Flowers in the Attic, Part 2

Night class cancelled! Since I said if it was cancelled I'd do the second half of FITA, and it was, I'm keeping my promise. Now, if school is cancelled tomorrow, I will do all of Petals on the Wind. Let's see if my bargaining works again!

I'm doing this post with my prized first edition hardcover FITA that I found at a thrift store in October for 50 cents. When I saw it, I gasped really loud and fell to my knees holding it. It's always a comedy going thrifting with me!

If anyone is reading along or anything, Part 1 was Part 1 of the book, and Part 2 is Part 2. I'm unimaginative. Let's begin!

We skip ahead to the next year, making their imprisonment totalling 2 years now. The Grandfather is still alive, but just barely, as he has been since they first came to Foxworth Hall. Part 2 of the book doesn't waste any time with details, on the second page we already get some naked weirdness!

Cathy says that she is a teenager now and has never seen her body naked. She also claims she's never seen a picture of a naked woman, which I find hard to believe. If Chris wants to be a doctor, surely he has an anatomy book somewhere. Plus Corinne wore a see through negligee in mourning, she probably went completely naked when happy. Whatever. Anyway, Cathy gets naked in the bedroom when her siblings are in the attic, and falls in love with herself. She does ballet positions and is pleased with how hot she looks. She turns around and sees Chris silently standing by the attic door in the dark closet. Creepy! Ooh, and Chris hard on 6! He stands there and checks her out from head to toe, while I throw up in my mouth. Cathy tells him to leave, and he just comes closer. She starts to dress and he tells her not to. Chris! Sister! Just then, the door swings open and it's The Grandmother! Oh noes!

The Grandmother freaks out, and come on, what grandmother wouldn't freak out at coming in on her grandson lustily staring at his naked sister? So, word, TG. She calls them sinners and shit, and leaves. She returns shortly with scissors, and tells Cathy she's going to cut off all her hair to teach her not to be so narcissistic. Cathy is all like hell to the naw because her father told her once he liked long hair on little girls, and ever since then she has greatly pampered her hair. Chris threatens TG, and she says that she will either cut Cathy's hair or they will have no food or milk for a week. She then changes her mind and says Chris has to do it, and it better be done when she returns. Okay, I know that hair is very important to a girl, but when it comes between cutting off your hair while you're locked in a room for a long time or feeding your family, I'd go for the haircut. It's not like Cathy has to go to school bald or anything. Tyra would so kick her out at elimination for not following through with the makeover.

That night Cathy has a weird dreamthat ends with her smelling tar. She wakes up feeling drugged, and her head is super heavy. Chris wakes up and sees that her hair is covered in tar. He finds a red mark on her arm where TG must've drugged her so she could do it. How did Carrie, who was sleeping next to her, not wake up? Damn it, Carrie!

Cathy and Chris try for hours to wash the tar out to no avail. While Cathy is in the tub Chris has to piss, but is embarrassed to do it in front of her. WTF, Chris, you weren't afraid to ogle her! He tells Cathy that maybe if she peed in the bathwater the ammonia might unglue her hair. Gross! I don't know if it worked or not, but after a few more hours they finally get all the tar out. Cathy lost a lot of hair in the process and what she had left was platinum blonde and broke easily. TG still hasn't brought any food, so Chris says that they'll cutt off the front part of Cathy's hair and she can wrap a towel around the rest so it looks like she's all bald. They do so, and just before Cathy goes to sleep she sees Chris staring at her and holding the hair he cut off. Hard on 7!

TG still doesn't bring any food, or clean linens, or toothpaste, or toilet paper. They have to rip pages out of old books and use that. Corinne hasn't shown up this whole time. The twins are crying for food, so Chris slashes his arm and makes them drink his blood. Ew! Even grosser, they take dead mice out of their mousetraps and skin them and prepare to eat them raw. My fat hamster, Pola, is like, "Incest boy say what?" and I can feel my mac and cheese start to come up. Chris goes down to the room to get salt and pepper, and returns with the picnic basket stuffed with food. They eat sparingly so they don't get sick, and discover four powdered sugar doughnuts in the basket. Don't eat them! They realize from their almost two weeks of starving that their mother doesn't give a shit about them. Um, shouldn't you have known this 2 years ago when she allowed you to be locked in one room? When they return to the bedroom, they find that every mirror has been smashed. TG knows how to get her point across.

After the twins are asleep one night, Chris and Cathy use a sheet ladder they made to climb down to the ground to go to the nearby lake and go swimming. Hmmm. If I was locked in a room for two years and starved and stuff and had a way out, would I go swimming and return? Fuck no, I'd leave and go to the po-po! Chris and Cathy would rather skinny dip and check each other out. Chris really does get a hard on this time, number 8, while Cathy watches. Ugh. Remind me never to eat before reading VCA books, kay?

They go back via the sheet ladder, which Cathy almost falls off of, and Chris says they shouldn't use it any more because Cathy doesn't have the strength in her arms to climb up it. How about you climb down it and then fucking leave? They wonder where Corinne is, because she's been gone over a month. Stripper convention?

Some time laterthe shit really hits the fan. Chris is standing at the window looking out, which is forbidden because someone might see him. TG comes in and yells at him. He gives her some 'tude, and she leaves and comes back with a whip. She takes him into the bathroom and whips him while Cathy screams. When she's done, Cathy won't stfu so she gets taken in the bathroom and whipped, too. The switch TG was using breaks, so she beats Cathy with a hairbrush until she blacks out. TG should totally be the new Supernanny, she'd whip those kids into shape in no time. Literally!

Chris and Cathy apply antiseptic to each other's wounds and then begin to make out while naked. Cathy feels Hard On 9 and tells him they have to stop. You're damn right you do! She says they will never have sex. I'd be relieved if I hadn't read the whole series before.

Cathy wakes up to Cory screaming. There a mouse caught in their traps, but it's still alive. Chris rescues it and makes a splint for its broken leg. Cory wants to keep it as a pet, and names it Mickey. TG comes in while Cathy is holding Mickey and keeping him warm, and disapproves of the pet. Cathy doesn't give a damn, and Chris takes a birdcage from the attic and wraps it with wire screening so Mickey can't escape, and they nurse him back to health. Mickey soon trusts them, and when he's well, leaves all the other mice and stays with them.

More time passes, and Cathy catches Chris measuring Little Chris. I think V.C. Andrews tried to write a good book in Part 1, but when Part 2 came around she was just like fuck it. They look at the twins and realize that they don't look much bigger than when they came to Foxworth Hall, except for their heads. They try to take the twins out on the roof for some sunlight, but the twins freak out and they have to bring them back in. They drag them to the schoolroom where they measured each other's heights when they first came, and Cathy cries when she sees that they've only grown two inches between ages four and seven.

They go down and eat some lunch and watch some soap operas, and Corinne finally strolls in. She was away in Europe. European stripper convention? Chris and Cathy let her have it, and she goes into poor little Corinne mode. She says that they live in a warm, safe room, and have good food to eat, toys to play with, and a TV. She tells them that her father is confined to his bed and the doctors have given him only a few more weeks left to live. I'm convinced that Malcolm is immortal. Bitch is never going to croak! Corinne cries some more and tells them that they are heartless and ungrateful children. It's very heartless and ungrateful to not appreciate being locked in one room for 2 years. She gives them presents and brags about all she's done for them, and then tells them that she won't come back until they can treat her with love and respect, and leaves. Well, I guess we're never seeing Corinne again!

Corinne is apparently stuck in a time warp, because she got them games and books appropriate for the ages they were when they first came, and most of the shit they already had from when she brought stuff before. Cathy has never worn a bra and Chris has never shaved, but Corinne apparently didn't realize that a 14 year old and a 17 year old would be needing those things. Cathy tries on the dresses Corinne brought for her, and none of them fit because they are little girl dresses with no darts in the bodice. Cathy throws a fit and runs up to the attic to do ballet to make herself feel better. She falls while dancing, and hurts her knee. She loses hope and contemplates jumping out the window, but figures Corinne wouldn't care if she did. Duh.

