Tuesday, November 22, 2011

BSC #50 Dawn's Big Date

I was running all the BSC kids through my head, trying to find one I didn't find partially annoying and discovered that, to my knowledge, there is only one: Norman Hill. He is such a sad sack, and cracks me up. Enormous Hill! I vaguely recall him being mentioned in passing in another book. He was still fat. What I want to know is, why does Jamie Newton have to be in like every freaking book and Karen gets her own series, but Norman pretty much is contained to this book? Can you imagine if it had been Norman instead of Jamie when they were lost on that island? Haley would've been eaten. The first day. If Norman had gone to Florida instead of Karen, he would've charged a lobster dinner instead of a manicure to the room. Norman on the Krushers is like the fat kid from Little Giants, PBJ in his helmet and all. See what I mean, everything is way funnier with Norman around!

Also, this book is made of win because Dawn drops her hippie shit and pulls off some of the hottest fashions I have ever heard of in my life.

So it's New Year's Eve for probably the 90th time in Stoneybrook but the BSC members are still in 8th grade. Just go with it. Dawn and Mary Anne are having a sleepover and are planning what food to serve. Mary Anne wants mini pizzas and pigs-in-a-blanket, and Dawn wants healthy stuff. Healthy stuff can be good, but Dawn wants gross healthy stuff, like soybean pie. Beans do not a pie make. Unless it's a pot pie. Anyway, Mary Anne tells Dawn that Logan's hick cousin, Lewis, who Dawn has been writing to since #37, is going to come soon for a visit. Dawn is scared Lewis won't find her attractive. Well, you have all your teeth and you're not related to him, so you've got that going for you, Dawn.

Dawn and Mary Anne arrive one minute late to the BSC meeting, and Kristy has a cow. Claudia lightens the mood by bringing out a popcorn tin, which makes me love her even more. I fucking love popcorn tins! This is Chapter Two, so Dawn describes all the members and there's nothing of importance to note other than Stacey still has diabetes, Jessi's still black, and they book a job for a new client - the Hills!

New Year's Eve Party. How were they all not booked for jobs? We're supposed to believe that the parents of Stoneybrook can't stay home every other night of the year, but on the night when everyone goes out all of a sudden decide to be with their kids? I don't think so. Anyway, the club all arrives, and Stacey has a super chilly new cassette tape to show Mary Anne - Cam Geary Sings! I guess he's no Beibs, because he sucks ass. The girls make their resolutions, and Dawn silently resolves to get a man. Don't we all?

Time for Dawn to meet the Hills! I'm so excited! She describes Sarah as pretty and slim with a long neck, and Norman as fat. LOL Dawn. Norman says he has to do homework and lumbers off to his room. Sarah shows Dawn her room and then barges in on Norman, who is stuffing his face with Hostess. Dawn tells him to clean it up and to come play. They decide to watch The Little Mermaid, and Norman secretly eats Hershey Kisses the entire time. At one point during the movie, Dawn realizes he's not next to her and she finds him in the kitchen with a PBJ and a pile of Oreos. She says he'll spoil his dinner and he tells her they won't eat until 8. That is pretty late for a little kid, we always ate around 5 and my bed time was 9. Sarah's friend Elizabeth comes over and starts calling Norman Enormous Hill and Dawn doesn't find it half as amusing as I do, even though she is also thinking mean thoughts about Norman. Dawn's a hypocrite. Norman tells Dawn that if he doesn't drop 20 he has to go to fat camp this summer and he totes doesn't want to. Dawn really feels his pain when she looks outside and sees that Sarah and Elizabeth have made a fat snowman and written "Enormous Hill" in the snow.

You know, Norman's 7. I know it would suck for everyone to not have junk food in the house because of him, but really, if whoever did the grocery shopping didn't buy Oreos and peanut butter and cupcakes, then he wouldn't be tempted. I'm 26, and I know that if I buy potato chips I will sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives and eat the entire bag in one sitting and then feel bad about myself, so I don't buy them. If it's not there, I can't eat it. It's not like Norman can drive to Jewel or McDonald's and load up on crap. If the entire family hates that he's a fattypants, then they all have to make sacrifices.

Dawn gets home and contemplates her day. She is sad that Norman's life is so sad. If he stops being such a puss now, he'll prob be a football player in high school, just sayin'. Mary Anne comes running in the house and writes on the calendar that Lewis Bruno is arriving in a week. Dawn freaks because she doesn't think it's enough time to improve herself. She runs upstairs to go through some fashion mags, and Mary Anne decides to give her a makeover. Bowl cut for the win? Nope, just hot rollers and heavy makeup. Dawn makes a Flashdance sweatshirt and then they take a super sexual picture and mail it to Lewis. Hick boner!

Claudia gets the pleasure of sitting for the Hills. Does anyone else get that Natasha Bedingfield song in their head when they read that? Feel the rain on your skin! She's giving Sarah an art lesson when Norman arrives home from his after-school program. Snowballs and insults follow him, and he cries and goes to his room. Sarah goes outside to play with Elizabeth. After awhile, Norman sneaks downstairs and begins to eat away his feelings with Oreos. This book is making me hungry. Also tired. Norman tells Claudia that he has a friend named Teddy at school, and a pen pal named Brittany, who is totes his gf. Claudia doesn't believe him, because no one likes a fat kid. Teddy calls for Norman, proving Claudia half wrong, and while he's on the phone she finds a draft of a letter to Brittany. It talks about how awesome he was at fighting a school bully and she's really pretty but how his mom's camera is broken so he can't send her a picture. His school pic is lying right next to it. Claudia is sure Norman's fat ass will never send Brittany a pic, because he is fat. Fat.

Dawn contemplates what she should do for her new look. She Project Runways that shit up, and makes some more Flashdance sweatshirts, some ripped jeans, a skirt out of sweatpants, and takes in a bunch of other jeans to make them tighter. Hot! Plus, who knew she was so good at sewing? The BSC members, of course, do not like her new look. Those bitches hate change. I swear, the best way to guarantee a fight within the BSC is to get some highlights or some shit. They won't speak to you for a week. However, the Flashdance sweatshirts start making Dawn act like a total cooze, cracking her sugarfree bubblegum all over the place and generally pissing Kristy off. She defends her right to change herself if she damn well pleases, and when the meeting ends sends a super sexual postcard to Lewis about his hunky voice. Easy there, killer.

The Brunos, Mary Anne, and Dawn all go to LaGuardia to go pick up Lewis. Dawn has the hottest outfit ever on, and you know where she got it? Motherfucking Zingy's. What now, bitches? She's wearing black ballet slippers, black lace capri leggings, a short metallic silver tutu skirt, and a tight long sleeved black and white striped top. She is also wearing black rubber bangles, two long feather earrings in one ear, and black hoops in the two holes in the other ear. Guys, can we talk about this? I had to make a visual of it, it's so freaking hot:

Mary Anne asks Dawn if she wants to change her skirt and she says hell to the naw, that's the best part! Agreed. Mary Anne is totes stale. They pick up Lewis, and Dawn doesn't say much. Afterwards, Mary Anne yells at her for being lame. Let that one sit with you for awhile.

