Sunday, November 20, 2011

BSC #4 Mary Anne Saves the Day

This post is brought to you by much vodka. Drunk blogging for the win! I was all like, oh man I want to update my blog and wandered into my room to go find a book. This was sitting on top of my box of books and I screamed out YES and ran back to the computer. God, I love BSC. Say hello to my friends, indeed.

Is this one of the best BSC books or what? Maybe it's because I have a black heart, but the ones where they have fights are always the best, and in this one they all fight! My perfect BSC book would consist of a mega fight, descriptions of Claudia's clothes on every other page, Little Pete (not Jackie Rodowsky), Laine, Karen being hit by a bus, Stacey's diabetes being cured so I'd never have to hear about it again, Daddy Stew, Enormous Hill, Cam Geary, the Bizzer Sign, and a pizza toast. It would be a Super Special with a neon pink glitter cover. Ann M. Martin - MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Snappleaddict's Super Chilly and Distant Special. Hot.

This fine ass piece of literature opens up with Mary Anne and Kristy meeting up to go to a BSC meeting. Since this book is old as hell, Kristy's mom hasn't yet become a Real Housewife of Stoneybrook, and they're still living next door, and across the street from Claudia. There are only three other BSC members to talk about, which doesn't really warrant the traditional Chapter Two format, so Mary Anne sums them up right then and there, which I appreciate. The meeting goes on, and everything goes fine until Mrs. Newton calls and asks for a sitter for Jamie and Lucy, who is still a newborn. Kristy answers, and accepts without offering the job around. Everyone in the club was free that night, and a gigantic fight about job-hogging ensues. Apparently Claudia also forgets to offer a lot of jobs around, which they all remind her of. Somehow Stacey gets involved and calls Claudia a stuck-up job hog, Kristy a bossy know it all, and Mary Anne a shy little baby. Mary Anne defends herself for once and calls Stacey a conceited snob, Claudia a stuck-up job hog, and Kristy the biggest, bossiest, know it all in the world, and then leaves. I blame Mrs. Newton.

Mary Anne runs home crying, and has to start dinner for her dad. Richard comes home, and I swear, it is like the most awkward dinner ever. Mary Anne sucks butt because of him. Seriously, is Mary Anne anyone's favorite BSC member? He's consistently correcting her grammar and manners and just generally being a lame ass. Come on, Richard, let her say the word gross. I promise it won't be a gateway into tattoos, marijuana, Logan's lovechild, and green hair. Thank God Dawn's mom came around and got this man laid. Anyway, Mary Anne finishes dinner and escapes to her room, which she proclaims she hates. It's decorated like a big baby's, in colors she hates. and she can't do anything about it because Richard is a hard ass. Mary Anne reflects on her fight with Kristy, and plans on signalling that she's sorry to her with their secret flashlight code. Kristy, however, keeps her windowshade down all night. Ho.

The next day, the fight is still on between all the girls. Mary Anne writes apology notes to all of them, but in the end the only one that is actually sincere is the one for Claudia. She decides to give it to her at lunch. Ah, lunch. Now here's the predicament: Mary Anne always sits with Kristy and the Shillaber twins. When she arrives in the lunchroom, Kristy is being a ho and there's def no way she can sit with them. So she sits by herself, until a new girl with long pale blonde hair asks if she can sit with her. It's Dawn, fresh in from California! Dawn assumes Mary Anne is new, too, but Mary Anne lies and says all her friends are just absent. They have a grand old time, and Kristy fumes. Mary Anne realizes later that she forgot to give the note to Claudia.

The next day is a Wednesday, which means it's a club meeting day. Mary Anne decides to head over to Kristy's house to see what's up. David Michael answers the door and then Kristy slams it in her face. Trick. School isn't much better, with Stacey and Claudia still fighting too. Mary Anne decides to hang out at Dawn's after school, and we get our first description of the farmhouse and Sharon's unorganized ass, who is putting photos in a photo album instead of unpacking. Priorities - Sharon's got them. Dawn and Mary Anne watch The Parent Trap (non-Lohan version) and Mary Anne leaves, nervous about the BSC meeting that awaits her. I love how impressed they are by Dawn having a VCR. Oh, 80s.

