Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Baby-sitters Club #51 Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

Since the comments on the last post have indicated that I'm not the only one who loves Laine, I decided to do a whole Laine post! Let me tell you, I was searching for about an hour and a half for this thing because it wasn't in my room or in our basement book shelves. I was getting so upset and then I finally found it under my bed. I'm sorry for mistreating you and keeping you hidden away, baby!

This book has everything: fights, boys, an only sort of lame subplot, Laine, and a card catalog fight. What could be better? I always liked this one when I was younger, as you will clearly see later on with all the creases in the cover. I loved it hardcore! In fact, let's not delay the awesomeness any longer, and get to the good stuff.

So Stacey is talking to Laine on the phone, and Laine mentions that she has a week off of school coming up for winter break. No, not the week in between Christmas and New Year's, but the week before Valentine's Day. The hell? I never got a random week off of school! Maybe Laine just gets it off because she's amazing. Anyway, Laine says she has so many things to choose to do, like go to parties with her new boyfriend (more on that hot mess later), or her school's ski trip, or to her aunt and uncle's place in Florida. Stacey says she should come to Stoneybrook, and before Laine can tell her that she'd rather wake up to a pee filled bed again, Stacey hangs up to go ask her mom. Her mom says yes, and Stacey calls Laine back to tell her to come. I don't know why Laine didn't tell her to shove it. Stacey tells her it'll be awesome, and Laine kind of faintly agrees. Actually, Stacey uses the word distant about 80 times, which confuses Laine, who is not fluent in BSC-ese.

Stacey starts planning on tons of stuff to do, like going out to restaurants because she says Laine likes to eat. Yeah, I bet not. She heads off to her BSC meeting, and we delve into the horrors of the Chapter 2. Stacey tells them that Laine is coming, and Mary Anne says she can come to SMS's Valentine's Day Dance, which is being held on Friday the 13th. Mallory pauses in her gum wrapper chain and says she has an important announcement; she's going to the dance with Ben. Everyone's just like, "That's nice," and continues talking about other stuff. Oh man, it was so hilarious. How did I not pick up on all the subtle Mallory insults before?

A few days later, Stacey is Laine-proofing the house before the train from New York comes in. This consists of making sure there is seltzer in the fridge, a copy of the New Yorker on the coffee table, hiding her pig collection, organizing her tapes, and putting Claudia's ragdoll in her hamper with dirty underwear on top of it. Ew! I hope Claudia didn't want it back. Stacey examines her outfit, and she is wearing a shoelace barrette in her hair. Holy crap, I was the queen of the shoelace barrettes! I had one in every color!

Those aren't pics of mine, I just Googled them. My friend Amanda had neon ones, though. Hot!

Anyway, Laine gets off the train in a super sophisticated jean jacket with a fur collar, and red beret. Please tell me she's not wearing jeans with her jean jacket. Thank God, she's wearing black capri pants with lace bottoms. I had a pair of those, too, except mine were full length. They had flowered lace bottoms and were my very favorite pair of spandex pants. Stacey's mom drives them home (and does not run out of gas), and Stacey gives Laine the tour of Stoneybrook. When they get to Stacey's house, Laine asks where the town is. Stacey is shocked and says they just drove through it, she pointed out the library and the pizza place and everything! Laine is not impressed. I love her.

Stacey tells Laine she's going to have a super chilly and dibbly distant party that night. Laine gets excited, until she realizes it's just going to be a BSC sleepover. Here's a tip, Laine: don't sleep in the bed with Stacey. Laine acts like she's way too mature and cool for the BSC, and she is, and says that 13 year old boys are dorky. Mary Anne gets all pissed and says that Logan isn't dorky. Um, Mary Anne? Have you met Logan? Trust me, he's dorky. Kristy says Bart isn't dorky, either. Kristy? See the response for Logan. Laine's boyfriend, whose name is King, is 15, has bushy purple tipped black hair, and calls her Babe. Stud! Okay, I can see how it would be cool from Laine's perspective to date a 15 year old, but let's think about it the other way. What would a sophomore in high school want with an 8th grader? Laine totally puts out.

Laine stays home the first day Stacey has school, but is so bored that Stacey gets permission for her to come to SMS the next day. Again, Laine did not ask to go, but rather Stacey told her she was going. Laine and Stacey cut study hall to hang out with Claudia and Mary Anne, who are working on a project in the library. I hope they weren't working on the project together, because I definitely would not want Claudia as my school partner. Laine asks if they could go to a local coffeeshop, and is surprised that they can't leave school grounds. She also can't believe that the teacher will only let one kid out to go to the bathroom at a time. Where the hell did Laine go to school, where they get week long vacations, can leave school whenever they want, and hang out in the bathroom during class? They go to lunch, and Stacey arranges to have some boys sit with them. The boys start building food sculptures, except for Pete Black, who can't take his eyes off Laine. He tells Laine she has hair like gossamer, and she laughs at him. That's our girl!

After school, King calls Stacey's house for Laine. Stacey doesn't get the hint at first that Laine wants to have phone sex in private, but then does and overhears parts of the conversation. She hears the word "childish" and stupidly thinks Laine is describing some of the children the club sits for. No, Stacey, she's describing you. After Laine hangs up, the phone rings again, and it's Pete Black! He asks Laine to the dance, and she's just like yeah whatever, which I guess is encouraging, because he tells her she has eyes like limpid pools. Where the hell is he getting this shit?

Oh, the BSC is convinced that Friday the 13th is jinxing the dance, because all sorts of shit starts going down. Bart tells Kristy that he might not want to go to the dance, because there's a game on TV that he wants to watch. What surprises me is that it's not the other way around. Logan asks Mary Anne if they're going to actually dance at the dance. How dare he presume that! Mary Anne gets all huffy because she doesn't like to dance. Laine asks her what she does then, hahaha. Mary Anne says they usually walk around, talk to other people, and eat and stuff. Laine is not impressed. But, I have saved the best fight for last! Mallory and Ben have a study date at the library, and get into a huge argument at the card catalog about whether it's faster to search by author or subject, and get thrown out by the librarian. I nearly die laughing. Mallory has totally earned all of her votes! They all make up by the time of the dance.

Dance time! Laine makes fun of Stacey for wearing red to a Valentine's Day dance. Laine dresses in head to toe black. She's so goth. Laine also makes fun of Stacey for buying shit off of BSC's version of the Home Shopping Network, including some neon pink nail polish and a china clown. She says it's all "junque." Misspelling? Has Laine been hanging out with Claudia? She's also surprised that they're meeting the boys at the dance, because dates are supposed to pick up girls in their cars and drive them to the dance. Um, Laine? They're 13. Plus your super mature boyfriend is 15, which means he can't drive either. They get to the dance, and Pete drops Laine's corsage and it gets trampled by the same wild animals who trample Mary Anne's corsage in Mary Anne Saves the Day. Laine basically hates everything about the dance, including the band, the refreshments, the decorations, and every sixth grader. She also doesn't like Pete, and is sick of him stepping on her precious feet while dancing, so she tells him she's going to rest for awhile. As soon as she sits down, some hot 7th grader asks her to dance and she drools all over herself and accepts. Pete is mega hurt, and Stacey has had enough. She grabs Laine and pulls her out to yell at her. Laine says she wants to go home, and Stacey calls her mom and tells her to pick them up. Laine totally grabs the front seat in the car, and Stacey tries to force her out, but her mom tells her to just go sit in the back. Laine totally rules at Shotgun.

Laine gets on the next train to New York, and goes home, Stacey says she knows their relationship will never be the same, and writes her a kind of snotty letter and sends it off with her half of their best friends necklace enclosed. Claudia comes over, and they watch TV in hopes of purchasing some china clowns.

Sub-plot: The BSC plans a Valentine's Masquerade party for the kids. They all make valentines and sign their names in dumb codes. Carolyn, who has a mullet, likes an older boy, and Marilyn has a crush on a boy too. Nicky Pike makes a valentine for a girl, but won't tell anyone who it is, and the BSC spends tons of time trying to figure out who they all like. Laine makes fun of them, of course, but trust me, Laine, this is way better than hearing about the latest thing that non-Little Pete Jackie Rodowsky broke. They have the party, and Nicky likes Marilyn, who likes him back, but thinks her name is Carolyn. I guess he can't tell the difference between a mullet and regular hair. Carolyn has the hots for James Hobart. I hope they can agree on how to use the card catalog effectively. Ooh, and Nicky and Marilyn hold hands! Do you think that if they break up he'll give her the Bizzer Sign? I hope so!

Look at the expression on Laine's face. She's totally over it.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

The Baby-sitters Club Super Special #11 The Baby-sitters Remember

First of all, thanks to everyone who reads this at all, and all those who leave a comment and tell me you like it. Flattery gets you everywhere! But seriously, I am so excited that people read this, and knowing that people like it makes me want to continue and get tons of posts out. Also, I love to discuss what other people remembered or noticed about the book or whatever, and try to answer every comment, so check back and you might have a reply. If you don't, it's not because I hate you, I just might not have something to say. I promise.

Today in my stats class I discovered that my calculator was not in my bag. I'm not talking about a little crappy dollar store calculator, but a $100 TI-83 Plus that isn't even mine (mine does all sorts of weird shit, so I think it's possessed), it's my boyfriend's. Oh yeah, and I have a test tomorrow, and besides the fact that I suck at math, it's mandatory to use the calculators. I started freaking out and called my dad to check for it at home, and it wasn't there. My mom told me to try the lost and found at school, even though it probably wouldn't be there, so I did, and they had it! It's a miracle! So whoever turned in my bf's TI-83 Plus, I owe you a mega pizza toast. Because of you, my boyfriend will let me live, and my dad will not be $100 poorer.

Because of that, I'm going to do one of my favorite BSC books, The Baby-sitters Remember. I was saving this to do on my birthday, but oh well. I always liked prequels (as long as they're done correctly), and loved all the Portrait Collection books and reading about what the BSC did before they were the BSC. Plus Claudia misspells her own name, how funny is that? I remember being so excited when the Book Fair sheet came out in grade school, and this was on there. Ooh, and my copy came with a chilly BSC necklace that I'll have to locate. But don't worry guys, even though I honestly love this book, I'll still find some things to bitch about, trust.