Stacey's turn to sit for Enormous Hill. Sarah is going to have a picnic with Elizabeth but Norman can't come because he's a lardass and needs to stick to his diet. Their mom hands Stacey a Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and tells them that it would be hot if Norman did that today. Norman, to his credit, does start doing it, and then says he needs a drink and lumbers off to the kitchen. He leaves the water running so long that Stacey goes in to investigate and finds him chowing down on potato chips. Norman's no dummy, he turned on the water to cover up the crunching sounds. Norman tells Stacey he eats when he's sad, and eating makes him feel happy. If he has these problems at 7, what the hell is he going to be like during puberty?

Dawn is freaking out getting ready for her double date with Lewis and Mary Anne and Logan. Mary Anne picks out her outfit, and for real, when did this bitch become Rachel Zoe? She chooses a plain black turtleneck and a jean skirt. Okay for school maybe, but not for a first date. Dawn rolls the skirt up a few inches, adds some hot tights and Zingy's boots, and puts on a buttload of makeup and hair gel. Now she's ready to rock! Except not, because the date sucks ass. They go to see Gone With the Wind, and her makeup smears all over the place when she cries. She tries to incorporate conversation tips from teen mags while talking to Lewis and ends up sounding like a rere. She spills popcorn all over the place while trying to do the reaching for popcorn at the same time and holding hands thing. Basically, it sucks butt.

Club meeting. Mary Anne and Dawn each retell the date in their own way, angrily. Kristy is over it, and wants to get down to club business. Dawn is wearing my favorite hairstyle of her "rebel" phase: tons of braids that she unbraided up to her chin so the top half is still braided and the bottom is all frizzed out. They try to come up with ways to help Norman without butting into the Hills' lives too much. Like that's ever stopped them before.

Mary Anne's turn to babysit Norman and Sarah. Sarah is acting like a little cooze, telling Mary Anne that they can't use the exercise tape she brought because Norman has a special one for fat boys. Then she starts drawing fat kid pics and putting them up on the fridge. Norman grows a pair and rips them up in front of her. Sarah gets pissed, but Mary Anne just tells her to stop drawing such mean pics. She realizes that Norman's family pushes him around just like she's been pushing Dawn around with Lewis.

Dawn decides to get Lewis alone for some hot hick lovin'. He confesses that he liked the pic of her without all the crap on her face and the non-Flashdance sweatshirt better. She tells him to come back in an hour, and takes out her hot half brand, half frizz hairstyle, puts on a shitty sweatshirt and jeans, and makes some gross health food. This time, they hit it off. All because she was herself!

After dinner Mary Anne and Dawn talk it out. Dawn felt Mary Anne was pushing her to be someone she wasn't, with all the teen mag conversation tips and shit. Mary Anne agrees, they make up, and all is good. The next day or some shit, they all go out bowling and to a health food restaurant, and everything is perfect. Lewis kisses Dawn, and she's in heaven.

The book ends with Dawn sitting for Norman again. Sarah bursts in, fresh from a fight with Elizabeth. This time, she got pissed because Elizabeth called Norman Enormous Hill again, so she pushed her ass in some snow. Norman also asks Dawn to take a Polaroid of himself to send to Brittany. He's explained to her that even though he's a fattypants now, he won't be by the summer because his mom quit buying junk food (about time). He also is pretending to be like Stacey and staying away from junk food because if he eats it it will make him sick. We end on a hopeful note, with Norman excited about the possibility about not being a lardo any more, and Dawn giddy about Lewis. Too bad we never hear if Norman lost the chub or not. Did his parents send him away to Wellspring or something?

Dawn is so over it. I don't know why, because Lewis is pretty hot. I'd hit it. Mary Anne has an unfortunate case of rosacea going on.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

BSC #4 Mary Anne Saves the Day

This post is brought to you by much vodka. Drunk blogging for the win! I was all like, oh man I want to update my blog and wandered into my room to go find a book. This was sitting on top of my box of books and I screamed out YES and ran back to the computer. God, I love BSC. Say hello to my friends, indeed.

Is this one of the best BSC books or what? Maybe it's because I have a black heart, but the ones where they have fights are always the best, and in this one they all fight! My perfect BSC book would consist of a mega fight, descriptions of Claudia's clothes on every other page, Little Pete (not Jackie Rodowsky), Laine, Karen being hit by a bus, Stacey's diabetes being cured so I'd never have to hear about it again, Daddy Stew, Enormous Hill, Cam Geary, the Bizzer Sign, and a pizza toast. It would be a Super Special with a neon pink glitter cover. Ann M. Martin - MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Snappleaddict's Super Chilly and Distant Special. Hot.

This fine ass piece of literature opens up with Mary Anne and Kristy meeting up to go to a BSC meeting. Since this book is old as hell, Kristy's mom hasn't yet become a Real Housewife of Stoneybrook, and they're still living next door, and across the street from Claudia. There are only three other BSC members to talk about, which doesn't really warrant the traditional Chapter Two format, so Mary Anne sums them up right then and there, which I appreciate. The meeting goes on, and everything goes fine until Mrs. Newton calls and asks for a sitter for Jamie and Lucy, who is still a newborn. Kristy answers, and accepts without offering the job around. Everyone in the club was free that night, and a gigantic fight about job-hogging ensues. Apparently Claudia also forgets to offer a lot of jobs around, which they all remind her of. Somehow Stacey gets involved and calls Claudia a stuck-up job hog, Kristy a bossy know it all, and Mary Anne a shy little baby. Mary Anne defends herself for once and calls Stacey a conceited snob, Claudia a stuck-up job hog, and Kristy the biggest, bossiest, know it all in the world, and then leaves. I blame Mrs. Newton.

Mary Anne runs home crying, and has to start dinner for her dad. Richard comes home, and I swear, it is like the most awkward dinner ever. Mary Anne sucks butt because of him. Seriously, is Mary Anne anyone's favorite BSC member? He's consistently correcting her grammar and manners and just generally being a lame ass. Come on, Richard, let her say the word gross. I promise it won't be a gateway into tattoos, marijuana, Logan's lovechild, and green hair. Thank God Dawn's mom came around and got this man laid. Anyway, Mary Anne finishes dinner and escapes to her room, which she proclaims she hates. It's decorated like a big baby's, in colors she hates. and she can't do anything about it because Richard is a hard ass. Mary Anne reflects on her fight with Kristy, and plans on signalling that she's sorry to her with their secret flashlight code. Kristy, however, keeps her windowshade down all night. Ho.

The next day, the fight is still on between all the girls. Mary Anne writes apology notes to all of them, but in the end the only one that is actually sincere is the one for Claudia. She decides to give it to her at lunch. Ah, lunch. Now here's the predicament: Mary Anne always sits with Kristy and the Shillaber twins. When she arrives in the lunchroom, Kristy is being a ho and there's def no way she can sit with them. So she sits by herself, until a new girl with long pale blonde hair asks if she can sit with her. It's Dawn, fresh in from California! Dawn assumes Mary Anne is new, too, but Mary Anne lies and says all her friends are just absent. They have a grand old time, and Kristy fumes. Mary Anne realizes later that she forgot to give the note to Claudia.

The next day is a Wednesday, which means it's a club meeting day. Mary Anne decides to head over to Kristy's house to see what's up. David Michael answers the door and then Kristy slams it in her face. Trick. School isn't much better, with Stacey and Claudia still fighting too. Mary Anne decides to hang out at Dawn's after school, and we get our first description of the farmhouse and Sharon's unorganized ass, who is putting photos in a photo album instead of unpacking. Priorities - Sharon's got them. Dawn and Mary Anne watch The Parent Trap (non-Lohan version) and Mary Anne leaves, nervous about the BSC meeting that awaits her. I love how impressed they are by Dawn having a VCR. Oh, 80s.

