Congrats to Stacey and the Burning Sensation, the BSC book you guys all wanted to read. You guys are all sick fucks. What am I saying, I voted for that one, too. This month and a half-ish's poll is voting on who you think is the hottest man candy. Here are our nominees!
Jake Ryan: Sexy man of Sixteen Candles. Google "Jake Ryan syndrome," I'm convinced I have it. I'd still do him.
Bruce Patman: Rich. Wears a sweater tied around his shoulders. Drives a Porsche with the coolest vanity plate in the history of the world (even cooler than mine). Even more self-centered than Jessica.
Beau Andreas: Open up All That Glitters by V.C. Andrews and gaze upon that fine blonde piece of man. Yum! May leave you while you're pregnant for your twin.
Randy Zak: Still standing by my theory that Randy tucks one back.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Monday, July 20, 2009
Lifestories: Families in Crisis
Have you guys ever watched the show Lifestories: Families in Crisis on HBO Family? It's the best shit ever! It's all "true" stories about teens with problems, and at the end the real person it was based on comes out and gives their little PSA. They're all from the early 90's, so you know they're amazing. One time I saw one on a girl with anorexia (played, ironically, by a young Calista Flockhart) and it was the best shit ever. HBO Family seems to have sensed that, and has never played that episode again. Instead they've been playing the one about Brandon the drug addict and the two girls who go to the prom together over and over. The best thing about them is that they're on around the 3am area so there's tons of swearing and stuff in them. Get it together, HBO Family, and put together a little marathon! They're kind of like mini-Lifetime movies with even worse acting. I love them hardcore.
I have the best BSC book ever to do, but will have to wait until tomorrow, as I'm writing this while my nephew naps, and as soon as I start his ass will wake up.
EDIT: Found some videos on YouTube! I've posted links to them in the comments.
I have the best BSC book ever to do, but will have to wait until tomorrow, as I'm writing this while my nephew naps, and as soon as I start his ass will wake up.
EDIT: Found some videos on YouTube! I've posted links to them in the comments.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Worst blogger ever?
So my big posting bonanza turned into a family emergency bonanza, which then turned into a ton of finals bonanza, which turned into a boyfriend breaking up with me bonanza (he didn't appreciate the cinematic genius that is the BSC movie, so no big loss), which also turned into a I'm-loading-up-on-summer-classes-to-graduate-a-semester-early...now I'm done with all that shit and ready to get back into the swing of things.
My first order of business is putting up a new poll. I totes thought of the best one while doing my hair: The BSC Books That Never Were. Here are our nominees:
-Stacey and the Burning Sensation
-Dawn and the Big Mac Attack
-Claudia Meets Spellcheck
-Firecrotch Mallory
-Jessi Moves to Harlem
I'd totally read these bitches.
Also, big news! For a few years now I have been scouring thrift stores looking for the SVH board game and the two BSC ones. I am proud to announce that I found the last one I needed, The BSC Mystery Game, at Goodwill for 99 cents, and tackled some children to get to it. My trifecta is complete!
Now I just need someone to play with...
My first order of business is putting up a new poll. I totes thought of the best one while doing my hair: The BSC Books That Never Were. Here are our nominees:
-Stacey and the Burning Sensation
-Dawn and the Big Mac Attack
-Claudia Meets Spellcheck
-Firecrotch Mallory
-Jessi Moves to Harlem
I'd totally read these bitches.
Also, big news! For a few years now I have been scouring thrift stores looking for the SVH board game and the two BSC ones. I am proud to announce that I found the last one I needed, The BSC Mystery Game, at Goodwill for 99 cents, and tackled some children to get to it. My trifecta is complete!
Now I just need someone to play with...
Monday, March 9, 2009
Girl Talk #11 Mixed Feelings
So the first weekend of posting bonanza turned into a sleeping and watching Popular bonanza. It happens.
Now I'm at the bf's, armed with a bunch of books hidden at the bottom of my bag and ready to go!
As you all may know, I love Sabrina from Girl Talk. She's just so awesome. It was hard trying to decide between a Sabrina book, which I will love, or a Randy or Allison book, which I will love to make fun of. I thought this book was initially about Sabrina, because she's on the front cover rocking some red jazz shoes, but it's about Katie. I don't really have any feelings either way about Katie, so we'll see how this shit goes.
So Katie is in the locker room, getting ready for a hockey game. She has to change in the visitor's one because she's a girl. She hears some laughing and notices a hole in the wall. Instead of being pissed or disturbed, she laughs. The hell? I think I may like Katie more now, she's got major ho potential! She squirts some water in the hole to drench whoever the perv is, and then goes out onto the ice.
Apparently the perv was Scottie Silver, who, if memory serves me correctly, was the big crush in the book Face Off, where Katie initially joins the team. The coach announces there's a new player joining. Hey, it's Michel! I never read this particular book, but I know that bitch! He's a French Canadian (oui oui!), so he pretty much will smoke their asses at hockey. In fact, the coach says he's so awesome that he doesn't even need to try out. Katie thinks he's hot and probably wishes that he was the one spying on her. Michel kicks ass at practice, even though no one goes near him. Practice ends, and after changing Katie and the other guys get a chance to talk to Michel. Michel is surprised that Katie is a girl, since the other players call her K.C. on the ice. Um, Michel? Casey can be a girl's name, too. Kind of like Michelle. Katie gets ready for some sexual harassment, but it doesn't come. The coach tells them there's a big game coming up against the Minneapolis Mongols. I try to figure out whether that team name is PC or not.
Sabrina and Katie walk to Sabrina's house after practice. I don't know where Sabrina came from, but I'm glad she's here. Sabrina, of course, loves Michel and his French Canadian-ness. Katie doesn't say anything. She sucks. Michel catches up to them and walks with them. He says a lot of random French words, which kind of annoys me, since everything else he says is in English so obviously he can speak it. Pick a language, Michel! The random French words make Sabrina's panties all wet. Michel goes to his house, and Katie and Sabrina continue on to Sabrina's house. They run into Randy and Allison the bore, and Katie is surprised because she didn't know they would be there. Hmm, Katie mentioned her birthday being two weeks away in the beginning of the book and now Randy and Snore are showing up randomly to Sabrina's house. I predict a surprise party.
More secretive shit goes on that I don't care about, and Allison says she has to leave because it's her father's birthday. I don't care why, just go. Randy says goodbye to her using a mixture of Italian, English, and Spanish, and I'm pretty sure she did that just to get back at me for all those times I accused her of having a penis. Sam and his friends come in, which I love. Katie says something about Sam's friend Nick liking Sabrina, and that they went to Homecoming together. I'm confused. A junior high has Homecoming, and someone loves Sabrina almost as much as I do and I didn't know about it?!!? What book is this in? I must have it! The chapter ends with them eating dinner together and shit, and I don't care because I'm too preoccupied with Nick wanting Sabrina.
At school the next day, Randy asks Katie where Michel is because she hasn't seen him yet. She probably wants to boggle his mind with another unisex name...on a unisex person. Burn! Katie overhears Stacy talking about Michel and how she wants to jump his bones, and I get a little excited because I love good drama and Stacy always brings the drama. Katie says she can't believe that she used to hang out with Stacy. WTF, Girl Talk! Where is this shit? I find it hard to believe that a glamorous creature like Stacy would ever lower herself to hang out with a boring prep like Katie. I think Katie's making up this shit about Homecoming, Nick, and Stacy just to fuck with me.
In English class, Ms. Staats the palindrome calls on Sabrina so she can tell the class what she though of the ending to A Separate Peace. Didn't the guy die or something? I can't remember, I read that book in high school. Luckily, Michel comes in the room before Sabrina has to confess that she was too busy picking out a new neon outfit to have read it. Priorities, you know. Michel sits next to Katie and they talk a bit. I'm pretty sure that Michel wants Katie, Katie feels ambivalent towards him, and Sabrina wants Michel. Katie and Michel both has lunch next period, and Michel asks if he can sit with Katie. I can't jump on the Katie and Michel bandwagon, because I've read books after this. Although, I do love Cruel Intentions. There's some crap about Scottie seeming to be jealous of Michel and more crap about hiding the surprise party, and the chapter ends.
Has anyone had vegetarian bacon? Is it any good? I had a nasty flu a few months ago that has left me not able to even really look at meat. The thought of vegetarian bacon is interesting me more right now than this book.
Katie has a tough practice, and goes home. She notices that her mom has flowers in the house and is playing music, two things she hasn't done much of since Katie's father died. She goes into the kitchen and sees her mom looking super hot in a red dress and lipstick, and freshly highlighted and permed hair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it super bad to highlight and perm your hair at the same time? Whatever. Katie goes upstairs and discusses her new MILF with her sister, Emily. They're dumb and can't figure out why their mom is so happy and looks so good. Duh, she met a guy! There's some dumb dinner conversation, with Emily being a bitch, and then finally their mom says that she's having a "nice man" she met over for dinner Sunday. Told you.
Mongols game! Katie wakes up at the buttcrack of dawn and finds an early birthday present from her MILF on the kitchen table. It's the new hockey skates she wanted, complete with neon orange laces to match her uniform. Sexy! Katie heads for a nearby pond to get a little practice in before the game. Now I don't know about hockey skates, but I do know from watching Ice Princess that you have to break in brand new skates before competing in them. But this is Girl Talk, so Katie will magically not get her feet torn up. She sees Michel at the pond, and they talk about the game and Katie's upcoming birthday and stuff. Katie is happy to have Michel on the team because he's so awesome that they have a good chance at beating the Mongols. After awhile, Katie goes home and finds her mom cooking breakfast. Randy, Sabrina, and Boring are all coming over to have breakfast. Randy comes first and acts like she owns the place basically. Do men usually act like that? Katie says it took awhile for her mom to get used to Randy's dude-ness, but now she loves her. Is Randy the hot date? Randy is excited about breakfast, and MILF takes this as a sign that M sucks and gets too much takeout instead of cooking for her manly daughter. Probably.
Game time! At warm up before, Scottie is being a dick. He asks Katie if her "new frog friend" got her the new skates. French Canadians are frogs? Scottie's just being a jealous prick, and needs to calm the fuck down. He glares at her the whole time. The Mongols get on the ice, and they're huge. Their goalie has a monster face painted on his mask. I would've busted up laughing, but Katie thinks it's intimidating. Michel tells her good luck, and Scottie nearly busts a nut making menacing faces at them. The game is tough. Michel says Aaayyy a lot. I guess he's channeling the Fonz. Scottie hates Michel. Katie steals the puck from the Mongols and send it to Scottie, who makes a goal. After that, the Mongols are pissed at Katie, and one of them checks her. She falls face first and blacks out for awhile. She wakes up and they call the doctor. Katie has a split lip, a bruised cheek, and a bad cut on her chin that needs stitches. Scottie checks everyone in sight for touching his woman. Katie does not play the rest of the game, obviously, and after leaving the doctor's goes home and falls asleep. She wakes up late at night and realizes she doesn't know who won the game, but then just goes back to sleep.
