to Fitzie's and do some writing and shit. Stacy and her posse are already there, and the GT girls walk in soon after. Stacy runs up to Allison to show her the new pics, and flips her shit when she sees the pics are all of Allison. She tries to play it off by saying she only joined because the agency begged her, and Allison calls bullshit on her in front of everyone. She starts screaming at her and tells her about the New York thing, and Stacy gets even more pissed and leaves. For some reason this makes Randy, Sabrina, and Katie her friends again. I guess you can't be friendly with them and with Stacy at the same time. Seems dumb to me, but then again most of this book was. They all apologize and look at the pictures. Randy likes Allison in glasses, and they all go off to the eyeglass store to try some on. Clearly, you must like glasses and hate Stacy if your friends do. Fucking followers. Allison says she like being a model, but she's done with it for awhile, thus losing the only interesting thing about her.

Eh, I guess Randy's spiky mullet isn't so bad. In some other books, she has the back up in a ponytail and it's horrendous. Katie's face looks weird, and Sabrina looks like a Kid Sister doll. I hate hate HATE the frightened look on Allison's face, like some blush, nail polish, and curlers will give her the plague or something. Suck it up, ho!

SVH #4 Power Play

2008-03-04T08:29:00.005-06:00

I get to school this morning and as I'm walking into the building another student comes out and says school is cancelled because of a water main break. This is majorly awesome, but would've been even better if I had known about it at 6:30 this morning when I was pushing my snooze button and trying to dream some more about Jason Segel. Damn, that boy is hot.

Because of no school, I'm in a super good mood! I decided to keep the good mood up and recap what might be my favorite SVH book. Don't worry, even though I'm in a good mood, I'll still be relentless with the snark. Also, if there are more typos than usual, I'm tired and I hit my finger yesterday, causing the nail to rip halfway off and bleed all over, so I have a finger brace on it and it's awkward to type.

I love this book mostly because I like my Jessica Wakefield to be full-on selfish and sociopathic. I like the Jessica Wakefield that spikes her own twin sister's drink so she can win prom queen. I mean, she really has no limit, does she? Of course, I love it. The old books are the best because no matter what crazy ass bitchy thing she does Elizabeth always takes it. It's so great. Ooh, and this book has a Lila subplot, and I wholeheartedly agree with the 1bruce1 (link on right) theory that Lila is the awesomez.

Have you guys ever wondered about Kate William, the actual author of SVH? It must suck that her name isn't even on the cover and she gets pretty much no credit. I mean, hell, most libraries even have SVH books under P for Pascal. What the hell did Francince Pascal do? Okay, she created the series, but does that mean she just went to her lackey Kate William one day and was like, "Twins. Blonde hair, Pacific blue eyes, perfect size 6. Different personalities," and then just walked away? I bet Francine has never even read SVH. She's too busy laying around her mansion, Pascal Crest, and ordering maids to make her cosmos. "I said EXTRA vodka, Servant! Do it over again!" "But, Ms. Pascal, I'm here to repair the roof." "Less talking, MORE VODKA!"

Ah, I'm just joking around. I have read a book that is actually written by Francine Pascal (My First Love and Other Disasters, haven't been able to get my hands on the other two), and it was very funny and entertaining, and not much like an SVH book. I can't help but wonder how different SVH would be if Francine wrote it, and what the hell she was so busy with that she couldn't do it herself. Maybe she had to tend to her Goldie Hawn bangs.

So our literary masterpiece starts off with Robin Wilson's mother calling the Wakefield house one afternoon to try to find her. Elizabeth answers the phone and is surprised to hear that Robin Wilson, the fat girl, thinks that she's Jessica Wakefield's BFF. For some reason, Mrs. Wilson feels that she can confide in Liz about Robin. Maybe because Elizabeth is 45, too. She tells Liz that Robin is going to drop out of school because she's a fattypants and thinks she's unpopular. Oh, Robin. Remember the fat kid from Stand By Me? He grew up to be a sexy underwear model. There's always hope. Mrs. Wilson asks Elizabeth if Robin is going to be asked to pledge their sorority, Pi Beta Alpha. How many high schools do you know of that had sororities? Elizabeth says they've gotten behind in nominations, but Jessica is now president and said she'd do it at the next meeting. Mrs. Wilson is afraid that Jessica is too busy to remember to do it, and then decides to end the guilt trip by asking Elizabeth to have Robin call home if she sees her. Oh, Mrs. Wilson, stop worrying. Robin is overweight and a brunette, nothing bad will happen to her.

Soon after Mrs. Wilson hangs up, Jessica calls. Elizabeth yells at her because she was supposed to be helping her clean the house over an hour ago. Ugh, Elizabeth, that's not the way to get Jessica to come home. Tell her you're throwing a party for her for being the most beautiful girl in all of California, and only attractive men who want to molest her will be invited. She'll be there super fast. Jessica gives some excuses about picking up her clothes at the cleaner's and getting some books from the library, and Elizabeth totally buys it because lies weren't invented back when she was 16.

Elizabeth starts cleaning the house by herself, and then the doorbell rings. It's Robin Wilson, with Jessica's dry cleaning and books. Robin sits down to wait for Jessica and starts eating a candy bar. Trusting Elizabeth immediately turns into Judgmental Elizabeth, and she can't stop staring disapprovingly at Robin. Shut the fuck up, Elizabeth, like you've never had a candy bar in your life. Just because she's overweight doesn't mean she should be punished and never be allowed to enjoy a Snickers once in awhile. Elizabeth asks Robin why she did Jessica's errands for her, and Robin says that's what best friends do. Elizabeth now pities Robin for thinking that Jessica is actually her friend. Hey, you never know, she could be hanging out with her because she'd look even more beautiful by comparison. It's something Jessica would do, don't deny it. Robin starts crying about wanting to pledge to PBA but not having her name put up yet, and Elizabeth tells her she'll put her name up. Why didn't Robin go to Elizabeth first? If I wanted something from the twins, I'd definitely ask Elizabeth because she's a huge pushover. Robin is all happy and runs to call her mother to tell her the good news. Elizabeth is scared what Jessica will do when she finds out. I'd be scared, too, she'll probably cut the brakes on the car so Elizabeth can't get to the meeting.

Robin comes back into the room and says her mom is so happy for her. She takes out another candy bar and starts chomping away. Elizabeth is mad at herself for doing something to make Robin eat more. Damn, Elizabeth, it's a candy bar, not an extra large pizza. All your visits to the Dairi Burger sure aren't helping your figure, either. Jessica comes home and Robin tells her she's so excited and she and Liz are so wonderful and then leaves. Jessica calls her a fat wimp and asks Liz what that was all about. Liz starts nagging her about using Robin and making her think they were friends just so she could have a slave, and Jessica's just like, "Yeah, so?" This is the Jessica I love, the one who doesn't realize that everyone has feelings and the world is not there to serve her. Elizabeth notices a new scarf around Jessica's neck and asks her about. Jessica says that Lila (!) has an aunt in New York who sent it to her, but she didn't like the color on her. Everyone in the world knows that Lila doesn't give shit away. Hell, she probably buys herself a new present on her friend's birthdays because it's a gift just being with her fabulous self. Elizabeth totally buys the story, though, and instead lays into Jessica about not cleaning the house and using Robin. Jessica doesn't really give a shit about the conversation until Liz tells her that she's going to put up Robin's name herself. Jessica totally flips her shit and starts screaming that "that tub of lard" will ruin PBA's image and shit. What the hell, you guys let Elizabeth in, and she's middle aged! Oh, but she's thin. I get it now.

PBA meeting time! Elizabeth is running late, so Jessica tries to hurry through the new business before she gets there. No such luck, all that mall walking in the morning has made Elizabeth fast, and she gets there and puts Robin's name up for pledge, making sure to say that she's Jessica's BFF. The other members are appalled that a fat girl might have the chance to join their group, but are too scared of Jess to say anything mean about her "best friend." Rightfully so, Jessica is not afraid to cut a bitch! After the meeting Jessica yells at Elizabeth, calling her "Little Miss Do A Good Deed Every Day." Jessica has the best insults in this book. Wait until I get to my favorite one. Liz says that Robin is smart and funny, and would make a good addition to PBA. Jess replies that she's "surrounded by two tons of fat." She then tells Liz not to gloat too much, because Robin has to pass all the pledging tasks still. And guess who gets to decide what those tasks are? You got it, Miss Jessica Wakefield herself.

Cara, Lila, and Jessica stop by Robin's house to tell her she's been nominated. Robin freaks out at their presence and starts offering them sodas, milkshakes, eclairs, and ice cream sandwiches. The girls just stare at her like they might catch fat. Jessica tells Robin she's been nominated, and the look of happiness on Robin's face is almost enough to make her change her mind about ruining her life, but not quite. Smile a little bigger next time, Robin. After lipo, of course. The girls leave, and Robin celebrates by taking a cherry cheesecake out of the fridge and eating it. Next time something good happens to me, I'm heading over to the Wilsons'. Their dessert selection is the shit. Oh, wait, we're supposed to be disgusted by Robin's eating habits. Hell, I'm just hungry.

Elizabeth asks Jessica later how Robin took the news. Jessica is more concerned with her thighs, though. She tells Liz that Robin was super happy and kept offering her food because she wanted her to be as fat as she is. No way, Robin just has good desserts and wanted to share! Robin and I would totally be BFF, and she wouldn't even have to pick up my dry cleaning. Liz notices that Jessica is wearing a new pair of earrings that look really expensive. Jessica says Lila's aunt sent them, and she didn't like them so she got them. Lila's aunt must have sucky taste if everything she gives her is too revolting to keep. Elizabeth buys it, of course, and Jessica tells her to be sure to show up at the track after school tomorrow. Elizabeth wonders what is going on. Um, Elizabeth? Either she's going to humiliate Robin or Lila's aunt bought her a private jet that she's giving to Jessica there. If Elizabeth's the smart twin, then Jessica must be borderline retarded.

Elizabeth is at her locker when her middle aged husband, Todd, comes up and starts making out with her and shit. I hate hate HATE it when Elizabeth and Todd flirt with each other, because it's just so gross and all talk. I mean, I never say to my boyfriend, "I have the perfect way to relax you," and then just hold his hand. I'm better than that! Elizabeth tell him they need to get to the track to see what Jessica was talking about yesterday. I'll give you a hint: it's not a jet. They find Robin running around the track in shorts and a tank top. Tons of people are in the stands yelling out insults to her. Everyone's favorite date rapist, Bruce Patman, tells her not to fall because she'll dent the track. Elizabeth is furious at Jessica, but that doesn't mean shit because she's not going to do anything about it.

Robin has to jog around the track five times a day for a week, and at the end of the week Elizabeth congratulates her for not eating candy bars while running. Nah, I'm lying, but she does congratulate her for finishing the task. Robin is depressed, and Elizabeth asks why. Robin tells her that she's received her next task: go to the beach on Saturday and play volleyball in a bikini. Elizabeth tells her that she, Todd, Enid, and Enid's boyfriend George are going to the beach on Saturday and always play volleyball, so she can play with them. That's a good idea, because that group is so boring no one will be able to look at them without falling asleep. Robin is happy that she won't have to face the task alone.

For some reason on Saturday they play volleyball against Lila, Cara, Jessica, and Bruce. I thought Liz wanted to protect Robin? Oh, and I love the author's subtle jabs at Robin; her dresses are always described as tent dresses and the robe she wears to the beach is a tent robe. WTF is a tent dress?

Oddly enough one of the people credited with this pic is named Robin.

Robin gets through the afternoon, even with Bruce making fun of her the whole time. She's all happy and positive until she receives her final task: have Bruce take her to the Discomarathon.

Liz is pissed about the Bruce thing, but convinces Robin to try and ask him. Robin goes home all sad and Liz runs off to the tennis courts to find Bruce. He's all turned on by the fact that a Wakefield twin (doesn't care which one) is watching him practice. Liz bribes him by telling him she'll do a front page story with a picture for The Oracle on his tennis abilities if he takes Robin Wilson to the dance. Bruce is unwilling at first, but his ego always wins out and in the end he agrees. Liz is happy.

Liz comes home to find Jessica laying out by the pool getting skin cancer. She bets Jessica two weeks of laundry that Bruce will take Robin to the dance. Jessica is lazy and stupid, so of course she agrees. Liz goes back into the house and Lila walks in. She asks how her aunt is, and Lila is all stupid and denies having an aunt until she remembers she told Jessica it was her aunt that gave her all of that fabulous expensive stuff. Oops. She tries to cover it up, but not even Elizabeth is falling for it. Liz notices that Lila is wearing quite possibly the ugliest ring in the world, a big gold pharoah's head, and compliments her on it. Lila doesn't have time for lowly Elizabeth's comments, and leaves to go and hang out with Jessica by the pool.

Liz calls Robin and tells her to ask Bruce to the dance. She is reluctant, but agrees. The next day Robin comes running up to Liz all excited because Bruce said yes. Robin thinks the kids will all accept her now that she has a date with the most popular rapist in school. Yeah, right. If every girl Bruce dated was immediately made popular, then there would no such thing as unpopular. Ho gets around. Liz gloats to Jessica, who has no idea how this could've happened. Oh, Jessica. Are you really that stupid? (Answer: Yes)

Discomarathon! Todd and Liz dance, and Liz gets orgasms from touching him. Well, that's what I interpreted, anyway, because the book says, "Feeling his strong, athletic body so close to her always made her feel warm, excited, and utterly in love." Kinky! Robin and Bruce enter. Liz says Robin is wearing a prettier tent dress than usual. How kind of you, judgmental bitch. Bruce leads Robin out to the dance floor and then says, "Anyone want to steer the Queen Mary around the floor tonight? She's all yours!" and walks out. Robin is shocked and humiliated. She runs into the bathroom and Liz goes in after her. Enid, having no purpose but to follow Liz around, is given the task of guarding the door so no one can come in. Yeah, right. How will Enid keep them out, bore them to death? Actually, that's not a bad plan. If I saw Enid standing outside the bathroom door, I'd go find another one immediately.

Liz gives Robin another motivational talk, and then tells her she has "such a pretty face." God, if every fat girl around the world had a dollar for hearing that one, they'd all be billionaires. Liz was just complimenting her before to cheer her up, but then actually looks at Robin and realizes that it's true. Bitch! Enid pokes her head in and says she can't keep the crowd back much longer. She's so lying, they're all avoiding her like the plague. Robin says she can't go back out there and she's dropping out of school. She runs out and Liz follows her and smacks into Allen Walters, the nerdy school newspaper photographer. What was he doing trying to get into the girl's bathroom, huh? Liz tells him that he needs to do a favor for her and stop Robin Wilson. What? Why can't Liz do it herself? Lazy ho.

Allen finds Robin and stops her. Task done! Oh, he has to talk to her, too. He calms Robin down and they find out the both like old romance movies (maybe he was taking the camera into the boy's bathroom), and he asks her to dance. They go back in and dance for one song. Allen says he needs to leave when it ends. Robin thinks it's because of her, but then he asks if he can walk her home. Awwwww.

Elizabeth and Jessica have a huge fight at home after the dance. Liz blames Jess for what Bruce said, but Jess maintains her innocence. Liz gives up arguing with her, but still doesn't believe she had nothing to do with it.

The next day Elizabeth goes to the mall to pick up their mom's watch at the repair shop. She notices scarves like the one Jessica had been wearing, and the salesgirl tells her they're exclusive to that shop. Liz bumps into a display of jewelry and knocks it down. Clumsy fool. The salesgirl makes her stay put until every piece of jewelry is accounted for, and Liz notices another fugly pharoah ring like the one Lila had on. The salesgirl tells Liz that they have just installed a new security system because there has been a shoplifting problem recently. She's very accusing, and Liz nervously runs away.

Liz is sad because she thinks Jess is a shoplifter. She tries to think of a way to talk to her about it, but the only thing she can think of is telling Jess that the stolen scarf looks like shit on her. Jessica of course doesn't wear it after that. Liz asks her when the PBA voting meeting is that night, and Jessica says she doesn't know how she found out about it and tells her. Liz says they couldn't call it a final vote without her, and Jess says she was just going to vote for her. All absentee ballots for the presidential election are now being sent to Jessica Wakefield.