Ten days pass before Corinne comes back again, and she's pleased to see that they're pretending to forgive her. She says she has great news, and they ask if Malcolm has died. Corinne gets all pissed and says no. She tells them she got married and she was away in Europe on her honeymoon. They aren't too happy that she could forget their father like that, but she says they need to understand that she needed someone to love, and someone to love her. Um, Corinne? If you didn't lock your 4 kids in a room for 2 years, they'd love you! Stupid ho. She goes on and on about her new husband and where she picked up all their presents, and asks Cory and Carrie if they like their new toys. They answer her politely and coldly, and she moves on to the next detail of her honeymoon. Cathy asks her if she has told her new husband about them, and she says she will just as soon as her father dies. In other words, never.

Cathy gives Chris a haircut, which she says makes him look like Prince Valiant (I Google image searched it, and it's totes gay). He says he's going to cut her hair now, and chases her around the attic with the scissors. Didn't anyone ever teach them not to run with scissors? Apparently not, because he trips and cuts Cathy pretty badly. He patches her up on one of the old mattresses on the attic, and lays down with her, mad at himself for cutting her. They talk, and he has a hand under her shirt (number 10), and then starts kissing under there, and I puke. Where the fuck is TG when you need her?

They pass the days listening to Cory play his instruments, and Corinne doesn't show. She probably had to go buy some new clear heels or something. They need to escape, and try to think about ways to make a key. Hey, dummies, what about your rope ladder that you used to leave the house when you went swimming? Who cares if Cory and Carrie are afraid of being on the roof? It's kind of like the cutting Cathy's hair or starving the family for a week. Do you scare the twins for a little bit, or stay in a living hell? Seems like an easy decision to me! They decide that when Corinne comes back, they'll press her key into a bar of soap and then carve a copy of it from wood. Corinne finally comes, and is totally oblivious to their sick appearances and the twins' indifference to her. Chris makes the soap mold, and Cathy tells Corinne that they throw up often, have headaches, stomach cramps, and very little energy. She doesn't seem the least bit concerned, but what did you expect?

Chris spends the next few days making the key from a piece of very hard wood...no, not hard on number 11! He uses that type of wood so that the key won't break in the lock. He finally finishes, and they are super excited to see that it works. Chris decides that he is going to start stealing money from Corinne's room so that they'll have some when they escape. I bet it's all in dollar bills. He steals money from her and sees that she has fur trimmed negligees in her closet. Hot? Cathy comes with Chris one night and sees the fabulous swan bed for the first time. She tries on all of her mother's clothes and uses makeup for the first time, and Chris says she looks like a hooker. Well, it is Corinne's stuff she's using. She takes off all the crap, and sees an interesting book on their nightstand, How to Create Your Own Needlework Designs. She opens it up and it's a sex manual with the needlepoint dust jacket on it. She's shocked, and Chris comes over and looks (there's number 11!). Chris puts the book back, and they leave. They act all weird towards each other and then go to bed.

Now it's springtime, and Chris is sick. He can't go to steal money, so Cathy does. When she get's to Corinne's room she finds her new stepfather, Bart Winslow, asleep in a chair. She forgets about the money and wonders what it would be like to kiss a man with a mustache. She does it, and then gets scared so she runs back up to their room. Chris is asleep over an anatomy book (I knew he had to have one!). He wakes up and asks Cathy where the money she is. She says she didn't find any, and he says it's okay because she probably just didn't know where to look. They go to bed.

The next time Chris goes back to steal money, he's looking at the porn book (12) when he hears voices. He hides in the closet and Bart and Corinne come in and argue. Bart thinks that the maids have been stealing money from him, and Corinne says he's crazy, just like the time he thought some young blonde girl kissed him. Chris realizes it was Cathy Bart was talking about, and is pissed. When he gets back upstairs he tells her what he heard and goes into a jealous rage. He says that Cathy is his and will always be his, and wrestles her down on an old mattress (13) and totally does her. There are no words for my disgust. Cathy worries afterwards that she's going to get pregnant. How would they explain that to TG? Chris says that the odds are against it and that it was just one time. How many times do you think it takes, Chris? He apologizes for raping her, and she forgives him. Really?

They have stolen almost $400, which Chris doesn't feel is enough, but winter is coming soon and they don't have coats or boots that fit and the twins catch cold easily. Chris says he's going to have to start stealing Corinne's jewelry.

Cory gets sick again with the same illnesses that they've all been having, and Chris makes up his mind to steal the jewelry that night. However, Cory is too sick that night for him to leave. Chris studies his medical books to search for an answer to their illnesses, and can only come up with food poisoning. You got it half right, Chris. Cory is getting worse and worse, and Cathy dares to tell TG that he's really sick and needs his mother. TG leaves and then brings Corinne back with her. That's right, TG, force her to be a parent! Corinne sees him, on the verge of death, and hesitates because she doesn't want anyone to see her bringing him to a doctor. Cathy screams at her and pleads with her, and TG tells Corinne that Cathy is right, Cory must be taken to a hospital. TG for the win! Carrie wants to go with her twin, but Corinne vetoes the idea. She leaves with Cory wrapped up in a blanket in her arms.

Corinne comes back the next morning with no Cory. My first thought was that she just forgot him like all her other children, but no, she says that he died. She had him buried with a false name put on the gravestone. Carrie becomes catatonic with grief. Chris and Cathy blame themselves for not escaping sooner. Cathy has a dream that Cory meets her father in Heaven and he takes care of him, and feels peaceful upon wakening.

Now it's November, and Chris finally goes into Corinne's room to steal jewelry. He comes back empty handed. Everything in Corinne's room is completely gone. He tells Cathy that he then decided to look for stuff in TG's room, but she's in it reading the Bible. He sneaks away then to the grandfather's room, and comes upon the library. He is looking for money in the desk, but doesn't find any. He gets to the grandfather's room, and finds it completely empty and unused. He goes back to the library to try to steal money out of the hidden safe Corinne told them about, but hides when he hears some servants coming. The two servants, John and Livvy, start talking about how the grandfather is dead and Corinne is gone, and then they have sex (14), smoke some cigarettes, and then have sex again (15), and finally start talking again. Chris learns that the grandfather has been dead for over a year, and has added a codicil to his will that Corinne would see nothing if she ever has children, or it is proven that she had had children from her first marriage. Chris also learns that the powdered sugar doughnuts they had been eating have been covered with arsenic by Corinne to slowly poison them to death. Cathy doesn't believe him, so they regretfully test out a piece of doughnut on Cory's pet mouse Mickey. He dies several hours later.

They know now they have to leave right away. They layer on clothes and pack up their most prized possessions. They put Mickey's body along with two doughnuts in a paper bag to take to the police. Finally, finally, finally, after more than three years in the room, they leave. It's about fucking time! They could've left a long time ago, when Cory was alive and Cathy and Chris's virginity still existed!

And now, the newest and worst cover.




Awww, cute! A love story! What's that? That's two siblings gazing longingly into each other's eyes, half a second from making out (16)? Sick!

Flowers in the Attic, Part 1

As some of you may already know, I have an unhealthy obsession with V.C. Andrews books. Even though it's my personal opinion that the books started sucking with the Hudson (Rain) series, and I've been gravely disappointed with the new ones for awhile now, I still feel compelled to buy them whenever a new one comes out. I always think that the next new series is going to be great like the old ones, so I better buy it just to make sure. Re-reading the older awesome ones gives me hope.

I was going into 8th grade when my mom bought me a two pack of VCA books, Flowers in the Attic and Butterfly, and though I was supposed to save them for the plane trip to Florida we'd be making in a few days, I opened up Flowers in the Attic, and couldn't put it down. I was thrilled to discover that there were four more books in that series, and many other series. From then on, every time I went to the library I took out a whole series and devoured it. I became familiar with the fact that the first edition books had an outside cover with a hole in it and then an inside cover with a picture of the characters, and have searched thrift stores high and low for first editions. Of the 60 books currently published, I think I only have about 6 of them that I need a first edition copy of (I do own every book, just not in first edition). I know they're trashy, but I love them so much. My bitchass principal in 8th grade saw me reading one during study hall and banned them from school because she felt they were dirty (and they are!), but that didn't stop me. She can suck it, because at least I was reading, instead of smoking pot and giving half naked lap dances like my classmates.

Anyway, I would like to present to you the book that started it all for me, Flowers in the Attic. One of the best parts of a VCA book is the complete unbelievability of the story, and man, this one has got some good shit.