The next morning Katie looks like shit, but gets up and gets the morning paper. Her team won the game, 2-1. Scottie got put in the penalty box for his behavior, but Michel saved the day. MILF tells Katie to take it easy for the rest of the day, and she and Emily leave after breakfast for church. Sabrina come over and tells Katie about the game and Scottie's shit and says she thinks Scottie likes Katie. No shit, Sherlock. Oh wait, it's Sabrina. I'm sorry, baby! I'll never be sarcastic to your neon spandex loving ass again! Man and Bore show up, and they watch one of Man's horror movies. MILF shows up out of nowhere and makes them popcorn. I wish my masses were that short!
At 4:30, Awesome, Man, and Bore leave. Katie remembers that this is the day that her mom is having a guy over for dinner. Her mom says if she doesn't feel well enough to eat dinner with them she can have it in her room. Katie takes this as her mom not caring about her. Shut up, Katie, don't talk to your MILF like that! MILF says that if Katie would like to join them she can put on a robe if regular clothes are too uncomfortable. MILF's got the right idea, pajamas all day! Katie goes upstairs and finds that Emily is in the bathroom starting a bath for her. That situation is kind of awkward.
After Katie gets out of her bath, the doorbell rings. She answers it and finds Michel. Michel says that he and his father were invited for dinner. He couldn't tell Katie that before? Dinner goes fine, I guess, even though Katie and Emily are kind of being cunts. Afterward Emily comes into Katie's room to talk. Katie just wants to sleep. Emily thinks it's too soon for her mom to start dating. I know their father died and all, which is very sad, but it's been three years, not three days. Katie still just wants to sleep. Emily finally gets the hint and leaves. Katie sleeps.
At school the next day, Katie gets pissed about all the secretive behavior between Awesome, Bore, and Man. At practice, the coach yells at Scottie for acting like a fool after Katie got hurt, and says it's a good thing Michel was there. That's about it.
Telephone talk: Michel calls Sabrina to talk about Katie and lets it slip that his dad is doing the MILF. Sabrina calls Bore, who answers the phone like a grandma, to talk about Michel. Bore calls Man to talk about the same shit. Sabrina calls Katie and tells her that Michel says he likes her (Sabrina). Katie acts like a bitch.
Katie's birthday. She claims MILF forgot her birthday, even though she already got the skates and MILF told her happy birthday. How did she forget then? Molly Ringwald you are not, Katie. Katie goes to the pond, and Bore finds her there. Bore brings Katie back to her house, and Katie is pissed when she sees that MILF's car is not in the driveway. She walks in and everyone yells SURPRISE!!!!! Oh, who called it? A member of her hockey team gives her a hockey jacket and Michel's dad gives her a new hockey stick. Scottie tells Katie he was jealous of Michel, they kiss, and he asks her out on a date. She accepts.
This book was misleading. The cover makes it look like Katie and Sabrina both have the hots for Michel. I was expecting some good fights, but got nothing!
Try as I might, I could not find a cover image for this online. My bf is at work, so I'll have to ask him if he has a scanner when he gets home. I hope he does, because Sabrina's red jazz shoes are hot and Michel looks hella gay.
Now I'm at the bf's, armed with a bunch of books hidden at the bottom of my bag and ready to go!
As you all may know, I love Sabrina from Girl Talk. She's just so awesome. It was hard trying to decide between a Sabrina book, which I will love, or a Randy or Allison book, which I will love to make fun of. I thought this book was initially about Sabrina, because she's on the front cover rocking some red jazz shoes, but it's about Katie. I don't really have any feelings either way about Katie, so we'll see how this shit goes.
So Katie is in the locker room, getting ready for a hockey game. She has to change in the visitor's one because she's a girl. She hears some laughing and notices a hole in the wall. Instead of being pissed or disturbed, she laughs. The hell? I think I may like Katie more now, she's got major ho potential! She squirts some water in the hole to drench whoever the perv is, and then goes out onto the ice.
Apparently the perv was Scottie Silver, who, if memory serves me correctly, was the big crush in the book Face Off, where Katie initially joins the team. The coach announces there's a new player joining. Hey, it's Michel! I never read this particular book, but I know that bitch! He's a French Canadian (oui oui!), so he pretty much will smoke their asses at hockey. In fact, the coach says he's so awesome that he doesn't even need to try out. Katie thinks he's hot and probably wishes that he was the one spying on her. Michel kicks ass at practice, even though no one goes near him. Practice ends, and after changing Katie and the other guys get a chance to talk to Michel. Michel is surprised that Katie is a girl, since the other players call her K.C. on the ice. Um, Michel? Casey can be a girl's name, too. Kind of like Michelle. Katie gets ready for some sexual harassment, but it doesn't come. The coach tells them there's a big game coming up against the Minneapolis Mongols. I try to figure out whether that team name is PC or not.
Sabrina and Katie walk to Sabrina's house after practice. I don't know where Sabrina came from, but I'm glad she's here. Sabrina, of course, loves Michel and his French Canadian-ness. Katie doesn't say anything. She sucks. Michel catches up to them and walks with them. He says a lot of random French words, which kind of annoys me, since everything else he says is in English so obviously he can speak it. Pick a language, Michel! The random French words make Sabrina's panties all wet. Michel goes to his house, and Katie and Sabrina continue on to Sabrina's house. They run into Randy and Allison the bore, and Katie is surprised because she didn't know they would be there. Hmm, Katie mentioned her birthday being two weeks away in the beginning of the book and now Randy and Snore are showing up randomly to Sabrina's house. I predict a surprise party.
More secretive shit goes on that I don't care about, and Allison says she has to leave because it's her father's birthday. I don't care why, just go. Randy says goodbye to her using a mixture of Italian, English, and Spanish, and I'm pretty sure she did that just to get back at me for all those times I accused her of having a penis. Sam and his friends come in, which I love. Katie says something about Sam's friend Nick liking Sabrina, and that they went to Homecoming together. I'm confused. A junior high has Homecoming, and someone loves Sabrina almost as much as I do and I didn't know about it?!!? What book is this in? I must have it! The chapter ends with them eating dinner together and shit, and I don't care because I'm too preoccupied with Nick wanting Sabrina.
At school the next day, Randy asks Katie where Michel is because she hasn't seen him yet. She probably wants to boggle his mind with another unisex name...on a unisex person. Burn! Katie overhears Stacy talking about Michel and how she wants to jump his bones, and I get a little excited because I love good drama and Stacy always brings the drama. Katie says she can't believe that she used to hang out with Stacy. WTF, Girl Talk! Where is this shit? I find it hard to believe that a glamorous creature like Stacy would ever lower herself to hang out with a boring prep like Katie. I think Katie's making up this shit about Homecoming, Nick, and Stacy just to fuck with me.
In English class, Ms. Staats the palindrome calls on Sabrina so she can tell the class what she though of the ending to A Separate Peace. Didn't the guy die or something? I can't remember, I read that book in high school. Luckily, Michel comes in the room before Sabrina has to confess that she was too busy picking out a new neon outfit to have read it. Priorities, you know. Michel sits next to Katie and they talk a bit. I'm pretty sure that Michel wants Katie, Katie feels ambivalent towards him, and Sabrina wants Michel. Katie and Michel both has lunch next period, and Michel asks if he can sit with Katie. I can't jump on the Katie and Michel bandwagon, because I've read books after this. Although, I do love Cruel Intentions. There's some crap about Scottie seeming to be jealous of Michel and more crap about hiding the surprise party, and the chapter ends.
Has anyone had vegetarian bacon? Is it any good? I had a nasty flu a few months ago that has left me not able to even really look at meat. The thought of vegetarian bacon is interesting me more right now than this book.
Katie has a tough practice, and goes home. She notices that her mom has flowers in the house and is playing music, two things she hasn't done much of since Katie's father died. She goes into the kitchen and sees her mom looking super hot in a red dress and lipstick, and freshly highlighted and permed hair. Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it super bad to highlight and perm your hair at the same time? Whatever. Katie goes upstairs and discusses her new MILF with her sister, Emily. They're dumb and can't figure out why their mom is so happy and looks so good. Duh, she met a guy! There's some dumb dinner conversation, with Emily being a bitch, and then finally their mom says that she's having a "nice man" she met over for dinner Sunday. Told you.
Mongols game! Katie wakes up at the buttcrack of dawn and finds an early birthday present from her MILF on the kitchen table. It's the new hockey skates she wanted, complete with neon orange laces to match her uniform. Sexy! Katie heads for a nearby pond to get a little practice in before the game. Now I don't know about hockey skates, but I do know from watching Ice Princess that you have to break in brand new skates before competing in them. But this is Girl Talk, so Katie will magically not get her feet torn up. She sees Michel at the pond, and they talk about the game and Katie's upcoming birthday and stuff. Katie is happy to have Michel on the team because he's so awesome that they have a good chance at beating the Mongols. After awhile, Katie goes home and finds her mom cooking breakfast. Randy, Sabrina, and Boring are all coming over to have breakfast. Randy comes first and acts like she owns the place basically. Do men usually act like that? Katie says it took awhile for her mom to get used to Randy's dude-ness, but now she loves her. Is Randy the hot date? Randy is excited about breakfast, and MILF takes this as a sign that M sucks and gets too much takeout instead of cooking for her manly daughter. Probably.
Game time! At warm up before, Scottie is being a dick. He asks Katie if her "new frog friend" got her the new skates. French Canadians are frogs? Scottie's just being a jealous prick, and needs to calm the fuck down. He glares at her the whole time. The Mongols get on the ice, and they're huge. Their goalie has a monster face painted on his mask. I would've busted up laughing, but Katie thinks it's intimidating. Michel tells her good luck, and Scottie nearly busts a nut making menacing faces at them. The game is tough. Michel says Aaayyy a lot. I guess he's channeling the Fonz. Scottie hates Michel. Katie steals the puck from the Mongols and send it to Scottie, who makes a goal. After that, the Mongols are pissed at Katie, and one of them checks her. She falls face first and blacks out for awhile. She wakes up and they call the doctor. Katie has a split lip, a bruised cheek, and a bad cut on her chin that needs stitches. Scottie checks everyone in sight for touching his woman. Katie does not play the rest of the game, obviously, and after leaving the doctor's goes home and falls asleep. She wakes up late at night and realizes she doesn't know who won the game, but then just goes back to sleep.
