I was running all the BSC kids through my head, trying to find one I didn't find partially annoying and discovered that, to my knowledge, there is only one: Norman Hill. He is such a sad sack, and cracks me up. Enormous Hill! I vaguely recall him being mentioned in passing in another book. He was still fat. What I want to know is, why does Jamie Newton have to be in like every freaking book and Karen gets her own series, but Norman pretty much is contained to this book? Can you imagine if it had been Norman instead of Jamie when they were lost on that island? Haley would've been eaten. The first day. If Norman had gone to Florida instead of Karen, he would've charged a lobster dinner instead of a manicure to the room. Norman on the Krushers is like the fat kid from Little Giants, PBJ in his helmet and all. See what I mean, everything is way funnier with Norman around!
Also, this book is made of win because Dawn drops her hippie shit and pulls off some of the hottest fashions I have ever heard of in my life.
So it's New Year's Eve for probably the 90th time in Stoneybrook but the BSC members are still in 8th grade. Just go with it. Dawn and Mary Anne are having a sleepover and are planning what food to serve. Mary Anne wants mini pizzas and pigs-in-a-blanket, and Dawn wants healthy stuff. Healthy stuff can be good, but Dawn wants gross healthy stuff, like soybean pie. Beans do not a pie make. Unless it's a pot pie. Anyway, Mary Anne tells Dawn that Logan's hick cousin, Lewis, who Dawn has been writing to since #37, is going to come soon for a visit. Dawn is scared Lewis won't find her attractive. Well, you have all your teeth and you're not related to him, so you've got that going for you, Dawn.
Dawn and Mary Anne arrive one minute late to the BSC meeting, and Kristy has a cow. Claudia lightens the mood by bringing out a popcorn tin, which makes me love her even more. I fucking love popcorn tins! This is Chapter Two, so Dawn describes all the members and there's nothing of importance to note other than Stacey still has diabetes, Jessi's still black, and they book a job for a new client - the Hills!
New Year's Eve Party. How were they all not booked for jobs? We're supposed to believe that the parents of Stoneybrook can't stay home every other night of the year, but on the night when everyone goes out all of a sudden decide to be with their kids? I don't think so. Anyway, the club all arrives, and Stacey has a super chilly new cassette tape to show Mary Anne - Cam Geary Sings! I guess he's no Beibs, because he sucks ass. The girls make their resolutions, and Dawn silently resolves to get a man. Don't we all?
Time for Dawn to meet the Hills! I'm so excited! She describes Sarah as pretty and slim with a long neck, and Norman as fat. LOL Dawn. Norman says he has to do homework and lumbers off to his room. Sarah shows Dawn her room and then barges in on Norman, who is stuffing his face with Hostess. Dawn tells him to clean it up and to come play. They decide to watch The Little Mermaid, and Norman secretly eats Hershey Kisses the entire time. At one point during the movie, Dawn realizes he's not next to her and she finds him in the kitchen with a PBJ and a pile of Oreos. She says he'll spoil his dinner and he tells her they won't eat until 8. That is pretty late for a little kid, we always ate around 5 and my bed time was 9. Sarah's friend Elizabeth comes over and starts calling Norman Enormous Hill and Dawn doesn't find it half as amusing as I do, even though she is also thinking mean thoughts about Norman. Dawn's a hypocrite. Norman tells Dawn that if he doesn't drop 20 he has to go to fat camp this summer and he totes doesn't want to. Dawn really feels his pain when she looks outside and sees that Sarah and Elizabeth have made a fat snowman and written "Enormous Hill" in the snow.
You know, Norman's 7. I know it would suck for everyone to not have junk food in the house because of him, but really, if whoever did the grocery shopping didn't buy Oreos and peanut butter and cupcakes, then he wouldn't be tempted. I'm 26, and I know that if I buy potato chips I will sit on the couch and watch Real Housewives and eat the entire bag in one sitting and then feel bad about myself, so I don't buy them. If it's not there, I can't eat it. It's not like Norman can drive to Jewel or McDonald's and load up on crap. If the entire family hates that he's a fattypants, then they all have to make sacrifices.
Dawn gets home and contemplates her day. She is sad that Norman's life is so sad. If he stops being such a puss now, he'll prob be a football player in high school, just sayin'. Mary Anne comes running in the house and writes on the calendar that Lewis Bruno is arriving in a week. Dawn freaks because she doesn't think it's enough time to improve herself. She runs upstairs to go through some fashion mags, and Mary Anne decides to give her a makeover. Bowl cut for the win? Nope, just hot rollers and heavy makeup. Dawn makes a Flashdance sweatshirt and then they take a super sexual picture and mail it to Lewis. Hick boner!
Claudia gets the pleasure of sitting for the Hills. Does anyone else get that Natasha Bedingfield song in their head when they read that? Feel the rain on your skin! She's giving Sarah an art lesson when Norman arrives home from his after-school program. Snowballs and insults follow him, and he cries and goes to his room. Sarah goes outside to play with Elizabeth. After awhile, Norman sneaks downstairs and begins to eat away his feelings with Oreos. This book is making me hungry. Also tired. Norman tells Claudia that he has a friend named Teddy at school, and a pen pal named Brittany, who is totes his gf. Claudia doesn't believe him, because no one likes a fat kid. Teddy calls for Norman, proving Claudia half wrong, and while he's on the phone she finds a draft of a letter to Brittany. It talks about how awesome he was at fighting a school bully and she's really pretty but how his mom's camera is broken so he can't send her a picture. His school pic is lying right next to it. Claudia is sure Norman's fat ass will never send Brittany a pic, because he is fat. Fat.
