Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Stoned Ho (not really)

EDIT: The made-for-TV movie based off this book is on YouTube! YES!

I picked this gem off the library discard shelf in 7th grade, not knowing anything about it. It's a hardcover version with no dustjacket, just the title written on the spine, no blurbs about it or anything. Man, am I glad I did. I'm sure many of you have read it, and almost all of you at least know what it is, but for the few escaped Duggar children that read this or something that have no clue, I'll explain. Go Ask Alice is the "diary" of an "anonymous teenager" in the 70's that basically serves as an anti-drug PSA. DO DRUGS AND YOU'LL DIE! This book is the shit!

Not Yet Stoned Ho buys her diary and goes all angsty about some dude named Roger. She turns 15 shortly after, cries about putting on seven pounds, and then finds out she's moving. Then she gets happy, loses ten pounds, and gets asked out on dates. What. The next couple entries are devoted to her going on dumb dates and I don't care because nothing in the book is cool until she starts shooting up anyway.

So Not Yet Stoned Ho moves finally and finds it hard to adjust to her new school. She puts on fifteen pounds because I guess she's a stress eater. Finally she meets a Jewish girl down the street named Beth and they become BFF. After awhile Beth's parents tell her she's going to go to a Jewish summer camp for six weeks (I had a Hitler joke in there, but that's so inappropriate). Not Yet Stoned Ho acts like Beth is her fucking heroin or something and she needs her or else she'll die from the DT's and freaks the fuck out. Calm down, bitch. Beth leaves for her concentration camp (inappropriate!), and NYSH sadly goes off to spend some time with her grandparents in her old town.

NYSH is super bored in her old town when one of her old sort-of friends, Jill, invites her to a party. She accepts, and they say they're going to play a party game. Ooh, like pin the tale on the donkey? Nope, instead Jill spiked 10 out of 14 bottles of Coke with LSD without telling anyone and you get to see who trips balls! Thus, Not Yet Stoned Ho turns into Trippy Ho. I have to tell you, it doesn't sound very anti-drug PSA to me, it sounds pretty fucking cool. I'll take my Snapple with a shot of LSD, please! Trippy Ho says she's glad she got one of the spiked Cokes, but doesn't think she'll do it again.

...However, the next day, she goes out on a date with one of the guys from the party and lets him inject speed into her. Because obviously if you unwittingly take LSD once you automatically move onto to shooting up. The fuck? The next day her grandfather has a heart attack, so she spends a few weeks off drugs and helping them out. When she feels he's better, she decides to go to a party and take one last acid trip and guess what, loses her virginity. It all starts with one bottle of Coke, you heard it here first.

Trippy Ho is now worried that she's Pregnant Ho and slowly goes nuts about that, even to the point that when she goes home her mother takes her to the doctor and gets her tranquilizers. Beth escapes the concentration camp but is now ultra Jew and doesn't have much in common with Trippy Might Be Pregnant Ho any more. Period comes, not pregnant, hooray! She goes to a groovy new boutique and meets a new friend named Chris, who shows her how to iron her hair like a hippie. Trippy Not Pregnant Ho's parents sit her down and are all like, wtf, why are you a dirty hippie now? Some angsty entries concerning her parents and "The Establishment" ensue and I roll my eyes. I wish this book could be given the SVH treatment and be updated for this time, because you know she'd be locking herself in her room and carving into her arm while listening to My Chemical Romance or some shit. She finds out her old crush, Roger, is going to military school and is all sads about that and I don't care. Chris gives her some sort of upper and tells her to take it and listen to some groovy music. She takes it and feels wonderful but needs her tranquilizers to come back down. And so the cycle begins.

Some entries about how she needs to take "Bennys" and "Dexies" to survive school and home and tranquilizers to come down, so basically she's drugged out all the fucking time. Then she and Chris hang out with two guys named Ted and Richie and she smokes pot for the first time, and I don't know what the fuck she's smoking, but she has the dumbest experience ever. This is totally not written by a drug user AT ALL. Bitch didn't even have the munchies! I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Now since she's tried pot ONCE, she is of course a drug dealer. OF COURSE. And where does she deal? The local grade school. Yep, she's pushing acid to 9 and 10 year olds. Plus she's fucking Richie all the time and is a full blown multi drug user. Is this moving kind of fast for you? THAT'S HOW DRUGS ARE. You try pot once, the next day you're selling acid to a toddler!

