Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nothing I ever write will ever top this

One of my favorite authors (who actually does not write young adult novels, shocker), Bret Easton Ellis, has done his spin on the BSC. If you've read "Less Than Zero" or any of his other books you'll get the tone of it, but even if you haven't, it's hilarious. I pretty much died of happiness. Here's a link:


Also, please note that the final round of the hottest man candy has started. It's a tough choice. I'm a sucker for blue eyes and guys that lean, so I may go for Jordan Catalano. Who knows?

If you haven't read the BSC prequel yet, get on it! It's written by Ann, so it's not all jacked up concerning the facts (though I read it a few months ago so it may have some details wrong, I can't remember), and even though it's a prequel I thought it seemed like a sweet ending. Kind of like a goodbye to my childhood friends. Now I'm getting all emotional and shit, which totally does not go with the cold-hearted bitch persona I try to portray, so I better sign out.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Vote here!

I'm from the Chicago area, home of corrupt politics, so sometimes I vote multiple times on my own polls from different computers or by signing out. Eh, it happens. You've seen our former governor on the Celebrity Apprentice, you know how we roll (JOKING). But this post isn't about me (for once, but I'm sure I'll find a way to make it about me), it's about this super cool list that another blog is compiling (I read about it on Go Fug Yourself, one of my faves), where you can vote for your top ten favorite young adult novels! At the end she'll compile a list of the top 100 young adult novels. So get to voting, and let's hope your faves show up. And hey, comment here and let me know what you put, 'cause I'm nosy.

Here's the link:


Thursday, April 8, 2010

New Poll!

Hottest Man Candy - Part 3!

Jordan Catalano leaned his way into your hearts and stole nearly half the votes! He'll go on to compete with Jake Ryan in the finals of the sexiest men alive.

Now onto our fresh meat:

Bailey Salinger - In sixth grade (before Hanson came out) I had the hugest crush on Scott Wolf and lived for Party of Five. I still love the show and those baby blue eyes and dimples.

Ian Somerhalder - Good Lord this boy is beautiful! Only reason I watched the short lived Dawson's Creek spin-off Young Americans.

Uncle Jesse - As a lifelong Full House fan, I can honestly say now that the show is pretty terrible (I still love it though) but that man can babysit me anyday...in bed.

Uncle Jesse's mullet - Didn't we all kind of get pissed at Stephanie when she cut it off? That mullet was an art form.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Yeah, I know

So I took an extended time off to mourn my birthday, I guess. Sue me. Or don't, because I've been blowing all my money on Betsey Johnson shoes and would have to represent myself and got my degree in Psychology, not law. At least I'd look hot, right?

I tried to watch the sequel to Center Stage today, and holy crap, that shit is TERRIBLE. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie, otherwise I would've done a post on it, because trust me, I was making fun of it hardcore. Sandy Cohen and Cooper Nielsen were the only people to return from the original movie. Cooper is still a smarmy show-off who wears too much eyeliner and is such a flaming homo that there is no way any woman could mistake hom for straight, and he did not take is time off between movies to learn how to act, and Sandy Cohen's famed eyebrows are still intact. Oh, and former hockey players who become dancers suddenly develop New York accents halfway through the movie, and girls who get into the dance company order Cosmos from bars, while girls who don't order beers. The rest of the movie is irrelevant. Center Stage is one of my favorite movies, but I didn't expect much from the sequel. Let's just say I wasn't disappointed.

I miss Saturday morning cartoons. Specifically, Disney's One Saturday Morning (hosted by Stacey from the BSC tv show!), with Pepper Ann, The Weekenders, Recess, that one short that was the class pictures that talked that the name is escaping me but I know the videos are on YouTube and I'm just too lazy to look for...I even loved the theme song. So, here you go!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

California Diaries #2 Sunny

So I'm a dumb ho. It took me until just a few months ago to realize that I can sign up through my crappy library for online ordering, which means that I can place holds on books in any library in our system (which has something like 60 libraries), and I can do it without ever having to move from my bed or talk to a librarian and admit I'm reserving and ordering Baby-sitters Club books. Therefore, my blogging choices are pretty much unlimited; I just remember a book I loved as a child, place a hold online, and in a few days I get a little email telling me to get my ho ass to the library to come get it (I wish the email literally said that, it would make my day). So now I can finally work my way towards finishing the California Diaries - I'm dying to make fun of Ducky, and you know I love that ho Maggie.

I LOVE Sunny. It's kind of hard to snark on her because she does it herself, and she's also dealing with her pain in a very real way. She's not a dumb bitch like Dawn, that's for sure. Her life legitimately is suck-tastic and she has a lot of heavy shit to deal with that's way more traumatizing than having to go to a different school. Okay, so she's an avoider when it comes to her problems, but shit, I think we can cut her some slack. Too bad bitchface Dawn won't.

