Monday, March 10, 2008

Girl Talk #3 The New You

This seems to be the GT book everyone remembers the most. I always remember The Winning Team the most because it centers around Sabrina and I love that ho. This one is about Allison, ugh. I'm falling asleep just typing her name. Sabrina should've so had her own spin-off series. In fact, I should add a picture of her to my banner because her outfit in The Winning Team epitomizes a walking highlighter. Man, I love her.

At least the cover of this book has a decent picture of Randy's spiky mullet. The spiky mullet should have a spin-off series, too.

The girls are having a sleepover in Sabrina's attic bedroom. I was always way jealous of her room. Sabrina is reading Belle, which I guess is like Seventeen or old-school YM (side note: I miss YM, and still have just about every copy from 1995-2000.). She reads about a modeling search and free makeover, and gets all excited. The magazine just happen to be coming to a mall near Acorn Falls! What are the chances? All the other girls just dismiss Sabrina's idea of showing up for it like she's stupid for even suggesting it. Lay off, bitches, Sabrina rules. In fact, she rules so much that the author started off the book with her, even though it's supposed to be about Allison. L.E. Blair/Katherine Applegate knows what'll sell. Katie thinks it'll be embarrassing, Randy's too butch, and Allison gives some excuse but I dozed off, sorry. I think it was something along the lines of, "I'm so lame and I read over 100 books last summer so I need to sit around and stare at a blank wall and congratulate myself on that." I paraphrased a bit. Sabrina pressures them by reading them their horoscopes and then trying to apply them to the situation. She had me at Aquarius. The other girls finally agree to go, but only if they bring just enough money for lunch so that there would be no way they'd get duped into buying something from the magazine. Allison needs extra convincing, because she says she doesn't want to be made over. Um, Allison? It's makeup, not a nose job. One time I had a free makeover at Macy's and they made me look like a baby prostitute, and you know what I did? Went home and washed it off. Trust me, it works. Allison finally says she'll go along just to watch. I would've just left her boring ass at home.

The girls put makeup an Allison and she freaks out about it. She's allergic to looking interesting! Sabrina reads about a hair mask and decides to do it. Unfortunately she didn't read the other ingredients that were continued on another page, and ends up with a gluey-like substance in hr hair. They spend the rest of their time getting it out, after Allison tries to figure out an antidote. She actually uses that word. Let's see, Allison, if you forgot to put olive oil in and you needed something slippery to get the shit out, how about using olive oil or conditioner? Look at that, I didn't even need my science book!

At school on Monday our favorite palindrome teacher asks Allison to write something for their school newspaper, and practically has to force her to do it. Even Ms. Staats is so over Allison's boringness. At lunch the caf is packed, and Stacy, B.Z., Eva, and Laurel are forced to sit with Randy, Katie, Sabrina, and Allison. Sabrina starts talking to Katie about the model thing, and Stacy flips her shit because she's going, too. Naturally. Stacy is sure she'll be picked, because she is 25, and Eva says there's no way any of the GT girls will be picked. Shut it, ho, Sabrina is a million times more awesome than you could ever hope to be. Eva makes fun of Allison for being tall, and, even though this was way before then, I know she has never seen an episode of America's Next Top Model, because models are supposed to be tall. Duh! Allison and Randy go off to science lab, and Allison starts going on about their lab and attributing parts of it to herself and Randy, and I just want to stick pins in my eyes because that would be more entertaining than this.

The girls get to the mall, and get in 4 different lines so that they'll have a better chance of being picked for the makeover and free shit. Allison spends her time trying to figure out a pattern to the lines, and I want to haul off and smack her. If it's a modeling search, they're not going to pick every 10th girls or something, they're going to pick every hottest girl! I guess Sabrina blinded them with her outfit or something, because her hot ass wasn't picked. Randy was turned away because the modeling search was for girls only and Katie wasn't picked, either. Only Allison was. Wonderful. I can barely contain my joy. Stacy and B.Z. got in, too, so at least there's that to look forward to.

