Wednesday, August 27, 2008

BSC Little Sister #100 Karen's Book

EDIT: Pics are up! Warning: they are not for the faint of heart.

I know, I know. I haven't updated yet. I just started a brand new school and I was too busy being lost and having to park 10 blocks away. You know, usual stuff.

Anyway, I found this book in my bathroom, which is appropriate because it is hella shitty. I've read quite a few Little Sisters in my time, and I have to say this is the worst. Seriously, the ghostwriter just checked out on this one. Oh, and the illustrator. These pictures are so awful, you cannot even comprehend their sheer hideousness. I may have to scan all of them!

The book starts out with Karen blowing bubbles in her milk and spilling and making a mess. Hate! Nannie helps her clean up, and doesn't use contractions in stating so. It's page 1 and I'm already mega pissed. This is going to be a good entry! Emily tries to blow milk bubbles, but ends up choking instead. Perhaps Claudia can teach her that in her next lesson. Everyone eventually leaves Karen to avoid murder charges from choking her to death...or to run errands and do other shit...and she's left alone. What's an annoying ADHD kid to do? Oh, go through the dreaded Chapter 2? I'm gigundoly pissed now.

Fuck Chapter 2.

Karen decides to re-read some of the Little House books (love that shit), and then gets an amazing idea. She is going to write her own life story! She runs downstairs and bothers Watson in his home office so she can get her baby book. Fun story: I was looking at my friend's baby book in high school, and her parents wrote down that she took her first poop. Who does that? Karen's book just consists of normal shit, like her family tree and stuff. She finally leaves her father alone and heads up to her room to start writing the epic novel of our time. Or a piece of shit that I will make fun of, either one.

Karen starts out her story with lies, first saying it was a dark and stormy night when she was born, and then starting over and saying it was the most beautiful spring day ever. Karen puts the hyper in hyperbole. I can shorten her crappy birth story up for you, you know, make it less painful. Basically, Lisa and Watson are walking around and looking at garage sales. They see a rocking chair they want, but while trying to decide to buy it, Lisa starts going into labor. After she comes home from the hospital with the spawn of Satan, they find the rocking chair on their porch, with a note from the guy who previously owned saying some crap about they deserve it or some other shit that I don't care about. Oh yeah, and they named the spawn of Satan Karen because it means pure, and when they looked at her they felt pure joy. Ha, wait until that bitch learns to talk.

Karen grows up a little, and in a few short years, trashes the rocking chair. Dumb bitch. Then her parents tell her they are expecting another baby. Karen's pissed. The little shit even tries to destroy the cake her grandma makes for Andrew when he's ready to come home. Then she cries and acts like a bitch when her mom comes home and sits in the rocking chair with baby Andrew. She has to hand Andrew off and rock Karen instead. I should feel sorry for them, but Watson could've sold her on the black market at any time. A few days later, Andrew starts crying and doesn't stop. While the adults are trying to figure out what is wrong with him, Karen makes faces at him and he stops. That is a total rip-off of Jessi's story about Squirt, but makes zero sense. It's been a few years since I took Developmental Psych, but I'm pretty sure a baby that's a few days old won't recognize a funny face as something humorous. Oh wait, this is Karen. Maybe she's just lying again. Little shit.

Little Shit goes to preschool, and doesn't want Lisa to leave. Hannie comes up and takes her hand and they play together. Little Shit forgets all about being scared and becomes BFF with Hannie.

Karen's parents get divorced, and there's seriously one sentence devoted to that. Did Lisa and Watson just say, "Hey, let's get divorced!" "Okay, that sounds good!" Honestly, no fighting or drama or anything. Karen is sad to leave Hannie, and tries to keep their friendship up over the phone, meaning she tries to have a tea party with Hannie over the phone. Goddamn I hate her. Hannie has to hang up, so Karen continues her tea party outside by herself. Suddenly she notices a girl next door laughing at her. The girl is Nancy, of course, and Karen invites her over to the tea party. There's some dumb shit about them trying to guess each other's names, and Lisa cockblocks it by calling Karen to lunch. I laugh. Nancy and Karen become BFFs.

Next chapter just consists of Karen telling the story about how she forgets everything when she goes back and forth from Watson's to Lisa's and has to rip ber blanket in half and have her parents indulge her and buy her Moosie. I pretty much want to rip my eyes out at this point in the book.

Lisa decides she wants some bookshelves built in her house, and calls a carpenter. That carpenter is Seth. Seth starts coming around a lot to build more shit, which is code for fucking Lisa, and they decide to get married. For some reason, Lisa has her hideous daughter in the wedding as a flower girl. Seth probably decided after meeting Karen that he didn't want any kids. I would.

Here's the next four chapters for you: Karen meets Kristy for the first time, Elizabeth and Watson get married and Karen is the flower girl, Karen is convinced that Mrs. Porter is Morbidda Destiny, and Karen is skipped into Ms. Colman's class (her old teacher probably just wanted to get rid of her).

It took Karen all weekend to write her shitty book, and she makes her family listen to it. They do, and praise her for some reason. Karen is proud, and Nannie offers ice cream, chocolates, and cookies to everyone. Karen is a little pig and takes everything. Yeah, like that kid needs more sugar. Nannie should spike Karen's desserts with Ny-Quil next time.

Pics coming tomorrow when I'm not lazy! Trust me, they're worth the wait.

First of all, this picture is impossible, because Karen could not be holding a book with a picture of the picture she is posing for. Plus I'm surprised the camera didn't break, because she is hella fug.

Emily is a smeary mess, and Karen looks as if she might not have the brain cells to operate milk bubbles.

Do I even need to say anything? These pics are awful!

I'd cry harder if that fug thing was looming above me.

I wish I could live in Scribbleland!

"Oh, NOW I remember why we decided to adopt instead!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

I'm back, bitches.

It's true! And I have a tan! I haven't had one of those since I was about 8 or so! It's very exciting for me.

Camp was great and all, nothing like Camp Mohawk, of course, but then what in BSC history is like real life?

On one of my few days off, I went thrifting and came across the Sweet Valley High board game. You know I bought that shit. It was highly exciting for me, and it still makes me happy to gaze upon it sitting in my room in all it's glory. All I need now is the regular BSC game (I had 2 sets when I was little, but both had all the pieces lost and are long gone) and the BSC mystery game (never had it). Fingers crossed!

Posting should start again soon, for all you who emailed me during the summer salivating at the mouth for new posts. Okay, so it was like 3 people, but try to let me feel a little good about myself. I feel a little out of the loop, so please leave suggestions on what you'd like to see here.

Now I'm off to find the book I'd like to review next!