The next morning Katie looks like shit, but gets up and gets the morning paper. Her team won the game, 2-1. Scottie got put in the penalty box for his behavior, but Michel saved the day. MILF tells Katie to take it easy for the rest of the day, and she and Emily leave after breakfast for church. Sabrina come over and tells Katie about the game and Scottie's shit and says she thinks Scottie likes Katie. No shit, Sherlock. Oh wait, it's Sabrina. I'm sorry, baby! I'll never be sarcastic to your neon spandex loving ass again! Man and Bore show up, and they watch one of Man's horror movies. MILF shows up out of nowhere and makes them popcorn. I wish my masses were that short!
At 4:30, Awesome, Man, and Bore leave. Katie remembers that this is the day that her mom is having a guy over for dinner. Her mom says if she doesn't feel well enough to eat dinner with them she can have it in her room. Katie takes this as her mom not caring about her. Shut up, Katie, don't talk to your MILF like that! MILF says that if Katie would like to join them she can put on a robe if regular clothes are too uncomfortable. MILF's got the right idea, pajamas all day! Katie goes upstairs and finds that Emily is in the bathroom starting a bath for her. That situation is kind of awkward.
After Katie gets out of her bath, the doorbell rings. She answers it and finds Michel. Michel says that he and his father were invited for dinner. He couldn't tell Katie that before? Dinner goes fine, I guess, even though Katie and Emily are kind of being cunts. Afterward Emily comes into Katie's room to talk. Katie just wants to sleep. Emily thinks it's too soon for her mom to start dating. I know their father died and all, which is very sad, but it's been three years, not three days. Katie still just wants to sleep. Emily finally gets the hint and leaves. Katie sleeps.
At school the next day, Katie gets pissed about all the secretive behavior between Awesome, Bore, and Man. At practice, the coach yells at Scottie for acting like a fool after Katie got hurt, and says it's a good thing Michel was there. That's about it.
Telephone talk: Michel calls Sabrina to talk about Katie and lets it slip that his dad is doing the MILF. Sabrina calls Bore, who answers the phone like a grandma, to talk about Michel. Bore calls Man to talk about the same shit. Sabrina calls Katie and tells her that Michel says he likes her (Sabrina). Katie acts like a bitch.
Katie's birthday. She claims MILF forgot her birthday, even though she already got the skates and MILF told her happy birthday. How did she forget then? Molly Ringwald you are not, Katie. Katie goes to the pond, and Bore finds her there. Bore brings Katie back to her house, and Katie is pissed when she sees that MILF's car is not in the driveway. She walks in and everyone yells SURPRISE!!!!! Oh, who called it? A member of her hockey team gives her a hockey jacket and Michel's dad gives her a new hockey stick. Scottie tells Katie he was jealous of Michel, they kiss, and he asks her out on a date. She accepts.
This book was misleading. The cover makes it look like Katie and Sabrina both have the hots for Michel. I was expecting some good fights, but got nothing!
Try as I might, I could not find a cover image for this online. My bf is at work, so I'll have to ask him if he has a scanner when he gets home. I hope he does, because Sabrina's red jazz shoes are hot and Michel looks hella gay.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
I suck.
I swear to God I have a good excuse for not posting in forevs. I am now in my first semester of my senior year in college, and this bitch is no joke. I'm so swamped with my Research Methods in Psychology class that I barely have time to sleep. But, enough of the pity party.
Arrested Development's favorite holiday, Spring Break (eyes up here, Michael), is next week. Because I've been such a shitty blogger to you all you hos who still check in here, I'm going to do a posting bonanza. That's right, there will finally be new posts! I won't let you down this time, I swear.
So get ready, because tomorrow is my last day of school! Let me know if you guys have any requests, and I'll see what I can do.
Arrested Development's favorite holiday, Spring Break (eyes up here, Michael), is next week. Because I've been such a shitty blogger to you all you hos who still check in here, I'm going to do a posting bonanza. That's right, there will finally be new posts! I won't let you down this time, I swear.
So get ready, because tomorrow is my last day of school! Let me know if you guys have any requests, and I'll see what I can do.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
BSC Little Sister #100 Karen's Book
EDIT: Pics are up! Warning: they are not for the faint of heart.
I know, I know. I haven't updated yet. I just started a brand new school and I was too busy being lost and having to park 10 blocks away. You know, usual stuff.
Anyway, I found this book in my bathroom, which is appropriate because it is hella shitty. I've read quite a few Little Sisters in my time, and I have to say this is the worst. Seriously, the ghostwriter just checked out on this one. Oh, and the illustrator. These pictures are so awful, you cannot even comprehend their sheer hideousness. I may have to scan all of them!
The book starts out with Karen blowing bubbles in her milk and spilling and making a mess. Hate! Nannie helps her clean up, and doesn't use contractions in stating so. It's page 1 and I'm already mega pissed. This is going to be a good entry! Emily tries to blow milk bubbles, but ends up choking instead. Perhaps Claudia can teach her that in her next lesson. Everyone eventually leaves Karen to avoid murder charges from choking her to death...or to run errands and do other shit...and she's left alone. What's an annoying ADHD kid to do? Oh, go through the dreaded Chapter 2? I'm gigundoly pissed now.
Fuck Chapter 2.
Karen decides to re-read some of the Little House books (love that shit), and then gets an amazing idea. She is going to write her own life story! She runs downstairs and bothers Watson in his home office so she can get her baby book. Fun story: I was looking at my friend's baby book in high school, and her parents wrote down that she took her first poop. Who does that? Karen's book just consists of normal shit, like her family tree and stuff. She finally leaves her father alone and heads up to her room to start writing the epic novel of our time. Or a piece of shit that I will make fun of, either one.
Karen starts out her story with lies, first saying it was a dark and stormy night when she was born, and then starting over and saying it was the most beautiful spring day ever. Karen puts the hyper in hyperbole. I can shorten her crappy birth story up for you, you know, make it less painful. Basically, Lisa and Watson are walking around and looking at garage sales. They see a rocking chair they want, but while trying to decide to buy it, Lisa starts going into labor. After she comes home from the hospital with the spawn of Satan, they find the rocking chair on their porch, with a note from the guy who previously owned saying some crap about they deserve it or some other shit that I don't care about. Oh yeah, and they named the spawn of Satan Karen because it means pure, and when they looked at her they felt pure joy. Ha, wait until that bitch learns to talk.
Karen grows up a little, and in a few short years, trashes the rocking chair. Dumb bitch. Then her parents tell her they are expecting another baby. Karen's pissed. The little shit even tries to destroy the cake her grandma makes for Andrew when he's ready to come home. Then she cries and acts like a bitch when her mom comes home and sits in the rocking chair with baby Andrew. She has to hand Andrew off and rock Karen instead. I should feel sorry for them, but Watson could've sold her on the black market at any time. A few days later, Andrew starts crying and doesn't stop. While the adults are trying to figure out what is wrong with him, Karen makes faces at him and he stops. That is a total rip-off of Jessi's story about Squirt, but makes zero sense. It's been a few years since I took Developmental Psych, but I'm pretty sure a baby that's a few days old won't recognize a funny face as something humorous. Oh wait, this is Karen. Maybe she's just lying again. Little shit.
Little Shit goes to preschool, and doesn't want Lisa to leave. Hannie comes up and takes her hand and they play together. Little Shit forgets all about being scared and becomes BFF with Hannie.
Karen's parents get divorced, and there's seriously one sentence devoted to that. Did Lisa and Watson just say, "Hey, let's get divorced!" "Okay, that sounds good!" Honestly, no fighting or drama or anything. Karen is sad to leave Hannie, and tries to keep their friendship up over the phone, meaning she tries to have a tea party with Hannie over the phone. Goddamn I hate her. Hannie has to hang up, so Karen continues her tea party outside by herself. Suddenly she notices a girl next door laughing at her. The girl is Nancy, of course, and Karen invites her over to the tea party. There's some dumb shit about them trying to guess each other's names, and Lisa cockblocks it by calling Karen to lunch. I laugh. Nancy and Karen become BFFs.
Next chapter just consists of Karen telling the story about how she forgets everything when she goes back and forth from Watson's to Lisa's and has to rip ber blanket in half and have her parents indulge her and buy her Moosie. I pretty much want to rip my eyes out at this point in the book.
Lisa decides she wants some bookshelves built in her house, and calls a carpenter. That carpenter is Seth. Seth starts coming around a lot to build more shit, which is code for fucking Lisa, and they decide to get married. For some reason, Lisa has her hideous daughter in the wedding as a flower girl. Seth probably decided after meeting Karen that he didn't want any kids. I would.
Here's the next four chapters for you: Karen meets Kristy for the first time, Elizabeth and Watson get married and Karen is the flower girl, Karen is convinced that Mrs. Porter is Morbidda Destiny, and Karen is skipped into Ms. Colman's class (her old teacher probably just wanted to get rid of her).
It took Karen all weekend to write her shitty book, and she makes her family listen to it. They do, and praise her for some reason. Karen is proud, and Nannie offers ice cream, chocolates, and cookies to everyone. Karen is a little pig and takes everything. Yeah, like that kid needs more sugar. Nannie should spike Karen's desserts with Ny-Quil next time.
Pics coming tomorrow when I'm not lazy! Trust me, they're worth the wait.
First of all, this picture is impossible, because Karen could not be holding a book with a picture of the picture she is posing for. Plus I'm surprised the camera didn't break, because she is hella fug.
Emily is a smeary mess, and Karen looks as if she might not have the brain cells to operate milk bubbles.
Do I even need to say anything? These pics are awful!
I'd cry harder if that fug thing was looming above me.
I wish I could live in Scribbleland!
"Oh, NOW I remember why we decided to adopt instead!"
I know, I know. I haven't updated yet. I just started a brand new school and I was too busy being lost and having to park 10 blocks away. You know, usual stuff.
Anyway, I found this book in my bathroom, which is appropriate because it is hella shitty. I've read quite a few Little Sisters in my time, and I have to say this is the worst. Seriously, the ghostwriter just checked out on this one. Oh, and the illustrator. These pictures are so awful, you cannot even comprehend their sheer hideousness. I may have to scan all of them!
The book starts out with Karen blowing bubbles in her milk and spilling and making a mess. Hate! Nannie helps her clean up, and doesn't use contractions in stating so. It's page 1 and I'm already mega pissed. This is going to be a good entry! Emily tries to blow milk bubbles, but ends up choking instead. Perhaps Claudia can teach her that in her next lesson. Everyone eventually leaves Karen to avoid murder charges from choking her to death...or to run errands and do other shit...and she's left alone. What's an annoying ADHD kid to do? Oh, go through the dreaded Chapter 2? I'm gigundoly pissed now.
Fuck Chapter 2.
Karen decides to re-read some of the Little House books (love that shit), and then gets an amazing idea. She is going to write her own life story! She runs downstairs and bothers Watson in his home office so she can get her baby book. Fun story: I was looking at my friend's baby book in high school, and her parents wrote down that she took her first poop. Who does that? Karen's book just consists of normal shit, like her family tree and stuff. She finally leaves her father alone and heads up to her room to start writing the epic novel of our time. Or a piece of shit that I will make fun of, either one.