There's a little ominous prologue that states that the story is real and all names have been changed. Some people take it literally, but I never have. The book opens up with the narrator, Cathy Dollanganger, who is 7 years old. She lives with her older brother named Christopher, who was named for her sexy ass father, and her mother, Corinne. Their dad, Chris, travels for his job, but comes home every Friday to give his kids presents and do his wife. Not surprisingly, Corinne tells Cathy and Christopher she's pregnant with twins. Christopher is cool with it, but Cathy freaks out because she won't be the baby any more. Her dad comes home and soothes her, and gives her a sterling silver jewelry box and a ruby ring, and promises to love her the best of any other little girls, as long as she doesn't tell anyone. It's kind of sweet, I guess.

The twins are born, and there's a little boy named Cory and a little girl named Carrie. From day one Cory is quiet and Carrie is a loud ass bitch. The book skips ahead to when the twins are 4, Cathy just turned 12, and Christopher is 14, and they are waiting for their father to come home for the weekend. It's his birthday, so they are having a little surprise party for him. All the guests are there, and hours pass without their dad coming home. A police car pulls up and tells Corinne there was a car accident, and that Chris is dead. It's all very sad and whatnot, and they grieve.

Corinne tells Cathy and Christopher (who shall now be called Chris because I don't feel like typing out Christopher) that their father indulged her, and they lived way beyond their means. Since Corinne has no skills other than being hot and they never put any money away because they always expected there would be more time to do that, everything is being repossessed. Corinne says that she wrote to her parents, and they are all going to stay with them. She goes on and on about how rich they are and everything, but all I can concentrate on is that she's been described as wearing a filmy black (for mourning) negligee. Um, Corinne? Chris is getting a hard on, put on some damn clothes. She never even told the kids they had grandparents who were alive before, and then also drops the bombshell that their real last name is Foxworth. Corinne says they will leave that night. There are only four suitcases, and the selfish bitch says she needs two just for her own things, so the other two are to be shared between four kids. Barely there lingerie doesn't fill two suitcases, ho! Cathy is sad because she has to leave behind all of her favorite things, like the music box her father gave her and her favorite doll that he had bought for her. I hate Corinne.

They ride the train in the evening, and arrive at their destination at 3 o'clock in the morning. Corinne has her two suitcases placed in a locker for later because she says they're walking and she can't carry four suitcases. Chris and Cathy are in charge of the twins, who they must carry because they are asleep. Corinne yells at them and tells them to wake up the twins and make them walk, and then says under her breath, "Lord knows they'd better walk outside while they can." Foreshadowing!

After a billion miles, they finally reach the gigantic mansion. Corinne's mother greets them, and by greet I mean stands there coldly and hustles them upstairs into a bedroom. She says the children are all beautiful, and then proceeds to insult Corinne by asking if they're retarded or something. Corinne gets all pissed and then starts to put the twins in one of the two double beds in the room. The Grandmother yells at her and says that the boys must sleep in one bed and the girls in the other. Corinne says they're innocent, and The Grandmother says that's what she and Corinne's father always thought about her and her half-uncle. Sin in the camp!

The Grandmother goes on to say that they need to hide the kids from The Grandfather for a bit, until he stops being pissed at Corinne for being a damn ho. Because of that, the children must all stay in the one room, which will be locked, and may go into the attic to play via the secret door in the room's closet. She says she will bring food up to them only in the mornings to not attract too much attention. Corinne is more pissed that her mother won't close off the whole wing of the house for the children to be locked into rather than the fact that her children are being locked in at all. She totally knew what's up the whole time.

The next morning The Grandmother brings them their food for the day and a list of rules. She says she'll beat them if she finds them breaking any of the rules. She's my kind of gal! Basically they have to be clean and boys and girls can't be in the bathroom together and stuff like that. Oh, and they can't open the drapes, or speak to her unless spoken to first, or be idle. The Grandmother is more of a hardass than Laine!

They sit down to eat breakfast, and Carrie starts bitching about the food. Okay, they have some pretty good shit there, I have to say. Bacon, eggs, toast, and hot cereal for breakfast, sandwiches and soup for lunch, and fried chicken, string beans, and potato salad for dinner. I think I'm just hungry, but I don't know what to eat for lunch because it's Ash Wednesday and I can't have any chicken flavored ramen. Taking this even further off topic, I hate any type of seafood and love cheeseburgers, so Lent is pretty hard for me. By the end I am so sick of grilled cheese, cheese pizza, and cheese quesadillas. Let me know of anything that doesn't contain meat or seafood that would be good to eat on Fridays.

Anyway, after 10 o'clock passes (the kids aren't allowed to go into the attic until then because the maids are cleaning the second floor and might hear them), they all go up to explore the attic. The atticis as big as the entire mansion, and there's tons of cool shit up there, like Civil War uniforms and books and old toys and stuff. There's even a little schoolroom, with desks and a chalkboard. It's all hot and dusty and dirty up there, though. Carrie starts bitching, and I wish The Grandmother was there to give her something to bitch about. Both twins start complaining that they want to go outside, which of course they can't. They decide to eat lunch, and all take baths beforehand. Chris and Cathy break a rule because Chris sits on the tub and talks to Cathy while she's bathing (Chris hard on alert 2). Gross, I definitely want my brother at least 100 feet away from me at all times even when I'm in my underwear, and the feeling is definitely mutual. Cathy says they shouldn't do that any more, not because it's weird, but because The Grandmother might find out. She also says that she likes her naked body better than his because it's neater. Cathy has obviously never bled through a tampon and pad before. What? Don't act like it's never happened to you if you're a girl. Shit's gross.

They finally eat their damn lunch, and the twins are all cranky so Chris and Cathy put them down for naps. I could use a nap right now. The day passes by uneventfully, and their mother, followed by The Grandmother, comes in to see them after dinner. The twins become rabid dogs and try to bite The Grandmother, and she orders Corinne to show them what happens if you disobey. She turns around, unbuttons her shirt (Chris hard on alert 3), and reveals whip marks all over her back. The Grandmother says she received 33 lashes for each year of her life, and 15 more for each year she lived in sin with the kids' father. The kids are horrified, but Corinne's a ho, she probably liked it. She's into that shit. The Grandmother blathers on about how the children were born from sin and were spawns of the devil, and that she will feed them and let them stay in their house, but never love them. She leaves, and now Corinne must tell the kids all about the whole half uncle thing.

Corinne's grandfather was a cradle robber who married a teenager. They had a son, the childrens' father, and they both died. Chris was penniless, so Corinne's dad, Malcolm, let him come to Foxworth Hall to live when he was 17 and Corinne was 14, and they both fell in love at first sight. Ew! After a few years they could not deny their gross love any more, so they eloped and were both banished from the house. Malcolm had a heart attack on the day he banished them, and has been frail and weak ever since. Now the kids know why Corinne was disinherited and why they must stay hidden away until she can convince Malcolm to love her best again. She says it won't take long, and they might have to stay in there for about a month. She also says that she's going to go to secretary school so she can get a job and then a little house for the five of them. Why doesn't she just become a stripper? She's got all the kinky lingerie.

The days pass by, and their mother visits them every day, and stays longer on Saturdays and Sundays. She says she's making headway with her father. Soon a Sunday comes where she doesn't show up until pretty late. She comes in wearing a sailor dress, I kid you not, and Cathy gets all pissed and wants to know when they can be released. Corinne says she hasn't been honest with them, and that her father said he was glad that Chris was dead and it was a good thing they didn't have any kids. Corinne tells them that they must stay locked away until he dies. He's in really bad shape, and should die pretty soon. She promises if he doesn't, she'll tell him about them.

More days pass, with Chris and Cathy hoping the grandfather will die every day. They get the idea to decorate the attic as a garden for the twins, and spend time cleaning it. Corinne brings them buttloads of art supplies and drawing instruction books, and they create animals to go along with their flowers. Corinne says she's still going to secretary school, and is totally lying. Weeks pass, with them creating the garden, reading old books, and the twins playing with toys. Cathy becomes more and more discouraged and despondent, so Chris has a talk with Corinne and Corinne brings her ballet shoes and costumes because Cathy wants to be a famous ballerina someday. She starts practicing all the time, and Chris either reads or paints. It's all kind of boring, but I guess that's the point, to show how dull their lives have become. They also drag mattresses over to an attic window and sunbathe naked because they feel they need sun to grow and be healthy. They feel safe in the attic because The Grandmother is claustrophobic so she won't go up there. When the seasons start to change, they change the seasons in the attic, too, by taking down their flowers and putting up autumn leaves.

