Monday, May 5, 2008

California Diaries #1 Dawn

EDIT: Okay, I've been working on this for a week now because of a combination of finals and re-discovering my My So-Called Life DVDs. I took my last final this morning (and watched the last episode of MSCL this afternoon), so I might as well finish this now!

Yes! I finally located a library with the California Diaries books! They're missing two, but we'll handle that when the time comes. I was so excited to find these, you seriously have no idea. Well, you probably do have an idea, since I've gotten numerous requests for these. Trust me, I wanted them as much as you guys did.

I LOVE the California Diaries. They're so much more real and relatable than BSC. I never got to the point in the BSC where Dawn became the environment Nazi, so it was a shock for me to read these and find out that a character that I had actually liked before in the BSC series could be such a hypocritical judgmental bitch. I don't like any of the Dawn books and I want to smack her 99% of the time, so this recap should be quite sarcastic and angry.

First entry consists of Dawn describing how crowded her school was and how much she hates it because it's distracting and stuff. Shove it, ho. Then Dawn further pisses me off by not approving of how Sunny is handling her mom's cancer. Look, ass, you can't say what she would do because you've never been in that situation. Man, I'm already pissed off, and I'm only on the fourth page!

Second entry is kind of a short BSC Chapter 2. It doesn't ramble on about stupid little details about all her friends or mention that Jessi's black, so it's pretty good.

Dawn and Sunny meet Maggie at her place to walk to school together. Maggie's all upset because she didn't study for her math quiz enough and she thinks she might not get an A. Maggie also doesn't have green hair or a rat tail any more, so I'm sad. They get to school and see the fourth member of the old We Love Kids club, Jill. Apparently Jill isn't emo enough to get her own book, so the writers had to turn her into a huge dork who is wearing a unicorn sweatshirt and pink sneakers with unicorn tails hanging off of them. That outfit is so hot I cannot even picture it clearly in my mind. Jill needs to go listen to Fall Out Boy and buy some black eyeliner so she can get her own book and I can read more about the awesome contents of her closet.

Dawn bitches some more about the school being overcrowded. Apparently a lot of kids switch to this school in eighth grade because the high school is so good. Don't let them in then? I'm assuming this is a private school. My high school was a private school, and all eighth graders have to take an entrance exam to get in. They had so many kids wanting to come in my freshmen year (the sports teams are phenomenal, as are the academics) that they had a waiting list that went by entrance exam scores. They also didn't accept transfer students unless you had just moved to the area. Guess what? My school was full, but not overcrowded. Logic works! Dawn complains some more about the hallways being crowded, and she and Sunny shout "Rulers!" at each other, because as eighth graders they are the rulers of the junior high. Dawn wonders why the high school seniors don't shout that, too. Because they're not stupid and immature!

The next day or something there is an announcement over the loudspeaker that the high school and the eighth grade are going to have an assembly. Dawn wonder what is going on, because the junior high and high schools never have assemblies together. Let's see, the eighth grade is overcrowded, Dawn is happy to be a ruler of the junior high, and she clearly loves to bitch. I think we all know where this is going. Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill head over to the assembly. Dawn tries to act like Jill isn't with them because, as she snottily puts it, Jill is actually wearing a sweatshirt with crayons on the front and thinks she looks cute. I seem to remember some pretty fug stuff that Claudia would wear, but she was considered to be a huge fashionista. I guess Connecticut Dawn was more accepting of others than California Dawn. Oh, and shut up, Dawn. Anyone who wore DIY off the shoulder sweatshirts, a sweat-skirt, and crimped hair to impress a hick's hick cousin has no room to talk.

Assembly announcement: the eighth grade is moving to the high school building. Duh. Dawn complains. Duh squared (love you, Rayanne!). The next like 5 pages all consist of Dawn bitching about the move. Calm the fuck down, it's not that cool to be rulers of the junior high anyway. Maggie echos my thoughts and says that they're just moving to a different building, not a different school, and she'll be happy to not be so jam packed. I love Maggie.