So the BSC is just starting their summer vacation, and the entire Stoneybrook Middle School was given an assignment on the second to last day of school - write an essay on what they did on their summer vacation. Why do teachers care about that shit? I never understood it. Plus isn't the point of summer vacation to not do anything? Whatevs. Anyway, I would wonder why the eighth graders are assigned this when they are going to high school the next year and will be unable to turn it in, but this is the BSC, they'll just be in eighth grade again next year. Kristy has a sleepover on the first day of summer vacation, and Jessi asks them what their most vivid memory is, so each club member decides to write about the sleepover and their most vivid memory for their essay.

In the background info of all the members, it actually didn't say that Jessi was black. I was so shocked, but then I found it at the end of Mallory's description, so no worries, guys.

Kristy: Kristy's most vivid memory is about baby-sitting, of course. But this is the very first time she got to baby-sit, when she was 10 years old. Their housekeeper sucked and kept on saying she couldn't come in all the time, so Kristy's mom needed someone to watch David Michael after school. Kristy thinks it's sad that the only housekeeper her mom can afford is a not very good one, but I think that if you can find me a single mom with 4 kids that has a housekeeper at all, I'll give you a dollar. Not really. Anyway, Sam and Charlie each have after-school commitments, so Kristy begs her mom to let her watch David Michael. I don't know why her mom is so reluctant to agree, because it's not like David Michael's a tiny baby, he's 4. Plus it's just a few hours, from after school until she gets home. Oh yeah, and free baby-sitter! Come on!

So Kristy's mom finally agrees, and says that they can't answer the door for strangers or play with the stove and all sorts of other stuff that possibly a 4 year old and definitely a 10 year old should know. Kristy is hella excited, and meets Mary Anne out front to walk to school and tells her the great news. I think Mary Anne's impressed, but maybe she's too busy being creeped out by the fact that her father watches her from the door until she crosses the street. She's not 5, Richard!

After school, Kristy races home in order to get there before David Michael (who is being dropped off from day-care by Mrs. Pike, since Nicky has kindergarten there, too), and is pleased that she makes it. She starts fixing David Michael a snack consisting of apple slices, graham crackers, and juice boxes, when Mrs. Newton calls and asks what she's doing and makes sure she's not using the stove. What's she going to cook, a gourmet dinner? Kristy reassures her that she's not, and Mrs. Pike drops David Michael off. Kristy's mom calls, and Kristy has to tell her that everything's fine, and then Mary Anne calls and wants to come over or have Kristy over because her baby-sitter is weird. Kristy says no because she's baby-sitting. Mary Anne says tsk because she's 80, and hangs up so she can help her baby-sitter, who is studying to be a beautician, with some pin curls. I think it would be fun to have a baby-sitter who is studying to be a beautician, but I am a huge makeup whore.

Kristy and David Michael, with Louie for protection, go play outside. While they're out, Mimi drops by, Mrs. Pike calls, Mrs. Newton and Kristy's mom call again, and Mary Anne's baby-sitter comes over to see how they're doing. Couldn't one of those people (minus Kristy's mom) have watched David Michael for a few hours since Kristy's mom is so worried about them? I mean, Mrs. Pike may be busy popping out more kids, but Mrs. Newton or Mimi could have taken him. Anyway, Kristy's mom comes home and finds out everything is okay, and fires their shitty housekeeper. Kristy says it'll mean that they'll all have housekeeping chores, but that's okay. Aren't they old enough to have chores anyway?

Stacey: Stacey's story is about when she was first diagnosed with diabetes. Oh, Stacey's diabetic? I didn't know, just like I had no idea that Jessi's black. They should mention those details a few thousand times in every book.

Anyway, Stacey's eleven, and still living in New York. She says she's a native New Yorker, and that you can't say that about just anyone. Have you seen New York, Stacey? It's huge. I'm sure that there are more people than you who were born there. Anyway, Stacey is starting sixth grade, and wants to make it the best year ever. She has plans for straight A's, a place on the soccer team, and making some new friends. She's also drinking and eating like crazy. She runs outside to meet Laine to walk to their first day of school at Parker Academy, and Laine informs her that one of their friends is switching schools and must be replaced. I love Laine. She rules with an iron fist.

All of the other members of Laine's handpicked group meet in front of the school, except for one who is running late. Stacey says every now and then Laine gives the last person to arrive a hard time. Obey Laine, be there on time! As they go in, Stacey sees a girl who she is assuming is new because she is wearing a brand new Parker Academy sweater and carrying a brand new Parker Academy backpack. I thought they didn't have uniforms, and if they didn't, what kind of nerd wears a school sweater on the first day and has a school backpack? Not even Mallory would do that, and that's saying something.

Stacey introduces herself to the new girl, whose name is Allison Ritz and is from Texas, and invites her to sit with the group at lunch, even though Laine didn't approve it first. Stacey's got some balls. Laine was pissed, but Stacey didn't care. After school, her mom measures her and weighs her and finds out that she grew an inch and a half over the summer, but lost 4 pounds. Her mom says that her recent hunger and thirst are just her way of her body catching up to her height, and she should try to pig out on healthy things. Stacey agrees, and a member of the group, Deirdre, calls and invites her to a sleepover that weekend. Stacey asks if Allison can come, and Deirdre says she'll have to check with Laine first. Deirdre knows what's up.

Laine is pissed that she has been defied like this, and Stacey has to convince her to let Allison come to the sleepover. Laine tells Stacey that she's going to get fat with all the shit she's eating and drinking, and gives in.

Stacey feels all weird on sleepover day, but doesn't want to miss it. Allison basically pissed Laine off all night, first by having the nerve to get lost on the way to Deirdre's, then by asking for anchovies on her pizza, and for breathing. Stacey pulls Laine out of the room and gives her a talking to, and let me tell you, Laine was not happy. But she did start acting nicer to Allison, for Laine. The girls decide that Stacey and Laine would sleep together in Deirdre's bed, and the rest would sleep on the floor in sleeping bags. While she's asleep, Stacey does by far the most embarrassing thing ever, she wets the bed while she and Laine are in it. After reading this, I became mega paranoid and always made sure I went to the bathroom before I slept in the same bed with someone. Laine wakes Stacey up by screaming and calling her a baby, and runs for the shower. Stacey feels embarrassed and dizzy and weird, and calls her parents to come get her. She thinks Laine is being a drama queen for taking a super long shower, but come on, Stacey, you pissed on her! Cut Laine some slack!

At school all her friends ignored her, including Allison, and Laine made sure the bed wetting story got around. I don't know if I'd tell everyone that my best friend pissed on me, but whatever, Laine. Stacey's parents send her to a child psychiatrist, who asks her if she's hungry and thirsty all the time and sometimes dizzy. She says yes and the psychiatrist tells her parents he thinks Stacey might have diabetes. Unless this psychiatrist has personal experience with diabetes, I can tell you that as a psych major I have learned nothing about the symptoms of diabetes. Stacey's parents take her to her pediatrician, who diagnoses her.

Stacey has difficulty with her diabetes in the beginning, what with finding out the right amounts of insulin to take and stuff, and misses soccer tryouts because she in the hospital. She doesn't make any new friends because Allison Ritz told everyone she was a bed wetter, which Laine liked so much that she invited Allison into the group. Wouldn't Laine feel guilty for being such a bitch when she found out Stacey had an incurable disease? Stacey also didn't get straight A's, as every time she caught up with her schoolwork she got sick again and had to be in the hospital. Stacey's doctor tells her that she is a brittle diabetic, which means her diabetes is harder to control than others. Everyone at school either called her a hypochondriac for being absent so much and for fainting twice, or avoided her because they thought she was contagious. Her parents became mega overprotective, and then announced that they'd be moving to Stoneybrook. Stacey can't wait to go, and you know the rest.

Claudia: Claudia is in first grade, and not doing so well in school. Her teacher seems like a ho who hates children and yells all the time, so I can understand how this environment would not be conducive to learning. Claudia does excel at art though, and loves her huge box of Crayolas with the sharpener in the back. Word, Claudia. You weren't cool unless you had the sharpener.

Janine walks Claudia, Mary Anne, and Kristy to school every day, and reads a book while doing it. Claudia is impressed because she has trouble reading while sitting. Richard does not let Mary Anne wear pants to school, and I think he's crazy. If she has to walk to school, she's bound to be cold during the winter, and needs some pants. I went to a private school in first grade and had to wear a uniform, and I was so cold during the winter that I'd pray they wouldn't make us go outside for recess. Let her wear pants, Richard!

Their day consists of Mary Anne crying because it's gym day, their teacher yelling at everyone, Kristy beating Alan Gray up, and then it's time for art. They have a special art teacher, Miss Packett, who tells them that they have a homework assignment. They must draw a self portrait, and Claudia, who totally has A.D.D., misses out on the explanation of a self portrait because she's thinking about what she'll draw. She brags to Mimi after school about her homework, and then runs upstairs to work on it. She draws a huge butterfly using tons of colors, and spends hours on making it perfect. She hands it in to her teacher next day, and waits for the next art time so she can see her art teacher's reaction.

Art day comes, and the art teacher starts unrolling all the pictures and showing them. They are all pictures of themselves, and Claudia starts to get worried. Finally the teacher gets to hers, and after Claudia saying she drew it, because she didn't put a name on it, the teacher proceeds to rip her a new one for not following directions. Claudia is super upset, and cries to Mimi after school. Mimi takes Claudia back to the school and tells Miss Packett that Claudia understood the directions better than anyone, because she sees herself as a wild beautiful free butterfly. No, Mimi, she just didn't listen to the directions. Miss Packett apologizes to Claudia, and gives her back the drawing. Present day Claudia says that she still has the drawing and she added her name - Caludia - to the bottom. I can't believe she misspelled her own name.

