Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Petals on the Wind, Part 3

There's an end in sight! This is Part 4 and Part 5 in the book, which are both relatively short, but loaded with crazy. Let's not waste any more time, and get to the snarking!

Cathy starts off this part with describing how much everyone loves Jory, who looks just like Julian. Chris, who wants to be Jory's father, tells Cathy they should get their own place. Fuck, Chris, how many times does she have to tell you she's not interested? Chris and Paul both want to be Jory's father, and spoil the hell out of him. Carrie has graduated high school and is working as Paul's secretary. She also spends a lot of time with Jory, but is sad because she thinks she's too small to have a baby of her own someday. Amy Roloff had 4 and she's shorter than you, Carrie! Paul wants to start doing Cathy again, but she says not with Chris in the house. Why not? Maybe he'd get the picture that you don't want him then. Probably not, though, if he hasn't gotten it by now.

Proving that he still doesn't get it, Chris pressures Cathy to move in with him again after he has finished his internship and has been accepted at a hospital that is not close. Cathy says if her life insurance policy would pay for Julian's death she could get her own place. Chris says she needs a good attorney. Then he says she can move in with him AGAIN and she turns him down AGAIN. She tells him to find someone else, and he says she is the only woman alive for him. Go fuck a corpse then, and leave your sister alone.

Cathy starts working as a dance instructor at Madame Marisha's, but soon finds it impossible to work with her. She finds out from her stalking that her mother is back in Bart's hometown (twin city to the town she's in), and decides that it's time for all her crazy plotting to lead to revenge. She also refuses to marry Paul, saying that Chris says she can't marry again until Carrie has. WTF is this, 10 Things I Hate About You? She decides she needs to move out on her own and find herself for awhile.

Cathy rents a small cottage halfway between the two cities, and sends off a blackmail letter to her mother demanding 1 million dollars. Cathy figures she's owed at least this, and I have to agree. Everyday she checks the mail to see if she's gotten her money, and everyday there's nothing there, so everyday she writes another letter. After waiting for a few months she gets the hint that the money's not goinhg to come, so she makes an appointment to see a local attorney, Bart Winslow. Yes, the same Bart Winslow her mother is now married to. She sluts up her clothes and he's in awe of her beauty, of course. He surprises her and tells her that he has seen her dance many times before, for his wife, who was not much interested in ballet before, never missed a performance she was in. Holy crap, Corinne was acting like a mother? Nah, maybe she was just trying to take credit for Cathy's success because Cathy wouldn't have been as good if she hadn't been locked up and had nothing to do but practice every day, and she wouldn't have been locked up if it wasn't for Corinne. Why didn't that crazy bitch have her own book? I would've loved to hear her logic. Anyway, Cathy tells him about her insurance problems, and he says he'll see what he can do. She then starts insulting him by saying that she bets his rich wife leads him around like a dog and some shit. Instead of throwing her bitchy ass out, he says he'll get the insurance money for her.

Bart keeps his word, and 10 days later comes into Cathy's dance studio with a check. She asks about payment and he says for her to be at dinner with him at 8, and to wear blue to match her eyes. I guess Corinne isn't giving up the goods any more. He leaves, and Cathy fights with Madame Marisha because now that she has money she can leave and go teach somewhere else. Madame Marisha doesn't want her to take Jory, who is now 3, away because she wants to teach him how to dance. Cathy says if Jory chooses to dance then she can teach him herself. Madame Marisha nearly pisses her pants at the thought of Jory not being forced to dance, and then they have a big huge fight and I don't really care.

Bart shows up at Cathy's place to take her out and is pleased that she's wearing blue. He takes her to a Chinese place and she starts insulting her mother by calling her stupid, old, and fat. Well, we know the stupid part is true, but we'll see about the others. Bart gets pissed and says he doesn't want to see her again and that he's setting up an office near Foxworth Hall. Cathy asks about his fee for taking care of her insurance matters, and he says he hasn't decided yet. It's a good thing Corinne is rich, because otherwise Bart wouldn't make any money if he collects all his fees like this one.

Cathy knows now that she needs to move near Foxworth Hall. For some reason, she makes Carrie go with her, even though she doesn't want to leave. She probably just wants a full time babysitter so she can go slut around in peace. Cathy decides not to see Bart again about his fee, and puts a check for $200 in the mail and leaves town.

Cathy finds a small house she can afford near Foxworth Hall, and buys a dance studio from a retiring instructor. I don't believe that she'd be that lucky to find a house near Foxworth Hall and a dance studio, but this is a V.C. Andrews book so believablity is of little importance. They settle in, and Carrie gets asked out on a date by a guy named Alex. Cathy asks if she accepted, and Carrie says no, because she's too little. Damn it, Carrie, he wouldn't have asked you out if he thought you were a freak! Cathy tells her to invite him to dinner, and then makes Carrie feel better by saying she'll invite Paul so that Alex won't want her instead. Dinner's great, and Carrie and Alex go off to the movies while Cathy and Paul settle down and are making out when the phone rings. Of course it's Chris, who has a sixth sense that tells him when to cockblock any one that's getting close to his sister. He yells at her for moving near Foxworth Hall and tells her she better not do anything vengeful. Um, Chris? Weren't you locked up for 3 years, too? Doesn't Cathy have a right to be pissed off? Also, shut up and leave your damn sister alone.

Carrie is in love and for once it's not depressing to read about her. She gets herself a pair of platform shoes and cuts her hair shorter so that it makes her head not look so big. Wouldn't she have grown into her head by now? Then one night she's back to being all poopy again. Cathy asks her what's wrong and she says Alex has asked her to marry him. Isn't that a good thing? You can bet my recaps would be a lot more forgiving if my boyfriend asked me to marry him. Cathy is confused too, and then Carrie continues and says that Alex also told her that he wanted to become a minister. She's sad because she thinks that once Alex finds out she's Devil's Spawn (thanks a lot for saying that one, TG) he won't love her. Also, Julian convinced her to fool around with him, and she thinks Alex won't approve of that. Um, don't tell him? Cathy says the same thing, and says that it's her fault for not warning Carrie about Julian, but she told him never to touch her and thought he would obey. Julian didn't take shit from anybody, remember? He probably did it out of spite. Carrie says she's evil, and Alex is never going to change and is going to hate her when he finds out everything. Cathy lists all her good qualities and gives her suggestions, but Carrie turns them all down and is set in her ways.

Carrie stops eating, and is all weak and depressed and just not fun. She should go out and buy some new platforms. New shoes always make me feel better! She asks Cathy to leave Jory with her while Cathy goes to her dance studio to teach. Cathy is hesitant, but does so. She calls Carrie a bunch to check on her, and Carrie assures her everything is okay. Cathy goes back to her teaching, and turns around to discover Bart Winslow staring at her. He says he's been looking for her, and she tells him her day is over at 5 and he can sit and wait until then. He pulls out one of Cathy's blackmail letters to her mother from his pocket and says they need to talk. Busted! He gives her his business card and says he'll be keeping close tabs on her, so she better not try to flee.

Afterwards, Cathy goes home and finds Carrie really sick and laying down. Carrie has stomach cramps and a temperature. A neighbor offers to watch Jory while Cathy takes her to the hospital. At the hospital, Cathy calls Paul and Chris, who come out immediately. Carrie says she has bruises, her hair has been falling out, she has stomach cramps, nausea, and diarrhea. If this was a Lurlene McDaniel book she'd definitely have leukemia, but this is V.C. Andrews, so instead she gives Cathy a letter she's written in which she confesses to coating a package of powdered sugar doughnuts with arsenic and eating them. Why didn't you try cinnamon, Carrie? It's a lot better on powdered sugar doughnuts than rat poison.

Carrie gets worse and worse, and Alex is by her side. He's a complete mess, and says that if God takes Carrie away from him he will lose all faith. Poor Alex. Cathy talks to Carrie to ask her what prompted her to poison herself, and Carrie tells her that she saw their mother on the street and ran up to her and Corinne said she didn't know her. Carrie decided that if her own mother couldn't love her, no one could. I wouldn't base that off of Corinne, Carrie, because she only loves herself. Carrie dies soon after, and instead of Cathy being pissed at herself for moving near Foxworth Hall in the first place, she's even more pissed at Corinne. She vows to make Corinne pay. I don't know why she's just sitting around and writing letters, all she'd have to do was tell everyone that Corinne was her mother and she'd get her revenge. After herself, Corinne loves money best, so it would hurt her big time to lose it all. Do it now before Corinne can spend more on see through negligees! Oh wait, Cathy doesn't possess any sort of logic or common sense, I forgot.

After Carrie is buried, Cathy can't seem to leave her grave. Chris comforts her and tells her Carrie will be fine and that others need Cathy at home. As Cathy leaves she notices a woman in black with a string of pearls around her neck, and realizes it's Corinne. She watches her leave and decides to speed up her plans for revenge. It's about damn time, Cathy! If Chris wasn't such a puss, they could've gotten their revenge long ago when they first made the key to get out of the attic. That's how it happened in the sucky movie version of FITA.

We're finally at Part 5 of the book! I'm so excited! Chris decides to work at the University of Virginia so he can be closer to Cathy, and for once it's Paul begging her to move in with him. Cathy is in high demand. She says no, of course, and returns with Jory to her little house near Foxworth Hall. She gets back into the routine of things, and does her best to avoid Bart. Bart finds her anyway in a diner, and says he read about Carrie's death and is sorry about it. He asks what killed her, and Cathy tells him to ask Corinne. He gets all pissed and pulls out the blackmail letter from his pocket again. Does he just carry it with him all the time or what? He asks what the hell they're about, and Cathy answers him using the same voice and mannerisms of Corinne. Bart asks if she's related to Corinne, since they look alike and sound alike and have some smilar mannerisms. Well, aren't those clues that they're related, dummy? Cathy says you could say that they're related. Bart asks about the blackmail letters again and asks why Corinne should give her a million dollars. Cathy tells him again to ask his wife, and he gets all pissed. He says that every time Corinne receives a letter she freaks out and runs and gets a photo album from a locked trunk and looks through it and cries. Cathy is shocked that Corinne kept their old photo album, and I am, too. Actually, on second thought, Corinne's pretty stupid, so keeping a photo album of her children when she's not supposed to have any sounds about right to me. Cathy lies to Bart and tells him that Malcolm Foxworth had an affair that produced 3 children, and Corinne is her half-aunt. You wuss, you just messed up your chance of ruining your mother's life! He accepts her lie and takes her out for a walk.

They flirt a bunch, and I really don't like Bart. He claims to love Corinne, but has no problem being a man whore. Bart starts talking about lying in bed and hearing beautiful music overhead and dreaming of a lovely young girl dancing to it. He than asks Cathy questions about her childhood, and she counters with questions about his. He tells her some crap we don't care about it and then says she didn't pay him the fee he had in mind. She said she mailed him a check, and he says he's not talking about money. They have a semi-violent make out session, and he says he'll collect the rest of his payment later. You know, if she had proof, she could sue him for this and cause shame to her mother. Cathy doesn't think about this, though.

Cathy has Jory at her dance studio, and he's dancing and mega proud of himself. Jory asks why he doesn't have a daddy. Because Mommy's a ho and trying to steal Grandma's man! Cathy tells him instead that his daddy is in Heaven. Chris stops by, and Jory asks him if he is his daddy, and Chris says no but he'd like to be. Lay off, sicko! Chris yells at Cathy a bunch and tells her to quit screwing around with Bart and leave him and Corinne alone. Cathy grows a pair and tells him she's a big girl and he can stay out of her life. Of course he doesn't, and just continues to yell at her some more. He invites himself over for the weekend, and she makes him sleep in Carrie's old room, thank God. He's sad and pervy, as usual. I really don't like Chris, especially in this book.

After Chris leaves, Cathy puts on a sexy jogging suit and starts running out in the woods near Foxworth Hall. Of course Bart catches up to her and she runs faster, making him chase her. This is all cool until the clumsy bitch trips and falls. I laughed so hard, guys. Bart says he's lonely because Corinne is at a beauty spa trying to lose weight and stuff. TG is in a wheelchair and can't talk and is completely helpless, and I'm sad. How can she do her favorite things now, like whipping people and calling them Devil's Spawn, packing up picnic baskets, and checking everything for sins? Poor TG. Cathy says she's lonely too, and Bart tells her to put Jory to bed early tonight because he's coming over for dinner. Way to invite yourself, Hornball Mc Rudes.