At home, Dawn is coddled my Mrs. Bruen, their housekeeper. Mrs. Bruen brings her peppermint tea to soothe her. I hope there's arsenic in it. At dinner, Dawn's dad announces that he'll be leaving for a business trip soon and will be gone for ten days. Dawn throws a fit because he will be gone the day she moves into the high school building, and she wanted him there for moral support. What was he going to do, come to school with her and hold her hand? I bet Dawn's dad wishes she stayed in Connecticut. After dinner Dawn decides she needs to ask Carol about something she heard about Sunny's mom. She wants to know what the word sterile means. Couldn't she figure it out? She asks Carol, and I wish Carol had said that sterile was what she wished Dawn's dad had been so Dawn's whiny ass wouldn't be around, but instead she just laughs. Dawn gets pissed and looks it up in the dictionary. Why couldn't she have done that in the first place?

Dawn thinks about her friends, and how everything seems to be changing. Except Jill, who still acts like a baby. Dawn is tired of acting excited over Jill's teddy bear collection. Dawn Rochelle's frizzy ass hair should attack Dawn Schafer's teddy bear hating face! Also, WTF is up with Jill suddenly being a baby? I remember she was all bikini-ed out and shit in Dawn On the Coast, and now all of a sudden we're supposed to believe that she's this huge kindergartner? I think Dawn's making it all up. Ho.

Dawn is in study hall on her first day of being in the high school building. She doesn't know anyone, and she's all weirded out by these two older kids making out. Dawn sucks and all, but that would weird me out, too. Holy shit, then she says hell! That's right, HELL! I love the California Diaries! Anyway, Maggie and Sunny are worried about hazing. Hazing is so fucking stupid, seriously. Big deal, so some kids' moms got knocked up later than others'. Doesn't make you any better than them. Our high school "hazing" consisted of one thing: yelling "Go home, freshmen!" at assemblies. Harmless. Oh well, back to the book. Vista's hazing consists of "lipsticking," which is writing an 8 on the 8th grader's foreheads (um, wipe it off?), being given wrong directions (pool on the roof?), and generally being inferior to XP. Oh, sorry, I just have some Windows Vista hate built up.

Dawn insists on going with Carol to the airport to see her dad off. She acts like it's some big-ass deal and shit and that she has to force Carol to let her go. I'm not buying it, and shut up, Dawn.

Dawn accidentally tries to open up the wrong locker the next day at school, and the bitchface who owns the locker, Mandy, is a total ho about it. Anyone can make that mistake, come on. She has to check to see if Dawn stole anything, even though Dawn didn't even get the locker open because she didn't have the right combination. Nothing was stolen, but Dawn had kicked the locker when she couldn't get it open and it caused a mirror in there to break. Mandy acts all ass-facey about it. Just go get another one at the Dollar Tree, no need to be a huge bitch about it. Dawn offers to pay her back and reaches in her purse to give her some money for it. A stuffed puppy falls out with a little first-grade note from her "puppy-pal" Jill attached to the tail. Mandy makes fun of Dawn, and from then on calls her Puppy-Pal whenever she sees her. BFD, a stuffed animal. There are tons of way better stuff to make fun of Dawn for, like the time she was in love with mullet-y Travis.

Dawn picks a fight with Carol. Carol tells her to do her homework, and instead of telling her that with the school switch they haven't really gotten any, Dawn flips out and accuses Carol of picking on her. You know, no one will replace Dawn's mom, I get that. But Carol seems really cool, fun, and easy-going. Dawn should lay off and be happy that she doesn't have a V.C. Andrews-like stepmother.

Carol and Mrs. Bruen take Jeff out shopping for clothes and leave Dawn at home to write in her journal and sulk. Mary Anne calls Dawn, and Dawn writes that she misses her Stoneybrook friends, but not as much as she thought she would. Well, she was only there for a year or so (according to the books, more like 15 years in real life), whereas she's known her California friends since she was little, so I can see how she'd miss the California friends a little more. Carol, Jeff, and Mrs. Bruen come back, and apparently Jeff is as much of a little snot as his older sister because all they bought was a pair of socks or something. Dawn said one time Jeff left his journal out and she read it and it was filled with stuff about how much he hated her. I knew I liked Jeff. Of course, since he is 10, he didn't use any contractions. What age are you able to use them? This is dumb. Dawn thinks back to her conversation with Mary Anne earlier. Mary Anne of course asked about the We Love Kids Club, because babysitting is her life. Apparently the We Love Kids Club is pretty much no more, because they don't really feel like babysitting any more. Except for Jill, who is totally lame and loves it because then she can trade Barbies with the kids. Maybe I made the Barbie part up. Dawn thinks Jill is lame because Jill's idea of hanging out is baking cookies and making popcorn. Dawn is hella lame if her idea of fun doesn't include delicious cookies or popcorn.

