Because of no school, I'm in a super good mood! I decided to keep the good mood up and recap what might be my favorite SVH book. Don't worry, even though I'm in a good mood, I'll still be relentless with the snark. Also, if there are more typos than usual, I'm tired and I hit my finger yesterday, causing the nail to rip halfway off and bleed all over, so I have a finger brace on it and it's awkward to type.
I love this book mostly because I like my Jessica Wakefield to be full-on selfish and sociopathic. I like the Jessica Wakefield that spikes her own twin sister's drink so she can win prom queen. I mean, she really has no limit, does she? Of course, I love it. The old books are the best because no matter what crazy ass bitchy thing she does Elizabeth always takes it. It's so great. Ooh, and this book has a Lila subplot, and I wholeheartedly agree with the 1bruce1 (link on right) theory that Lila is the awesomez.
Have you guys ever wondered about Kate William, the actual author of SVH? It must suck that her name isn't even on the cover and she gets pretty much no credit. I mean, hell, most libraries even have SVH books under P for Pascal. What the hell did Francince Pascal do? Okay, she created the series, but does that mean she just went to her lackey Kate William one day and was like, "Twins. Blonde hair, Pacific blue eyes, perfect size 6. Different personalities," and then just walked away? I bet Francine has never even read SVH. She's too busy laying around her mansion, Pascal Crest, and ordering maids to make her cosmos. "I said EXTRA vodka, Servant! Do it over again!" "But, Ms. Pascal, I'm here to repair the roof." "Less talking, MORE VODKA!"
Ah, I'm just joking around. I have read a book that is actually written by Francine Pascal (My First Love and Other Disasters, haven't been able to get my hands on the other two), and it was very funny and entertaining, and not much like an SVH book. I can't help but wonder how different SVH would be if Francine wrote it, and what the hell she was so busy with that she couldn't do it herself. Maybe she had to tend to her Goldie Hawn bangs.
So our literary masterpiece starts off with Robin Wilson's mother calling the Wakefield house one afternoon to try to find her. Elizabeth answers the phone and is surprised to hear that Robin Wilson, the fat girl, thinks that she's Jessica Wakefield's BFF. For some reason, Mrs. Wilson feels that she can confide in Liz about Robin. Maybe because Elizabeth is 45, too. She tells Liz that Robin is going to drop out of school because she's a fattypants and thinks she's unpopular. Oh, Robin. Remember the fat kid from Stand By Me? He grew up to be a sexy underwear model. There's always hope. Mrs. Wilson asks Elizabeth if Robin is going to be asked to pledge their sorority, Pi Beta Alpha. How many high schools do you know of that had sororities? Elizabeth says they've gotten behind in nominations, but Jessica is now president and said she'd do it at the next meeting. Mrs. Wilson is afraid that Jessica is too busy to remember to do it, and then decides to end the guilt trip by asking Elizabeth to have Robin call home if she sees her. Oh, Mrs. Wilson, stop worrying. Robin is overweight and a brunette, nothing bad will happen to her.
Soon after Mrs. Wilson hangs up, Jessica calls. Elizabeth yells at her because she was supposed to be helping her clean the house over an hour ago. Ugh, Elizabeth, that's not the way to get Jessica to come home. Tell her you're throwing a party for her for being the most beautiful girl in all of California, and only attractive men who want to molest her will be invited. She'll be there super fast. Jessica gives some excuses about picking up her clothes at the cleaner's and getting some books from the library, and Elizabeth totally buys it because lies weren't invented back when she was 16.
Elizabeth starts cleaning the house by herself, and then the doorbell rings. It's Robin Wilson, with Jessica's dry cleaning and books. Robin sits down to wait for Jessica and starts eating a candy bar. Trusting Elizabeth immediately turns into Judgmental Elizabeth, and she can't stop staring disapprovingly at Robin. Shut the fuck up, Elizabeth, like you've never had a candy bar in your life. Just because she's overweight doesn't mean she should be punished and never be allowed to enjoy a Snickers once in awhile. Elizabeth asks Robin why she did Jessica's errands for her, and Robin says that's what best friends do. Elizabeth now pities Robin for thinking that Jessica is actually her friend. Hey, you never know, she could be hanging out with her because she'd look even more beautiful by comparison. It's something Jessica would do, don't deny it. Robin starts crying about wanting to pledge to PBA but not having her name put up yet, and Elizabeth tells her she'll put her name up. Why didn't Robin go to Elizabeth first? If I wanted something from the twins, I'd definitely ask Elizabeth because she's a huge pushover. Robin is all happy and runs to call her mother to tell her the good news. Elizabeth is scared what Jessica will do when she finds out. I'd be scared, too, she'll probably cut the brakes on the car so Elizabeth can't get to the meeting.