Cathy makes herself look hot for Bart, and gives him a scotch and a good dinner. They start dancing together afterwards and talking, and then Bart gets horny and decides to do Cathy, whether she wants to or not. He holds her down and undresses her, and the grabs her hand and forces her to pull down his zipper. I started laughing because the sex is described as "He entered, and had his too-quick satisfaction, and pulled out before I had any!" Hahahaha, Bart's a Premature Peter! Cathy throws him out, and he laughs at her and tells her what to cook for dinner the next night. He's pretty confident for a man who royally sucks in bed.

The next day, Cathy receives three dozen roses from Bart. She doesn't want them, but Jory does, so she keeps them for him. After picking Jory up from nursery school later, he tells her about one of his little friends whose mother slapped him for copping a feel. He touches Cathy there, because he's been hanging out with his uncle Chris too much, and is happy that she doesn't smack him. She says she loves him, and I'm just creeped out by the whole thing. She stops at the post office and Bart is in there. He asks her how she likes the roses and she says they suck. When she returns home, a box is delivered to her with a diamond rose inside and a not saying that perhaps she'll like that rose better. She doesn't.

That night, Cathy deliberately makes herself look ugly to show him that he can't control her. She wears old sweats and ties her hair up in a bun. Bart comes over and the diamond rose is on his plate. He doesn't really care because he's excited for the dinner he ordered her to make. She lifts the lid off the tray of food on the table, revealing a hot dog and a little bit of baked beans. She let the meal become cold, too. Bart's all like, "WTF is this, bitch?" and Cathy tells him that's what she and Jory ate earlier, and she saved some because if it was good enough for them it would be good enough for him. Bart is pissed, but eats it anyway. She hands him a box of animal crackers for dessert, and he angrily gobbles those down, too. He starts yelling at her for not cooking the meal he wanted or dressing up, and she tells him he can GTFO. He tells her he loves her, and this time they have good sex, including him sucking her toes. God, that's gross.

Bart and Cathy continue to meet and have sex, until one day he says Corinne will be returning soon. Cathy doesn't see what the big deal is, and neither does Bart's penis because he decides to keep on seeing her. A few days after that, Cathy uses the old key Chris made and walks into Foxworth Hall. The lock on the outside door is the same lock as a bedroom one? I'd think they'd have better security than that. Also, how did she not lose the key after they left? I'm surprised Julian didn't find it and destroy it. Cathy goes to TG's bedroom, where she is laying on a bed, unable to move. Cathy starts berating TG for not ever bringing them hot soup in the attic, and I say bitch should shut up because she's lucky she got fed so well (except for those 2 weeks). Cathy paces around the room and brings TG up to speed on what's going on with them; She was a famous ballerina, Chris is a pervy doctor, and Carrie's dead. She brings out a long braid of Carrie's hair that she had collected from the hospital because she couldn't bear to see it go. Cathy undresses TG, and looks at disgust at her body. She's old, Cathy, of course she won't look like a supermodel! There's lots of gross descriptions of a naked old woman, and it's all really unnecessary. Oh, and her vag is called a "mound of Venus." Seriously, someone find a V.C. Andrews book that says penis or vagina. Cathy rolls her over, and whips her once. It causes TG to piss herself and pass out. Cathy feels bad, and starts crying and cleans TG up and puts a salve on the welt. She runs out, grabs a candle, and puts about 6 or 7 drops of melted wax in what's left of TG's hair and then stops. She runs out again to leave, but remembers Carrie's hair, and runs back to the room to find TG staring at it with tears in her eyes. Cathy feels she has now gotten her revenge on TG. She should've just given her a hug and a kiss; TG loves whipping, but hates affection!

Bart comes over and brings Jory some cowboy boots and a poodle. Jory asks Bart if he is his daddy and Bart says no but he wishes he was. Bart tells Cathy that some sadistic idiot put wax in TG's hair and made a welt on her ass that won't heal. TG's circulation is bad because she can't walk, so she has to lay on her stomach for 2-4 hours every day to try to get the welt to heal. Bart's pissed, but not too pissed because he starts undressing Cathy and they have sex again. He tells Cathy later that Corinne has come back and looks hot again, and Cathy stops dressing and turns to him, and he decides she doesn't look that hot and does Cathy again.

Cathy is with Jory at the post office one day and her mother is there. Jory marches up to her and says hi and tells her she's pretty. That's the fastest way to Corinne's heart! He asks her if she dances, and she says no, and he says his mommy can teach her how. She says she's too old to learn, and Jory says she's not and then asks her if she has a little boy he can play with. She says she doesn't have any children, and Cathy steps in and says some women don't deserve children and grabs Jory's hand and leaves.

Cathy has missed a period, and is happy because being pregnant with Bart's child was part of her crazy ass master plan of ruining her mother's life. Her life would be ruined more if she lost all her money! Cathy says she'll tell Bart she's pregnant when she knows for sure.

I guess she knows for sure now, because she tells Bart at her house while calmly knitting baby booties. Bart freaks out, and says she said there was no need for precaution. Bart, you know Cathy's a crazy bitch, why would you believe her? Cathy tells him he has two options: he can divorce Corinne and have the child he's always wanted, or he can stay with her and Cathy will take the baby far away and he'll never get to know his child. This is so straight out of Maury, a woman getting pregnant to keep her boyfriend with her. It never works, ho! Bart can't decide what to do.

Cathy goes shopping and gives a dressmaker a sketch of a the same dress Corinne wore when she met Bart at the Christmas party Cathy and Chris had watched the first year they were locked up. She then gets her hair cut the same way her mother's had been. She forgot a few minor things, so a few days later she calls Chris up and asks if he'd like to go shopping with her. Chris says that until she quits screwing around with Bart Winslow he doesn't want to see her. Cathy - please stay with Bart forever.

Cathy gets ready for her special appearance at the annual Foxworth Christmas party. She has Jory's babysitter style her hair as her mother's had been, but her instructions are so ambiguous that I have no idea how it was done. She tells the babysitter to wave it back softly from her face and then catch it high at the crown with a cluster of curls and to make sure a few hang long enough to brush her shoulders. What? She gets dressed, puts on the same perfume as her mother, and is ready with everything except her jewelry. She gets that from Corinne's hidden jewelry box after she slips into Foxworth Hall using her magical wooden key. She wants to make her entrance at midnight, so she hangs out in the attic until then.

At midnight, she slowly descends the stairs into the ballroom. Her mother sees her and stares in shock. Cathy announces to everyone that she is Catherine Leigh Foxworth, the second child from the first marriage of Corinne Foxworth, and she is wearing the same gown her mother wore years ago when Cathy was 12, and watching the party from a hiding place. She says there is also her older brother, and her dead younger siblings, and they were all locked up in the room upstairs for 3 year before they escaped. Before she can say anything else, Bart announces that she is a famous ballerina who happens to look like Corinne, so he hired her to play this little joke to liven up the party. He then grabs her and makes her dance with him. He asks what the hell she's doing, and she asks him how she would know what dress Corinne wore and what she and Bart said to each other when they met if her story wasn't true. She tells him the combination of Corinne's jewelry box and all sorts of other crap, and Bart still doesn't believe her fully. Bart's stupid. Cathy pushes him away and reiterates her previous announcement to the crowd, only to be stopped this time by an angry Corinne. Bart grabs Corinne and Cathy and pulls them into the library. TG is in there, sitting in her wheelchair. What, TG can't go to the party? If she could move her arms she'd totally whip Corinne for not inviting her. Corinne keeps on denying everything, until Cathy tells her she has the birth certificates. Ruh-roh! Corinne admits to everything, even poisoning them with the arsenic doughnuts.

Here's the very best part of the book! Corinne turns everything that she did around to a pity fest for herself. I guess she's not so dumb after all, because it takes brains to come up with this. She says that her father knew about the kids and that he beat her and was mean to her all the time, and then actually has the nerves to tell Cathy that she thought she had it so tough being locked away and missing out on everything, but at least she wasn't being controlled by her father. Cathy and Bart both call bullshit on Corinne, saying how she could do whatever she wanted and Malcolm thought she was perfect and gave her everything. Oh, and he was way too frail to have ever beaten her. Bart says she sickens him, and Corinne thinks for a minute and then comes up with a new excuse. She poisoned the kids because she wanted them just to get a little sick so she could rush them to the hospital and then tell her mother that they had died. And then do what, dumbass? You live with your parents! Cathy again tells her she's full of shit, because Malcolm was long gone when Corinne started poisoning them. Shit! Corinne says that the butler knew everything and would tell and she'd lose her inheritance. Kill the butler then, not your kids! Cathy asks her what she really did with Cory's body, because no medical records show a boy of 8 dying and being buried around that month. Corinne says he died on the way to the hospital, so she threw the body into a ravine and covered it with sticks and leaves. Cathy says no, she always thought there was another way to get into the attic, and she moved one of the dressers in the room they had stayed in and there was a small room with a dead and rotting odor. Corinne can't come up with any more lies, and is now speechless.

The door to the library opens, and Chris walks in. He used his incest radar to find Cathy. Corinne thinks she's seeing the ghost of her first husband and starts apologizing and shit and Chris asks if she loved them so much why did she feed them arsenic. Corinne screams and runs out of the room. Bart asks Chris if he is Cathy's brother and if Corinne is their mother and Chris says yes, and she was once the mother to twins named Cory and Carrie, too. Bart asks if she had locked them in the attic, and Chris confirms it to be true. He then wishes TG a merry Christmas and tells Cathy they have to leave. Bart says she can't leave because she is pregnant with his baby, and "the blinders have been lifted from his eyes." Cheesy! Suddenly they smell smoke and realize the house is on fire. They escape and then Corinne starts bitching about TG being left in there and Bart runs back in for her. I have no idea why, no one liked TG except for me, and she was pretty close to death anyway. Corinne starts yelling at Cathy, and Chris comes to her defense. Corinne snaps and starts saying al the promises she used to say to Chris while they were in the attic, that it would only be a little while longer and they'd have all the riches of the world and that shit. A paramedic grabs her and throws her into the back of an ambulance. They take her away in a straitjacket.

Bart's body was found soon after clutching TG on the first floor. Both had died from smoke inhalation. Cathy watches the house burn to the ground, and then Chris remembers why he came to get her in the first place. Henny had a stroke and Paul had a heart attack while trying to save her. They leave and go to him.

Now we skip forward. Cathy has Bart's child, a boy she names Bart Winslow Sheffield. Jory is now 7, and Cathy is married to Paul, who is very weak and pretty much bedridden. Cathy says they didn't even have sex on their wedding night. Whatever shall she do? Paul must be on some crazy medication, because he tells Cathy that her sons need a father, and he won't be alive much longer so he can't be it. He tells her to be with Chris, and that Jory knows he is his uncle now but will soon forget and think he is his stepfather. It's not like he's a baby, a 7 year old won't just forget like that!

Cathy talks to Chris later while they take Bart and Jory fishing. She says that she and Paul had sex for the first time since they were married 3 years ago, and then asks if it's safe. Shouldn't you make sure it's safe before you do it? Chris says it is as long as it's not too intense. Cathy says they took it easy. Well, that doesn't sound like much fun! Apparently the boys think they have two dads, because Jory says just that. Weird. They go home to find Paul asleep on his front porch, just as he had been the first day they arrived. Cathy bathes the boys and then comes back to check on Paul and finds out he has died in his sleep.

Paul left everything to Cathy in his will, including the house, but if she should ever decide to sell the house his sister Amanda was to have the final bid. Cathy does sell it, but makes sure Amanda has to pay a lot for it. She and Chris move to California, where they raise Bart and Jory together as husband and wife. I think in another book it says that they are married, but it doesn't in this one. Every summer they visit people back east, like Madame Marisha and Madame Zolta. They also visit the graves of Bart, Julian, Paul, Henny, Carrie, and their father. Last they visit Corinne in the nuthouse, but Cathy can't see her because Corinne starts pulling out her hair and screaming and shit. She doesn't react well to Chris either because she thinks he's under Cathy's control. If she ever recovers she won't be charged with murder because Chris and Cathy both deny Cory ever existed. I don't understand why. Also, they never say what happened to her money.

Chris is all happy now that he gets to live with Cathy, but Cathy has done some weird ass things. She put two twin sized beds that were big enough for her sons up in the attic but doesn't remember doing it and wonders how they got there, and has purchased a picnic basket like the one TG used. Cathy says she's not like her mother and fears the worst in herself and would never lock away her sons, even if Jory someday remembered that Chris was really his uncle and told everyone. I think they should book a room for Cathy next to Corinne.

And so ends Petals on the Wind...finally! Man, that was a long ass book. Here's the front cover:

A little creepy because they're brother and sister, but not too bad. However, the inside cover, with it's obvious mistake, is mega creepy:

Chris totes wants to touch Cathy's boob. It's a mistake that Chris is even pictured, as he wasn't there when Cathy went to confront TG, but the biggest mistake is Carrie's presence, because she was dead by then! Maybe the artist didn't want to spoil the fact that she died, and if that's the case a different scene should've been picked. Also, TG scares the hell out of me.