At school all the cool 8th graders get invitations to a kegger stuck in their locker. Well, all the cool kids and Jill. Dawn actually has the nerve to ask if the party is for cool kids then why did Jill get invited. Why did YOU get invited, Dawn? I thought Dawn was supposed to be a hippie and shit. Shouldn't she be a little more kind towards her fellow man? Jill says she isn't going, and because she is immature, she doesn't use contractions. Words cannot express my hate. Maggie, Sunny, and Dawn are going to go, so Jill decides she might come, but she's not sure if she should make cookies or fudge to bring. Jill, the only baked goods that would be acceptable at a high school party are some brownies, and I'm pretty sure you don't have all the special ingredients. Dawn snottily tells her they'll talk about it later.

Dawn actually has an honest moment, because she writes an entry about how she's not a very good person all the time. Duh. Then again, who can be perfect all the time? We all think mean thoughts about other people, like how today in my math final I wished my teacher would button his shirt higher because his hairy chest was making me want to throw up my Luna bar and Sunny D. Actually, if people could hear my thoughts I probably would have zero friends, but lots of boyfriends. Yeah, I'm a gross bitch.

Dawn accidentally picks up the phone and hears Carol's doctor tell her that her EPT was correct and that she is pregnant. Dawn says that EPT stands for Early Pregnancy Test, but I thought it stood for Error-Proof Test or the thank-God-it's-negative test. How can she know that shit but not know what sterile means? Dawn confesses to Carol later that she overheard, and is kind of pissed that Carol's not mad about it. Dawn just loves to start shit with Carol, I swear. Carol is kind of in shock, and asks Dawn to keep it a secret until her dad gets home, because she wanted him to be the first to know and wants to be the one to tell him. Dawn says okay, and I can't help but think she'll find some way to fuck this simple request up.

Dawn, Maggie, Sunny, and Jill hang out in Dawn's room the day of the party and try to decide whether or not to go. Jill acts like a baby and lacks the use of contractions. She wants to have an old-fashioned good old days sleepover. Nothing wrong with that. The other girls decide they can all go to the mall and then go to Jill's. Jill is happy.

At the mall, Sunny wants to get some more piercings, either in her ears or her belly button. Dawn tells her no. What place in the mall pierces belly buttons, and what place ever would pierce a 13 year old without a parent present? I was 20 when I got my belly button pierced, and I had to go to a tattoo parlor and show my ID. Dumb! Maggie says she needs to go to the pet store to get some supplies, and Jill is happy because she can play with the kittens there. That would make me mega happy, too, but Sunny rolls her eyes. Dawn pulls her aside and tells her to stop doing that shit and be nice to Jill. Fucking hypocrite, like you're nice to her? Jill nearly pisses her pants at the sight of a store called Bear Necessities, where she buys teddy bear stickers and barrettes and a plastic pony perfume bottle. Jill is totally going to be one of those 45 year old women you see hanging out in Build-A-Bear, buying stuff for themselves. They go to lunch, and Sunny randomly starts crying about her mom. Poor Sunny. Then she runs off afterwards and gets her belly button pierced. In the mall. A 13 year old. With no parent present. I am not buying it! Dawn is pissed, because apparently she's the mommy now. Hahaha, I bet Dawn totally wears mom jeans.

Carol drives Sunny and Dawn over to Jill's. Dawn apparently knows all about pregnancy symptoms, because she's wondering why Carol doesn't have morning sickness and shit. They go to Jill's, and wait for Maggie and the pizza guy to arrive. Maggie arrvies in her limo and the pizza guy is impressed. Dawn informs us that Maggie thinks the limo is pretentious. Yes, she can use the word pretentious, but doesn't know what sterile means.