Chris and Selling Acid To Toddlers Ho walk in on Ted and Richie screwing each other so they decide to book it and run away to San Francisco. Haight-Ashbury, anyone? They live in a hole in the wall apartment, but both manage to get glamorous boutique jobs after a bit. This book really isn't discouraging shit. They start going to parties at Chris's boss's place and start doing heroin there and realize that they're getting raped while on heroin. They leave their apartment and move onto the Berkeley area with hopes of starting their own boutique. I thought you needed inventory and shit for a boutique but whatever.

Well instead they rent an apartment and fix it up all groovy like and then charge kids to come in and watch their TV and hang out and shit, I guess. I don't know, it sounds pretty stupid to me, but these dumbass Berkeley hippies totally buy into it and they make a shitload of cash. But instead of living the high life they run away again - this time back to home.

Chris and Formerly Runaway Ho return home and to school. FRH is having a hard time because dudes won't leave her alone because they still think she's a dealer and they want to buy off her. Eventually she gives in and becomes friends with one of the dudes (wha?) and gets back on drugs. This book is confusing. The dude is busted by the cops, and then Chris and Back To Being A Druggie Ho are busted too.

Now Not A Druggie Ho is under extreme lockdown by her parents. No drugs, nothing. She's doing fine, but then someone gives her something at school and then next thing we know she's run away again, this time to Denver. If you do drugs, YOU WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME EVERY TIME. TRUST. She's super sick with a cold, but is dropping acid like no one's business. Then she starts prostituting herself for drugs and says by far my favorite quote of the book, "Another day, another blow job." I think we all should say that upon arriving to work, school, etc. everyday. Too awesome. Eventually she gets in touch with a priest, who calls her parents, and they come and get her.

This time she stays good for a longer time than the last time. She's having trouble in school again, though, because the druggies don't believe she's clean and the clean kids think she's still a druggie. Then her grandfather has a stroke and dies. Surprisingly, she doesn't turn back to drugs again.

Clean Again Ho meets a dude named Joel and is all obsessed over him. The druggies at school are attacking her for reasons I cannot understand, like putting a joint in her purse, and a burning roach in her locker. Okay, no stoner in their right mind would waste their pot on anyone. That's just dumb. Druggies are greedy little bastards, watch an episode of Intervention. Those bitches will steal, lie, cheat, and whore themselves out for a little bit of drugs. They certainly wouldn't waste any. Lying sack of shit!

School ends, and Clean Again Ho accepts a baby-sitting job. The next entry is from a mental hospital. Clearly, she was sitting for the Pikes. One of the druggies, in an attempt to get her back on drugs, left some LSD laced chocolate-covered peanuts at the house, and she had a really bad trip from them, nearly clawing her face off in the process. Gross! So now she's in an insane asylum, because she thinks worms are eating her face. Ew! Eventually she finds God or some shit and is cured, because religion and saying no to drugs cure insanity, duh. She goes home.

For some reason now the druggies leave her alone. I don't know. She meets new non-druggie friends and is all in love with them and blah blah blah, and is doing well in school and at home. She ends with the decision not to keep another diary. We then get an epilogue saying that three weeks later her parents came home and found her dead, and it is unknown if it was an accidental or premeditated overdose.

Recap: drugs will make you lose your virginity, get raped, become a prostitute, run away (multiple times), sell to grade schoolers, become a target of bullying, and DIE! They will not make you fat.

Here's the latest cover:

"I am leering at you anonymously, waiting to slip LSD in your drink."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

BSC VHS Dawn Saves The Trees

This is my second viewing of this episode, and I have to say, it is truly terrible. Actually, it may be my third. I think I actually saw it when the show was on the air either on HBO or Disney Channel back in the early 90's. I only remember seeing part of this episode and the one where Kristy forces Charlotte to run for president of something. Anyway, this episode is HORRIBLE, which translates to snarky. Can we start a petition to Scholastic to get this series released on DVD already?

