Tuesday, November 22, 2011

BSC #50 Dawn's Big Date

I was running all the BSC kids through my head, trying to find one I didn't find partially annoying and discovered that, to my knowledge, there is only one: Norman Hill. He is such a sad sack, and cracks me up. Enormous Hill! I vaguely recall him being mentioned in passing in another book. He was still fat. What I want to know is, why does Jamie Newton have to be in like every freaking book and Karen gets her own series, but Norman pretty much is contained to this book? Can you imagine if it had been Norman instead of Jamie when they were lost on that island? Haley would've been eaten. The first day. If Norman had gone to Florida instead of Karen, he would've charged a lobster dinner instead of a manicure to the room. Norman on the Krushers is like the fat kid from Little Giants, PBJ in his helmet and all. See what I mean, everything is way funnier with Norman around!

Also, this book is made of win because Dawn drops her hippie shit and pulls off some of the hottest fashions I have ever heard of in my life.

So it's New Year's Eve for probably the 90th time in Stoneybrook but the BSC members are still in 8th grade. Just go with it. Dawn and Mary Anne are having a sleepover and are planning what food to serve. Mary Anne wants mini pizzas and pigs-in-a-blanket, and Dawn wants healthy stuff. Healthy stuff can be good, but Dawn wants gross healthy stuff, like soybean pie. Beans do not a pie make. Unless it's a pot pie. Anyway, Mary Anne tells Dawn that Logan's hick cousin, Lewis, who Dawn has been writing to since #37, is going to come soon for a visit. Dawn is scared Lewis won't find her attractive. Well, you have all your teeth and you're not related to him, so you've got that going for you, Dawn.

Dawn and Mary Anne arrive one minute late to the BSC meeting, and Kristy has a cow. Claudia lightens the mood by bringing out a popcorn tin, which makes me love her even more. I fucking love popcorn tins! This is Chapter Two, so Dawn describes all the members and there's nothing of importance to note other than Stacey still has diabetes, Jessi's still black, and they book a job for a new client - the Hills!

New Year's Eve Party. How were they all not booked for jobs? We're supposed to believe that the parents of Stoneybrook can't stay home every other night of the year, but on the night when everyone goes out all of a sudden decide to be with their kids? I don't think so. Anyway, the club all arrives, and Stacey has a super chilly new cassette tape to show Mary Anne - Cam Geary Sings! I guess he's no Beibs, because he sucks ass. The girls make their resolutions, and Dawn silently resolves to get a man. Don't we all?

Time for Dawn to meet the Hills! I'm so excited! She describes Sarah as pretty and slim with a long neck, and Norman as fat. LOL Dawn. Norman says he has to do homework and lumbers off to his room. Sarah shows Dawn her room and then barges in on Norman, who is stuffing his face with Hostess. Dawn tells him to clean it up and to come play. They decide to watch The Little Mermaid, and Norman secretly eats Hershey Kisses the entire time. At one point during the movie, Dawn realizes he's not next to her and she finds him in the kitchen with a PBJ and a pile of Oreos. She says he'll spoil his dinner and he tells her they won't eat until 8. That is pretty late for a little kid, we always ate around 5 and my bed time was 9. Sarah's friend Elizabeth comes over and starts calling Norman Enormous Hill and Dawn doesn't find it half as amusing as I do, even though she is also thinking mean thoughts about Norman. Dawn's a hypocrite. Norman tells Dawn that if he doesn't drop 20 he has to go to fat camp this summer and he totes doesn't want to. Dawn really feels his pain when she looks outside and sees that Sarah and Elizabeth have made a fat snowman and written "Enormous Hill" in the snow.

You know, Norman's 7. I know it would suck for everyone to not have junk food in the house because of him, but really, if whoever did the grocery shopping didn't buy Oreos and peanut butter and cupcakes, then he wouldn't be tempted. I'm 26, and I know that if I buy potato chips I will sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives and eat the entire bag in one sitting and then feel bad about myself, so I don't buy them. If it's not there, I can't eat it. It's not like Norman can drive to Jewel or McDonald's and load up on crap. If the entire family hates that he's a fattypants, then they all have to make sacrifices.