Jessi: I wish Jessi's story was about the first time she found out she was black, but it's not. It's about Squirt's birth. Jessi had just finished fourth grade and Becca had just finished first. Her mother's pregnancy was a big deal because she had miscarried twice before, but Jessi did not want a baby in the house because they cried a lot and smelled. Also, she and Becca would have to share a room. Lame! All of Becca's furniture won't fit in Jessi's room, so they have to take a bunch of shit out, including both of their armchairs. Have you guys ever noticed that the BSC members always have armchairs in their rooms? Well, Claudia doesn't, but Kristy probably ordered her to take it out to make room for the director's chair. Anyway, they smash everything in and Becca's old room looks like a disaster because the wallpaper is all faded and Becca stained the rug with markers.

Of course Jessi's mom has to be all inconsiderate and go into the labor before the room is fixed up. Shouldn't they have fixed it months ago, when the baby wasn't so close to coming? The girls are supposed to have their Aunt Cecelia come and watch them, but she's not home, and Jessi's aunt and uncle and grandparents left for vacation that morning, so their crazy neighbor Mrs. Jasper comes over. Aunt Cecelia makes it over that afternoon, and Mrs. Jasper goes back to her thirty cats.

Jessi's dad calls and tells them the news about Squirt, and they go to the hospital to see him that night. Jessi is not looking forward to Squirt coming home because he's small and ugly. She also thinks Squirt is a dumb nickname and she and Becca say they're never going to call him that. Aunt Cecelia spends the next day cooking, cleaning, shopping, and being a drill sergeant, and then it's time for Squirt to come home.

Squirt cries all the time, because he has colic, and Jessi is pissed. Becca stays at the cat lady's to eat steamed cauliflower. Yum! One day Squirt is crying, and Jessi picks him up and starts singing Tomorrow to him. The BSC sure likes Annie. Squirt calms down, and Jessi decides that he doesn't really smell and that she can live with him.

Logan: Logan's story should be about hunting for raccoons and watching NASCAR in Kentucky, but unfortunately it's not. It's basically Logan Likes Mary Anne from his point of view, which is okay, I guess.

It starts off with his family driving to Stoneybrook from Kentucky, and Logan, Kerry, and Hunter coloring in the car. My cousin is a mega hillbilly, and his son is named Hunter. Just sayin'. Logan wishes his family wouldn't have moved at the beginning of eighth grade, because he'd rather have moved next year and be new with everyone else in the high school. Oh, Logan, you silly fool, you're just going to be in eighth grade again next year!

Logan's all nervous the day before school starts because he has a pimple, hillbilly teeth, and is worried that Stoneybrook boys won't like football. His first day doesn't start off so badly. Once he finds his homeroom, Stacey, out for fresh blood, introduces herself. He also finds some guys to sit with at lunch, and then sees Mary Anne for the first time. After stalking her for a while, he asks the guys how he can get into her pants, and they all tell him that she's super shy and part of the exclusive Baby-sitters Club. Logan stalks some more and finds out that the BSC needs some new members. He tells them that he's had plenty of experience. I'm glad that this is from his point of view, as I don't have to read, "Ah've haid plainty of expuryunce." Although now I think I shouldn't have skipped over the hick talk, because when I visited my friend at college in Kentucky I nearly got the crap kicked out of me for mispronouncing Louisville. Oh well, they said Illinoise, so I guess we're even.

Logan babysits for Jackie with Mary Anne. Jackie isn't as cool as he was in the movies, because he isn't played by Little Pete. We all know how the job went, because Jackie is a clumsy fool and every job with him ends up the same way. The job makes Logan like Mary Anne even more, and he silently thanks his parents for moving him out of the family trailer and into Stoneybrook.

Mallory!: Mallory's story is about meeting her favorite author when she was 10.

So Mallory loves Amelia Moody books. She only had one more to read, and put herself on the waiting list at the school library for it. The librarian tells her it's in, and Mallory follows her to the library and wants it right then. I can appreciate that, there have been times when I've been waiting for awhile to read a book and when I finally get a chance to have it I want it right then. She spends a few days reading it, but stops when Mary Anne and Claudia are on their way over to baby-sit, because she loves them. Mary Anne likes Amelia's books too, and tells Mallory to look at the publishing company's address and send a letter to Amelia Moody there. I wonder how many letters Ann M. Martin got after this book was released. Mallory writes to her, and gets a letter back a few weeks later telling her Amelia Moody will be signing books at the Washington Mall. Mallory nearly pees (not on Laine).

Since Mallory has sent Amelia Moody her school picture (I guess to give her inspiration to write a horror novel?), she decides to wear that outfit to meet her in. As I typed that sentence my dog, who is sitting next to me, started barking in her sleep. Coincidence? I think not. Mallory also decides to give Amelia flowers from her garden. She does a dress rehearsal and everything to practice what to say when she meets her.

When Mallory and her mom get to the book store they see that the line to meet Amelia Moody is super long. Mallory is worried that she won't be able to meet her in time. The line moves fast, though, and Mallory sees that Amelia is signing a brand new book, which is conveniently being sold at the book store. She begs her mom to buy it for her so she can have something signed (why the hell didn't she bring a book from home?), and starts reading while waiting in line. When she gets there she decides that her flowers aren't good enough, and can't remember anything she was going to say. In fact, she can't speak at all, and just starts crying, and her mom has to tell Amelia what her name is and how to spell it. Amelia signs the book, and they leave. Mallory says that she learned something important because she had seen the impact meeting an author can have on a reader, and decided to be an author someday. Don't worry, Mallory, even if you don't make it I'm sure lots of people will cry when they see you.

Shannon: Shannon is starting school again, and there's a new girl on her bus huddled together with one of her friends. Later on that day she is asked to take the test to join the Astronomy Club at school. Fun! She's super excited, but knows she needs to study hardcore.

The new girl, Sally, basically will be friends exclusively with someone for a few days, and then drop them and move on to someone else. Sally's supposed to be super cool, with a hairless cat and a horse and Bruce Springsteen tickets. The Boss! She finally gets to Shannon, and they hang out for a day, but then Shannon tells her the next day that she needs to study. Sally is pissed by the rejection, and moves on to someone else. She does this to everyone in Shannon's group of friends except for one, who is hurt because a younger girl got chosen over her. Shannon says that every since that experience she's been cautious of new girls, and that is why she was mean to Kristy when Kristy first moved into the neighborhood. The fuck? I don't get how Sally being friends for someone for a few days and then going on to someone else extends to being mean to Kristy, but whatever.

Dawn: Dawn's story is about when her parents got divorced. Her mom and dad have tons of stupid fights, and her dad stays out late all the time. One day he doesn't come home at all, or let anyone know that he won't be home. Jackass. The next night Dawn discovers that her mom has been sleeping on the couch. Her parents have a huge fight in the middle of the night and her mom calls her dad a liar, and her dad leaves and doesn't come back for 3 days. What was it her dad did that was so bad? Did the Winslows have him over for some hippie lovin'? I wish I knew.

Dawn's parents sit Jeff and her down and tell them they're getting divorced. They are understandably very angry and upset. Dawn's dad decides to stay in their house, and her mom decides to take the kids and move to Connecticut. Strangely enough, her dad seems okay with that. Maybe he was having some tie-dyed filled orgies after all.

They move to Stoneybrook and have to stay with Dawn's grandparents until they can move into their house. It's January in Connecticut, but of course Sharon doesn't think about getting the kids winter jackets until the day before school starts. Dumb. The rest is basically a short version of Mary Anne Saves the Day in Dawn's perspective. I wonder if it was January in that book. Must check later.

Mary Anne: Mary Anne is 8 years old, and has lots of weird baby-sitters. Also, in her picture at the beginning of the section, she is wearing pants and has her hair loose. You can bet whoever the babysitter that was watching her then was fired. That hair must be braided!

Anyway, Richard is going out of town for a weekend, and uses a baby-sitting agency to find sitters for Mary Anne, and she hates it. How was Kristy's idea for the BSC so ingenius if Richard's been using the same thing for years? Mary Anne thinks all the old lady sitters she has smell funny and their mouths look like dried up apricots. Hee. She says it won't be so bad if she has Kristy and Claudia over for a sleepover on one of the nights. Richard surprisingly agrees.

Mrs. Tate, the baby-sitter for the weekend, has a rusty old car with waxpaper in one spot instead of a window. Classy. She smells weird and has an apricot mouth. She won't let Mary Anne have a brownie for a snack because the girls are going to have pizza that night and it would be too unhealthy, so Mary Anne goes over to Kristy's and tells her how mean Mrs. Tate is. Kristy decides to get her back by playing pranks.

Kristy's first trick that night after she and Claudia arrive is to put pepper in Mrs. Tate's salad. Mary Anne and Claudia distract her by screaming about a spider in the living room and Kristy does the dirty work. They watch from another room as Mrs. Tate eats it, makes a face, and then throws it out and makes another one. Kristy's pissed, so she decides to nail Mrs. Tate's slippers to the floor. Mary Anne and Claudia turn up the TV really loud to cover up the noise. However, Mrs. Tate, just takes the tacks out of the slippers when she finds them. So, Kristy puts a scary mask over the light in the fridge. Mrs. Tate congratulates her, and then tells them all about other practical jokes she seen, including putting Saran wrap over a toilet bowl so then someone goes to the bathroom on that. Gross! She gets the girls back in the morning by telling them their breakfast is a big pot of stew that contains old socks, a tennis ball, garbage, and other gross things. Daddy Stew?

Mary Anne said she learned it's okay to be silly every once an awhile, that most people have a sense of humor and it's important to keep it, and not to judge people by their appearances.

My brother's dog gnawed on my book when she was a puppy, so it has no front or back cover, and a bunch of pages are ripped. Here's a picture of the cover from

You can't really tell, but it's a metallic gold color, which means it really is super special! Mary Anne looks about 40 or so, and Claudia has one of the Winslows' shirts on. Shannon should be there, but she isn't. I guess the illustrator figured that we already can't tell Stacey from Dawn most of the time, so why throw in another blonde and confuse us even more? My guess is that Stacey's the pissed off looking one painting her nails and figuring out how to wet the bed and blame it on Mallory.

