Sweet Valley Confidential...What?

So I can tell you what Francine Pascal was doing in the 20 or so years since the first SVH book was released, sure as hell not picking up any book with the words Sweet Valley in the title and reading it.

Now I admit, I haven't read all the books myself. I've probably read the majority of SVH, a good chunk of SVU, all the Sagas, and a few SVT, SVK, and Junior High (no Senior Year or Elizabeth series). Still, I could own the f-ing CREATOR in a game of Sweet Valley trivia, because she doesn't even know Lila's father's name! It's GEORGE, not RICHARD! I threw the book across the room after that one.

I was confused as hell throughout this entire book. First of all, they're pretending the whole Elizabeth series never happened, while still ripping it off. Okay. Second, it just jumped right into the story, making you feel like you were missing something. I had to Google to see if I should've read the Elizabeth series or the last SVU novels to understand what the hell was going on. Nope, that's how the book was written. Plus, I was so unnerved by all the sex and swearing. I don't want to hear about Elizabeth's orgasms, that's gross. I especially don't want to read about Todd watching porn. Ew. I mean, okay, they're adults now, but damn it, if Jessica could date 90% of SVH and we're supposed to believe she didn't sleep around, then let me believe they still don't!

Now for the spoilers.

I don't buy the character changes. Bruce, a good guy who is in love with his best friend, ELIZABETH (book thrown)? Steven married to Cara (I thought he knocked up Billie in SVU and they got married, someone please clarify this for me), then Steven being gay? Winston supposedly an asshole, though we're never shown him, then unceremoniously killed off (supposedly he fell from a balcony, I think Margo came back and pushed him)? Todd and Jessica, doing it since SVU? Olivia Davidson not mentioned in the dead list in the epilogue?

There is one good thing about Sweet Valley Confidential. 1BRUCE1 is alive and well.