Karen starts out her story with lies, first saying it was a dark and stormy night when she was born, and then starting over and saying it was the most beautiful spring day ever. Karen puts the hyper in hyperbole. I can shorten her crappy birth story up for you, you know, make it less painful. Basically, Lisa and Watson are walking around and looking at garage sales. They see a rocking chair they want, but while trying to decide to buy it, Lisa starts going into labor. After she comes home from the hospital with the spawn of Satan, they find the rocking chair on their porch, with a note from the guy who previously owned saying some crap about they deserve it or some other shit that I don't care about. Oh yeah, and they named the spawn of Satan Karen because it means pure, and when they looked at her they felt pure joy. Ha, wait until that bitch learns to talk.
Karen grows up a little, and in a few short years, trashes the rocking chair. Dumb bitch. Then her parents tell her they are expecting another baby. Karen's pissed. The little shit even tries to destroy the cake her grandma makes for Andrew when he's ready to come home. Then she cries and acts like a bitch when her mom comes home and sits in the rocking chair with baby Andrew. She has to hand Andrew off and rock Karen instead. I should feel sorry for them, but Watson could've sold her on the black market at any time. A few days later, Andrew starts crying and doesn't stop. While the adults are trying to figure out what is wrong with him, Karen makes faces at him and he stops. That is a total rip-off of Jessi's story about Squirt, but makes zero sense. It's been a few years since I took Developmental Psych, but I'm pretty sure a baby that's a few days old won't recognize a funny face as something humorous. Oh wait, this is Karen. Maybe she's just lying again. Little shit.
Little Shit goes to preschool, and doesn't want Lisa to leave. Hannie comes up and takes her hand and they play together. Little Shit forgets all about being scared and becomes BFF with Hannie.
Karen's parents get divorced, and there's seriously one sentence devoted to that. Did Lisa and Watson just say, "Hey, let's get divorced!" "Okay, that sounds good!" Honestly, no fighting or drama or anything. Karen is sad to leave Hannie, and tries to keep their friendship up over the phone, meaning she tries to have a tea party with Hannie over the phone. Goddamn I hate her. Hannie has to hang up, so Karen continues her tea party outside by herself. Suddenly she notices a girl next door laughing at her. The girl is Nancy, of course, and Karen invites her over to the tea party. There's some dumb shit about them trying to guess each other's names, and Lisa cockblocks it by calling Karen to lunch. I laugh. Nancy and Karen become BFFs.
Next chapter just consists of Karen telling the story about how she forgets everything when she goes back and forth from Watson's to Lisa's and has to rip ber blanket in half and have her parents indulge her and buy her Moosie. I pretty much want to rip my eyes out at this point in the book.
Lisa decides she wants some bookshelves built in her house, and calls a carpenter. That carpenter is Seth. Seth starts coming around a lot to build more shit, which is code for fucking Lisa, and they decide to get married. For some reason, Lisa has her hideous daughter in the wedding as a flower girl. Seth probably decided after meeting Karen that he didn't want any kids. I would.
Here's the next four chapters for you: Karen meets Kristy for the first time, Elizabeth and Watson get married and Karen is the flower girl, Karen is convinced that Mrs. Porter is Morbidda Destiny, and Karen is skipped into Ms. Colman's class (her old teacher probably just wanted to get rid of her).
It took Karen all weekend to write her shitty book, and she makes her family listen to it. They do, and praise her for some reason. Karen is proud, and Nannie offers ice cream, chocolates, and cookies to everyone. Karen is a little pig and takes everything. Yeah, like that kid needs more sugar. Nannie should spike Karen's desserts with Ny-Quil next time.
Pics coming tomorrow when I'm not lazy! Trust me, they're worth the wait.
First of all, this picture is impossible, because Karen could not be holding a book with a picture of the picture she is posing for. Plus I'm surprised the camera didn't break, because she is hella fug.
Emily is a smeary mess, and Karen looks as if she might not have the brain cells to operate milk bubbles.
Do I even need to say anything? These pics are awful!
I'd cry harder if that fug thing was looming above me.
I wish I could live in Scribbleland!
"Oh, NOW I remember why we decided to adopt instead!"
Monday, August 18, 2008
I'm back, bitches.
It's true! And I have a tan! I haven't had one of those since I was about 8 or so! It's very exciting for me.
Camp was great and all, nothing like Camp Mohawk, of course, but then what in BSC history is like real life?
On one of my few days off, I went thrifting and came across the Sweet Valley High board game. You know I bought that shit. It was highly exciting for me, and it still makes me happy to gaze upon it sitting in my room in all it's glory. All I need now is the regular BSC game (I had 2 sets when I was little, but both had all the pieces lost and are long gone) and the BSC mystery game (never had it). Fingers crossed!
Posting should start again soon, for all you who emailed me during the summer salivating at the mouth for new posts. Okay, so it was like 3 people, but try to let me feel a little good about myself. I feel a little out of the loop, so please leave suggestions on what you'd like to see here.
Now I'm off to find the book I'd like to review next!
Camp was great and all, nothing like Camp Mohawk, of course, but then what in BSC history is like real life?
On one of my few days off, I went thrifting and came across the Sweet Valley High board game. You know I bought that shit. It was highly exciting for me, and it still makes me happy to gaze upon it sitting in my room in all it's glory. All I need now is the regular BSC game (I had 2 sets when I was little, but both had all the pieces lost and are long gone) and the BSC mystery game (never had it). Fingers crossed!
Posting should start again soon, for all you who emailed me during the summer salivating at the mouth for new posts. Okay, so it was like 3 people, but try to let me feel a little good about myself. I feel a little out of the loop, so please leave suggestions on what you'd like to see here.
Now I'm off to find the book I'd like to review next!
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Just like Mohawk Jo!
Well guys, it looks like I'll be on a summer hiatus. I got off my lazy butt and got a job working at the summer camp I went to when I was younger. Not only that, but I'm head female counselor there! I'm only not there right now because I have a wedding to go to. Pretty much my next day off will be the beginning of July. But don't you worry, I'm still spreading the joy of YA 80's books around; I suggested we read excerpts from SVH books on our story hike. Nice.
Now if I could only figure out how to stop making inappropriate comments...
Now if I could only figure out how to stop making inappropriate comments...
Monday, May 5, 2008
California Diaries #1 Dawn
EDIT: Okay, I've been working on this for a week now because of a combination of finals and re-discovering my My So-Called Life DVDs. I took my last final this morning (and watched the last episode of MSCL this afternoon), so I might as well finish this now!
Yes! I finally located a library with the California Diaries books! They're missing two, but we'll handle that when the time comes. I was so excited to find these, you seriously have no idea. Well, you probably do have an idea, since I've gotten numerous requests for these. Trust me, I wanted them as much as you guys did.
I LOVE the California Diaries. They're so much more real and relatable than BSC. I never got to the point in the BSC where Dawn became the environment Nazi, so it was a shock for me to read these and find out that a character that I had actually liked before in the BSC series could be such a hypocritical judgmental bitch. I don't like any of the Dawn books and I want to smack her 99% of the time, so this recap should be quite sarcastic and angry.
First entry consists of Dawn describing how crowded her school was and how much she hates it because it's distracting and stuff. Shove it, ho. Then Dawn further pisses me off by not approving of how Sunny is handling her mom's cancer. Look, ass, you can't say what she would do because you've never been in that situation. Man, I'm already pissed off, and I'm only on the fourth page!
Second entry is kind of a short BSC Chapter 2. It doesn't ramble on about stupid little details about all her friends or mention that Jessi's black, so it's pretty good.
Dawn and Sunny meet Maggie at her place to walk to school together. Maggie's all upset because she didn't study for her math quiz enough and she thinks she might not get an A. Maggie also doesn't have green hair or a rat tail any more, so I'm sad. They get to school and see the fourth member of the old We Love Kids club, Jill. Apparently Jill isn't emo enough to get her own book, so the writers had to turn her into a huge dork who is wearing a unicorn sweatshirt and pink sneakers with unicorn tails hanging off of them. That outfit is so hot I cannot even picture it clearly in my mind. Jill needs to go listen to Fall Out Boy and buy some black eyeliner so she can get her own book and I can read more about the awesome contents of her closet.
Dawn bitches some more about the school being overcrowded. Apparently a lot of kids switch to this school in eighth grade because the high school is so good. Don't let them in then? I'm assuming this is a private school. My high school was a private school, and all eighth graders have to take an entrance exam to get in. They had so many kids wanting to come in my freshmen year (the sports teams are phenomenal, as are the academics) that they had a waiting list that went by entrance exam scores. They also didn't accept transfer students unless you had just moved to the area. Guess what? My school was full, but not overcrowded. Logic works! Dawn complains some more about the hallways being crowded, and she and Sunny shout "Rulers!" at each other, because as eighth graders they are the rulers of the junior high. Dawn wonders why the high school seniors don't shout that, too. Because they're not stupid and immature!
The next day or something there is an announcement over the loudspeaker that the high school and the eighth grade are going to have an assembly. Dawn wonder what is going on, because the junior high and high schools never have assemblies together. Let's see, the eighth grade is overcrowded, Dawn is happy to be a ruler of the junior high, and she clearly loves to bitch. I think we all know where this is going. Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill head over to the assembly. Dawn tries to act like Jill isn't with them because, as she snottily puts it, Jill is actually wearing a sweatshirt with crayons on the front and thinks she looks cute. I seem to remember some pretty fug stuff that Claudia would wear, but she was considered to be a huge fashionista. I guess Connecticut Dawn was more accepting of others than California Dawn. Oh, and shut up, Dawn. Anyone who wore DIY off the shoulder sweatshirts, a sweat-skirt, and crimped hair to impress a hick's hick cousin has no room to talk.
Assembly announcement: the eighth grade is moving to the high school building. Duh. Dawn complains. Duh squared (love you, Rayanne!). The next like 5 pages all consist of Dawn bitching about the move. Calm the fuck down, it's not that cool to be rulers of the junior high anyway. Maggie echos my thoughts and says that they're just moving to a different building, not a different school, and she'll be happy to not be so jam packed. I love Maggie.
At home, Dawn is coddled my Mrs. Bruen, their housekeeper. Mrs. Bruen brings her peppermint tea to soothe her. I hope there's arsenic in it. At dinner, Dawn's dad announces that he'll be leaving for a business trip soon and will be gone for ten days. Dawn throws a fit because he will be gone the day she moves into the high school building, and she wanted him there for moral support. What was he going to do, come to school with her and hold her hand? I bet Dawn's dad wishes she stayed in Connecticut. After dinner Dawn decides she needs to ask Carol about something she heard about Sunny's mom. She wants to know what the word sterile means. Couldn't she figure it out? She asks Carol, and I wish Carol had said that sterile was what she wished Dawn's dad had been so Dawn's whiny ass wouldn't be around, but instead she just laughs. Dawn gets pissed and looks it up in the dictionary. Why couldn't she have done that in the first place?