Meeting time! The girls vote by passing around a box and dropping a white marble in for yes and a black one for no. Any black balls mean no membership. Suzanne Hanlon is voted on first and makes it, and Lila approves because her father has a Rolls-Royce. Next is Robin. The box is passed around, Jessica opens it and finds a black ball. Everyone is shocked because they can't believe someone would defy Jessica like that by voting against her best friend. Elizabeth is convinced that Jessica did it herself, but what about Lila? You know Lila doesn't give a shit who Jessica's friends are, and will vote as she pleases. I mean, I'm not denying that Jessica would do it, too, I'm just saying Lila is a good guess also.

Jessica and Elizabeth meet Robin at Casey's to tell her the bad news. Robin nearly faints, and Jessica assures her that even though she's not a part of everything worth having at SVH, they can still be friends. She actually says that. God, I love her. Liz tells her to shut up, and then tries to comfort Robin, but she screams at her and says there isn't any reason for her to go on and runs out. Elizabeth chooses to sit there and yell at Jessica instead of go after Robin. Clearly when your friend is humiliated and runs to the bathroom she needs you, but when she threatens suicide she must be left alone.

Liz tries to call Robin all night, but instead has a chat with her BFF Mrs. Wilson. She tells Mrs. Wilson that Robin was blackballed, and Mrs. Wilson wonders how people can be so cruel. The next day Liz is sitting in the Oracle office with Mr. Collins. Run, Liz! Mr. Collins is the creepiest teacher in the world. Liz starts babbling on about the sorority and how it excludes people and shit. Isn't that the definition of a sorority? If they let everyone in then how are they any different from just a bunch of girls hanging out? Liz decides to write an article about the situation, entitled "Snobbery Is Alive and Well at Sweet Valley High," forgetting that she is also a member of this snobby sorority. Also, doesn't this make every sports team snobby? You don't get on the team unless the coach thinks you're good enough. Just saying. She hands her article in to our uptight Princess of Lame, Penny Ayala, and is satisfied with herself.

The day the article comes out all the Pi Betas are pissed, but none as much as Jessica. Elizabeth is sad because since the blackballing no one has seen or heard from Robin, so she wasn't there to read the article. Jessica yells at Liz, and Liz tells her she shouldn't have blackballed Robin. Jess tells her that Liz knew Robin couldn't make it and shouldn't have even sponsored her in the first place. She also calls her the best insult ever, Elizabeth Wakefield Buttinski, and accuses her of being a goody goody who interferes with everything and tries to help every wayward soul. Go Jessica! Jess tells her Bruce told Cara about the bribe, and that Liz should just mind her own business for once. I'm planning my wedding to Jessica as I write this.

Mrs. Wilson calls Elizabeth to tell her Robin was visiting an aunt in LA but is back in Sweet Valley now. She says Robin doesn't want to talk to anyone, especially members of PBA, but she was just calling Liz because she knew she was worried. Also, she wanted to confirm that their bridge game had been moved to Thursdays and to make sure Liz was bringing extra prunes. Liz sees Robin at school and she's wearing no makeup and a tent dress that is a little too big for her. She is very quiet and just stares straight ahead in the hallways and stuff. She's also pretty cold to Liz and completely ignores Jess. Lila is also acting weird, bragging about all these great places her father is going to take her. How is that different from how she normally acts? Lila loves to brag! Elizabeth asks Jessica about all the stuff Lila gave her, and Jess tells her again it was from Lila's aunt. Liz asks Jess if she didn't steal them, and Jess rightfully freaks out and says she's going to tell their mother. Because that won't be a bad conversation. Liz apologizes and says she didn't mean it.

Liz decides to go to the mall the next day to get Todd a new watchband for his upcoming birthday. She sees a woman steal a bracelet in Lisette's, and the woman turns around and, duh, it's Lila. The salesgirl didn't see Lila, though, and instead goes after Elizabeth. Elizabeth runs away and heads for home. She talks to Jessica and tells her to stay away from Lila. Jess wants to know why, but Liz just tells her to stay away.

Elizabeth sees Robin the next morning running the track, as she has been since she got back to school. She talks to her a little, and Robin is nice but not overly friendly. Liz sees her later in the cafeteria and of course checks out her tray to see what's on it. Because a fat girl's fashion accessory is a tray full of food, natch. Robin's tray used to have french fries and double burgers (yep, plural) on it, but now has lettuce, two tomato slices, and a hard boiled egg. That's no fun! Can I have the cheeseburger she turned down? I'm a cheeseburger addict as well as a Snapple one.

Of course, Robin is losing weight super fast. Elizabeth has to make sure she's not anorexic. Nope, not until #74. Robin is insulted and tells her she's not stupid. Elizabeth is happy and tells her she thinks she's just terrific! What a nosy ass bitch.

Elizabeth gets a phone call from Lila after school saying that Jessica is being held at the mall for shoplifting. She gets to the mall as fast as she can and finds Lila in the parking lot. Lila tells her the story and Elizabeth realizes that they wanted her, not Jessica. Lila asks her why she's been shoplifting, and Elizabeth tells her to cut the crap because she saw her steal a bracelet. Lila is all scared and shit, and says she steals to get her father to notice her. Liz makes her come inside to confess. The salesgirl sees Liz and grabs her, thinking they both shoplift, and Liz says it's not either of them. She tells Jess to wait in the car, and Lila comes in. Just as she's going to confess, she faints. Dramz!

Lila wakes up and Liz tells her the shop is pressing charges and Mr. Fowler is on his way over. He comes and gets her and crap, and Liz heads back out to her car where Jess is waiting. She won't tell Jessica anything, and Jess is frustrated. It's really not that hard to figure out, Jessica. Maybe she is borderline retarded after all.

Liz accompanies Lila to her hearing. She's given 6 month probation for being awesome. Mr. Fowler takes them out to dinner and Liz eats a ton of fattening stuff, but it's okay because she's thin. She gets home and still won't tell Jessica anything, and Jessica is pissed. Then she goes out on a date with Todd, and there's more of their nauseating sexy talk and no action.

The next day Liz is writing an article on the mid-term cheerleading tryouts and almost pisses her pants when she sees that Robin is on the list. Jessica can't read, so she doesn't know about it when the paper comes out until Liz tells her to read it. She predictably flips out and says it isn't fair. Anyone can try out for cheerleading, dumbass. At school Robin is getting popular. She saves the tent dresses for camping only now, and wears the latest fashions. She's lookin so smokin' that Bruce Patman almost walks into a door staring at her. He totally doesn't recognize hr, and thinks she's a new girl. Something tells me you ruined your chance with her at the Discomarathon, Bruce. Robin not only makes the cheerleading squad, but is named co-captain with Jessica. Clearly, losing a lot of weight will give you gymnastic skills and talent.

Elizabeth has been mailing articles she's written to the Sweet Valley newspaper for a few months now, and finally receives a letter from the editor. He says she shows promise, but he hasn't been able to use any of her articles. Liz is sad. How did someone in Sweet Valley deny one of the glorious Wakefield twins something? You know this guy was fired and excommunicated from the town as soon as people found out. Creepy Mr. Collins tells her to keep trying because getting a letter from the editor is a big thing. It's not like he's got much to do, Elizabeth and Jessica don't have any molesters or avenging criminals or evil girls who look just like them after them in this book, so what else could the staff be writing about? Hell, Bruce Patman hasn't even untied one of their bikini tops! He could write about Robin, but she's a brunette and used to be fat.

Jessica says she's getting ready for the most important thing in her life, winning football queen, a.k.a. Miss Sweet Valley High. She thinks she'll get it because the team is in love with her because she's dated all of them. No, really, she says that. Well, she hasn't dated anyone who isn't first string. Jessica is a classy ho like that. Jess tells Liz to rip up the other candidates' pictures when she writes an article on the event for the Oracle, and only feature her. Liz refuses.

Lila deigns to speak to lowly Elizabeth the next day. She tells her about all the fun stuff she and Daddy Warbucks are doing, but he'll be leaving for a couple of months soon. Liz is disappointed in Mr. Fowler because without his attention Lila will start shoplifting again. Or so she thinks, since this incident is never spoken of in any other book.

The competition for Miss Sweet Valley High is mainly between Jessica and Robin. Robin puts up a sign that says that PBA is forbidding any member to compete for the title, and that they blackballed her so everyone should vote for her, or something like that. The PBAs deny it, and it's a stupid sign anyway. Shut up, Robin. On voting day the football team's offensive line carries a sign that says "Jessica Is Just Right." Dumb! The defensive line has a sign that says "Robin Has Us Throbbin'." That is so dirty I don't know where to begin. The results will be announced at their homecoming game the next day.

At the game, Jessica is practicing her acceptance speech in her head when they announce the winner - Robin Wilson. Holy fuck, another time that a Wakefield twin was denied something they wanted?!!? The world will come to an end! It's tradition for Miss Sweet Valley High to ride around the track in a limo and wave, but Robin asks her shadow, Bruce, if he'll drive her in 1bruce1. He agrees, and then she announces that she would like Allen Walters to be her escort. Owned! Bruce is miserable. Elizabeth, who spotted the busy newspaper editor (he's preparing for the next book, where a college student with a porn 'stache molests Jessica) and offered to write an article for him, takes tons of pictures of Bruce driving Robin and Allen and laughs at him. She gets her story published, and all is well.

I love how the older books tied into the next one. Jessica is bitching about how all her friends are so juvenile, because someone who throws more temper tantrums than a two year old obviously isn't. Elizabeth tells her she better not be hanging out with the college crowd at the beach, and Jessica says Mr. Porn 'Stache is interested in her and leaves. We end with Liz watching her, fearful for Jessica's virginity.

The perfect twins, with bleach blonde hair and bushy black eyebrows. Hot! Also, it looks as if Elizabeth's balding a little.

Here's to You, Rachel Robinson

2008-03-03T12:30:00.008-06:00

If you haven't read this book, I know what you're thinking. A book about the most unlikeable of the three girls in Just as Long as We're Together? You'd think it would be sucktastic, but instead this gives a better look into Rachel, and you come out sympathizing with her and even liking her. To me, that's the mark of a good author; taking an unlikeable character and making them likeable. It's how I feel about V.C. Andrews's Garden of Shadows. I never thought I'd like TG, but hearing things from her point of view gives FITA a whole new meaning when you re-read it. Same goes for here, I may have been hard on Rachel in my JALAWT recap, but this book made me understand her actions in that book a lot more.

The book starts off with Rachel daydreaming in English class. Her parents are at a meeting at her older brother Charles's boarding school to see if he's getting kicked out or not. The teacher asks a question, and Rachel's old crush Max gives a dumbass answer, so the teacher instead calls on Rachel. Rachel thinks to herself that she hates when teachers call on her even when she hasn't raised her hand just because they know she knows the answer. Of course, she does know the correct answer, and Ms. Lefferts, their teacher, gives them an assignment: to write their biographies from birth to death. This should be good!

Rachel starts writing her biography in her next class, in which there's a study hall. It's pretty standard in the beginning, and it says that she realized she was different in the first grade, when she was finishing up all the Beverly Cleary and Little House books as her classmates were still learning to read. Hey, me too! By first grade I had read most of the older BSC and SVH books. Am I a genius? Janine says no.

Rachel sees Stephanie in the hallway after class. Stephanie asks her what's wrong because she's clenching her jaw again. Ouch! Rachel's dentist gave her a retainer to wear at night to get her to stop clenching her jaw, but she lost it. Oops. Steph asks if she got an A minus or something. I love you, Steph. They meet Alison at their lunch table and Rachel tells them about Charles possibly coming home and how much he sucks. Alison doesn't get why he sucks, and Rachel tells her he just does. I can tell you why he sucks, but I'll wait until later on in the book.

Rachel comes home from school to find her cousin, Tarren, and Tarren's baby son, Roddy. Tarren is divorced and in college, and idolizes Rachel's mom, Nell. Nell asked Tarren to stay with Rachel and her older sister, Jessica, for the night because it's Jessica's junior prom. Tarren shows off her new camera, talks about how amazing Nell is, and whines about how hard she has it as a single mom and a college student. I don't really like Tarren, but I can't pinpoint a reason why. Maybe because her lips are so firmly planted on Nell's ass.

Jessica comes downstairs in a magenta taffeta prom dress. Rachel says they could be twins if it wasn't for Jessica's cystic acne. Poor Jessica, that's even worse than being fat because if you're fat there's always the hope to lose weight or an outfit that can make you look thinner, but with cystic acne you'd need prescriptions to get rid of it, and even that doesn't work sometimes. Plus you can't really hide your face. Anyway, Tarren takes a buttload of pics, and then goes off to the library to pick up some books for a paper. Jessica runs back upstairs and then comes back down with Nell's slinky black dress and dark lipstick on. Sexy! Jessica tells Rachel not to shit her pants, because they already have pictures of her in the other dress. Her friends come to pick her up and she leaves.

Rachel thinks about how nice her homelife had been without Charles. The night before, Nell announced that she was nominated for judgeship. The first words out of Rachel's dad Victor's mouth are, "I've always wanted to make it with a judge!" Put your boner away, Victor, you're at the dinner table! Everyone's all happy for her and everything, and then after dinner they get the phone call from Charles's school. Way to ruin the mood, Charles. Rachel is scared because the last time they got a call from Charles's school he had stolen a teacher's scooter and been in a minor accident. Everything's fine with him this time, he's just being an a-hole and won't turn in any homework or take any exams. Why? If he hates school so much, wouldn't he want to get out of there instead of repeating a bunch of grades? Charles is stupid. Nell and Victor make their plans to go to Charles's school and meet with his principal. Rachel is worried and stressed, so she goes to her room and plays her flute to escape.

Now we're at the day after the prom, and Alison, Steph, and Rachel are hanging out. Alison asks about Charles again, and Steph says he's funny and hot. Rachel is grossed out by the thought of her brother being hot, because her name isn't Cathy. Steph asks if Charles will be attending their school if he comes home, which gives Rachel another thing to worry about. They watch some movies and then Rachel looks out the window and sees her dad's car in her driveway. She decides to go home and see what's up.

No one is around when Rachel come in, so she heads up to her room. She finds Charles sitting at her desk reading her later portion of her biography, her fictional adult life. Rachel doesn't react at first, and instead remembers how her grandfather once said that it was too bad Charles got all the looks in the family. Rachel was incredibly hurt by that, and I would be too. Grandpa Robinson's a jerk. Charles notices her and starts reading out loud Rachel's stupid future careers: discovering a vaccine to prevent hairballs in lions, being a famous musician, and becoming a famous Shakesperian actress. Charles gets to the part about Rachel's son, named Toledo, and asks why she named her kid after a town in Ohio. Rachel screams that it's in Spain, and I wonder why someone would name their son Toledo anyway. Rachel attacks Charles, digging her nails into his arm, and he says if she doesn't quit he'll rip up her biography. Rachel stops because she hasn't entered it into the computer yet and it's her only copy. Charles asks if she's surprised to see him, and she asks him when he's going back. He tells her he was expelled, and then looks around her room and says he might decide to move in there. Rachel is pissed because Charles used to have her room while she and Jessica shared, but Charles decided to move to a smaller room on the first floor, so Rachel got his old room. If they had three bedrooms to begin with, why did Jessica and Rachel need to share?

Nell made Charles's favorite dinner. Shouldn't he be in trouble? Charles says he thinks he might drop out of school for awhile and get a job. Victor says that's not an option, and Rachel says you need to be 16 to drop out anyway, and Charles is still 15 until next school year. Nell says it's just a matter of finding the right school for him, and Charles says he's allergic to school. Send his ass to military school! Put him on Maury! Do anything!

After dinner the family sits together in the living room and Jessica passes around her prom pictures. Charles asks her if the kids call her Pizza Face or Jess the Mess. Jessica calls him an asshole and says she wishes he was never born and leaves. Victor tells Charles to start acting like a family, and he says that he's trying but his sister's are just too sensitive. He is an asshole.

Rachel lays in her bed later on and listens to the sound of Jessica crying in the next room. Poor Jess! Rachel doesn't understand how Charles can be so cruel. Cystic acne runs in their family on both sides, and Rachel feels nothing put pity for Jessica and admiration that she still faces everyone who taunts her every day.