Sunny opens up her diary with her insomnia. Bitch needs some Simply Sleep. She can't sleep because her mom is back in the hospital with a cough, which means that the chemo and radiation have to be stopped until she gets better. Also, her dad divides his time between being with her mom and overseeing their bookstore, leaving no time for Sunny. All right, I can see this from both ways. The poor man has to be with his sick wife, that much Sunny doesn't fault him for. But she doesn't seem to understand that he needs to work to pay for what I'm sure are astronomical medical bills, as well as the normal bills. But then, from what I'd think Sunny's viewpoint is, one parent is not there due to sickness and she's scared and needs the other one to comfort her and he's not there, either - but it seems to her by choice. She's 13 and not old or mature enough to understand the adult responsibilities.

She talks about her friends. She doesn't understand why Dawn is such a little whiner about being in high school a year early because she thinks it's cool to be with the older kids. She says Jill makes her sick and she flashes her belly ring at her at school just to shock her. I love Sunny. Maggie used to be cool but now has become a perfectionist. She worries that her mom switching from wearing a wig to just wearing scarves on her head is a sign of her giving up. I can't imagine that feeling, and hope I never find out.

The next day Sunny cuts school during lunch to go visit her mom in the hospital. I'm pretty sure she didn't have to cut, if she told the principal she needed to leave and why he'd probably let her. Anyway, her mom looks awful. Sunny is leaving but sees her mom's doctor in the hall. She listens outside the door and finds out that her mom's lungs seem to be clearing up, however a new lump was found that will need to be tested. Sunny flees and heads back for school.

So in social studies or history or whatever her teacher calls on her and since she is writing in her journal she isn't paying attention. He asks her to stay after class and when she does asks her why she was late coming to class and why she can't focus. Sunny blurts out that her mom is dying of cancer and her teacher is shocked, saying he knew she was sick but not that it was that bad. Sunny immediately feels guilt because she doesn't want to use her mom as an excuse, and also I think because it's the first time she's admitted to herself that her mom could be dying. Sunny's a trooper, you know Dawn's ho ass probably told every teacher that Carol was pregnant just in case her water broke during English or something and she needed to use her lifesaving BSC skills or some shit. Sunny writes in her diary that she's sick of dealing with all the things that come with her mom's terminal illness and sometimes wishes her mom might just die so it would all end. She then feels horrible.

The next day Sunny is reading a Newsweek article about cancer in math class instead of paying attention, except this teacher sends her to the principal's office. The principal patronizes her and Sunny walks all over him. She goes back to class in time to get her books before the bell rings and the teacher tells her that she'd have an easier time if she paid attention and did her work. Duh. Actually, the teacher tries to tell her that math will be simpler and more predictible that way, and I call shenanigans! I'll show you my pages and pages of detailed notes and my perfect attendance record for stats class and I barely pulled a C. I don't get math at all. Sunny is upset and leaves the classroom to vent.

Ducky is waiting for her in the hall. At this point in the series they don't know each other very well, so she is shy about venting to him. She says that something about his expression makes her feel like he actually cares, unlike her teachers and principal, and she calmed right down. She also gives a description of his outfit choice, saying that most guys in the school wear flannel shirts and jeans and shit while Ducky was wearing a bowling shirt and green overdyed jeans. Instead of her gaydar going off, Sunny thinks this is cool. Dawn and Sunny start walking home and Sunny makes the mistake of telling her what happened in math class. Dawn gets all Elizabeth Wakefield judgmental on her and then tells her she needs meditation. Sunny starts laughing, and so do I. Dawn is pissed and starts spouting off some shit and Sunny and I both tune her out.

At home, Sunny decides to try meditation and clears her mind while getting the mail. However, the mail has a hospital bill, a letter from the insurance company, and a wig catalog, so the meditation goes out the door. Got any more suggestions, Dawn? There's a message on the answering machine from her father saying to call her at the store and that it's urgent and Sunny freaks out, thinking the worst. She calls and he puts her on hold, which I guess is a euphemism for their relationship right now. He comes back and tells her that her mom is coming home the next day and the lump was non-cancerous and that she should do a little grocery shopping so her mom can have some good food to eat when she comes home. Sunny does and when she returns her mom calls and reminds her that she was supposed to visit after school. Sunny forgot. Her mom then says that she had her dad leave something for her on her dresser and Sunny goes to look. It's a music box and her mom says that it's a family heirloom and she wants to pass it down to Sunny. Sunny is scared because she thinks this is something a person does before they die.