Dawn thinks about her friends, and how everything seems to be changing. Except Jill, who still acts like a baby. Dawn is tired of acting excited over Jill's teddy bear collection. Dawn Rochelle's frizzy ass hair should attack Dawn Schafer's teddy bear hating face! Also, WTF is up with Jill suddenly being a baby? I remember she was all bikini-ed out and shit in Dawn On the Coast, and now all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that she's this huge kindergartner? I think Dawn's making it all up. Ho.
Dawn is in study hall on her first day of being in the high school building. She doesn't know anyone, and she's all weirded out by these two older kids making out. Dawn sucks and all, but that would weird me out, too. Holy shit, then she says hell! That's right, HELL! I love the California Diaries! Anyway, Maggie and Sunny are worried about hazing. Hazing is so fucking stupid, seriously. Big deal, so some kids' moms got knocked up later than others'. Doesn't make you any better than them. Our high school "hazing" consisted of one thing: yelling "Go home, freshmen!" at assemblies. Harmless. Oh well, back to the book. Vista's hazing consists of "lipsticking," which is writing an 8 on the 8th grader's foreheads (um, wipe it off?), being given wrong directions (pool on the roof?), and generally being inferior to XP. Oh, sorry, I just have some Windows Vista hate built up.
Dawn insists on going with Carol to the airport to see her dad off. She acts like it's some big-ass deal and shit and that she has to force Carol to let her go. I'm not buying it, and shut up, Dawn.
Dawn accidentally tries to open up the wrong locker the next day at school, and the bitchface who owns the locker, Mandy, is a total ho about it. Anyone can make that mistake, come on. She has to check to see if Dawn stole anything, even though Dawn didn't even get the locker open because she didn't have the right combination. Nothing was stolen, but Dawn had kicked the locker when she couldn't get it open and it caused a mirror in there to break. Mandy acts all ass-facey about it. Just go get another one at the Dollar Tree, no need to be a huge bitch about it. Dawn offers to pay her back and reaches in her purse to give her some money for it. A stuffed puppy falls out with a little first-grade note from her "puppy-pal" Jill attached to the tail. Mandy makes fun of Dawn, and from then on calls her Puppy-Pal whenever she sees her. BFD, a stuffed animal. There are tons of way better stuff to make fun of Dawn for, like the time she was in love with mullet-y Travis.
Dawn picks a fight with Carol. Carol tells her to do her homework, and instead of telling her that with the school switch they haven't really gotten any, Dawn flips out and accuses Carol of picking on her. You know, no one will replace Dawn's mom, I get that. But Carol seems really cool, fun, and easy-going. Dawn should lay off and be happy that she doesn't have a V.C. Andrews-like stepmother.
Carol and Mrs. Bruen take Jeff out shopping for clothes and leave Dawn at home to write in her journal and sulk. Mary Anne calls Dawn, and Dawn writes that she misses her Stoneybrook friends, but not as much as she thought she would. Well, she was only there for a year or so (according to the books, more like 15 years in real life), whereas she's known her California friends since she was little, so I can see how she'd miss the California friends a little more. Carol, Jeff, and Mrs. Bruen come back, and apparently Jeff is as much of a little snot as his older sister because all they bought was a pair of socks or something. Dawn said one time Jeff left his journal out and she read it and it was filled with stuff about how much he hated her. I knew I liked Jeff. Of course, since he is 10, he didn't use any contractions. What age are you able to use them? This is dumb. Dawn thinks back to her conversation with Mary Anne earlier. Mary Anne of course asked about the We Love Kids Club, because babysitting is her life. Apparently the We Love Kids Club is pretty much no more, because they don't really feel like babysitting any more. Except for Jill, who is totally lame and loves it because then she can trade Barbies with the kids. Maybe I made the Barbie part up. Dawn thinks Jill is lame because Jill's idea of hanging out is baking cookies and making popcorn. Dawn is hella lame if her idea of fun doesn't include delicious cookies or popcorn.
At school all the cool 8th graders get invitations to a kegger stuck in their locker. Well, all the cool kids and Jill. Dawn actually has the nerve to ask if the party is for cool kids then why did Jill get invited. Why did YOU get invited, Dawn? I thought Dawn was supposed to be a hippie and shit. Shouldn't she be a little more kind towards her fellow man? Jill says she isn't going, and because she is immature, she doesn't use contractions. Words cannot express my hate. Maggie, Sunny, and Dawn are going to go, so Jill decides she might come, but she's not sure if she should make cookies or fudge to bring. Jill, the only baked goods that would be acceptable at a high school party are some brownies, and I'm pretty sure you don't have all the special ingredients. Dawn snottily tells her they'll talk about it later.
Dawn actually has an honest moment, because she writes an entry about how she's not a very good person all the time. Duh. Then again, who can be perfect all the time? We all think mean thoughts about other people, like how today in my math final I wished my teacher would button his shirt higher because his hairy chest was making me want to throw up my Luna bar and Sunny D. Actually, if people could hear my thoughts I probably would have zero friends, but lots of boyfriends. Yeah, I'm a gross bitch.
Dawn accidentally picks up the phone and hears Carol's doctor tell her that her EPT was correct and that she is pregnant. Dawn says that EPT stands for Early Pregnancy Test, but I thought it stood for Error-Proof Test or the thank-God-it's-negative test. How can she know that shit but not know what sterile means? Dawn confesses to Carol later that she overheard, and is kind of pissed that Carol's not mad about it. Dawn just loves to start shit with Carol, I swear. Carol is kind of in shock, and asks Dawn to keep it a secret until her dad gets home, because she wanted him to be the first to know and wants to be the one to tell him. Dawn says okay, and I can't help but think she'll find some way to fuck this simple request up.
Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill hang out in Dawn's room the day of the party and try to decide whether or not to go. Jill acts like a baby and lacks the use of contractions. She wants to have an old-fashioned good old days sleepover. Nothing wrong with that. The other girls decide they can all go to the mall and then go to Jill's. Jill is happy.
At the mall, Sunny wants to get some more piercings, either in her ears or her belly button. Dawn tells her no. What place in the mall pierces belly buttons, and what place ever would pierce a 13 year old without a parent present? I was 20 when I got my belly button pierced, and I had to go to a tattoo parlor and show my ID. Dumb! Maggie says she needs to go to the pet store to get some supplies, and Jill is happy because she can play with the kittens there. That would make me mega happy, too, but Sunny rolls her eyes. Dawn pulls her aside and tells her to stop doing that shit and be nice to Jill. Fucking hypocrite, like you're nice to her? Jill nearly pisses her pants at the sight of a store called Bear Necessities, where she buys teddy bear stickers and barrettes and a plastic pony perfume bottle. Jill is totally going to be one of those 45 year old women you see hanging out in Build-A-Bear, buying stuff for themselves. They go to lunch, and Sunny randomly starts crying about her mom. Poor Sunny. Then she runs off afterwards and gets her belly button pierced. In the mall. A 13 year old. With no parent present. I am not buying it! Dawn is pissed, because apparently she's the mommy now. Hahaha, I bet Dawn totally wears mom jeans.
Carol drives Sunny and Dawn over to Jill's. Dawn apparently knows all about pregnancy symptoms, because she's wondering why Carol doesn't have morning sickness and shit. They go to Jill's, and wait for Maggie and the pizza guy to arrive. Maggie arrvies in her limo and the pizza guy is impressed. Dawn informs us that Maggie thinks the limo is pretentious. Yes, she can use the word pretentious, but doesn't know what sterile means.
Jill has decorated her room in pink and white streamers and balloons. Of course, this means she is a baby. If I had some streamers and balloons I'd decorate my room right now. I'm so over this book. She also only has Disney movies, and doesn't understand when the other girls are not interested. Disney movies can be fun. My roommate and I used to watch Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid in our dorm. These girls need to stop acting so snotty, or bring their own damn movies if they're going to be picky. Basically everything Jill does is baby-ish and horrible. She suggests playing Cootie, prank calling people, and makeovers. All except for Cootie sound like normal 13 year old sleepover things to do. I don't know when makeovers became babyish, but Sunny is disgusted at the thought of them. Jill finally gets fed up with the shit and starts crying because she doesn't know what else to do. Poor Jill.
Jill's mom and sister leave for a few hours, and Sunny decides that now is the time to go to the high school party. Jill refuses because she's scared of getting caught, so the other snots leave her. Assholes! Except for Maggie. I love that little rich ano. Oh, and Sunny's cool, too. And Dawn...is an asshole.
The party is a typical high school kegger. The girls get drinks, and Maggie and Dawn slowly take sips of theirs. Dawn spits hers right out and declares it disgusting. Sunny, however, totally chugs her cup. I love her. It totally sounds like they're drinking Boone's, too. You know you're getting high class wine when it comes in a multitude of bright colors and costs only $1.98 at Wal-Mart. Boone's rocks. The girls meet up with Amalia, whom none of them know really well. I kind of don't like Amalia. Sunny is totally drunk off of her cup of Boone's, and wants to go get some more. Sunny knows how to have a good time! Sunny returns later and is hardcore drunk. Fun fact: Sunny talks like Sean Connery when she's drunk!
Dawn immediately goes into full on mommy mode. Um, if you didn't want her to drink then why weren't you watching her? And why did you even go to the party in the first place? Sunny is a little Boone's'd out, and starts to puke in the bushes. Just then the ho Mandy whose locker Dawn accidentally tried to open comes by and starts laughing. Apparently 8th graders were invited to the party as a part of hazing so that they'd drink a lot and get sick. Doesn't everyone drink a lot and get sick at high school parties? I never went to any because I was never invited and I live in the middle of nowhere so I wasn't close enough to crash the houses that the parties were at. This party is dumb, and I really want some Blue Hawaiian.
Sunny continues to puke and shit, and feels all gross. Honestly, what did she think would happen when she drank so much? She lays down on the front step of the house the party is at. Suddenly the older kids start grabbing the younger ones and throwing them in the pool. I don't get it. Dawn tries to get out and accidentally ends up pulling Mandy in the pool. Sweet! She eventually gets out, but Maggie refuses to. She says she's wearing a really thin t-shirt and no bra. Hot! I bet if Maggie got out she'd become one of the most popular girls in school. Maggie's crush Justin shows up as she is getting out and totally gets a hard on. He doesn't even pretend to be looking somewhere else. It doesn't take a psychic to know that the only thing that is going through his head is "BOOBS!" Dawn stands there in her jean jacket and doesn't even bother to offer it to poor Maggie. They head back to the porch to get Sunny and leave. Sunny still feels sick. Maggie argues with her and Dawn notices that all the upperclassmen are heading out. Then she hears sirens. This would be your cue to run, Dawn. And they actually do!