Rachel had trouble falling asleep that night, and wakes up super early all stressed out. She heads downstairs to make herself some breakfast to help calm down, and Charles comes into the kitchen. He starts pulling out pots and pans and says he's going to make their mom breakfast because it's Mother's Day. He makes a kickass coffee cake, and Jessica comes downstairs and tells Rachel he's a hypocrite for trying to celebrate Mother's Day. Nell, however, is impressed by Charles's cooking, and Charles says maybe he'll get a job as a baker. Nell says that would be a wonderful summer job, and Charles says he wasn't talking about just for the summer. Nell tells him she doesn't want to go through this again, and Rachel leaves to go practice her flute. Nell tells them to be ready by eleven so they can go visit her mother in the nursing home.

Rachel remembers when her Grandpa Robinson died her father took to bed for 6 weeks. It was very scary to Rachel, who began getting physical pain from the tension. One day her dad got out of bed and said he wanted to be a teacher instead of a lawyer. He went back to school, got his degree in education, and has been teaching history at the high school ever since. Rachel says they never talk about that time in their life. I think they definitely should.

At the nursing home Charles lies to their grandma and tells her how great everything is and stuff. He gets the passive aggressive insults in by saying that their family has to have perfection and be the best at everything. He basically acts like an asshole the whole time, until the family somberly leaves.

Monday morning at the bus stop Dana Carpenter comments on Charles being back. Even though she's dating Jeremy Dragon, she has the hots for Charles now. Rachel is stressed out and depressed, and snaps at Alison for asking about Charles some more. Stephanie says maybe Rachel should talk to the school counselor, which is definitely a great idea. Whoever said in the comments of the last book that Rachel is due to have a heart attack by age 20 is right. Bitch is a ticking time bomb.

The next morning, Rachel gets a note saying that the school counselor wants to see her. She's all pissed off, thinking that Steph or Alison blabbed, but it turns out she's just been chosen to participate in peer counseling, a program called Natural Helpers. Rachel is interested, and says she'll think about joining and get back to the counselor about it.

That night Rachel has too many worries to fall asleep. She's scared that she won't get chosen for Natural Helpers because her home life is so dysfunctional, and she still worries that Stephanie and Alison keep things from her and will one day leave her. She gets out of bed to make herself some tea to calm down, and finds Charles in the kitchen stuffing his face. Charles asks her why she has no friends, and Rachel says she does, but she doesn't want them around when he's there.

The next day Rachel invites Alison and Stephanie over after school. She gives them a whole list of stuff to not mention around Charles. He's not around when they first walk in, but soon comes out and starts his shit. Alison and Steph nearly fall all over themselves talking to him, and he passive aggessively insults Rachel, who gets mad and leaves. Steph and Alison don't follow her until after Charles is gone, and then they say that he's not that bad. Haven't we all been in that situation before? You know someone is subtly insulting you, but no one else picks up on it and says you're crazy for even thinking so. I hate shit like that, it's so frustrating. Steph says Rachel is being way too intense, and she and Alison leave. Rachel calms herself down by making sure her room is in order and playing her flute, because they are some of the only things she feels she can control in her life right now. We're lucky she doesn't develop an eating disorder or start cutting.

The whole family has been stressed out. Rachel gets her biography back from her English teacher, who says she didn't know Rachel was interested in acting. She invites her to join the Drama Club. Rachel wonders after school how she will ever have time for all of these activities. She's in the band, the orchestra, the debate team, Natural Helpers, takes a private flute lesson once a week, practices 45 minutes each day, and Steph also wants her to run for class president. She wishes she could be a regular person for awhile, but her mother always says it's a crime to waste potential. She tries to go to bed, but all of the possible problems concerning her commitments keep running through her head. She has a panic attack, and jumps out of bed. She calms herself down, and gets back into bed and tries to imagine a relaxing scene. She imagines a hot guy coming up to her on a beach and reading Shakespeare sonnets to her, and then kissing her without tongues because Rachel thinks French kissing is gross. It works, but she wakes up the next day with an ache in her jaw from clenching it.

She has a meeting the next day about Natural Helpers, and is scared when she sees that her family's therapist is there to talk to them about it. He doesn't say anything to her, and she feels better. After school she has a dentist appointment, and her dentist says she's been clenching her jaw again and grinding her teeth. He makes her a new retainer thing. She meets Steph outside and Steph tells her that Dana caught that man whore Jeremy Dragon in a supply closet with slutty Marcella, and they had a huge fight and Jeremy asked why it's okay for Dana to cheat but not him and all sorts of dramz. They're broken up now, obviously, and Rachel starts freaking out about the supply closet situation. Steph tells her to lighten up or else she won't make it to eighth grade. Hear, hear!

Alison is over at Rachel's afterwards, and Charles barges in and starts talking to her. She tells him she's adopted, and he says that he is, too. Rachel kicks him out and tells Alison he's lying. Alison says that since he's older than her she can't know that for sure. Rachel asks her dad later on if it's true, and it's not, of course. He says that maybe Charles is trying to flirt with Alison because he likes her, and Rachel naturally freaks out.

Charles now has a private tutor named Paul, who is in college. Rachel wants his nerdy bod. Thinking about him relaxes her, and makes her feel tons better. Tarren comes over later all crying and shit, and pushes a screaming Roddy off on Rachel. She whines to Nell how hard her life is because she just got a speeding ticket, and Nell gives her some woman empowering speech or some shit. Or just drive the speed limit.

Jessica is having difficulty finding a summer job because of her skin. She says one lady even told her to come back when her face clears up. What a bitch! You wouldn't tell someone in a wheelchair to come back when they can walk. Jessica says she's thinking of suing, and her parents think she actually has a point there. She asks Nell to represent her if she does, but Nell says as a judge she can't do that. Everyone is all surprised, and Nell says she heard that day. They all go apeshit with happiness. I have no idea where Charles is. There's happiness, shouldn't he be ruining it?

That weekend Alison and Rachel stay over at Steph's. Her mom has a date, and ordered in pizza for the girls and Bruce. She tells Rachel if Jessica is looking for a job to call her, because she'd love to have her at the travel agency. Steph is all pissed off that her mom is going on a date, but gets over it and she and Rachel watch Alison's mom's television show while Alison plays video games with Bruce. Rachel feels better after laughing along with the show.

Jessica was hired by Steph's mom, Rowena, and now thinks Rowena is the shit. She keeps going on and on about her, and Nell reminds her that she has an English paper and the PSATs coming up. Charles says it's not easy running her children's lives. Ass. Jessica talks about Rowena all week, and no one really listens until she says that Rowena thinks she should try Accutane. She says Rowena's nephew was on it and had no side effects and his acne cleared up in 6 weeks. Nell is against the idea of Jessica going on Accutane, and I have no idea why. Since Nell and Victor both had awful cystic acne growing up, wouldn't they understand? Wouldn't they do whatever it takes to help their daughter not suffer the way they suffered? Jessica feels the same way as me, and says Nell doesn't want her on it because she wants her to be a strong woman, because Nell always says her acne forced her to concentrate on studies and not socialize and helped her get where she is today. Nell says that she of all people sympathizes with Jessica.

Rachel is laying around the house waiting to talk to Paul when Tarren drops Roddy off and asks her to watch him for awhile. Tarren has a hot date! Rachel takes him for a walk by the pond, and Steph joins her. Steph asks if she can spend the night that weekend because her mom has another date, and Rachel says sure, and they'll have Alison over, too.

A few days later is Victor's birthday. They have a specail dinner at home for him, and Jessica and Rachel give him their gifts, and then Charles announces he has a special gift for him, too. He produces papers from a lawyer for a legal name change. Charles wants to change his last name back to their original last name that they had before their ancestors immigrated to America and it was changed on Ellis Island. Their real last name is Rybczynski, pronounced Rib-jin-ski. Charles is too cheap to buy a gift, just like Cathy. Victor is touched, but Nell is against it, saying that it's just another way for Charles to distance himself from the family. Victor signs the paper anyway, and Nell is pissed.

Rachel has her sleepover, and Charles starts blaring his music in his room. Rachel, followed by Steph and Alison, goes into his room to tell him to turn it down, and finds a bunch of people in there drinking beer and smoking pot. Two of the people are Dana Carpenter and Jeremy Dragon. Jeremy is surprised to see Rachel, because he didn't know Charles was her brother. Dana is all over Charles. Charles starts passive aggressively insulting Rachel again, and she leaves angrily. A little bit later in Rachel's room they hear Jeremy calling out for her. She lets him in and he asks if they want to play a game. They all play Monopoly, and I bet if Steph and Alison weren't there Jeremy Dragon would be showing Rachel that French kissing is actually awesome.

Rachel wakes up a little while later to see Steph staring out the window. Her mom's date's car is in the driveway, and Steph is upset because it's late and it has been there for awhile. She starts to cry, and Rachel comforts her. Steph feels better and goes to sleep. Rachel says she wishes she could just cry and have everything be better.

Dana tells Rachel Monday at the bus stop that it's all over between her and Jeremy. She tells Rachel to give Charles a chance. Um, Dana? She knows him a hell of a lot better than you, and most people act differently around their friends than they do their family. Shut up. Dana says Rachel needs to stop acting like a bitch, but I think it's the other way around. After school, Dana comes over to Rachel's house to see Charles. Rachel tells her that Charles is with his tutor until 5:30, and Dana asks if they take a break soon. Rachel says yes, and Dana says she'll ait until then. Rachel leaves her to wait on the front porch. Serves you right for calling her a bitch, Dana!

Rachel wins a big debate the same day Nell loses her last case before she becomes a judge. Nell is mega upset, and is laying down in her room alone when Rachel comes home. Rachel is scared that she'll take to bed like her father did. She's so nervous she can't even do her homework, and for the first time in her life doesn't.

The next day at school Rachel is called into the principal's office. She's scared because she thinks it's because she didn't do her math homework, but it's really because Rachel has been recommended for a program called Challenge, where gifted students are selected to take math and science courses at the local college for the next school year. Rachel is hesitant about signing up for the program because it will be just one more thing to set her apart from her peers. She decides not to show the permission slip to her parents yet, and hides it in her room.

Jessica has started Accutane, and her whole face is dry and peeling, and so far her only side effects are dry eyes and lips. Rachel hopes it will work for her quickly, and I do, too. Poor Jessica. Tarren comes over and nearly shits herself with glee when Nell asks if she would like to go with the family to her ceremony when she's sworn in as a judge. Tarren and Charles get into it, and Tarren starts going on about goals and life's obstacles and shit, and Charles says he has his own obstacles: his big sister, the potato head; his father, the wimp; and his mother, the ice queen. He is starting in on Rachel when Jessica interrupts and says she hates him. Nell yells at him too.

Rachel can't stop thinking about the dinner table scene later on, and it gives her an upset stomach. She goes downstairs to make some tea and again finds Charles in the kitchen. Rachel asks him about the things he said, and he says it's all true, and their family is pathetic and screwed up. Rachel tells him that he's the only pathetic and screwed up thing about them. He gives her the quote from Tolstoy about happy families, and is surprised that she hasn't read it yet because she has to be the best. Rachel says she lieks being the best at what she does, and asks him what he wants. He can't answer the question.

Rachel says it's become so tense around her house it's hard for them to eat dinner. Victor announces the next day at the table that they are going to begin to see a family therapist. Jessica doesn't know why she and Rachel have to see one since it's Charles that's the problem. Victor says they need to go as a family. They see the therapist a few days later, and Jessica and Rachel blame their problems on Charles. Charles, for once, doesn't have any witty comebacks. The therapist writes out a family contract with them that they are all to sign and follow.

Victor is taking his class to Ellis Island, and Jessica, Charles, and Rachel decide to go with. Rachel takes the train with Jessica on the way there instead of the school bus because of her carsickness. For some reason Paul comes too, but he takes the bus. Rachel, Charles, and Victor go to the computers and find their ancestors on it, and then Charles goes batshit crazy. He jumps up on some wall and starts reciting the poem on the Statue of Liberty and security starts going after him. He finally jumps down and cries while Victor hugs him. What the hell is wrong with that kid? When they're ready to go home, Rachel decides to test out these motion sickness bands Alison's mom gave to her, and takes the bus home. Paul sits next to her and falls asleep, and Rachel doesn't know if she didn't get sick because of the bands or because of Paul's presence. When they get off the bus Paul asks her to go to an outdoor symphony at the college with him. She accepts. Okay, so if he was asking her out like on a date, that is so gross because she's 13 and he's in college. Ugh.

Rachel dresses in a long skirt and a lightweight sweater set. Hot. Tarren is going to be at the concert, too, with her secret romance man. Paul takes her to the concert, and they watch the musicians and it's all great and stuff. Afterwards they see Tarren with a professor. Tarren's doing a teacher! She gets the shock of a lifetime when his wife comes up. Ouch. I hope she at least gets an A in his class. Tarren is all upset, so Paul takes her to a diner, and comforts her. They end up liking each other and ignoring Rachel. Paul takes Rachel home, and she's all depressed at how her night turned out. Her mom tells her there's a boy at the door for her, and she goes and finds Jeremy Dragon. Sweet! He stole his piece from the Monopoly set, and wants to give it back. Rachel didn't even notice that it was gone. They kiss a bunch, and Rachel practically has an orgasm. She asks him what the kisses mean, and he says it's nothing but a couple of kisses. Jeremy wants to be free to be a man whore.

Rachel goes over to Steph's the next day to tell her the big news. Steph is mega jealous, and glad to hear that Rachel felt something from the kisses. She's satisfied that Rachel's a normal person after all. A few days later Nell is sworn in as a judge. Tarren is there and keeps on thanking Rachel for introducing her to Paul. They've been seeing each other regularly. Rachel is still pissed at her.

Rachel says Charles has been less angry since Ellis Island, but is still an annoying asshole. Jessica tells Rachel she knows about the Challenge program from the older sibling of someone else who was selected, but she won't say anything to anyone if Rachel doesn't want her to. Dana acts like a bitch because Jeremy likes Rachel, but she doesn't care. Charles gets a summer job at a local bakery, and Steph, Alison, and Rachel go there one day. Steph lets it slip that Alison is going to run for class president the next year instead of Rachel, and Rachel is a little upset. Steph says they still want her help on the campaign, and Rachel says she'll have to see if she has time. Why do Steph and Alison still hang out with Rachel?

Rachel gets her things ready for music camp, and has one last encounter with Charles in the kitchen. However, this time instead of it being tense, they joke around with each other about how much Charles will miss her and she won't miss him. It almost seems as if it's a normal brother-sister relationship, and the book ends with the hope that it will become one.

I stole the cover from eBay because I didn't feel like scanning mine. Rachel is pretty gawky looking, as she's supposed to be, and definitely needs to lose the pleated khakis. You're 13, not 33, Rachel! Stephanie's pretty cute, though. I think Alison looked better on the last cover than this one.

Poll for March

2008-03-01T16:27:00.003-06:00

52% of you agreed that Watson made his millions by pimping out Stacey! She must be good.

So this month our questions is: Who's the biggest ho (and you can't say me!)?

Cathy - Now that we've had Petals on the Wind finally, we know the extent of Cathy's slut-tastic life. She's left a string of lovers behind her, all dead and 1 related, and doesn't think twice about giving herself as a birthday gift.

Stacey - Hey, you guys think that Watson pimped her out! Plus, she seemed to have a different boyfriend in just about every one of the earlier books. I'd say that Claudia had good ho potential, too, but I like her more than Stacey and she didn't turn tricks for Watson.

Jessica - Jessica may be the biggest ho in Sweet Valley, but is she the biggest one in our poll? Like Stacey, Jessica pretty much had a new boyfriend every week, and would even get second ones when she went on vacation. Francine Pascal's ghostwriter says Jessica's a virgin, but I don't believe it for a second.

Mrs. Pike - Mrs. Pike continued to have children (and lots of them!) after she gave birth to Mallory. I'm pretty sure any normal person would be scared to have any more, but Mrs. Pike was too broke from buying bologna and tennis balls for Daddy Stew to afford birth control.

Voting ends on April Fool's Day!

Petals on the Wind, Part 3

2008-02-27T10:33:00.004-06:00

There's an end in sight! This is Part 4 and Part 5 in the book, which are both relatively short, but loaded with crazy. Let's not waste any more time, and get to the snarking!