The next day Sunny wakes up and realizes she has no clothes because no one has done laundry in forever. Then she has a great idea - fuck school, it's Sunny Winslow's Day Off! Her swimsuits are all clean and she's heading to the beach. She figures that she'll just cut her morning classes and no one will even miss her. She heads for Venice Beach, which is farther away but has the less risk of running into anyone she knows. Once there, she has a great time but stays too long because she meets some surfer dude named Carson (he claims not to have a last name). Carson sucks. He's just a loser who calls himself a free spirit but what that really means is he can't commit to anything. You know the type. Sunny totally falls for his shit, but then again she is only 13, and we've all fallen for one of these hos at least once. He professes his love for Catcher in the Rye and I give my eyeballs an exercise with a massive rolling. Could he pick a more cliche book? He could've at least said Flowers in the Attic. That would win my respect. He puts on rollerblades and Sunny says she also has some and she can bring them next time and maybe they can blade together. He says whatever, which she interprets as friendly. Sunny, he blows. Even Ducky's probably gay ass is better than this ho.

Sunny makes it home before her dad and is relieved to see that no one from the school called about her absence. She is leaving her house again to go to the hospital to help bring her mom home when she runs into Dawn. Dawn tries to press her for details as to where she was all day but Sunny just blows her off and leaves. HAHAHAHA! She makes it to the hospital and her mom is sitting up and dressed in street clothes and looking much better, much to her relief. A few members of her mom's support group come in and surprise! They have a stretch limo waiting outside the hospital to take her home! That's so sweet! Sunny declines a ride and takes her bike home. She beats them there and makes a salad for her mom for dinner. However, her mom and the support group come in and order Chinese food. Her mom doesn't eat much but the support group eats like all the Chinese food and the salad. Pigs. There's not much left for Sunny to eat, and she's the forgotten one yet again.

The next day Sunny is working for her dad in his bookstore and she starts to read Carson's other favorite book, Kerouac's On The Road. Another cliche favorite book by a "free spirit." She is impatient to see him again and tell him how much she likes it. Sunny spends the rest of her day getting yelled at by her dad and then cutting out of there to go visit her mom at home, only to find out she's gone to a support group meeting. She finds a shoebox full of fugly jewelry that her mom placed on her dresser. Her dad comes home and yells at her for dinner not being prepared. Her mom then comes home and says that she's been trying to clean things up and is giving Sunny things she thinks she may like. Sunny interprets it more as a sort of will and inheritance thing rather than decluttering and tells her to knock it off. Her dad calls her ungrateful and a big fight ensues.

The next day, a Sunday, Sunny wants to apologize to her mom but not her dad. Unfortunately her mom is pretty much booked solid with visitors until the evening, so Sunny grabs her rollerblades and heads for Venice Beach, telling her parents she'll be at Maggie's. Once there, she reads, relaxes, and just takes some time out for herself. She doesn't see Carson there, and is disappointed, but decides to just chill instead and not worry about it. When she gets home her mom is resting and no one questions her whereabouts, so she got away with it.

However, during the night her mom wakes up and isn't feeling well. She asks Sunny's dad to read to her because it will help her go to sleep, and Sunny takes over for him when he starts to fall asleep. They end up having to take Sunny's mom back to the hospital because she's running a high fever. Sunny was late to school because of it and yelled at in nearly all of her classes for sleeping/not paying attention/not finishing her homework due to the lack of sleep from staying up all night reading to her mom. She gets sent to the principal's office again, where he makes sad panda faces at her some more for having a sick mom and doesn't fix anything. Where exactly is the school counselor and why is Sunny not being sent to him/her? This girl is obviously dealing with a lot and needs help. Upon leaving the office, she runs into Ducky, Dawn, and Maggie, who ask her why she was in there. Sunny says she's having a serious relationship with Principal Sad Panda Face. Hee! Maggie doesn't talk to her for the rest of the day and Sunny says bitch cannot take a joke. She's probably counting calories in her head, Sunny. Dawn just gives her weird looks, which I interpret as the Elizabeth Wakefield condescending judgmental looks we see on the cover of nearly every SVH book.

Sunny comes home from school to a message on her answering machine from her dad. Her mom has pneumonia and Sunny needs to bring her a bag of stuff. She does, and is deeply saddened by her mom's condition. When she comes home again her dad yells at her for the house being dirty, his laundry not being done, and there being no nuts or raisins in the house. Mr. Winslow really likes nuts and raisins, I guess.

Sunny cuts school the next day and goes to the beach. Are you surprised? She sees Carson there, and he basically dismisses her, but she follows him into a coffee shop anyway. He approves of her cutting school and says no one will notice. Carson sucks. Then he insults the coffee and dumps it on the floor. No, really! Sunny, impressionable youth the she is, laughs and does the same. Who does that? When I go to Taco Bell and I get a less than stellar Cheesy Gordita Crunch I don't toss it on the floor like my 17 month old nephew! Whatever, I hate this douche. They hang out for the rest of the afternoon and we find out that Carson is 17, a high school dropout (because school is useless and he's had plenty of jobs without a degree...bet that won't happen when you're 25 and don't have a diploma, buddy), and is from Cleveland but took off. Sunny tells him about her situation at home. She tries to make plans to see him again on Friday, but he says he doesn't like plans. SUNNY! HE SUCKS! He leaves and she ponders over her feelings for him.