Cover images taken from The V.C. Andrews Cover Gallery at because I'm too lazy to go upstairs and scan my own.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Petals on the Wind, Part 2

Let's continue our saga of sluttiness! For those reading along, this is the second half of Part 2 and all of Part 3 in the book. I left off at a really good part!

It's Paul's birthday! Cathy is planning a surprise party for him for when he arrives home from a business trip. She made a cake from scratch and everything. She says that she messed up the first cake, so she frosted it and gave it to the neighborhood kids. Was she just like, "Free cake!" while standing outside in a negligee? Chris has to be back at Duke early, so he can only stay a little while. Cathy primps herself all up and totally gives Chris another boner (6!) and makes Carrie jealous. They wait and wait for Paul while dinner dries out in the oven. Cathy is nervous, and if you get the parallelism, you know why. Chris leaves to go back to school and Cathy puts Carrie to bed. Paul comes in 3 hours late and Cathy rips him a new one. He says his flight was delayed, but that's no excuse for our ho. They sit down and eat, and Cathy brings out the cake she made for him. Paul grew a mustache for her while he was away because she kept on saying how much she liked them. Cathy questions Paul about a nurse at the hospital that wants to jump his bones, but he denies any involvement with her. Given Paul's previous cheating history, I'm not inclined to believe him, but oh well. Especially since, as blue828 pointed out, Cathy is a huge tease.

Paul asks about Julian, and Cathy says she only sometimes wants him. Poor Julian. Then she starts getting all crazy outside and dancing and shit and Paul grabs her and they make out. She says she didn't have enough money for a shiny silver Cadillac to give him for his birthday, so she decided to give him second best - herself. Cheapskate!

He keeps on resisting her, but gives in as soon as she touches his no-no place. Guys are so easily persuaded! They have sex, and Cathy doesn't know what the term "come" is, and the whole description of the encounter was totally written by a virgin, because let me tell you "hot juices spurting forth to pleasantly warm my insides five or six times" isn't happening. More like, "oh gross, I hope I can make it to the bathroom before this shit falls out and stains the sheets." Too much info? Sorry, guys. I really wish I hadn't read V.C. Andrews books before I had sex for the first time, so I would have had more realistic expectations. Anyway, the whole description in the book is gross. For all you V.C. Andrews fans out there, find me a book where the author actually says penis. I don't think one exists. It's like reading a passage written by a 12 year old who isn't comfortable using technical terms.

They lay in bed and Paul explains his dirty talk to the clueless Cathy, because clearly Chris didn't teach her everything. They continue having sex on a regular basis, mostly when Henny is out or has the day off so she doesn't know. Who cares about Henny, where is Carrie during all of this? Poor girl is forgotten all the time. After Thanksgiving, Cathy tells Paul she wants to go to Foxworth Hall for Christmas. You know, watch home movies with her mom, bake cookies with TG, that sort of thing. Well, she doesn't say that, but it would be totally awesome if she did. Can you imagine baking cookies with TG? "You can't mix butterscotch chips with peanut butter ones! Forty lashes!" I love TG. Back to the book, Chris freaks out and Carrie cries. I guess the trip is a no, then. TG sadly puts away her measuring cups and whip.

Since Paul is completely whipped, he takes them to Foxworth Hall anyway. Chris refuses to leave the train station, and when Carrie sees the house she starts screaming to go see their mother. They drive back to the train station, pick up Chris, and go home.

Paul is bathing Cathy a few days later - seriously - when it occurs to her that she should be ashamed of seducing her adoptive father. Paul tells her to look at him naked and that it's not sinful at all. Add that to the lines that teenage boys will say to get their girlfriends to have sex with them. They have sex a bunch, and Cathy describes Paul going down on her, and I wonder why the hell I ever decided to recap this particular series.

Julian is still pressuring Cathy to join his company in New York, and finally finally she decides to go. Seriously, it would pretty much be the best choice she could make for her dancing career. I mean, Center Stage didn't take place in South Carolina. Cathy graduates high school a semester early, and makes plans to leave. After making out with her brother and adoptive father, she finally gets on the damn plane. It's about time they quit talking and actually did something.

Cathy meets her new dance producer type thing, Madame Zolta. Add Zolta to the list of things B.Z. could stand for. Julian presents Cathy to her, and she goes about and feels Cathy up. I guess that's her way of saying hello. Cathy moves into an apartment with two other dancers in the company, Yolanda and April. Yolanda is a loud ass ho who likes to walk around naked, and April is very quiet and respectful. Of course we'll never hear about April again. Julian tells everyone in the company that he and Cathy are lovers, and Cathy is pissed. She still gets asked out on tons of dates by boys in the company, though. I find it odd that there are so many straight guys there. Madame Zolta continually picks on Cathy, and one day Cathy tells her to go to hell. It's totally awesome, and Madame Zolta feels the same way because she quiets down and respects Cathy now. She says a dancer without fire is no dancer at all.

Cathy gets chosen to be Clara in a televised Christmastime performance of The Nutcracker. She calls home to tell Paul and everyone is all excited. After they finish taping that August, dumb Yolanda sprains her ankle and Cathy takes over for her as Aurora in Sleeping Beauty. Madame Zolta recasts Julian as the prince, saying that they have a certain magic between them on stage. The audience loses their shit and loves it, and Julian kisses Cathy during their last curtain call. She's pissed at him for doing it, and he's pissed at her for not wanting him. Sorry, Julian, you'd have a better chance with her if Paul adopted you, too. At the after party, Cathy's family is there, and Chris dances with her and they argue about her not being with him, either. Cathy motions to Paul, who cuts in, and Chris walks right over to Yolanda. I guess we're supposed to be disappointed by that, but I'm happy that Chris is going to go for a girl that isn't his relative. Paul takes Cathy out to dinner where they check up on each other to see if there's any cheating going on, and then they go register at the nearest hotel (a different one from the one Chris, Carrie, and Henny are at) and go at it like rabbits for awhile. Paul proposes to Cathy, and she accepts. They decide to wait until Christmas to break the news to everyone else, mainly Chris.

Since Julian and Cathy are such great dancers, they begin to earn more money, and Julian threatens to leave the company and take Cathy with him so Madame Zolta sells him her Cadillac. Julian and Cathy go driving around New York in it, and again Julian comes on to her. He says that she's scared because she's still a virgin, and he'll be gentle with her. Virgin?!!? Has he met Cathy? She resists him again, and he calls her a cocktease. Score 1 for blue828! Hekicks her ass out of his car and drives away, leaving her on the street. Go Julian! Cathy takes a cab back to her apartment, where she discovers that she left her purse in Julian's car. She runs upstairs and asks Yolanda for a quick loan, and she gives it to her with the promise that Cathy will do a favor for her. Cathy agrees and runs downstairs and pays the cabbie. Yolanda tells Cathy she wants her to invite Chris over the next weekend. Cathy freaks out and calls her a whore. Yolanda grabs her, and Cathy punches her in the face. It's pretty awesome. Cathy packs her shit up and leaves.

Cathy takes all her luggage to Julian's to demand for her purse back. Julian tells her that he's not dumb and he's seen the way she looks at Paul, and at Chris, too. He says he's never seen a brother and sister so in love with each other. Why couldn't Julian stay this cool? Cathy slaps him, even though everything he said was true, and Julian slaps her back. Julian doesn't take any shit! He holds her down, and Cathy thinks he's going to rape her, but he just tells her that she's his and he'll kill any man that comes between them. There goes all the coolness! He throws her purse at her, and she says she'll never dance with him again.

Cathy goes to Madame Zolta and explains why she can't live with Yolanda any more. Madame Zolta says Yolanda is just jealous of Cathy, but gives her a small raise and tells her where to find a cheap single apartment. Cathy scores one, and after a few days there writes another crazy letter to her mother. She also starts sending her mother any news clippings that come out about Cathy's performances. I hope Corinne shows them to TG.

Julian barges in Cathy's apartment one morning and says that Madame Zolta has announced that the company is going on tour in London! He very modestly says it's all because of Cathy's and his sensational dancing. He starts going on and on about the life he and Cathy could have together, but she tells him she doesn't love him and she's been engaged for some time now. Julian gets pissed and yells at her for leading him on (point 2!) and leaves. If Julian could just quit the woman beating, I'd totally love him.

Christmas time! Chris meets Cathy at the airport and tries to kiss her on the lips, but she turns her head and he gets her cheek. Denied! Cathy says they have the best Christmas they had ever had. Carrie seems happy, and has grown a little bit. On a side note, in my child psychology class we learned that children whose growth had been stunted because of their environment flourished greatly when placed in a healthier one. I wish this would happen for Carrie, but she's only grown an inch and a half. Chris gives Cathy a locket with a diamond chip on it and a love poem. Nerd. Paul gives her a grey fox coat. I'm not anti-fur for ethical reasons (not that I necessarily agree with it), I just think it's ugly. I picture Cathy looking like a tramp. An expensive tramp, but a tramp nonetheless. Chris is pissed about the coat, because he's jealous and knows something is going on between Paul and Cathy. Paul shows Cathy the new color TV he bought so that they didn't have to watch her Nutcracker performance in black and white. They all watch it together, and Chris tells Cathy that he can see that Julian is in love with her and she needs to turn him off fast. Chris needs to STFU because that's his sister, not his girlfriend.

Later on, Cathy and Paul have sex a bunch and then just as she's doing the walk of shame back to her room, Chris comes out of his. He's hurt, and Cathy feels bad. Why? It's your brother, not your ex boyfriend! Ugh, fucking incestuous kids these days.

The next day Chris tells Cathy to give Paul back the fur coat. But it's not his size! Chris says it makes Cathy look like a kept woman. Cathy tells him that she loves Paul and that they are planning on getting married. Chris is pissed as all hell and does not take the news very well.

Cathy takes a ring she bought for Carrie to the local jeweler to get it sized. Her mother walks in, and asks the jeweler for a recommendation for a gift for a young girl. Who the fuck could she be buying something for? Does she think Chris, Cathy, and Carrie are still in the attic? It wouldn't surprise me a bit, Corinne was never a quick one. Cathy crazily fantasizes for awhile in the store, and Paul comes in to take her home. You sure you want to deal with this crap for the rest of your life, Paul?

Cathy is dressing for dinner when Chris comes in and starts yelling at her and begging her not to marry Paul. He says they can go off and live together with Carrie, and don't need a sexual relationship. Yeah, right. Cathy says no, and Chris tells her that even Julian would be better for her than Paul because Paul will be old and dried up when Cathy is at her sexual peak. I find it highly inappropriate for Chris to be discussing his sister's sexual peak with her, but this is nothing compared to the inappropriateness of making out with her and feeling her up. Cathy tells him to stop being jealous because he's slept with other girls (really?) and she loves Paul and nothing will stop her from marrying him. Chris says that if he tells Paul about their relationship he won't want her. He tries to be all scary about this threat, but Cathy steals his glory and tells him she already has. Chris runs out of the room. Round 1 - Cathy!

Chris refuses to go out to dinner with the rest of the family, and instead stays home and pouts. Paul puts a two carat diamond on Cathy's finger, and I'm jealous. They dance together and Cathy believes they will be happy forever.

Cathy goes back to her dance company, and everyone is working their asses off. Julian yells at her during practice for not doing some steps right, but it's all his fault. Cathy is supposed to fall back and have Julian catch her, but since he's a woman beater, she doesn't trust him now. Oh, and it is also said that Julian is wearing only a loin cloth. Does that mean everyone gets an eyeful of his junk when he does turns? They keep on practicing, and she still can't trust him, and he yells at her some more. He tells her that even if he hated her, he wouldn't let her fall, and he doesn't hate her yet. Good to know. At performance time, Madame Zolta notices Yolanda, who has the female lead, looking all weird. She sniffs her out like Gruff McGruff and smells weed on her. She says that no dancer of hers is going to go out high and cheat the audience out of a good performance, so she sends Cathy to dance the lead in her place. Yolanda's pissed, and Cathy and Julian are once again amazing together.