Cathy starts off this part with describing how much everyone loves Jory, who looks just like Julian. Chris, who wants to be Jory's father, tells Cathy they should get their own place. Fuck, Chris, how many times does she have to tell you she's not interested? Chris and Paul both want to be Jory's father, and spoil the hell out of him. Carrie has graduated high school and is working as Paul's secretary. She also spends a lot of time with Jory, but is sad because she thinks she's too small to have a baby of her own someday. Amy Roloff had 4 and she's shorter than you, Carrie! Paul wants to start doing Cathy again, but she says not with Chris in the house. Why not? Maybe he'd get the picture that you don't want him then. Probably not, though, if he hasn't gotten it by now.

Proving that he still doesn't get it, Chris pressures Cathy to move in with him again after he has finished his internship and has been accepted at a hospital that is not close. Cathy says if her life insurance policy would pay for Julian's death she could get her own place. Chris says she needs a good attorney. Then he says she can move in with him AGAIN and she turns him down AGAIN. She tells him to find someone else, and he says she is the only woman alive for him. Go fuck a corpse then, and leave your sister alone.

Cathy starts working as a dance instructor at Madame Marisha's, but soon finds it impossible to work with her. She finds out from her stalking that her mother is back in Bart's hometown (twin city to the town she's in), and decides that it's time for all her crazy plotting to lead to revenge. She also refuses to marry Paul, saying that Chris says she can't marry again until Carrie has. WTF is this, 10 Things I Hate About You? She decides she needs to move out on her own and find herself for awhile.

Cathy rents a small cottage halfway between the two cities, and sends off a blackmail letter to her mother demanding 1 million dollars. Cathy figures she's owed at least this, and I have to agree. Everyday she checks the mail to see if she's gotten her money, and everyday there's nothing there, so everyday she writes another letter. After waiting for a few months she gets the hint that the money's not goinhg to come, so she makes an appointment to see a local attorney, Bart Winslow. Yes, the same Bart Winslow her mother is now married to. She sluts up her clothes and he's in awe of her beauty, of course. He surprises her and tells her that he has seen her dance many times before, for his wife, who was not much interested in ballet before, never missed a performance she was in. Holy crap, Corinne was acting like a mother? Nah, maybe she was just trying to take credit for Cathy's success because Cathy wouldn't have been as good if she hadn't been locked up and had nothing to do but practice every day, and she wouldn't have been locked up if it wasn't for Corinne. Why didn't that crazy bitch have her own book? I would've loved to hear her logic. Anyway, Cathy tells him about her insurance problems, and he says he'll see what he can do. She then starts insulting him by saying that she bets his rich wife leads him around like a dog and some shit. Instead of throwing her bitchy ass out, he says he'll get the insurance money for her.

Bart keeps his word, and 10 days later comes into Cathy's dance studio with a check. She asks about payment and he says for her to be at dinner with him at 8, and to wear blue to match her eyes. I guess Corinne isn't giving up the goods any more. He leaves, and Cathy fights with Madame Marisha because now that she has money she can leave and go teach somewhere else. Madame Marisha doesn't want her to take Jory, who is now 3, away because she wants to teach him how to dance. Cathy says if Jory chooses to dance then she can teach him herself. Madame Marisha nearly pisses her pants at the thought of Jory not being forced to dance, and then they have a big huge fight and I don't really care.

Bart shows up at Cathy's place to take her out and is pleased that she's wearing blue. He takes her to a Chinese place and she starts insulting her mother by calling her stupid, old, and fat. Well, we know the stupid part is true, but we'll see about the others. Bart gets pissed and says he doesn't want to see her again and that he's setting up an office near Foxworth Hall. Cathy asks about his fee for taking care of her insurance matters, and he says he hasn't decided yet. It's a good thing Corinne is rich, because otherwise Bart wouldn't make any money if he collects all his fees like this one.

Cathy knows now that she needs to move near Foxworth Hall. For some reason, she makes Carrie go with her, even though she doesn't want to leave. She probably just wants a full time babysitter so she can go slut around in peace. Cathy decides not to see Bart again about his fee, and puts a check for $200 in the mail and leaves town.

Cathy finds a small house she can afford near Foxworth Hall, and buys a dance studio from a retiring instructor. I don't believe that she'd be that lucky to find a house near Foxworth Hall and a dance studio, but this is a V.C. Andrews book so believablity is of little importance. They settle in, and Carrie gets asked out on a date by a guy named Alex. Cathy asks if she accepted, and Carrie says no, because she's too little. Damn it, Carrie, he wouldn't have asked you out if he thought you were a freak! Cathy tells her to invite him to dinner, and then makes Carrie feel better by saying she'll invite Paul so that Alex won't want her instead. Dinner's great, and Carrie and Alex go off to the movies while Cathy and Paul settle down and are making out when the phone rings. Of course it's Chris, who has a sixth sense that tells him when to cockblock any one that's getting close to his sister. He yells at her for moving near Foxworth Hall and tells her she better not do anything vengeful. Um, Chris? Weren't you locked up for 3 years, too? Doesn't Cathy have a right to be pissed off? Also, shut up and leave your damn sister alone.

Carrie is in love and for once it's not depressing to read about her. She gets herself a pair of platform shoes and cuts her hair shorter so that it makes her head not look so big. Wouldn't she have grown into her head by now? Then one night she's back to being all poopy again. Cathy asks her what's wrong and she says Alex has asked her to marry him. Isn't that a good thing? You can bet my recaps would be a lot more forgiving if my boyfriend asked me to marry him. Cathy is confused too, and then Carrie continues and says that Alex also told her that he wanted to become a minister. She's sad because she thinks that once Alex finds out she's Devil's Spawn (thanks a lot for saying that one, TG) he won't love her. Also, Julian convinced her to fool around with him, and she thinks Alex won't approve of that. Um, don't tell him? Cathy says the same thing, and says that it's her fault for not warning Carrie about Julian, but she told him never to touch her and thought he would obey. Julian didn't take shit from anybody, remember? He probably did it out of spite. Carrie says she's evil, and Alex is never going to change and is going to hate her when he finds out everything. Cathy lists all her good qualities and gives her suggestions, but Carrie turns them all down and is set in her ways.

Carrie stops eating, and is all weak and depressed and just not fun. She should go out and buy some new platforms. New shoes always make me feel better! She asks Cathy to leave Jory with her while Cathy goes to her dance studio to teach. Cathy is hesitant, but does so. She calls Carrie a bunch to check on her, and Carrie assures her everything is okay. Cathy goes back to her teaching, and turns around to discover Bart Winslow staring at her. He says he's been looking for her, and she tells him her day is over at 5 and he can sit and wait until then. He pulls out one of Cathy's blackmail letters to her mother from his pocket and says they need to talk. Busted! He gives her his business card and says he'll be keeping close tabs on her, so she better not try to flee.

Afterwards, Cathy goes home and finds Carrie really sick and laying down. Carrie has stomach cramps and a temperature. A neighbor offers to watch Jory while Cathy takes her to the hospital. At the hospital, Cathy calls Paul and Chris, who come out immediately. Carrie says she has bruises, her hair has been falling out, she has stomach cramps, nausea, and diarrhea. If this was a Lurlene McDaniel book she'd definitely have leukemia, but this is V.C. Andrews, so instead she gives Cathy a letter she's written in which she confesses to coating a package of powdered sugar doughnuts with arsenic and eating them. Why didn't you try cinnamon, Carrie? It's a lot better on powdered sugar doughnuts than rat poison.

Carrie gets worse and worse, and Alex is by her side. He's a complete mess, and says that if God takes Carrie away from him he will lose all faith. Poor Alex. Cathy talks to Carrie to ask her what prompted her to poison herself, and Carrie tells her that she saw their mother on the street and ran up to her and Corinne said she didn't know her. Carrie decided that if her own mother couldn't love her, no one could. I wouldn't base that off of Corinne, Carrie, because she only loves herself. Carrie dies soon after, and instead of Cathy being pissed at herself for moving near Foxworth Hall in the first place, she's even more pissed at Corinne. She vows to make Corinne pay. I don't know why she's just sitting around and writing letters, all she'd have to do was tell everyone that Corinne was her mother and she'd get her revenge. After herself, Corinne loves money best, so it would hurt her big time to lose it all. Do it now before Corinne can spend more on see through negligees! Oh wait, Cathy doesn't possess any sort of logic or common sense, I forgot.

After Carrie is buried, Cathy can't seem to leave her grave. Chris comforts her and tells her Carrie will be fine and that others need Cathy at home. As Cathy leaves she notices a woman in black with a string of pearls around her neck, and realizes it's Corinne. She watches her leave and decides to speed up her plans for revenge. It's about damn time, Cathy! If Chris wasn't such a puss, they could've gotten their revenge long ago when they first made the key to get out of the attic. That's how it happened in the sucky movie version of FITA.

We're finally at Part 5 of the book! I'm so excited! Chris decides to work at the University of Virginia so he can be closer to Cathy, and for once it's Paul begging her to move in with him. Cathy is in high demand. She says no, of course, and returns with Jory to her little house near Foxworth Hall. She gets back into the routine of things, and does her best to avoid Bart. Bart finds her anyway in a diner, and says he read about Carrie's death and is sorry about it. He asks what killed her, and Cathy tells him to ask Corinne. He gets all pissed and pulls out the blackmail letter from his pocket again. Does he just carry it with him all the time or what? He asks what the hell they're about, and Cathy answers him using the same voice and mannerisms of Corinne. Bart asks if she's related to Corinne, since they look alike and sound alike and have some smilar mannerisms. Well, aren't those clues that they're related, dummy? Cathy says you could say that they're related. Bart asks about the blackmail letters again and asks why Corinne should give her a million dollars. Cathy tells him again to ask his wife, and he gets all pissed. He says that every time Corinne receives a letter she freaks out and runs and gets a photo album from a locked trunk and looks through it and cries. Cathy is shocked that Corinne kept their old photo album, and I am, too. Actually, on second thought, Corinne's pretty stupid, so keeping a photo album of her children when she's not supposed to have any sounds about right to me. Cathy lies to Bart and tells him that Malcolm Foxworth had an affair that produced 3 children, and Corinne is her half-aunt. You wuss, you just messed up your chance of ruining your mother's life! He accepts her lie and takes her out for a walk.

They flirt a bunch, and I really don't like Bart. He claims to love Corinne, but has no problem being a man whore. Bart starts talking about lying in bed and hearing beautiful music overhead and dreaming of a lovely young girl dancing to it. He than asks Cathy questions about her childhood, and she counters with questions about his. He tells her some crap we don't care about it and then says she didn't pay him the fee he had in mind. She said she mailed him a check, and he says he's not talking about money. They have a semi-violent make out session, and he says he'll collect the rest of his payment later. You know, if she had proof, she could sue him for this and cause shame to her mother. Cathy doesn't think about this, though.

Cathy has Jory at her dance studio, and he's dancing and mega proud of himself. Jory asks why he doesn't have a daddy. Because Mommy's a ho and trying to steal Grandma's man! Cathy tells him instead that his daddy is in Heaven. Chris stops by, and Jory asks him if he is his daddy, and Chris says no but he'd like to be. Lay off, sicko! Chris yells at Cathy a bunch and tells her to quit screwing around with Bart and leave him and Corinne alone. Cathy grows a pair and tells him she's a big girl and he can stay out of her life. Of course he doesn't, and just continues to yell at her some more. He invites himself over for the weekend, and she makes him sleep in Carrie's old room, thank God. He's sad and pervy, as usual. I really don't like Chris, especially in this book.

After Chris leaves, Cathy puts on a sexy jogging suit and starts running out in the woods near Foxworth Hall. Of course Bart catches up to her and she runs faster, making him chase her. This is all cool until the clumsy bitch trips and falls. I laughed so hard, guys. Bart says he's lonely because Corinne is at a beauty spa trying to lose weight and stuff. TG is in a wheelchair and can't talk and is completely helpless, and I'm sad. How can she do her favorite things now, like whipping people and calling them Devil's Spawn, packing up picnic baskets, and checking everything for sins? Poor TG. Cathy says she's lonely too, and Bart tells her to put Jory to bed early tonight because he's coming over for dinner. Way to invite yourself, Hornball Mc Rudes.

Cathy makes herself look hot for Bart, and gives him a scotch and a good dinner. They start dancing together afterwards and talking, and then Bart gets horny and decides to do Cathy, whether she wants to or not. He holds her down and undresses her, and the grabs her hand and forces her to pull down his zipper. I started laughing because the sex is described as "He entered, and had his too-quick satisfaction, and pulled out before I had any!" Hahahaha, Bart's a Premature Peter! Cathy throws him out, and he laughs at her and tells her what to cook for dinner the next night. He's pretty confident for a man who royally sucks in bed.

The next day, Cathy receives three dozen roses from Bart. She doesn't want them, but Jory does, so she keeps them for him. After picking Jory up from nursery school later, he tells her about one of his little friends whose mother slapped him for copping a feel. He touches Cathy there, because he's been hanging out with his uncle Chris too much, and is happy that she doesn't smack him. She says she loves him, and I'm just creeped out by the whole thing. She stops at the post office and Bart is in there. He asks her how she likes the roses and she says they suck. When she returns home, a box is delivered to her with a diamond rose inside and a not saying that perhaps she'll like that rose better. She doesn't.

That night, Cathy deliberately makes herself look ugly to show him that he can't control her. She wears old sweats and ties her hair up in a bun. Bart comes over and the diamond rose is on his plate. He doesn't really care because he's excited for the dinner he ordered her to make. She lifts the lid off the tray of food on the table, revealing a hot dog and a little bit of baked beans. She let the meal become cold, too. Bart's all like, "WTF is this, bitch?" and Cathy tells him that's what she and Jory ate earlier, and she saved some because if it was good enough for them it would be good enough for him. Bart is pissed, but eats it anyway. She hands him a box of animal crackers for dessert, and he angrily gobbles those down, too. He starts yelling at her for not cooking the meal he wanted or dressing up, and she tells him he can GTFO. He tells her he loves her, and this time they have good sex, including him sucking her toes. God, that's gross.

Bart and Cathy continue to meet and have sex, until one day he says Corinne will be returning soon. Cathy doesn't see what the big deal is, and neither does Bart's penis because he decides to keep on seeing her. A few days after that, Cathy uses the old key Chris made and walks into Foxworth Hall. The lock on the outside door is the same lock as a bedroom one? I'd think they'd have better security than that. Also, how did she not lose the key after they left? I'm surprised Julian didn't find it and destroy it. Cathy goes to TG's bedroom, where she is laying on a bed, unable to move. Cathy starts berating TG for not ever bringing them hot soup in the attic, and I say bitch should shut up because she's lucky she got fed so well (except for those 2 weeks). Cathy paces around the room and brings TG up to speed on what's going on with them; She was a famous ballerina, Chris is a pervy doctor, and Carrie's dead. She brings out a long braid of Carrie's hair that she had collected from the hospital because she couldn't bear to see it go. Cathy undresses TG, and looks at disgust at her body. She's old, Cathy, of course she won't look like a supermodel! There's lots of gross descriptions of a naked old woman, and it's all really unnecessary. Oh, and her vag is called a "mound of Venus." Seriously, someone find a V.C. Andrews book that says penis or vagina. Cathy rolls her over, and whips her once. It causes TG to piss herself and pass out. Cathy feels bad, and starts crying and cleans TG up and puts a salve on the welt. She runs out, grabs a candle, and puts about 6 or 7 drops of melted wax in what's left of TG's hair and then stops. She runs out again to leave, but remembers Carrie's hair, and runs back to the room to find TG staring at it with tears in her eyes. Cathy feels she has now gotten her revenge on TG. She should've just given her a hug and a kiss; TG loves whipping, but hates affection!

Bart comes over and brings Jory some cowboy boots and a poodle. Jory asks Bart if he is his daddy and Bart says no but he wishes he was. Bart tells Cathy that some sadistic idiot put wax in TG's hair and made a welt on her ass that won't heal. TG's circulation is bad because she can't walk, so she has to lay on her stomach for 2-4 hours every day to try to get the welt to heal. Bart's pissed, but not too pissed because he starts undressing Cathy and they have sex again. He tells Cathy later that Corinne has come back and looks hot again, and Cathy stops dressing and turns to him, and he decides she doesn't look that hot and does Cathy again.