The next entry, a week later, starts with a note Sunny forged from her mom's doctor excusing her from basically a week of school. Sunny has skipped a lot. She's chipper about it, though, because Carson's stank ass has been at the beach every time she's gone. She calls the beach her escape and says it helps her feel not so depressed.

At school, Ms. Krueger, the teacher whose house the party was at in Dawn's book, approaches Sunny and basically tells her that her forged note isn't fooling anyone and her absences have caught the attention of a lot more people than just Sunny's teachers. She also thinks that the special treatment should be over and done with. She tells Sunny she needs to be in school and that she can come to her any time if she needs anything. Again I ask, where is the school counselor? Ms. Krueger leaves and Sunny meets up with Ducky in the hall. She asks him for advice on Carson, and instead of telling her he sucks, he says he must like her if he's at the beach waiting for her every day, even if he won't tell her his last name. No, he's homeless, what the fuck else does he have to do but go to the beach? Sunny is so happy by this that she cuts school at lunch and goes to the beach. Carson The Suck is there and I swear it's less of him waiting for her and more of him sleeping under docks there. He finally tells her his last name and she's super happy by that. She thinks this means she trusts him fully. Oh, Sunny.

When she comes home, she's accosted by Dawn. Apparently Sunny's dad stopped by the school to pick her up because her mom is back in the hospital for tests and she was nowhere to be found and Dawn covered for her, saying she was on a late field trip. Well, she sort of was. Dawn notices Sunny's beach towel sticking out of her backpack and reams her for being at the beach while her mom is in the hospital. Sunny didn't know her mom was back in the hospital when she left for the beach, so shut up, Dawn. In the midst of Dawn's ranting and raving, Sunny notices her earrings. She asks Dawn where she got them and Dawn says that Sunny's mom gave them to her because maybe she's happy that someone cares about her, and then leaves. HATE. Sunny is super upset because she feels that with all the work she does in her dad's store and around the house and all the trips to the hospital she's being replaced by Dawn. What does Sunny do? Packs up some shit and runs away to Venice Beach, this time for good.

She doesn't find Carson immediately but when she does she tells him she's now a super cool runaway, just like him! He thinks this is awesome, because humans aren't meant to stay in one place and the notion that they are is only a few hundred years old or some shit. Yeah, they were nomadic because they needed to travel for FOOD, you dumbass! Now we have McDonald's and Jewels all over and we don't have to chase our fucking dinner, so we can stay in the same place! Sunny says now they can band together and Carson is all like, crazy hippie girl say what? He feels that the point of being a runaway is to be unattached, and he doesn't want any company. He gives her a poor little rich girl speech, telling her she doesn't have it so bad, and then walks the fuck out on her, leaving her to pay the bill at the coffee shop. Dick. She tries to go catch the bus home but misses the last one and the next won't be there until 5 AM.

Sunny tries to prepare herself for a scary night alone on the beach. She thinks a skeezy looking man is following her, and is terrified. Then she hears someone calling her name. It's Ducky, with his car. He says that her dad brought her mom home from the hospital and they found her runaway note and freaked out. Ducky remembered their talk about Carson Stupidface and drove out to Venice Beach to find Sunny. Sunny is relieved, and tells Ducky to take her home.

However, as soon as he drops her off, she heads for Dawn's house. Dawn is pissed, but relieved that Sunny's okay. Sunny asks if she can camp out there for the night because she doesn't want to face her parents yet. Dawn makes her call them first and tell them where she is. The next morning Dawn wakes her up super early to pump her for details. Bitch. She walks Sunny home, where she receives a teary welcome. Sunny comes clean to them - about why her mom giving away things upset her, about cutting school (but not about Carson), and her feelings of neglect. Her mom tells her things will get back to normal someday, but Sunny's not so sure. Her diary closes with her saying that happy endings are for fairy tales and that she is really scared, and wants to escape. Surf's up, Sunny!

A velvet hippie top, a corduroy thing (skirt? shorts? long shirt?), and white leggings. Sunny is a super hot dresser. Literally, it's fucking California and she's on the beach 90% of the book.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Stoned Ho (not really)

EDIT: The made-for-TV movie based off this book is on YouTube! YES!

I picked this gem off the library discard shelf in 7th grade, not knowing anything about it. It's a hardcover version with no dustjacket, just the title written on the spine, no blurbs about it or anything. Man, am I glad I did. I'm sure many of you have read it, and almost all of you at least know what it is, but for the few escaped Duggar children that read this or something that have no clue, I'll explain. Go Ask Alice is the "diary" of an "anonymous teenager" in the 70's that basically serves as an anti-drug PSA. DO DRUGS AND YOU'LL DIE! This book is the shit!

Not Yet Stoned Ho buys her diary and goes all angsty about some dude named Roger. She turns 15 shortly after, cries about putting on seven pounds, and then finds out she's moving. Then she gets happy, loses ten pounds, and gets asked out on dates. What. The next couple entries are devoted to her going on dumb dates and I don't care because nothing in the book is cool until she starts shooting up anyway.