Oh yeah, I also read With You and Without You by Ann M. Martin over the weekend, but I don't think I can do a post on it. It was a very genuine and heartfelt book, and I would have trouble snarking on it. I highly recommend it, but be warned that I cried super hard while reading it. Mary Anne would have been dehydrated.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Baby-sitters Little Sister #8 Karen's Haircut

Okay, so I know that the general consensus is that Karen is annoying, and she is, but I think she was a little less annoying in the Little Sister books, possibly because she's not just running around and shrieking. Instead, we actually get to hear her thoughts and stuff. Oh, who am I kidding? She still sucks.

I didn't have many Little Sister books growing up, because I thought they were for babies. Also, they didn't have the awesome descriptions of Claudia's outfits, which were my very favorite parts of BSC books. However, I did really like this one, mostly because it makes me laugh so hard, especially when Karen starts dressing like a hooker. You have to admit that's the best. Although the one where she needs glasses and pours milk on the counter instead of in a glass is pretty sweet too.

So the book starts off with Karen and Nancy playing Lovely Ladies. Karen then catches a glimpse of herself in the mirror and realizes what we all already knew, she's totes hids. She's all bummed because she has huge uggo glasses and her two front teeth had come in before she lost the others so she looks like a beaver. Karen is all sad and we go into the dreaded BSC Chapter 2 (Chapter 2 usually has all the boring ass background stuff. I can't remember the last time I read a BSC Chapter 2.).

Karen's Chapter 2 basically describes her family and the whole two-two thing. I hated the two-two thing, because isn't she more of a one-one? You know, she has one thing at one house and one thing at the other? Whatever. Karen gets ready to go to the big house. No, not that one, Watson's house. I know, damn.

It takes a whole chapter just to say that Karen arrives at the big house, eats dinner, and then makes plans to play with Hannie tomorrow. I just said that in a damn sentence!

The next day Karen wakes up and her tooth on the side of her huge ass buck teeth is really loose. Sam tells her he can get it out for her by tying it to a doorknob and shutting the door, but Karen pusses out. I think Sam should've gone all Tom Sawyer on her and tied a string around her tooth, held the string, and made her jump back from a burning stick. Except set her on fire. Sadly, Karen just tells Watson about it and he takes a tissue and pulls her tooth out. Gross. I always hated losing teeth because of the way the space felt when you touched it for the first few days. Yucky. Anyway, Karen goes over to Hannie's and she and a bunch of other kids start playing tag. Karen loves being It, because she's an attention whore. Karen reaches out to tag someone, falls, and knocks her other loose tooth out. She feels even uglier, but is excited by the prospect of leaving the Tooth Fairy two teeth. Greedy bitch.

Hannie is getting married! Oh, wait, this is Stoneybrook, not a third world country. In my class we just said people were "going out." Hannie's dumb. She's acting like this is all real and shit, and planning her wedding day. I hope she's prepared for the wedding night. Ugh, I just grossed myself out. Anyway, Karen is supposed to be her maid of honor, but Karen feels fug, and rightfully so. Hannie suggests she get a haircut and a manicure, because maybe that will make her feel better. I have to say, Hannie's on to something there. I always feel sexy after a haircut and manicure. Karen gets all excited about this, but when is she not excited about something? Karen needs Ritalin, stat.

Karen goes home and asks Watson about the haircut, manicure, and pedicure. He agrees to the haircut and manicure, but says no to the pedicure. He even says that he'll pay for it as long as Karen's mom takes her, and says he'll call her to discuss it later.

The next day Karen wakes up to find that the Tooth Fairy left her a blue barrette for losing two teeth in one day. Then we skip a few days and Hannie keeps asking Karen if she'll look pretty for her (Hannie's) wedding. Christ, Hannie, don't you know anything? If the bridesmaids look like shit, you look better! Dumbass.

Finally haircut day has arrived! Karen's mom, with Andrew in tow, picks Karen up from school to take her to Gloriana's House of Hair. Wow. Karen gets her nails painted in bright pink, and then gets her hair washed in preparation for her cut. Gloriana herself is going to cut Karen's hair. Karen shows her a picture, which is just shoulder-length hair with bangs. Simple enough. Gloriana, who is described as having hair that is part short, part long, part dark, and part light, looks at the picture and starts cutting away. I wouldn't let someone with the disaster of a hairstyle come near my hair, but Karen thinks that with a name like Gloriana, everything will be beautiful.

Andrew starts getting restless, and I say to beat him, but Karen's mom says she's just going to take him for a little walk and be right back. In the mean time, Gloriana is still chopping away at Karen's hair. She finishes, and Karen ends up having a sort of punkish mullet. A pullet? Karen's mom comes back and is shocked, and asks Karen if that was what she asked for. Karens says no and starts to cry, and I'm with her on that one. Gloriana says that this is the most popular hairstyle, and that Karen is very stylish now. I'd refuse to pay for the pullet, since it wasn't what I asked for (and she even had a damn picture to look at) and I hated it, but Karen's mom just pays and takes a sobbing Karen home. This could have been prevented if Andrew wasn't such a cockblock.

Karen is scared about the next day at school, especially because of what Ricky Torres will say. She walks in the next day and Ricky calls her the Bride of Frankenstein. Nice, Ricky. Hannie takes one look at her and tells her she can't be in her wedding while she's looking like that. No, seriously, I copied that sentence from the book and just changed the verb tense. Hannie's about the worst bff ever! Nancy at least tries to compliment Karen. Nancy FTW!

Karen feels even worse about herself, especially when some fifth grade girls pass her in the hall and start pointing and laughing. The fuck? You don't make fun of second graders! Oh, wait, I am. Well, in real life, you don't make fun of second graders for how they look. Although I can recall some pretty hilarious ensembles I put together in second grade, not to mention rocking the side ponytail. Even worse, I have naturally curly hair, so it was like a big frizzy tangly fro on the side of my head. Oh, and I wanted bangs, even though my mom told me that I couldn't have them because I have curly hair, and my dad, who is a barber, cut them for me right before my First Communion (my mom was soooooo pissed), so I had a mini fro on my forehead. I still thought I was hot shit, though.

Anyway, Karen goes home and cries and plays with her dirty rat. She then gets a great (to her) idea. She is going to change her name to something pretty, so that she'll be pretty. I don't think it works that way, but Karen tells everyone at dinner that her new name is Tiffanie Titania Brewer. No one remembers to call her by that fug name, so she tries something else. She paints over her pink nail polish with gold glitter polish. Hot! She then calls Hannie and tells her how sexy her nails are and her new name, and asks if she can be in her wedding again. Hannie asks if her hair and teeth are still the same, Karen says yes, and Hannie says that there's no way Karen can be in her wedding because she only wants a perfect bridesmaid. Does Hannie's mom not know about this, because you'd think if she did she'd teach Hannie about accepting others. Maybe Jessi can come by and teach her about it. Jessi's black. I know, I totally didn't realize it either!

Karen feels awful because of Hannie, and then gets angry and starts plotting ways to make herself more glamorous. So the next day she puts on 5 bracelets, 8 rings, 5 necklaces, and an anklet. She gets to school and tells everyone about her new name. Ricky calls her Bride of Frankenstein again, and she replies that his glasses make him look like an owl. Pwned (sorry, my bf plays WoW)! Everyone starts making fun of Ricky instead and hooting at him. These kids are cruel. All the girls ask Karen to sit with them at lunch and play with them at recess and shit, but all forget to call her Tiffanie. Ricky tells her she looks pretty, and calls her Taffy. Hannie doesn't say anything to her, because she's giving her the fugly silent treatment. C U Next Tuesday, Hannie!

Karen goes over to Nancy's after school and gets pissed because Nancy can't remember to call her Tiffanie. Nancy then shows her a new dress she just got and says she's wearing it to her her cousin's bar mitzvah and then to Hannie's wedding. Karen's all like, token Jew say what? She didn't even know that Hannie had set the date for the wedding, and now was sure that she didn't have an invitation. I'm sure there's no velvet rope, Karen. You can just go. Nancy still doesn't remember to call her Tiffanie.

At home, Karen thinks that the reason no one can remember Tiffanie is because she needs a new name that sounds like Karen. How about...Karen? Nope, she decides on Krystal. I'm sorry for offending anyone named Krystal or any other spelling variation when I say this, but every single Krystal or variation I have ever met has been incredibly stupid. I don't know what it is, I know like 4 and they're all dumb. Someone prove me wrong!

Seth remembers to call Karen Krystal, but no one else does. Nancy calls Karen and she tells her about her new dumb name. Nancy asks her why she's not going to Hannie's wedding, and Karen tells her she's not invited because Hannie doesn't think she looks good enough. Nancy thinks this is incredibly unfair, and Karen asks if she's still going, and Nancy says yes because Hannie didn't do anything to her and she's not going to pick a side. I think you just did, Nancy. Oh yeah, and Nancy calls Karen Kristy, hee.

Here's where it starts to get good! Karen arrives at school the next day as Krystal Karlotta Brewer, which is absolutely heinous, and again over-accessorizes. But she has a surprise, a tube of red lipstick that her mom was going to throw away. Karen "smears it all over her mouth" and everyone is shocked by how glamorous and grown up she looks. Or maybe they're reminded of The Joker. Hannie says she still can't be in the wedding. After a few weeks, she adds 6 hair ribbons to her outfit (because just one didn't look right with her pullet) and tons of blush to her face. She also changes her name to Gazelle, Desiree, and Chantal. Where the hell is she getting these, America's Next Top Model? No one but Ricky can remember her new names.

Karen realizes while looking in the mirror that her hair still doesn't look good, but is growing out and getting better. Be thankful Gloriana didn't give you the Britney, Karen. Her new teeth are also coming in, and making her front teeth not look so large and in charge. At school, the same fifth graders who laughed at her before now smile at her. Karen is elated, thinking that she's hot shit because some big kids smiled at her. Nancy is excited about the smiles, too, but Hannie doesn't believe her. What crawled up Hannie's butt in this book, seriously?