Meeting time. Kristy doesn't show up. The bitches fight over jobs and have to draw names out of a hat, and then fight over that. They leave without saying a word to each other, but Mary Anne gives Mimi her note to give to Claudia. She calls her after she gets home and they semi-make up. They discuss what to do about Kristy, and Mary Anne decides to try to talk to her the next day at school and see if she still wants to be a part of the BSC or not. Because that will go well.

School. Kristy is being a rude ass little trick. There's really no other way to put it. She claims that the club members should've called her every time a job came in and offered it to her, and that she doesn't need to show up to meetings because it's her club. You are acting like a cheer-tator, Kristy, and a total pain in the ass! Kristy decides that every day one club member will man the meetings and take calls, offer the jobs around that she can't take, and that way they won't have to be by each other. Lame.

Mary Anne mans a meeting by herself, and takes a job for the Prezziosos, who at this time are fairly new clients. She arrives there two days later and Jenny is dressed in a white frilly lace dress and has hair ribbons and all sorts of inappropriate shit for a 4 year old. How does she stay clean ever, my 3 year old nephew is dirty approximately 5 seconds after we dress him. Anyway, Jenny can't stay clean either, because dumbass Mary Anne lets her play with a paint with water book from her Kid-Kit and she spills all over her dress. Mary Anne - lie to her and tell her it doesn't work, duh. She's 4, she doesn't know any better. My nephew told me he wanted Skittles once and I told them they were dog food. What's he going to do, argue with me? Mary Anne manages to get the stain out of the dress before the Prezziosos come home, and is relieved.

Mary Anne grows a pair and decides to confront her father about some shit. She wants to be able to stay out until 10 for baby-sitting, redecorate her room, dress how she wants, and take her hair out of braids. I never understood the braids thing. What the hell did Richard think would happen if she wore a headband? Slut City? I kind of love Richard. Remember when he and Sharon first got married and Dawn wanted to piss him off so she unorganized his sock drawer? Anyway, he isn't open to Mary Anne's requests, and she gets pissed and calls him her jailer. He sends her to her room. I think she should just pull a Stephanie Kaye and start changing into some sexy spandex clothes at school. All the way with Mary A!

The next day Mary Anne pays a visit to Mimi to discuss her lame ass dad. Mimi tells her the same crap everyone does, about how it's not easy for Richard to be raising her alone and blah blah blah. Lots of people are single parents. She calls her "my Mary Anne" and Claudia comes in and hears and shits her technicolor pants in anger. The fight between them is back on!

Meeting. Mary Anne is manning it, and Claudia is being an a-hole and playing music super loud so she can't hear anyone on the phone. Mimi finally comes in and takes Claudia downstairs for tea so she quits being a ho. Mary Anne has to call Kristy twice to offer her jobs, and Kristy acts like a little bitch. Seriously, I would not want these immature tricks watching my newborn. Mrs. Newton, who started all this shit anyway, calls and books the entire club for Jamie's fourth birthday party. For some retarded reason beyond me, they all agree to go. They can't even stand to be in the same room for half an hour for club meetings, but they'll go to Jamie's birthday party. Mrs. Newton seriously loves to start shit, am I right?

A few days later Kristy and Mary Anne have to sit for the 3 million Pikes. They end up playing Telephone all night so they never have to speak to one another, and it's hella lame. The Pikes take their sweet ass time coming home, and Mary Anne starts panicking because she'll be out past her curfew. I'm sure if she just called Richard and was like, yo, I'm still here waiting for them and they're not home yet, but I'm okay and not out getting wasted and stuff, he'd be fine. But no, instead she freaks out and as soon as the Pikes walk in the door makes them drive her home. Kristy calls her a baby.

When Mary Anne arrives home Richard is naturally waiting for her, because it's a few minutes past nine. He's actually pretty cool about it, though, and says things come up and next time just call if she thinks she might be a little late (told you!). Mary Anne brings up the point that it would be a lot easier on everyone if she could just stay out until at least 9:30 on the weekdays and Richard is like hell to the naw. Shot down yet again!

Mary Anne decides the next day to end the fight with Kristy once and for all, because it's dumb as hell. Word. Dawn comes over and they go through Richard's old yearbooks to see if he knew Sharon and discover that they were totes doing it in high school. I wonder if Richard organized his sock drawer back then too.