So Not Yet Stoned Ho moves finally and finds it hard to adjust to her new school. She puts on fifteen pounds because I guess she's a stress eater. Finally she meets a Jewish girl down the street named Beth and they become BFF. After awhile Beth's parents tell her she's going to go to a Jewish summer camp for six weeks (I had a Hitler joke in there, but that's so inappropriate). Not Yet Stoned Ho acts like Beth is her fucking heroin or something and she needs her or else she'll die from the DT's and freaks the fuck out. Calm down, bitch. Beth leaves for her concentration camp (inappropriate!), and NYSH sadly goes off to spend some time with her grandparents in her old town.

NYSH is super bored in her old town when one of her old sort-of friends, Jill, invites her to a party. She accepts, and they say they're going to play a party game. Ooh, like pin the tale on the donkey? Nope, instead Jill spiked 10 out of 14 bottles of Coke with LSD without telling anyone and you get to see who trips balls! Thus, Not Yet Stoned Ho turns into Trippy Ho. I have to tell you, it doesn't sound very anti-drug PSA to me, it sounds pretty fucking cool. I'll take my Snapple with a shot of LSD, please! Trippy Ho says she's glad she got one of the spiked Cokes, but doesn't think she'll do it again.

...However, the next day, she goes out on a date with one of the guys from the party and lets him inject speed into her. Because obviously if you unwittingly take LSD once you automatically move onto to shooting up. The fuck? The next day her grandfather has a heart attack, so she spends a few weeks off drugs and helping them out. When she feels he's better, she decides to go to a party and take one last acid trip and guess what, loses her virginity. It all starts with one bottle of Coke, you heard it here first.

Trippy Ho is now worried that she's Pregnant Ho and slowly goes nuts about that, even to the point that when she goes home her mother takes her to the doctor and gets her tranquilizers. Beth escapes the concentration camp but is now ultra Jew and doesn't have much in common with Trippy Might Be Pregnant Ho any more. Period comes, not pregnant, hooray! She goes to a groovy new boutique and meets a new friend named Chris, who shows her how to iron her hair like a hippie. Trippy Not Pregnant Ho's parents sit her down and are all like, wtf, why are you a dirty hippie now? Some angsty entries concerning her parents and "The Establishment" ensue and I roll my eyes. I wish this book could be given the SVH treatment and be updated for this time, because you know she'd be locking herself in her room and carving into her arm while listening to My Chemical Romance or some shit. She finds out her old crush, Roger, is going to military school and is all sads about that and I don't care. Chris gives her some sort of upper and tells her to take it and listen to some groovy music. She takes it and feels wonderful but needs her tranquilizers to come back down. And so the cycle begins.

Some entries about how she needs to take "Bennys" and "Dexies" to survive school and home and tranquilizers to come down, so basically she's drugged out all the fucking time. Then she and Chris hang out with two guys named Ted and Richie and she smokes pot for the first time, and I don't know what the fuck she's smoking, but she has the dumbest experience ever. This is totally not written by a drug user AT ALL. Bitch didn't even have the munchies! I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Now since she's tried pot ONCE, she is of course a drug dealer. OF COURSE. And where does she deal? The local grade school. Yep, she's pushing acid to 9 and 10 year olds. Plus she's fucking Richie all the time and is a full blown multi drug user. Is this moving kind of fast for you? THAT'S HOW DRUGS ARE. You try pot once, the next day you're selling acid to a toddler!

Chris and Selling Acid To Toddlers Ho walk in on Ted and Richie screwing each other so they decide to book it and run away to San Francisco. Haight-Ashbury, anyone? They live in a hole in the wall apartment, but both manage to get glamorous boutique jobs after a bit. This book really isn't discouraging shit. They start going to parties at Chris's boss's place and start doing heroin there and realize that they're getting raped while on heroin. They leave their apartment and move onto the Berkeley area with hopes of starting their own boutique. I thought you needed inventory and shit for a boutique but whatever.

Well instead they rent an apartment and fix it up all groovy like and then charge kids to come in and watch their TV and hang out and shit, I guess. I don't know, it sounds pretty stupid to me, but these dumbass Berkeley hippies totally buy into it and they make a shitload of cash. But instead of living the high life they run away again - this time back to home.

Chris and Formerly Runaway Ho return home and to school. FRH is having a hard time because dudes won't leave her alone because they still think she's a dealer and they want to buy off her. Eventually she gives in and becomes friends with one of the dudes (wha?) and gets back on drugs. This book is confusing. The dude is busted by the cops, and then Chris and Back To Being A Druggie Ho are busted too.