They meet Amalia out on the street behind the house, and they're all confused on where to go. Just then a car pulls up with a familiar looking guy driving. He offers to take them home, and just then Sunny realizes that her wallet was left back at the party. She freaks out, and the guy, who is Ducky, calms her down. He drives them all back to Amalia's and Jill's, and tells Sunny he'll pick her up tomorrow and take her back to the party house to find her wallet. I could never decide if Ducky wanted Sunny or men. Let me know what you guys think in the comments.
The girls, who are back at Jill's house way after her mother and sister were due home, throw pebbles at Jill's window to wake her up. Jill opens the window to find Sunny puking on the lawn. Nice. She totally covered for them with her mom, which was pretty cool. Of course, instead of being happy, Dawn is just disgusted by Jill's footie pajamas. Footie pajamas are fucking awesome, bitch, and don't you forget it! They tell her the party story, and Jill is pissed when she finds out Sunny lost her wallet because she thinks that somehow her mom might find out and her cover will be blown. Dawn snottily tells her that it's not all about her, even though when Sunny initially found out about her missing wallet Dawn yelled at her for the exact same thing. Sunny falls into a drunken sleep on Jill's bed, and Jill realizes that Sunny was sick from all the $1.98 Blue Hawaiian. She gets pissed that Sunny's on her bed, especially since she's all pukey, and Dawn is a ho about it. I'd be mad, too, if my friends all left me and I had to lie for them and then one came back drunk and stole my bed. They could've at least brought back a bottle of Melon Ball for her. Nothing says love and class like a bottle of Boone's.
Jill's sister and mom wake them all up the next morning at 8 am. Who the fuck wakes up a sleepover party at 8 am? Sunny is hungover, and Maggie and Dawn are just tired.
Ducky picks up Sunny and Dawn. Dawn gets all disgusted by his piece of shit car. What's your car like, Dawn? Oh that's right, you don't have one, so shut the fuck up. They go to the house and start looking. Just then, the front door opens and a woman comes out holding Sunny's neon (!) pink wallet. Turns out the big prank with the party was that it was held at a teacher's house while the teacher was away for the weekend. Ruh-roh! Ms. Krueger, the teacher, says that she'll talk to them at school to decide their punishment. Ducky takes Dawn and Sunny home, and they all worry.
Dawn calls up Jill and they go to the mall together. Jill is all sad, even at Bear Necessities. Dawn acts like a decent human being for once and apologizes to her. Then she tells her about Carol's pregnancy. Why, I do not know. She makes Jill swear not to tell anyone, not even her My Little Pony collection. Lickity Split is a total blabbermouth.
At school there's an announcement that all of the high school will have an assembly the next day, most likely about the party. Ms. Krueger also says she wants to see Ducky, Sunny, and Dawn in her office the next day. Dawn asks her friends if they want to come over, and they're all busy except for Jill, who is eager to bake cookies with Mrs. Bruen. They get there and Carol comes in, carrying a fax machine. Jill tells her she shouldn't be carrying heavy things in her condition. Carol says the thought she could trust Dawn and then leaves. Dawn turns on Jill and bitches her out and makes her cry. It's your fault, Dawn! You shouldn't have told anyone! Own up to YOUR mistake!
Lecture time! Ms. Krueger basically tells them how stupid and dangerous it was to be walking around to and from the party at night. She knows they were all tricked, and says that she's not going to punish them at this time, but if she ever hears about any other trouble from them in the future, she'll totally smoke their asses.
At the assembly, the students are informed that any upperclassmen seen hazing will be suspended and any student who gets into any trouble such as drinking, trespassing, or defacing property will also be suspended. All of the classes will be using their class funds to repay Ms. Krueger for the damages, and the freshmen and junior classes are still a little short, so any upcoming fundraisers will also go to her. Because of that, the freshmen and juniors will have their class trips cancelled because they won't have any money left. That'll show them!
Justin passes Maggie in the hall and totally checks out her rack again. Mandy the bitch comes up to Dawn and asks if she found her wallet. Apparently Mandy tried to plant Dawn's wallet at the party to get her in trouble, but had a few too many bottles of Strawberry Hill and stole Sunny's wallet instead.
The book ends with Dawn bitching about Carol not telling her dad about her pregnancy, Mandy being an assface, and Jill being more into Care Bears than Boone's. She decides to put together a group a people to raise money and go plant flowers and clean up at Ms. Krueger's. She says she knows the kids will like that. Probably not. Dawn apologizes to Jill, who apologizes back for letting the pregnancy secret slip. Even though the air is kind of cleared between them, Dawn says she's not sorry enough to work things out with Jill. And on that bitchy note, the book is over!
Is that Dawn after Sunny puked some Blue Hawaiian up on her? I wish.
Yes! I finally located a library with the California Diaries books! They're missing two, but we'll handle that when the time comes. I was so excited to find these, you seriously have no idea. Well, you probably do have an idea, since I've gotten numerous requests for these. Trust me, I wanted them as much as you guys did.
I LOVE the California Diaries. They're so much more real and relatable than BSC. I never got to the point in the BSC where Dawn became the environment Nazi, so it was a shock for me to read these and find out that a character that I had actually liked before in the BSC series could be such a hypocritical judgmental bitch. I don't like any of the Dawn books and I want to smack her 99% of the time, so this recap should be quite sarcastic and angry.
First entry consists of Dawn describing how crowded her school was and how much she hates it because it's distracting and stuff. Shove it, ho. Then Dawn further pisses me off by not approving of how Sunny is handling her mom's cancer. Look, ass, you can't say what she would do because you've never been in that situation. Man, I'm already pissed off, and I'm only on the fourth page!
Second entry is kind of a short BSC Chapter 2. It doesn't ramble on about stupid little details about all her friends or mention that Jessi's black, so it's pretty good.
Dawn and Sunny meet Maggie at her place to walk to school together. Maggie's all upset because she didn't study for her math quiz enough and she thinks she might not get an A. Maggie also doesn't have green hair or a rat tail any more, so I'm sad. They get to school and see the fourth member of the old We Love Kids club, Jill. Apparently Jill isn't emo enough to get her own book, so the writers had to turn her into a huge dork who is wearing a unicorn sweatshirt and pink sneakers with unicorn tails hanging off of them. That outfit is so hot I cannot even picture it clearly in my mind. Jill needs to go listen to Fall Out Boy and buy some black eyeliner so she can get her own book and I can read more about the awesome contents of her closet.
Dawn bitches some more about the school being overcrowded. Apparently a lot of kids switch to this school in eighth grade because the high school is so good. Don't let them in then? I'm assuming this is a private school. My high school was a private school, and all eighth graders have to take an entrance exam to get in. They had so many kids wanting to come in my freshmen year (the sports teams are phenomenal, as are the academics) that they had a waiting list that went by entrance exam scores. They also didn't accept transfer students unless you had just moved to the area. Guess what? My school was full, but not overcrowded. Logic works! Dawn complains some more about the hallways being crowded, and she and Sunny shout "Rulers!" at each other, because as eighth graders they are the rulers of the junior high. Dawn wonders why the high school seniors don't shout that, too. Because they're not stupid and immature!
The next day or something there is an announcement over the loudspeaker that the high school and the eighth grade are going to have an assembly. Dawn wonder what is going on, because the junior high and high schools never have assemblies together. Let's see, the eighth grade is overcrowded, Dawn is happy to be a ruler of the junior high, and she clearly loves to bitch. I think we all know where this is going. Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill head over to the assembly. Dawn tries to act like Jill isn't with them because, as she snottily puts it, Jill is actually wearing a sweatshirt with crayons on the front and thinks she looks cute. I seem to remember some pretty fug stuff that Claudia would wear, but she was considered to be a huge fashionista. I guess Connecticut Dawn was more accepting of others than California Dawn. Oh, and shut up, Dawn. Anyone who wore DIY off the shoulder sweatshirts, a sweat-skirt, and crimped hair to impress a hick's hick cousin has no room to talk.
Assembly announcement: the eighth grade is moving to the high school building. Duh. Dawn complains. Duh squared (love you, Rayanne!). The next like 5 pages all consist of Dawn bitching about the move. Calm the fuck down, it's not that cool to be rulers of the junior high anyway. Maggie echos my thoughts and says that they're just moving to a different building, not a different school, and she'll be happy to not be so jam packed. I love Maggie.
At home, Dawn is coddled my Mrs. Bruen, their housekeeper. Mrs. Bruen brings her peppermint tea to soothe her. I hope there's arsenic in it. At dinner, Dawn's dad announces that he'll be leaving for a business trip soon and will be gone for ten days. Dawn throws a fit because he will be gone the day she moves into the high school building, and she wanted him there for moral support. What was he going to do, come to school with her and hold her hand? I bet Dawn's dad wishes she stayed in Connecticut. After dinner Dawn decides she needs to ask Carol about something she heard about Sunny's mom. She wants to know what the word sterile means. Couldn't she figure it out? She asks Carol, and I wish Carol had said that sterile was what she wished Dawn's dad had been so Dawn's whiny ass wouldn't be around, but instead she just laughs. Dawn gets pissed and looks it up in the dictionary. Why couldn't she have done that in the first place?
Dawn thinks about her friends, and how everything seems to be changing. Except Jill, who still acts like a baby. Dawn is tired of acting excited over Jill's teddy bear collection. Dawn Rochelle's frizzy ass hair should attack Dawn Schafer's teddy bear hating face! Also, WTF is up with Jill suddenly being a baby? I remember she was all bikini-ed out and shit in Dawn On the Coast, and now all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that she's this huge kindergartner? I think Dawn's making it all up. Ho.
Dawn is in study hall on her first day of being in the high school building. She doesn't know anyone, and she's all weirded out by these two older kids making out. Dawn sucks and all, but that would weird me out, too. Holy shit, then she says hell! That's right, HELL! I love the California Diaries! Anyway, Maggie and Sunny are worried about hazing. Hazing is so fucking stupid, seriously. Big deal, so some kids' moms got knocked up later than others'. Doesn't make you any better than them. Our high school "hazing" consisted of one thing: yelling "Go home, freshmen!" at assemblies. Harmless. Oh well, back to the book. Vista's hazing consists of "lipsticking," which is writing an 8 on the 8th grader's foreheads (um, wipe it off?), being given wrong directions (pool on the roof?), and generally being inferior to XP. Oh, sorry, I just have some Windows Vista hate built up.
Dawn insists on going with Carol to the airport to see her dad off. She acts like it's some big-ass deal and shit and that she has to force Carol to let her go. I'm not buying it, and shut up, Dawn.
