YAY! My favorite FH Stephanie book! This is pretty much the exact same story as Stacey's Secret Friend, except with more neon. Obviously, this one is better. Oh yeah, and the nerdy girl's not secretly from Paris.
I got a lot of weird looks at this new library while I was perusing the juvenile fiction with my car keys and cell phone in my hand. The things I do for you guys, I swear. At least this library has their juvenile section just out in the open, where I can pretend to just be wandering around, unlike my local library, which has their juvenile section in another room. No pretending there!
This book begins with Stephanie searching for her black leather clogs before school. Michelle has totally trashed their room with all her stuffed animals and shit, and Stephanie's pissed. She's even more pissed when that little troll clomps upstairs in her clogs. Beat her! Steph and Michelle fight about the huge ass mess in the room, and for once Stephanie doesn't back down and apologize when Michelle calls her mean. Go Steph! Of course, since they're fighting the entire household has to come and butt in. That was something that always pissed me off about Full House. Do the adults just listen outside doorways and wait for fights to happen? Let them fight it out, I say. The fight ends with Stephanie saying that Michelle takes all her stuff without asking and is a huge slob. She tells Danny they need to do something about their room, and he agrees to let them redecorate it. Stephanie's happiness is short lived when she realizes that she missed the bus and now has to run all the way to school. Why can't DJ or Danny drive her? Or Joey? DJ might need to leave for school, and Danny might need to leave for work, but Joey doesn't do shit except sit around and leech off of his best friend. Dumb!
So Steph is late for homeroom, and gets reprimanded by her teacher. Stupid Michelle. Steph, Allie, and Darcy go to social studies class together, and the teacher has a new girl to introduce to everyone. Her name is Wendy Gorell, and man, is she clueless. She is short and thin, so at least there's that. However, she's wearing a lime green and yellow plaid knee-length skirt, saddle shoes, a hot pink blouse, and pigtails with bright yellow bows in them. Ouch! She also seems to be unaware that she looks like a piece of rainbow shit, because she has a huge stupid grin on her face. The teacher has her sit next to Stephanie, natch. The class is doing a report on popular culture, and Steph, Allie, and Darcy are doing theirs on fashion photography. Hopefully they get to see that hot piece of ass Nigel Barker! Of course, since they have a cool subject and Stephanie really is interested in it, the teacher tells her to work with Wendy instead. Wendy says "golly" a lot and wants to do their report on dolls. Stephanie asks if they can do something a little cooler, but Wendy doesn't get it. She also calls Steph "Stephie." The teacher starts asking the groups to give their topics, and Wendy announces that they're reporting on dolls before Steph can do anything. The other kids make fun of them, and Steph is super embarrassed.
Steph thinks when class ends she can escape Wendy, but Wendy ends up being in every one of her morning classes. She also has a "digital calendar" that Steph thinks is super dorky. Tell that to all the Palm Pilot and Blackberry owners, Stephanie. Wendy's all proud that it has 12K of memory, and I laugh. Oh, 1995. Wendy annoys the shit out of Steph all day, but Steph decides to try to be nice to her because it must be hard to be the new kid. She gives Wendy a tour, and Wendy blathers on and on about her shortwave radio and says golly a lot. Stephanie manages to escape her and runs into the caf for lunch.
...Or so she thought. She gets to the table where she, Allie, and Darcy sit and discovers that Wendy has been following her the whole time. Stephanie hopes her crush Brandon Fallow doesn't notice. Wendy asks the girls if they'd like to come over after school and play electronic jacks. Are you fucking kidding me? How nerdy can they make the girl? Even Mallory's looking cooler than her, and that's saying something. Stephanie declines the offer, saying that her aunt is taking the girls to the mall after school and her car only has room for 3 people. Allie, sitting back down after getting a drink, says she thought Steph's aunt had a station wagon. Stupid Allie. Steph makes an excuse and then tries to make a hasty escape. Yet again, Wendy follows her. As Steph walks past the Flamingoes' table she hears Jenni Morris make fun of Wendy.
(The Flamingoes, in case you've never read FH Stephanie before, are pretty much the same thing as the Unicorns, except dumber and bitchier. Jenni Morris is their leader, and they always wear something pink, have pink matching charm bracelets, and paint their pinky nail pink. Steph tried to join them in the first book, but they ended up trying to trick her into giving them her dad's phone card so one member could call her out-of-state boyfriend. DJ saved her from doing it, of course. Since then they've hated her.)