Dawn gets home and contemplates her day. She is sad that Norman's life is so sad. If he stops being such a puss now, he'll prob be a football player in high school, just sayin'. Mary Anne comes running in the house and writes on the calendar that Lewis Bruno is arriving in a week. Dawn freaks because she doesn't think it's enough time to improve herself. She runs upstairs to go through some fashion mags, and Mary Anne decides to give her a makeover. Bowl cut for the win? Nope, just hot rollers and heavy makeup. Dawn makes a Flashdance sweatshirt and then they take a super sexual picture and mail it to Lewis. Hick boner!

Claudia gets the pleasure of sitting for the Hills. Does anyone else get that Natasha Bedingfield song in their head when they read that? Feel the rain on your skin! She's giving Sarah an art lesson when Norman arrives home from his after-school program. Snowballs and insults follow him, and he cries and goes to his room. Sarah goes outside to play with Elizabeth. After awhile, Norman sneaks downstairs and begins to eat away his feelings with Oreos. This book is making me hungry. Also tired. Norman tells Claudia that he has a friend named Teddy at school, and a pen pal named Brittany, who is totes his gf. Claudia doesn't believe him, because no one likes a fat kid. Teddy calls for Norman, proving Claudia half wrong, and while he's on the phone she finds a draft of a letter to Brittany. It talks about how awesome he was at fighting a school bully and she's really pretty but how his mom's camera is broken so he can't send her a picture. His school pic is lying right next to it. Claudia is sure Norman's fat ass will never send Brittany a pic, because he is fat. Fat.

Dawn contemplates what she should do for her new look. She Project Runways that shit up, and makes some more Flashdance sweatshirts, some ripped jeans, a skirt out of sweatpants, and takes in a bunch of other jeans to make them tighter. Hot! Plus, who knew she was so good at sewing? The BSC members, of course, do not like her new look. Those bitches hate change. I swear, the best way to guarantee a fight within the BSC is to get some highlights or some shit. They won't speak to you for a week. However, the Flashdance sweatshirts start making Dawn act like a total cooze, cracking her sugarfree bubblegum all over the place and generally pissing Kristy off. She defends her right to change herself if she damn well pleases, and when the meeting ends sends a super sexual postcard to Lewis about his hunky voice. Easy there, killer.

The Brunos, Mary Anne, and Dawn all go to LaGuardia to go pick up Lewis. Dawn has the hottest outfit ever on, and you know where she got it? Motherfucking Zingy's. What now, bitches? She's wearing black ballet slippers, black lace capri leggings, a short metallic silver tutu skirt, and a tight long sleeved black and white striped top. She is also wearing black rubber bangles, two long feather earrings in one ear, and black hoops in the two holes in the other ear. Guys, can we talk about this? I had to make a visual of it, it's so freaking hot:

Mary Anne asks Dawn if she wants to change her skirt and she says hell to the naw, that's the best part! Agreed. Mary Anne is totes stale. They pick up Lewis, and Dawn doesn't say much. Afterwards, Mary Anne yells at her for being lame. Let that one sit with you for awhile.

Stacey's turn to sit for Enormous Hill. Sarah is going to have a picnic with Elizabeth but Norman can't come because he's a lardass and needs to stick to his diet. Their mom hands Stacey a Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and tells them that it would be hot if Norman did that today. Norman, to his credit, does start doing it, and then says he needs a drink and lumbers off to the kitchen. He leaves the water running so long that Stacey goes in to investigate and finds him chowing down on potato chips. Norman's no dummy, he turned on the water to cover up the crunching sounds. Norman tells Stacey he eats when he's sad, and eating makes him feel happy. If he has these problems at 7, what the hell is he going to be like during puberty?