They play hide and seek one day, and Cory accidentally locks himself in one of the trunks. He nearly suffocates before they find him. Chris and Cathy slowly warm him up and rock him, and in that moment become more like parents to the twins than Corinne. Cory is okay, and Chris breaks all the locks on every trunk and wardrobe in the attic so that they never lock again. Cathy knows they won't be truly happy again until their grandfather's funeral.

Soon they cross off the hundredth day on their calendar. Thanksgiving is coming, so Corinne brings Cathy some table decorations. She says that she is going to sneak up Thanksgiving dinner to them. On the day of Thanksgiving, they wait and wait, all while getting hungrier and hungrier, and still Corinne doesn't show. Finally she comes, drops off the food, and rushes out before anyone misses her downstairs. The twins don't like the food, but Chris eats everything in sight. After dinner is over, the twins say that their hungry, even though they spent all of dinner bitching about the food, so they eat sandwiches from The Grandmother's daily picnic basket. Cathy realizes that it's hard to be a parent. No shit, Sherlock.

The next day Cory gets sick. Corinne finally comes in and after seeing him, takes his temperature. She tells him to take aspirin and drink his orange juice and he'll feel better. Carrie gets sick soon after. Corinne, followed by The Grandmother, takes her temperature and it's 103.6. She says she needs to take Carrie to a doctor, but The Grandmother says that small children often run high fevers and that with the medicine, orange juice, and plenty of rest the twins will be fine. Nineteen days later, they finally are better, but will never be the same. Their eyes are shadowed and they are very quiet and weak. Corinne brings them vitamins, but Cathy says they need fresh air more than anything. Corinne says it won't be much longer. We've heard that one before, ho!

Christmas Eve soon comes. They all have been making presents for each other secretly. Chris comes up with the idea to make something for The Grandmother, and they all work on a gift, which is a landscape made out of silk and different cords and pebbles, and then framed with an old frame from the attic. Their mother brings them a tree, and sometimes during the night snuck in to leave presents. They have new clothes and toys and candy, which is a big deal because The Grandmother doesn't allow them to have candy for fear of them getting cavities and needing to go to the dentist. Cathy tries to give their gift to The Grandmother, who just ignores her and leaves. Cathy gets pissed and smashes it. The Grandmother should've taken it, for fear of Cathy going crazy and needing a psychiatrist.

Corinne comes with more presents, including a kickass dollhouse that was passed on from The Grandmother to her when she was a little girl. I love dollhouses! She also brought the twins trikes and Chris and Cathy roller skates. They also get a small TV set, and Corinne says that her father is writing her back into his will and leaving her everything, since The Grandmother has money of her own. She tells Chris and Cathy that there is going to be a huge party given downstairs tonight, and that there is a cabinet with a screen door that overlooks everything. She says that if Chris and Cathy are quiet, they may watch the party from there. She comes up to get them before the party starts and takes them to the cabinet. They see The Grandfather for the first time, and also hear some people talking about how Corinne is dating a man named Bartholomew Winslow. Soon they get bored and need to use the bathroom, so they leave. Once in the room, Chris decides he wants to explore the house since the door is unlocked, and puts on a disguise of old clothes from the attic. He and Cathy exchange some pretty flirtatious words (Chris hard on 4), and he leaves.

Cathy falls asleep waiting for him, and is shaken awake angrily by her mother, who is demanding to know where Chris is. Cathy doesn't know and Corinne says she'll never let them out again. Chris comes in and Corinne slaps him. You have to read the part where she forgives him, it's so weird:

She must've seen something in Chris's stunned expression, something that made her hot anger disappear. She drew him into her open arms and covered his wan, splotched, moustached face with quick little kisses that sought to take away the harm she'd done. Kiss, kiss, kiss, finger his hair, stroke his cheek, draw his head against her soft, swelling breasts, and let him drown in the sensuality of being cuddled close to that creamy flesh that must excite even a youth of his tender years.

Would you think that's talking about a mother and her son? Gross! Oh, and Chris hard on 5.

Chris forgives her, because all the blood has rushed out of his brain elsewhere. After Corinne leaves, Cathy expresses her doubts that her mother doesn't have enough money to take them away to their own house, since she always has on expensive clothes and butt-tons of jewelry. Chris dismisses Cathy's disbelief. The blood hasn't returned to his brain yet. He tells Cathy about the house, and how he saw Bartholomew Winslow with Corinne. Cathy asks if he kissed her and touched her breasts and stroked her buttocks. Hee and gross! These kids see their mom way too sexually. Chris tells Cathy about the trophy room, which has tons of animal heads on the walls, and about their mother's room, which has a huge round bed shaped like a swan. They marvel over the bed some more, and then go to sleep.

More months pass by, and the kids are pretty much addicted to the TV, since it's their only way to view the outside world. Cathy and Chris's bodies are changing, and Cathy sees stains on Chris's sheets and thinks he's become a bedwetter. He tells her what they are - and I never want to hear my brother ever tell me about that shit, I seriously need to puke now - and she says he needs to see a doctor because it's much too messy to be normal. Chris tells her that her time to stain the sheets is coming. She doesn't know what he's talking about, and goes back to pulling any armpit hair or pubes she finds out of her body with tweezers. Chris must've talked to Corinne again, because she brings Cathy a huge box full of pads and tampons and stuff, and tells her about bleeding from the vag. Cathy tells her she's going to be a ballerina and she won't have kids until she's older, so she can cancel the period, kthanx. Corinne laughs and tells her it'll come whether she wants it to or not. She says it doesn't seem fair that Chris doesn't have to go through this shit, and to that I say word, and Corinne says Chris will have his own struggles to go through, like controlling his erections around his mother and sister. Okay, she didn't say that, but what other struggles could he have?

Cathy has her birthday, soon followed by the twins'. She and Chris teach the twins to read and write, and they discover Cory may be musically talented. Soon it's summer again, and Cathy has gotten her period and has mega cramps and needs to stay in bed, which I remember all too clearly from when I was her age. Cathy believes even less in their mother, and Chris still doesn't doubt her at all. Chris sucks. Corinne comes by less and less, and after a week of no visits, finally comes and tells them their grandfather is sick and could die any minute now. Cathy and Chris pray for his death, and they have now lived in the locked room for a full year.

Everyone pray that my night class gets cancelled because of the snow! I promise that if it does I will write Part 2 and post it tonight. No cover image today, I'll post the absolute worst of the many covers when I do Part 2.

Yes, I was a Hanson fan

While searching the top shelf of my closet last week for something, I came across my folders I had decorated and stored all of my Hanson and Spice Girls pictures and posters and stuff that I had had on my walls. Going through the Hanson folder, I found 3 magazine covers and knew I had to post them on here. Oh yeah, and I had one whole wall dedicated to the Spice Girls, from floor to ceiling. It was pretty sad. I also used to count all of my Spice Girls pictures and store the number in my Super Magic Diary. I last remember the count being over 800. I had problems.
Fashion Magic! I loved that shit! Or was it Jazzy Jewelry I had? I can't remember. Ooh, and KidSongs! That show rocked! If it was on right now, I'd have to save this post for later so I could watch it. I bet JTT was just thrilled with the article on how to spot him at the mall. Teenyboppers are fucking scary. I should know, I was one.
Dangerous with Leo! By dangerous, do they mean not washing your hair? He totes has a case of the greasies, and his eyes are really red. So high. I'm pretty sure I had the MMMBop To The Top book. I also had every Spice Girls book ever sold at my local Walden Books, a Leonardo DiCaprio book, and a different Hanson book. I should've spent that money on SVH books instead. Dumb me! Oh, and I have no idea how to find out if JTT is happy, but it sounds dirty.

I don't know what I cut out of this one, probably a Spice Girls picture or something. I really did have problems. However, ignore the cuddling with a Backstreet Boy toy for a second, and think about the Hanson mini-mag. I might still have it somewhere. I used to carry it around in my purse every day. Oh yeah, and by purse I mean a shiny bright yellow pleather baby backpack that had a huge smiley face on it. Are you cringing because of the bad fashion?

