Sunday, October 23, 2011

BSC VHS #3 Stacey's Big Break

Damn I've been busy and neglectful. I'm terrible. So here you go, a real update!

We open up with the first few bars of the theme song, and I already feel myself start to perk up (note to self: make this a ringtone NOW). The BSC is picking up some pizzas and looking at fashion mags along the way. I'm already in love with this episode, because I know I can squeeze in numerous Top Model references. The theme song commences, and I sit on my bed and sing along, as I always do. And this, my friends, is why I don't have a boyfriend.

BSC meeting. Stacey comes in a minute late and doesn't get yelled at by Kristy. I CALL SHENANIGANS! Anyway, with a flip of her extra frizzed out hair, she informs the others that a friend of her mom's called and asked her to model at Bellair's. Mallory isn't wearing glasses. WTF is with the continuity here? Kristy is shitting bricks about how the BSC is putting on the play Snow White and it hasn't been cast yet. Broadway is surely weeping over the loss. Stacey says that it's Tuesday and she needs to collect dues, and now it's my turn to shit bricks, because hello? BSC meetings are on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and dues are collected on Mondays! I demand a rewrite. The phone rings and OMG, it's the Bellair's modelling rep wanting to take Stacey's pictures next Tuesday! I'm so sure. Like she'd really call the BSC number. Stacey frets over what to wear and do with her hair, and Mary Anne says her hair is her best feature. I piss myself laughing because it looks like something crawled up and died on that girl's head. If that's her best feature, then I'd hate to see her worst.

The next day or something Stacey is babysitting Charlotte. Charlotte kind of sucks. I know she's supposed to be all shy and sweet and stuff, but I always just wanted to tell her to man up. Anyway, Stacey is reading her Snow White, and I think you know where this is going. I predict she'll talk her into playing the part of Snow White but be so busy with her modelling career that she won't be able to help her learn her lines. Man, I'm awesome. Stacey's hair is in a braid that is as fat as her thigh. Complete with scrunchies. Plural.

The BSC is giving Stacey fashion advice on what to wear for her meeting at Bellair's. Won't they give her clothes? Also, why did they invite Mallory? And Kristy? And Mary Anne? I'd basically only let Claudia and Dawn there. They decide on a super sexy dark purple blazer and white button down, buttoned all the way up, with some totally hot flowered spandex pants and her hair in a stylish banana clip. Mallory says she looks fabulous. Take it off, Stacey!

Apparently cheap ass Bellair's is making her wear her own shit, because she's mugging in front of the camera in that very same outfit. The photographer says she has natural talent and that the camera loves her. Stacey preens and primps and soaks up the compliments.

Then there's another photo scene outside where some random little girl is staring at Stacey. It's kind of creepy. Stacey is wearing a big purple beret, because that's how we did it in the early 90's. I also had one. It matched my Gitano coat. So I can't make fun of her too much, I guess. Well, yeah I can. She looks like a dweeb.

OMG LITTLE PETE! Kristy is trying to hold a rehearsal for their play. Charlotte isn't cooperating because Stacey isn't there. Apparently all the other 6 members of the BSC aren't good enough. Kristy says Stacey better show up to the next rehearsal or else there may not be a show. I'm sure you're really in jeopardy of losing that Tony, Kristy.

Modelling shit. An agent or someone compliments Stacey on how well she wears clothes. She's wearing a butt-ugly dress. Stacey smiles and never says thank you. Then she yawns and the agent says she better keep her strength up. I'm surprised she hasn't mentioned her diabetes.

Montage! Stacey models outside in an outfit I totally had in 1992 - a blue polka dot top and lime green shorts. Shut up. Then she rollerblades in a sporty outfit, except I guess she can't rollerblade. Throughout all this, she kind of looks like a shitty model. She's not even looking at the camera, or even going anywhere near it, for that matter. Also, the photographer seems super creepy. I'm just saying, if I was Stacey's mom, I'd be asking for some credentials. I'm pretty sure he can't be around any parks or schools.

Pizza with the BSC. They want all the deets on Stacey's modelling career, but she's too tired. She bitches about how she had to wear shorts outside in the cold, and then she denies herself pizza because she says the agent lady says she's too fat and needs to lose ten pounds. Tyra had to wear a bikini in Antarctica while eating nothing but celery and lemon water for eight months straight and jogging 18 miles on a permanent incline on her treadmill on 2 hours of sleep and you know what? SHE TURNED OUT A FIERCE PICTURE AND NEVER COMPLAINED! That's Miss Banks, if you're nasty.

Stacey sees Charlotte at the pizza parlor, and Charlotte totes freezes her out. I didn't know she had it in her! Stacey tells her she'll work with her on Saturday on her part for the play, but Charlotte tells her in a newly acquired Jersey accent not to bother because Dawn is now her helper. Stacey is sad. She goes back to the BSC and stuffs her face with a piece of pizza. Eat those feelings, Stacey!

Runway show! I guess the pictures were just for a competition and this is it. Now it's the face-off, kind of like the stomp of death at the end of every Top Model season. I watch so much Top Model that I permanently stomp around everywhere like I'm on a runway, even though I'm 5 feet tall, a size 7, and hideously deformed. Don't take away my dreams! Anyway, the winner gets a bunch of shit, including a trip to Hollywood. And the winner is...Stacey McGill! The BSC congratulates her, but can't stay for the celebration party because they have to rehearse for Snow White. Stacey says she'll for sure be at the performance tomorrow afternoon. We'll see.

Dress rehearsal. Charlotte is whining that she wants Stacey, and I want to duct tape her mouth shut. Little Pete is being awesome, Kristy is being a bossy trick, and surprise surprise, Stacey doesn't show up.

Model shit. Some little girl is running around and Stacey calms her down. Her mom says she must have a lot of siblings, and of course, Stacey says nope, she's part of the Baby-sitters Club! The mom is like, the hell you say? Stacey plugs the club hardcore until she's called into the agent lady's office. Agent lady gives her some commercial lines to read and Stacey says she has to be somewhere by 4. Agent lady's like, um no, you're doing your commercial then. Stacey flat out tells her that the BSC is putting on a play and she needs to be there. The agent lady tries to explain to her that she will get a lot of exposure from the commercial and from winning the contest, but Stacey refuses, saying the BSC is the most important thing to her. Agent lady hands her her beret. No freakout? Tyra would be disappointed.

Future Tony Award winning play. Not. It goes about as you'd expect. Stacey comes and saves the day and Charlotte doesn't forget her lines. Everything is perfect and hugs and grins are given all around. Charlotte needs some Crest WhiteStrips.

Stacey informs the BSC she quit modelling, and the theme song plays. Hahaha, the wardrobe was provided by Gitano! I told you!

So who wants to do karaoke with me and sing the BSC theme song? I must say I am wailing it out pretty impressively.

Apparently the site I used for screencaps is down, so I can't get any, sorry! I'll try to find a way.


Faff said...

Wow I didnt even know there was a tv show of BSC, must not have been in high demand in Scotland...I did have a huge laugh at your description of it, love the way you write, must go and find pictures of it now! :)

Fear Street said...

Don't leave us again!

Tess said...

The best part is when Kristy plays the prince. Oh, God, it kills me every time.