After the show, Madame Zolta says there is a woman who flew in just to see Cathy. Cathy meets her, and the woman coldly says that she's pretty and an exceptional dancer. She says Cathy has a nice fur coat, and says that she supposes her brother gave it to her. She is Paul's sister, Amanda. Amanda tells Cathy that she's not Paul's first little playmate, though he's never given a fur coat and a diamond to the others before. She tells Cathy that Paul likes his women young, and that he'll tire of Cathy when she begins to grow old. He'll be dead by then, he was 41 when she was 17! Amanda also says their affair is being greatly gossiped about, and ruining Paul's career. I can see that. Cathy tells her to GTFO, and Amanda says something about Julia, Paul's first wife. Cathy says that Julia was no wife to Paul, and Amanda says that Julia was the sweetest girl ever and just couldn't give him all the sex he wanted and the kind if sex he wanted. What kind of sex did he want? She says that Paul put a baby in Cathy, and her D&C was an abortion of a two headed embryo that he keeps in a jar on his desk. What. The. Fuck? She says that it's a sin for Cathy to be screwing around with a married man, and Cathy says that Paul's a widower. Amanda tells her that though Scotty drowned that day Julia lives on in an institution. She then hands Cathy some pictures to prove it, and tells her to marry her dance partner instead because he's obviously in love with her.

Cathy goes to an after party with Julian, and gets drunk. Julian tells her he loves her and that he's never had a virgin before. Cathy tells him she's not a virgin, but Julian insists she is. Okay, Julian, whatever you say. She says he can have her for one night only. What about Paul? Julian wants her right then, but she says she's drunk and can't. He says she said yes and now she's his forever. What part of one night didn't Julian understand?

Cathy and Julian are married a few days later. What part of one night didn't Cathy understand? Julian is super happy but Cathy is depressed. Why did you marry him if you know you don't love him? Stupid ho didn't even talk to Paul and give him a chance to explain things! Julian does eventually make her want him, because he's damn good in bed. At least Cathy has that going for her.

They go off to London with the dance company, and Julian is annoying as all hell. He doesn't leave Cathy alone ever, even demanding on being in the bathroom with her. I bet eating a Crave Case full of White Castles will get him out of the bathroom with her real quick. He also endlessly questions her about her past and everything, as if she can't even have any privacy in her own head. He asks why she finally decided to marry him, and she yells at him and says that he was bugging her all the time and he said she could learn to love him, but she doesn't and she's made a mistake. Julian cries, and Cathy feels bad and tells him to just take things slower and let her come to him.

Soon Cathy and Julian fly to South Carolina to visit her family. She hasn't told Paul about her marriage yet, even though it's been months. When the hell was she going to tell him, their planned wedding day? She has Julian wait in the car, but loses her nerve about telling Paul about the marriage. Julian comes in and they all have a very tense and uncomfortable dinner, and Cathy and Paul talk in private later on. She tells him about Amanda's visit and asks him why he didn't tell her about Julia still being alive. He doesn't really give a reason why he never told her, but says that Julia finally died a month after he and Cathy started having sex. He also says that Cathy did not have an abortion, and the freak baby he has in a jar on his desk is nothing more than an old joke from med school. Cathy is emotionless and tells Paul she can't marry him because after Amanda's visit she married Julian. That's why you should've talked to Paul before going off with Julian, stupid! Paul is understandably very upset.

Cathy receives word that her old dance teacher and Julian's father, Georges, is on his deathbed. Julian knew of this, but didn't say anything because he resents his father. Cathy drags him to the hospital to see him. Georges dies soon after, and Madame Marisha gives Cathy some advice on loving and living with Julian. Basically she has to ignore his temper, violence, and jealousy, and love him more for it. Right.

Chris comes home for break, and is mega pissed that Cathy married Julian. You told her to do it, asshole! Chris decides that Paul wasn't so bad. Maybe you could've told her that before, instead of pouting that she wasn't marrying you. Carrie starts yelling at Cathy for hurting Paul, and tells her to leave because no one wants her there. Go Carrie! Cathy and Paul talk later, and she says she should've waited and talked to him about the shit Amanda said before marrying Julian. Duh! She tries to give him the engagement ring back, but he tells her to keep it.

Cathy and Julian get an apartment together in New York, and Julian goes all batshit crazy. He says Carrie may come for visits, but he is always numero uno in Cathy's life. He also says he doesn't like the looks he sees Cathy giving Paul and Chris, so they can't visit ever. Instead of walking out, Cathy decides to deal with this shit and learn to love him. Yeah, okay.

Damn Part 2 of the book was long! Now we're starting Part 3, and Chris is visitn Cathy in New York while Julian is at a rehearsal. Julian is pissed as fuck when he comes back and tells Chris to get out and forget he ever had a sister. This doesn't seem so crazy when you think about the fact that Cathy and Chris are also ex lovers and Chris still wants Cathy hardcore. It's still pretty crazy though. Carrie comes to visit the summer she's 15, and is excited that she's finally wearing a bra. Cathy is sad that she's only four foot six, and wonders if Cory would've been the same. Julian says that Carrie has a fabulous face and that he might just kick out Cathy and marry her instead. Cathy is pissed, because she says they've had many arguments about Julian caring too much for very young girls. Julian's a total pedo, all obsessed with virginity and everything. Cathy is happy that there is one member of her family that Julian approves of, though.

Julian and Cathy have now been married for five years, and are in Spain on vacation. Cathy receives an invitation in the mail to Chris's graduation. Chris wrote a letter with it saying that he is the top of his class and he couldn't possibly accept his M.D. without her there to see it. Cathy and Julian are doing a taped performance of Giselle soon after the graduation, so she tells Julian she'll go and be back in plenty of time for the rehearsals. Julian throws a fit and tells her she's not going. They have a huge fight, and then Julian decides it's sexytime. Cathy pushes him away and tells him she's going whether he likes it or not. Julian says when they married he became her ruler, and will remain so until he kicks her out. Cathy closes her eyes and lets Julian do what he wants with her for awhile, but refuses to promise not to go. She says he can't hit her because a bruise will show on the tape, and he can't replace her because he's grown so accustomed to her weight and height while dancing. She also throws in his face his affairs with little girls, and he beats her up and gives her at least two black eyes. He says he's going to hide her passport and tell everyone at the taping that she's sick and can't make it, and then rapes her. Julian sucks now!

The next morning Cathy has breakfast prepared for Julian. He is happy and gobbles it all down, and after he's passed out from the buttload of sleeping pills Cathy had dumped in his coffee she searches for her passport. She finds it under the rug where he's hidden it, and leaves.

She has a great time with her family, and either her black eyes healed on the plane ride or everyone thinks she's going goth now, because no one mentions them. Chris tries to make out with her, and says he'll throw away his M.D. if she just stays with him. You wouldn't do it before when she wanted you to! She tells him to leave her alone. A few days later he hands her a newspaper that says that Yolanda is replacing her in Giselle and that it is rumored that she and Julian are splitting up. She visits Madame Marisha, who talks to her about Julian, and decides that she loves him after all. Chris flies with her to New York, and they immediately go to the rehearsals. Julian is fucking up because he's not accustomed to Yolanda's body, and Cathy secretly warms up backstage. She pushes Yolanda out of the way, and she and Julian fight all while performing the dance perfectly. Julian ends the fight by jumping and landing right on Cathy's toes, and leaves her collapsed on the stage in pain.

After a trip to the emergency room, Chris brings Cathy back to her apartment. She has 3 broken toes on her left foot, and 1 on her right. Her big toes were fine, so she's not in danger of having to quit dancing. At her apartment, everything that was hers is completely ruined. All her clothes are cut up, her vases smashed, jewelry hammered, and pictures slashed. Chris is pissed, but Cathy is so hopped up on pain pills that she's not surprised and just wants to sleep. When she wakes up Julian still hasn't returned, and Chris tells her to leave him and marry him instead. Goddamnit, Chris, knock it off! Cathy tells him that while she was visiting Paul's she had a doctor's appointment and found out she was pregnant. Chris is sad at first, but then tells Cathy again to leave Julian and be with him, and he'll be the father to her baby. Shut up, Chris. She says no, and falls back asleep. She is awakened by the telephone, and it's a nurse telling her that Julian has been in a car accident and she needs to come to the hospital right away.

Chris takes her to the hospital, and Julian is all sorts of fucked up. He has a broken neck, among other things, and is temporarily paralyzed. Yolanda, who was in the car with him, wasn't so lucky, and died. Cathy tells him she loves him and that she's having her baby, and he tells her to get rid of it. A few days later he kills himself by cutting his IV and letting air seep into his veins. Cathy says that she knew that if he couldn't dance he felt his life wasn't worth living.

A very depressed Cathy returns to Paul's at his insistence. He wants to make sure she's taken care of during her pregnancy. Cathy spends her days writing crazy letters to her mother and being waited on by everyone. She and Paul begin making out again, and Chris is pissed. Is he going to say that he liked Julian now, and she should've stayed married to him? Finally, on Valentine's Day, which also would've been her sixth wedding anniversary, Cathy gives birth to a baby boy who she names Julian Janus Marquet, but decides to call Jory. Paul asks why she wants to call him Jory, and Chris answers that if he had been blonde she would've called him Cory, but instead the J will be for Julian and the rest for Cory. Cathy is pleased that someone understands her crazy ass.

And so ends this day's section! Tomorrow will be the last two parts of the book, and then I'll be done! So keep checking back, because I know you're dying to find out what Cathy's crazy ass will do next, and who she'll do next.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Petals on the Wind, Part 1

I know, I know. It's taken me a long time to do this, but here it is in all its glory. Well, the first part of its glory anyway. Since the different sections in this book are all uneven, I guess I'll be doing all of Part 1 and half of Part 2, in case you're reading along.

POTW picks up right where Flowers in the Attic left off. Chris, Cathy, and Carrie are on a bus on their way to Sarasota, Florida. Their goal is to become aerialists in the circus, since they spent so much time on the rafters in the attic. I recall exactly one time in FITA when Chris was on the rafters, but I'll go with it. Minor continuity issues like this aren't nearly as bad as stuff like changing the spelling of a character's name from book to book (I'm looking at you, Corinne and Gabrielle.).

Anyway, Carrie is sick and puking all over herself. Some asshole yells at the bus driver and says that they better get the sick kid off the bus. Look, I know it would be gross having to ride a bus with someone who is barfing, but they paid their ticket just like you. A huge black lady who is mute but can hear helps them and gives the bus driver directions to the house she cleans, where the man who owns it is a doctor. Somehow I don't think Jessi would approve of a black lady being fat and a housekeeper.

They get to the house and the doctor, Paul Sheffield, is sleeping on the porch. He wakes up and looks Carrie over. They tell him they are orphans, and he says Carrie needs to be hospitalized for at least two weeks. Guessing that they are lying about their parents being dead, he asks if they are still orphans now that they know it'll cost so much. Cathy breaks down and tells Paul their story, which is more unbelievable in synopsis form. Paul says he wants them to stay with him, as he has a huge ass house and the only person there besides himself is Henny, the housekeeper. They decide to stay until they get better.

Their first night there is difficult, as they haven't slept in separate rooms or beds in about 3 years. Cathy pushes together the two twin beds in the room she's sharing with Carrie to make one big bed, because Carrie threw a shit fit. She and Chris make out for a bit (I don't think I can do a boner count because there's waaaaaaay too many, but I'll try, so Boner #1) and then Chris goes off to his room. Cathy thinks she hears him calling her in the night, so she goes to his room and lays down, which he takes as a sign that it's now sexytime (#2), and she smacks him and tells him to stop. He asks why she came into his room if she didn't want some hot lovin'. Damn it, Chris, not everyone who enters your room wants to have sex with you! He tells her he's not made of steel (just one part!) and to not come into his room again. You'd think all the hours of TV would've taught him something about being able to distinguish between horniness and being scared, but whatevs.

Chris and Cathy have tests at the hospital because of their arsenic poisoning, and they're pretty much okay besides being anemic, pale, and underweight. Cathy also hasn't had her period in more than two months, but she says she's never been regular. She worries about being pregnant. Gross!

After a few weeks, the doctor talks them into staying. He is looking into them becoming his legal wards. He tells Cathy his sob story about his wife and young son, who both had died earlier. Chris and Cathy are hesitant about staying, but Carrie decides she wants to live there so they let an 8 year old decide their fate.

Paul takes the kids shopping for clothes that fit and stuff. Cathy gets a bra and makeup for the first time. Carrie screams bloody murder at the selection of clothes that would fit her, as they are all from the toddler section. Carrie wants red and purple clothes, not baby dresses. Paul solves this problem by getting a sewing machine and saying that Cathy can learn how to sew dresses for Carrie. Carrie has little faith in this, but allows Paul to buy her some dresses in the meantime. Cathy notices how every girl turns and stares at her brother. Must be the Prince Valiant haircut. Chris will soon be going off to a college prep school, Carrie will be at a nearby all girl's boarding school, and Cathy will be at the local high school. They are all nervous about being apart.

That night, Cathy can't sleep so she goes downstairs to gaze outside for awhile. She finds Chris there, and he takes this as an invitation to feel her up (3). She pulls away and he says she'll never be free of him. She kisses him and runs back to her room. What the fuck is wrong with these two? This is basically the main idea of Part 1, as it ends here.