Jill has decorated her room in pink and white streamers and balloons. Of course, this means she is a baby. If I had some streamers and balloons I'd decorate my room right now. I'm so over this book. She also only has Disney movies, and doesn't understand when the other girls are not interested. Disney movies can be fun. My roommate and I used to watch Beauty and the Beast and The Little Mermaid in our dorm. These girls need to stop acting so snotty, or bring their own damn movies if they're going to be picky. Basically everything Jill does is baby-ish and horrible. She suggests playing Cootie, prank calling people, and makeovers. All except for Cootie sound like normal 13 year old sleepover things to do. I don't know when makeovers became babyish, but Sunny is disgusted at the thought of them. Jill finally gets fed up with the shit and starts crying because she doesn't know what else to do. Poor Jill.

Jill's mom and sister leave for a few hours, and Sunny decides that now is the time to go to the high school party. Jill refuses because she's scared of getting caught, so the other snots leave her. Assholes! Except for Maggie. I love that little rich ano. Oh, and Sunny's cool, too. And an asshole.

The party is a typical high school kegger. The girls get drinks, and Maggie and Dawn slowly take sips of theirs. Dawn spits hers right out and declares it disgusting. Sunny, however, totally chugs her cup. I love her. It totally sounds like they're drinking Boone's, too. You know you're getting high class wine when it comes in a multitude of bright colors and costs only $1.98 at Wal-Mart. Boone's rocks. The girls meet up with Amalia, whom none of them know really well. I kind of don't like Amalia. Sunny is totally drunk off of her cup of Boone's, and wants to go get some more. Sunny knows how to have a good time! Sunny returns later and is hardcore drunk. Fun fact: Sunny talks like Sean Connery when she's drunk!

Dawn immediately goes into full on mommy mode. Um, if you didn't want her to drink then why weren't you watching her? And why did you even go to the party in the first place? Sunny is a little Boone's'd out, and starts to puke in the bushes. Just then the ho Mandy whose locker Dawn accidentally tried to open comes by and starts laughing. Apparently 8th graders were invited to the party as a part of hazing so that they'd drink a lot and get sick. Doesn't everyone drink a lot and get sick at high school parties? I never went to any because I was never invited and I live in the middle of nowhere so I wasn't close enough to crash the houses that the parties were at. This party is dumb, and I really want some Blue Hawaiian.

Sunny continues to puke and shit, and feels all gross. Honestly, what did she think would happen when she drank so much? She lays down on the front step of the house the party is at. Suddenly the older kids start grabbing the younger ones and throwing them in the pool. I don't get it. Dawn tries to get out and accidentally ends up pulling Mandy in the pool. Sweet! She eventually gets out, but Maggie refuses to. She says she's wearing a really thin t-shirt and no bra. Hot! I bet if Maggie got out she'd become one of the most popular girls in school. Maggie's crush Justin shows up as she is getting out and totally gets a hard on. He doesn't even pretend to be looking somewhere else. It doesn't take a psychic to know that the only thing that is going through his head is "BOOBS!" Dawn stands there in her jean jacket and doesn't even bother to offer it to poor Maggie. They head back to the porch to get Sunny and leave. Sunny still feels sick. Maggie argues with her and Dawn notices that all the upperclassmen are heading out. Then she hears sirens. This would be your cue to run, Dawn. And they actually do!

They meet Amalia out on the street behind the house, and they're all confused on where to go. Just then a car pulls up with a familiar looking guy driving. He offers to take them home, and just then Sunny realizes that her wallet was left back at the party. She freaks out, and the guy, who is Ducky, calms her down. He drives them all back to Amalia's and Jill's, and tells Sunny he'll pick her up tomorrow and take her back to the party house to find her wallet. I could never decide if Ducky wanted Sunny or men. Let me know what you guys think in the comments.