Dawn contemplates what she should do for her new look. She Project Runways that shit up, and makes some more Flashdance sweatshirts, some ripped jeans, a skirt out of sweatpants, and takes in a bunch of other jeans to make them tighter. Hot! Plus, who knew she was so good at sewing? The BSC members, of course, do not like her new look. Those bitches hate change. I swear, the best way to guarantee a fight within the BSC is to get some highlights or some shit. They won't speak to you for a week. However, the Flashdance sweatshirts start making Dawn act like a total cooze, cracking her sugarfree bubblegum all over the place and generally pissing Kristy off. She defends her right to change herself if she damn well pleases, and when the meeting ends sends a super sexual postcard to Lewis about his hunky voice. Easy there, killer.
The Brunos, Mary Anne, and Dawn all go to LaGuardia to go pick up Lewis. Dawn has the hottest outfit ever on, and you know where she got it? Motherfucking Zingy's. What now, bitches? She's wearing black ballet slippers, black lace capri leggings, a short metallic silver tutu skirt, and a tight long sleeved black and white striped top. She is also wearing black rubber bangles, two long feather earrings in one ear, and black hoops in the two holes in the other ear. Guys, can we talk about this? I had to make a visual of it, it's so freaking hot:
Mary Anne asks Dawn if she wants to change her skirt and she says hell to the naw, that's the best part! Agreed. Mary Anne is totes stale. They pick up Lewis, and Dawn doesn't say much. Afterwards, Mary Anne yells at her for being lame. Let that one sit with you for awhile.
Stacey's turn to sit for Enormous Hill. Sarah is going to have a picnic with Elizabeth but Norman can't come because he's a lardass and needs to stick to his diet. Their mom hands Stacey a Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and tells them that it would be hot if Norman did that today. Norman, to his credit, does start doing it, and then says he needs a drink and lumbers off to the kitchen. He leaves the water running so long that Stacey goes in to investigate and finds him chowing down on potato chips. Norman's no dummy, he turned on the water to cover up the crunching sounds. Norman tells Stacey he eats when he's sad, and eating makes him feel happy. If he has these problems at 7, what the hell is he going to be like during puberty?
Dawn is freaking out getting ready for her double date with Lewis and Mary Anne and Logan. Mary Anne picks out her outfit, and for real, when did this bitch become Rachel Zoe? She chooses a plain black turtleneck and a jean skirt. Okay for school maybe, but not for a first date. Dawn rolls the skirt up a few inches, adds some hot tights and Zingy's boots, and puts on a buttload of makeup and hair gel. Now she's ready to rock! Except not, because the date sucks ass. They go to see Gone With the Wind, and her makeup smears all over the place when she cries. She tries to incorporate conversation tips from teen mags while talking to Lewis and ends up sounding like a rere. She spills popcorn all over the place while trying to do the reaching for popcorn at the same time and holding hands thing. Basically, it sucks butt.
Club meeting. Mary Anne and Dawn each retell the date in their own way, angrily. Kristy is over it, and wants to get down to club business. Dawn is wearing my favorite hairstyle of her "rebel" phase: tons of braids that she unbraided up to her chin so the top half is still braided and the bottom is all frizzed out. They try to come up with ways to help Norman without butting into the Hills' lives too much. Like that's ever stopped them before.
Mary Anne's turn to babysit Norman and Sarah. Sarah is acting like a little cooze, telling Mary Anne that they can't use the exercise tape she brought because Norman has a special one for fat boys. Then she starts drawing fat kid pics and putting them up on the fridge. Norman grows a pair and rips them up in front of her. Sarah gets pissed, but Mary Anne just tells her to stop drawing such mean pics. She realizes that Norman's family pushes him around just like she's been pushing Dawn around with Lewis.
Dawn decides to get Lewis alone for some hot hick lovin'. He confesses that he liked the pic of her without all the crap on her face and the non-Flashdance sweatshirt better. She tells him to come back in an hour, and takes out her hot half brand, half frizz hairstyle, puts on a shitty sweatshirt and jeans, and makes some gross health food. This time, they hit it off. All because she was herself!
After dinner Mary Anne and Dawn talk it out. Dawn felt Mary Anne was pushing her to be someone she wasn't, with all the teen mag conversation tips and shit. Mary Anne agrees, they make up, and all is good. The next day or some shit, they all go out bowling and to a health food restaurant, and everything is perfect. Lewis kisses Dawn, and she's in heaven.
The book ends with Dawn sitting for Norman again. Sarah bursts in, fresh from a fight with Elizabeth. This time, she got pissed because Elizabeth called Norman Enormous Hill again, so she pushed her ass in some snow. Norman also asks Dawn to take a Polaroid of himself to send to Brittany. He's explained to her that even though he's a fattypants now, he won't be by the summer because his mom quit buying junk food (about time). He also is pretending to be like Stacey and staying away from junk food because if he eats it it will make him sick. We end on a hopeful note, with Norman excited about the possibility about not being a lardo any more, and Dawn giddy about Lewis. Too bad we never hear if Norman lost the chub or not. Did his parents send him away to Wellspring or something?
Dawn is so over it. I don't know why, because Lewis is pretty hot. I'd hit it. Mary Anne has an unfortunate case of rosacea going on.