Part 2 starts off with Christmas. The kids use the last of their stolen money to give Paul a robe and Henny a velvet dress in size 58. Holy shit, I've never seen a dress that big! Paul gives them tickets to see The Nutcracker, as performed by the Rosencoff School of Ballet. After the show, they go back stage to meet the dancers and the directors of the company. They are interested in Cathy, and Chris says she's better than any dancer he saw tonight, and that she taught herself to go on pointe. In all my years of dance classes I cannot imagine taking just the basics and then teaching myself the rest, especially while being locked up away from even seeing anything else. I call bullshit on her being so advanced and knowing everything. She gets an audition.

That night Cathy cries to Chris and says that she's out of practice. Can't she ever confide in Carrie? Chris is sick of being cockblocked. Ugh, they start making out and undressing each other (4) and Chris tells her they can go to his room and have sex but she says no because Paul might hear. He says Carrie can sleep through anything so they can do it in Cathy's room then. Sick, imagine waking up to your older brother and sister having sex! I'm sorry. She says she'll be with him forever if he gives up being a doctor. I have no idea why this matters. He says no, and carries her up to the room she shares with Carrie, where they get naked and roll around on the floor. He knocks into a bunch of food Cathy has hidden under the bed. He tells her he understands why she hid the food, and that if they just had sex one more time it would last him forever. I doubt it, and so does Cathy, who tells him no, because he's going to be a doctor and leave her. She won't give it up for him again unless he promises to never leave her. Yet she can become a prima ballerina and travel the world. I don't get Cathy's logic, but it becomes apparent in this book that she doesn't really have any.

Audition time! Cathy is dancing awesomely with one of the male dancers, Julian Marquet, until she gets a stomach cramp and starts bleeding all over the place. She sure made an impression! She wakes up in the hospital, where Chris tells her she had a D and C because her missed period must've clotted and then broken free. Gross. He tells her it was not a miscarriage, and she has nothing to worry about. I don't know if I believe him, but since there's no baby I'll let it slide. Cathy receives flowers from Madame Marisha, co-owner of the dance company, that tells her when to show up for class. She is excited about being accepted.

Carrie is nervous about going away to school, and Cathy gives her the parents and the baby from the dollhouse at Foxworth Hall. Carrie is happy to see them, and asks why they have to pretend their mother is dead. Cathy says it's just easier. The next day Chris leaves for his school, and before he leaves tells Cathy she's hot and she better not sleep with Paul. I'd say wtf if it wasn't a plausible command. You'll soon discover Cathy is a big old ho who amasses quite a collection of last names by the end of the book.

The night after Chris leaves, Cathy can't sleep again and goes downstairs to get some warm milk. Yuck. She finds Paul by the fire, and of course she's wearing a see through negligee, because V.C. Andrews women do not own pajama pants and a sweatshirt. He asks what's going on between her and Chris and she babbles on about how she danced in the attic and Chris would watch her (boner happened before, so doesn't count) and says that they did the best they could. Paul asks what the hell that means, and then Cathy goes all slut-nuts. She starts going on and on about how Paul undresses her with his eyes and rips open her negligee to bitch about the see through nightgown underneath and says that it was inappropriate for him to buy it for her. He laughs at her and starts feeling her up, but then stops and says it's wrong. Hey, Paul - tell Chris that. She says it's okay and that she's his whenever he wants her. They kiss, and then he throws her off again and says she's a child. She says he doesn't have to love her, and can just use her whenever he wants. Paul says no, and Cathy runs up to her room. If you think reading this recap of that was confusing, try reading the real thing on pages 69-76.

Cathy goes to school and then ballet class afterwards every day. Julian Marquet hangs around because he wants Cathy. Surprisingly, she's only easy towards inappropriate males, like her brother and her guardian, because she doesn't let Julian come on to her. There's more of Cathy and Paul making out and then pulling away, making out and then pulling away, and it's all pretty dumb. Will somebody just have sex with somebody already? All the male characters have a severe case of blue balls by now! Cathy goes on a date with Julian, who turns out to be Madame Marisha and Georges's (the other owner of the company) son, and he tries to get lucky in the car but she says no. He tries to get her to come dance with him at his company in New York, and she says she'll think about it. She goes home and talks to Chris, who is visiting for the weekend. He feels her up and stuff and then she pulls away. I am getting so sick of writing about that crap.

After Chris goes back to school Cathy puts on a negligee (what else?) and waits for Paul to come home. She plots her revenge against her mother for awhile. Her mother's new husband, Bart Winslow, just happens to be from the town that's a twin city to the town Paul's house is in, so Cathy has subscribed to all the local society newspapers so she can keep on eye on her mother. If you didn't think Cathy was crazy before, this should surely convince you. Paul finally comes home and after fighting and flirting, he tells her the whole story about his first wife, Julia. Julia had been abused by a cousin or something as a child and as a result never wanted to have sex with Paul. He raped her and she became pregnant and had their son, Scotty. Paul cheated on her tons and Julia found out and freaked out. What did you expect, Julia? She said she'd make him pay, and she definitely did by taking Scotty for a walk by the pond and holding herself and him underwater until they both drowned. Cathy is saddened by the story and offers sex as a condolence. One track mind, seriously. Paul resists, and Cathy goes to bed. She decides to devote herself to her dancing. I swear to God I'm not making any of this up.

Cathy plots some more against her mother, thinking about using the four birth certificates she found sewn into the lining of their suitcases and their old friends from the town they used to live in as evidence. Her crazy self is pleased, and she goes to sleep.

Cathy is turning sixteen, and is completely in love with herself. She puts on a sexy dress and does all of her makeup in preparation for her party and literally kisses her reflection in the mirror. Chris tells her it's not becoming to do that, and she whines that she's afraid no one will tell her how beautiful she looks so she has to tell herself. Chris takes the bait and tells her she's hot and makes out with her (5). I think I'm becoming desensitized to this shit. At her party, Julian hits on her, and she resists, so he says the hell with her and leaves. Julian doesn't put up with this wishy-washy shit, which gives him a big edge over Paul and Chris. After the party, Chris gets all jealous of Julian and accuses Cathy of being a ho who will sleep with someone to get an edge on her ballet career. Nah, but she'll do it as a form of repayment for her adoptive father. More love pledges and shit, but not enough to earn Chris boner #6.

Cathy puts together a scrapbook of society articles about her mother. She also visits the library and reads up on Bart Winslow's family. Why doesn't anyone commit this girl? Seriously, they were locked in an attic for three years and slowly poisoned by their mother and no one once suggested therapy?

Now we go into a story about Carrie. Yes, she's still alive, it's just that hos and pervs get the most attention in this book. Carrie's roommate at school sucks and everyone makes fun of her for being so small and having a giant head. A secret society of girls kidnap Carrie during the night and blindfold her and put her on the roof. She freaks out and inches her way back inside. Back at Paul's, Cathy receives a call that the teachers can't find Carrie. They go to the school and find her in the attic, still blindfolded, by a huge stacks of wooden crates. Her leg looks broken, and Cathy must pull her out quickly before the crates fall down. She gets her out and they take her away from the school and decide to enroll her in the public school at home. More importantly, Cathy made it through an entire chapter without slutting around.

Cathy the Crazy mails a mean letter to her mother. Carrie is teased at her new school for being short and deformed looking and this pisses Cathy off at her mother even more. How come Carrie ended up short and weird looking but Chris and Cathy didn't? They spend the summer with Cathy dancing, mailing letters to her mother, and building up her society scrapbook; Chris waiting tables at a restaurant and preparing to go to Duke; and Carrie wandering around being depressed and deformed. Sounds like loads of fun. Cathy sees their mother one day in a store but surprisingly doesn't do anything crazy. Actually, she gets mad at herself for not doing anything crazy and throws a paperweight in a store at a mirror, so I guess that kind of counts.

I'm about halfway through Part 2 of the book now, so I guess I'll end it here. Keep checking back tomorrow for the next part of our story! Will Cathy finally have sex with someone and quit being all talk? Will Chris realize that wanting his sister is gross? Will Carrie grow? Will Julian continue to be normal, and therefore awesome? Will Paul buy Cathy non-sheer pajamas? Anything is possible in a V.C. Andrews book!

Cover image will be shown at the end of the book, because there is a big spoilery mistake on it.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Girl Talk #10 Falling In Like

I chose this book because of the cover. It always makes me laugh!

Allison has signed up to be a peer tutor at school. Her favorite teacher, Ms. Staats, thought it would be a good thing for her to do. Ms. Staats is also my favorite Bradley Junior High teacher, because her name is a palindrome. At lunch, Allison tells Katie, Randy, and Sabrina that she has received the name of who she will be tutoring. Sabrina almost wets her pants in anticipation, and asks who she is. Allison tells her that the she is a he, and Sabrina nearly faints in a puddle of her own urine. She says his name is Billy Dixon, and he is behind in almost every subject. She doesn't know who he is, but Randy does and says he's cool...for Acorn Falls. You see, if you didn't live in New York at one time and wear a black leather jacket and have a mullet, you are not universally cool. Sabrina says Billy's hot, but Allison doesn't want to hear a description of his looks. Where are the hormones, Allison? Sabrina starts telling Billy's dead mom sob story, but is interrupted by a crash in the caf. Some short boy had the nerve to be standing where a badass guy needed to walk, thus causing the badass to bump into him and drop his tray full of food. The short kid's reward was to be lifted up and shaken. That'll teach him to stand! Sabrina tells Allison that the badass was Billy Dixon, and Allison is now scared to meet him after school. I would be too, if his grades didn't improve after five minutes I'd be shaken!

After school, Allison approaches the classroom she's supposed to meet Billy in. He's already there listening to his Walkman (haha!) and doesn't hear her, so she has the opportunity to check him out. She says he reminds her of Randy, because they both dress in black, listen to Walkmans, have attitudes, and are men. Okay, maybe not the last one. He finally notices her, and says that he's waiting for his tutor so unless she's there to be tutored also she needs to GTFO. Allison says that she is his tutor, and Billy thinks she's lying because she's not a teacher. Allison - first thing you need to teach Billy is the definition of the word peer. Oh, wait, I didn't read far enough. She tells him that it's a peer tutoring program and that all the tutors are in the same class as their tutees. Allison starts to get down to business, and begins with math. Our favorite palindrome teacher gave her a list of all the shit she should help Billy with, so she starts with multiplying fractions. She does a problem, saying the steps out loud, and Billy ignores her. She gives the answer and Billy tells her she's wrong. Hahahaha! She double checks her work and is amazed that Billy was able to multiply fractions in his head, because she's an A student and can't do it. So? I got all A's in math and I can barely add in my head. Doesn't mean shit, Allison. Billy calls her dumb, which makes her cry, and he leaves. Allison resolves to be the best tutor ever and get Billy to care about his work. Right.

Allison goes to Fitzie's with the girls and tells them about her awful tutoring experience. She decides that Billy needs a more comfortable place to study in, since he obviously hates school. Like your bed? Sam comes into Fitzie's and blabs on about a bowling alley re-opening, and he and his friends challenge the girls to a game. Allison says she's never bowled before. Wasn't Bowling For Dummies one of the 100 books you read over the summer?

Allison tells her parents about tutoring Billy at dinner, and her mom thinks Billy needs a friend more than a teacher. Allison didn't sign up for the peer friendship program, dumbass. No word on if they were eating homemade cornbread. The next day at school, Palindrome tells her the classroom they were using is being occupied, so she has already told Billy to meet Allison in the library. She tells Allison Billy may be difficult, but she chose her as his tutor for a reason. A sexy reason!

After school, Billy meets Allison in the back of the library (hot!), and she says they should start with social studies because they have a test soon. Billy surprises her by knowing the answer to every question she's asked. However, he doesn't know anything about Squanto because their teacher didn't cover that in class. Allison says it was in the reading, and Billy says he hates reading. Allison reminds us yet again that she over 100 books last summer, and I'm still not impressed. They move on to math, and yet again Billy does the work really fast in his head. Allison asks him why he doesn't hand homework in if he knows how to do it, and he says it takes too long to write down the shit. Allison says he needs to hand something in, and he says that he tried handing in just the answers and the evil Miss Munson accused him of cheating and gave him a zero. Bitch! Allison says he needs to work on his study habits and needs to be in a place more comfortable, and tells him to meet her at her house the next day. Two tutoring sessions and she's already inviting him back to her place? She must've read An Introduction to Skank-tastic-ness last summer. Oh yeah, and Allison says that Billy gives her butterflies in her tummy...and moistness in her panties.