Allison tries to swtich her ticket into the makeover section with one of the other girls, but the Belle Magazine rep yells at her and tells her to get going. Hahahaha! She's all scared and I'm so over it. It's fucking makeup, just shut your eyes and deal with it! The modeling agency people all flip their shit over her, because she's tall (told you, Eva), has nice thick hair, and excellent skin. In fact, the obvs gay hairdresser can't stop wetting his pants over her hair. I love him, kind of. I guess I love anyone compared to Allison. Except maybe Randy. The girls are all separated into groups for makeovers, and Allison, Stacy, and three other girls are asked if they would like to participate in the modeling campaign. Get this - their theme is diversity. There's a redhead, an Asian, a Black girl (they capitalized it in the book, not me), a 25 year old blonde (Stacy), and a Native American (Allison). They fill out some contact sheets and get sent off to their makeover shit. Allison talks to the firecrotch, whose name is Kelly O'Connor (Irish enough for ya?), but her modeling name is Kelly Kay. Allison realizes what time it is, and runs back to meet her friends. She says she secretly hopes she'll get the call to be in the agency's ad.

The next Monday at school Stacy is bragging about how her mom got the call from the agency during lunch time. Allison is sad because she thinks she won't get it. You dumbass, you haven't even been home yet to find out if there was a call or not. Sure enough, Allison's mom got a call, too. They have to go to a photo shoot at a local high school, and Mrs. Cloud will be driving Allison and Stacy, and Stacy's mom, who has it goin' on, will pick them up and drive them back home. Allison is worried about being in the same car and the same photo shoot with Stacy, but her mom offers her milk and cookies and she immediately feels better. I'd feel better, too.

Telephone Talk: Allison tells the other girls the news. It's all boring and lame.

Modeling day! Stacy acts all nice to Allison and her mom. I love that two-faced bitch. She even kind of apologizes for being a bitch, and Allison wonders if maybe Stacy is just like her on the inside. Don't count on it, she's a 25 year old seventh grader. Obviously she didn't read over 100 books last summer. The Black girl (again, they capitalized it), who is named Keisha, is also there. Allison gets the hottest makeover ever, and internally whines about it the whole time. Shut UP! The obvs gay hairdresser has her flip her head upside down and brush her hair and make it all big and fluffy, which she internally bitches about because it's not the way she normally does her hair. So? It's fucking brushing, not cutting. It'll be the same as it was before if you just brush it down again. Then she gets the makeup, which she says makes her feel like a circus clown. If this was panel at ANTM, Tyra would tell her all about how she once had to wear 8 pounds of makeup and 3 tons of hairspray and she could barely move and had to walk uphill on Mount Everest in an avalanche with 120 degree fever the day after her father died to get to the shoot, but she still worked it and came out with a fierce photo. Did Allison honestly think that she wouldn't need anything and could model looking like a boring ass lameoid? At least Tyra wasn't in charge of the hair. You know she would've dyed Allison's hair bleach blonde or shaved her head or put in a dead rat and call it a weave. I love the makeover episodes.

Stacy and Allison head out onto the football field and find Kelly, Keisha, and nameless Asian girl, along with a bunch of football players. There's also a totes gay Italian photographer, who annoyingly gives directions in Italian and then English. Hey, dumbass, why don't you save yourself the breath and just give them in English the first time? He says capisce, and I immediately think of that hot piece of ass Uncle Jesse. During a break Allison starts talking with one of the football players, Bruce. No comment. They start up again, and Stacy gets yelled at for putting movement into her poses by doing cheerleader jumps and flips. I call bullshit on this photographer, Tyra LOVES movement!

The next day before school, Allison does her hair the way the hairdresser did it and puts on her least lame outfit, a yellow shirt and sexy overalls with yellow striped cuffs and pockets. Wild! Not. She says she hasn't worn her hair loose since she was about 5, and acts like it's such a big deal and everything. I think this book has taken my indifference towards Allison to full on hatred. The girls think she looks hot, and she's all embarrassed and shit. Stacy passes her a note in Miss Munson's class, who is Ms. Munson in this book for some reason. Stacy invites her to Fitzie's after school. She decides to go, but tries to figure out a way to ditch Randy, Katie, and Sabrina, who are also going to Fitzie's. I'm sure you can all fit in there, dumbass. Who cares?