Robin comes back into the room and says her mom is so happy for her. She takes out another candy bar and starts chomping away. Elizabeth is mad at herself for doing something to make Robin eat more. Damn, Elizabeth, it's a candy bar, not an extra large pizza. All your visits to the Dairi Burger sure aren't helping your figure, either. Jessica comes home and Robin tells her she's so excited and she and Liz are so wonderful and then leaves. Jessica calls her a fat wimp and asks Liz what that was all about. Liz starts nagging her about using Robin and making her think they were friends just so she could have a slave, and Jessica's just like, "Yeah, so?" This is the Jessica I love, the one who doesn't realize that everyone has feelings and the world is not there to serve her. Elizabeth notices a new scarf around Jessica's neck and asks her about. Jessica says that Lila (!) has an aunt in New York who sent it to her, but she didn't like the color on her. Everyone in the world knows that Lila doesn't give shit away. Hell, she probably buys herself a new present on her friend's birthdays because it's a gift just being with her fabulous self. Elizabeth totally buys the story, though, and instead lays into Jessica about not cleaning the house and using Robin. Jessica doesn't really give a shit about the conversation until Liz tells her that she's going to put up Robin's name herself. Jessica totally flips her shit and starts screaming that "that tub of lard" will ruin PBA's image and shit. What the hell, you guys let Elizabeth in, and she's middle aged! Oh, but she's thin. I get it now.
PBA meeting time! Elizabeth is running late, so Jessica tries to hurry through the new business before she gets there. No such luck, all that mall walking in the morning has made Elizabeth fast, and she gets there and puts Robin's name up for pledge, making sure to say that she's Jessica's BFF. The other members are appalled that a fat girl might have the chance to join their group, but are too scared of Jess to say anything mean about her "best friend." Rightfully so, Jessica is not afraid to cut a bitch! After the meeting Jessica yells at Elizabeth, calling her "Little Miss Do A Good Deed Every Day." Jessica has the best insults in this book. Wait until I get to my favorite one. Liz says that Robin is smart and funny, and would make a good addition to PBA. Jess replies that she's "surrounded by two tons of fat." She then tells Liz not to gloat too much, because Robin has to pass all the pledging tasks still. And guess who gets to decide what those tasks are? You got it, Miss Jessica Wakefield herself.
Cara, Lila, and Jessica stop by Robin's house to tell her she's been nominated. Robin freaks out at their presence and starts offering them sodas, milkshakes, eclairs, and ice cream sandwiches. The girls just stare at her like they might catch fat. Jessica tells Robin she's been nominated, and the look of happiness on Robin's face is almost enough to make her change her mind about ruining her life, but not quite. Smile a little bigger next time, Robin. After lipo, of course. The girls leave, and Robin celebrates by taking a cherry cheesecake out of the fridge and eating it. Next time something good happens to me, I'm heading over to the Wilsons'. Their dessert selection is the shit. Oh, wait, we're supposed to be disgusted by Robin's eating habits. Hell, I'm just hungry.
Elizabeth asks Jessica later how Robin took the news. Jessica is more concerned with her thighs, though. She tells Liz that Robin was super happy and kept offering her food because she wanted her to be as fat as she is. No way, Robin just has good desserts and wanted to share! Robin and I would totally be BFF, and she wouldn't even have to pick up my dry cleaning. Liz notices that Jessica is wearing a new pair of earrings that look really expensive. Jessica says Lila's aunt sent them, and she didn't like them so she got them. Lila's aunt must have sucky taste if everything she gives her is too revolting to keep. Elizabeth buys it, of course, and Jessica tells her to be sure to show up at the track after school tomorrow. Elizabeth wonders what is going on. Um, Elizabeth? Either she's going to humiliate Robin or Lila's aunt bought her a private jet that she's giving to Jessica there. If Elizabeth's the smart twin, then Jessica must be borderline retarded.