Allison comes home after school the next day to her mom taking fresh cookies out of the oven. I'm coming over! She sets up a study area in her dining room, and Billy arrives. He asks if this is where she studies, and she says she usually does on her window seat in her room. He says he's always wondered if window seats were comfortable. Dirty! Allison doesn't pick up on the come on, and says it's important to study where it's quiet and comfortable. Billy's boner disappears, and Allison says they'll start with math. She says she wants Billy to talk out solving the problem in his head, and she'll write it down for him so that his work is shown. They do some useless word problems, and then Allison says they should move on to English. Billy says hell to the naw, and Allison's mom interrupts to tell them she baked even more cookies and to come get some. I'm already there, Mrs. Cloud. Allison's little brother Charlie comes in his a book and asks Billy for help on some of the words. Billy makes up words, and Allison corrects him, so he gets mad and leaves. Allison's mom wonders if Billy's ever been tested for a reading disorder. Probably not, since he can't read a first grade book. Allison says she'll talk to Ms. Staats about it. I know this isn't unusual, but I'm amazed that kids can go from grade to grade and not know how to read. How is that not noticed by teachers?

Ms. Staats is at a teaching convention the next day, so Allison tries to look up reading disorders in the library. She doesn't find much. That evening it's time for the bowling match, and Allison is the scared. Allison sucks ass in her warm up game, and then Billy comes up and offers to help her. He just wants to touch her. He corrects her hand position, and she knocks down 6 pins. He stays and helps her the whole time, and I call shenanigans because that's totes cheating. One of Sam's friends agrees with me, and wants Billy to leave. They have an almost fight, and Allison turns around to bowl and gets her very first strike. When she turns around for a congratulatory makeout with Billy, he's gone.

At school, Allison finally gets to talk to Ms. Staats and she makes an appointment for Billy to see a reading specialist after school. Allison says it's really important for her to tell Billy about it, and Ms. Staats lets her. What is she going to say that Ms. Staats can't? Plus, I'm predicting now that Billy gets pissed off and doesn't show up for the appointment. Who wants to place a bet?

Allison decides to tell Billy at lunch. She spots him in the caf, and he is wearing a very non-badass outfit: tan pants, a white mock turtleneck, work boots, and a brown leather jacket.

She tells him about the appointment, and guess what? He's pissed and says he's not going! Duh!

Allison goes to Billy's house after school to try to make him listen to her. Billy's house needs a new paint job, porch, and screen door. Clearly, people who live in nice houses aren't dyslexic badasses. Billy's brother lets her in, and the house has threadbare carpet, garbage everywhere, and is just gross. Allison wants to pick up a spange and start cleaning, but then remembers she's there to see Billy. She finds him in the basement with his posse, listeing to heavy metal music. Allison's all uncomfortable around all the other guys, and says she feels like a bird in a poem she once wrote. The bird was in a glass cube, and wanted to go outside but just kept on flying into the walls of the cube. The fuck? The guys ask her what grade she's in, and one of them asks if that hag Munson is still teaching. Allison says yes, even though she doesn't think Miss Munson's a hag. What a kiss ass, Miss Munson's a total hag!

The guys continue to talk to her while Billy ignores her and plays pool, and then they all ask her to an upcoming dance. Gang bang! She says she has to leave to go help her mom with dinner (cornbread's not making itself!) and runs upstairs. As she's about to leave, an arm reaches out in front of her and slams the door shut. Billy creepily asks her why she's in such a hurry, and if this were a Lifetime movie she'd be dragged back downstairs by her hair and all the guys would have a turn. She'd go home and not tell anyone until it came out in a few weeks and there'd be a trial. The guys would call her a whore and say she wanted it, and if she won the case it would make her immediately healed, but if she lost the guys would come after her again and try to do her again, only this time someone would walk in and stop them and it would end with a black screen saying that Allison eventually healed and founded a rape center and the boys were all doing 10-20. I should totally start writing a Lifetime movie.

But this is Girl Talk, not Lifetime, so they stand there and look at each for a bit, with Allison near tears. Billy touches her face and leans in to kiss her, and Allison tells him to leave her alone and runs out.

Telephone Talk: Billy calls Allison and asks her out, Allison calls Randy and tells her, Randy calls Sabrina, and Sabrina calls Katie.

I guess the next day, Allison tells the girls that Billy tested as dyslexic and is going to be seeing a specialist one period a schoolday. Sabrina says then that they need to plan out stuff for Allison's date. Allison is scared, and they decide to do a run through with Katie as Billy. I guess using Randy would've been too obvious. Needless to say, the mock date doesn't help Allison's nervousness at all.

Date time! Allison's mom bought her a new sweater, which Allison wears tucked into her skirt. The book version of Mia Thermopolis screams in anguish. Billy dresses up for the date by wearing a collared shirt, jeans with no holes, and dress shoes. They go to Fitzie's, and there are no open tables so they sit with Billy's posse. Is Fitzie's the only restaurant in Acorn Falls? Billy holds Allison's hand as a way of symbolizing that the gang bang has been called off. He also totally pulls the whole sneakily putting his arms around her shoulders move. Smooth. They go to their movie, and hold hands throughout. Afterwards he takes her home and kisses her. On the cheek. Wuss.

Billy is totally Joe Isuzu wearing a Canadian tuxedo. I love how the background is lighter around their faces, like the drawings of them were thrown in as an afterthought. Also, doesn't it look like Allison's the bored one who hates school and Billy's the one trying to get her to study?

Heart Allison's outfit!

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Girl Talk #13 The Winning Team

My eBay package finally came! All the books look like they've never even been read, so I guess the seller really missed out. I'm going to start off with my favorite book, The Winning Team.

I guess I should start out with describing the 4 main characters. They're all seventh grade girls from Acorn Falls, Minnesota. I totally named my custom neighborhood in the Sims 2 Acorn Falls a few months ago. Anyway, we have Sabrina Wells, a short redhead with tons of energy; Randy Zak, a native New Yorker drummer with a spiky mullet; Katie Campbell, an interesting combination of a super preppy Type A and female hockey player; and Allison Cloud, a quiet Native American poet. That's pretty much the book's description of the girls, but mine's a little different:

Sabrina: Awesome all around, and has better clothes than Claudia. Yes, it's possible!

Randy: Totes tucks one back and irritates the shit out of me because she tries too hard to be weird.

Katie: Seems like she'd be annoying, but is actually pretty cool and relaxed.

Allison: Zzzzzzzz...oh, sorry. Allison is a non-emo poet, which really isn't all that funny and is quite boring. If you've read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants she's totally Lena, but without the love affair. They make a big ass deal about her reading 100 books the previous summer, but I was never impressed because I did that shit all the time.

Okay! We open with Sabrina daydreaming in her math class, taught by the evil Miss Munson. You guys remember when Disney's One Saturday Morning (five hours of summer once a weeeeeeeek!) first started and they had Mrs. Munger's Class, which was an old time class photo that they made talk? I picture Miss Munson as a thinner, angry version of Mrs. Munger (you can watch eps on YouTube). Either that, or she's the teacher from Jimmy Neutron, except mean. Fun fact: Stacey from the BSC show (Jessica Prunell) was one of the very first hosts of One Saturday Morning!

Getting back on track, Sabrina is daydreaming about the school elections, and Miss Munson catches her and rips her a new one. Miss Munson needs to get laid. Class ends, and Sabrina goes to the locker she shares with Katie, and we get our first outfit description. Sabrina reads in her favorite magazine that jean shorts over bright tights was now in, but she didn't have any jean shorts so she stole her older brother's baggy blue gym shorts and wore them over bright yellow tights. To make the outfit even sexier, she also wore a green shirt, red flats, and a purple cardigan. Sabrina is so hot.

I took way too much time to make that. No one else appreciates Sabrina's fashion sense, except Randy, who likes it but thinks it's a little bright. Randy is wearing a silver-green tunic with buttons up the front over black leggings and granny boots, and is carrying her signature black leather jacket. I'm not going to make a picture of it in Paint because it's just not as cool. Her hair is totally business in the front, party in the back, and spikes on top, though. I have to give her credit for purposely having a worse mullet than Karen Brewer's haircut from hell. Randy has balls...literally.

The girls head to lunch, and Sabrina has a cranberry-orange seltzer. She says she only drinks seltzer, and likes to rotate the flavors every day. What exactly is seltzer? Is it like Clearly Canadian? I love that shit. Randy eats radishes because she's weird, and Allison's grandma, who lives with her, has made her homemade cornbread and other "incredible" things. Yum. The most popular girl in their class and the principal's daughter, Stacy Hansen, is already starting to campaign for class president. Stacy's entourage consists of B.Z. Latimer (WTF could B.Z. stand for? Let me know what you think in the comments.), Laurel Spencer, and Eva Malone. Anyone running against Stacy doesn't stand a chance, because she always wins. Stacy reminds the girls of that fact, and Sabrina gets pissed. She stands on her chair and announces to the whole cafeteria that she's running for class president. Sweet!

The girls meet after school at Fitzie's, Acorn Falls's answer to the Dairi Burger. Stacy walks in and tries to psyche Sabrina out, but they just blow her off. They start planning things out for Sabrina's campaign. Katie will be her campaign secretary, Allison will be the presidential adviser (though they don't know what that means), and Randy will be her public relations manager, because she knows the most people at their junior high. They try and think of a good vice-president to run with her. Allison suggests a boy because it would be different, and Randy says Winslow Barton, who is a huge ass computer nerd (like my boyfriend!) that has a mega crush on Sabrina. They decide against him, and Sabrina's twin brother Sam walks in and starts teasing her. They do a Three Stooges act for awhile, and the other girls agree that Sam would be the perfect running mate. Sabrina's against it, but then finally reluctantly agrees. She starts shaking everyone's hands and telling them to vote for Sam and her, but then hears Stacy announce that she's buying everyone free ice cream cones, and to remember to vote Stacy Hansen for president. Buying your votes is cool!

Sabrina goes home and motivates herself by listening to the theme song from Rocky. She runs in place and gives the victory sign, and decides to use the song as her secret campaign weapon: her motivational theme song. She goes down to dinner and tries to act dignified, but Sam ends up accidentally spraying her with a mouthful of spaghetti and meatballs. She runs up to her room, and he comes up and apologizes to her and tells her he'll try to take things more seriously.

The next morning, Sabrina decides to dress more presidential. She goes for a red, white, and blue theme at first, but then changes her mind and tries to find clothes in her school colors, black and orange. She puts her hair in a low ponytail that she thinks makes her look like Paul Revere, and then puts on a black skirt. She doesn't own any solid orange tops, so she puts on a cotton blouse that has vegetables printed all over it. The tomatoes are kind of orange, and the eggplants are kind of black, so she goes with it. She then adds a too small pair of bright orange tights, and tries to decide on a pair of shoes. All of her black shoes are summery, and she can't wear her brown school shoes with her outfit, so she puts on a pair of black snow boots. Can you handle the hotness? Also, doesn't she have a school spirit shirt she could wear instead of the vegetable one? I'm sure her brothers would have at least one t-shirt or jersey or something.

She arrives at school, and none of her friends are digging her outfit. Stacy, by the way, is wearing a blue double breasted blazer with gold stripes on the sleeves and lapels, and a matching skirt. I'll bet anything she has shoulder pads on, too. Sam surprises Sabrina by wearing blue and white striped pants, a red t-shirt, and a homemade top hat with Uncle Sam on it that says "Uncle Sam Wants You To Vote Wells." Hot! Stacy shows her a ball point pen and says that by next week's pep rally the pen will say "Stacy For President" and every kid will have one. I don't think a pen will make people vote for you, Stacy. She asks what Sabrina is giving out, and Sabrina says it's a secret. It's a secret even to her!

After school they have a campaign meeting at Allison's. They decide that their platform should be that Sabrina and Sam are serious about Bradley Junior High and Stacy isn't. They make suggestions of all the shit they want to change, like better school trips, new gym equipment, and more interesting books for the library. Where are you going to get the money to do that, dummies? They decide to have a poster making meeting the weekend after the rally.

Rally time! Sabrina and Sam both go for a red, white, and blue theme, and Stacy and her posse are all wearing orange t-shirts with huge pics of her on the front and a tiny pic of her running mate, Eva, on the back with black leggings and orange and black striped leg warmers. So sexy. She's giving out her pens and basically being a huge two-faced bitch. Winslow Barton is nerding it up by going around and taking an opinion poll. One kid says he hopes Stacy gives out CDs next week because there's a new one he's been meaning to buy. Sabrina is sad until she remembers her secret weapon. She has Winslow tape her headphones over the microphone for the loudspeaker with gauze from the first aid kit (maybe they should add buying tape to their list of changes they want to make) so the theme from Rocky can be played throughout the whole school. Stacy's speech consists of a rap song that goes a little something like this:

If you want a good school president

And you want it one, two, three

Then you better vote for Hansen

Stacy, Stacy, Stacy!