Dawn is freaking out getting ready for her double date with Lewis and Mary Anne and Logan. Mary Anne picks out her outfit, and for real, when did this bitch become Rachel Zoe? She chooses a plain black turtleneck and a jean skirt. Okay for school maybe, but not for a first date. Dawn rolls the skirt up a few inches, adds some hot tights and Zingy's boots, and puts on a buttload of makeup and hair gel. Now she's ready to rock! Except not, because the date sucks ass. They go to see Gone With the Wind, and her makeup smears all over the place when she cries. She tries to incorporate conversation tips from teen mags while talking to Lewis and ends up sounding like a rere. She spills popcorn all over the place while trying to do the reaching for popcorn at the same time and holding hands thing. Basically, it sucks butt.

Club meeting. Mary Anne and Dawn each retell the date in their own way, angrily. Kristy is over it, and wants to get down to club business. Dawn is wearing my favorite hairstyle of her "rebel" phase: tons of braids that she unbraided up to her chin so the top half is still braided and the bottom is all frizzed out. They try to come up with ways to help Norman without butting into the Hills' lives too much. Like that's ever stopped them before.

Mary Anne's turn to babysit Norman and Sarah. Sarah is acting like a little cooze, telling Mary Anne that they can't use the exercise tape she brought because Norman has a special one for fat boys. Then she starts drawing fat kid pics and putting them up on the fridge. Norman grows a pair and rips them up in front of her. Sarah gets pissed, but Mary Anne just tells her to stop drawing such mean pics. She realizes that Norman's family pushes him around just like she's been pushing Dawn around with Lewis.

Dawn decides to get Lewis alone for some hot hick lovin'. He confesses that he liked the pic of her without all the crap on her face and the non-Flashdance sweatshirt better. She tells him to come back in an hour, and takes out her hot half brand, half frizz hairstyle, puts on a shitty sweatshirt and jeans, and makes some gross health food. This time, they hit it off. All because she was herself!

After dinner Mary Anne and Dawn talk it out. Dawn felt Mary Anne was pushing her to be someone she wasn't, with all the teen mag conversation tips and shit. Mary Anne agrees, they make up, and all is good. The next day or some shit, they all go out bowling and to a health food restaurant, and everything is perfect. Lewis kisses Dawn, and she's in heaven.

The book ends with Dawn sitting for Norman again. Sarah bursts in, fresh from a fight with Elizabeth. This time, she got pissed because Elizabeth called Norman Enormous Hill again, so she pushed her ass in some snow. Norman also asks Dawn to take a Polaroid of himself to send to Brittany. He's explained to her that even though he's a fattypants now, he won't be by the summer because his mom quit buying junk food (about time). He also is pretending to be like Stacey and staying away from junk food because if he eats it it will make him sick. We end on a hopeful note, with Norman excited about the possibility about not being a lardo any more, and Dawn giddy about Lewis. Too bad we never hear if Norman lost the chub or not. Did his parents send him away to Wellspring or something?

Dawn is so over it. I don't know why, because Lewis is pretty hot. I'd hit it. Mary Anne has an unfortunate case of rosacea going on.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

BSC #4 Mary Anne Saves the Day

This post is brought to you by much vodka. Drunk blogging for the win! I was all like, oh man I want to update my blog and wandered into my room to go find a book. This was sitting on top of my box of books and I screamed out YES and ran back to the computer. God, I love BSC. Say hello to my friends, indeed.

Is this one of the best BSC books or what? Maybe it's because I have a black heart, but the ones where they have fights are always the best, and in this one they all fight! My perfect BSC book would consist of a mega fight, descriptions of Claudia's clothes on every other page, Little Pete (not Jackie Rodowsky), Laine, Karen being hit by a bus, Stacey's diabetes being cured so I'd never have to hear about it again, Daddy Stew, Enormous Hill, Cam Geary, the Bizzer Sign, and a pizza toast. It would be a Super Special with a neon pink glitter cover. Ann M. Martin - MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Snappleaddict's Super Chilly and Distant Special. Hot.