The girls, who are back at Jill's house way after her mother and sister were due home, throw pebbles at Jill's window to wake her up. Jill opens the window to find Sunny puking on the lawn. Nice. She totally covered for them with her mom, which was pretty cool. Of course, instead of being happy, Dawn is just disgusted by Jill's footie pajamas. Footie pajamas are fucking awesome, bitch, and don't you forget it! They tell her the party story, and Jill is pissed when she finds out Sunny lost her wallet because she thinks that somehow her mom might find out and her cover will be blown. Dawn snottily tells her that it's not all about her, even though when Sunny initially found out about her missing wallet Dawn yelled at her for the exact same thing. Sunny falls into a drunken sleep on Jill's bed, and Jill realizes that Sunny was sick from all the $1.98 Blue Hawaiian. She gets pissed that Sunny's on her bed, especially since she's all pukey, and Dawn is a ho about it. I'd be mad, too, if my friends all left me and I had to lie for them and then one came back drunk and stole my bed. They could've at least brought back a bottle of Melon Ball for her. Nothing says love and class like a bottle of Boone's.

Jill's sister and mom wake them all up the next morning at 8 am. Who the fuck wakes up a sleepover party at 8 am? Sunny is hungover, and Maggie and Dawn are just tired.

Ducky picks up Sunny and Dawn. Dawn gets all disgusted by his piece of shit car. What's your car like, Dawn? Oh that's right, you don't have one, so shut the fuck up. They go to the house and start looking. Just then, the front door opens and a woman comes out holding Sunny's neon (!) pink wallet. Turns out the big prank with the party was that it was held at a teacher's house while the teacher was away for the weekend. Ruh-roh! Ms. Krueger, the teacher, says that she'll talk to them at school to decide their punishment. Ducky takes Dawn and Sunny home, and they all worry.

Dawn calls up Jill and they go to the mall together. Jill is all sad, even at Bear Necessities. Dawn acts like a decent human being for once and apologizes to her. Then she tells her about Carol's pregnancy. Why, I do not know. She makes Jill swear not to tell anyone, not even her My Little Pony collection. Lickity Split is a total blabbermouth.

At school there's an announcement that all of the high school will have an assembly the next day, most likely about the party. Ms. Krueger also says she wants to see Ducky, Sunny, and Dawn in her office the next day. Dawn asks her friends if they want to come over, and they're all busy except for Jill, who is eager to bake cookies with Mrs. Bruen. They get there and Carol comes in, carrying a fax machine. Jill tells her she shouldn't be carrying heavy things in her condition. Carol says the thought she could trust Dawn and then leaves. Dawn turns on Jill and bitches her out and makes her cry. It's your fault, Dawn! You shouldn't have told anyone! Own up to YOUR mistake!

Lecture time! Ms. Krueger basically tells them how stupid and dangerous it was to be walking around to and from the party at night. She knows they were all tricked, and says that she's not going to punish them at this time, but if she ever hears about any other trouble from them in the future, she'll totally smoke their asses.

At the assembly, the students are informed that any upperclassmen seen hazing will be suspended and any student who gets into any trouble such as drinking, trespassing, or defacing property will also be suspended. All of the classes will be using their class funds to repay Ms. Krueger for the damages, and the freshmen and junior classes are still a little short, so any upcoming fundraisers will also go to her. Because of that, the freshmen and juniors will have their class trips cancelled because they won't have any money left. That'll show them!

Justin passes Maggie in the hall and totally checks out her rack again. Mandy the bitch comes up to Dawn and asks if she found her wallet. Apparently Mandy tried to plant Dawn's wallet at the party to get her in trouble, but had a few too many bottles of Strawberry Hill and stole Sunny's wallet instead.

The book ends with Dawn bitching about Carol not telling her dad about her pregnancy, Mandy being an assface, and Jill being more into Care Bears than Boone's. She decides to put together a group a people to raise money and go plant flowers and clean up at Ms. Krueger's. She says she knows the kids will like that. Probably not. Dawn apologizes to Jill, who apologizes back for letting the pregnancy secret slip. Even though the air is kind of cleared between them, Dawn says she's not sorry enough to work things out with Jill. And on that bitchy note, the book is over!

Is that Dawn after Sunny puked some Blue Hawaiian up on her? I wish.


Anonymous said...

Okay you little freshman bitches, fry like bacon!

So the California Diaries were just basically an emo wangst fest.