Cathy is with Jory at the post office one day and her mother is there. Jory marches up to her and says hi and tells her she's pretty. That's the fastest way to Corinne's heart! He asks her if she dances, and she says no, and he says his mommy can teach her how. She says she's too old to learn, and Jory says she's not and then asks her if she has a little boy he can play with. She says she doesn't have any children, and Cathy steps in and says some women don't deserve children and grabs Jory's hand and leaves.

Cathy has missed a period, and is happy because being pregnant with Bart's child was part of her crazy ass master plan of ruining her mother's life. Her life would be ruined more if she lost all her money! Cathy says she'll tell Bart she's pregnant when she knows for sure.

I guess she knows for sure now, because she tells Bart at her house while calmly knitting baby booties. Bart freaks out, and says she said there was no need for precaution. Bart, you know Cathy's a crazy bitch, why would you believe her? Cathy tells him he has two options: he can divorce Corinne and have the child he's always wanted, or he can stay with her and Cathy will take the baby far away and he'll never get to know his child. This is so straight out of Maury, a woman getting pregnant to keep her boyfriend with her. It never works, ho! Bart can't decide what to do.

Cathy goes shopping and gives a dressmaker a sketch of a the same dress Corinne wore when she met Bart at the Christmas party Cathy and Chris had watched the first year they were locked up. She then gets her hair cut the same way her mother's had been. She forgot a few minor things, so a few days later she calls Chris up and asks if he'd like to go shopping with her. Chris says that until she quits screwing around with Bart Winslow he doesn't want to see her. Cathy - please stay with Bart forever.

Cathy gets ready for her special appearance at the annual Foxworth Christmas party. She has Jory's babysitter style her hair as her mother's had been, but her instructions are so ambiguous that I have no idea how it was done. She tells the babysitter to wave it back softly from her face and then catch it high at the crown with a cluster of curls and to make sure a few hang long enough to brush her shoulders. What? She gets dressed, puts on the same perfume as her mother, and is ready with everything except her jewelry. She gets that from Corinne's hidden jewelry box after she slips into Foxworth Hall using her magical wooden key. She wants to make her entrance at midnight, so she hangs out in the attic until then.

At midnight, she slowly descends the stairs into the ballroom. Her mother sees her and stares in shock. Cathy announces to everyone that she is Catherine Leigh Foxworth, the second child from the first marriage of Corinne Foxworth, and she is wearing the same gown her mother wore years ago when Cathy was 12, and watching the party from a hiding place. She says there is also her older brother, and her dead younger siblings, and they were all locked up in the room upstairs for 3 year before they escaped. Before she can say anything else, Bart announces that she is a famous ballerina who happens to look like Corinne, so he hired her to play this little joke to liven up the party. He then grabs her and makes her dance with him. He asks what the hell she's doing, and she asks him how she would know what dress Corinne wore and what she and Bart said to each other when they met if her story wasn't true. She tells him the combination of Corinne's jewelry box and all sorts of other crap, and Bart still doesn't believe her fully. Bart's stupid. Cathy pushes him away and reiterates her previous announcement to the crowd, only to be stopped this time by an angry Corinne. Bart grabs Corinne and Cathy and pulls them into the library. TG is in there, sitting in her wheelchair. What, TG can't go to the party? If she could move her arms she'd totally whip Corinne for not inviting her. Corinne keeps on denying everything, until Cathy tells her she has the birth certificates. Ruh-roh! Corinne admits to everything, even poisoning them with the arsenic doughnuts.

Here's the very best part of the book! Corinne turns everything that she did around to a pity fest for herself. I guess she's not so dumb after all, because it takes brains to come up with this. She says that her father knew about the kids and that he beat her and was mean to her all the time, and then actually has the nerves to tell Cathy that she thought she had it so tough being locked away and missing out on everything, but at least she wasn't being controlled by her father. Cathy and Bart both call bullshit on Corinne, saying how she could do whatever she wanted and Malcolm thought she was perfect and gave her everything. Oh, and he was way too frail to have ever beaten her. Bart says she sickens him, and Corinne thinks for a minute and then comes up with a new excuse. She poisoned the kids because she wanted them just to get a little sick so she could rush them to the hospital and then tell her mother that they had died. And then do what, dumbass? You live with your parents! Cathy again tells her she's full of shit, because Malcolm was long gone when Corinne started poisoning them. Shit! Corinne says that the butler knew everything and would tell and she'd lose her inheritance. Kill the butler then, not your kids! Cathy asks her what she really did with Cory's body, because no medical records show a boy of 8 dying and being buried around that month. Corinne says he died on the way to the hospital, so she threw the body into a ravine and covered it with sticks and leaves. Cathy says no, she always thought there was another way to get into the attic, and she moved one of the dressers in the room they had stayed in and there was a small room with a dead and rotting odor. Corinne can't come up with any more lies, and is now speechless.

The door to the library opens, and Chris walks in. He used his incest radar to find Cathy. Corinne thinks she's seeing the ghost of her first husband and starts apologizing and shit and Chris asks if she loved them so much why did she feed them arsenic. Corinne screams and runs out of the room. Bart asks Chris if he is Cathy's brother and if Corinne is their mother and Chris says yes, and she was once the mother to twins named Cory and Carrie, too. Bart asks if she had locked them in the attic, and Chris confirms it to be true. He then wishes TG a merry Christmas and tells Cathy they have to leave. Bart says she can't leave because she is pregnant with his baby, and "the blinders have been lifted from his eyes." Cheesy! Suddenly they smell smoke and realize the house is on fire. They escape and then Corinne starts bitching about TG being left in there and Bart runs back in for her. I have no idea why, no one liked TG except for me, and she was pretty close to death anyway. Corinne starts yelling at Cathy, and Chris comes to her defense. Corinne snaps and starts saying al the promises she used to say to Chris while they were in the attic, that it would only be a little while longer and they'd have all the riches of the world and that shit. A paramedic grabs her and throws her into the back of an ambulance. They take her away in a straitjacket.

Bart's body was found soon after clutching TG on the first floor. Both had died from smoke inhalation. Cathy watches the house burn to the ground, and then Chris remembers why he came to get her in the first place. Henny had a stroke and Paul had a heart attack while trying to save her. They leave and go to him.

Now we skip forward. Cathy has Bart's child, a boy she names Bart Winslow Sheffield. Jory is now 7, and Cathy is married to Paul, who is very weak and pretty much bedridden. Cathy says they didn't even have sex on their wedding night. Whatever shall she do? Paul must be on some crazy medication, because he tells Cathy that her sons need a father, and he won't be alive much longer so he can't be it. He tells her to be with Chris, and that Jory knows he is his uncle now but will soon forget and think he is his stepfather. It's not like he's a baby, a 7 year old won't just forget like that!

Cathy talks to Chris later while they take Bart and Jory fishing. She says that she and Paul had sex for the first time since they were married 3 years ago, and then asks if it's safe. Shouldn't you make sure it's safe before you do it? Chris says it is as long as it's not too intense. Cathy says they took it easy. Well, that doesn't sound like much fun! Apparently the boys think they have two dads, because Jory says just that. Weird. They go home to find Paul asleep on his front porch, just as he had been the first day they arrived. Cathy bathes the boys and then comes back to check on Paul and finds out he has died in his sleep.

Paul left everything to Cathy in his will, including the house, but if she should ever decide to sell the house his sister Amanda was to have the final bid. Cathy does sell it, but makes sure Amanda has to pay a lot for it. She and Chris move to California, where they raise Bart and Jory together as husband and wife. I think in another book it says that they are married, but it doesn't in this one. Every summer they visit people back east, like Madame Marisha and Madame Zolta. They also visit the graves of Bart, Julian, Paul, Henny, Carrie, and their father. Last they visit Corinne in the nuthouse, but Cathy can't see her because Corinne starts pulling out her hair and screaming and shit. She doesn't react well to Chris either because she thinks he's under Cathy's control. If she ever recovers she won't be charged with murder because Chris and Cathy both deny Cory ever existed. I don't understand why. Also, they never say what happened to her money.

Chris is all happy now that he gets to live with Cathy, but Cathy has done some weird ass things. She put two twin sized beds that were big enough for her sons up in the attic but doesn't remember doing it and wonders how they got there, and has purchased a picnic basket like the one TG used. Cathy says she's not like her mother and fears the worst in herself and would never lock away her sons, even if Jory someday remembered that Chris was really his uncle and told everyone. I think they should book a room for Cathy next to Corinne.

And so ends Petals on the Wind...finally! Man, that was a long ass book. Here's the front cover:

A little creepy because they're brother and sister, but not too bad. However, the inside cover, with it's obvious mistake, is mega creepy:

Chris totes wants to touch Cathy's boob. It's a mistake that Chris is even pictured, as he wasn't there when Cathy went to confront TG, but the biggest mistake is Carrie's presence, because she was dead by then! Maybe the artist didn't want to spoil the fact that she died, and if that's the case a different scene should've been picked. Also, TG scares the hell out of me.

Cover images taken from The V.C. Andrews Cover Gallery at http://www.madteaparty.dreamhosters.com/vca/index.php because I'm too lazy to go upstairs and scan my own.

Petals on the Wind, Part 2

2008-02-26T11:28:00.002-06:00

Let's continue our saga of sluttiness! For those reading along, this is the second half of Part 2 and all of Part 3 in the book. I left off at a really good part!

It's Paul's birthday! Cathy is planning a surprise party for him for when he arrives home from a business trip. She made a cake from scratch and everything. She says that she messed up the first cake, so she frosted it and gave it to the neighborhood kids. Was she just like, "Free cake!" while standing outside in a negligee? Chris has to be back at Duke early, so he can only stay a little while. Cathy primps herself all up and totally gives Chris another boner (6!) and makes Carrie jealous. They wait and wait for Paul while dinner dries out in the oven. Cathy is nervous, and if you get the parallelism, you know why. Chris leaves to go back to school and Cathy puts Carrie to bed. Paul comes in 3 hours late and Cathy rips him a new one. He says his flight was delayed, but that's no excuse for our ho. They sit down and eat, and Cathy brings out the cake she made for him. Paul grew a mustache for her while he was away because she kept on saying how much she liked them. Cathy questions Paul about a nurse at the hospital that wants to jump his bones, but he denies any involvement with her. Given Paul's previous cheating history, I'm not inclined to believe him, but oh well. Especially since, as blue828 pointed out, Cathy is a huge tease.

Paul asks about Julian, and Cathy says she only sometimes wants him. Poor Julian. Then she starts getting all crazy outside and dancing and shit and Paul grabs her and they make out. She says she didn't have enough money for a shiny silver Cadillac to give him for his birthday, so she decided to give him second best - herself. Cheapskate!

He keeps on resisting her, but gives in as soon as she touches his no-no place. Guys are so easily persuaded! They have sex, and Cathy doesn't know what the term "come" is, and the whole description of the encounter was totally written by a virgin, because let me tell you "hot juices spurting forth to pleasantly warm my insides five or six times" isn't happening. More like, "oh gross, I hope I can make it to the bathroom before this shit falls out and stains the sheets." Too much info? Sorry, guys. I really wish I hadn't read V.C. Andrews books before I had sex for the first time, so I would have had more realistic expectations. Anyway, the whole description in the book is gross. For all you V.C. Andrews fans out there, find me a book where the author actually says penis. I don't think one exists. It's like reading a passage written by a 12 year old who isn't comfortable using technical terms.

They lay in bed and Paul explains his dirty talk to the clueless Cathy, because clearly Chris didn't teach her everything. They continue having sex on a regular basis, mostly when Henny is out or has the day off so she doesn't know. Who cares about Henny, where is Carrie during all of this? Poor girl is forgotten all the time. After Thanksgiving, Cathy tells Paul she wants to go to Foxworth Hall for Christmas. You know, watch home movies with her mom, bake cookies with TG, that sort of thing. Well, she doesn't say that, but it would be totally awesome if she did. Can you imagine baking cookies with TG? "You can't mix butterscotch chips with peanut butter ones! Forty lashes!" I love TG. Back to the book, Chris freaks out and Carrie cries. I guess the trip is a no, then. TG sadly puts away her measuring cups and whip.

Since Paul is completely whipped, he takes them to Foxworth Hall anyway. Chris refuses to leave the train station, and when Carrie sees the house she starts screaming to go see their mother. They drive back to the train station, pick up Chris, and go home.

Paul is bathing Cathy a few days later - seriously - when it occurs to her that she should be ashamed of seducing her adoptive father. Paul tells her to look at him naked and that it's not sinful at all. Add that to the lines that teenage boys will say to get their girlfriends to have sex with them. They have sex a bunch, and Cathy describes Paul going down on her, and I wonder why the hell I ever decided to recap this particular series.

Julian is still pressuring Cathy to join his company in New York, and finally finally she decides to go. Seriously, it would pretty much be the best choice she could make for her dancing career. I mean, Center Stage didn't take place in South Carolina. Cathy graduates high school a semester early, and makes plans to leave. After making out with her brother and adoptive father, she finally gets on the damn plane. It's about time they quit talking and actually did something.

Cathy meets her new dance producer type thing, Madame Zolta. Add Zolta to the list of things B.Z. could stand for. Julian presents Cathy to her, and she goes about and feels Cathy up. I guess that's her way of saying hello. Cathy moves into an apartment with two other dancers in the company, Yolanda and April. Yolanda is a loud ass ho who likes to walk around naked, and April is very quiet and respectful. Of course we'll never hear about April again. Julian tells everyone in the company that he and Cathy are lovers, and Cathy is pissed. She still gets asked out on tons of dates by boys in the company, though. I find it odd that there are so many straight guys there. Madame Zolta continually picks on Cathy, and one day Cathy tells her to go to hell. It's totally awesome, and Madame Zolta feels the same way because she quiets down and respects Cathy now. She says a dancer without fire is no dancer at all.

Cathy gets chosen to be Clara in a televised Christmastime performance of The Nutcracker. She calls home to tell Paul and everyone is all excited. After they finish taping that August, dumb Yolanda sprains her ankle and Cathy takes over for her as Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. Madame Zolta recasts Julian as the prince, saying that they have a certain magic between them on stage. The audience loses their shit and loves it, and Julian kisses Cathy during their last curtain call. She's pissed at him for doing it, and he's pissed at her for not wanting him. Sorry, Julian, you'd have a better chance with her if Paul adopted you, too. At the after party, Cathy's family is there, and Chris dances with her and they argue about her not being with him, either. Cathy motions to Paul, who cuts in, and Chris walks right over to Yolanda. I guess we're supposed to be disappointed by that, but I'm happy that Chris is going to go for a girl that isn't his relative. Paul takes Cathy out to dinner where they check up on each other to see if there's any cheating going on, and then they go register at the nearest hotel (a different one from the one Chris, Carrie, and Henny are at) and go at it like rabbits for awhile. Paul proposes to Cathy, and she accepts. They decide to wait until Christmas to break the news to everyone else, mainly Chris.

Since Julian and Cathy are such great dancers, they begin to earn more money, and Julian threatens to leave the company and take Cathy with him so Madame Zolta sells him her Cadillac. Julian and Cathy go driving around New York in it, and again Julian comes on to her. He says that she's scared because she's still a virgin, and he'll be gentle with her. Virgin?!!? Has he met Cathy? She resists him again, and he calls her a cocktease. Score 1 for blue828! Hekicks her ass out of his car and drives away, leaving her on the street. Go Julian! Cathy takes a cab back to her apartment, where she discovers that she left her purse in Julian's car. She runs upstairs and asks Yolanda for a quick loan, and she gives it to her with the promise that Cathy will do a favor for her. Cathy agrees and runs downstairs and pays the cabbie. Yolanda tells Cathy she wants her to invite Chris over the next weekend. Cathy freaks out and calls her a whore. Yolanda grabs her, and Cathy punches her in the face. It's pretty awesome. Cathy packs her shit up and leaves.

Cathy takes all her luggage to Julian's to demand for her purse back. Julian tells her that he's not dumb and he's seen the way she looks at Paul, and at Chris, too. He says he's never seen a brother and sister so in love with each other. Why couldn't Julian stay this cool? Cathy slaps him, even though everything he said was true, and Julian slaps her back. Julian doesn't take any shit! He holds her down, and Cathy thinks he's going to rape her, but he just tells her that she's his and he'll kill any man that comes between them. There goes all the coolness! He throws her purse at her, and she says she'll never dance with him again.