The BSC traipses through some random woods with a bunch of kids to the theme song. Confession time: I have the theme song on my iPod. I love it. WHOA, just had a Kristy-sized great idea - I should totally make it into a ringtone! It'd be way cooler than what I have now (Pepper by the Butthole Surfers). I digress.

The actress who plays Dawn is super pretty, I must say. I always liked her, even if her hair wasn't long enough. Mallory's hair is not half-bad in this ep; she actually looks like a normal human being! I don't know if I mentionaed it in the last recap of the show I did, but I preferred the actresses in the show to the actresses in the movie, I just thought they looked more like the characters, even if Claudia didn't quite look that Japanese and Jessi wasn't black enough.

Dawn's catching tadpoles with some random ugly little boy. He isn't named, but he says he's going to grow up and be a chef and cook peanut butter and honey sandwiches so I know he must be Jamie Newton. LOL, I'm a BSC trivia winner. I always hated Jamie. I'm waiting for Jackie Rodowsky to show up. I never cared for him, either, but Danny Tamberelli, aka Little Pete, played him, and I have a fondness for all things old school Nickelodeon. Farewell, Little Viking (still brings a tear to my eye)!

Stacey and Mary Anne are laying together on a blanket while the rest of the club does all the work with the kids hanging pinecone bird feeders. Lazy hos. Stacey says that whenever she got homesick as a kid she used to look at the sky and pretend her parents were looking at it too and she didn't feel so bad. Mary Anne, ever the Debbie Downer, wonders if her dead mom is looking at it too. Stacey is rocking some fierce red lipstick to go with her poodle perm.

Jamie finds a baby bird on the ground and the BSC has to get all PSA on why you can't pick it up. Charlotte says that since her mom is a doctor and knows the emergency number for people, maybe she'll know the emergency number for animals, too! Um, Charlotte? I'm hedging a guess here, but isn't the emergency number for people 911? Fuck, and I only have my bachelor's degree! No one picks up on this, so I'd hate to be Mary Anne if Jenny Prezzioso has another 104 degree fever, or Claudia if Betsy Sobak pulls another practical joke on her, of Stacey if she has an insulin reaction, or Jessi if she's hanging out with Tupac in Vegas. They all merrily set off on their way, and come upon a surveyor. OH NOES! Dawn angrily accosts him and discovers they are going to build a road through the woods. She shits her Guess overalls.

BSC meeting. Mrs. Newton calls and wants a sitter. She says Jamie keeps talking about their "special place." Don't tell me you didn't picture Pedobear! He means the woods, not no-no areas. Dawn bitches some more about the road being put in. She says they have rights and need to be heard!

The next day or some shit, they go to the town hall and get a bunch of literature on the road. Dawn bitches that it's too much to read. Fuck, there's no pleasing this cunt! She totally dumps it all in the trash instead of recycling it and decides to take the easy way out and start a petition instead of educating herself. I hate people who protest things when they don't even bother to learn both sides first. Oh, and of course they suggest to have all the kids sign the petition. Pretty sure a seven-year-old's signature isn't going to have much weight on a petition, but nice try. Kristy is wearing a fanny-pack, by the way.

The girls see Dawn's crush of the episode, and lo and behold, he's played by a young Zach Braff! I didn't think it was possible, but he was even uglier back then. He's hanging out with Logan, and his name is now irrelevant to this episode because he's just going to be referred to as Zach Braff. Dawn loves his goofy looking face, and totally checks out his ass as he leaves. Mary Anne or someone says she thinks Zach Braff likes Dawn.

LITTLE PETE! I love how he's just randomly thrown in with a bunch of other kids, just because he's freaking adorable and because someone could totally see in the future and knew he would become iconic. Anyway, Little Pete (I don't know why Archie and Shea are never in any BSC shows), Becca, and Charlotte are coloring or some crap while Mallory, Stacey, and Claudia are helping them. Oh wait, didn't watch far enough ahead. Nope, the BSC is using the kids as child labor and they are making protest signs. No, really. Jessi randomly appears and let's them play Mother May I. Dawn comes and breaks up the game and sets those kids back to work! Kristy and Mary Anne run up with fliers, because you know the BSC is all about fliers, and says that they're going on a double date with Bart and Logan. Dawn gets her hemp panties all in a bunch until she hears that Zach Braff will be there too and wants her to come.