Now Not A Druggie Ho is under extreme lockdown by her parents. No drugs, nothing. She's doing fine, but then someone gives her something at school and then next thing we know she's run away again, this time to Denver. If you do drugs, YOU WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME EVERY TIME. TRUST. She's super sick with a cold, but is dropping acid like no one's business. Then she starts prostituting herself for drugs and says by far my favorite quote of the book, "Another day, another blow job." I think we all should say that upon arriving to work, school, etc. everyday. Too awesome. Eventually she gets in touch with a priest, who calls her parents, and they come and get her.

This time she stays good for a longer time than the last time. She's having trouble in school again, though, because the druggies don't believe she's clean and the clean kids think she's still a druggie. Then her grandfather has a stroke and dies. Surprisingly, she doesn't turn back to drugs again.

Clean Again Ho meets a dude named Joel and is all obsessed over him. The druggies at school are attacking her for reasons I cannot understand, like putting a joint in her purse, and a burning roach in her locker. Okay, no stoner in their right mind would waste their pot on anyone. That's just dumb. Druggies are greedy little bastards, watch an episode of Intervention. Those bitches will steal, lie, cheat, and whore themselves out for a little bit of drugs. They certainly wouldn't waste any. Lying sack of shit!

School ends, and Clean Again Ho accepts a baby-sitting job. The next entry is from a mental hospital. Clearly, she was sitting for the Pikes. One of the druggies, in an attempt to get her back on drugs, left some LSD laced chocolate-covered peanuts at the house, and she had a really bad trip from them, nearly clawing her face off in the process. Gross! So now she's in an insane asylum, because she thinks worms are eating her face. Ew! Eventually she finds God or some shit and is cured, because religion and saying no to drugs cure insanity, duh. She goes home.

For some reason now the druggies leave her alone. I don't know. She meets new non-druggie friends and is all in love with them and blah blah blah, and is doing well in school and at home. She ends with the decision not to keep another diary. We then get an epilogue saying that three weeks later her parents came home and found her dead, and it is unknown if it was an accidental or premeditated overdose.

Recap: drugs will make you lose your virginity, get raped, become a prostitute, run away (multiple times), sell to grade schoolers, become a target of bullying, and DIE! They will not make you fat.

Here's the latest cover:

"I am leering at you anonymously, waiting to slip LSD in your drink."

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

BSC VHS Dawn Saves The Trees

This is my second viewing of this episode, and I have to say, it is truly terrible. Actually, it may be my third. I think I actually saw it when the show was on the air either on HBO or Disney Channel back in the early 90's. I only remember seeing part of this episode and the one where Kristy forces Charlotte to run for president of something. Anyway, this episode is HORRIBLE, which translates to snarky. Can we start a petition to Scholastic to get this series released on DVD already?

The BSC traipses through some random woods with a bunch of kids to the theme song. Confession time: I have the theme song on my iPod. I love it. WHOA, just had a Kristy-sized great idea - I should totally make it into a ringtone! It'd be way cooler than what I have now (Pepper by the Butthole Surfers). I digress.

The actress who plays Dawn is super pretty, I must say. I always liked her, even if her hair wasn't long enough. Mallory's hair is not half-bad in this ep; she actually looks like a normal human being! I don't know if I mentionaed it in the last recap of the show I did, but I preferred the actresses in the show to the actresses in the movie, I just thought they looked more like the characters, even if Claudia didn't quite look that Japanese and Jessi wasn't black enough.

Dawn's catching tadpoles with some random ugly little boy. He isn't named, but he says he's going to grow up and be a chef and cook peanut butter and honey sandwiches so I know he must be Jamie Newton. LOL, I'm a BSC trivia winner. I always hated Jamie. I'm waiting for Jackie Rodowsky to show up. I never cared for him, either, but Danny Tamberelli, aka Little Pete, played him, and I have a fondness for all things old school Nickelodeon. Farewell, Little Viking (still brings a tear to my eye)!

Stacey and Mary Anne are laying together on a blanket while the rest of the club does all the work with the kids hanging pinecone bird feeders. Lazy hos. Stacey says that whenever she got homesick as a kid she used to look at the sky and pretend her parents were looking at it too and she didn't feel so bad. Mary Anne, ever the Debbie Downer, wonders if her dead mom is looking at it too. Stacey is rocking some fierce red lipstick to go with her poodle perm.

Jamie finds a baby bird on the ground and the BSC has to get all PSA on why you can't pick it up. Charlotte says that since her mom is a doctor and knows the emergency number for people, maybe she'll know the emergency number for animals, too! Um, Charlotte? I'm hedging a guess here, but isn't the emergency number for people 911? Fuck, and I only have my bachelor's degree! No one picks up on this, so I'd hate to be Mary Anne if Jenny Prezzioso has another 104 degree fever, or Claudia if Betsy Sobak pulls another practical joke on her, of Stacey if she has an insulin reaction, or Jessi if she's hanging out with Tupac in Vegas. They all merrily set off on their way, and come upon a surveyor. OH NOES! Dawn angrily accosts him and discovers they are going to build a road through the woods. She shits her Guess overalls.