This fine ass piece of literature opens up with Mary Anne and Kristy meeting up to go to a BSC meeting. Since this book is old as hell, Kristy's mom hasn't yet become a Real Housewife of Stoneybrook, and they're still living next door, and across the street from Claudia. There are only three other BSC members to talk about, which doesn't really warrant the traditional Chapter Two format, so Mary Anne sums them up right then and there, which I appreciate. The meeting goes on, and everything goes fine until Mrs. Newton calls and asks for a sitter for Jamie and Lucy, who is still a newborn. Kristy answers, and accepts without offering the job around. Everyone in the club was free that night, and a gigantic fight about job-hogging ensues. Apparently Claudia also forgets to offer a lot of jobs around, which they all remind her of. Somehow Stacey gets involved and calls Claudia a stuck-up job hog, Kristy a bossy know it all, and Mary Anne a shy little baby. Mary Anne defends herself for once and calls Stacey a conceited snob, Claudia a stuck-up job hog, and Kristy the biggest, bossiest, know it all in the world, and then leaves. I blame Mrs. Newton.

Mary Anne runs home crying, and has to start dinner for her dad. Richard comes home, and I swear, it is like the most awkward dinner ever. Mary Anne sucks butt because of him. Seriously, is Mary Anne anyone's favorite BSC member? He's consistently correcting her grammar and manners and just generally being a lame ass. Come on, Richard, let her say the word gross. I promise it won't be a gateway into tattoos, marijuana, Logan's lovechild, and green hair. Thank God Dawn's mom came around and got this man laid. Anyway, Mary Anne finishes dinner and escapes to her room, which she proclaims she hates. It's decorated like a big baby's, in colors she hates. and she can't do anything about it because Richard is a hard ass. Mary Anne reflects on her fight with Kristy, and plans on signalling that she's sorry to her with their secret flashlight code. Kristy, however, keeps her windowshade down all night. Ho.

The next day, the fight is still on between all the girls. Mary Anne writes apology notes to all of them, but in the end the only one that is actually sincere is the one for Claudia. She decides to give it to her at lunch. Ah, lunch. Now here's the predicament: Mary Anne always sits with Kristy and the Shillaber twins. When she arrives in the lunchroom, Kristy is being a ho and there's def no way she can sit with them. So she sits by herself, until a new girl with long pale blonde hair asks if she can sit with her. It's Dawn, fresh in from California! Dawn assumes Mary Anne is new, too, but Mary Anne lies and says all her friends are just absent. They have a grand old time, and Kristy fumes. Mary Anne realizes later that she forgot to give the note to Claudia.

The next day is a Wednesday, which means it's a club meeting day. Mary Anne decides to head over to Kristy's house to see what's up. David Michael answers the door and then Kristy slams it in her face. Trick. School isn't much better, with Stacey and Claudia still fighting too. Mary Anne decides to hang out at Dawn's after school, and we get our first description of the farmhouse and Sharon's unorganized ass, who is putting photos in a photo album instead of unpacking. Priorities - Sharon's got them. Dawn and Mary Anne watch The Parent Trap (non-Lohan version) and Mary Anne leaves, nervous about the BSC meeting that awaits her. I love how impressed they are by Dawn having a VCR. Oh, 80s.

Meeting time. Kristy doesn't show up. The bitches fight over jobs and have to draw names out of a hat, and then fight over that. They leave without saying a word to each other, but Mary Anne gives Mimi her note to give to Claudia. She calls her after she gets home and they semi-make up. They discuss what to do about Kristy, and Mary Anne decides to try to talk to her the next day at school and see if she still wants to be a part of the BSC or not. Because that will go well.

School. Kristy is being a rude ass little trick. There's really no other way to put it. She claims that the club members should've called her every time a job came in and offered it to her, and that she doesn't need to show up to meetings because it's her club. You are acting like a cheer-tator, Kristy, and a total pain in the ass! Kristy decides that every day one club member will man the meetings and take calls, offer the jobs around that she can't take, and that way they won't have to be by each other. Lame.