Dawn is getting ready for her date with Zach Braff. Kristy and Mary Anne are there. Dawn looks gorgeous, seriously. Her hair is all up in a bun and she looks about 19 or 20. I wonder how old the actress who played her was when she filmed this? Google search has turned nothing up. Anyway, Kristy and Mary Anne tell her she can get all intense about the environment and shit blah blah blah. Dawn of course gets all defensive blah blah blah. Kristy then asks her why she isn't wearing her hair down because it looks better down. I disagree, it looks good down, too, but she looks absolutely gorgeous right now. I hope I can find a screencap. Dawn starts to pull it out of its bun and Mary Anne asks her what she's doing. Dawn snots that they said it looked better down so she's putting it down. It's all very dumb. The doorbell rings. Cut to Kristy and Mary Anne waiting downstairs with Logan and Zach Braff. Dawn is still fixing her hair because, yeah, it did look like shit after taking it out of the bun. Kristy, by the way, is still wearing her fanny pack. Don't take hair advice from her. Dawn comes downstairs with her hair half up and half down. Zach Braff and his mullet ask her about the protest signs and she tells her about the road through the woods. Apparently he thinks the road is a good thing because then more people will get to enjoy the woods. Oh, and his mom commissioned the whole thing. Dawn pitches a fit and refuses to go out with Zach Braff.

Protest time. Dawn has a bunch of children circle around chanting "Save our trees!" while she talks to a reporter from the Stoneybrook News. Where are these kids' parents? Later on, the BSC looks at themselves in the paper and Dawn basically says how she's only one who cares blah blah blah and Kristy brings up Zach Braff and tries to tell her to keep her friends close and her enemies closer, but Dawn doesn't get it. Dawn sucks.

Hearing or something important and court-like looking or whatever time. I'm so over this episode. Next time I do a BSC video I'm making it into a drinking game so by the end I'm totally hammered. That way, you'll get my drunken bitchy remarks and I'll be so vodka-ed up I won't give a damn about this awful show. It's a win-win situation! Anyway, the judge or official-looking lady or whatever opens up the floor or something. Dawn stands up and says she opposes the road. Official Lady says, "Excuse me, but can you please state your name and your affiliation?" Snappleaddict: don'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSC...Dawn: I'm Dawn Schafer, and I represent The Baby-Sitters Club! *headdesk* Dawn starts bitching about global warming and extinction (for 12 trees? in Connecticut?) and shit and Official Lady says that the road will give more people an opportunity to enjoy the woods. Dawn then starts bitching about how more people will bring more pollution and Official Lady interrupts her and says that maybe if she had studied the proposal (the stack of papers her lazy ass threw out) she would've seen that they planned all this shit for crap for sanitation and waste management to minimize pollution. OWNED! Furthermore, the road is designed to be accessible for the elderly and the handicapped. Dawn sputters. Throughout all this Zach Braff is throwing some amusing looks. The committee votes, and it's unanimous for the road.

After the hearing the BSC basically tells Dawn she sucks and needs to study her shit and come up with a plan instead of just saying things are wrong and not having a reason for why. Then for some reason they think talking to Zach Braff will get the committee to change the decision about the road. Okay, 1. If I was Zach Braff and Dawn acted like such a bitch to me, I'd never talk to her again, no matter how hot she is. Go for Stacey, she puts out. And 2. How the fuck can Zach Braff change a whole committee's decision?

Dawn is sitting and making paper cranes. Remember that book about the girl who got cancer from WW2 and she needed to make a million paper cranes or something? That was a good book. Anyway, Zach Braff comes up for some unknown reason (I guess Stacey turned him down or something) and Dawn shows him that she actually can read by bringing up other parks with similar problems (from California, natch) and that they can make a packed dirt road instead that winds around the trees, so no trees are harmed and it's still handicapped accessible.