Ah, an insight into my 12 year old mind. Not a pretty thought. Make me feel better and tell me about your favorite teen idol and corresponding awful purse.

Mirrors Never Lie

If you ever come across this book at a thrift store or on Amazon or Ebay, BUY IT! I can't stress this enough. If you like trashy 80's teen novels (and I'm assuming you do or else you wouldn't be here), then you're going to love this one.

I don't even know if the author of this book has a first name, that's how low budget and trashy it is. I'm surprised it wasn't just typed up and stapled together. My friend Amanda had three older sisters, and therefore a buttload of books like this, and I borrowed it from her when I was in junior high. It was amazingly awful then, and even more so now.

As you can guess, it's about a girl with an eating disorder. What you don't know is that the insults and stuff in here are so lovably snarkable. Trust me, you guys, you are going to love this shit.

Bonnie Isherwood is in junior high, I guess. It's never really made clear how old she is or what grade she's in. She could be a high school freshman, I don't know. I'd put her at around 13-14 years old. She lives with her mom, who is a real bitch if I ever saw one, and her sister Dana, who is a professional model. Bonnie is going to try out for her school's cheerleading squad, and is all worried and shit about how she's going to do. Dana offers to take her to the modeling agency so she can learn how to properly walk and sit and stuff. As an avid viewer of America's Next Top Model, I can't see how learning the runway walk will help her. Dana should teach her to make her eyes fierce instead.

Bonnie gets to take half a day off of school to go to lunch with Dana at the local French restaurant (not Chez Maurice) and then hang out at the modeling agency. All the models yell at her and teach her how to walk and shit, and she's holding a pose when a photographer named Potts spots her and offers to take her picture. I just kept on picturing that one scene in Fame when I got to this part. She takes the pictures and he says maybe they'll come up with something.

Bonnie decides later that she needs to be on a diet, mostly because her bitchwhore mom and Dana keep on telling her she's got baby fat and is pudgy and stuff. This book actually gives Bonnie's height and weight and she's 5ft3 and weighs 109 pounds. WTF, Mom and Dana, she's already thin! In junior high my friend was nearly that exact same height and weight, and she didn't have a bit of fat on her. Mom and Dana are crazy, and this whole book is their fault.

Bonnie and her BFF Toni have their cheerleading tryouts and both make it. Of course, only 8 girls tried out and they could take 4. My junior high had at least 40 or so girls try out, and my high school had well over 200. The coach tells them all they have to start watching their weight, and Bonnie thinks she's speaking directly to her. She does this a lot, you'll see. At home, she goes through her mom and Dana's magazines and picks out a diet to stick to.

After a few weeks, Bonnie has lost some weight and is feeling kickass. She decides to try out for her school play, and thinks she'll get the lead because she's thin now. Thin = talent! Another girl named Leslie ends up getting it, and Bonnie thinks it's because she's not thin enough yet, because Leslie is thin and pretty and popular. Bonnie cuts her portions on food back in order to lose more weight.

The cheerleading coach decides to hold practices at lunch now instead of after school so that the girls can be in the play or other sports. Bonnie gets a 10 minute long exercise regimen from her coach so she can tone up a little bit, and of course does them for like 30 minutes instead. She decides to try out for the cross country track team, and has a guy named Jeff for her partner. He flirts a bit with her, and she concentrates on losing more weight.

Dana comes home with some good news, Potts wants to use Bonnie for an upcoming catalogue spread. She's excited because she could use the money for Christmas presents. She goes and ends up earning 60 something dollars, and is stoked. She decides it's all because she lost more weight. Dana has been getting worried about her weight loss though (she's now down to 93 pounds) and badgers her at dinner. Her bitch mom makes her eat because she doesn't want the neighbors to think she can't afford to feed her. Shouldn't she be more concerned about how her daughter looks, not what the neighbors think?

Bonnie of course doesn't listen, and eats even less. She has a huge meet in track, and beats the other team's best runner. She thinks it's because she lost weight, of course. With that, the track season is over. She also has her last game for cheerleading, and is happy to see that she made the team for basketball season too. You guessed it, she thinks it's because of her weight loss.

Bonnie has Toni over to make fudge. Toni tells her she's worried about her because she's looking really gross. She says the kids at school call her "Bony Bonnie" and "Skinny Ishy" behind her back. Skinny Ishy? The fuck? They really couldn't come up with anything better than that? Toni forces Bonnie to eat some fudge, and they fight, and after Toni leaves Bonnie immediately pukes the fudge up. She's down to 88 pounds now.

Dana comes home and asks to talk to Bonnie. She tells her that she's gotten really skinny and that her jeans are practically falling right off her fanny. Hee. Bonnie keeps calling herself fat and finally Dana tells her that Potts has been asking about her and that she's going to take her to the modeling agency. Dana thinks that maybe then Bonnie will realize how nasty she looks and eat a cheeseburger, but all Bonnie can think about is if she can lose a pound before then.

Dana takes Bonnie out to lunch and forces her to eat a cheeseburger, french fries, and a milkshake. Forcing her to eat is not the way to beat this, Dana. She takes Bonnie into the agency, and Potts asks if she's been sick. She says no, and he just backs off from her, says he doesn't need her, and runs away. Potts apparently thinks anorexia is contagious.

At home, Bonnie is sad and hungry. Instead of making herself feel better, both mentally and physically, with a frosty Snapple and bag of Snyder's Cheddar Cheese Pretzel Bits, like I would've done, she decides to start a project. Looking around the house, she notices that their fence needs repairing, and she busies herself in running around and gathering driftwood for it. Afterwards, she feels better, and hopes she can get down to 87 pounds.

Thanksgiving time! Bonnie and her family are going to stay a few days at her grandparents' house. She's nervous about Thanksgiving dinner, as her grandma makes some kickass food, and doesn't know how she'll fool everyone into thinking she's eating when she's really not. Her grandma tries to feed her, as grandmas usually do, but doesn't push it when Bonnie says she's not hungry. Later on, though, Bonnie overhears her grandma asking her mom if she's been sick. Her mom, who is pretty much oblivious to the fact that her daughter is a walking skeleton, is all like, "Bonnie who? Oh yeah, the non-model one." She tells Bonnie's grandma that all girls do crazy fad diets and that Bonnie will just grow out of it. Incompetent parent say what?

Bonnie has very little to eat at Thanksgiving, and declines dessert. That's the best part! Back at home, she has a nightmare that the scale reads 196 pounds, and freaks out. She weighs herself, and she's now back at 88. Fatty! She decides to try diet pills. Please, if that shit actually worked, there'd be no fat people. You're dumb, Bonnie. She raids her piggy bank (her modeling money was put into a savings account), and only has a little over a dollar. She goes down to the drugstore anyway, and is sad that all the diet pills cost at least $4. She considers stealing a box, but the owner of the store is watching her, so she just goes home. The next morning she steals $5 from her mom's wallet.

Somehow it's track season or something again, and the track team have all gotten together to brainstorm a fundraiser. Someone suggests a Weed-a-thon, and everyone enthusiastically agrees. Are you kidding me? That's the dumbest fundraiser I've ever heard of! Plus, what if there's not a lot of weeds? These kids suck. Jeff chooses Bonnie as his partner. It's because she's thin, naturally. Jeff calls her after the meeting and they go over some Weed-a-thon details, and then he asks her out for ice cream when the fundraiser is over. She accepts, because she's too excited about going on her first date to think about ice cream. Mmmm, ice cream.

Bonnie's group raised $12 for the Weed-a-thon, which I guess is good, and Bonnie is happy because she lost another half of a pound. They go to the ice cream shop, and Bonnie orders apricot ice cream with hot fudge on top. Gross! Leslie, the star of the play, is also there, and is watching Bonnie the whole time. Bonnie of course doesn't eat her ice cream and makes some excuse and leaves. She was as creeped out by Leslie as I was.

Bonnie finally goes Christmas shopping, and buys a candle for Dana, a brass basket for her mom, mugs for her grandparents, and a calendar for her dad. Even though she and Toni haven't spoken in a long time, she buys her decorative shoelaces. Hot! At home, there's a letter from her dad saying that he was in Paris (he's a pilot) and would visit on Christmas Eve. She immediately runs to the mirror and checks out her fanny. I just can't get enough of that word! Her mom sees the letter, and proceeds to rip her dad apart because he never bothers to see the girls any other time. Okay, word, bitch mom. Bonnie pledges to herself to lose more weight before her dad shows up.