Meeting time. Kristy doesn't show up. The bitches fight over jobs and have to draw names out of a hat, and then fight over that. They leave without saying a word to each other, but Mary Anne gives Mimi her note to give to Claudia. She calls her after she gets home and they semi-make up. They discuss what to do about Kristy, and Mary Anne decides to try to talk to her the next day at school and see if she still wants to be a part of the BSC or not. Because that will go well.

School. Kristy is being a rude ass little trick. There's really no other way to put it. She claims that the club members should've called her every time a job came in and offered it to her, and that she doesn't need to show up to meetings because it's her club. You are acting like a cheer-tator, Kristy, and a total pain in the ass! Kristy decides that every day one club member will man the meetings and take calls, offer the jobs around that she can't take, and that way they won't have to be by each other. Lame.

Mary Anne mans a meeting by herself, and takes a job for the Prezziosos, who at this time are fairly new clients. She arrives there two days later and Jenny is dressed in a white frilly lace dress and has hair ribbons and all sorts of inappropriate shit for a 4 year old. How does she stay clean ever, my 3 year old nephew is dirty approximately 5 seconds after we dress him. Anyway, Jenny can't stay clean either, because dumbass Mary Anne lets her play with a paint with water book from her Kid-Kit and she spills all over her dress. Mary Anne - lie to her and tell her it doesn't work, duh. She's 4, she doesn't know any better. My nephew told me he wanted Skittles once and I told them they were dog food. What's he going to do, argue with me? Mary Anne manages to get the stain out of the dress before the Prezziosos come home, and is relieved.

Mary Anne grows a pair and decides to confront her father about some shit. She wants to be able to stay out until 10 for baby-sitting, redecorate her room, dress how she wants, and take her hair out of braids. I never understood the braids thing. What the hell did Richard think would happen if she wore a headband? Slut City? I kind of love Richard. Remember when he and Sharon first got married and Dawn wanted to piss him off so she unorganized his sock drawer? Anyway, he isn't open to Mary Anne's requests, and she gets pissed and calls him her jailer. He sends her to her room. I think she should just pull a Stephanie Kaye and start changing into some sexy spandex clothes at school. All the way with Mary A!

The next day Mary Anne pays a visit to Mimi to discuss her lame ass dad. Mimi tells her the same crap everyone does, about how it's not easy for Richard to be raising her alone and blah blah blah. Lots of people are single parents. She calls her "my Mary Anne" and Claudia comes in and hears and shits her technicolor pants in anger. The fight between them is back on!

Meeting. Mary Anne is manning it, and Claudia is being an a-hole and playing music super loud so she can't hear anyone on the phone. Mimi finally comes in and takes Claudia downstairs for tea so she quits being a ho. Mary Anne has to call Kristy twice to offer her jobs, and Kristy acts like a little bitch. Seriously, I would not want these immature tricks watching my newborn. Mrs. Newton, who started all this shit anyway, calls and books the entire club for Jamie's fourth birthday party. For some retarded reason beyond me, they all agree to go. They can't even stand to be in the same room for half an hour for club meetings, but they'll go to Jamie's birthday party. Mrs. Newton seriously loves to start shit, am I right?

A few days later Kristy and Mary Anne have to sit for the 3 million Pikes. They end up playing Telephone all night so they never have to speak to one another, and it's hella lame. The Pikes take their sweet ass time coming home, and Mary Anne starts panicking because she'll be out past her curfew. I'm sure if she just called Richard and was like, yo, I'm still here waiting for them and they're not home yet, but I'm okay and not out getting wasted and stuff, he'd be fine. But no, instead she freaks out and as soon as the Pikes walk in the door makes them drive her home. Kristy calls her a baby.

When Mary Anne arrives home Richard is naturally waiting for her, because it's a few minutes past nine. He's actually pretty cool about it, though, and says things come up and next time just call if she thinks she might be a little late (told you!). Mary Anne brings up the point that it would be a lot easier on everyone if she could just stay out until at least 9:30 on the weekdays and Richard is like hell to the naw. Shot down yet again!

Mary Anne decides the next day to end the fight with Kristy once and for all, because it's dumb as hell. Word. Dawn comes over and they go through Richard's old yearbooks to see if he knew Sharon and discover that they were totes doing it in high school. I wonder if Richard organized his sock drawer back then too.

The next day or whatever, Mary Anne goes to babysit Jenny again. The Prezziosos are going to a basketball game an hour away. Jenny is being a trick as usual and refuses to do anything but scream. That child seriously needs a good beating. She falls asleep while Mary Anne is reading her a story and Mary Anne realizes she is super hot. She takes her temperature and discovers she has a fever of 104. Mary Anne begins calling everyone - Jenny's doctor, the Pikes, the next-door neighbors, and her father, but no one is home. She doesn't want to call the other members of the BSC, so she calls Dawn. Sharon's not home to help, either, but Dawn comes over and tells her to call 911 to see what to do. The dispatcher tells her little kids often run really high temps and it can mean nothing, but Jenny should be looked at anyway. Since Mary Anne can't drive and no one is home, an ambulance is sent on its way.

Turns out Jenny has strep throat. Her parents arrive a little while later, having been paged over the PA at the gymnasium to go home and head to the hospital. It's weird to think of a time before cell phones, right? They pay Mary Anne and Dawn 10 dollars each for taking care of Jenny and handling the situation so well, which Mary Anne is impressed with but I am not. Mary Anne invites Dawn over to look at photo albums and see if they can find any pics of Richard and Sharon together. She totes puts on a show of laughing with Dawn in her room because Kristy is watching from her room (creepy!) and Dawn catches her and gets pissed. She leaves and Mary Anne cries because now she for real has no friends.

Mary Anne is super preoccupied during dinner and really doesn't feel like hanging out with Richard. They're interrupted by a phone call from the Prezziosos, in which Mrs. Prezzioso tells Richard in a hurry how proud of Mary Anne she is and basically Richard is all like, the fuck? Mary Anne tells him afterwards what happened with Jenny and he realizes that she isn't a little kid any more and agrees to extend her baby-sitting hours to 9:30 on weekdays and 10 on weekends. Mary Anne pushes her luck, and runs upstairs, takes out her braids, and then asks Richard how she looks. Instead of saying "Like a common whore!" like I thought, he says she looks lovely and agrees to let her hair flow freely in the wind, and she can also redecorate her room. Richard? Totally jerked off before coming home from work that night.

Jamie's party. That bitch Mrs. Newton is there so we know it's going to suck. Also, I've never liked Jamie. I think he's supposed to be cute or something, but he just annoys the shit out of me with his hi-hi crap. Anyway, the club members argue all throughout the party, culminating in Mary Anne pouring punch in Kristy's lap, Claudia flinging a wet napkin at Stacey, and Stacey smushing a napkin in Claudia's face. Jamie starts to cry, and Mrs. Newton is pissed. Mary Anne apologizes for everyone, and tells the rest of the club members that there is an emergency meeting of the BSC after the party, and their trick asses had better be there. Do you guys always read "emergency meeting" with the same sense of urgency that I do? I love it.