Karen goes to Watson's for the weekend, and the first night is uneventful. Saturday morning, she tries to teach Emily Michelle and Andrew how to play tag outside, and sees Hannie take her bike out in her driveway across the street. Dumb bitch falls off her bike and starts screaming for Karen to help. Oh, so she's too ugly to come to your wedding, but not too ugly to help you, huh, Hannie? Karen doesn't point and laugh and give Hannie the finger, but instead runs over, helps her up, and takes her inside. Hannie is crying because her mouth is bledding, and she spits out two teeth into her hand. Hannie's mom is all like, buck up, little camper, they were baby teeth, but Hannie is crying because now she thinks Scott Hsu won't want to marry her because she's ugly. What is with these kids and thinking missing teeth are ugly? Aside from the gross feeling from the space, I didn't care at all. Plus they're in second grade, everyone is missing teeth. Oh, and serves Hannie right.

Karen heads back to her house with the realization that Hannie didn't thank her for helping her or say sorry for being a huge asshole. Andrew told Watson about the accident, and Watson tells Karen to go see how Hannie's doing after lunch. Karen arrives at Hannie's door the same time Scott Hsu does, and Linny lets them in.

They go up to Hannie's room and Scott says Andrew told him about her accident. Andrew really gets the word around. Hannie tells Scott that now she's ugly and he's not going to want to marry her. Scott tells her he's marrying her, not her face, and that he'll see her tomorrow for the nuptials. Scott really wants to get some. He leaves, and Hannie is left with Karen.

Karen tells Hannie that Watson made her come over, and that Hannie's been really mean and she didn't want to see her.. Hannie apologizes, and says that her nearly fatal accident made her realize how it felt to be ugly. Hopefully they'll be able to afford plastic surgery for skin grafts and...what's that? She just lost some teeth? Not even a scraped knee? Way to be a drama queen, Hannie. Hannie admits she was unfair and a complete ho, and invites Karen to be part of the wedding again.

Wedding day! Karen puts on her most fabulous dress and party shoes, and heads on over. Hannie picked dandelions, and puts them in Karen's and her hair. Super hot. Hannie is dressed in high heeled shoes and her mom's wedding gown. Who lets their 7 year old play in their wedding dress outside? I sure as hell wouldn't, if I had a 7 year old and a wedding dress. Hannie walks down the aisle to her favorite song, Take Me Out To The Ballgame (I'm not making this up), and David Michael marries them. Hannie and Scott both say hell no to the kiss and run away, of course.

The next day at school, Karen leaves her entire inventory of Claire's and her makeup at home, and decides to just be herself. When she gets to school, she sees those damn fifth graders again, and they have newly cut pullets. Everyone is completely in awe of the fact that big girls copied Karen. Don't flatter yourself, they probably went to get a shoulder length cut with bangs and ended up with that. They talk about Hannie's wedding, and Natalie Springer asks if Hannie is really married. Hannie says it's just pretend. Thanks for clearing that up, Hannie. Ricky takes Karen aside and proposes to her. She almost says no, which would've been kind of funny, but then she remembers that he was the only one who called her by her new names, and says yes. Ricky is stoked, and calls her by her last new Top Model name, and she tells him that it's just Karen now. About time!

What really bugs me about the Little Sister books is that the kids never use contractions. Like they always says "is not" and "would not" and stuff. It annoys the hell out of me. Are we supposed to think that second graders are so dumb they don't even know contractions? I find this hard to believe.

Sam preparing to make Karen's tooth fly through the air. He looks to be about 9 or so.

Ricky making fun of the pullet, and rightfully so.

Eat your heart out, Tyra.

Karen looks like a hot mess!

No way in hell I would let that woman go anywhere near me, with or without scissors.

Have you guys ever noticed that the artist for the internal pictures makes really detailed and lifelike faces and then kind of half asses the rest of the drawing, or will make Karen really detailed and then scribble a bunch next to her, slap some pigtails on, and call it Hannie? They're so bad!

Monday, January 28, 2008

BSC Super Special #7 Snowbound

I fucking LOVED Snowbound as a child, but I never owned it. I was super stoked when my boyfriend pulled it off the thrift store shelf, and I read it last night on the train ride home. I probably creeped out the guy next to me, but he just wishes he was this cool.

So since Super Specials are set up differently from regular BSC books, and this one is kind of hard to do chapter by chapter, I'll just recap it by each character.

The main thing that goes on is that there's tons of snow predicted for Stoneybrook, but no one believes it because there have been predictions of snow for the past week or so and they haven't gotten any. Of course, when everyone is out and inconvenienced, the snow hits.

Kristy: The book starts off with Karen asking Kristy to button up her sweater, which she is wearing on her legs as sweater pants. Damn it, Karen, why do you piss me off so much? At least she wasn't given a chapter in this book. Instead of smacking Karen for being a damn idiot, Kristy obliges, and then continues to get ready for Bart, who is coming over to watch some movies. Kristy is all nervous, and I have no idea why. She's about as straight as Jessi is white. Anyway, Kristy asks Nannie to watch Karen, Andrew, David Michael, and Emily Michelle while she's hanging out with Bart. The little kids don't know what lesbians are, so they're all (except for Emily Michelle) teasing Kristy for having a boyfriend. Kristy again doesn't smack them, and answers the door when Bart comes.

There's some awkwardness as Kristy turns around after putting the movie in the VCR only to discover that Bart is sitting in the dead center of the couch. She doesn't want to sit right next to him because she likes girls, so she sits on the floor. Smooth, K-dawg. Bart moves to the floor right next to her, and they happily watch Uncle Buck (good choice!) in peace. Not. The little kids come in one by one and annoy the piss out of me. Way to watch them, Nannie. You fail at life. Oh yeah, and Karen's dirty pet rat is missing.

By then it's time for dinner anyway, so Bart and Kristy join her family. While they're eating, the snow starts. Watson decides after dinner that it's too bad out for Bart to walk home, and that he will wait a little bit for it to clear up so he can drive him. Silly fool. After dessert, it's gotten worse (duh), so Bart calls home to tell his parents that he's staying the night at Kristy's, and the phone goes dead in the middle of his call. Soon afterwards, the lights go out.

Everyone goes to bed while Kristy obsesses in her room about Bart accidentally seeing her in her pajamas and how she's going to look in the morning. I don't buy it. She gets up super early and takes a shower. After that she decides to shave her legs for the first time and doesn't see the big deal about what they look like. Manly men prefer hair. She stupidly starts to curl her wet hair with a curling iron, but then thinks again and uses Charlie's blowdryer. Oh, Charlie. She attempts to put on makeup, too. When she's finally done there's a line of guys outside the bathroom. Don't they live in a mansion? I doubt the place only has one bathroom. Plus the guys can go pee outside.

Bart tells Kristy she looks hot, and comments on the buttload of snow outside. Kristy tries to call the other members of the BSC, and finds out that Jessi is stuck at her dance school, Claudia spent the night at the Perkinses', Mallory and Mary Anne were at the Pike's, and no one knew where Stacey was. Oh noes!

No mention of Bart again, and a few days later the editor of the Stoneybrook News calls Kristy and says that she'd like the club's submissions of what they all did during the blizzard. I am so sure. Thye compile a letter and send it in, and Karen adds at the end that she found her dirty rat; David Michael had "ratnapped" her. Shut up, Karen.

Claudia: Claudia is babysitting for Myriah, Gabbie, and Laura Perkins. I have always disliked them. When the snow starts, Mr. and Mrs. Perkins call and say that they tried to come home, but the roads were too bad and they had to turn around and go back to their friends' house. Claudia basically has no choice but to stay with the girls. They can't find their dog Chewy, who I adore, but then they locate him in the basement. The lights go out and the girls are all scared and then they all go to bed and wake up in the morning and their parents come home. It was all quite boring, trust me.

Stacey: Stacey and her mom go to Washington Mall so Stacey can get a new perm. I love this storyline already. Unfortunately they don't buy any stirrup pants or jumpsuits, and instead try to go home as the storm starts right after Stacey's perm is done. Mrs. McGill decides to take the back roads instead of the highway, because she is a complete dumbass, and is soon unable to see anything in front of her. She stupidly stops the car so she can try to wait it out, and is shocked when she tries to move it again and the tires are buried underneath the snow. Dumb. Ass.

So they sit in the car with the heater on, until it suddenly goes out. Mrs. McGill realizes that they run out of gas. There's no one around, so they're stranded. There'd be people on the highway that Mrs. McGill had pulled off of, but she had to think that the back roads were safer. Mrs. McGill starts freaking out because Stacey has diabetes (oh wow, I completely forgot!) and needs to eat and inject her insulin. Stacey calms her down by showing her the insulin injection kit she always carries with herself and a snack that she had packed. Just then, there's a knock on the window. It's some strange guy and he asks if their car has broken down. Here's your sign! He tells them that his home is a few houses down and that they are welcome to stay with him, his wife, and his baby son. Stacey doesn't want to go off with a stranger at first, but after hearing there was a baby she decides that it's okay. Because mass murderers don't have babies, see?

They go back t the guy's house, and everything is perfectly normal. The guy's wife fixes Stacey a special diabetes dinner, and Stacey reads to the baby. Everything is cool, and the next day they call Triple A and get the car started and go home.

Jessi: Jessi is all pissed that the snow is all white, and deems it to be racist. Just kidding! Jessi is at a dress rehearsal for the Nutcracker at her dance school, and Quint is coming from New York to see the show and to go to the upcoming dance with her. Side note: remember the Quints dolls? I had the potty training set, so every time I read Quint's name I think of five peeing dolls. I don't know.

So the snow starts, no parents can make it to pick up anyone, and Jessi is worried about Quint being stranded at the train station. She comforts some little kids while they all pass out cookies and ramen, and Quint suddenly shows up. He says that he figured Jessi's dad couldn't make it out to get him, so he asked someone from the train station for directions to the dance school and walked. How come Quint, who isn't even from Stoneybrook, could walk to a dance school he's never seen but Bart couldn't walk a few houses down to his own house? Dumb!

They get all the little kids to sleep and Jessi says she's starving but the thought of more slimy ramen makes her sick. Wait until you get to college, Jessi. Plus, she's not really in the position to be picky, and she's lucky that the dance school even has any food. Bitch.