When Steph and Wendy return to the table Darcy and Allie are talking about the photoshoot they're going on for their social studies project. Stephanie is sad that she's going to miss it. Darcy and Allie tell her to come along anyway, but Stephanie says she promised her dad that she and Michelle would clean their room that day. Fashion shoot > cleaning your room, dumbass. Wendy starts going on and on about their doll project and says Steph can come over to her place to research it and listen to her shortwave radio, and Stephanie says the project will be better if they split it up: she'll do modern dolls and Wendy will do old-fashioned ones. Wendy isn't convinced this is a good idea, but Stephanie ignores her and stares at Brandon Fallow. She says that he's the cutest boy in school. He starts coming towards her table, and Wendy stands up and accidentally spills chocolate milk all over his face. She stands there and laughs and then asks Stephanie if she still thinks he's the cutest boy in school. Ouch!
Stephanie hides in the bathroom with Darcy and Allie, too humiliated to face anyone. D and A try to reassure her that Brandon didn't hear stupid Wendy's tactless comment. Jenni Morris and the Flamingoes walk in, and Jenni calls Wendy a geek and says the geekiness must be contagious so Steph better keep Wendy away from the Flamingoes. Um, okay. Then she tells Steph that she thinks Brandon is cute, too, and just her type, and walks out. Stephanie is horrified, because the Flamingoes all have huge mouths and will tell everyone what Wendy said. They go to their next class, and Wendy is in it. This school must not be too big. Wendy has no idea that she embarrassed Steph, because she's a tactless dumbass. She's also a dumbass because when this teacher has her come up and say something about herself she says that she loves her shortwave radio, dolls, and putting bows in her male poodle's hair, and then grins stupidly. The class starts chanting "Weird Wendy" and Wendy stands there, looking confused. Why doesn't the teacher tell them to shut up? Stephanie feels bad for Wendy.
What the fuck is a shortwave radio?
Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie meet up at the local hangout, Tony's Pizzeria, after school. Steph sees Brandon and tries to hide. Just then, Wendy walks in...with her grandma. Steph can't believe that Wendy would bring her grandma to such a cool place. If she just moved there, how would she know that this was the cool hangout in town? And what's so geeky about bringing her grandma? I bet she'll pay. Jenni Morris tells Wendy that there's a no geeks allowed policy, so she'll have to leave, but her grandma can stay. If only her grandma was TG, she'd whip that bitch into shape! "Making fun of my granddaughter? Arsenic in your pizza!" Oh wait, that's Corinne.
A few days later, Steph, Darcy, and Allie are hanging out in front of school before the bell rings. Steph tells her friends that she's been looking at wallpaper swatches for something bold and bright for her room. Speaking of bold and bright, they see Wendy, who is wearing neon green and bright purple. Subtlety is not Wendy's forte. Jenni Morris stops her and asks if she's going to her party. Wendy asks when it is, and Jenni asks if she got the invitation. Wendy says no, and Jenni says no invitation, no party. Jenni has the lamest bitchy comments and tricks, seriously. I mean, how stupid and immature was that? Jenni's supposed to be 2 years older than them, btw.
Steph, Darcy, and Allie talk some more at lunch about the room redecoration. Stephanie is thinking about some shelves for all of Michelle's shit and Darcy suggests just getting rid of Michelle. Go Darcy! Wendy enters the caf, and continuity isn't a big thing in this book, because now she is wearing a bright purple jumper, neon orange turtleneck, and Power Ranger bows in her pigtails. The original Power Rangers was fucking sweet. I was totally a Kimberly/Tommy 'shipper. I was also in 4th-5th grade, not 7th. Wendy obviously didn't get the memo that Jenni's a dumb bitch, because she asks if she can sit with them. They tell her only Flamingoes can sit there, and Wendy asks what a Flamingo is. Jenni says it's the coolest club in school and that she's the HBIC, and offers a chair for Wendy. As Wendy goes to sit in it, she pulls the chair away and Wendy ends up on the floor. The Flamingoes all laugh, and Wendy runs for the door. Steph takes off after her. Jenni needs to go take some sabotage lessons from Jessica Wakefield, because I'm not impressed.
After school, Stephanie helps Becky unload the groceries and tells her about Wendy and the Flamingoes. Becky gives the worst advice ever, saying that Stephanie's a good person and will know what to do or some crap like that. Thanks for nothing, Becky! Steph heads up to her room to find out her troll of a little sister has lined up all of her 8 million stuffed animals on the floor. She throws them on Michelle's bed and starts to look at a decorating magazine for ideas. She sees a room with futons and bikes and skis hanging from ceiling hooks and loves it. Futons are generally uncomfortable, Steph. She remembers that she's supposed to be working on her doll report, and thinks of Wendy. Suddenly she gets a great idea about what to do for Wendy, makeover!