Christmas Eve comes, and her dad doesn't show. Bonnie beats herself up about it and thinks her dad didn't come because she's too fat. I'm so sure. They receive a telegram the next day from their dad saying that he got called for an emergency flight and had no time to call. He also wishes them Merry Christmas, to which Bonnie's mom replies, "Merry Christmas, my Aunt Fanny!" Oh man, I think I'm about to die laughing!

School is back in session, and Bonnie is preparing to cheer at a basketball game. Toni takes her aside and tells her that some guys are planning on shouting stuff at her. Bonnie thinks Toni wants her to go home because she's jealous. Of course, Bonnie cheers at the game, and the guys shout the best insults ever, I have to share them:

-Windmill!
-Scarecrow!
-Rattle them bones!
-You yell it, we'll tell it, Bony!
-You run off the floor, Skinny, before you fall down and break your BONES!

Aren't those hilarious? I don't get the whole windmill thing, someone please explain it to me if you do. Bonnie starts crying and runs home. She skips school for a few days, the first day pretending she's sick, and the rest just ditching. She walks around town, and a guy at the deli offers to give her a sample. He gives her a pickled mushroom, and she wipes off all the olive oil and taking a billion tiny bites, eats the thing for her lunch. Ew.

Bonnie decides to go back to school, and is happy that track practices will be starting soon. However, when she gets there her coach says she has to have a doctor's note before participating. Oh yeah, she's at 81 pounds now. Her mom freaks out and blames it all on Bonnie. She literally screams at her while forcing her to eat, and Bonnie refuses and runs away.

Bonnie goes to the doctor, who weighs her at 85 pounds, but estimates her weight without clothes to be at about 81. He tells her she is dangerously underweight, and that he suspects she's anorexic. Her mom says that's crazy and that Bonnie's just been sick. She tells the doctor to just sign the stupid permission form so that they can leave. The doctor says that he wants to see Bonnie in 2 weeks, and if she's gained some weight he will then sign the permission form.

Predictably, Bonnie's mom goes psycho on her, and instead of worrying about Bonnie's health, bitches on and on about how the doctor humiliated her. She tells Bonnie she will force her to eat and will also supervise each weigh in. Her mom needs to get over herself and think about her daughter instead. She screams at Bonnie at every meal, and forces her to take large portions. When her mom starts talking to Dana, Bonnie spits the food out and hides it in a ledge on the table. Fooled you! Her mom thinks she's eating it all, and tells her she did well. She then offers Bonnie some ice cream as a reward, which Bonnie declines. Who offers an anorexic ice cream as a reward?

Bonnie starts running on the beach, and comes upon Jeff training with some hot bitchy girl. Hot Bitchy Girl says Bonnie looked like a little windmill coming towards them. What the fuck is up with the windmill shit again? Bonnie is sad and leaves.

Bonnie tries tricks at her supervised weigh ins, and her mom starts catching on when she's not gaining anything after a few days. In science class, they learn about weights and scales, and she gets an idea. She shoves curtain weights into her pockets, and they cause the scale to move up. Her mom is pleased, and says they'll have a regular old fatty pretty soon. Again, not a good move on her mom's part. She sews curtain weights into the bottom of her shirt and sweater, and gets her permission slip signed at her doctor's appointment. She has a track practice, where Jeff tells her she'll be competing against Hot Bitchy Girl. Bonnie vows to win.

Track meet time, and Bonnie easily passes other runners. However Hot Bitchy Girl, after calling Bonnie Skinny and Bones and telling her to move out of the way, wins the race. Bonnie passes out. She wakes up in the hospital with an IV in, and her deadbeat dad by her side. I guess her mom was too embarrassed to come. Bonnie worries about the calories in the IV. No, I'm serious! Her nurse comes in and pulls back the curtain separating her from her roommate, Tanya. Bonnie is shocked because Tanya is disgustingly thin. She learns that Tanya's been in and out of hospitals since she was 12. Bonnie is scared, and doesn't want to look like Tanya, so she tries to eat. She fails, of course.

The track team sends Bonnie a basket of fruit. I wonder how many weeds they had to pull to afford it. Bonnie's dad tries to force her to eat some, and then turns on her bitchy mom and accuses her of not feeding her. She accuses him of being a deadbeat, and he turns on Bonnie and tries to force her to eat. He's stopped by the appearance of school play star Leslie. Leslie tells Bonnie she used to be an anorexic, and totally knows Bonnie is one, too. She gives Bonnie her psychiatrist's name, and leaves.

After everyone leaves, Bonnie is scared and defiant. She doesn;t want to eat or see a doctor. Suddenly Tanya starts making gurgling sounds, and Bonnie dizzily rushes over to her and holds her hand while shouting for a nurse. She looks down and realizes that her hand looks just like Tanya's. She finally realizes that she's way too skinny, and the book ends with the psychiatrist coming in her room the next day. Dumb ending!



Where do I start? The crazy 80's title font? The feathered bangs? The bleach blonde hair and black roots? The Glamour Shots By Deb pose? The cover looks so trashy, and I love it. Oh yeah, and I have 13 Is Too Young To Die, also.

Sweet!

I just won a lot of 10 Girl Talk books on Ebay for 99 cents! I really really wanted to do a post on my favorite one, but it had been given away. So I checked Ebay and found it, and others that I also loved! Woo! I can't wait until they arrive!

Here's what I won:

#2 Face Off
#3 The New You
#6 The Ghost of Eagle Mountain
#10 Falling in Like (Billy totes looks at least 35 on the cover, with a 13 year old's body)
#11 Mixed Feelings
#12 Drummer Girl
#13 The Winning Team...my favorite!
#15 On the Air
#22 Problem Dad
#23 House Party

I'm so excited! Do you guys remember the Girl Talk board game? I think there may have been a few versions of it, because I remember one of my friends had one where you had to put zit stickers on you, and another friend had a different one, I think.

New poll!

According to The Complete Guide to the Baby-sitters Club, Watson works for some insurance company. I don't buy it. How do you guys think he really made all his millions?

Did he sell Vietnamese babies on the black market? He and Kristy's mom seemed to have gotten Emily Michelle pretty fast, unlike the thousands of other potential adoptive parents who have to wait sometimes for years.

Does he do drug deals in the Junk Bucket? How else did the car get its name, haha.

Did he inherit his money? If Ben Brewer haunts the third floor, the mansion has to have been in the family for awhile.

Finally, does he pimp out Stacey? Stacey has dated just about every guy in Stoneybrook. I can totally imagine her in the outfit Julia Roberts wears in Pretty Woman. It's dibbly slut-tastic. I bet you can buy it at Zingy's.

Voting ends on March 1st!

Full House Stephanie P.S. Friends Forever

For some reason I either lost or gave away all my Stephanie books except for one or two, and I don't know why. Temporary insanity! I loved this one, but sadly I don't have it any more. However, I feel confident enough to do this from memory. I was going to do one of the ones I still have left, but it's really bad and I don't feel like making myself read it again. Maybe later.

Like MilkMan, who runs the Full House blog linked to the right, I hated Michelle. She was ugly, bratty, annoying, and not funny. I refused to read the Michelle books. I did love Stephanie, though, and going back and watching my Season 1 DVDs (yeah, I like FH a little too much, if that's possible) made me realize that if Jodie Sweetin had laid off the meth she probably could've done some great stuff. Even at 4 or 5 or however old she was, she had great delivery and comic timing. Ooh, and a kick ass perm later on.

So my love of Stephanie led me to her books, and I owned a lot of the early ones. I can say I definitely liked Getting Even with the Flamingoes the best, but this one was pretty cool, too. I think I mostly loved the shirt she was wearing on the front cover. I'd still wear it, because I'm a slave to '95.

Stephanie has a penpal named Kyra, who lives in Georgia. We've never heard of her before, nor will we ever hear of her again, so don't worry. I forget how Kyra makes the money or whatever, but she flies out to visit Stephanie for either a week or 10 days. Damn it, why did I give this away?!!? When she arrives, Stephanie finds that they really have nothing in common, which is surprising because she thought they were practically the same person. Kyra wears the sexiest outfit imaginable on her plane ride, it's a catsuit with a sheer dress over it, and she has a dibble perm. Stephanie feels like a geekburger next to her.