The next day or whatever, Mary Anne goes to babysit Jenny again. The Prezziosos are going to a basketball game an hour away. Jenny is being a trick as usual and refuses to do anything but scream. That child seriously needs a good beating. She falls asleep while Mary Anne is reading her a story and Mary Anne realizes she is super hot. She takes her temperature and discovers she has a fever of 104. Mary Anne begins calling everyone - Jenny's doctor, the Pikes, the next-door neighbors, and her father, but no one is home. She doesn't want to call the other members of the BSC, so she calls Dawn. Sharon's not home to help, either, but Dawn comes over and tells her to call 911 to see what to do. The dispatcher tells her little kids often run really high temps and it can mean nothing, but Jenny should be looked at anyway. Since Mary Anne can't drive and no one is home, an ambulance is sent on its way.

Turns out Jenny has strep throat. Her parents arrive a little while later, having been paged over the PA at the gymnasium to go home and head to the hospital. It's weird to think of a time before cell phones, right? They pay Mary Anne and Dawn 10 dollars each for taking care of Jenny and handling the situation so well, which Mary Anne is impressed with but I am not. Mary Anne invites Dawn over to look at photo albums and see if they can find any pics of Richard and Sharon together. She totes puts on a show of laughing with Dawn in her room because Kristy is watching from her room (creepy!) and Dawn catches her and gets pissed. She leaves and Mary Anne cries because now she for real has no friends.

Mary Anne is super preoccupied during dinner and really doesn't feel like hanging out with Richard. They're interrupted by a phone call from the Prezziosos, in which Mrs. Prezzioso tells Richard in a hurry how proud of Mary Anne she is and basically Richard is all like, the fuck? Mary Anne tells him afterwards what happened with Jenny and he realizes that she isn't a little kid any more and agrees to extend her baby-sitting hours to 9:30 on weekdays and 10 on weekends. Mary Anne pushes her luck, and runs upstairs, takes out her braids, and then asks Richard how she looks. Instead of saying "Like a common whore!" like I thought, he says she looks lovely and agrees to let her hair flow freely in the wind, and she can also redecorate her room. Richard? Totally jerked off before coming home from work that night.

Jamie's party. That bitch Mrs. Newton is there so we know it's going to suck. Also, I've never liked Jamie. I think he's supposed to be cute or something, but he just annoys the shit out of me with his hi-hi crap. Anyway, the club members argue all throughout the party, culminating in Mary Anne pouring punch in Kristy's lap, Claudia flinging a wet napkin at Stacey, and Stacey smushing a napkin in Claudia's face. Jamie starts to cry, and Mrs. Newton is pissed. Mary Anne apologizes for everyone, and tells the rest of the club members that there is an emergency meeting of the BSC after the party, and their trick asses had better be there. Do you guys always read "emergency meeting" with the same sense of urgency that I do? I love it.

EMERGENCY MEETING. No one really remembers why they're mad or who they're mad at, so they all count to three and apologize at the same time. It's all super lame, but a fuck of a lot better then reading about them sticking their tongues out at each other every few pages.

Mary Anne finally gets the story from Richard on what went down with him and Sharon. They dated in high school, but broke up because Sharon's dad (aka Pop-Pop) didn't think Richard was good enough for her. She moved to California, they both married other people, and the rest is history. Mary Anne calls Dawn and tells her the news. They freak out and then she decides to call Kristy to see if Dawn can be in the BSC.

Richard has been invaded by space aliens or something, because he decides to let Mary Anne have a BSC party. She also invites Dawn, and Sharon drops her off. Richard wastes no time in asking that hot piece of unorganized ass out, and she accepts. The girls are hella excited. The club members all arrive, and meet Dawn. Mary Anne tells them how great she was with Jenny and shit, and she doesn't have to go through any written tests or anything like Mallory did, because she's in. The BSC is now a five member club, and they have a pizza toast to celebrate!

Do you guys think Sharon gave it up on the first date? I do.

Ah, the classic cover. Mary Anne looks about 9, and Jenny is the fuggest child I have ever seen in my life. Both of them have some unfortunate bangs situations going on.

And the new cover. Do not tell me for one second that Richard let Mary Anne out of the house in a skirt hiked up all the way to her jay. No way in hell.

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