BSC meeting. Mrs. Newton calls and wants a sitter. She says Jamie keeps talking about their "special place." Don't tell me you didn't picture Pedobear! He means the woods, not no-no areas. Dawn bitches some more about the road being put in. She says they have rights and need to be heard!

The next day or some shit, they go to the town hall and get a bunch of literature on the road. Dawn bitches that it's too much to read. Fuck, there's no pleasing this cunt! She totally dumps it all in the trash instead of recycling it and decides to take the easy way out and start a petition instead of educating herself. I hate people who protest things when they don't even bother to learn both sides first. Oh, and of course they suggest to have all the kids sign the petition. Pretty sure a seven-year-old's signature isn't going to have much weight on a petition, but nice try. Kristy is wearing a fanny-pack, by the way.

The girls see Dawn's crush of the episode, and lo and behold, he's played by a young Zach Braff! I didn't think it was possible, but he was even uglier back then. He's hanging out with Logan, and his name is now irrelevant to this episode because he's just going to be referred to as Zach Braff. Dawn loves his goofy looking face, and totally checks out his ass as he leaves. Mary Anne or someone says she thinks Zach Braff likes Dawn.

LITTLE PETE! I love how he's just randomly thrown in with a bunch of other kids, just because he's freaking adorable and because someone could totally see in the future and knew he would become iconic. Anyway, Little Pete (I don't know why Archie and Shea are never in any BSC shows), Becca, and Charlotte are coloring or some crap while Mallory, Stacey, and Claudia are helping them. Oh wait, didn't watch far enough ahead. Nope, the BSC is using the kids as child labor and they are making protest signs. No, really. Jessi randomly appears and let's them play Mother May I. Dawn comes and breaks up the game and sets those kids back to work! Kristy and Mary Anne run up with fliers, because you know the BSC is all about fliers, and says that they're going on a double date with Bart and Logan. Dawn gets her hemp panties all in a bunch until she hears that Zach Braff will be there too and wants her to come.

Dawn is getting ready for her date with Zach Braff. Kristy and Mary Anne are there. Dawn looks gorgeous, seriously. Her hair is all up in a bun and she looks about 19 or 20. I wonder how old the actress who played her was when she filmed this? Google search has turned nothing up. Anyway, Kristy and Mary Anne tell her she can get all intense about the environment and shit blah blah blah. Dawn of course gets all defensive blah blah blah. Kristy then asks her why she isn't wearing her hair down because it looks better down. I disagree, it looks good down, too, but she looks absolutely gorgeous right now. I hope I can find a screencap. Dawn starts to pull it out of its bun and Mary Anne asks her what she's doing. Dawn snots that they said it looked better down so she's putting it down. It's all very dumb. The doorbell rings. Cut to Kristy and Mary Anne waiting downstairs with Logan and Zach Braff. Dawn is still fixing her hair because, yeah, it did look like shit after taking it out of the bun. Kristy, by the way, is still wearing her fanny pack. Don't take hair advice from her. Dawn comes downstairs with her hair half up and half down. Zach Braff and his mullet ask her about the protest signs and she tells her about the road through the woods. Apparently he thinks the road is a good thing because then more people will get to enjoy the woods. Oh, and his mom commissioned the whole thing. Dawn pitches a fit and refuses to go out with Zach Braff.

Protest time. Dawn has a bunch of children circle around chanting "Save our trees!" while she talks to a reporter from the Stoneybrook News. Where are these kids' parents? Later on, the BSC looks at themselves in the paper and Dawn basically says how she's only one who cares blah blah blah and Kristy brings up Zach Braff and tries to tell her to keep her friends close and her enemies closer, but Dawn doesn't get it. Dawn sucks.

Hearing or something important and court-like looking or whatever time. I'm so over this episode. Next time I do a BSC video I'm making it into a drinking game so by the end I'm totally hammered. That way, you'll get my drunken bitchy remarks and I'll be so vodka-ed up I won't give a damn about this awful show. It's a win-win situation! Anyway, the judge or official-looking lady or whatever opens up the floor or something. Dawn stands up and says she opposes the road. Official Lady says, "Excuse me, but can you please state your name and your affiliation?" Snappleaddict: don'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSCdon'tsayBSC...Dawn: I'm Dawn Schafer, and I represent The Baby-Sitters Club! *headdesk* Dawn starts bitching about global warming and extinction (for 12 trees? in Connecticut?) and shit and Official Lady says that the road will give more people an opportunity to enjoy the woods. Dawn then starts bitching about how more people will bring more pollution and Official Lady interrupts her and says that maybe if she had studied the proposal (the stack of papers her lazy ass threw out) she would've seen that they planned all this shit for crap for sanitation and waste management to minimize pollution. OWNED! Furthermore, the road is designed to be accessible for the elderly and the handicapped. Dawn sputters. Throughout all this Zach Braff is throwing some amusing looks. The committee votes, and it's unanimous for the road.