Elizabeth is at her locker when her middle aged husband, Todd, comes up and starts making out with her and shit. I hate hate HATE it when Elizabeth and Todd flirt with each other, because it's just so gross and all talk. I mean, I never say to my boyfriend, "I have the perfect way to relax you," and then just hold his hand. I'm better than that! Elizabeth tell him they need to get to the track to see what Jessica was talking about yesterday. I'll give you a hint: it's not a jet. They find Robin running around the track in shorts and a tank top. Tons of people are in the stands yelling out insults to her. Everyone's favorite date rapist, Bruce Patman, tells her not to fall because she'll dent the track. Elizabeth is furious at Jessica, but that doesn't mean shit because she's not going to do anything about it.
Robin has to jog around the track five times a day for a week, and at the end of the week Elizabeth congratulates her for not eating candy bars while running. Nah, I'm lying, but she does congratulate her for finishing the task. Robin is depressed, and Elizabeth asks why. Robin tells her that she's received her next task: go to the beach on Saturday and play volleyball in a bikini. Elizabeth tells her that she, Todd, Enid, and Enid's boyfriend George are going to the beach on Saturday and always play volleyball, so she can play with them. That's a good idea, because that group is so boring no one will be able to look at them without falling asleep. Robin is happy that she won't have to face the task alone.
For some reason on Saturday they play volleyball against Lila, Cara, Jessica, and Bruce. I thought Liz wanted to protect Robin? Oh, and I love the author's subtle jabs at Robin; her dresses are always described as tent dresses and the robe she wears to the beach is a tent robe. WTF is a tent dress?
Oddly enough one of the people credited with this pic is named Robin.
Robin gets through the afternoon, even with Bruce making fun of her the whole time. She's all happy and positive until she receives her final task: have Bruce take her to the Discomarathon.
Liz is pissed about the Bruce thing, but convinces Robin to try and ask him. Robin goes home all sad and Liz runs off to the tennis courts to find Bruce. He's all turned on by the fact that a Wakefield twin (doesn't care which one) is watching him practice. Liz bribes him by telling him she'll do a front page story with a picture for The Oracle on his tennis abilities if he takes Robin Wilson to the dance. Bruce is unwilling at first, but his ego always wins out and in the end he agrees. Liz is happy.
Liz comes home to find Jessica laying out by the pool getting skin cancer. She bets Jessica two weeks of laundry that Bruce will take Robin to the dance. Jessica is lazy and stupid, so of course she agrees. Liz goes back into the house and Lila walks in. She asks how her aunt is, and Lila is all stupid and denies having an aunt until she remembers she told Jessica it was her aunt that gave her all of that fabulous expensive stuff. Oops. She tries to cover it up, but not even Elizabeth is falling for it. Liz notices that Lila is wearing quite possibly the ugliest ring in the world, a big gold pharoah's head, and compliments her on it. Lila doesn't have time for lowly Elizabeth's comments, and leaves to go and hang out with Jessica by the pool.
Liz calls Robin and tells her to ask Bruce to the dance. She is reluctant, but agrees. The next day Robin comes running up to Liz all excited because Bruce said yes. Robin thinks the kids will all accept her now that she has a date with the most popular rapist in school. Yeah, right. If every girl Bruce dated was immediately made popular, then there would no such thing as unpopular. Ho gets around. Liz gloats to Jessica, who has no idea how this could've happened. Oh, Jessica. Are you really that stupid? (Answer: Yes)
Discomarathon! Todd and Liz dance, and Liz gets orgasms from touching him. Well, that's what I interpreted, anyway, because the book says, "Feeling his strong, athletic body so close to her always made her feel warm, excited, and utterly in love." Kinky! Robin and Bruce enter. Liz says Robin is wearing a prettier tent dress than usual. How kind of you, judgmental bitch. Bruce leads Robin out to the dance floor and then says, "Anyone want to steer the Queen Mary around the floor tonight? She's all yours!" and walks out. Robin is shocked and humiliated. She runs into the bathroom and Liz goes in after her. Enid, having no purpose but to follow Liz around, is given the task of guarding the door so no one can come in. Yeah, right. How will Enid keep them out, bore them to death? Actually, that's not a bad plan. If I saw Enid standing outside the bathroom door, I'd go find another one immediately.