Oh, I guess Official Lady is actually Mrs. Braff. Zach Braff shows her a map Claudia drew of the woods with the dirt roads in and she loves it and the day is saved!

The show ends with stupid Jamie and the bird being released back into the wild by some city official person. Apparently Charlotte's mom came through. Theme song!

Screencaps taken from the BSC Cover Art Gallery linked on the left.

"Fuck the handicapped!" (P.S. Look at Zach Braff staring at her over her shoulder.)

Way cuter with her hair up, even Kristy wants to French her.

Still ugly.

Kristy wears that damn fanny pack the whole fucking episode.

Mallory looking not like a spazoid.

Is that Morbidda Destiny? Nope, just Mrs. Braff! Oh, and Zach Braff totally has a boner.

Dawn and Zach Braff making a million paper cranes.

A Salute To A Truly Glamorous Ho

I was going to do an SVH book, but then I started shoe shopping online and lost track of time and now there's only about a half hour or so until I have to pick my cutie pie nephew up from daycare, so not enough time. However, I need to discuss something important.

If you have not seen the masterpiece that is Welcome to the Dollhouse, SEE IT. Some beautiful ho posted the entire movie on Youtube, and everyone must watch it. I officially declare today Salute Dawn Weiner Day.

Where do I begin? The elastic waist pants pulled up to her armpits, the footie pajamas, the hair balls, the examining of her hands in the mirror after Ginger the slut ("We gotta tawk.") says she finger-fucked Steve, sawing off Missy's doll's head, the shrine to Steve? I LOVE HER.

So to Dawn Weiner, I raise my cold fishsticks and Hawaiian Punch to you. I will gladly be a member of the Special People Club.

New Poll!

Hottest Man Candy Part 2 is FINALLY here! It comes as no surprise that Jake Ryan totally killed the last poll, so which sexy bitch will win your heart (and panties) this time around?

Jordan Catalano - world's best leaner. Gigantic blue eyes and floppy hair. Writes romantic songs, but they turn out to be about his car. May inspire you to dance to The Violent Femmes when you're over him, which is pretty awesome.

Todd Wilkins - I'm pretty sure Todd's gay. I'd just saying, bitch pretty much only ever wants to hold Liz's hand and she's supposed to be the hottest bitch in Sweet Valley. He and Liz act like they're 80. He turns into a drunk in SVU, though, so I guess he knows how to party.

Zack Morris - ability to stop time, break the fourth wall, and possesses the world's coolest phone? This dude kicks ass. I predict a close race between him and Catalano.

Ben Hobart - hot Aussie ginge. Don't fuck with his card catalog.


Well, my lovelies, unlike the BSC, I have graduated. College, that is. I also have the impending doom of my 25th birthday coming upon me in a few weeks, but my best friend and I have decided we're just going to tell everyone it's my 21st since I look like I'm 15 anyway. Free drinks! As of yet, I'm still unemployed because apparently being a psych major who spent all her time studying and making the National Honor Society in Psychology (Psi Chi represent!) doesn't bode as well as experience. If only I could get paid for reading BSC. Ann M. Martin, I will totally be your bitch. I will ghostwrite the hell out of that shit, just give me a chance!

Unemployment has a way of making you hella bored, so I've been toying with the idea of blogging again, because, shit, Jersey Shore has ended. Also, check out what I recently scored from the discard shelf of my library...

If you're saying to yourself, "Shit, bitch, that looks like pretty much every single SVH book besides the ones you probably already own," that's because IT IS! My ho ass library got rid of these fine pieces of literature, and I collected them in a huge bag as fast as I could. YOU KNOW YOU'D DO THE SAME THING. I haven't gotten my collection all together yet, but going by memory, I think I own all of them now except for All Night Long, which angers me because Scott's porn 'stache is so rockin'. I think a trip to the used book store is in order so I can get that last one.

I also took a picture of my holy trifecta, just to make everyone jealous:

Don't hate!

Friday, January 22, 2010


A PREQUEL?!!? A MOTHERFUCKING PREQUEL?!!? *dies of heart attack*