EMERGENCY MEETING. No one really remembers why they're mad or who they're mad at, so they all count to three and apologize at the same time. It's all super lame, but a fuck of a lot better then reading about them sticking their tongues out at each other every few pages.

Mary Anne finally gets the story from Richard on what went down with him and Sharon. They dated in high school, but broke up because Sharon's dad (aka Pop-Pop) didn't think Richard was good enough for her. She moved to California, they both married other people, and the rest is history. Mary Anne calls Dawn and tells her the news. They freak out and then she decides to call Kristy to see if Dawn can be in the BSC.

Richard has been invaded by space aliens or something, because he decides to let Mary Anne have a BSC party. She also invites Dawn, and Sharon drops her off. Richard wastes no time in asking that hot piece of unorganized ass out, and she accepts. The girls are hella excited. The club members all arrive, and meet Dawn. Mary Anne tells them how great she was with Jenny and shit, and she doesn't have to go through any written tests or anything like Mallory did, because she's in. The BSC is now a five member club, and they have a pizza toast to celebrate!

Do you guys think Sharon gave it up on the first date? I do.

Ah, the classic cover. Mary Anne looks about 9, and Jenny is the fuggest child I have ever seen in my life. Both of them have some unfortunate bangs situations going on.

And the new cover. Do not tell me for one second that Richard let Mary Anne out of the house in a skirt hiked up all the way to her jay. No way in hell.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

BSC VHS #3 Stacey's Big Break

Damn I've been busy and neglectful. I'm terrible. So here you go, a real update!

We open up with the first few bars of the theme song, and I already feel myself start to perk up (note to self: make this a ringtone NOW). The BSC is picking up some pizzas and looking at fashion mags along the way. I'm already in love with this episode, because I know I can squeeze in numerous Top Model references. The theme song commences, and I sit on my bed and sing along, as I always do. And this, my friends, is why I don't have a boyfriend.

BSC meeting. Stacey comes in a minute late and doesn't get yelled at by Kristy. I CALL SHENANIGANS! Anyway, with a flip of her extra frizzed out hair, she informs the others that a friend of her mom's called and asked her to model at Bellair's. Mallory isn't wearing glasses. WTF is with the continuity here? Kristy is shitting bricks about how the BSC is putting on the play Snow White and it hasn't been cast yet. Broadway is surely weeping over the loss. Stacey says that it's Tuesday and she needs to collect dues, and now it's my turn to shit bricks, because hello? BSC meetings are on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and dues are collected on Mondays! I demand a rewrite. The phone rings and OMG, it's the Bellair's modelling rep wanting to take Stacey's pictures next Tuesday! I'm so sure. Like she'd really call the BSC number. Stacey frets over what to wear and do with her hair, and Mary Anne says her hair is her best feature. I piss myself laughing because it looks like something crawled up and died on that girl's head. If that's her best feature, then I'd hate to see her worst.

The next day or something Stacey is babysitting Charlotte. Charlotte kind of sucks. I know she's supposed to be all shy and sweet and stuff, but I always just wanted to tell her to man up. Anyway, Stacey is reading her Snow White, and I think you know where this is going. I predict she'll talk her into playing the part of Snow White but be so busy with her modelling career that she won't be able to help her learn her lines. Man, I'm awesome. Stacey's hair is in a braid that is as fat as her thigh. Complete with scrunchies. Plural.

The BSC is giving Stacey fashion advice on what to wear for her meeting at Bellair's. Won't they give her clothes? Also, why did they invite Mallory? And Kristy? And Mary Anne? I'd basically only let Claudia and Dawn there. They decide on a super sexy dark purple blazer and white button down, buttoned all the way up, with some totally hot flowered spandex pants and her hair in a stylish banana clip. Mallory says she looks fabulous. Take it off, Stacey!

Apparently cheap ass Bellair's is making her wear her own shit, because she's mugging in front of the camera in that very same outfit. The photographer says she has natural talent and that the camera loves her. Stacey preens and primps and soaks up the compliments.

Then there's another photo scene outside where some random little girl is staring at Stacey. It's kind of creepy. Stacey is wearing a big purple beret, because that's how we did it in the early 90's. I also had one. It matched my Gitano coat. So I can't make fun of her too much, I guess. Well, yeah I can. She looks like a dweeb.

OMG LITTLE PETE! Kristy is trying to hold a rehearsal for their play. Charlotte isn't cooperating because Stacey isn't there. Apparently all the other 6 members of the BSC aren't good enough. Kristy says Stacey better show up to the next rehearsal or else there may not be a show. I'm sure you're really in jeopardy of losing that Tony, Kristy.

Modelling shit. An agent or someone compliments Stacey on how well she wears clothes. She's wearing a butt-ugly dress. Stacey smiles and never says thank you. Then she yawns and the agent says she better keep her strength up. I'm surprised she hasn't mentioned her diabetes.

Montage! Stacey models outside in an outfit I totally had in 1992 - a blue polka dot top and lime green shorts. Shut up. Then she rollerblades in a sporty outfit, except I guess she can't rollerblade. Throughout all this, she kind of looks like a shitty model. She's not even looking at the camera, or even going anywhere near it, for that matter. Also, the photographer seems super creepy. I'm just saying, if I was Stacey's mom, I'd be asking for some credentials. I'm pretty sure he can't be around any parks or schools.

Pizza with the BSC. They want all the deets on Stacey's modelling career, but she's too tired. She bitches about how she had to wear shorts outside in the cold, and then she denies herself pizza because she says the agent lady says she's too fat and needs to lose ten pounds. Tyra had to wear a bikini in Antarctica while eating nothing but celery and lemon water for eight months straight and jogging 18 miles on a permanent incline on her treadmill on 2 hours of sleep and you know what? SHE TURNED OUT A FIERCE PICTURE AND NEVER COMPLAINED! That's Miss Banks, if you're nasty.

Stacey sees Charlotte at the pizza parlor, and Charlotte totes freezes her out. I didn't know she had it in her! Stacey tells her she'll work with her on Saturday on her part for the play, but Charlotte tells her in a newly acquired Jersey accent not to bother because Dawn is now her helper. Stacey is sad. She goes back to the BSC and stuffs her face with a piece of pizza. Eat those feelings, Stacey!

Runway show! I guess the pictures were just for a competition and this is it. Now it's the face-off, kind of like the stomp of death at the end of every Top Model season. I watch so much Top Model that I permanently stomp around everywhere like I'm on a runway, even though I'm 5 feet tall, a size 7, and hideously deformed. Don't take away my dreams! Anyway, the winner gets a bunch of shit, including a trip to Hollywood. And the winner is...Stacey McGill! The BSC congratulates her, but can't stay for the celebration party because they have to rehearse for Snow White. Stacey says she'll for sure be at the performance tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

Dress rehearsal. Charlotte is whining that she wants Stacey, and I want to duct tape her mouth shut. Little Pete is being awesome, Kristy is being a bossy trick, and surprise surprise, Stacey doesn't show up.