Liz gives Robin another motivational talk, and then tells her she has "such a pretty face." God, if every fat girl around the world had a dollar for hearing that one, they'd all be billionaires. Liz was just complimenting her before to cheer her up, but then actually looks at Robin and realizes that it's true. Bitch! Enid pokes her head in and says she can't keep the crowd back much longer. She's so lying, they're all avoiding her like the plague. Robin says she can't go back out there and she's dropping out of school. She runs out and Liz follows her and smacks into Allen Walters, the nerdy school newspaper photographer. What was he doing trying to get into the girl's bathroom, huh? Liz tells him that he needs to do a favor for her and stop Robin Wilson. What? Why can't Liz do it herself? Lazy ho.
Allen finds Robin and stops her. Task done! Oh, he has to talk to her, too. He calms Robin down and they find out the both like old romance movies (maybe he was taking the camera into the boy's bathroom), and he asks her to dance. They go back in and dance for one song. Allen says he needs to leave when it ends. Robin thinks it's because of her, but then he asks if he can walk her home. Awwwww.
Elizabeth and Jessica have a huge fight at home after the dance. Liz blames Jess for what Bruce said, but Jess maintains her innocence. Liz gives up arguing with her, but still doesn't believe she had nothing to do with it.
The next day Elizabeth goes to the mall to pick up their mom's watch at the repair shop. She notices scarves like the one Jessica had been wearing, and the salesgirl tells her they're exclusive to that shop. Liz bumps into a display of jewelry and knocks it down. Clumsy fool. The salesgirl makes her stay put until every piece of jewelry is accounted for, and Liz notices another fugly pharoah ring like the one Lila had on. The salesgirl tells Liz that they have just installed a new security system because there has been a shoplifting problem recently. She's very accusing, and Liz nervously runs away.
Liz is sad because she thinks Jess is a shoplifter. She tries to think of a way to talk to her about it, but the only thing she can think of is telling Jess that the stolen scarf looks like shit on her. Jessica of course doesn't wear it after that. Liz asks her when the PBA voting meeting is that night, and Jessica says she doesn't know how she found out about it and tells her. Liz says they couldn't call it a final vote without her, and Jess says she was just going to vote for her. All absentee ballots for the presidential election are now being sent to Jessica Wakefield.
Meeting time! The girls vote by passing around a box and dropping a white marble in for yes and a black one for no. Any black balls mean no membership. Suzanne Hanlon is voted on first and makes it, and Lila approves because her father has a Rolls-Royce. Next is Robin. The box is passed around, Jessica opens it and finds a black ball. Everyone is shocked because they can't believe someone would defy Jessica like that by voting against her best friend. Elizabeth is convinced that Jessica did it herself, but what about Lila? You know Lila doesn't give a shit who Jessica's friends are, and will vote as she pleases. I mean, I'm not denying that Jessica would do it, too, I'm just saying Lila is a good guess also.
Jessica and Elizabeth meet Robin at Casey's to tell her the bad news. Robin nearly faints, and Jessica assures her that even though she's not a part of everything worth having at SVH, they can still be friends. She actually says that. God, I love her. Liz tells her to shut up, and then tries to comfort Robin, but she screams at her and says there isn't any reason for her to go on and runs out. Elizabeth chooses to sit there and yell at Jessica instead of go after Robin. Clearly when your friend is humiliated and runs to the bathroom she needs you, but when she threatens suicide she must be left alone.
Liz tries to call Robin all night, but instead has a chat with her BFF Mrs. Wilson. She tells Mrs. Wilson that Robin was blackballed, and Mrs. Wilson wonders how people can be so cruel. The next day Liz is sitting in the Oracle office with Mr. Collins. Run, Liz! Mr. Collins is the creepiest teacher in the world. Liz starts babbling on about the sorority and how it excludes people and shit. Isn't that the definition of a sorority? If they let everyone in then how are they any different from just a bunch of girls hanging out? Liz decides to write an article about the situation, entitled "Snobbery Is Alive and Well at Sweet Valley High," forgetting that she is also a member of this snobby sorority. Also, doesn't this make every sports team snobby? You don't get on the team unless the coach thinks you're good enough. Just saying. She hands her article in to our uptight Princess of Lame, Penny Ayala, and is satisfied with herself.