After the hearing the BSC basically tells Dawn she sucks and needs to study her shit and come up with a plan instead of just saying things are wrong and not having a reason for why. Then for some reason they think talking to Zach Braff will get the committee to change the decision about the road. Okay, 1. If I was Zach Braff and Dawn acted like such a bitch to me, I'd never talk to her again, no matter how hot she is. Go for Stacey, she puts out. And 2. How the fuck can Zach Braff change a whole committee's decision?

Dawn is sitting and making paper cranes. Remember that book about the girl who got cancer from WW2 and she needed to make a million paper cranes or something? That was a good book. Anyway, Zach Braff comes up for some unknown reason (I guess Stacey turned him down or something) and Dawn shows him that she actually can read by bringing up other parks with similar problems (from California, natch) and that they can make a packed dirt road instead that winds around the trees, so no trees are harmed and it's still handicapped accessible.

Oh, I guess Official Lady is actually Mrs. Braff. Zach Braff shows her a map Claudia drew of the woods with the dirt roads in and she loves it and the day is saved!

The show ends with stupid Jamie and the bird being released back into the wild by some city official person. Apparently Charlotte's mom came through. Theme song!

Screencaps taken from the BSC Cover Art Gallery linked on the left.

"Fuck the handicapped!" (P.S. Look at Zach Braff staring at her over her shoulder.)

Way cuter with her hair up, even Kristy wants to French her.

Still ugly.

Kristy wears that damn fanny pack the whole fucking episode.

Mallory looking not like a spazoid.

Is that Morbidda Destiny? Nope, just Mrs. Braff! Oh, and Zach Braff totally has a boner.

Dawn and Zach Braff making a million paper cranes.

A Salute To A Truly Glamorous Ho

I was going to do an SVH book, but then I started shoe shopping online and lost track of time and now there's only about a half hour or so until I have to pick my cutie pie nephew up from daycare, so not enough time. However, I need to discuss something important.

If you have not seen the masterpiece that is Welcome to the Dollhouse, SEE IT. Some beautiful ho posted the entire movie on Youtube, and everyone must watch it. I officially declare today Salute Dawn Weiner Day.

Where do I begin? The elastic waist pants pulled up to her armpits, the footie pajamas, the hair balls, the examining of her hands in the mirror after Ginger the slut ("We gotta tawk.") says she finger-fucked Steve, sawing off Missy's doll's head, the shrine to Steve? I LOVE HER.

So to Dawn Weiner, I raise my cold fishsticks and Hawaiian Punch to you. I will gladly be a member of the Special People Club.

New Poll!

Hottest Man Candy Part 2 is FINALLY here! It comes as no surprise that Jake Ryan totally killed the last poll, so which sexy bitch will win your heart (and panties) this time around?

Jordan Catalano - world's best leaner. Gigantic blue eyes and floppy hair. Writes romantic songs, but they turn out to be about his car. May inspire you to dance to The Violent Femmes when you're over him, which is pretty awesome.

Todd Wilkins - I'm pretty sure Todd's gay. I'd just saying, bitch pretty much only ever wants to hold Liz's hand and she's supposed to be the hottest bitch in Sweet Valley. He and Liz act like they're 80. He turns into a drunk in SVU, though, so I guess he knows how to party.

Zack Morris - ability to stop time, break the fourth wall, and possesses the world's coolest phone? This dude kicks ass. I predict a close race between him and Catalano.

Ben Hobart - hot Aussie ginge. Don't fuck with his card catalog.

I'm an...adult?

Well, my lovelies, unlike the BSC, I have graduated. College, that is. I also have the impending doom of my 25th birthday coming upon me in a few weeks, but my best friend and I have decided we're just going to tell everyone it's my 21st since I look like I'm 15 anyway. Free drinks! As of yet, I'm still unemployed because apparently being a psych major who spent all her time studying and making the National Honor Society in Psychology (Psi Chi represent!) doesn't bode as well as experience. If only I could get paid for reading BSC. Ann M. Martin, I will totally be your bitch. I will ghostwrite the hell out of that shit, just give me a chance!

Unemployment has a way of making you hella bored, so I've been toying with the idea of blogging again, because, shit, Jersey Shore has ended. Also, check out what I recently scored from the discard shelf of my library...

If you're saying to yourself, "Shit, bitch, that looks like pretty much every single SVH book besides the ones you probably already own," that's because IT IS! My ho ass library got rid of these fine pieces of literature, and I collected them in a huge bag as fast as I could. YOU KNOW YOU'D DO THE SAME THING. I haven't gotten my collection all together yet, but going by memory, I think I own all of them now except for All Night Long, which angers me because Scott's porn 'stache is so rockin'. I think a trip to the used book store is in order so I can get that last one.

I also took a picture of my holy trifecta, just to make everyone jealous:

Don't hate!

Friday, January 22, 2010



A PREQUEL?!!? A MOTHERFUCKING PREQUEL?!!? *dies of heart attack*