Mary Anne mans a meeting by herself, and takes a job for the Prezziosos, who at this time are fairly new clients. She arrives there two days later and Jenny is dressed in a white frilly lace dress and has hair ribbons and all sorts of inappropriate shit for a 4 year old. How does she stay clean ever, my 3 year old nephew is dirty approximately 5 seconds after we dress him. Anyway, Jenny can't stay clean either, because dumbass Mary Anne lets her play with a paint with water book from her Kid-Kit and she spills all over her dress. Mary Anne - lie to her and tell her it doesn't work, duh. She's 4, she doesn't know any better. My nephew told me he wanted Skittles once and I told them they were dog food. What's he going to do, argue with me? Mary Anne manages to get the stain out of the dress before the Prezziosos come home, and is relieved.

Mary Anne grows a pair and decides to confront her father about some shit. She wants to be able to stay out until 10 for baby-sitting, redecorate her room, dress how she wants, and take her hair out of braids. I never understood the braids thing. What the hell did Richard think would happen if she wore a headband? Slut City? I kind of love Richard. Remember when he and Sharon first got married and Dawn wanted to piss him off so she unorganized his sock drawer? Anyway, he isn't open to Mary Anne's requests, and she gets pissed and calls him her jailer. He sends her to her room. I think she should just pull a Stephanie Kaye and start changing into some sexy spandex clothes at school. All the way with Mary A!

The next day Mary Anne pays a visit to Mimi to discuss her lame ass dad. Mimi tells her the same crap everyone does, about how it's not easy for Richard to be raising her alone and blah blah blah. Lots of people are single parents. She calls her "my Mary Anne" and Claudia comes in and hears and shits her technicolor pants in anger. The fight between them is back on!

Meeting. Mary Anne is manning it, and Claudia is being an a-hole and playing music super loud so she can't hear anyone on the phone. Mimi finally comes in and takes Claudia downstairs for tea so she quits being a ho. Mary Anne has to call Kristy twice to offer her jobs, and Kristy acts like a little bitch. Seriously, I would not want these immature tricks watching my newborn. Mrs. Newton, who started all this shit anyway, calls and books the entire club for Jamie's fourth birthday party. For some retarded reason beyond me, they all agree to go. They can't even stand to be in the same room for half an hour for club meetings, but they'll go to Jamie's birthday party. Mrs. Newton seriously loves to start shit, am I right?

A few days later Kristy and Mary Anne have to sit for the 3 million Pikes. They end up playing Telephone all night so they never have to speak to one another, and it's hella lame. The Pikes take their sweet ass time coming home, and Mary Anne starts panicking because she'll be out past her curfew. I'm sure if she just called Richard and was like, yo, I'm still here waiting for them and they're not home yet, but I'm okay and not out getting wasted and stuff, he'd be fine. But no, instead she freaks out and as soon as the Pikes walk in the door makes them drive her home. Kristy calls her a baby.

When Mary Anne arrives home Richard is naturally waiting for her, because it's a few minutes past nine. He's actually pretty cool about it, though, and says things come up and next time just call if she thinks she might be a little late (told you!). Mary Anne brings up the point that it would be a lot easier on everyone if she could just stay out until at least 9:30 on the weekdays and Richard is like hell to the naw. Shot down yet again!

Mary Anne decides the next day to end the fight with Kristy once and for all, because it's dumb as hell. Word. Dawn comes over and they go through Richard's old yearbooks to see if he knew Sharon and discover that they were totes doing it in high school. I wonder if Richard organized his sock drawer back then too.