Dawn accidentally tries to open up the wrong locker the next day at school, and the bitchface who owns the locker, Mandy, is a total ho about it. Anyone can make that mistake, come on. She has to check to see if Dawn stole anything, even though Dawn didn't even get the locker open because she didn't have the right combination. Nothing was stolen, but Dawn had kicked the locker when she couldn't get it open and it caused a mirror in there to break. Mandy acts all ass-facey about it. Just go get another one at the Dollar Tree, no need to be a huge bitch about it. Dawn offers to pay her back and reaches in her purse to give her some money for it. A stuffed puppy falls out with a little first-grade note from her "puppy-pal" Jill attached to the tail. Mandy makes fun of Dawn, and from then on calls her Puppy-Pal whenever she sees her. BFD, a stuffed animal. There are tons of way better stuff to make fun of Dawn for, like the time she was in love with mullet-y Travis.
Dawn picks a fight with Carol. Carol tells her to do her homework, and instead of telling her that with the school switch they haven't really gotten any, Dawn flips out and accuses Carol of picking on her. You know, no one will replace Dawn's mom, I get that. But Carol seems really cool, fun, and easy-going. Dawn should lay off and be happy that she doesn't have a V.C. Andrews-like stepmother.
Carol and Mrs. Bruen take Jeff out shopping for clothes and leave Dawn at home to write in her journal and sulk. Mary Anne calls Dawn, and Dawn writes that she misses her Stoneybrook friends, but not as much as she thought she would. Well, she was only there for a year or so (according to the books, more like 15 years in real life), whereas she's known her California friends since she was little, so I can see how she'd miss the California friends a little more. Carol, Jeff, and Mrs. Bruen come back, and apparently Jeff is as much of a little snot as his older sister because all they bought was a pair of socks or something. Dawn said one time Jeff left his journal out and she read it and it was filled with stuff about how much he hated her. I knew I liked Jeff. Of course, since he is 10, he didn't use any contractions. What age are you able to use them? This is dumb. Dawn thinks back to her conversation with Mary Anne earlier. Mary Anne of course asked about the We Love Kids Club, because babysitting is her life. Apparently the We Love Kids Club is pretty much no more, because they don't really feel like babysitting any more. Except for Jill, who is totally lame and loves it because then she can trade Barbies with the kids. Maybe I made the Barbie part up. Dawn thinks Jill is lame because Jill's idea of hanging out is baking cookies and making popcorn. Dawn is hella lame if her idea of fun doesn't include delicious cookies or popcorn.
At school all the cool 8th graders get invitations to a kegger stuck in their locker. Well, all the cool kids and Jill. Dawn actually has the nerve to ask if the party is for cool kids then why did Jill get invited. Why did YOU get invited, Dawn? I thought Dawn was supposed to be a hippie and shit. Shouldn't she be a little more kind towards her fellow man? Jill says she isn't going, and because she is immature, she doesn't use contractions. Words cannot express my hate. Maggie, Sunny, and Dawn are going to go, so Jill decides she might come, but she's not sure if she should make cookies or fudge to bring. Jill, the only baked goods that would be acceptable at a high school party are some brownies, and I'm pretty sure you don't have all the special ingredients. Dawn snottily tells her they'll talk about it later.
Dawn actually has an honest moment, because she writes an entry about how she's not a very good person all the time. Duh. Then again, who can be perfect all the time? We all think mean thoughts about other people, like how today in my math final I wished my teacher would button his shirt higher because his hairy chest was making me want to throw up my Luna bar and Sunny D. Actually, if people could hear my thoughts I probably would have zero friends, but lots of boyfriends. Yeah, I'm a gross bitch.
Dawn accidentally picks up the phone and hears Carol's doctor tell her that her EPT was correct and that she is pregnant. Dawn says that EPT stands for Early Pregnancy Test, but I thought it stood for Error-Proof Test or the thank-God-it's-negative test. How can she know that shit but not know what sterile means? Dawn confesses to Carol later that she overheard, and is kind of pissed that Carol's not mad about it. Dawn just loves to start shit with Carol, I swear. Carol is kind of in shock, and asks Dawn to keep it a secret until her dad gets home, because she wanted him to be the first to know and wants to be the one to tell him. Dawn says okay, and I can't help but think she'll find some way to fuck this simple request up.
Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill hang out in Dawn's room the day of the party and try to decide whether or not to go. Jill acts like a baby and lacks the use of contractions. She wants to have an old-fashioned good old days sleepover. Nothing wrong with that. The other girls decide they can all go to the mall and then go to Jill's. Jill is happy.
At the mall, Sunny wants to get some more piercings, either in her ears or her belly button. Dawn tells her no. What place in the mall pierces belly buttons, and what place ever would pierce a 13 year old without a parent present? I was 20 when I got my belly button pierced, and I had to go to a tattoo parlor and show my ID. Dumb! Maggie says she needs to go to the pet store to get some supplies, and Jill is happy because she can play with the kittens there. That would make me mega happy, too, but Sunny rolls her eyes. Dawn pulls her aside and tells her to stop doing that shit and be nice to Jill. Fucking hypocrite, like you're nice to her? Jill nearly pisses her pants at the sight of a store called Bear Necessities, where she buys teddy bear stickers and barrettes and a plastic pony perfume bottle. Jill is totally going to be one of those 45 year old women you see hanging out in Build-A-Bear, buying stuff for themselves. They go to lunch, and Sunny randomly starts crying about her mom. Poor Sunny. Then she runs off afterwards and gets her belly button pierced. In the mall. A 13 year old. With no parent present. I am not buying it! Dawn is pissed, because apparently she's the mommy now. Hahaha, I bet Dawn totally wears mom jeans.
Carol drives Sunny and Dawn over to Jill's. Dawn apparently knows all about pregnancy symptoms, because she's wondering why Carol doesn't have morning sickness and shit. They go to Jill's, and wait for Maggie and the pizza guy to arrive. Maggie arrvies in her limo and the pizza guy is impressed. Dawn informs us that Maggie thinks the limo is pretentious. Yes, she can use the word pretentious, but doesn't know what sterile means.
Jill has decorated her room in pink and white streamers and balloons. Of course, this means she is a baby. If I had some streamers and balloons I'd decorate my room right now. I'm so over this book. She also only has Disney movies, and doesn't understand when the other girls are not interested. Disney movies can be fun. My roommate and I used to watch Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid in our dorm. These girls need to stop acting so snotty, or bring their own damn movies if they're going to be picky. Basically everything Jill does is baby-ish and horrible. She suggests playing Cootie, prank calling people, and makeovers. All except for Cootie sound like normal 13 year old sleepover things to do. I don't know when makeovers became babyish, but Sunny is disgusted at the thought of them. Jill finally gets fed up with the shit and starts crying because she doesn't know what else to do. Poor Jill.
Jill's mom and sister leave for a few hours, and Sunny decides that now is the time to go to the high school party. Jill refuses because she's scared of getting caught, so the other snots leave her. Assholes! Except for Maggie. I love that little rich ano. Oh, and Sunny's cool, too. And Dawn...is an asshole.
The party is a typical high school kegger. The girls get drinks, and Maggie and Dawn slowly take sips of theirs. Dawn spits hers right out and declares it disgusting. Sunny, however, totally chugs her cup. I love her. It totally sounds like they're drinking Boone's, too. You know you're getting high class wine when it comes in a multitude of bright colors and costs only $1.98 at Wal-Mart. Boone's rocks. The girls meet up with Amalia, whom none of them know really well. I kind of don't like Amalia. Sunny is totally drunk off of her cup of Boone's, and wants to go get some more. Sunny knows how to have a good time! Sunny returns later and is hardcore drunk. Fun fact: Sunny talks like Sean Connery when she's drunk!
Dawn immediately goes into full on mommy mode. Um, if you didn't want her to drink then why weren't you watching her? And why did you even go to the party in the first place? Sunny is a little Boone's'd out, and starts to puke in the bushes. Just then the ho Mandy whose locker Dawn accidentally tried to open comes by and starts laughing. Apparently 8th graders were invited to the party as a part of hazing so that they'd drink a lot and get sick. Doesn't everyone drink a lot and get sick at high school parties? I never went to any because I was never invited and I live in the middle of nowhere so I wasn't close enough to crash the houses that the parties were at. This party is dumb, and I really want some Blue Hawaiian.
Sunny continues to puke and shit, and feels all gross. Honestly, what did she think would happen when she drank so much? She lays down on the front step of the house the party is at. Suddenly the older kids start grabbing the younger ones and throwing them in the pool. I don't get it. Dawn tries to get out and accidentally ends up pulling Mandy in the pool. Sweet! She eventually gets out, but Maggie refuses to. She says she's wearing a really thin t-shirt and no bra. Hot! I bet if Maggie got out she'd become one of the most popular girls in school. Maggie's crush Justin shows up as she is getting out and totally gets a hard on. He doesn't even pretend to be looking somewhere else. It doesn't take a psychic to know that the only thing that is going through his head is "BOOBS!" Dawn stands there in her jean jacket and doesn't even bother to offer it to poor Maggie. They head back to the porch to get Sunny and leave. Sunny still feels sick. Maggie argues with her and Dawn notices that all the upperclassmen are heading out. Then she hears sirens. This would be your cue to run, Dawn. And they actually do!
They meet Amalia out on the street behind the house, and they're all confused on where to go. Just then a car pulls up with a familiar looking guy driving. He offers to take them home, and just then Sunny realizes that her wallet was left back at the party. She freaks out, and the guy, who is Ducky, calms her down. He drives them all back to Amalia's and Jill's, and tells Sunny he'll pick her up tomorrow and take her back to the party house to find her wallet. I could never decide if Ducky wanted Sunny or men. Let me know what you guys think in the comments.
The girls, who are back at Jill's house way after her mother and sister were due home, throw pebbles at Jill's window to wake her up. Jill opens the window to find Sunny puking on the lawn. Nice. She totally covered for them with her mom, which was pretty cool. Of course, instead of being happy, Dawn is just disgusted by Jill's footie pajamas. Footie pajamas are fucking awesome, bitch, and don't you forget it! They tell her the party story, and Jill is pissed when she finds out Sunny lost her wallet because she thinks that somehow her mom might find out and her cover will be blown. Dawn snottily tells her that it's not all about her, even though when Sunny initially found out about her missing wallet Dawn yelled at her for the exact same thing. Sunny falls into a drunken sleep on Jill's bed, and Jill realizes that Sunny was sick from all the $1.98 Blue Hawaiian. She gets pissed that Sunny's on her bed, especially since she's all pukey, and Dawn is a ho about it. I'd be mad, too, if my friends all left me and I had to lie for them and then one came back drunk and stole my bed. They could've at least brought back a bottle of Melon Ball for her. Nothing says love and class like a bottle of Boone's.
Jill's sister and mom wake them all up the next morning at 8 am. Who the fuck wakes up a sleepover party at 8 am? Sunny is hungover, and Maggie and Dawn are just tired.