They all ake up the next day and the restaurant across the street gives them free breakfast and then Jessi's dad and the other parents come and they all go home.

Dawn: Dawn and her mom set out to the airport to pick up her brother Jeff, who is flying in from California. Their parents must have some sweet frequent flyer miles, because Dawn and Jeff are always flying back and forth. The snow starts on their way to the airport, but they make it there. They find out that Jeff's flight has been re-routed to Washington, D.C. because of the snow, and spend the night in the airport. The next day the plane finally arrives, and Jeff is fine, having stayed the night in a hotel that the stewardesses made sure he got to. They go home.

Mary Anne and my goddess, Mallory: Mr. and Mrs. Pike are taking a trip to New York, and Mary Anne is staying two nights (on school nights) to help Mallory control all the monsters. I'm surprised Richard agreed to this. Someone call Mary Anne's grandma and get her on the first plane to Iowa, this girl is out of control! Anyway, the Pikes gave Mallory a buttload of cash for all their hundreds of children to buy lunch at school, as they only have enough for breakfast and dinner each night. Mrs. Pike should've had the courtesy to go grocery shopping. What are the kids going to do without bologna and Daddy Stew? The kids give each other the Bizzer Sign (!) and Mr. and Mrs. Pike gratefully escape. Should've used a condom, suckers!

Poor Mary Anne has to sleep in Mallory and Vanessa's room. I bet Mallory farts in her sleep. I'm just sayin'. She looks like she rips some nasty ones.

So of course they get stuck in the house and there's hardly any food. Since there's no power, they decide to let the kids eat all the ice cream and shit that would spoil without refrigeration. The next day Logan comes over on his cross country skis with a backpack full of food. Mary Anne's hero! Also, I appreciate the sentiment, but is a packpack really going to feed all of the ravenous Pikes and Mary Anne? Byron, the fat kid, could eat all of that, and the bag, by himself. The Pikes eventually come home, and Mary Anne escapes to her fart and bologna free house.

The girls, and Quint and Logan, have a BSC meeting and Mallory admits that she is very nosy and periodically checks her backyard to see if Stacey is in her house. If she wasn't already winning the Queen of Lameness, this would be the reason to vote for her. The dance hasn't been cancelled, and everyone goes and fun is had by all, including Mallory and Ben, who do red haired people things.

Since the Super Specials have pictures inside, I chose some of my favorites.

Kristy has tight rolled pants AND a scrunchie! The kids all look kind of retarded, and Bart is totes a girl. No wonder Kristy likes him.

Check out the ugly boy in the glasses (not Mallory).

Jeff's face looks weird. I think it's because his head is so misshapen.

No way the contents of that teeny backpack could feed Byron.

Mary Anne needs to wax those brows stat. Mallory is a huge beast girl, but what I'm most distracted by is the child below her. Is that a boy or a girl? And who is it? Nicky has glasses (and I think Vanessa does too) and Margo wouldn't be that much bigger from the other child who I'm guessing is Claire. Ugly genderless mystery child, who are you?

Have you guys ever seen that Playtex bra commercial? They totally look like old lady bras, and this one chick is pulling stuff out of hers and she finds a gummy bear. She looks at it like she'd eat it if the cameras weren't on her, and I laugh every time.

Sweet Valley Twins #12 Keeping Secrets

Holy craptastic book, this one's awful. Let me begin by saying that I haven't read many Sweet Valley Twins books (which is why this is filed under SVH), as my school library didn't have any and my local (one town over) library at the time hadn't let people in my town get a card. So, by the time I was able to get a library card, I was too old for Sweet Valley Twins, and I've only read about 30 of them or so, if that. I just picked this one up off of the discard shelf, and it only reaffirmed my belief that SVH > SVT.

This piece of trash starts off with our 12 year old twins at home after school, waiting for their father to get home. Apparently he is taking them out to dinner because their mom is working late, and he has a surprise for them. The twins mock Steven, who is doing his laundry and minding his own business, and I wonder why Ned is such a sucky dad that he can't take his only son out, too. Is it not bad enough that Steven cries himself to sleep at night because he was a single birth with brown hair and is bigger than a perfect size 6? Why you gotta playa hate, Ned?

Anyway, Ned comes home and creepily tells the twins that he has a big surprise for them when they get to the restaurant. I bet it's in his pants. He basically ignores Steven, too, who mumbles something about meeting the guys at the Dairi Burger, and takes the twins out.

At Guido's Pizza, Ned tells the twins that now they're old enough to keep a secret, a secret he had as a 12 year old, and he wants to share it with them. If this was a V.C. Andrews book, we'd know where it would be heading, but alas, Ned just has some stupid secret language to teach them. The language is called Ithig, and consists of saying "ithig" after every syllable, and before one syllable words. It's hella dumb, and they go back on their own rules by saying stuff like "th-ithig-ink" and "w-ithig-ill." Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't "think" and "will" one syllable words? Ned's dumb.

Ned tells the twins that the language will be a special thing between the three of them, and that they must not tell others about it. So Steven didn't get to learn this when he was 12? Ned's a dick. Caroline Pearce, Sweet Valley's gossipy redhead comes in and overhears the twins and Ned conversing in Ithig. Ruh-roh!

The next day at school, Caroline has already spread it around that the twins have a secret and Lila is fucking pissed! Jessica and Elizabeth say they promised not to tell anyone, and Jessica is excommunicated from the Church of Lila, while Amy Sutton throws a hissy fit. I liked slutty SVH Amy way better then annoying Elizabeth tagalong Amy. At lunch Amy is sitting in Jessica's spot at the Unicorn Club's table, so she's forced to sit with her loser sister. When the twins arrive at home Steven tells them about this kickass party at Lila's that he was invited to. Apparently some famous tennis star is going to be there. I wonder why Steven is invited to a 12 year old's party in the first place, but I'm glad he was included. I was really concerned for his well-being, what with his deadbeat dad. The twins say that they're not going to the party.

The next day at school Elizabeth finds out Amy was invited to the party too, and is pissed because she says that Amy doesn't even like Lila. Neither do you, Hypocrite McAssface. She becomes even more pissed after school when she finds a letter from Lila to Jessica inviting her to the party...written in Ithig! Elizabeth is pissed that Jessica told Lila, but Jessica says she told because she was tired of being ostracized, except she doesn't use that word because she's not talking about ostriches. I kind of have to agree with Jessica here, as I think it was completely retarded of Ned to make them promise not to tell their friends about the secret language. What fun is it if you can't share it with your friends? I'm completely convinced Ned only wanted the twins to know so he could talk dirty to them in front of other people.

Lila's celebrity party day! Jessica and Steven go, but Elizabeth stays home, saying she's going to write a story. Elizabeth is hella lame, vote for her! After the party Jessica tells her what a winderful time they had, and Elizabeth basically acts like an asshole because the only reason Jessica got to go was because she told Lila about Ithig. Shut up, Elizabeth. Amy calls and tells Elizabeth that she still won't talk to herbecause she's all pissed that Jessica could tell Lila, but Elizabeth couldn't tell her. Elizabeth tries to tell her that she made a promise, but Amy isn't having any of that. Grow up, Amy. Amy says she already learned the stupid language from Lila, and basically gives Elizabeth the finger. Well, I wish she did anyway.

Pretty soon the whole sixth grade is speaking in Ithig. Elizabeth is surprised at everyone's ability, but I'm not. If Jessica could pick it up, anyone can. Their music teacher is out because his wife had a baby, so they have a substitute. The boys steal Lila's purse while the sub, Ms. McDonald, has her back turned, and toss it around the room. Lila gets up to go get it, as it is probably Chanel, and Ms. McDonald turns around and yells at her for being out of her seat. Well, no one talks to Lila like that, so the class all starts speaking Ithig and makes the teacher cry in confusion. Bitch shouldn't have yelled at Lila!

So Lila is still pissed about getting yelled at, and she and her classmates form a plan. Ms. McDonald is going to be evaluated by a school board rep observing in the classroom, and Lila says they should all speak in Ithig so that she gets fired. Lila's out for blood! Elizabeth is now faced with the decision to break her promise to her father, or tell Ms. McDonald how to speak Ithig and save her job. What the fuck, Elizabeth, it's not much of a secret any more, so why is there even a decision? Dumbass.

Elizabeth eventually decides to tell Ms. McDonald, who thanks her for letting her know, but tells her that after hearing the language all day she picked up on how to speak it. Elizabeth is surprised, and attributes Ms. McDonald's smartz to having an ear for music, which extends to picking up languages. Again, Elizabeth, if Jessica could pick it up, why can't everyone? Ugh.

So the school board rep is there at the next class as promised, and Ms. McDonald asks a question and is answered in Ithig. She replies in Ithig, and the class is shocked! Ms. McDonald explains to the school board rep that the sixth graders have a special language and that she'd teach it to him but it's the sixth graders' secret. This earns the students' respect, all except for Lila's. After the class smoothly goes by, Lila demands in the hall who squealed. I'd suspect Elizabeth immediately, but Lila just rants and raves and threatens whoever did it. Easy there, killer!

The book ends with a dumb cliffhanger about how one of the twins' friend's mom is getting married. Remember the cliffhangers of the old SVH books (pre-Margo)? I loved those things.

Can I just say that my boyfriend rules, because he not only supports this blog, but he drove me to a thrift store by him and helped me hunt for books. Thanks to him, I got a shitload of BSC and a few other random ones, so this blog shall go strong for a long time! I did not pick up any of the SVT books there, however, because this one and the only one I had owned as a child, Elizabeth's New Hero, have turned me off of this series. Oh well, there's always SVH to remind me how awesome the Sweet Valley universe can be!

Jessica is totally checking out Elizabeth's lack of boobs, Elizabeth looks stoned, and Caroline looks like a man. No wonder the twins forgot to be mad at her for telling Lila and Amy about Ithig.

Friday, January 25, 2008


I have a new header! It was the first time I ever used Photoshop (which is why it looks all bad, haha), and it took me a few hours to make, and I'm pretty proud of myself for not having to read any tutorials or anything. I just clicked on shit and found out what it did. Screw directions!