The next day or whatever, Mary Anne goes to babysit Jenny again. The Prezziosos are going to a basketball game an hour away. Jenny is being a trick as usual and refuses to do anything but scream. That child seriously needs a good beating. She falls asleep while Mary Anne is reading her a story and Mary Anne realizes she is super hot. She takes her temperature and discovers she has a fever of 104. Mary Anne begins calling everyone - Jenny's doctor, the Pikes, the next-door neighbors, and her father, but no one is home. She doesn't want to call the other members of the BSC, so she calls Dawn. Sharon's not home to help, either, but Dawn comes over and tells her to call 911 to see what to do. The dispatcher tells her little kids often run really high temps and it can mean nothing, but Jenny should be looked at anyway. Since Mary Anne can't drive and no one is home, an ambulance is sent on its way.

Turns out Jenny has strep throat. Her parents arrive a little while later, having been paged over the PA at the gymnasium to go home and head to the hospital. It's weird to think of a time before cell phones, right? They pay Mary Anne and Dawn 10 dollars each for taking care of Jenny and handling the situation so well, which Mary Anne is impressed with but I am not. Mary Anne invites Dawn over to look at photo albums and see if they can find any pics of Richard and Sharon together. She totes puts on a show of laughing with Dawn in her room because Kristy is watching from her room (creepy!) and Dawn catches her and gets pissed. She leaves and Mary Anne cries because now she for real has no friends.

Mary Anne is super preoccupied during dinner and really doesn't feel like hanging out with Richard. They're interrupted by a phone call from the Prezziosos, in which Mrs. Prezzioso tells Richard in a hurry how proud of Mary Anne she is and basically Richard is all like, the fuck? Mary Anne tells him afterwards what happened with Jenny and he realizes that she isn't a little kid any more and agrees to extend her baby-sitting hours to 9:30 on weekdays and 10 on weekends. Mary Anne pushes her luck, and runs upstairs, takes out her braids, and then asks Richard how she looks. Instead of saying "Like a common whore!" like I thought, he says she looks lovely and agrees to let her hair flow freely in the wind, and she can also redecorate her room. Richard? Totally jerked off before coming home from work that night.

Jamie's party. That bitch Mrs. Newton is there so we know it's going to suck. Also, I've never liked Jamie. I think he's supposed to be cute or something, but he just annoys the shit out of me with his hi-hi crap. Anyway, the club members argue all throughout the party, culminating in Mary Anne pouring punch in Kristy's lap, Claudia flinging a wet napkin at Stacey, and Stacey smushing a napkin in Claudia's face. Jamie starts to cry, and Mrs. Newton is pissed. Mary Anne apologizes for everyone, and tells the rest of the club members that there is an emergency meeting of the BSC after the party, and their trick asses had better be there. Do you guys always read "emergency meeting" with the same sense of urgency that I do? I love it.

EMERGENCY MEETING. No one really remembers why they're mad or who they're mad at, so they all count to three and apologize at the same time. It's all super lame, but a fuck of a lot better then reading about them sticking their tongues out at each other every few pages.

Mary Anne finally gets the story from Richard on what went down with him and Sharon. They dated in high school, but broke up because Sharon's dad (aka Pop-Pop) didn't think Richard was good enough for her. She moved to California, they both married other people, and the rest is history. Mary Anne calls Dawn and tells her the news. They freak out and then she decides to call Kristy to see if Dawn can be in the BSC.

Richard has been invaded by space aliens or something, because he decides to let Mary Anne have a BSC party. She also invites Dawn, and Sharon drops her off. Richard wastes no time in asking that hot piece of unorganized ass out, and she accepts. The girls are hella excited. The club members all arrive, and meet Dawn. Mary Anne tells them how great she was with Jenny and shit, and she doesn't have to go through any written tests or anything like Mallory did, because she's in. The BSC is now a five member club, and they have a pizza toast to celebrate!

Do you guys think Sharon gave it up on the first date? I do.

Ah, the classic cover. Mary Anne looks about 9, and Jenny is the fuggest child I have ever seen in my life. Both of them have some unfortunate bangs situations going on.

And the new cover. Do not tell me for one second that Richard let Mary Anne out of the house in a skirt hiked up all the way to her jay. No way in hell.