The day the article comes out all the Pi Betas are pissed, but none as much as Jessica. Elizabeth is sad because since the blackballing no one has seen or heard from Robin, so she wasn't there to read the article. Jessica yells at Liz, and Liz tells her she shouldn't have blackballed Robin. Jess tells her that Liz knew Robin couldn't make it and shouldn't have even sponsored her in the first place. She also calls her the best insult ever, Elizabeth Wakefield Buttinski, and accuses her of being a goody goody who interferes with everything and tries to help every wayward soul. Go Jessica! Jess tells her Bruce told Cara about the bribe, and that Liz should just mind her own business for once. I'm planning my wedding to Jessica as I write this.
Mrs. Wilson calls Elizabeth to tell her Robin was visiting an aunt in LA but is back in Sweet Valley now. She says Robin doesn't want to talk to anyone, especially members of PBA, but she was just calling Liz because she knew she was worried. Also, she wanted to confirm that their bridge game had been moved to Thursdays and to make sure Liz was bringing extra prunes. Liz sees Robin at school and she's wearing no makeup and a tent dress that is a little too big for her. She is very quiet and just stares straight ahead in the hallways and stuff. She's also pretty cold to Liz and completely ignores Jess. Lila is also acting weird, bragging about all these great places her father is going to take her. How is that different from how she normally acts? Lila loves to brag! Elizabeth asks Jessica about all the stuff Lila gave her, and Jess tells her again it was from Lila's aunt. Liz asks Jess if she didn't steal them, and Jess rightfully freaks out and says she's going to tell their mother. Because that won't be a bad conversation. Liz apologizes and says she didn't mean it.
Liz decides to go to the mall the next day to get Todd a new watchband for his upcoming birthday. She sees a woman steal a bracelet in Lisette's, and the woman turns around and, duh, it's Lila. The salesgirl didn't see Lila, though, and instead goes after Elizabeth. Elizabeth runs away and heads for home. She talks to Jessica and tells her to stay away from Lila. Jess wants to know why, but Liz just tells her to stay away.
Elizabeth sees Robin the next morning running the track, as she has been since she got back to school. She talks to her a little, and Robin is nice but not overly friendly. Liz sees her later in the cafeteria and of course checks out her tray to see what's on it. Because a fat girl's fashion accessory is a tray full of food, natch. Robin's tray used to have french fries and double burgers (yep, plural) on it, but now has lettuce, two tomato slices, and a hard boiled egg. That's no fun! Can I have the cheeseburger she turned down? I'm a cheeseburger addict as well as a Snapple one.
Of course, Robin is losing weight super fast. Elizabeth has to make sure she's not anorexic. Nope, not until #74. Robin is insulted and tells her she's not stupid. Elizabeth is happy and tells her she thinks she's just terrific! What a nosy ass bitch.
Elizabeth gets a phone call from Lila after school saying that Jessica is being held at the mall for shoplifting. She gets to the mall as fast as she can and finds Lila in the parking lot. Lila tells her the story and Elizabeth realizes that they wanted her, not Jessica. Lila asks her why she's been shoplifting, and Elizabeth tells her to cut the crap because she saw her steal a bracelet. Lila is all scared and shit, and says she steals to get her father to notice her. Liz makes her come inside to confess. The salesgirl sees Liz and grabs her, thinking they both shoplift, and Liz says it's not either of them. She tells Jess to wait in the car, and Lila comes in. Just as she's going to confess, she faints. Dramz!
Lila wakes up and Liz tells her the shop is pressing charges and Mr. Fowler is on his way over. He comes and gets her and crap, and Liz heads back out to her car where Jess is waiting. She won't tell Jessica anything, and Jess is frustrated. It's really not that hard to figure out, Jessica. Maybe she is borderline retarded after all.