When I finally got sick of working on it, I decided I was done. Then I put it on here, and it looked awful with those totes hids default colors, so I changed them to some sweet neon colors. Don't want people thinking I'm a poser. Plus, I figured that since my LJ and MySpace and stuff are done in those colors, might as well keep them. I fear change, but I'm feeling this.

Anyway, I'm at my bf's for the weekend, and though I brought such a large amount of teen books it's embarrassing, he doesn't have a scanner so if I update tonight or tomorrow (can't be sure of it because he's addicted to WoW) I won't be able to put cover images in until I'm at home on Sunday. I like to give a heads up.

Also, if you have any requests for anything, leave a comment and let me know. I foolishly gave away all of my childhood books a few years ago (except for BSC and SVH), so let me know if there's something you'd like, and I'll see if my shitty library has it. I'm always looking for new books to read too, so if there's something cool I should know about, tell me!

One week left until we crown our Queen of Lameness! Get those votes in, or else Mallory is going to cream everyone!

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Man I'm sad

You know you're a nerd when your Art History teacher says, "Leonardo, Michaelangelo, and Raphael were..." and the first answer that pops into your mind is "ninja turtles."

Also nerdy: when shown a painting by Andrew Wyeth, you remind yourself that he's not related to Ashley, followed by the reminder that Ashley's a FICTIONAL CHARACTER.

And finally, the guy in front of me has the hairiest neck I have ever seen in my life, and I totes got "Thriller" stuck in my head. I'm sick, lol.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Girly stuff

While Googling Dream Phone to avoid trying to search for the game in our basement closet, I came across an article slamming all of my favorite childhood things.

Dream Phone, Mall Madness, Pretty Pretty Princess, Barbie, Fashion Plates, the L'il Sweetheart trike...I had them all. I don't feel that playing with girly things made me any less of a woman. In fact, when I was little, I absolutely refused to touch anything that wasn't pink (preferably neon, of course). I did have my brother's old primary colored trike, but I didn't want that shit. I wanted the pink and purple one with the heart stickers and the seat that lifted up (I kept sand in there. I don't know, I liked sand.). The only coloring books I liked were Barbie ones (I enjoyed coloring their lipstick for some reason, so all of my old coloring books just had the lips colored and nothing else), and Fashion Plates fucking rocked.

I just get so mad when people say that the girly toys aren't encouraging little girls to become strong women, and that we should have gender neutral toys. Some strong little girls don't want gender neutral toys. You can bet I would've looked at you like wtf if you had handed 7 year old me a toy that wasn't the least bit girly. I'm not saying that all the little girls' toys out there now are perfect, and maybe there are some that enforce gender stereotypes, but damn it, I liked dresses, pink spandex pants, big floppy hairbows made of shoelaces, and shopping in Mall Madness, and I'm doing just fine, thanks.

What about the flip side? Would these authors go into the little boys' toy aisles and comment on the fire and destruction decoration? Should the little boys be made to play with something pink so that gender stereotypes won't be enforced?

Maybe I'm just tired and reading too much into this, but I think my parents and teachers taught me to be strong, while my toys had little or no effect. They were just amusement.

And as an added note, Dream Phone totally teaches the process of elimination. So there.

Wait Till Helen Comes

Wow. I remember liking this book a lot when I was younger, but I didn't remember much about it. Now that I've finished it, I'm 99% sure that the author, Mary Downing Hahn, was having an affair with R.L. Stine, because this reads just like a Goosebumps novel (and if you've forgotten how Goosebumps books were set up, please check out the link on the right). Since the first Goosebumps book was written in 1992 (according to Amazon, anyway), and this was written in 1986, I can only guess that R.L. Stine gave Mary Downing Hahn some hot lovin' and then blackmailed her into letting him use this book as the general format of his wildly popular series, or else he'd tell Mr. Hahn about the steamy sex. See, R.L. Stine was sick of working on Eureka's Castle, and wanted to make a living in trying to scare children and teenagers and...I'm reading too much into this, aren't I?

Anyway, the book opens like any Goosebumps book in that a mother is telling her two children that she and their new stepfather bought a house in the middle of nowhere in Maryland and they shall all be moving from their Baltimore home soon. The two children are Molly, age 12, and Michael, age 10. Their stepfather, Dave, also has a child, 7 year old Heather. Bitch is crazy. For real. The book is labeled as a ghost story, but I prefer to believe it's more about a 7 year old's journey into complete and utter madness.

So some background info is given, Molly likes to read, and writes poetry. She thankfully does not speak in rhyme. Michael is a science nerd, mostly interested in natural science, and has a collection of dead bugs and all sorts of other weird shit. He speaks so maturely that he's pretty much the Dawson's Creek version of a 10 year old. Dave and Jean, Michael and Molly's mom, are both artists. Dave is a sculptor and Jean is a painter. They married some time after Jean's husband left her and Dave's wife died in a mysterious fire. Heather was only 3 when the fire occurred, and was rescued unharmed from it. I'd feel bad for her if she wasn't a total bitch all the time. Seriously, take all of the unlikeable qualities from our nominees for Queen of Lameness, and multiply them by 8000, and you get Heather. Here are some examples to illustrate my point:

-She refuses to answer anything Jean says to her, and never lets her hug her or anything
-She has openly said that she hates Jean, Michael, and Molly
-She tells lies that Michael and Molly are teasing her so that she can try to drive her father and Jean apart
-Molly let her play with her old Barbies that she was saving to someday pass along to her own children, and Heather chopped off all the hair and tore all the clothes
-Molly made her paper dolls, and she tore off all the heads and threw them on the floor in front of Molly

Those are just a few that I can think of. As a psych major, it's very obvious to see that she feels guilt for her mother's death, and has a horrible case of depression, but Dave doesn't believe in psychiatric help, and claims that psychiatrists only mess with people's heads and make them worse. I don't feel bad for him when his only biological child turns out to be a raving lunatic.

So the family moves into an old church that had been renovated into a small house. They are about a mile from any neighbors, and a few miles from the nearest town. However, located near their property are the half-burned ruins of an old house, a pond, and a graveyard. The 3 kids go visit the graveyard caretaker, and Heather finds a grave under a tree that the caretaker has missed, since it was half-buried by weeds. I thought his job was to make sure the weeds were all gone? He sucks. Anyway, the gravestone has the initials of a 7 year old child with the same initials as Heather that died in 1886, which would make her birth and death years exactly 100 years older than Heather's birth year and the current year of the book. Head hurt? That's because Coincidence and Foreshadowing just beat you with a stick.

The caretaker warns the children to stay away from this particular grave, since it hasn't been cleared and there may be snakes and poison ivy. He tries to pull Heather away, but she basically says, "Whateva! I do what I want!" and takes off. She sucks. I totally would've smacked the sass right out of her by now, but Molly and Michael just choose to ignore her.

Molly runs out to find her brother one day, but stops at the graveyard when she sees Heather talking apparently to herself. Heather yells at her to leave, and says that she's going to make Molly sorry for spying on her, and that Helen is going to come after her. Molly is all like, who the fuck is Helen, and Heather tells her that Helen is the little girl whose grave they found, and proceeds to give her full name, which I forget. She also shows Molly a locket with her initials and Helen's initials on it, and says that Helen gave it to her and that she hates Molly as much as Heather does and is going to make her sorry for ever hurting Heather. First of all, Molly never hurt Heather, and second, bitch is about at a Britney Spears level of craziness. Molly runs off and finds her brother and tells him what Crazy McPsycho said, but he dismisses it as just Heather's way of trying to scare Molly.

So after countless pages of Heather running off, Molly finding her, Heather telling her that Helen will make her sorry, Heather telling Dave that Molly was spying on her, Dave yelling at Molly, and Michael telling Molly that there's no such thing as ghosts and not to listen to Heather, Michael and Molly set off one day for the not-so-local town library. In it, the library tells them the history of the half-burned house. She says that the little girl, Helen, her mother, and her stepfather lived in it, and a mysterious fire happened and only Helen survived. She also says that Helen shortly afterward walked into the pond and drowned, and that many people believe that any deaths involving the pond were because Helen haunted it. Ouch, there's that Coincidence and Foreshadowing again!

Michael and Molly ride home, and are greeted by accusations from Dave that they dragged Heather out into the woods and left her there. In reality, Heather basically told them to fuck off and ran in the woods to hide from them, and then Michael and Molly decided to go to the library. The whole family gets into a fight, with Dave yelling at Michael and Molly, Jean yelling at Dave for yelling at her children, and Heather sitting back and watching everything while laughing. Dave takes Heather into his van and storms off, while Jean blames the fight on Michael and Molly and runs off to take a walk and be by herself. This family is messed up, yo.

After awhile, Jean returns, and then Dave and Heather (with an ice cream cone for Heather), and they all go to bed. Molly, who shares a room with Heather, hears Heather get up and sneak outside through their window. She follows, and finds Heather in the graveyard talking to a ghost, which she actually sees for the first time. Molly runs back home and gets back into bed, frightened. She pretends to be asleep and Heather comes home and whispers in her ear that Helen is going to make her pay. Psht, and Dave thought a psychiatrist would mess with Heather's head, she's already insane! Molly runs to her brother's room, wakes him up, and tells him everything she saw. He tells her there's no such thing as ghosts, and takes her outside to prove that Heather couldn't have climbed back in through their window. Just as they find an overturned box that Heather must have used to boost herself up to the window, Heather screams that Michael and Molly are spying on her, and Dave comes in all pissed. Why would a 10 and a 12 year old spy on a sleeping 7 year old? I mean, seriously, is Dave retarded? Can he not connect the dots and see that Heather is lying? Apparently not, because another argument insues, and it's all the same old crap. If you're sick of reading the same old argument again and again in this condensed form, trying reading the book.