That's it! No speech! Sabrina and Sam play her tape and rock out their speeches. They are super excited and feel they have a good chance of winning.

Now it's time for the poster making meeting at Sabrina's. She realizes that there is no food in the fridge, and creates lettuce, mustard, and ketchup sandwiches. Oh, Sabrina. Everyone comes over and makes fun of her shitty sandwiches. Allison should have brought over a tray of homemade cornbread. Bitch. They come up with some awesome slogans for the posters, like "All's Well That Ends Wells" and "Sabrina and Sam: Because Two Heads Are Better Than One" and the mega lame "Wells! Wells! Wells! For Head Of The Class." Sabrina does the best one after everyone leaves, a hot pink poster with "Sabrina Sparkles" in silver glitter. She accidentally glues her pants to her dad's new car, but pulls herself off with no damage. However, Sam comes in with the leaf blower, trips, and sends glue, glitter, and paint all over. Their dog, Cinnamon, runs in and gets the mess all over herself. Needless to say, they spend the rest of the weekend cleaning the garage and washing the car. They never quite get all the glitter out of their dog's fur, and now she leaves piles of glitter wherever she's been sitting.

At school Stacy is now giving out pins and has professionally made posters all over the school. Do junior high school principals make a lot? I can't understand where she's getting the money for all this crap. Stacy tells Sabrina that the race is all over because everyone is wearing her pins. Yeah, because that means anything. Sabrina and Sam don't know what to give out, since their dad owns a hardware store. Winslow suggests to use stuff from there, and they proclaim him a genius.

The next day, Allison hands out rolls of masking tape (the school did need some) and tells kids to stick with Sabrina and Sam. Katie has bracelets made out of plumbing washers and says "Don't be a drip! Vote for Sabrina and Sam!" They also have mini flashlights ("Don't Be Left In The Dark - Vote Wells"), tape measures ("Sabs and Sam Really Measure Up"), mini hand brooms ("Sabs and Sam Whisk Away The Competition"), wooden spoons ("Sabs and Sam Will Keep Bradley Cookin'"), and necklaces made out of steel nuts ("You're nuts if you don't vote for Sabrina and Sam!"). Sabrina says the kids all loved getting things they could really use. I don't think I'd be impressed by a mini hand broom or a wooden spoon in seventh grade. Now no one is wearing Stacy pins. These kids are so easily bribed. The girls think there's no way they'll lose now, and congratulate themselves at lunch by toasting each other with their food. Pizza toast?

At this point in the book we go to the Telephone Talk, which I always hated. It's basically the girls' phone conversations written in dialogue form. The whole chapter consists of them calling each other and talking about whether or not they'll win the election. It's hella boring.

Sabrina doesn't sleep very well the night before the election, and finally gives up and gets up early to get ready. She wears the outfit pictured on the cover, which is pretty hot, and her mom gives her the Bradley Junior High pin Sabrina's dad gave her when he asked her to go steady (Well, I heard they got pinned! I was hoping they would! Now they're living at last! Going steady for good!). Does that mean her parents have been together since junior high, or was her dad just lame enough to give his ninth grade+ girlfriend his junior high pin?

At school, it's time for their debates. Sabrina and Sam both rock it, and Stacy is out for blood afterwards. Eva says Sabrina and Sam are creeps and don't play fair. I guess Sabrina and Sam were supposed to act like they had the IQ and maturity level of a 3 year old in order for things to be fair. At lunch, the election results are announced over the loudspeaker, and of course Sabrina and Sam win. Did you honestly think they wouldn't? Kids love hardware jewelry!

I like when books have cover images of events that really happened, and Sabrina and Stacy's outfits are exactly as described. Oh, and Stacy must be pretty stupid, because I've never seen a 25 year old junior high student.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Just as Long as We're Together

Let me start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE this book! I don't know if it's my favorite Judy Blume book, because it's so hard to rank them since they're all pretty much awesome, but it's way up there. You know the warm, comforting, and familiar feeling you get when you start re-reading a book that you love, and you just feel so happy? I get that from this and Summer Sisters. Judy Blume, will you marry me?

Stephanie Hirsch has just moved into a new house and is going to be starting seventh grade shortly. She now lives in a subdivision called Palfrey's Pond, which is near her best friend Rachel. I have to say, Rachel kind of annoys me, even though I like her book, too. I'm a Stephanie fan, through and through. Rachel is super tall and a definite Type A personality. She excels at everything, like grades and extracurriculars, and is pretty uptight and a huge neat freak. Steph is more easygoing and sloppy, but I love her hardcore. I mean, she has a poster of a 17 year old Richard Gere on her ceiling which she pretends is her boyfriend named Benjamin Moore. How can you not love her?

The day before school starts Stephanie sees a new girl hanging out by the pond. The new girl, Alison, is really tiny, and has a little dog with her that is described as the kind with fur hanging over its eyes. Oh, you mean like this one?:

That's my Shih Tzu, China. I totally picture Alison's dog Maizie as her. Alison tells Steph she just moved in, and shows her the homeroom assignment she's received in the mail. She's in the same homeroom as Steph, and Steph's surprised because she thought Alison was more like 10 years old. Alison is from LA, where Stephanie's dad is on a business trip. Alison tells Steph that Maizie can talk, and her first language is French. China can only tell you what's on top of the house. Alison says she's Vietnamese and adopted, her mother is American, but her father is French, so she lived in Paris until she was 6. Steph makes herself comfortable, because she loves to hear details of other people's lives. She also totally believes that Maizie can talk. Alison tells her that their vet said that only one in seventeen million dogs can talk. Right.

Rachel tells Steph later at her house that dogs can't talk. But Alison said so, so it must be true! Rachel is doing what everyone does their last day of the summer, going through her closet and taking out clothes that don't fit any more. Oh, did I say everyone? I meant no one. Rachel hasn't done her back to school clothes shopping yet, which is surprising because I'd think she would've done that last January. Stephanie already did hers, and she got a pair of designer jeans. Sexy! Rachel's mom won't let her sister or her buy them because she says they're a rip-off. If they use their own money, what's the big deal? Let them waste their own money if they want them! Stephanie says she doesn't care about labels, she just likes the way they fit. I have to agree with her there, whenever I shell out the big bucks for a nice brand of jeans they're more comfortable and softer and cut better than a cheap-ass pair. Then again, I always have to shell out the big bucks for jeans because designers don't realize that short people exist and that someone with a 28 inch inseam does not appreciate getting the bottoms of the standard 32 inch inseam jeans all gross and wet and stuff. Make all pants come in different lengths, assholes!

Enough of my short person rants! Rachel gives Steph a shirt to try on, and she strips in front of the open window. Rachel yells at her for not wearing a bra, and Steph says it was too hot. Look, Rachel, if you didn't notice before that she didn't have a bra on, then she probably doesn't need one too badly. Rachel shows Steph how she covered her notebooks in old wallpaper, and I totally did that in 5th or 6th grade after reading this book. I'm a follower, I know. Rachel finds the wallpaper, and then tells her parents she's going over to Steph's. They argue about the talking dog possibilities, and Rachel is pised that she's in a different homeroom than Steph. When they get to Steph's she has to return a phone call to her dad, and Rachel covers her notebook with wallpaper for her. Stephanie wanted to do it herself, but Rachel's the boss! Rachel asks Steph if she wants her to put her name in the inside for her, but Steph says it's okay. Rachel says she'll just use a ruler to make lines inside so the letters are even then. Rachel, lay off! Before going to bed, Stephanie finds her ruler and does it herself.

Stephanie introduces Rachel to Alison the next morning. Alison is wearing baggy pants, a ginormous white t-shirt, sunglasses around her neck on a leash, running shoes, and is carrying a canvas bag. Steph thinks she looks great, I think all she needs is a weird hat and a camera and she'd look like the stereotypical tourist. Rachel introduces them to Dana Carpenter, a ninth grader. Another author who has ninth grade as part of junior high! On the bus Steph sees a guy named Jeremy, who is almost as sexy as Benjamin Moore. Steph has studied her Crayolas, so she identifies the color of the jacket he is wearing as chartreuse with a dragon on the back. Rachel says Jeremy has a hot bod. I bet she'd hit that.

Steph and Rachel have homeroom in adjoining rooms, but Rachel makes Steph stay with her until the bell rings. Does she not know any of her other classmates? Stephanie has the Alan Gray of their junior high, Eric Macaulay, in her homeroom. He calls her Hershey Bar, because her last name is Hirsch. It could be worse, guys; he could put yellow M&M's in his eyes and tell everyone he's Little Orphan just about every freaking book that mentions him. Alison starts pulling the shit out of her bag and she has the weirdest assortment of stuff I've ever seen: a stone, a roll of tape, a pad of paper, a pen, cherry lipgloss, and a framed photo. I guess if you need tape you know who to ask? Steph's homeroom teacher, Mrs. Remo, is black. Jessi would approve. After homeroom, Rachel and Steph compare schedules and all they have together are lunch and gym class. Rachel is the sad. She tells Steph that she (Steph) is an eternal optimist like it's a bad thing. Steph doesn't know what that means, and Rachel tells her to look it up. She does, and doesn't see anything wrong with it. Me either!

The girls head over to Alison's after school, and Maizie tells Alison a story about how her stepfather, Leon, took her for a walk that morning and fell into the brook. Alison asks Leon if it's true and he says Maizie wasn't supposed to tell anyone. So Leon just goes along with his stepdaughter's crazy stories? Steph still believes the story, and Rachel tells her later that she's gullible. True.

Steph's mom goes out later that night, and she stays at home with her little brother, Bruce. Bruce has nightmares about bombs and Steph has to comfort him. The next day Bruce writes a letter to the President to tell him to never have a nuclear war. I think Bruce is kind of a messed up little kid. Better take him to a doctor before he sends his ghost friend after you.

Stephanie is meeting Alison and Rachel at her mom's travel agency to go shopping for decorations for Alison's room. Before they get there, sexy ass Jeremy, who the girls call Jeremy Dragon because of his jacket, walks in and asks for some travel brochures. Steph gives him a bunch of them, and is stoked because she got to touch his hand a bunch of times. Ah, to be 12 again. She tells the girls, and they're all excited about it too. They go shopping, and Rachel wants to compare prices on everything and write down stuff they like and where it is, but Steph and Alison just want to buy shit. Alison has her mom's credit card, and gets a new comforter, sheets, throw pillows, lamp shades, and posters. Stephanie is impressed that Alison's mom let her have the credit card, and I am too. Can she adopt me? I have a shoe and high end makeup addiction that could put someone else's credit card to good use.

Steph goes over to Alison's afterwards, and says that her mom looks a lot like the fictional famous actress Gena Farrell. Alison says that's because she is Gena Farrell. Steph isn't as impressed by the credit card now that she knows Alison's mom is rich and famous. Alison acts like it's no big deal, and then teaches Steph a card game called Spit. Since Steph has a one track mind, she forgets all about Alison's mom and starts playing. She remembers later when Rachel arrives. Rachel didn't recognize Alison's mom, and Steph asks a million questions about her. Alison says she doesn't want to talk about her, and Steph is silent for a bit and then asks if Alison ever ate frog legs in France. They all laugh, and we're left hanging on the answer.

Steph, Rachel, and Alison spend some time in the girls bathroom staring out the window and watching Jeremy Dragon play soccer. Pervs! Rachel says he's experienced sexually because he has hairy legs. What? I don't think guys immediately sprout hair on their legs after they have sex. Rachel's dumb. Speaking of Rachel being dumb, Stephanie's mom calls an exterminator, who happens to be the man who bought Steph's old house and is also Jeremy Dragon's father. She freaks out and calls Alison and Rachel and tells them to come over, and Rachel says that she's interested in the dragon jacket, which may be an antique. Her aunt buys antiques, so she's an expert. Mr. Dragon says that was his high school jacket. Rachel - open your mouth, insert foot.

The seventh grade is having a bake sale to put together food baskets for the needy, and if there's money left over then the class gets a winter dance. Sexy! Eric Macaulay, who totes has the hots for Alison, nominates his BFF Peter Klaff for chairperson. Peter is super shy, but accepts. Steph has known him forevs, but is just starting to notice him. She should check his legs for hair.