Ducky picks up Sunny and Dawn. Dawn gets all disgusted by his piece of shit car. What's your car like, Dawn? Oh that's right, you don't have one, so shut the fuck up. They go to the house and start looking. Just then, the front door opens and a woman comes out holding Sunny's neon (!) pink wallet. Turns out the big prank with the party was that it was held at a teacher's house while the teacher was away for the weekend. Ruh-roh! Ms. Krueger, the teacher, says that she'll talk to them at school to decide their punishment. Ducky takes Dawn and Sunny home, and they all worry.
Dawn calls up Jill and they go to the mall together. Jill is all sad, even at Bear Necessities. Dawn acts like a decent human being for once and apologizes to her. Then she tells her about Carol's pregnancy. Why, I do not know. She makes Jill swear not to tell anyone, not even her My Little Pony collection. Lickity Split is a total blabbermouth.
At school there's an announcement that all of the high school will have an assembly the next day, most likely about the party. Ms. Krueger also says she wants to see Ducky, Sunny, and Dawn in her office the next day. Dawn asks her friends if they want to come over, and they're all busy except for Jill, who is eager to bake cookies with Mrs. Bruen. They get there and Carol comes in, carrying a fax machine. Jill tells her she shouldn't be carrying heavy things in her condition. Carol says the thought she could trust Dawn and then leaves. Dawn turns on Jill and bitches her out and makes her cry. It's your fault, Dawn! You shouldn't have told anyone! Own up to YOUR mistake!
Lecture time! Ms. Krueger basically tells them how stupid and dangerous it was to be walking around to and from the party at night. She knows they were all tricked, and says that she's not going to punish them at this time, but if she ever hears about any other trouble from them in the future, she'll totally smoke their asses.
At the assembly, the students are informed that any upperclassmen seen hazing will be suspended and any student who gets into any trouble such as drinking, trespassing, or defacing property will also be suspended. All of the classes will be using their class funds to repay Ms. Krueger for the damages, and the freshmen and junior classes are still a little short, so any upcoming fundraisers will also go to her. Because of that, the freshmen and juniors will have their class trips cancelled because they won't have any money left. That'll show them!
Justin passes Maggie in the hall and totally checks out her rack again. Mandy the bitch comes up to Dawn and asks if she found her wallet. Apparently Mandy tried to plant Dawn's wallet at the party to get her in trouble, but had a few too many bottles of Strawberry Hill and stole Sunny's wallet instead.
The book ends with Dawn bitching about Carol not telling her dad about her pregnancy, Mandy being an assface, and Jill being more into Care Bears than Boone's. She decides to put together a group a people to raise money and go plant flowers and clean up at Ms. Krueger's. She says she knows the kids will like that. Probably not. Dawn apologizes to Jill, who apologizes back for letting the pregnancy secret slip. Even though the air is kind of cleared between them, Dawn says she's not sorry enough to work things out with Jill. And on that bitchy note, the book is over!
Is that Dawn after Sunny puked some Blue Hawaiian up on her? I wish.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Poll for May
Sorry for being lax on the posting, I started a recap Monday and still haven't finished it! I've only had one class the week (every morning), but it's my most difficult one and we had a test and a handout and shit due, plus our final is Monday. I'll probably be better at posting again once my final is over and I have no obligations.
So, on to the poll! TG and Sabrina didn't stand a chance, even though I voted for Sabrina like 5 times. Lila and Claudia started off head to head, but then Claudia blew past and totally killed everyone in a flurry of Ms. Frizzles, paint, Twinkies, and bad spelling. Go Claudia!
So here's my new question for May: Which V.C. Andrews male is the creepiest? I mean, they all have their faults, but which one really makes your skin crawl? There's like a million answers to choose from, and I didn't even think about every series! Here are our nominees:
Chris Dollanganger (2): This is the younger Chris, who relentlessly pursued Cathy and couldn't take a hint. We all know about his gross ways.
Tony Tatterton: My, how Tony loves his wife, Jillian! In fact, he loves her so much that he rapes her daughter, Leigh, and then is all obsessed with both the daughter (Heaven) and granddaughter (Annie) that resulted from that rape. He does die the absolute best death in V.C. Andrews history, if I recall correctly (I may not be since I hated this book so much that I can't remember if he died or just passed out): he's laying on a couch in a woman's nightgown. Love!
Philip Cutler: Likes to rape his sister, Dawn, and her daughter, Christie. He was best man at his sister's wedding and mouthed the I do to her, like he was marrying her. He also made his buttugly wife dye her hair like his sister and he occasionally liked to sleep with one of his sister's nightgowns doused in her perfume spread out beside him. Philip's fucked up.
Malcolm Foxworth (1): This is TG's husband, and believe me, she needed to be giving him forty lashes. Malcolm had a really unhealthy obsession with his mom, the first Corinne, that we never got to go into (Someone figure out how to resurrect V.C. Andrews and have her write a story from the first Corinne's POV). He also raped his stepmom repeatedly and was way too controlling with his daughter that resulted from that rape, slutbag Corinne.
Cal Dennison: Bought Heaven from her father (no, seriously!) and then proceeded to do her like crazy. I know Heaven's white trash and all, but come on, Cal!
Jimmy Longchamp: Yet another sister lover. I know Dawn turned out not to be his real sister, but they thought they were brother and sister for like 14 years, so that's gross as hell.
Jed Booth: Raped his adopted daughter, Lillian, and was an all-around angry bitch.
Cary Logan: Um, peephole into his twin sister's room? Disgusting! Then he gets all grab-assy with Melody, who is kind of sort of not really his cousin. Forget about that and just think about the peephole into Laura's room.
Roy Arnold: See Jimmy Longchamp, but replace Dawn with Rain.
Bart Winslow (1): One of Cathy's many lovers. Though he wasn't technically related to her (he was her stepfather but they had never met before), he still came off as a creepy asshole who can't hold his load.
Bart Winslow (2): Cathy and Bart Winslow's son. His last name may not be Winslow, I can't remember. Whatever. It's insinuated that he totally did something to his adopted sister. Oh, and let's not forget his crazy (literally) childhood!
Julian Marquet: Julian likes little girls. Gross! At least he tried to break up Cathy and Chris.
Arden Lowe: Yeah, Arden's not related to Audrina in any way, but something about him creeped me out. Maybe it was the fact that he knew the truth about Audrina's past and went along with the lies, maybe it was the fact that he wanted to have sex with a girl he knew was gang-raped, maybe it was the fact that he was doing Vera while Audrina was in a coma, I don't know. I just don't like him.
Damian Adare: Audrina's father, who is fucking weird. I can't even get into it without ruining the story, but those of you who have read it know what I mean.
Paul Tate: Yet ANOTHER sister lover. Half-sister, actually, but still. He and Ruby cut their relationship off after finding out they're related, but he still wants her hardcore. He does a little role-playing after they get married (don't ask) and they have sex. Role-playing or sham marriage or not, sex with your sister is nasty.
Or you can choose all of them, because I know it's a tough decision.
Voting ends June 1!
So, on to the poll! TG and Sabrina didn't stand a chance, even though I voted for Sabrina like 5 times. Lila and Claudia started off head to head, but then Claudia blew past and totally killed everyone in a flurry of Ms. Frizzles, paint, Twinkies, and bad spelling. Go Claudia!
So here's my new question for May: Which V.C. Andrews male is the creepiest? I mean, they all have their faults, but which one really makes your skin crawl? There's like a million answers to choose from, and I didn't even think about every series! Here are our nominees:
Chris Dollanganger (2): This is the younger Chris, who relentlessly pursued Cathy and couldn't take a hint. We all know about his gross ways.
Tony Tatterton: My, how Tony loves his wife, Jillian! In fact, he loves her so much that he rapes her daughter, Leigh, and then is all obsessed with both the daughter (Heaven) and granddaughter (Annie) that resulted from that rape. He does die the absolute best death in V.C. Andrews history, if I recall correctly (I may not be since I hated this book so much that I can't remember if he died or just passed out): he's laying on a couch in a woman's nightgown. Love!
Philip Cutler: Likes to rape his sister, Dawn, and her daughter, Christie. He was best man at his sister's wedding and mouthed the I do to her, like he was marrying her. He also made his buttugly wife dye her hair like his sister and he occasionally liked to sleep with one of his sister's nightgowns doused in her perfume spread out beside him. Philip's fucked up.
Malcolm Foxworth (1): This is TG's husband, and believe me, she needed to be giving him forty lashes. Malcolm had a really unhealthy obsession with his mom, the first Corinne, that we never got to go into (Someone figure out how to resurrect V.C. Andrews and have her write a story from the first Corinne's POV). He also raped his stepmom repeatedly and was way too controlling with his daughter that resulted from that rape, slutbag Corinne.
Cal Dennison: Bought Heaven from her father (no, seriously!) and then proceeded to do her like crazy. I know Heaven's white trash and all, but come on, Cal!
Jimmy Longchamp: Yet another sister lover. I know Dawn turned out not to be his real sister, but they thought they were brother and sister for like 14 years, so that's gross as hell.
Jed Booth: Raped his adopted daughter, Lillian, and was an all-around angry bitch.
Cary Logan: Um, peephole into his twin sister's room? Disgusting! Then he gets all grab-assy with Melody, who is kind of sort of not really his cousin. Forget about that and just think about the peephole into Laura's room.
Roy Arnold: See Jimmy Longchamp, but replace Dawn with Rain.
Bart Winslow (1): One of Cathy's many lovers. Though he wasn't technically related to her (he was her stepfather but they had never met before), he still came off as a creepy asshole who can't hold his load.
Bart Winslow (2): Cathy and Bart Winslow's son. His last name may not be Winslow, I can't remember. Whatever. It's insinuated that he totally did something to his adopted sister. Oh, and let's not forget his crazy (literally) childhood!
Julian Marquet: Julian likes little girls. Gross! At least he tried to break up Cathy and Chris.
Arden Lowe: Yeah, Arden's not related to Audrina in any way, but something about him creeped me out. Maybe it was the fact that he knew the truth about Audrina's past and went along with the lies, maybe it was the fact that he wanted to have sex with a girl he knew was gang-raped, maybe it was the fact that he was doing Vera while Audrina was in a coma, I don't know. I just don't like him.
Damian Adare: Audrina's father, who is fucking weird. I can't even get into it without ruining the story, but those of you who have read it know what I mean.
Paul Tate: Yet ANOTHER sister lover. Half-sister, actually, but still. He and Ruby cut their relationship off after finding out they're related, but he still wants her hardcore. He does a little role-playing after they get married (don't ask) and they have sex. Role-playing or sham marriage or not, sex with your sister is nasty.
Or you can choose all of them, because I know it's a tough decision.
Voting ends June 1!
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