Jean and Dave go into town or something for the day, taking Heather with because Dave says that he's sick of Molly and Michael bothering her. I'm sick of reading about your post-traumatic-stress-ridden daughter, Dave, so go for it. Molly and Michael go have a picnic by the pond, and return to the house. Before they walk inside, however, they hear crashes coming from within. Thinking there's a burglar, they run to the end of their road to wait for Dave, Jean, and Psycho. When their van pulls up, Dave cautiously leads them into the house. There they discover that everything of Molly, Michael, and Jean's has been completely ruined, while Heather and Dave's shit is untouched. They call the cops, who chalk it up to just random vandals, since nothing has been stolen. Molly swears she can see a message from Helen written on the wall, but when she tries to tell someone it fades away. Heather tells her later when they're alone that she told Molly she'd pay.

After this, Molly makes a promise to herself that she'll watch Heather at all times. A few days later, Dave and Jean go off to Baltimore to try to replace some of Jean's ruined art supplies. Heather is under strict orders to stay in the house, but naturally as soon as her father is gone she disappears. Molly remembers her promise to herself and goes off to find her. She finds Heather at the pond, talking to Helen. Helen is telling her that no one loves her like she does, and that Heather must come into the pond with her so they can be together forever. Heather starts to go, and Molly tries to run to save her. However, a sudden sheet of rain blocks Heather from her view, and Molly only sees the empty pond. After some searching, she finds Heather's body, gives her mouth to mouth, and revives her. Heather is half being a snot, half being a frightened child upon awakening, and Molly takes her to the half burned house to dry off a bit, as the rain is coming down really hard and their house is too far away. In the abandoned house, Helen is waiting for them. She rants and raves and pushes them into a hole in the floor. In this hole, Molly finds the skeletons of Helen's parents, and is appropriately freaked out. Heather, also freaked out, confesses to Molly that she started the fire that killed her mother by playing with the stove and then hiding from her mother for fear of getting punished. Her mother died looking for her. Heather says if she tells her dad he won't love her any more, and Molly assures her that he still will. All of this could have come out during therapy and saved the family years of tension. I'm looking at you, Dave.

Helen floats down the hole and apologizes to the skeletons, saying that she didn't mean to start the fire. All of a sudden her mother's ghost emerges, hugs her, forgives her, and they float away. Coincidence and Foreshadowing smack us once more. Dave, Jean, and Michael finally come looking for Molly and Heather, and Dave pulls them up from the hole. Michael spots some of the bones down there and wants to examine them for a science project. Jean is appropriately horrified, and tells him no and that they'll call the police and inform them. Heather says that the skeletons are Helen's parents, and that they need to be buried next to her. They all agree with the crazy ass 7 year old, and go home.

A few days later, the town buries the skeletons next to Helen's grave, remove her crappy gravestone, and give her one with her full name and everything on it, along with stones for her mother and stepfather. Heather starts acting like a human being to everyone, showing signs of affection and not telling lies about Michael and Molly to get them in trouble. At Molly's urging, Heather tells her father about the start of the fire, and he forgives her and says he still loves her. She hugs Molly for being right, and the book ends.

Crazy ass Heather totes has a mullet.

Teeny Update

First off, sorry my posting is so erratic. I guess the only thing I can say as far as a set update schedule is that I will try to post every day, but Wednesday and Thursday I have night classes, so it's pretty certain I won't be able to update then. Also, I may lag on the weekends.

Second, I changed the end of our poll for Queen of Lameness to February 1, so that it won't drag on and on. I'm thinking I may do a different poll each month, but I could change my mind, who knows.

Third, most of my posts for a bit will be about books, because I took out a bunch from the library and I want to post about them before I have to return them, lol. Also, our Queen of Lameness will have a special post on February 1, with a book that demonstrates their lameness to the best of their ability.

Big shout-out to the Full House blog linked on the right for mentioning here, thanks a million!

And finally, I have a few more pages to go on my next book, and then I will be posting a real update, so keep checking!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Gymnasts #1 The Beginners

Ever since I was little, I have loved watching the gymnastics competitions on TV. I remember my best friend when I was in grade school and I playing gymnasts on my swingset. So, I was thrilled when a box of old books arrived from my cousins containing 8 Gymnasts books. I totally loved them, and now wish that I hadn't given mine away. What the hell is wrong with me?

Anyway, my crappy library still had a few of this series left, so I decided to start at the first one. This book isn't as great as the rest of them because it's mostly just introducing the characters, but there's still some bitchy Becky tricks. Awesome.

So, this book is narrated by Lauren Baca, and opens with her in the car being driven to her first gymnastics class by her best friend Cindi Jockett's older brother. Lauren informs us that Cindi's whole family is athletic, but that she (Lauren) isn't really. She says that she and Cindi used to take gymnastics lessons together, but she worried she wouldn't be good enough so she quit. Lauren also claims that everything is a proven fact. I don't know how I feel about Lauren, she's kind of annoying, but not too bad. Lauren describes herself as short and not skinny, but not fat, more muscular. She has her hair in a short pixie cut. Cindi, however, is really tall, which sucks for a gymnast. Haha, for once my lack of height would come in handy for a sport!

Blah blah, they arrive and the place looks like a total secret child molester factory, being that it's a dilapidated old warehouse. They meet a tall black girl named Darlene in the front. Lauren describes Darlene's hair as really short on one side, but long on the other. Hawt! Darlene is also wearing purple lipstick and nailpolish. It's a proven fact that she might look like she got in a fight with some grape juice, but Lauren thinks she looks sophisticated. Uh-oh, Ann M. Martin's favorite word!

Anyway, they go and change and Lauren is wearing by far the sexiest leotard ever, no joke. It's pink with gold and green butterflies, but Lauren describes them as not sweet little butterflies but "giant flying insects parading across her chest." Super sexy! It's a proven fact that I love giant flying insects on my boobies! Not.

So the trio comes out of the locker room and immediately get a video camera shoved in their faces. If you think that sucks, wait until you read about the biotch on the other side. That biotch would be Becky, who is really pretty, really awesome at gymnastics, and a complete asshat. I can totally picture Becky as having bitchface. Indeed, it's a proven fact that Becky has bitchface. Also, her last name is Dyson, and I totally picture a vacuum cleaner every time. Hee.

The girls meet the fourth member of their team, a girl named Jodi whose mother is the other gymnastics coach there. It's a proven fact that nepotism will get Jodi on the team. Eh, maybe, not, Jodi's supposed to be good but just has no control. It's a proven fact that Jodi has some attention issues, as she feels she basically needs an engraved invitation when Lauren invites the other girls to her house later on.

Patrick, their coach, sounds pretty hot. It's a proven fact that I'd hit that. He tests the girls on their abilities, and Lauren sucks, but Patrick thinks she has potential. He forms the four girls in one team, which he calls the Pinecones, because they're the lowest level at the Evergreen Gymnastics Academy. It's a proven fact that the name is half clever, half dumb.

At a different practice a few weeks later, Becky hands Lauren a tape she made of all the times she messed up. Becky sucks. Lauren turns it around on her, though, by telling Becky it was a great learning experience and making all of Becky's friends jealous. It's a proven fact that Lauren kind of rocked there. Darlene confesses in private to the other Pinecones that her father is some fictional famous football player and he uses tapes of his mistakes to learn from all the time.

The Pinecones work harder, and soon it's time for their first exhibition for their parents, showcasing what they know. They'll also be evaluated and given scores by judges. Becky the ho tells Lauren to bends her arms during the vault and to use lots of chalk. It's a proven fact that bending your arms will not propel you over the vault and that lots of chalk dust will cause you to slide. Lauren doesn't fall for the first one, but does for the second. She slides and totally crashes. I'd kick Becky in the face, but Lauren just gets up and does her second vault awesomely. I guess that's good revenge, too, but a kick in the face is sometimes necessary. Lauren does get Becky back by putting tons of chalk dust on her hands and slapping Becky on the ass of her green leotard right before she has to perform. It's a proven fact that now everyone knows Lauren groped Becky, but they all laugh because of the chalk mark instead. Becky slips on her ass, and I laugh.

Front cover. From left: Jodi, Darlene, Cindi, and Lauren. Cindi has some massive side ponytail, man. She is rocking that thing. Darlene's hair looks all the same length to me, which is disappointing. Lauren is totes Cindy Williams.

I guess what looked on the front cover as a half ponytail on Jodi is really just a super perky full ponytail. Also, she's pretty stacked for an 11 year old. Cindi looks way ugly in the face, and has something weird going on with her vag. Lauren looks about 5, and has some weird ass bumps all over her body. She should get that shit checked out, yo.

Sorry the spacing's messed up on this, Blogger's being dumb.

Library fun!

So, I had my mom drop me off at our library yesterday (I can't drive until March because I had a seizure, which sucks so bad), and in between avoiding the new librarian who happens to be this bitch who dated my friend, I snuck into the kid's room and got tons of new stuff, including a few Gymnasts books! I'm so excited that they still had those (our library is really small, so they have the habit of getting rid of all the old books to make room for new ones, so all of the Girl Talk books are gone, but don't worry, I still have a few of mine), that I am going to save the Dream Phone boys for a while and write up about the Pinecones. It will probably take me like 20 minutes to read it, so look for a new post def by tonight. Pinecones 4-ever!

Thursday, January 17, 2008


OMG you guys, I was watching Full House today and guess who was a guest star? Sharon Cherski (real name: Devon Odessa)! I would love to do posts on episodes of My So-Called Life, but I just can't bring myself to snark on something that's so genuinely good. I had the same problem last night, I was going to read a Judy Blume book, but I couldn't find one to make fun of (I remembered about Forever today, so as soon as I find my copy I'm so posting, and I don't own Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret so I totes need to go to the library). But anyway, I was way excited about a MSCL cast member appearance that wasn't Angela or Brian Krakow, and the commercials I keep on seeing about a Bring It On marathon weekend on ABC Family. If there's no good Lifetime movies on, I'm so watching it all. I can't help it, I think I love bad movies and books more than good ones.

So, coming up soon: The good, the bad, and the ugly boys you can call on your Dream Phone, a ridiculous Girl Talk book, possibly some 80's Degrassi, a truly awful Full House Stephanie book, and the best 80's preteen anorexia book EVER.

Time for me to find my favorite Lip Smacker!