Cathy goes to Madame Zolta and explains why she can't live with Yolanda any more. Madame Zolta says Yolanda is just jealous of Cathy, but gives her a small raise and tells her where to find a cheap single apartment. Cathy scores one, and after a few days there writes another crazy letter to her mother. She also starts sending her mother any news clippings that come out about Cathy's performances. I hope Corinne shows them to TG.

Julian barges in Cathy's apartment one morning and says that Madame Zolta has announced that the company is going on tour in London! He very modestly says it's all because of Cathy's and his sensational dancing. He starts going on and on about the life he and Cathy could have together, but she tells him she doesn't love him and she's been engaged for some time now. Julian gets pissed and yells at her for leading him on (point 2!) and leaves. If Julian could just quit the woman beating, I'd totally love him.

Christmas time! Chris meets Cathy at the airport and tries to kiss her on the lips, but she turns her head and he gets her cheek. Denied! Cathy says they have the best Christmas they had ever had. Carrie seems happy, and has grown a little bit. On a side note, in my child psychology class we learned that children whose growth had been stunted because of their environment flourished greatly when placed in a healthier one. I wish this would happen for Carrie, but she's only grown an inch and a half. Chris gives Cathy a locket with a diamond chip on it and a love poem. Nerd. Paul gives her a grey fox coat. I'm not anti-fur for ethical reasons (not that I necessarily agree with it), I just think it's ugly. I picture Cathy looking like a tramp. An expensive tramp, but a tramp nonetheless. Chris is pissed about the coat, because he's jealous and knows something is going on between Paul and Cathy. Paul shows Cathy the new color TV he bought so that they didn't have to watch her Nutcracker performance in black and white. They all watch it together, and Chris tells Cathy that he can see that Julian is in love with her and she needs to turn him off fast. Chris needs to STFU because that's his sister, not his girlfriend.

Later on, Cathy and Paul have sex a bunch and then just as she's doing the walk of shame back to her room, Chris comes out of his. He's hurt, and Cathy feels bad. Why? It's your brother, not your ex boyfriend! Ugh, fucking incestuous kids these days.

The next day Chris tells Cathy to give Paul back the fur coat. But it's not his size! Chris says it makes Cathy look like a kept woman. Cathy tells him that she loves Paul and that they are planning on getting married. Chris is pissed as all hell and does not take the news very well.

Cathy takes a ring she bought for Carrie to the local jeweler to get it sized. Her mother walks in, and asks the jeweler for a recommendation for a gift for a young girl. Who the fuck could she be buying something for? Does she think Chris, Cathy, and Carrie are still in the attic? It wouldn't surprise me a bit, Corinne was never a quick one. Cathy crazily fantasizes for awhile in the store, and Paul comes in to take her home. You sure you want to deal with this crap for the rest of your life, Paul?

Cathy is dressing for dinner when Chris comes in and starts yelling at her and begging her not to marry Paul. He says they can go off and live together with Carrie, and don't need a sexual relationship. Yeah, right. Cathy says no, and Chris tells her that even Julian would be better for her than Paul because Paul will be old and dried up when Cathy is at her sexual peak. I find it highly inappropriate for Chris to be discussing his sister's sexual peak with her, but this is nothing compared to the inappropriateness of making out with her and feeling her up. Cathy tells him to stop being jealous because he's slept with other girls (really?) and she loves Paul and nothing will stop her from marrying him. Chris says that if he tells Paul about their relationship he won't want her. He tries to be all scary about this threat, but Cathy steals his glory and tells him she already has. Chris runs out of the room. Round 1 - Cathy!

Chris refuses to go out to dinner with the rest of the family, and instead stays home and pouts. Paul puts a two carat diamond on Cathy's finger, and I'm jealous. They dance together and Cathy believes they will be happy forever.

Cathy goes back to her dance company, and everyone is working their asses off. Julian yells at her during practice for not doing some steps right, but it's all his fault. Cathy is supposed to fall back and have Julian catch her, but since he's a woman beater, she doesn't trust him now. Oh, and it is also said that Julian is wearing only a loin cloth. Does that mean everyone gets an eyeful of his junk when he does turns? They keep on practicing, and she still can't trust him, and he yells at her some more. He tells her that even if he hated her, he wouldn't let her fall, and he doesn't hate her yet. Good to know. At performance time, Madame Zolta notices Yolanda, who has the female lead, looking all weird. She sniffs her out like Gruff McGruff and smells weed on her. She says that no dancer of hers is going to go out high and cheat the audience out of a good performance, so she sends Cathy to dance the lead in her place. Yolanda's pissed, and Cathy and Julian are once again amazing together.

After the show, Madame Zolta says there is a woman who flew in just to see Cathy. Cathy meets her, and the woman coldly says that she's pretty and an exceptional dancer. She says Cathy has a nice fur coat, and says that she supposes her brother gave it to her. She is Paul's sister, Amanda. Amanda tells Cathy that she's not Paul's first little playmate, though he's never given a fur coat and a diamond to the others before. She tells Cathy that Paul likes his women young, and that he'll tire of Cathy when she begins to grow old. He'll be dead by then, he was 41 when she was 17! Amanda also says their affair is being greatly gossiped about, and ruining Paul's career. I can see that. Cathy tells her to GTFO, and Amanda says something about Julia, Paul's first wife. Cathy says that Julia was no wife to Paul, and Amanda says that Julia was the sweetest girl ever and just couldn't give him all the sex he wanted and the kind if sex he wanted. What kind of sex did he want? She says that Paul put a baby in Cathy, and her D&C was an abortion of a two headed embryo that he keeps in a jar on his desk. What. The. Fuck? She says that it's a sin for Cathy to be screwing around with a married man, and Cathy says that Paul's a widower. Amanda tells her that though Scotty drowned that day Julia lives on in an institution. She then hands Cathy some pictures to prove it, and tells her to marry her dance partner instead because he's obviously in love with her.

Cathy goes to an after party with Julian, and gets drunk. Julian tells her he loves her and that he's never had a virgin before. Cathy tells him she's not a virgin, but Julian insists she is. Okay, Julian, whatever you say. She says he can have her for one night only. What about Paul? Julian wants her right then, but she says she's drunk and can't. He says she said yes and now she's his forever. What part of one night didn't Julian understand?

Cathy and Julian are married a few days later. What part of one night didn't Cathy understand? Julian is super happy but Cathy is depressed. Why did you marry him if you know you don't love him? Stupid ho didn't even talk to Paul and give him a chance to explain things! Julian does eventually make her want him, because he's damn good in bed. At least Cathy has that going for her.

They go off to London with the dance company, and Julian is annoying as all hell. He doesn't leave Cathy alone ever, even demanding on being in the bathroom with her. I bet eating a Crave Case full of White Castles will get him out of the bathroom with her real quick. He also endlessly questions her about her past and everything, as if she can't even have any privacy in her own head. He asks why she finally decided to marry him, and she yells at him and says that he was bugging her all the time and he said she could learn to love him, but she doesn't and she's made a mistake. Julian cries, and Cathy feels bad and tells him to just take things slower and let her come to him.

Soon Cathy and Julian fly to South Carolina to visit her family. She hasn't told Paul about her marriage yet, even though it's been months. When the hell was she going to tell him, their planned wedding day? She has Julian wait in the car, but loses her nerve about telling Paul about the marriage. Julian comes in and they all have a very tense and uncomfortable dinner, and Cathy and Paul talk in private later on. She tells him about Amanda's visit and asks him why he didn't tell her about Julia still being alive. He doesn't really give a reason why he never told her, but says that Julia finally died a month after he and Cathy started having sex. He also says that Cathy did not have an abortion, and the freak baby he has in a jar on his desk is nothing more than an old joke from med school. Cathy is emotionless and tells Paul she can't marry him because after Amanda's visit she married Julian. That's why you should've talked to Paul before going off with Julian, stupid! Paul is understandably very upset.

Cathy receives word that her old dance teacher and Julian's father, Georges, is on his deathbed. Julian knew of this, but didn't say anything because he resents his father. Cathy drags him to the hospital to see him. Georges dies soon after, and Madame Marisha gives Cathy some advice on loving and living with Julian. Basically she has to ignore his temper, violence, and jealousy, and love him more for it. Right.

Chris comes home for break, and is mega pissed that Cathy married Julian. You told her to do it, asshole! Chris decides that Paul wasn't so bad. Maybe you could've told her that before, instead of pouting that she wasn't marrying you. Carrie starts yelling at Cathy for hurting Paul, and tells her to leave because no one wants her there. Go Carrie! Cathy and Paul talk later, and she says she should've waited and talked to him about the shit Amanda said before marrying Julian. Duh! She tries to give him the engagement ring back, but he tells her to keep it.

Cathy and Julian get an apartment together in New York, and Julian goes all batshit crazy. He says Carrie may come for visits, but he is always numero uno in Cathy's life. He also says he doesn't like the looks he sees Cathy giving Paul and Chris, so they can't visit ever. Instead of walking out, Cathy decides to deal with this shit and learn to love him. Yeah, okay.

Damn Part 2 of the book was long! Now we're starting Part 3, and Chris is visitn Cathy in New York while Julian is at a rehearsal. Julian is pissed as fuck when he comes back and tells Chris to get out and forget he ever had a sister. This doesn't seem so crazy when you think about the fact that Cathy and Chris are also ex lovers and Chris still wants Cathy hardcore. It's still pretty crazy though. Carrie comes to visit the summer she's 15, and is excited that she's finally wearing a bra. Cathy is sad that she's only four foot six, and wonders if Cory would've been the same. Julian says that Carrie has a fabulous face and that he might just kick out Cathy and marry her instead. Cathy is pissed, because she says they've had many arguments about Julian caring too much for very young girls. Julian's a total pedo, all obsessed with virginity and everything. Cathy is happy that there is one member of her family that Julian approves of, though.

Julian and Cathy have now been married for five years, and are in Spain on vacation. Cathy receives an invitation in the mail to Chris's graduation. Chris wrote a letter with it saying that he is the top of his class and he couldn't possibly accept his M.D. without her there to see it. Cathy and Julian are doing a taped performance of Giselle soon after the graduation, so she tells Julian she'll go and be back in plenty of time for the rehearsals. Julian throws a fit and tells her she's not going. They have a huge fight, and then Julian decides it's sexytime. Cathy pushes him away and tells him she's going whether he likes it or not. Julian says when they married he became her ruler, and will remain so until he kicks her out. Cathy closes her eyes and lets Julian do what he wants with her for awhile, but refuses to promise not to go. She says he can't hit her because a bruise will show on the tape, and he can't replace her because he's grown so accustomed to her weight and height while dancing. She also throws in his face his affairs with little girls, and he beats her up and gives her at least two black eyes. He says he's going to hide her passport and tell everyone at the taping that she's sick and can't make it, and then rapes her. Julian sucks now!

The next morning Cathy has breakfast prepared for Julian. He is happy and gobbles it all down, and after he's passed out from the buttload of sleeping pills Cathy had dumped in his coffee she searches for her passport. She finds it under the rug where he's hidden it, and leaves.

She has a great time with her family, and either her black eyes healed on the plane ride or everyone thinks she's going goth now, because no one mentions them. Chris tries to make out with her, and says he'll throw away his M.D. if she just stays with him. You wouldn't do it before when she wanted you to! She tells him to leave her alone. A few days later he hands her a newspaper that says that Yolanda is replacing her in Giselle and that it is rumored that she and Julian are splitting up. She visits Madame Marisha, who talks to her about Julian, and decides that she loves him after all. Chris flies with her to New York, and they immediately go to the rehearsals. Julian is fucking up because he's not accustomed to Yolanda's body, and Cathy secretly warms up backstage. She pushes Yolanda out of the way, and she and Julian fight all while performing the dance perfectly. Julian ends the fight by jumping and landing right on Cathy's toes, and leaves her collapsed on the stage in pain.

After a trip to the emergency room, Chris brings Cathy back to her apartment. She has 3 broken toes on her left foot, and 1 on her right. Her big toes were fine, so she's not in danger of having to quit dancing. At her apartment, everything that was hers is completely ruined. All her clothes are cut up, her vases smashed, jewelry hammered, and pictures slashed. Chris is pissed, but Cathy is so hopped up on pain pills that she's not surprised and just wants to sleep. When she wakes up Julian still hasn't returned, and Chris tells her to leave him and marry him instead. Goddamnit, Chris, knock it off! Cathy tells him that while she was visiting Paul's she had a doctor's appointment and found out she was pregnant. Chris is sad at first, but then tells Cathy again to leave Julian and be with him, and he'll be the father to her baby. Shut up, Chris. She says no, and falls back asleep. She is awakened by the telephone, and it's a nurse telling her that Julian has been in a car accident and she needs to come to the hospital right away.

Chris takes her to the hospital, and Julian is all sorts of fucked up. He has a broken neck, among other things, and is temporarily paralyzed. Yolanda, who was in the car with him, wasn't so lucky, and died. Cathy tells him she loves him and that she's having her baby, and he tells her to get rid of it. A few days later he kills himself by cutting his IV and letting air seep into his veins. Cathy says that she knew that if he couldn't dance he felt his life wasn't worth living.

A very depressed Cathy returns to Paul's at his insistence. He wants to make sure she's taken care of during her pregnancy. Cathy spends her days writing crazy letters to her mother and being waited on by everyone. She and Paul begin making out again, and Chris is pissed. Is he going to say that he liked Julian now, and she should've stayed married to him? Finally, on Valentine's Day, which also would've been her sixth wedding anniversary, Cathy gives birth to a baby boy who she names Julian Janus Marquet, but decides to call Jory. Paul asks why she wants to call him Jory, and Chris answers that if he had been blonde she would've called him Cory, but instead the J will be for Julian and the rest for Cory. Cathy is pleased that someone understands her crazy ass.

And so ends this day's section! Tomorrow will be the last two parts of the book, and then I'll be done! So keep checking back, because I know you're dying to find out what Cathy's crazy ass will do next, and who she'll do next.

Petals on the Wind, Part 1

2008-02-25T12:19:00.002-06:00

I know, I know. It's taken me a long time to do this, but here it is in all its glory. Well, the first part of its glory anyway. Since the different sections in this book are all uneven, I guess I'll be doing all of Part 1 and half of Part 2, in case you're reading along.

POTW picks up right where Flowers in the Attic left off. Chris, Cathy, and Carrie are on a bus on their way to Sarasota, Florida. Their goal is to become aerialists in the circus, since they spent so much time on the rafters in the attic. I recall exactly one time in FITA when Chris was on the rafters, but I'll go with it. Minor continuity issues like this aren't nearly as bad as stuff like changing the spelling of a character's name from book to book (I'm looking at you, Corinne and Gabrielle.).

Anyway, Carrie is sick and puking all over herself. Some asshole yells at the bus driver and says that they better get the sick kid off the bus. Look, I know it would be gross having to ride a bus with someone who is barfing, but they paid their ticket just like you. A huge black lady who is mute but can hear helps them and gives the bus driver directions to the house she cleans, where the man who owns it is a doctor. Somehow I don't think Jessi would approve of a black lady being fat and a housekeeper.

They get to the house and the doctor, Paul Sheffield, is sleeping on the porch. He wakes up and looks Carrie over. They tell him they are orphans, and he says Carrie needs to be hospitalized for at least two weeks. Guessing that they are lying about their parents being dead, he asks if they are still orphans now that they know it'll cost so much. Cathy breaks down and tells Paul their story, which is more unbelievable in synopsis form. Paul says he wants them to stay with him, as he has a huge ass house and the only person there besides himself is Henny, the housekeeper. They decide to stay until they get better.

Their first night there is difficult, as they haven't slept in separate rooms or beds in about 3 years. Cathy pushes together the two twin beds in the room she's sharing with Carrie to make one big bed, because Carrie threw a shit fit. She and Chris make out for a bit (I don't think I can do a boner count because there's waaaaaaay too many, but I'll try, so Boner #1) and then Chris goes off to his room. Cathy thinks she hears him calling her in the night, so she goes to his room and lays down, which he takes as a sign that it's now sexytime (#2), and she smacks him and tells him to stop. He asks why she came into his room if she didn't want some hot lovin'. Damn it, Chris, not everyone who enters your room wants to have sex with you! He tells her he's not made of steel (just one part!) and to not come into his room again. You'd think all the hours of TV would've taught him something about being able to distinguish between horniness and being scared, but whatevs.