Model shit. Some little girl is running around and Stacey calms her down. Her mom says she must have a lot of siblings, and of course, Stacey says nope, she's part of the Baby-sitters Club! The mom is like, the hell you say? Stacey plugs the club hardcore until she's called into the agent lady's office. Agent lady gives her some commercial lines to read and Stacey says she has to be somewhere by 4. Agent lady's like, um no, you're doing your commercial then. Stacey flat out tells her that the BSC is putting on a play and she needs to be there. The agent lady tries to explain to her that she will get a lot of exposure from the commercial and from winning the contest, but Stacey refuses, saying the BSC is the most important thing to her. Agent lady hands her her beret. No freakout? Tyra would be disappointed.

Future Tony Award winning play. Not. It goes about as you'd expect. Stacey comes and saves the day and Charlotte doesn't forget her lines. Everything is perfect and hugs and grins are given all around. Charlotte needs some Crest WhiteStrips.

Stacey informs the BSC she quit modelling, and the theme song plays. Hahaha, the wardrobe was provided by Gitano! I told you!

So who wants to do karaoke with me and sing the BSC theme song? I must say I am wailing it out pretty impressively.

Apparently the site I used for screencaps is down, so I can't get any, sorry! I'll try to find a way.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Sweet Valley Confidential...What?

So I can tell you what Francine Pascal was doing in the 20 or so years since the first SVH book was released, sure as hell not picking up any book with the words Sweet Valley in the title and reading it.

Now I admit, I haven't read all the books myself. I've probably read the majority of SVH, a good chunk of SVU, all the Sagas, and a few SVT, SVK, and Junior High (no Senior Year or Elizabeth series). Still, I could own the f-ing CREATOR in a game of Sweet Valley trivia, because she doesn't even know Lila's father's name! It's GEORGE, not RICHARD! I threw the book across the room after that one.

I was confused as hell throughout this entire book. First of all, they're pretending the whole Elizabeth series never happened, while still ripping it off. Okay. Second, it just jumped right into the story, making you feel like you were missing something. I had to Google to see if I should've read the Elizabeth series or the last SVU novels to understand what the hell was going on. Nope, that's how the book was written. Plus, I was so unnerved by all the sex and swearing. I don't want to hear about Elizabeth's orgasms, that's gross. I especially don't want to read about Todd watching porn. Ew. I mean, okay, they're adults now, but damn it, if Jessica could date 90% of SVH and we're supposed to believe she didn't sleep around, then let me believe they still don't!

Now for the spoilers.

I don't buy the character changes. Bruce, a good guy who is in love with his best friend, ELIZABETH (book thrown)? Steven married to Cara (I thought he knocked up Billie in SVU and they got married, someone please clarify this for me), then Steven being gay? Winston supposedly an asshole, though we're never shown him, then unceremoniously killed off (supposedly he fell from a balcony, I think Margo came back and pushed him)? Todd and Jessica, doing it since SVU? Olivia Davidson not mentioned in the dead list in the epilogue?

There is one good thing about Sweet Valley Confidential. 1BRUCE1 is alive and well.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Nothing I ever write will ever top this

One of my favorite authors (who actually does not write young adult novels, shocker), Bret Easton Ellis, has done his spin on the BSC. If you've read "Less Than Zero" or any of his other books you'll get the tone of it, but even if you haven't, it's hilarious. I pretty much died of happiness. Here's a link:


Also, please note that the final round of the hottest man candy has started. It's a tough choice. I'm a sucker for blue eyes and guys that lean, so I may go for Jordan Catalano. Who knows?

If you haven't read the BSC prequel yet, get on it! It's written by Ann, so it's not all jacked up concerning the facts (though I read it a few months ago so it may have some details wrong, I can't remember), and even though it's a prequel I thought it seemed like a sweet ending. Kind of like a goodbye to my childhood friends. Now I'm getting all emotional and shit, which totally does not go with the cold-hearted bitch persona I try to portray, so I better sign out.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Vote here!

I'm from the Chicago area, home of corrupt politics, so sometimes I vote multiple times on my own polls from different computers or by signing out. Eh, it happens. You've seen our former governor on the Celebrity Apprentice, you know how we roll (JOKING). But this post isn't about me (for once, but I'm sure I'll find a way to make it about me), it's about this super cool list that another blog is compiling (I read about it on Go Fug Yourself, one of my faves), where you can vote for your top ten favorite young adult novels! At the end she'll compile a list of the top 100 young adult novels. So get to voting, and let's hope your faves show up. And hey, comment here and let me know what you put, 'cause I'm nosy.

Here's the link:


Thursday, April 8, 2010

New Poll!

Hottest Man Candy - Part 3!

Jordan Catalano leaned his way into your hearts and stole nearly half the votes! He'll go on to compete with Jake Ryan in the finals of the sexiest men alive.

Now onto our fresh meat:

Bailey Salinger - In sixth grade (before Hanson came out) I had the hugest crush on Scott Wolf and lived for Party of Five. I still love the show and those baby blue eyes and dimples.

Ian Somerhalder - Good Lord this boy is beautiful! Only reason I watched the short lived Dawson's Creek spin-off Young Americans.

Uncle Jesse - As a lifelong Full House fan, I can honestly say now that the show is pretty terrible (I still love it though) but that man can babysit me anyday...in bed.

Uncle Jesse's mullet - Didn't we all kind of get pissed at Stephanie when she cut it off? That mullet was an art form.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Yeah, I know

So I took an extended time off to mourn my birthday, I guess. Sue me. Or don't, because I've been blowing all my money on Betsey Johnson shoes and would have to represent myself and got my degree in Psychology, not law. At least I'd look hot, right?

I tried to watch the sequel to Center Stage today, and holy crap, that shit is TERRIBLE. I couldn't even make it through the whole movie, otherwise I would've done a post on it, because trust me, I was making fun of it hardcore. Sandy Cohen and Cooper Nielsen were the only people to return from the original movie. Cooper is still a smarmy show-off who wears too much eyeliner and is such a flaming homo that there is no way any woman could mistake hom for straight, and he did not take is time off between movies to learn how to act, and Sandy Cohen's famed eyebrows are still intact. Oh, and former hockey players who become dancers suddenly develop New York accents halfway through the movie, and girls who get into the dance company order Cosmos from bars, while girls who don't order beers. The rest of the movie is irrelevant. Center Stage is one of my favorite movies, but I didn't expect much from the sequel. Let's just say I wasn't disappointed.

I miss Saturday morning cartoons. Specifically, Disney's One Saturday Morning (hosted by Stacey from the BSC tv show!), with Pepper Ann, The Weekenders, Recess, that one short that was the class pictures that talked that the name is escaping me but I know the videos are on YouTube and I'm just too lazy to look for...I even loved the theme song. So, here you go!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

California Diaries #2 Sunny

So I'm a dumb ho. It took me until just a few months ago to realize that I can sign up through my crappy library for online ordering, which means that I can place holds on books in any library in our system (which has something like 60 libraries), and I can do it without ever having to move from my bed or talk to a librarian and admit I'm reserving and ordering Baby-sitters Club books. Therefore, my blogging choices are pretty much unlimited; I just remember a book I loved as a child, place a hold online, and in a few days I get a little email telling me to get my ho ass to the library to come get it (I wish the email literally said that, it would make my day). So now I can finally work my way towards finishing the California Diaries - I'm dying to make fun of Ducky, and you know I love that ho Maggie.