The next day before school Steph tells Darcy and Allie that they should give Wendy a makeover and be friends with her and then maybe kids won't think she's so weird. Stephanie, you also are not Cher Horowitz. Maybe when you refuse to lay down while held at gunpoint because you'll ruin your Alaia dress we can talk. Darcy and Allie are not cool with this idea, because Wendy sucks as a dresser and as a person. Wendy enters the school, and Jenni shoves her. Her backpack comes open and a bunch of electronic pieces fall out. Jenni kicks them across the hall. I guess she took my advice, damn! A teacher heard the whole thing, and gives Jenni a week of detention. Jenni is hella pissed, and tells Wendy she's dead meat. She goes off to think of more stupid pranks, like telling Wendy her shoes are untied when they're not.
In social studies, Steph smiles at Wendy. Wendy takes this to mean that they're BFF, because she passes Steph a note asking her to get together with her after school so they can work on their report and signs it "Your friend, Wendy Gorell." Stephanie thinks that this is why it's so hard to be around Wendy, because one kind action makes her think they're best friends. At lunch, Steph tells Wendy that she has some things she needs to talk about in private with Darcy and Allie, and asks if Wendy could sit somewhere else. Wendy says okay, and as she passes the Flamingoes, Jenni asks her if Gross and Horrible designed her clothes. The Pink Panther obviously designed Jenni's ensemble, so I don't think she should talk. Wendy sits down at a nearby table, and the Flamingoes start shooting spitballs at her. Gross! Does one almost blind the gym teacher? Snaps to you if you get the reference! Stephanie yanks Wendy out and talks to her. She tells her that as long as she's different, the Flamingoes will pick on her. The Flamingoes are all about conformity, what with their similar outfits and such. Stephanie tells Wendy she'll help her fit in.
Stephanie and Wendy go to the mall after school. Steph tells her they need to change her clothes and hair first. Wendy is surprised, because likes her clothes and thinks they're cute. Stephanie tells her the three phases of the Make Wendy Cool project: 1 - change clothes and hair, 2 - no more golly, 3 - music and movie stars. You forgot personality, Steph. They enter a store, and Wendy spots a lime green and purple jumpsuit with bows on the shoulders and loves it. Stacy and Clinton would pass out from that monstrosity. Stephanie picks out clothes, and Wendy gets faded loose fit jeans with deep pockets; red, black, and white oversized t-shirts; black clogs; black leggings; and a denim miniskirt. They move on to accessories, and Steph hands Wendy some scrunchies and tells her to lose the pigtails and the bows. Haha, scrunchies!
Stephanie and Wendy go to Steph's house after the mall so Steph can teach her some more stuff. Michelle the troll is in their room, being an idiot. She tells Steph she has some ideas for their room. She says she doesn't think that little pieces of wallpaper all over the walls looks good. Stephanie tells her those are just samples taped up to see how they'd look. Michelle says she wants wallpaper like her puppy and kitten posters. Then she says she has an idea for more space, and that is bunk desks. Did their mom smoke crack while she was pregnant with Michelle? Stephanie tells her there's no way they're having puppy and kitten wallpaper, bunk desks don't exist, and GTFO. Michelle says she'll leave if they promise to play with her later. I would've threatened to punch her unless she leaves, but Stephanie just agrees. Michelle leaves, and Steph turns her attention to Wendy. Wendy tries on clothes, and tucks her t-shirt into her leggings. Ugh. Steph corrects her, and gives her a black sweater vest and velvet choker to borrow to wear with the outfit. Sweater vests should be banned. Danny bursts in and tells Steph he has some ideas for the room. He wants pink walls, flowered curtains, and a toy chest. Okay, maybe if it was just Michelle living in the room. Steph tells him she was thinking more about striped wallpaper, futons, and shelves. Joey runs in and asks Danny if he remembers the leak in the bathroom. Danny ignores him and tells Steph that wallpaper is hear to clean and shelves will get dusty. Joey tells Danny he tried to fix the leak. DJ runs in and says that the bathroom is flooded. Joey's not even good for chores, why the hell is he still living there? They all run out, and Wendy says their house has a lot going on. Steph says they can call it a day and tells Wendy to wear one of her new outfits the next day. Wendy asks Steph what she'll be wearing, and she pulls out her denim miniskirt, black clogs, lavender t-shirt, and black and white checked headband. This can't be good.