Love the Boones graphics!

snappleaddict said...

Someone so needed to paddle Dawn.

Dawn's diaries are pretty much all whines and disapproval. Sunny, Maggie, and Ducky all have real issues to deal with. Amalia does, too, but I don't like her so I always forget she exists. Dawn needs to get knocked up or something so she can get more interesting.

BadKat said...

Hazing, don’t even talk to me…I got thrown in a trashcan in one of the boys bathrooms the second day of my freshman year. All because my lifelong neighbor was a senior. He had had been warning us younger kids since his freshman year that we were going to get it during “Hell Week”. His over-testosteroned-out teen posse also duct taped out friend to a tree.

Worst yet, the next year I was all geared up to do some hazing myself and found out IT WAS BANNED! Damn anti-discrimination and hate crime laws!

maebetonight said...

So I'm pretty sure Jill has been, like, sexually abused and that's why she's regressing. Obviously suppressing her memories is going to come out later, but wait! No Jill books. Which is a shame because that would be like Law&Order SVU plus Claudia outfits! Amazing!

And I always thought Ducky was gay, but that could be John Cryer's fault. And there was some other teen series that I enjoyed as a kid with a gay character named Duckie. I wish I could remember who wrote that....all I remember is a chick named Weetzie. (I could look it up but I'm too lazy.)

Anyway, thanks for this recap! Dawn has always sucked; I'm sure it was a struggle to finish. Hooray!

maebetonight said...

oh yeah, and there's no prank ( hazing or otherwise) that would've compelled me or any of my high school friends to invite 8th graders to our house to drink the booze we worked so damn hard to acquire in the first place. yeah, right, dawn.

.....did jessi and mal contract? the pike triplets? dear god, how did they learn!?

BurtonFanatic said...

"Actually, if people could hear my thoughts I probably would have zero friends, but lots of boyfriends. Yeah, I'm a gross bitch."
Best quote of this blog so far.

And ditto to maenetonight's comment. Nobody was getting my Boone's in 8th grade! That $h!t is delicious.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha, great post. I was wary of reading a CD snark as those are probably my favourite BSC(-related) books, but this was brilliant. I can't wait for you to do Sunny, Diary 2 where Sunny plays an April Fools joke and Dawn goes ballistic.

Sarah said...

Did anyone else think it was weird that the Diaries just stopped? I thought it was weird that we got no closure for anything, and then one month...they just weren't on the shelves anymore.

boo! said...

fitting that as I read this I was listening to a Those Poor Bastards song that starts with the lyric: "Time to put on your hypocrite shoes"
I hate Dawn.

boo! said...

oh and the books with Ducky in it is The Weeitzie Bat books by Francesca Lia Block!

maebetonight said...

oh thanks boo! the Weetzie Bat books! I loved those!

whineyiney said...

I miss your blog! Please post again soon - this is what gets me through the work day!

TessieBambos said...

Ah, California Diaries. I love them. I really do, to the point of hugging one in an Op Shop after I found it. I always thought that Ducky wanted Sunny, and I also think he is nice and all. But then again, I'll respect anyone who can hang out with Dawn for longer then 1 diary. Bottom line?
Awesome blog and MAGGIE FTW!

TessieBambos said...

Hi again. Please recap some more California Diaries that would be awesomeness beyond words! Maybe an Amalia one? We could all leave our hate comments on Amalia, that would be fun. Eh, but maybe my hate on James would overtake Amalia. Oh well, we'll see who wins.

snappleaddict said...

They're hard to find around here! I'll do my best, though. I do love Maggie and Dawn is so fun to snark on.

charmecia said...

dawn is always a bitch
but i love her anyways.

though if you want a really horrible dawn, read book 60 of the babysitters club called mary anne's makeover.
that outta fuel the dawn hatred.

funny, ive always liked amalia basically because she was always the optimistic one in the series,next to maggie.

sunny is awesome, even if she is a slutty bitch, but hey she's dealing with some heavy shit though.

i never believed that ducky was gay because i always thought him and sunny were a couple due to the strong chemistry between them.

poor jill, never even had a series, yet is only shown in cameos, just shows how much ann m martin hates jill as much as mallory pike