Chris and Cathy have tests at the hospital because of their arsenic poisoning, and they're pretty much okay besides being anemic, pale, and underweight. Cathy also hasn't had her period in more than two months, but she says she's never been regular. She worries about being pregnant. Gross!

After a few weeks, the doctor talks them into staying. He is looking into them becoming his legal wards. He tells Cathy his sob story about his wife and young son, who both had died earlier. Chris and Cathy are hesitant about staying, but Carrie decides she wants to live there so they let an 8 year old decide their fate.

Paul takes the kids shopping for clothes that fit and stuff. Cathy gets a bra and makeup for the first time. Carrie screams bloody murder at the selection of clothes that would fit her, as they are all from the toddler section. Carrie wants red and purple clothes, not baby dresses. Paul solves this problem by getting a sewing machine and saying that Cathy can learn how to sew dresses for Carrie. Carrie has little faith in this, but allows Paul to buy her some dresses in the meantime. Cathy notices how every girl turns and stares at her brother. Must be the Prince Valiant haircut. Chris will soon be going off to a college prep school, Carrie will be at a nearby all girl's boarding school, and Cathy will be at the local high school. They are all nervous about being apart.

That night, Cathy can't sleep so she goes downstairs to gaze outside for awhile. She finds Chris there, and he takes this as an invitation to feel her up (3). She pulls away and he says she'll never be free of him. She kisses him and runs back to her room. What the fuck is wrong with these two? This is basically the main idea of Part 1, as it ends here.

Part 2 starts off with Christmas. The kids use the last of their stolen money to give Paul a robe and Henny a velvet dress in size 58. Holy shit, I've never seen a dress that big! Paul gives them tickets to see The Nutcracker, as performed by the Rosencoff School of Ballet. After the show, they go back stage to meet the dancers and the directors of the company. They are interested in Cathy, and Chris says she's better than any dancer he saw tonight, and that she taught herself to go on pointe. In all my years of dance classes I cannot imagine taking just the basics and then teaching myself the rest, especially while being locked up away from even seeing anything else. I call bullshit on her being so advanced and knowing everything. She gets an audition.

That night Cathy cries to Chris and says that she's out of practice. Can't she ever confide in Carrie? Chris is sick of being cockblocked. Ugh, they start making out and undressing each other (4) and Chris tells her they can go to his room and have sex but she says no because Paul might hear. He says Carrie can sleep through anything so they can do it in Cathy's room then. Sick, imagine waking up to your older brother and sister having sex! I'm sorry. She says she'll be with him forever if he gives up being a doctor. I have no idea why this matters. He says no, and carries her up to the room she shares with Carrie, where they get naked and roll around on the floor. He knocks into a bunch of food Cathy has hidden under the bed. He tells her he understands why she hid the food, and that if they just had sex one more time it would last him forever. I doubt it, and so does Cathy, who tells him no, because he's going to be a doctor and leave her. She won't give it up for him again unless he promises to never leave her. Yet she can become a prima ballerina and travel the world. I don't get Cathy's logic, but it becomes apparent in this book that she doesn't really have any.

Audition time! Cathy is dancing awesomely with one of the male dancers, Julian Marquet, until she gets a stomach cramp and starts bleeding all over the place. She sure made an impression! She wakes up in the hospital, where Chris tells her she had a D and C because her missed period must've clotted and then broken free. Gross. He tells her it was not a miscarriage, and she has nothing to worry about. I don't know if I believe him, but since there's no baby I'll let it slide. Cathy receives flowers from Madame Marisha, co-owner of the dance company, that tells her when to show up for class. She is excited about being accepted.

Carrie is nervous about going away to school, and Cathy gives her the parents and the baby from the dollhouse at Foxworth Hall. Carrie is happy to see them, and asks why they have to pretend their mother is dead. Cathy says it's just easier. The next day Chris leaves for his school, and before he leaves tells Cathy she's hot and she better not sleep with Paul. I'd say wtf if it wasn't a plausible command. You'll soon discover Cathy is a big old ho who amasses quite a collection of last names by the end of the book.

The night after Chris leaves, Cathy can't sleep again and goes downstairs to get some warm milk. Yuck. She finds Paul by the fire, and of course she's wearing a see through negligee, because V.C. Andrews women do not own pajama pants and a sweatshirt. He asks what's going on between her and Chris and she babbles on about how she danced in the attic and Chris would watch her (boner happened before, so doesn't count) and says that they did the best they could. Paul asks what the hell that means, and then Cathy goes all slut-nuts. She starts going on and on about how Paul undresses her with his eyes and rips open her negligee to bitch about the see through nightgown underneath and says that it was inappropriate for him to buy it for her. He laughs at her and starts feeling her up, but then stops and says it's wrong. Hey, Paul - tell Chris that. She says it's okay and that she's his whenever he wants her. They kiss, and then he throws her off again and says she's a child. She says he doesn't have to love her, and can just use her whenever he wants. Paul says no, and Cathy runs up to her room. If you think reading this recap of that was confusing, try reading the real thing on pages 69-76.

Cathy goes to school and then ballet class afterwards every day. Julian Marquet hangs around because he wants Cathy. Surprisingly, she's only easy towards inappropriate males, like her brother and her guardian, because she doesn't let Julian come on to her. There's more of Cathy and Paul making out and then pulling away, making out and then pulling away, and it's all pretty dumb. Will somebody just have sex with somebody already? All the male characters have a severe case of blue balls by now! Cathy goes on a date with Julian, who turns out to be Madame Marisha and Georges's (the other owner of the company) son, and he tries to get lucky in the car but she says no. He tries to get her to come dance with him at his company in New York, and she says she'll think about it. She goes home and talks to Chris, who is visiting for the weekend. He feels her up and stuff and then she pulls away. I am getting so sick of writing about that crap.

After Chris goes back to school Cathy puts on a negligee (what else?) and waits for Paul to come home. She plots her revenge against her mother for awhile. Her mother's new husband, Bart Winslow, just happens to be from the town that's a twin city to the town Paul's house is in, so Cathy has subscribed to all the local society newspapers so she can keep on eye on her mother. If you didn't think Cathy was crazy before, this should surely convince you. Paul finally comes home and after fighting and flirting, he tells her the whole story about his first wife, Julia. Julia had been abused by a cousin or something as a child and as a result never wanted to have sex with Paul. He raped her and she became pregnant and had their son, Scotty. Paul cheated on her tons and Julia found out and freaked out. What did you expect, Julia? She said she'd make him pay, and she definitely did by taking Scotty for a walk by the pond and holding herself and him underwater until they both drowned. Cathy is saddened by the story and offers sex as a condolence. One track mind, seriously. Paul resists, and Cathy goes to bed. She decides to devote herself to her dancing. I swear to God I'm not making any of this up.

Cathy plots some more against her mother, thinking about using the four birth certificates she found sewn into the lining of their suitcases and their old friends from the town they used to live in as evidence. Her crazy self is pleased, and she goes to sleep.

Cathy is turning sixteen, and is completely in love with herself. She puts on a sexy dress and does all of her makeup in preparation for her party and literally kisses her reflection in the mirror. Chris tells her it's not becoming to do that, and she whines that she's afraid no one will tell her how beautiful she looks so she has to tell herself. Chris takes the bait and tells her she's hot and makes out with her (5). I think I'm becoming desensitized to this shit. At her party, Julian hits on her, and she resists, so he says the hell with her and leaves. Julian doesn't put up with this wishy-washy shit, which gives him a big edge over Paul and Chris. After the party, Chris gets all jealous of Julian and accuses Cathy of being a ho who will sleep with someone to get an edge on her ballet career. Nah, but she'll do it as a form of repayment for her adoptive father. More love pledges and shit, but not enough to earn Chris boner #6.

Cathy puts together a scrapbook of society articles about her mother. She also visits the library and reads up on Bart Winslow's family. Why doesn't anyone commit this girl? Seriously, they were locked in an attic for three years and slowly poisoned by their mother and no one once suggested therapy?

Now we go into a story about Carrie. Yes, she's still alive, it's just that hos and pervs get the most attention in this book. Carrie's roommate at school sucks and everyone makes fun of her for being so small and having a giant head. A secret society of girls kidnap Carrie during the night and blindfold her and put her on the roof. She freaks out and inches her way back inside. Back at Paul's, Cathy receives a call that the teachers can't find Carrie. They go to the school and find her in the attic, still blindfolded, by a huge stacks of wooden crates. Her leg looks broken, and Cathy must pull her out quickly before the crates fall down. She gets her out and they take her away from the school and decide to enroll her in the public school at home. More importantly, Cathy made it through an entire chapter without slutting around.

Cathy the Crazy mails a mean letter to her mother. Carrie is teased at her new school for being short and deformed looking and this pisses Cathy off at her mother even more. How come Carrie ended up short and weird looking but Chris and Cathy didn't? They spend the summer with Cathy dancing, mailing letters to her mother, and building up her society scrapbook; Chris waiting tables at a restaurant and preparing to go to Duke; and Carrie wandering around being depressed and deformed. Sounds like loads of fun. Cathy sees their mother one day in a store but surprisingly doesn't do anything crazy. Actually, she gets mad at herself for not doing anything crazy and throws a paperweight in a store at a mirror, so I guess that kind of counts.

I'm about halfway through Part 2 of the book now, so I guess I'll end it here. Keep checking back tomorrow for the next part of our story! Will Cathy finally have sex with someone and quit being all talk? Will Chris realize that wanting his sister is gross? Will Carrie grow? Will Julian continue to be normal, and therefore awesome? Will Paul buy Cathy non-sheer pajamas? Anything is possible in a V.C. Andrews book!

Cover image will be shown at the end of the book, because there is a big spoilery mistake on it.

Girl Talk #10 Falling In Like

2008-02-20T14:00:00.005-06:00

I chose this book because of the cover. It always makes me laugh!

Allison has signed up to be a peer tutor at school. Her favorite teacher, Ms. Staats, thought it would be a good thing for her to do. Ms. Staats is also my favorite Bradley Junior High teacher, because her name is a palindrome. At lunch, Allison tells Katie, Randy, and Sabrina that she has received the name of who she will be tutoring. Sabrina almost wets her pants in anticipation, and asks who she is. Allison tells her that the she is a he, and Sabrina nearly faints in a puddle of her own urine. She says his name is Billy Dixon, and he is behind in almost every subject. She doesn't know who he is, but Randy does and says he's cool...for Acorn Falls. You see, if you didn't live in New York at one time and wear a black leather jacket and have a mullet, you are not universally cool. Sabrina says Billy's hot, but Allison doesn't want to hear a description of his looks. Where are the hormones, Allison? Sabrina starts telling Billy's dead mom sob story, but is interrupted by a crash in the caf. Some short boy had the nerve to be standing where a badass guy needed to walk, thus causing the badass to bump into him and drop his tray full of food. The short kid's reward was to be lifted up and shaken. That'll teach him to stand! Sabrina tells Allison that the badass was Billy Dixon, and Allison is now scared to meet him after school. I would be too, if his grades didn't improve after five minutes I'd be shaken!

After school, Allison approaches the classroom she's supposed to meet Billy in. He's already there listening to his Walkman (haha!) and doesn't hear her, so she has the opportunity to check him out. She says he reminds her of Randy, because they both dress in black, listen to Walkmans, have attitudes, and are men. Okay, maybe not the last one. He finally notices her, and says that he's waiting for his tutor so unless she's there to be tutored also she needs to GTFO. Allison says that she is his tutor, and Billy thinks she's lying because she's not a teacher. Allison - first thing you need to teach Billy is the definition of the word peer. Oh, wait, I didn't read far enough. She tells him that it's a peer tutoring program and that all the tutors are in the same class as their tutees. Allison starts to get down to business, and begins with math. Our favorite palindrome teacher gave her a list of all the shit she should help Billy with, so she starts with multiplying fractions. She does a problem, saying the steps out loud, and Billy ignores her. She gives the answer and Billy tells her she's wrong. Hahahaha! She double checks her work and is amazed that Billy was able to multiply fractions in his head, because she's an A student and can't do it. So? I got all A's in math and I can barely add in my head. Doesn't mean shit, Allison. Billy calls her dumb, which makes her cry, and he leaves. Allison resolves to be the best tutor ever and get Billy to care about his work. Right.

Allison goes to Fitzie's with the girls and tells them about her awful tutoring experience. She decides that Billy needs a more comfortable place to study in, since he obviously hates school. Like your bed? Sam comes into Fitzie's and blabs on about a bowling alley re-opening, and he and his friends challenge the girls to a game. Allison says she's never bowled before. Wasn't Bowling For Dummies one of the 100 books you read over the summer?

Allison tells her parents about tutoring Billy at dinner, and her mom thinks Billy needs a friend more than a teacher. Allison didn't sign up for the peer friendship program, dumbass. No word on if they were eating homemade cornbread. The next day at school, Palindrome tells her the classroom they were using is being occupied, so she has already told Billy to meet Allison in the library. She tells Allison Billy may be difficult, but she chose her as his tutor for a reason. A sexy reason!

After school, Billy meets Allison in the back of the library (hot!), and she says they should start with social studies because they have a test soon. Billy surprises her by knowing the answer to every question she's asked. However, he doesn't know anything about Squanto because their teacher didn't cover that in class. Allison says it was in the reading, and Billy says he hates reading. Allison reminds us yet again that she over 100 books last summer, and I'm still not impressed. They move on to math, and yet again Billy does the work really fast in his head. Allison asks him why he doesn't hand homework in if he knows how to do it, and he says it takes too long to write down the shit. Allison says he needs to hand something in, and he says that he tried handing in just the answers and the evil Miss Munson accused him of cheating and gave him a zero. Bitch! Allison says he needs to work on his study habits and needs to be in a place more comfortable, and tells him to meet her at her house the next day. Two tutoring sessions and she's already inviting him back to her place? She must've read An Introduction to Skank-tastic-ness last summer. Oh yeah, and Allison says that Billy gives her butterflies in her tummy...and moistness in her panties.

Allison comes home after school the next day to her mom taking fresh cookies out of the oven. I'm coming over! She sets up a study area in her dining room, and Billy arrives. He asks if this is where she studies, and she says she usually does on her window seat in her room. He says he's always wondered if window seats were comfortable. Dirty! Allison doesn't pick up on the come on, and says it's important to study where it's quiet and comfortable. Billy's boner disappears, and Allison says they'll start with math. She says she wants Billy to talk out solving the problem in his head, and she'll write it down for him so that his work is shown. They do some useless word problems, and then Allison says they should move on to English. Billy says hell to the naw, and Allison's mom interrupts to tell them she baked even more cookies and to come get some. I'm already there, Mrs. Cloud. Allison's little brother Charlie comes in his a book and asks Billy for help on some of the words. Billy makes up words, and Allison corrects him, so he gets mad and leaves. Allison's mom wonders if Billy's ever been tested for a reading disorder. Probably not, since he can't read a first grade book. Allison says she'll talk to Ms. Staats about it. I know this isn't unusual, but I'm amazed that kids can go from grade to grade and not know how to read. How is that not noticed by teachers?

Ms. Staats is at a teaching convention the next day, so Allison tries to look up reading disorders in the library. She doesn't find much. That evening it's time for the bowling match, and Allison is the scared. Allison sucks ass in her warm up game, and then Billy comes up and offers to help her. He just wants to touch her. He corrects her hand position, and she knocks down 6 pins. He stays and helps her the whole time, and I call shenanigans because that's totes cheating. One of Sam's friends agrees with me, and wants Billy to leave. They have an almost fight, and Allison turns around to bowl and gets her very first strike. When she turns around for a congratulatory makeout with Billy, he's gone.

At school, Allison finally gets to talk to Ms. Staats and she makes an appointment for Billy to see a reading specialist after school. Allison says it's really important for her to tell Billy about it, and Ms. Staats lets her. What is she going to say that Ms. Staats can't? Plus, I'm predicting now that Billy gets pissed off and doesn't show up for the appointment. Who wants to place a bet?