Allison, Katie, Sabrina, and Randy all get a table together, and Allison tells them about the shoot, but it's not the same because they weren't there so they don't quite get it. Stacy comes over to their table and pulls Allison over to hers. She says she has the pictures from the shoot. Sabrina shows up and is excited to see them, but Stacy's hos are all mean to her and tell her to GTFO. They just made my little black book! Allison doesn't stick up for Sabrina, and when she finally makes it back to her table Sabrina and Katie are gone. Randy tells her Sabrina was really upset, and asks what happened. Allison tells her, and Randy rips her a new asshole for not sticking up for Sabrina. I now officially like Randy more than Allison. Randy says she's going over to Sabrina's to see how she is, and thinks Allison should come with and apologize. Stacy runs up to Allison and tells her how she needs a ride to the next shoot, and Randy gets pissed and leaves without her. I don't know why Randy couldn't wait for a second, or why Allison couldn't walk to Sabrina's by herself. Allison just goes home to be lame alone.

The next day at school Randy, Sabrina, and Katie give Allison the silent treatment. This is so like a BSC book, specifically Mary Anne's Makeover. Well, at least here they have a reason to be mad, if it was a BSC book the silent treatment would've started as soon as Allison got picked at the mall. Those bitches will refuse to talk to you if you change anything about yourself! I don't necessarily think Allison deserves the silent treatment, but then again she could've gone over to Sabrina's or called her at least to apologize. I guess she does deserve it for being a lazy ho.

At the next shoot Stacy gets cuter clothes than Allison and a better hairstyle. Well, I say better only because Allison gets a hairstyle that I definitely remember Claudia Kishi rocking: ponytail on top of the head braided into a million little skinny braids. They start doing the shoot, and then the modeling person starts throwing in accessories, like notebooks and shit. Allison gets all pissy because she's given a pair of glasses and doesn't want to wear them. Tyra once had a shoot where she had to wear a back brace and sit in a wheelchair made out of sharpened pins while teetering on a ledge over the Grand Canyon, and she still managed to work it and look fierce. Allison is letting her pissy mood get to her and has to do the same shot over and over again because she sucks. Mr. Jay would be yelling at her right about now. Even though Allison royally sucks ass, she stills gets asked by the agency to think about modeling in New York.

Stacy tells Allison after the shoot that she called her mom and told her she was riding with Mrs. Cloud, but really the football player Allison had been flirting with is giving her a ride home. This leaves Allison stranded with no ride, and she is mega pissed. It's like the only time she's shown a strong emotion. Bruce the football player asks her if she's ready, and she's all confused. He says that he wanted to give her a ride home, but Stacy said they were supposed to go together so he said he'd take her along too. Allison refuses because she is worried that her parents will get mad. What does a 16 year old want with a 13 year old? Gross! Allison calls her dad to come get her, and he gives her a lecture on the way home on how looks aren't everything and she can't forget her mind. Whatevs.

The next day at school Allison is all sad because she couldn't finish her homework or hand something in for the school newspaper. The shoot ended at 6, dummy, not midnight. I never even started my homework until like 9. I'm also a huge procrastinator. Randy stops Allison in the hallway and rips her a new one. Allison realizes she didn't go to Sabrina's after Fitzie's. Are you kidding me? You just fucking remembered that? Randy doesn't give her a chance to explain, and leaves.

That weekend Allison is all sad and alone. She thinks about calling the girls, but doesn't. Ow, I just hurt my head pounding it on my desk. She decides to go to Fitzie's and do some writing and shit. Stacy and her posse are already there, and the GT girls walk in soon after. Stacy runs up to Allison to show her the new pics, and flips her shit when she sees the pics are all of Allison. She tries to play it off by saying she only joined because the agency begged her, and Allison calls bullshit on her in front of everyone. She starts screaming at her and tells her about the New York thing, and Stacy gets even more pissed and leaves. For some reason this makes Randy, Sabrina, and Katie her friends again. I guess you can't be friendly with them and with Stacy at the same time. Seems dumb to me, but then again most of this book was. They all apologize and look at the pictures. Randy likes Allison in glasses, and they all go off to the eyeglass store to try some on. Clearly, you must like glasses and hate Stacy if your friends do. Fucking followers. Allison says she like being a model, but she's done with it for awhile, thus losing the only interesting thing about her.