I LOVE Sunny. It's kind of hard to snark on her because she does it herself, and she's also dealing with her pain in a very real way. She's not a dumb bitch like Dawn, that's for sure. Her life legitimately is suck-tastic and she has a lot of heavy shit to deal with that's way more traumatizing than having to go to a different school. Okay, so she's an avoider when it comes to her problems, but shit, I think we can cut her some slack. Too bad bitchface Dawn won't.

Sunny opens up her diary with her insomnia. Bitch needs some Simply Sleep. She can't sleep because her mom is back in the hospital with a cough, which means that the chemo and radiation have to be stopped until she gets better. Also, her dad divides his time between being with her mom and overseeing their bookstore, leaving no time for Sunny. All right, I can see this from both ways. The poor man has to be with his sick wife, that much Sunny doesn't fault him for. But she doesn't seem to understand that he needs to work to pay for what I'm sure are astronomical medical bills, as well as the normal bills. But then, from what I'd think Sunny's viewpoint is, one parent is not there due to sickness and she's scared and needs the other one to comfort her and he's not there, either - but it seems to her by choice. She's 13 and not old or mature enough to understand the adult responsibilities.

She talks about her friends. She doesn't understand why Dawn is such a little whiner about being in high school a year early because she thinks it's cool to be with the older kids. She says Jill makes her sick and she flashes her belly ring at her at school just to shock her. I love Sunny. Maggie used to be cool but now has become a perfectionist. She worries that her mom switching from wearing a wig to just wearing scarves on her head is a sign of her giving up. I can't imagine that feeling, and hope I never find out.

The next day Sunny cuts school during lunch to go visit her mom in the hospital. I'm pretty sure she didn't have to cut, if she told the principal she needed to leave and why he'd probably let her. Anyway, her mom looks awful. Sunny is leaving but sees her mom's doctor in the hall. She listens outside the door and finds out that her mom's lungs seem to be clearing up, however a new lump was found that will need to be tested. Sunny flees and heads back for school.

So in social studies or history or whatever her teacher calls on her and since she is writing in her journal she isn't paying attention. He asks her to stay after class and when she does asks her why she was late coming to class and why she can't focus. Sunny blurts out that her mom is dying of cancer and her teacher is shocked, saying he knew she was sick but not that it was that bad. Sunny immediately feels guilt because she doesn't want to use her mom as an excuse, and also I think because it's the first time she's admitted to herself that her mom could be dying. Sunny's a trooper, you know Dawn's ho ass probably told every teacher that Carol was pregnant just in case her water broke during English or something and she needed to use her lifesaving BSC skills or some shit. Sunny writes in her diary that she's sick of dealing with all the things that come with her mom's terminal illness and sometimes wishes her mom might just die so it would all end. She then feels horrible.

The next day Sunny is reading a Newsweek article about cancer in math class instead of paying attention, except this teacher sends her to the principal's office. The principal patronizes her and Sunny walks all over him. She goes back to class in time to get her books before the bell rings and the teacher tells her that she'd have an easier time if she paid attention and did her work. Duh. Actually, the teacher tries to tell her that math will be simpler and more predictible that way, and I call shenanigans! I'll show you my pages and pages of detailed notes and my perfect attendance record for stats class and I barely pulled a C. I don't get math at all. Sunny is upset and leaves the classroom to vent.

Ducky is waiting for her in the hall. At this point in the series they don't know each other very well, so she is shy about venting to him. She says that something about his expression makes her feel like he actually cares, unlike her teachers and principal, and she calmed right down. She also gives a description of his outfit choice, saying that most guys in the school wear flannel shirts and jeans and shit while Ducky was wearing a bowling shirt and green overdyed jeans. Instead of her gaydar going off, Sunny thinks this is cool. Dawn and Sunny start walking home and Sunny makes the mistake of telling her what happened in math class. Dawn gets all Elizabeth Wakefield judgmental on her and then tells her she needs meditation. Sunny starts laughing, and so do I. Dawn is pissed and starts spouting off some shit and Sunny and I both tune her out.

At home, Sunny decides to try meditation and clears her mind while getting the mail. However, the mail has a hospital bill, a letter from the insurance company, and a wig catalog, so the meditation goes out the door. Got any more suggestions, Dawn? There's a message on the answering machine from her father saying to call her at the store and that it's urgent and Sunny freaks out, thinking the worst. She calls and he puts her on hold, which I guess is a euphemism for their relationship right now. He comes back and tells her that her mom is coming home the next day and the lump was non-cancerous and that she should do a little grocery shopping so her mom can have some good food to eat when she comes home. Sunny does and when she returns her mom calls and reminds her that she was supposed to visit after school. Sunny forgot. Her mom then says that she had her dad leave something for her on her dresser and Sunny goes to look. It's a music box and her mom says that it's a family heirloom and she wants to pass it down to Sunny. Sunny is scared because she thinks this is something a person does before they die.

The next day Sunny wakes up and realizes she has no clothes because no one has done laundry in forever. Then she has a great idea - fuck school, it's Sunny Winslow's Day Off! Her swimsuits are all clean and she's heading to the beach. She figures that she'll just cut her morning classes and no one will even miss her. She heads for Venice Beach, which is farther away but has the less risk of running into anyone she knows. Once there, she has a great time but stays too long because she meets some surfer dude named Carson (he claims not to have a last name). Carson sucks. He's just a loser who calls himself a free spirit but what that really means is he can't commit to anything. You know the type. Sunny totally falls for his shit, but then again she is only 13, and we've all fallen for one of these hos at least once. He professes his love for Catcher in the Rye and I give my eyeballs an exercise with a massive rolling. Could he pick a more cliche book? He could've at least said Flowers in the Attic. That would win my respect. He puts on rollerblades and Sunny says she also has some and she can bring them next time and maybe they can blade together. He says whatever, which she interprets as friendly. Sunny, he blows. Even Ducky's probably gay ass is better than this ho.

Sunny makes it home before her dad and is relieved to see that no one from the school called about her absence. She is leaving her house again to go to the hospital to help bring her mom home when she runs into Dawn. Dawn tries to press her for details as to where she was all day but Sunny just blows her off and leaves. HAHAHAHA! She makes it to the hospital and her mom is sitting up and dressed in street clothes and looking much better, much to her relief. A few members of her mom's support group come in and surprise! They have a stretch limo waiting outside the hospital to take her home! That's so sweet! Sunny declines a ride and takes her bike home. She beats them there and makes a salad for her mom for dinner. However, her mom and the support group come in and order Chinese food. Her mom doesn't eat much but the support group eats like all the Chinese food and the salad. Pigs. There's not much left for Sunny to eat, and she's the forgotten one yet again.

The next day Sunny is working for her dad in his bookstore and she starts to read Carson's other favorite book, Kerouac's On The Road. Another cliche favorite book by a "free spirit." She is impatient to see him again and tell him how much she likes it. Sunny spends the rest of her day getting yelled at by her dad and then cutting out of there to go visit her mom at home, only to find out she's gone to a support group meeting. She finds a shoebox full of fugly jewelry that her mom placed on her dresser. Her dad comes home and yells at her for dinner not being prepared. Her mom then comes home and says that she's been trying to clean things up and is giving Sunny things she thinks she may like. Sunny interprets it more as a sort of will and inheritance thing rather than decluttering and tells her to knock it off. Her dad calls her ungrateful and a big fight ensues.