As the time goes on, Stephanie finds out more and more that she and Kyra have nothing in common. Kyra is a vegetarian (because she used to be a fattypants), she hates Pearl Jam (blasphemy!), she wears berets and makeup, and she's a great cook. She cooks breakfast for everyone using these awful Georgia Peach Rice Cakes that Stephanie has been buying because the company is giving away a trip to Georgia (her dad won't send her there because then he'd have to send DJ somewhere, and Michelle to the North Pole to keep Santa company during the summer. Like, haha. Not.), and Steph wants to win so she can go visit Kyra. Ooh, and Kyra has a boyfriend, who she forgot to tell Stephanie about in her letters. Ouch. She ends up having more in common with DJ and Steph is sad.

Stephanie had an upcoming school fundraiser called Skate For School, and she wants Kyra to come with her. Kyra says she can't skate for shit, but gets Steph a semi date with the sexy Brandon Fallow, who she has lusted after forever. Brandon sounds pretty studly, but I'd probably still go for Uncle Jesse. Not if he was my uncle, pervs!

Skate For School prep time! Kyra applies a washout perm to Stephanie's hair, which totally smells like ass. You never do a drastic change right before a big event! Stephanie borrows Kyra's sexified plane ride outfit to wear. Disaster occurs! Brandon spends the whole time skating with Kyra, and Stephanie's head smells awful, while the dress keeps getting caught around her skates. She thinks Kyra set her up and is pissed.

They fight and shit, and I can't remember if they get a patented Dad Talk or not, but they do decide eventually that though they don't have a lot in common, they do both like to write letters and would like to still be penpals. Also, the Skate For School thing was a big misunderstanding because Kyra loves her boyfriend and she just talked up Steph the whole time. Kyra's okay in my book! Kyra has a beret to give to Steph, and she has a Pearl Jam tape to give to Kyra, but they both decide to keep their own gifts instead. They write each other letters to read after Kyra leaves. Oh, and Stephanie wins the runner up prize in the Georgia Peach Rice Cake contest, which is a year's supply of the crappy things. Yuck!




I still like that shirt!

Holy crap, I need this!

This gem is located at http://www.oldglory.com/lp/product/~tcategory_id=OG_THEME_1400/~category_id=OG_NEW_109/~product_id=032091TVTS

They have a hoodie, too!

The Baby-sitters Club #21 Mallory and the Trouble With Twins

This will probably be the last BSC book I will do for awhile, because I've been doing a lot lately (hey, I read them the most as a child) and I like some variety. Also, someone left a comment on the Baby-sitters Remember post and said I was "blatantly ripping off Tiff." I guess that means I can't talk about the BSC any more, since only one blog discussing them may exist. Although I did check a minute ago and Tiff never recapped that particular book, so I don't get it. Please explain.

Congratulations to Mallory, who totally killed everyone in the poll! I have to say, I'm glad she won. Elizabeth is really judgmental and overbearing, Enid is hella boring, and Penny is just a bitch. But I like to think that Mallory is lovably lame. Come on, we all had our Mallory moments growing up, feeling awkward and insecure about your looks, hanging out with the cool girls but never feeling quite good enough for them, and getting lost in the crowd of your siblings. Mallory may be boring, but she's definitely relatable.

Sorry this update is so late, but Major Payne was on HBO. I'm sure you understand. "Who's the dummy now?" Also, I would like to curse the weather for snowing so much that the college was given a snow day on the one day that I don't have classes.

I liked Mallory and the Trouble With Twins because I liked whenever the BSC went to the mall and I got to read about what they bought. This one has three mall trips!

The book opens with all the Pikes on their way to Washington Mall for new shoes. That's got to suck. Mallory wants some awesome pink shoes with green trim, but has to get loafers instead because her mom says that they'll go with everything. Let her get the pink shoes, Mrs. Pike! If she bitches about them not matching anything, then remind her whose idea it was to get them. The Pikes all split up, and Claire and Margo go off with Mallory. She has the great idea to take them to watch people get their ears pierced. Gross! I didn't even want to watch when I got my own ears pierced, let alone a complete stranger's. Claire screams as she watches, and Margo says she's going to puke. Mallory drags them out of there, mortified.

Mallory gets a new sitting job for the Arnold twins, Marilyn and Carolyn. The twins' mom is making them dress alike and shit, so no one can tell them apart. They do wear name bracelets, though. Mallory makes the mistake of telling them they look cute, and they take off their bracelets and run around and tell her to tell them apart now. Um, what? Cute is an insult now? The twins also start speaking in this made up language of theirs. It's so demented. Mallory is understandably flustered.

Mallory feels fug and babyish, and wants her ears pierced and her hair cut. She also wants her parents to treat her a little bit more like an adult. Mallory? You're 11. Also, if you want this shit, just ask. Don't sit and whine about it.

The twins continue pulling their shit and act like little assholes. Beat them! They pull a switch on Claudia, but instead of just a harmless little prank, they have Carolyn go to Marilyn's music school for an important recital practice. Claudia obviously can't drive, so she can't switch them back. Mrs. Arnold comes home and yells at the twins, and then proceeds to yell at Claudia for not being able to tell the girls apart without their bracelets on. Um, Mrs. Arnold? Don't dress your identical twins alike if you want people to be able to tell them apart!

More Mallory whining about her looks and not doing anything about it.

Twin breakthrough! The twins act like assholes again and start talking in their dumb language, but Mallory replies to them in Pig Latin, and they get mega pissed because they can't understand her. She agress to teach them Pig Latin if they stop using twin talk, and they tell her how you can tell them apart. Mrs. Arnold hires Mallory, Mary Anne, and Dawn to help at the twins' upcoming birthday party.

Party! The twins get all pissed because they're dressed alike and every guest brings them identical gifts because no one has actually gotten to know them. What kind of friends are those? Mallory is the only one who gets them something different, and they love it. The next time she sits for them, she helps them talk to their mom about letting them dress differently. Their mom agrees, and Mallory gets the brilliant idea to talk to her parents about the way she looks. Yes, it really takes her that long!

Mallory sits in her room and plots how she'll talk to her parents. Doesn't seem so hard to me. She asks them for contacts, a new wardrobe, a hair cut, and pierced ears, and they nearly shit themselves. They say no to the contacts and new wardrobe, which Mallory just used to bargain with anyway, but yes to the haircut and pierced ears. Mallory is all excited and stuff. I can see whay they might not say yes to pierced ears, but why not to a haircut? The Pikes doesn't really seem like strict parents, so I don't know why she's all surprised that they'd say yes.

Mallory takes the twins shopping for some new clothes, and they buy some sexy things like push down socks, heart kneesocks, and a dibble sweatshirt with moons and stars on it. I totally had that shirt in black!

The BSC plans a super chilly mall trip, and Claudia, Mallory, Jessi, and Dawn all get their ears pierced. Now, maybe the rules were different back then, but if I had walked into Claire's at 11 or 13 and told them to pierce my ears, they would've kicked me out unless I had a parent with me. But no, in Stoneybrook you can just walk right in and they pierce you without even batting an eye. Man, why didn't Mallory get her ears pierced sooner then? It's not like it's so noticeable. My dad didn't even notice my second holes (I have three in each ear and then one in my cartilage) until months afterwards. But that's our Mallory, I guess. She'll never be a badass.

A few weeks later, Mallory has gotten her hair cut. Her stylist is a moron who tells her that cutting her hair will make the curls settle into waves. I have naturally curly hair, and know that the opposite is true. The longer the hair is, the less curly it will be because the weight will pull it down. Mallory listens to the dumb stylist, though, and says that her hair is now short and fluffy. Fro? The BSC all give each other sweet earrings in honor of everyone being able to change them now. Mallory gives Jessi a special pair because they're bff!


The twins are really ugly. Mallory doesn't look so bad, actually. The cover artist does have a heart!

The Baby-sitters Club #51 Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

Since the comments on the last post have indicated that I'm not the only one who loves Laine, I decided to do a whole Laine post! Let me tell you, I was searching for about an hour and a half for this thing because it wasn't in my room or in our basement book shelves. I was getting so upset and then I finally found it under my bed. I'm sorry for mistreating you and keeping you hidden away, baby!