Rachel the nerdo is trying out for the debate team, and Stephanie is thinking about trying out for the percussion section of the symphonic band, but first has to find out if she has rhythm. Unfortunately, there's no montage to an inspirational hiphop song where an inner city student helps her find her rhythm. I wish there was. Steph and Alison go to Alison's grandma's for a day, but Nerdface stays home to work on her speech (though her real reason is that she gets carsick). Alison's grandma, Sadie is super cool. They make some kickass brownies and she teaches them how to dance. Sadly, having a montage with a hip granny teaching the girls how to dance just doesn't have the same effect as an inner city student trying to overcome their roots. Oh yeah, and Alison confesses to Steph that Maizie really can't talk. No shit, Sherlock.

Sadie's brownies sell very well, and Steph and Alison get to touch Jeremy Dragon's hands when taking his money and giving him brownies. Hot! Rachel has her debate team tryout thing, and wows everyone with her maturity and nerdiness. She makes the team, of course. The seventh grade makes enough money in their bake sale to have a winter dance, which shall be held on Groundhog Day, which is also Steph's birthday. The brownies brought in nearly a fifth of the total sales, and I wonder what Sadie's special recipe contains.

Halloween! The girls dress up as witches, and make plans to go to Jeremy Dragon's, Peter Klaff's, and Eric Macaulay's. Instead of saying trick or treat they are going to say the "double double toil and trouble" crap from Macbeth. Steph says they're too old to trick or treat, but they just want to get into the guys' houses. What? Who lets trick or treaters inside their house? We just open the door, throw them some candy, and send them away. They go to Jeremy Dragon's first, and he recognizes Rachel and knows her name. She gets all pissy when they leave and says that the idea was babyish and she wants to go home. Ho needs to calm down! Stephanie finds out why Rachel was acting all bitchtastic a few days later when she is delivering a note to another teacher and discovers that Rachel has been switched out of seventh grade math into enriched ninth grade math with Jeremy Dragon. Rachel gets all snippy when Steph innocently asks her why she never told her, and I have no idea why. What gives, bitch?

Now it's Thankgiving, and Steph's extended family, plus her mother's widowed friend and her daughter, are coming over to dinner. Steph's dad is flying in from California to come, too! He brings her a sexy sweatshirt, and she tells him she'd really like her own phone line for her birthday. She fantasizes a bit about the number, saying that it will be 662-STPH, and I laugh. Her dad takes Bruce and Steph out to dinner, but her mom stays home to get food ready for Thanksgiving. Steph doesn't think anything is unusual.

Everyone comes the next day, and they all have dinner and stuff. Stephanie tells Widowed Friend's daughter Benjamin Moore is her boyfriend, her aunt's poodle Enchilada barfs on Bruce's shoes, and her cousin Howard is gassy. Steph's dad tells her later on that he wants her to hurry up so they can go into the city that night. Steph asks if her mom has to work in the morning, and her dad lays it out on her that they are separated and he took the job in California to see how living apart would be. Steph is shocked and pissed that no one ever told her, and her dad thought she would've guessed it by now. You tell her you've been transferred at work for a little bit and say nothing about any marital troubles and you expected her to guess it? Dumbass. She refuses to go to New York, and her father and Bruce leave without her. She spends the remainder of her Thanksgiving break stuffing herself full of leftovers while being pissed off at her parents.

Back at school, Peter Klaff demonstrates his mad flirting skills by showing Steph where his mom, who is a doctor, burned two warts off his finger with dry ice. Um, sexy? Stephanie pretends to be interested and tells him his hair smells good, and he tells her he uses apple shampoo. The next day, she finds a bottle of apple shampoo in her desk. Hot! He calls her later at home, but chickens out and just asks her for the math assignment and then hangs up. Steph knows he has the hots for her because his twin sister is also in their math class, so he could've gotten the assignment from her. Peter Klaff knows how to work the ladies.

Stephanie has a twitch in her leg and a pain in her stomach that keep recurring. Rachel says she's probably going to start getting her period soon. Rachel thinks hairy legs = hot lovin' skillz, so it's pretty safe to say she's full of crap. Stephanie does too. At Rachel's house later Steph and Alison find out they'll both be spending Christmas break in California, and Rachel throws a shit fit, saying that Christmas break is when most people get depressed because they have no one special to spend the holidays with. Alison invites her to come along and stay with her family, but Rachel says her family needs her, and runs and locks herself in the bathroom crying. I wonder if her leg has been twitching, because she's totes getting her period soon.

The girls exchange Christmas gifts before vacation starts. Steph gives them purple flowered barrettes, Alison gives them a picture of all of them in a purple suede frame, and Rachel gives them purple t-shirts that say "Friends." I'm surprised she didn't give them dictionaries or day planners or something.

California! Steph's dad has a gf named Iris. Iris sucks ass, and I think her dad's a dick for having his girlfriend there 24/7 when he hardly ever sees his kids and he just broke the news to them about the separation from their mother. Her dad loses my respect even more by telling Steph that she's really been putting on the lbs. Ass. One day while her dad and Bruce are out fishing Steph passive aggressively rips Iris a new one, and she leaves. Her dad tells her later she was rude, but Steph doesn't give a crap. I don't either, her dad should try to have a little tact. Play grab ass with your gf some other time when your kids aren't around, jerk. Steph is depressed, and lies to Alison and tells her she's too busy to visit her in Malibu. Poor Stephanie.

The girls reunite at home and talk about the upcoming dance. Alison devised a way for all three of them to play Spit, and Rachel asks them when they're going to grow up and stop playing such a ridiculous game. I think Rachel may actually be 80, not 13. She probably prefers shuffleboard and bingo. I love bingo. Rachel also says Steph is acting pre-menstrual. I think Rachel is PMS-ing all the time, so I guess she'd know.

School begins again, and Jeremy Dragon is now taken by Dana Carpenter. She's wearing his ID bracelet, and says that he wears a pin of hers pinned to his underwear. Ouch! How does Dana know this? Are her legs hairy now? A new guy shows up in Alison and Steph's homeroom, and he's kind of sexy. His name is Max, and when Rachel sees him at lunch she wets her panties and wants to know all about him. She calls him comely, and I start to wonder why she just doesn't say fine piece of ass, but then I remember that she's a senior citizen.

Steph's mom does an at home version of Jazzercise, and then makes Stephanie step on the scale. She's shocked by all the weight Steph's gained, and says she's calling Dr. Klaff in the morning to get her on a diet. Steph nearly dies of embarrassment at the thought of the possibility of Peter Klaff finding out she's become a fattypants. Her mom cleans out all the junk food from their house, and Steph is sad.

Dana and Jeremy Dragon are now broken up, because his slutty ass made out with an eighth grader named Marcella at a party. The girls are loyal to Dana, and now ignore the Dragoned One. Rachel begs Steph to introduce her to Max at lunch, and then reaffirms my belief that she's 80 by quoting the musical Oklahoma as a way to flirt with him. Somehow he still seems into her, and she blushes and adjusts her dentures.

Bruce wins an anti-war poster competition, and the family gets interviewed by the local paper. He also wins a trip to the White House. I bet Rachel can tell him all about her memories of the White House during the Civil War. Dana tells Steph the next day that she saw the article, and then shows them that she's wearing Jeremy's ID bracelet again. He was really sorry and super sexy, so she took him back. Stephanie gets sent to the school counselor after her English teacher reads her paper entitled "I Used To Be An Optimist But I'm Not Anymore." She doesn't really have much to say to the counselor, but decides to mail her paper to her dad when she gets home.

Steph's mom is going to go to New York for a weekend, and asks Steph if she'd like to stay with a friend. Steph was going to ask Alison, but her mom tells her she already asked Rachel's mom if it was okay. Rachel has to cancel a flute practicing session with a fellow band nerd, but says that her mother is looking forward to having Steph there when Alison offers to hang out with Steph and have her spend the night there. Cold as ice! The girls make plans to go shopping for the Groundhog Day dance, and Rachel says she wants something really wild. How wild can you be with polyester elastic waist pants pulled up to your armpits?

Damn! Jeremy the slut broke up with Dana again! He wants to be free to date other people. You can't turn a ho into a housewife, Dana! The girls tell her that Jeremy's just so interested in sex that he forgets about everything else, and that Dana shouldn't let him try to pressure her into giving it up. Dana tells them that their generation is amazing and that when she was their age she didn't know anything. Um, Dana? They're two years younger than you. I don't think that counts as a different generation. Unless you're talking about Rachel, who predates the baby boomers.

Alison and Steph go to the movies while Rachel is practicing her flute and reliving the days when she hung out with Mozart. They see Jeremy making out with Marcella the eighth grade slut the whole time. Gross! and Tacky! When Steph goes back to Rachel's she finds her in bed reading with a face mask on. Have to firm up those wrinkles! Steph tries to talk to her about all the fun stuff they did when they were growing up, and Rachel says it was all a long time ago and she doesn't think about it. What a bitch. Steph gets all sad and thinks that Rachel doesn't want to be BFF any more.

Steph wakes up the next morning to find Rachel doing her homework. Rachel says she always gets up early on Saturdays to do her homework. NERD. Everyone knows weekend homework is for Sunday nights! She finishes and they eat breakfast. After breakfast Rachel cleans her room, and vacuums and dusts the whole thing. Rachel sure knows how to party on a Saturday.

Rachel's mom drops them off at the place they're meeting Alison to go shopping. At the first store they go to Steph finds her dream outfit, and let me tell you, it's hot. It's a skirt and top made out of dark green sweatshirt material with a lacy collar and little animals on the sleeves. Peter Klaff will not be able to contain his boner. Rachel gets pissed that Steph didn't look at every store before deciding on something. Shut up, Rachel, and go eat some prunes or something. They run into a girl from their class who says she has the hots for Max, and Steph tells her that Max wants Rachel. Rachel gets pissed off and storms away into a supr expensive store and tells the salesperson she wants something informally wild. When she goes to try a pair of pants on Steph notices that they're designer, and Rachel basically tells her to fuck off. She then accuses Steph of lying about her parents (Steph never told Rachel or Alison about the separation) and calls Steph and Alison babies. They have a huge fight, and Steph runs out crying. When she arrives back at Rachel's house she packs her shit and goes to spend the rest of the weekend at Alison's. Good riddance, Rachel was acting like a psycho bitch!

Everyone at home and school is all surprised that Steph and Rachel had a fight and aren't speaking. Have you met Rachel? She's been a ho for most of the book! Steph's dad sends her an amethyst necklace for her birthday, which Steph says she'll wear unless Iris picked it out, because then she'll flush it down the toilet. Nice! Alison and Steph go to the dance, and they see Rachel there. Rachel is wearing a white pleated shirt shaped like a lampshade and white jeans. Sexy! The boys devise a way to get Rachel to dance with Max, Eric with Alison, and Peter with Steph. Or, you know, they could've just asked them, but whatevs. After awhile, Steph heads for the girls' room and, because this is a Judy Blume book, discovers that she has gotten her period for the first time. Her homeroom teacher helps her get everything situated, and then announces to everyone that it is her 13th birthday. Everyone sings to Steph except Rachel, who sucks. At the end of the dance Peter kisses Steph and wishes her a happy birthday.

Rachel's mom dropped off a birthday present for Steph at her house while she was at the dance. Steph's mom says she should call and thank them, but Steph chooses to write them a note instead. A few weeks later she sees Rachel's mom digging her car out of the snow, and she asks Steph what went on between her and Rachel, and then proceeds to blame the whole thing on Steph. No way! Rachel was being the bitch! Stephanie is understandably very pissed.

Steph's dad calls and tells her that he broke up with Iris and he's moving back. However, he's not going to be living with them, but he'll have his own apartment. Steph still has lots of hope. At school, everyone except for Alison and her have come down with the flu. Most of their class is absent. Alison calls Steph after school and tells her that she needs to see her right away. She comes over with Maizie and a bag, crying and saying that she's running away. She just found out the her mom is pregnant, even though she couldn't get pregnant all those years ago before she adopted baby Alison, and Alison is afraid that her mom and stepdad will love the new baby more than her because it will be theirs biologically. Alison hides in Steph's closet when her parents come to get her, and then comes out and passes out. When she comes to, she says that her dog can talk. Weird!

Alison has the killer flu, and is out of school for awhile. Dana and Jeremy Dragon are back together again, but she's not wearing his bracelet because they decided it was the bracelet that was causing all of their problems. No, it was Jeremy's slut-tastic ways. Rachel and Steph have now been not speaking for seven weeks. One day, Stephanie isn't paying attention and accidentally follows Rachel home off the school bus. Rachel turns around and then walks her home. They walk each other home and talk things over. Rachel was acting like a bitch because she thought Stephanie wanted to be friends with Alison instead of her. You can have more than one friend, Rachel! They both apologize and make up, and the book ends.

Rachel's hair is atrocious! Half ponytail in a huge scrunchie right on the top of the head...oh wait, I have the exact same hairstyle in my fifth grade school photo. Shit!