The next day, a Sunday, Sunny wants to apologize to her mom but not her dad. Unfortunately her mom is pretty much booked solid with visitors until the evening, so Sunny grabs her rollerblades and heads for Venice Beach, telling her parents she'll be at Maggie's. Once there, she reads, relaxes, and just takes some time out for herself. She doesn't see Carson there, and is disappointed, but decides to just chill instead and not worry about it. When she gets home her mom is resting and no one questions her whereabouts, so she got away with it.

However, during the night her mom wakes up and isn't feeling well. She asks Sunny's dad to read to her because it will help her go to sleep, and Sunny takes over for him when he starts to fall asleep. They end up having to take Sunny's mom back to the hospital because she's running a high fever. Sunny was late to school because of it and yelled at in nearly all of her classes for sleeping/not paying attention/not finishing her homework due to the lack of sleep from staying up all night reading to her mom. She gets sent to the principal's office again, where he makes sad panda faces at her some more for having a sick mom and doesn't fix anything. Where exactly is the school counselor and why is Sunny not being sent to him/her? This girl is obviously dealing with a lot and needs help. Upon leaving the office, she runs into Ducky, Dawn, and Maggie, who ask her why she was in there. Sunny says she's having a serious relationship with Principal Sad Panda Face. Hee! Maggie doesn't talk to her for the rest of the day and Sunny says bitch cannot take a joke. She's probably counting calories in her head, Sunny. Dawn just gives her weird looks, which I interpret as the Elizabeth Wakefield condescending judgmental looks we see on the cover of nearly every SVH book.

Sunny comes home from school to a message on her answering machine from her dad. Her mom has pneumonia and Sunny needs to bring her a bag of stuff. She does, and is deeply saddened by her mom's condition. When she comes home again her dad yells at her for the house being dirty, his laundry not being done, and there being no nuts or raisins in the house. Mr. Winslow really likes nuts and raisins, I guess.

Sunny cuts school the next day and goes to the beach. Are you surprised? She sees Carson there, and he basically dismisses her, but she follows him into a coffee shop anyway. He approves of her cutting school and says no one will notice. Carson sucks. Then he insults the coffee and dumps it on the floor. No, really! Sunny, impressionable youth the she is, laughs and does the same. Who does that? When I go to Taco Bell and I get a less than stellar Cheesy Gordita Crunch I don't toss it on the floor like my 17 month old nephew! Whatever, I hate this douche. They hang out for the rest of the afternoon and we find out that Carson is 17, a high school dropout (because school is useless and he's had plenty of jobs without a degree...bet that won't happen when you're 25 and don't have a diploma, buddy), and is from Cleveland but took off. Sunny tells him about her situation at home. She tries to make plans to see him again on Friday, but he says he doesn't like plans. SUNNY! HE SUCKS! He leaves and she ponders over her feelings for him.

The next entry, a week later, starts with a note Sunny forged from her mom's doctor excusing her from basically a week of school. Sunny has skipped a lot. She's chipper about it, though, because Carson's stank ass has been at the beach every time she's gone. She calls the beach her escape and says it helps her feel not so depressed.

At school, Ms. Krueger, the teacher whose house the party was at in Dawn's book, approaches Sunny and basically tells her that her forged note isn't fooling anyone and her absences have caught the attention of a lot more people than just Sunny's teachers. She also thinks that the special treatment should be over and done with. She tells Sunny she needs to be in school and that she can come to her any time if she needs anything. Again I ask, where is the school counselor? Ms. Krueger leaves and Sunny meets up with Ducky in the hall. She asks him for advice on Carson, and instead of telling her he sucks, he says he must like her if he's at the beach waiting for her every day, even if he won't tell her his last name. No, he's homeless, what the fuck else does he have to do but go to the beach? Sunny is so happy by this that she cuts school at lunch and goes to the beach. Carson The Suck is there and I swear it's less of him waiting for her and more of him sleeping under docks there. He finally tells her his last name and she's super happy by that. She thinks this means she trusts him fully. Oh, Sunny.

When she comes home, she's accosted by Dawn. Apparently Sunny's dad stopped by the school to pick her up because her mom is back in the hospital for tests and she was nowhere to be found and Dawn covered for her, saying she was on a late field trip. Well, she sort of was. Dawn notices Sunny's beach towel sticking out of her backpack and reams her for being at the beach while her mom is in the hospital. Sunny didn't know her mom was back in the hospital when she left for the beach, so shut up, Dawn. In the midst of Dawn's ranting and raving, Sunny notices her earrings. She asks Dawn where she got them and Dawn says that Sunny's mom gave them to her because maybe she's happy that someone cares about her, and then leaves. HATE. Sunny is super upset because she feels that with all the work she does in her dad's store and around the house and all the trips to the hospital she's being replaced by Dawn. What does Sunny do? Packs up some shit and runs away to Venice Beach, this time for good.

She doesn't find Carson immediately but when she does she tells him she's now a super cool runaway, just like him! He thinks this is awesome, because humans aren't meant to stay in one place and the notion that they are is only a few hundred years old or some shit. Yeah, they were nomadic because they needed to travel for FOOD, you dumbass! Now we have McDonald's and Jewels all over and we don't have to chase our fucking dinner, so we can stay in the same place! Sunny says now they can band together and Carson is all like, crazy hippie girl say what? He feels that the point of being a runaway is to be unattached, and he doesn't want any company. He gives her a poor little rich girl speech, telling her she doesn't have it so bad, and then walks the fuck out on her, leaving her to pay the bill at the coffee shop. Dick. She tries to go catch the bus home but misses the last one and the next won't be there until 5 AM.

Sunny tries to prepare herself for a scary night alone on the beach. She thinks a skeezy looking man is following her, and is terrified. Then she hears someone calling her name. It's Ducky, with his car. He says that her dad brought her mom home from the hospital and they found her runaway note and freaked out. Ducky remembered their talk about Carson Stupidface and drove out to Venice Beach to find Sunny. Sunny is relieved, and tells Ducky to take her home.

However, as soon as he drops her off, she heads for Dawn's house. Dawn is pissed, but relieved that Sunny's okay. Sunny asks if she can camp out there for the night because she doesn't want to face her parents yet. Dawn makes her call them first and tell them where she is. The next morning Dawn wakes her up super early to pump her for details. Bitch. She walks Sunny home, where she receives a teary welcome. Sunny comes clean to them - about why her mom giving away things upset her, about cutting school (but not about Carson), and her feelings of neglect. Her mom tells her things will get back to normal someday, but Sunny's not so sure. Her diary closes with her saying that happy endings are for fairy tales and that she is really scared, and wants to escape. Surf's up, Sunny!

A velvet hippie top, a corduroy thing (skirt? shorts? long shirt?), and white leggings. Sunny is a super hot dresser. Literally, it's fucking California and she's on the beach 90% of the book.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Go Ask Alice by Anonymous Stoned Ho (not really)

EDIT: The made-for-TV movie based off this book is on YouTube! YES!

I picked this gem off the library discard shelf in 7th grade, not knowing anything about it. It's a hardcover version with no dustjacket, just the title written on the spine, no blurbs about it or anything. Man, am I glad I did. I'm sure many of you have read it, and almost all of you at least know what it is, but for the few escaped Duggar children that read this or something that have no clue, I'll explain. Go Ask Alice is the "diary" of an "anonymous teenager" in the 70's that basically serves as an anti-drug PSA. DO DRUGS AND YOU'LL DIE! This book is the shit!