This book has everything: fights, boys, an only sort of lame subplot, Laine, and a card catalog fight. What could be better? I always liked this one when I was younger, as you will clearly see later on with all the creases in the cover. I loved it hardcore! In fact, let's not delay the awesomeness any longer, and get to the good stuff.

So Stacey is talking to Laine on the phone, and Laine mentions that she has a week off of school coming up for winter break. No, not the week in between Christmas and New Year's, but the week before Valentine's Day. The hell? I never got a random week off of school! Maybe Laine just gets it off because she's amazing. Anyway, Laine says she has so many things to choose to do, like go to parties with her new boyfriend (more on that hot mess later), or her school's ski trip, or to her aunt and uncle's place in Florida. Stacey says she should come to Stoneybrook, and before Laine can tell her that she'd rather wake up to a pee filled bed again, Stacey hangs up to go ask her mom. Her mom says yes, and Stacey calls Laine back to tell her to come. I don't know why Laine didn't tell her to shove it. Stacey tells her it'll be awesome, and Laine kind of faintly agrees. Actually, Stacey uses the word distant about 80 times, which confuses Laine, who is not fluent in BSC-ese.

Stacey starts planning on tons of stuff to do, like going out to restaurants because she says Laine likes to eat. Yeah, I bet not. She heads off to her BSC meeting, and we delve into the horrors of the Chapter 2. Stacey tells them that Laine is coming, and Mary Anne says she can come to SMS's Valentine's Day Dance, which is being held on Friday the 13th. Mallory pauses in her gum wrapper chain and says she has an important announcement; she's going to the dance with Ben. Everyone's just like, "That's nice," and continues talking about other stuff. Oh man, it was so hilarious. How did I not pick up on all the subtle Mallory insults before?

A few days later, Stacey is Laine-proofing the house before the train from New York comes in. This consists of making sure there is seltzer in the fridge, a copy of the New Yorker on the coffee table, hiding her pig collection, organizing her tapes, and putting Claudia's ragdoll in her hamper with dirty underwear on top of it. Ew! I hope Claudia didn't want it back. Stacey examines her outfit, and she is wearing a shoelace barrette in her hair. Holy crap, I was the queen of the shoelace barrettes! I had one in every color!

Those aren't pics of mine, I just Googled them. My friend Amanda had neon ones, though. Hot!

Anyway, Laine gets off the train in a super sophisticated jean jacket with a fur collar, and red beret. Please tell me she's not wearing jeans with her jean jacket. Thank God, she's wearing black capri pants with lace bottoms. I had a pair of those, too, except mine were full length. They had flowered lace bottoms and were my very favorite pair of spandex pants. Stacey's mom drives them home (and does not run out of gas), and Stacey gives Laine the tour of Stoneybrook. When they get to Stacey's house, Laine asks where the town is. Stacey is shocked and says they just drove through it, she pointed out the library and the pizza place and everything! Laine is not impressed. I love her.

Stacey tells Laine she's going to have a super chilly and dibbly distant party that night. Laine gets excited, until she realizes it's just going to be a BSC sleepover. Here's a tip, Laine: don't sleep in the bed with Stacey. Laine acts like she's way too mature and cool for the BSC, and she is, and says that 13 year old boys are dorky. Mary Anne gets all pissed and says that Logan isn't dorky. Um, Mary Anne? Have you met Logan? Trust me, he's dorky. Kristy says Bart isn't dorky, either. Kristy? See the response for Logan. Laine's boyfriend, whose name is King, is 15, has bushy purple tipped black hair, and calls her Babe. Stud! Okay, I can see how it would be cool from Laine's perspective to date a 15 year old, but let's think about it the other way. What would a sophomore in high school want with an 8th grader? Laine totally puts out.

Laine stays home the first day Stacey has school, but is so bored that Stacey gets permission for her to come to SMS the next day. Again, Laine did not ask to go, but rather Stacey told her she was going. Laine and Stacey cut study hall to hang out with Claudia and Mary Anne, who are working on a project in the library. I hope they weren't working on the project together, because I definitely would not want Claudia as my school partner. Laine asks if they could go to a local coffeeshop, and is surprised that they can't leave school grounds. She also can't believe that the teacher will only let one kid out to go to the bathroom at a time. Where the hell did Laine go to school, where they get week long vacations, can leave school whenever they want, and hang out in the bathroom during class? They go to lunch, and Stacey arranges to have some boys sit with them. The boys start building food sculptures, except for Pete Black, who can't take his eyes off Laine. He tells Laine she has hair like gossamer, and she laughs at him. That's our girl!

After school, King calls Stacey's house for Laine. Stacey doesn't get the hint at first that Laine wants to have phone sex in private, but then does and overhears parts of the conversation. She hears the word "childish" and stupidly thinks Laine is describing some of the children the club sits for. No, Stacey, she's describing you. After Laine hangs up, the phone rings again, and it's Pete Black! He asks Laine to the dance, and she's just like yeah whatever, which I guess is encouraging, because he tells her she has eyes like limpid pools. Where the hell is he getting this shit?

Oh, the BSC is convinced that Friday the 13th is jinxing the dance, because all sorts of shit starts going down. Bart tells Kristy that he might not want to go to the dance, because there's a game on TV that he wants to watch. What surprises me is that it's not the other way around. Logan asks Mary Anne if they're going to actually dance at the dance. How dare he presume that! Mary Anne gets all huffy because she doesn't like to dance. Laine asks her what she does then, hahaha. Mary Anne says they usually walk around, talk to other people, and eat and stuff. Laine is not impressed. But, I have saved the best fight for last! Mallory and Ben have a study date at the library, and get into a huge argument at the card catalog about whether it's faster to search by author or subject, and get thrown out by the librarian. I nearly die laughing. Mallory has totally earned all of her votes! They all make up by the time of the dance.

Dance time! Laine makes fun of Stacey for wearing red to a Valentine's Day dance. Laine dresses in head to toe black. She's so goth. Laine also makes fun of Stacey for buying shit off of BSC's version of the Home Shopping Network, including some neon pink nail polish and a china clown. She says it's all "junque." Misspelling? Has Laine been hanging out with Claudia? She's also surprised that they're meeting the boys at the dance, because dates are supposed to pick up girls in their cars and drive them to the dance. Um, Laine? They're 13. Plus your super mature boyfriend is 15, which means he can't drive either. They get to the dance, and Pete drops Laine's corsage and it gets trampled by the same wild animals who trample Mary Anne's corsage in Mary Anne Saves the Day. Laine basically hates everything about the dance, including the band, the refreshments, the decorations, and every sixth grader. She also doesn't like Pete, and is sick of him stepping on her precious feet while dancing, so she tells him she's going to rest for awhile. As soon as she sits down, some hot 7th grader asks her to dance and she drools all over herself and accepts. Pete is mega hurt, and Stacey has had enough. She grabs Laine and pulls her out to yell at her. Laine says she wants to go home, and Stacey calls her mom and tells her to pick them up. Laine totally grabs the front seat in the car, and Stacey tries to force her out, but her mom tells her to just go sit in the back. Laine totally rules at Shotgun.

Laine gets on the next train to New York, and goes home, Stacey says she knows their relationship will never be the same, and writes her a kind of snotty letter and sends it off with her half of their best friends necklace enclosed. Claudia comes over, and they watch TV in hopes of purchasing some china clowns.

Sub-plot: The BSC plans a Valentine's Masquerade party for the kids. They all make valentines and sign their names in dumb codes. Carolyn, who has a mullet, likes an older boy, and Marilyn has a crush on a boy too. Nicky Pike makes a valentine for a girl, but won't tell anyone who it is, and the BSC spends tons of time trying to figure out who they all like. Laine makes fun of them, of course, but trust me, Laine, this is way better than hearing about the latest thing that non-Little Pete Jackie Rodowsky broke. They have the party, and Nicky likes Marilyn, who likes him back, but thinks her name is Carolyn. I guess he can't tell the difference between a mullet and regular hair. Carolyn has the hots for James Hobart. I hope they can agree on how to use the card catalog effectively. Ooh, and Nicky and Marilyn hold hands! Do you think that if they break up he'll give her the Bizzer Sign? I hope so!

Look at the expression on Laine's face. She's totally over it.