Eh, I guess Randy's spiky mullet isn't so bad. In some other books, she has the back up in a ponytail and it's horrendous. Katie's face looks weird, and Sabrina looks like a Kid Sister doll. I hate hate HATE the frightened look on Allison's face, like some blush, nail polish, and curlers will give her the plague or something. Suck it up, ho!


Anonymous said...

Allison was always my least favorite character as well, for all the reasons you mentioned. I also thought she was overly smug about her 100 books that she read in one summer. I would think if you weren't keeping official track you would lose count of how many books you read after like, book 6. Little Miss I-hate-makeup-and-hair-brushes must have kept an Excel spreadsheet on how many books she read. I bet she included the number of pages and number of literary awards each book won too.

Katie was always my favorite. I love how Allison is the smart one but Katie makes straight As only because she is a "perfectionist". Yet you never read about her studying and she logs major hours playing hockey and exercising. I'd give her the edge over Allison in a heartbeat.

I think Randy's crush on Sabrina really gains some motivation this book.

Love all the Tyra references. I don't really watch her show but I would have liked to see her lay the smackdown on Allison's overly entitled whiny ass.

snappleaddict said...

Katie is definitely better. I bet she could read 200 books and win the Stanley Cup at the same time. Allison really has no purpose, since Katie is the smart, sporty, and classical musically inclined one, Sabrina is the trendy bubbly one, and Randy is the rocker and manly one. They should've kicked Allison to the curb when they had the chance.

And really, who doesn't want Sabrina? Randy has excellent taste. Well, in women anyway.

maebetonight said...

put in a dead rat and call it a weave

i'm pretty sure I saw that one! I lurrrve Tyra's antics.

Also, if Allison's so smart how come she can't do her homework in an hour like I did all throughout school? (when I actually did it at home as opposed to the 20 minute homeroom period during the morning announcements, that is.) Obviously she's the weirdo studying freak and Katie's the real smart one.

I really hated this book, even way back when. Allison is just so goddamned boring!

snappleaddict said...

For real. My senior year of high school I never brought any homework home because I'd do it all in study hall. Allison just sucks.

J said...

<3 the Tyra comments. Heh. I want Tyra to follow me around and tell me how she worked through this situation and then throw a fit about how she has never in her life yelled at someone like she is doing right now.

Also Allison = zzzzzzzz.

snappleaddict said...

OMG that was the best episode! I missed the first few season the first time around, but I Tivo-ed the entire marathon that was on VH1 after New Year's and caught myself up. Tyra going apeshit made me laugh even harder than when she does her "Typrah Winbanks," as TWOP calls it, and pretends to care about what the girls are feeling but then just uses it against them. I wish there was an ANTM YA fiction series!

Amy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Amy said...

OK- When you first started writing about this series, I could not believe that I never read any of the books when I was younger... but when I saw this cover I realized that I did read this book- thought I don't remember any of it at all. (I also was that kid that read 100 books in a summer... I think I read them so fast that none of the details actually sank it...)
Anywho- I read this book just for the cover- I too was (okay, am) obsessed with makeovers.
Also, when I played the Girl Talk board game, I picked the dare that said "Let your friends make you over!" and I totally pictured it like this book... but no, the stupid bitches attacked me with lipstick, blush, eyeliner and eye shadow... I looked worse that Mimi from Drew Carrey.

Anonymous said...

snappleaddict, I loved Katie too...I think I only read #2, where she joins the hockey team. Even when I was in law school, I thought of that book whenever we talked about Title IX (because Allison brought it up so the coach would let Katie try out!).

Aaaaand...I just wanted to share that I was at the library on my lunch break and scored Garden of Shadows (which I have never read) for 25 cents! Woohoo! Can't wait for your recap!

Amber T. said...

I kind of wish I had read young self would have liked them. And by "them" I mean everyone but Allison.

Anonymous said...

That is so dead-on Tyra! And clearly we see here that Allison is only a model student because she has no life. All of a sudden she has ONE other commitment and she just falls apart? Lame. She could never survive in the BSC.

TessieBambos said...

Whatever Alison. I read an average of 3 books everyday and I don't prance around mentionng it everytime I introduce myself! Is her life so boring she needs to make that her life pride?