Not Yet Stoned Ho buys her diary and goes all angsty about some dude named Roger. She turns 15 shortly after, cries about putting on seven pounds, and then finds out she's moving. Then she gets happy, loses ten pounds, and gets asked out on dates. What. The next couple entries are devoted to her going on dumb dates and I don't care because nothing in the book is cool until she starts shooting up anyway.

So Not Yet Stoned Ho moves finally and finds it hard to adjust to her new school. She puts on fifteen pounds because I guess she's a stress eater. Finally she meets a Jewish girl down the street named Beth and they become BFF. After awhile Beth's parents tell her she's going to go to a Jewish summer camp for six weeks (I had a Hitler joke in there, but that's so inappropriate). Not Yet Stoned Ho acts like Beth is her fucking heroin or something and she needs her or else she'll die from the DT's and freaks the fuck out. Calm down, bitch. Beth leaves for her concentration camp (inappropriate!), and NYSH sadly goes off to spend some time with her grandparents in her old town.

NYSH is super bored in her old town when one of her old sort-of friends, Jill, invites her to a party. She accepts, and they say they're going to play a party game. Ooh, like pin the tale on the donkey? Nope, instead Jill spiked 10 out of 14 bottles of Coke with LSD without telling anyone and you get to see who trips balls! Thus, Not Yet Stoned Ho turns into Trippy Ho. I have to tell you, it doesn't sound very anti-drug PSA to me, it sounds pretty fucking cool. I'll take my Snapple with a shot of LSD, please! Trippy Ho says she's glad she got one of the spiked Cokes, but doesn't think she'll do it again.

...However, the next day, she goes out on a date with one of the guys from the party and lets him inject speed into her. Because obviously if you unwittingly take LSD once you automatically move onto to shooting up. The fuck? The next day her grandfather has a heart attack, so she spends a few weeks off drugs and helping them out. When she feels he's better, she decides to go to a party and take one last acid trip and guess what, loses her virginity. It all starts with one bottle of Coke, you heard it here first.

Trippy Ho is now worried that she's Pregnant Ho and slowly goes nuts about that, even to the point that when she goes home her mother takes her to the doctor and gets her tranquilizers. Beth escapes the concentration camp but is now ultra Jew and doesn't have much in common with Trippy Might Be Pregnant Ho any more. Period comes, not pregnant, hooray! She goes to a groovy new boutique and meets a new friend named Chris, who shows her how to iron her hair like a hippie. Trippy Not Pregnant Ho's parents sit her down and are all like, wtf, why are you a dirty hippie now? Some angsty entries concerning her parents and "The Establishment" ensue and I roll my eyes. I wish this book could be given the SVH treatment and be updated for this time, because you know she'd be locking herself in her room and carving into her arm while listening to My Chemical Romance or some shit. She finds out her old crush, Roger, is going to military school and is all sads about that and I don't care. Chris gives her some sort of upper and tells her to take it and listen to some groovy music. She takes it and feels wonderful but needs her tranquilizers to come back down. And so the cycle begins.

Some entries about how she needs to take "Bennys" and "Dexies" to survive school and home and tranquilizers to come down, so basically she's drugged out all the fucking time. Then she and Chris hang out with two guys named Ted and Richie and she smokes pot for the first time, and I don't know what the fuck she's smoking, but she has the dumbest experience ever. This is totally not written by a drug user AT ALL. Bitch didn't even have the munchies! I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Now since she's tried pot ONCE, she is of course a drug dealer. OF COURSE. And where does she deal? The local grade school. Yep, she's pushing acid to 9 and 10 year olds. Plus she's fucking Richie all the time and is a full blown multi drug user. Is this moving kind of fast for you? THAT'S HOW DRUGS ARE. You try pot once, the next day you're selling acid to a toddler!

Chris and Selling Acid To Toddlers Ho walk in on Ted and Richie screwing each other so they decide to book it and run away to San Francisco. Haight-Ashbury, anyone? They live in a hole in the wall apartment, but both manage to get glamorous boutique jobs after a bit. This book really isn't discouraging shit. They start going to parties at Chris's boss's place and start doing heroin there and realize that they're getting raped while on heroin. They leave their apartment and move onto the Berkeley area with hopes of starting their own boutique. I thought you needed inventory and shit for a boutique but whatever.

Well instead they rent an apartment and fix it up all groovy like and then charge kids to come in and watch their TV and hang out and shit, I guess. I don't know, it sounds pretty stupid to me, but these dumbass Berkeley hippies totally buy into it and they make a shitload of cash. But instead of living the high life they run away again - this time back to home.

Chris and Formerly Runaway Ho return home and to school. FRH is having a hard time because dudes won't leave her alone because they still think she's a dealer and they want to buy off her. Eventually she gives in and becomes friends with one of the dudes (wha?) and gets back on drugs. This book is confusing. The dude is busted by the cops, and then Chris and Back To Being A Druggie Ho are busted too.

Now Not A Druggie Ho is under extreme lockdown by her parents. No drugs, nothing. She's doing fine, but then someone gives her something at school and then next thing we know she's run away again, this time to Denver. If you do drugs, YOU WILL RUN AWAY FROM HOME EVERY TIME. TRUST. She's super sick with a cold, but is dropping acid like no one's business. Then she starts prostituting herself for drugs and says by far my favorite quote of the book, "Another day, another blow job." I think we all should say that upon arriving to work, school, etc. everyday. Too awesome. Eventually she gets in touch with a priest, who calls her parents, and they come and get her.

This time she stays good for a longer time than the last time. She's having trouble in school again, though, because the druggies don't believe she's clean and the clean kids think she's still a druggie. Then her grandfather has a stroke and dies. Surprisingly, she doesn't turn back to drugs again.

Clean Again Ho meets a dude named Joel and is all obsessed over him. The druggies at school are attacking her for reasons I cannot understand, like putting a joint in her purse, and a burning roach in her locker. Okay, no stoner in their right mind would waste their pot on anyone. That's just dumb. Druggies are greedy little bastards, watch an episode of Intervention. Those bitches will steal, lie, cheat, and whore themselves out for a little bit of drugs. They certainly wouldn't waste any. Lying sack of shit!

School ends, and Clean Again Ho accepts a baby-sitting job. The next entry is from a mental hospital. Clearly, she was sitting for the Pikes. One of the druggies, in an attempt to get her back on drugs, left some LSD laced chocolate-covered peanuts at the house, and she had a really bad trip from them, nearly clawing her face off in the process. Gross! So now she's in an insane asylum, because she thinks worms are eating her face. Ew! Eventually she finds God or some shit and is cured, because religion and saying no to drugs cure insanity, duh. She goes home.

For some reason now the druggies leave her alone. I don't know. She meets new non-druggie friends and is all in love with them and blah blah blah, and is doing well in school and at home. She ends with the decision not to keep another diary. We then get an epilogue saying that three weeks later her parents came home and found her dead, and it is unknown if it was an accidental or premeditated overdose.

Recap: drugs will make you lose your virginity, get raped, become a prostitute, run away (multiple times), sell to grade schoolers, become a target of bullying, and DIE! They will not make you fat.

Here's the latest cover:

"I am leering at you anonymously, waiting to slip LSD in your drink."