Allison decides to tell Billy at lunch. She spots him in the caf, and he is wearing a very non-badass outfit: tan pants, a white mock turtleneck, work boots, and a brown leather jacket.

She tells him about the appointment, and guess what? He's pissed and says he's not going! Duh!

Allison goes to Billy's house after school to try to make him listen to her. Billy's house needs a new paint job, porch, and screen door. Clearly, people who live in nice houses aren't dyslexic badasses. Billy's brother lets her in, and the house has threadbare carpet, garbage everywhere, and is just gross. Allison wants to pick up a spange and start cleaning, but then remembers she's there to see Billy. She finds him in the basement with his posse, listeing to heavy metal music. Allison's all uncomfortable around all the other guys, and says she feels like a bird in a poem she once wrote. The bird was in a glass cube, and wanted to go outside but just kept on flying into the walls of the cube. The fuck? The guys ask her what grade she's in, and one of them asks if that hag Munson is still teaching. Allison says yes, even though she doesn't think Miss Munson's a hag. What a kiss ass, Miss Munson's a total hag!

The guys continue to talk to her while Billy ignores her and plays pool, and then they all ask her to an upcoming dance. Gang bang! She says she has to leave to go help her mom with dinner (cornbread's not making itself!) and runs upstairs. As she's about to leave, an arm reaches out in front of her and slams the door shut. Billy creepily asks her why she's in such a hurry, and if this were a Lifetime movie she'd be dragged back downstairs by her hair and all the guys would have a turn. She'd go home and not tell anyone until it came out in a few weeks and there'd be a trial. The guys would call her a whore and say she wanted it, and if she won the case it would make her immediately healed, but if she lost the guys would come after her again and try to do her again, only this time someone would walk in and stop them and it would end with a black screen saying that Allison eventually healed and founded a rape center and the boys were all doing 10-20. I should totally start writing a Lifetime movie.

But this is Girl Talk, not Lifetime, so they stand there and look at each for a bit, with Allison near tears. Billy touches her face and leans in to kiss her, and Allison tells him to leave her alone and runs out.

Telephone Talk: Billy calls Allison and asks her out, Allison calls Randy and tells her, Randy calls Sabrina, and Sabrina calls Katie.

I guess the next day, Allison tells the girls that Billy tested as dyslexic and is going to be seeing a specialist one period a schoolday. Sabrina says then that they need to plan out stuff for Allison's date. Allison is scared, and they decide to do a run through with Katie as Billy. I guess using Randy would've been too obvious. Needless to say, the mock date doesn't help Allison's nervousness at all.

Date time! Allison's mom bought her a new sweater, which Allison wears tucked into her skirt. The book version of Mia Thermopolis screams in anguish. Billy dresses up for the date by wearing a collared shirt, jeans with no holes, and dress shoes. They go to Fitzie's, and there are no open tables so they sit with Billy's posse. Is Fitzie's the only restaurant in Acorn Falls? Billy holds Allison's hand as a way of symbolizing that the gang bang has been called off. He also totally pulls the whole sneakily putting his arms around her shoulders move. Smooth. They go to their movie, and hold hands throughout. Afterwards he takes her home and kisses her. On the cheek. Wuss.

Billy is totally Joe Isuzu wearing a Canadian tuxedo. I love how the background is lighter around their faces, like the drawings of them were thrown in as an afterthought. Also, doesn't it look like Allison's the bored one who hates school and Billy's the one trying to get her to study?

Heart Allison's outfit!

Girl Talk #13 The Winning Team

2008-02-19T14:07:00.011-06:00

My eBay package finally came! All the books look like they've never even been read, so I guess the seller really missed out. I'm going to start off with my favorite book, The Winning Team.

I guess I should start out with describing the 4 main characters. They're all seventh grade girls from Acorn Falls, Minnesota. I totally named my custom neighborhood in the Sims 2 Acorn Falls a few months ago. Anyway, we have Sabrina Wells, a short redhead with tons of energy; Randy Zak, a native New Yorker drummer with a spiky mullet; Katie Campbell, an interesting combination of a super preppy Type A and female hockey player; and Allison Cloud, a quiet Native American poet. That's pretty much the book's description of the girls, but mine's a little different:

Sabrina: Awesome all around, and has better clothes than Claudia. Yes, it's possible!

Randy: Totes tucks one back and irritates the shit out of me because she tries too hard to be weird.

Katie: Seems like she'd be annoying, but is actually pretty cool and relaxed.

Allison: Zzzzzzzz...oh, sorry. Allison is a non-emo poet, which really isn't all that funny and is quite boring. If you've read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants she's totally Lena, but without the love affair. They make a big ass deal about her reading 100 books the previous summer, but I was never impressed because I did that shit all the time.

Okay! We open with Sabrina daydreaming in her math class, taught by the evil Miss Munson. You guys remember when Disney's One Saturday Morning (five hours of summer once a weeeeeeeek!) first started and they had Mrs. Munger's Class, which was an old time class photo that they made talk? I picture Miss Munson as a thinner, angry version of Mrs. Munger (you can watch eps on YouTube). Either that, or she's the teacher from Jimmy Neutron, except mean. Fun fact: Stacey from the BSC show (Jessica Prunell) was one of the very first hosts of One Saturday Morning!

Getting back on track, Sabrina is daydreaming about the school elections, and Miss Munson catches her and rips her a new one. Miss Munson needs to get laid. Class ends, and Sabrina goes to the locker she shares with Katie, and we get our first outfit description. Sabrina reads in her favorite magazine that jean shorts over bright tights was now in, but she didn't have any jean shorts so she stole her older brother's baggy blue gym shorts and wore them over bright yellow tights. To make the outfit even sexier, she also wore a green shirt, red flats, and a purple cardigan. Sabrina is so hot.

I took way too much time to make that. No one else appreciates Sabrina's fashion sense, except Randy, who likes it but thinks it's a little bright. Randy is wearing a silver-green tunic with buttons up the front over black leggings and granny boots, and is carrying her signature black leather jacket. I'm not going to make a picture of it in Paint because it's just not as cool. Her hair is totally business in the front, party in the back, and spikes on top, though. I have to give her credit for purposely having a worse mullet than Karen Brewer's haircut from hell. Randy has balls...literally.

The girls head to lunch, and Sabrina has a cranberry-orange seltzer. She says she only drinks seltzer, and likes to rotate the flavors every day. What exactly is seltzer? Is it like Clearly Canadian? I love that shit. Randy eats radishes because she's weird, and Allison's grandma, who lives with her, has made her homemade cornbread and other "incredible" things. Yum. The most popular girl in their class and the principal's daughter, Stacy Hansen, is already starting to campaign for class president. Stacy's entourage consists of B.Z. Latimer (WTF could B.Z. stand for? Let me know what you think in the comments.), Laurel Spencer, and Eva Malone. Anyone running against Stacy doesn't stand a chance, because she always wins. Stacy reminds the girls of that fact, and Sabrina gets pissed. She stands on her chair and announces to the whole cafeteria that she's running for class president. Sweet!

The girls meet after school at Fitzie's, Acorn Falls's answer to the Dairi Burger. Stacy walks in and tries to psyche Sabrina out, but they just blow her off. They start planning things out for Sabrina's campaign. Katie will be her campaign secretary, Allison will be the presidential adviser (though they don't know what that means), and Randy will be her public relations manager, because she knows the most people at their junior high. They try and think of a good vice-president to run with her. Allison suggests a boy because it would be different, and Randy says Winslow Barton, who is a huge ass computer nerd (like my boyfriend!) that has a mega crush on Sabrina. They decide against him, and Sabrina's twin brother Sam walks in and starts teasing her. They do a Three Stooges act for awhile, and the other girls agree that Sam would be the perfect running mate. Sabrina's against it, but then finally reluctantly agrees. She starts shaking everyone's hands and telling them to vote for Sam and her, but then hears Stacy announce that she's buying everyone free ice cream cones, and to remember to vote Stacy Hansen for president. Buying your votes is cool!

Sabrina goes home and motivates herself by listening to the theme song from Rocky. She runs in place and gives the victory sign, and decides to use the song as her secret campaign weapon: her motivational theme song. She goes down to dinner and tries to act dignified, but Sam ends up accidentally spraying her with a mouthful of spaghetti and meatballs. She runs up to her room, and he comes up and apologizes to her and tells her he'll try to take things more seriously.

The next morning, Sabrina decides to dress more presidential. She goes for a red, white, and blue theme at first, but then changes her mind and tries to find clothes in her school colors, black and orange. She puts her hair in a low ponytail that she thinks makes her look like Paul Revere, and then puts on a black skirt. She doesn't own any solid orange tops, so she puts on a cotton blouse that has vegetables printed all over it. The tomatoes are kind of orange, and the eggplants are kind of black, so she goes with it. She then adds a too small pair of bright orange tights, and tries to decide on a pair of shoes. All of her black shoes are summery, and she can't wear her brown school shoes with her outfit, so she puts on a pair of black snow boots. Can you handle the hotness? Also, doesn't she have a school spirit shirt she could wear instead of the vegetable one? I'm sure her brothers would have at least one t-shirt or jersey or something.

She arrives at school, and none of her friends are digging her outfit. Stacy, by the way, is wearing a blue double breasted blazer with gold stripes on the sleeves and lapels, and a matching skirt. I'll bet anything she has shoulder pads on, too. Sam surprises Sabrina by wearing blue and white striped pants, a red t-shirt, and a homemade top hat with Uncle Sam on it that says "Uncle Sam Wants You To Vote Wells." Hot! Stacy shows her a ball point pen and says that by next week's pep rally the pen will say "Stacy For President" and every kid will have one. I don't think a pen will make people vote for you, Stacy. She asks what Sabrina is giving out, and Sabrina says it's a secret. It's a secret even to her!

After school they have a campaign meeting at Allison's. They decide that their platform should be that Sabrina and Sam are serious about Bradley Junior High and Stacy isn't. They make suggestions of all the shit they want to change, like better school trips, new gym equipment, and more interesting books for the library. Where are you going to get the money to do that, dummies? They decide to have a poster making meeting the weekend after the rally.

Rally time! Sabrina and Sam both go for a red, white, and blue theme, and Stacy and her posse are all wearing orange t-shirts with huge pics of her on the front and a tiny pic of her running mate, Eva, on the back with black leggings and orange and black striped leg warmers. So sexy. She's giving out her pens and basically being a huge two-faced bitch. Winslow Barton is nerding it up by going around and taking an opinion poll. One kid says he hopes Stacy gives out CDs next week because there's a new one he's been meaning to buy. Sabrina is sad until she remembers her secret weapon. She has Winslow tape her headphones over the microphone for the loudspeaker with gauze from the first aid kit (maybe they should add buying tape to their list of changes they want to make) so the theme from Rocky can be played throughout the whole school. Stacy's speech consists of a rap song that goes a little something like this:

If you want a good school president
And you want it one, two, three
Then you better vote for Hansen
Stacy, Stacy, Stacy!

That's it! No speech! Sabrina and Sam play her tape and rock out their speeches. They are super excited and feel they have a good chance of winning.

Now it's time for the poster making meeting at Sabrina's. She realizes that there is no food in the fridge, and creates lettuce, mustard, and ketchup sandwiches. Oh, Sabrina. Everyone comes over and makes fun of her shitty sandwiches. Allison should have brought over a tray of homemade cornbread. Bitch. They come up with some awesome slogans for the posters, like "All's Well That Ends Wells" and "Sabrina and Sam: Because Two Heads Are Better Than One" and the mega lame "Wells! Wells! Wells! For Head Of The Class." Sabrina does the best one after everyone leaves, a hot pink poster with "Sabrina Sparkles" in silver glitter. She accidentally glues her pants to her dad's new car, but pulls herself off with no damage. However, Sam comes in with the leaf blower, trips, and sends glue, glitter, and paint all over. Their dog, Cinnamon, runs in and gets the mess all over herself. Needless to say, they spend the rest of the weekend cleaning the garage and washing the car. They never quite get all the glitter out of their dog's fur, and now she leaves piles of glitter wherever she's been sitting.

At school Stacy is now giving out pins and has professionally made posters all over the school. Do junior high school principals make a lot? I can't understand where she's getting the money for all this crap. Stacy tells Sabrina that the race is all over because everyone is wearing her pins. Yeah, because that means anything. Sabrina and Sam don't know what to give out, since their dad owns a hardware store. Winslow suggests to use stuff from there, and they proclaim him a genius.

The next day, Allison hands out rolls of masking tape (the school did need some) and tells kids to stick with Sabrina and Sam. Katie has bracelets made out of plumbing washers and says "Don't be a drip! Vote for Sabrina and Sam!" They also have mini flashlights ("Don't Be Left In The Dark - Vote Wells"), tape measures ("Sabs and Sam Really Measure Up"), mini hand brooms ("Sabs and Sam Whisk Away The Competition"), wooden spoons ("Sabs and Sam Will Keep Bradley Cookin'"), and necklaces made out of steel nuts ("You're nuts if you don't vote for Sabrina and Sam!"). Sabrina says the kids all loved getting things they could really use. I don't think I'd be impressed by a mini hand broom or a wooden spoon in seventh grade. Now no one is wearing Stacy pins. These kids are so easily bribed. The girls think there's no way they'll lose now, and congratulate themselves at lunch by toasting each other with their food. Pizza toast?

At this point in the book we go to the Telephone Talk, which I always hated. It's basically the girls' phone conversations written in dialogue form. The whole chapter consists of them calling each other and talking about whether or not they'll win the election. It's hella boring.

Sabrina doesn't sleep very well the night before the election, and finally gives up and gets up early to get ready. She wears the outfit pictured on the cover, which is pretty hot, and her mom gives her the Bradley Junior High pin Sabrina's dad gave her when he asked her to go steady (Well, I heard they got pinned! I was hoping they would! Now they're living at last! Going steady for good!). Does that mean her parents have been together since junior high, or was her dad just lame enough to give his ninth grade+ girlfriend his junior high pin?

At school, it's time for their debates. Sabrina and Sam both rock it, and Stacy is out for blood afterwards. Eva says Sabrina and Sam are creeps and don't play fair. I guess Sabrina and Sam were supposed to act like they had the IQ and maturity level of a 3 year old in order for things to be fair. At lunch, the election results are announced over the loudspeaker, and of course Sabrina and Sam win. Did you honestly think they wouldn't? Kids love hardware jewelry!

I like when books have cover images of events that really happened, and Sabrina and Stacy's outfits are exactly as described. Oh, and Stacy must be pretty stupid, because I've never seen a 25 year old junior high student.

Tales of a former walking highlighter

BSC #50 Dawn's Big Date

BSC #4 Mary Anne Saves the Day

BSC VHS #3 Stacey's Big Break

Sweet Valley Confidential...What?

Nothing I ever write will ever top this

Vote here!

New Poll!

Yeah, I know

California Diaries #2 Sunny

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Stoned Ho (not really)

BSC VHS Dawn Saves The Trees

A Salute To A Truly Glamorous Ho

New Poll!

I'm an...adult?

WWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTT??????????!!!!!!!!!!!???????????

New Poll!

Lifestories: Families in Crisis

Worst blogger ever?

Girl Talk #11 Mixed Feelings

I suck.

BSC Little Sister #100 Karen's Book

I'm back, bitches.

Just like Mohawk Jo!

California Diaries #1 Dawn

Poll for May

BSC Little Sister #63 Karen's Movie *Now with inside pics!*

Procrastination Post

SVH Second Time Around

Full House Stephanie Getting Even With The Flamingoes

Discard shelf FTW!

Still love it!

Girl Talk #12 Drummer Girl

WHAT

BSC #111 Stacey's Secret Friend

I didn't abandon you, I swear!

OMG OMG OMG OMGGGGGG!!!!!

It's totes pop

What next?

Girl Talk #3 The New You

SVH #4 Power Play

Here's to You, Rachel Robinson

Poll for March

Petals on the Wind, Part 3

Petals on the Wind, Part 2

Petals on the Wind, Part 1

Girl Talk #10 Falling In Like

Girl Talk #13 The Winning Team

BSC Little Sister #63 Karen's Movie Now with inside pics!