Liz accompanies Lila to her hearing. She's given 6 month probation for being awesome. Mr. Fowler takes them out to dinner and Liz eats a ton of fattening stuff, but it's okay because she's thin. She gets home and still won't tell Jessica anything, and Jessica is pissed. Then she goes out on a date with Todd, and there's more of their nauseating sexy talk and no action.
The next day Liz is writing an article on the mid-term cheerleading tryouts and almost pisses her pants when she sees that Robin is on the list. Jessica can't read, so she doesn't know about it when the paper comes out until Liz tells her to read it. She predictably flips out and says it isn't fair. Anyone can try out for cheerleading, dumbass. At school Robin is getting popular. She saves the tent dresses for camping only now, and wears the latest fashions. She's lookin so smokin' that Bruce Patman almost walks into a door staring at her. He totally doesn't recognize hr, and thinks she's a new girl. Something tells me you ruined your chance with her at the Discomarathon, Bruce. Robin not only makes the cheerleading squad, but is named co-captain with Jessica. Clearly, losing a lot of weight will give you gymnastic skills and talent.
Elizabeth has been mailing articles she's written to the Sweet Valley newspaper for a few months now, and finally receives a letter from the editor. He says she shows promise, but he hasn't been able to use any of her articles. Liz is sad. How did someone in Sweet Valley deny one of the glorious Wakefield twins something? You know this guy was fired and excommunicated from the town as soon as people found out. Creepy Mr. Collins tells her to keep trying because getting a letter from the editor is a big thing. It's not like he's got much to do, Elizabeth and Jessica don't have any molesters or avenging criminals or evil girls who look just like them after them in this book, so what else could the staff be writing about? Hell, Bruce Patman hasn't even untied one of their bikini tops! He could write about Robin, but she's a brunette and used to be fat.
Jessica says she's getting ready for the most important thing in her life, winning football queen, a.k.a. Miss Sweet Valley High. She thinks she'll get it because the team is in love with her because she's dated all of them. No, really, she says that. Well, she hasn't dated anyone who isn't first string. Jessica is a classy ho like that. Jess tells Liz to rip up the other candidates' pictures when she writes an article on the event for the Oracle, and only feature her. Liz refuses.
Lila deigns to speak to lowly Elizabeth the next day. She tells her about all the fun stuff she and Daddy Warbucks are doing, but he'll be leaving for a couple of months soon. Liz is disappointed in Mr. Fowler because without his attention Lila will start shoplifting again. Or so she thinks, since this incident is never spoken of in any other book.
The competition for Miss Sweet Valley High is mainly between Jessica and Robin. Robin puts up a sign that says that PBA is forbidding any member to compete for the title, and that they blackballed her so everyone should vote for her, or something like that. The PBAs deny it, and it's a stupid sign anyway. Shut up, Robin. On voting day the football team's offensive line carries a sign that says "Jessica Is Just Right." Dumb! The defensive line has a sign that says "Robin Has Us Throbbin'." That is so dirty I don't know where to begin. The results will be announced at their homecoming game the next day.
At the game, Jessica is practicing her acceptance speech in her head when they announce the winner - Robin Wilson. Holy fuck, another time that a Wakefield twin was denied something they wanted?!!? The world will come to an end! It's tradition for Miss Sweet Valley High to ride around the track in a limo and wave, but Robin asks her shadow, Bruce, if he'll drive her in 1bruce1. He agrees, and then she announces that she would like Allen Walters to be her escort. Owned! Bruce is miserable. Elizabeth, who spotted the busy newspaper editor (he's preparing for the next book, where a college student with a porn 'stache molests Jessica) and offered to write an article for him, takes tons of pictures of Bruce driving Robin and Allen and laughs at him. She gets her story published, and all is well.
I love how the older books tied into the next one. Jessica is bitching about how all her friends are so juvenile, because someone who throws more temper tantrums than a two year old obviously isn't. Elizabeth tells her she better not be hanging out with the college crowd at the beach, and Jessica says Mr. Porn 'Stache is interested in her and leaves. We end with Liz watching her, fearful for Jessica's virginity.
The perfect twins, with bleach blonde hair and bushy black eyebrows. Hot! Also, it looks as if Elizabeth's balding a little.