And it's not good! Wendy shows up at Steph's house the next morning in the exact same outfit. Stephanie hurries up and changes. Good thing she didn't show up to school like that! At the bus stop Darcy and Allie compliment Wendy on her outfit. Wendy tells them Steph picked it out, and they get all snotty. What's up their butts?
That weekend, Stephanie has Wendy over so DJ can help her with her clothes, too. Darcy and Allie are due to come later so they can all go out for pizza. They come, and act all sarcastic and bitchy about Wendy's clothes again. Stephanie ignores them and continues teaching Wendy stuff, like the art of the headband poof. You guys know it, and I'm sure you rocked it, as I did. You put on your headband a little too far back and then push it forward into place, creating a poof of hair in front of the headband. So sexy. Darcy and Allie are still ho-like. Wendy says something stupid about hippity-hop music and golly, and Steph tells her to quit saying golly and that it's hip hop, not hippity hop. Darcy and Allie laugh at her, and then say they have to go. Steph asks what about their pizza plans, and they say that was over an hour ago and now they have to go home. Darcy and Allie are being so lame. Steph's pissed, and walks them to the door. D and A tell her that it sucks that Wendy dresses just like Steph and goes everywhere with her and that the makeover has gone overboard. Steph is hurt, and D and A leave without saying goodbye. Adios, bitches!
Stephanie returns to her room to find Danny in it with a measuring tape. He says he's measuring for bunk beds. Steph tells him that's not what she wants, but Danny doesn't listen. She and Wendy leave for the pizza place. Of course, the Flamingoes are there. Jenni says that Wendy is Steph's little obedient puppy, and Stephanie cracks. She tells Jenni that the Flamingoes are the puppy dogs, since they dress alike, act alike, and even wear the same color. Jenni is shocked, and Steph grabs Wendy and leaves. Watch out, Steph, Jenni might bookdrop you in the halls tomorrow or something equally stupid.
Stephanie is fearful and Wendy is crying as they're walking home. Of course, almost immediately Becky pulls up and offers them a ride. Not only do the adults hover by doorways, but they follow the girls around town in their cars. She gives some more crappy non-advice, and takes the girls to the mall. She and Wendy spend time nerding around the antique dolls at the toy store while Steph impatiently waits. They run into Danny, who is all excited about the pale pink paint he just bought for Stephanie and Troll's room. Steph tells him again that she would like striped wallpaper, but he just tells her to give the pink a chance.
The next afternoon at school, Wendy has big news for Steph. Bobby Zayles, a hot guy that hangs out with Brandon Fallow has left a note in her locker, asking her if she wants to go out for pizza. Wendy is excited, and Stephanie says they'll find out if the not is real after school at football practice, because Bobby's on the team. Who goes to watch junior high football practice? Lame! Before practice begins, Wendy heads on over to Bobby and tells him that she'd love to go out for pizza with him. He tells her he doesn't know what she's talking about, he has a girlfriend, and he doesn't even know who Wendy is. Oh noes!
Of course the Flamingoes set up the practical joke, and it must've taken all of them to think that one up, because they are pretty damn stupid. Who would think they are still cool? They're in ninth grade and they pick on little seventh graders. I'd love to see Jenni the next year at high school, when she's the youngest in the school and not the coolest any more. Of course, she probably doesn't have to worry about that just yet, because she's so dumb she has at least another 3 years of ninth grade ahead of her. Anyway, Wendy is understandably upset, and runs home. Steph comes after her. Wendy's mom answers the door and tells Steph Wendy is downstairs. Steph goes down and comforts her, and they start thinkng of stuff to do to Jenni. Wendy says they can glue the pages of her schoolbooks together, but Steph says Jenni probably doesn't use them anyway, haha. They come with an idea to let the other Flamingoes know that Jenni talks shit about them, using Wendy's AV Club skills and Stephanie's position on the school newspaper.
Stephanie comes home and sees her dad with tons of pink fabric and lace. He tells her he got bedspreads and curtains for the bedroom. Stephanie gets mad and tells him once again that she doesn't want pink. Danny is confused. Stephanie storms off and then Danny joins her, and they call a truce. I don't know what they'll do with the new bedspreads, though.
Wendy and Steph execute their plan, and it goes off perfectly. Stephanie pretends to be interviewing Jenni during lunch for an upcoming issue of the school newspaper. Wendy is in the background, recording the whole interview. Jenni of course starts talking trash about the other Flamingoes and saying that she's the prettiest one and they're all jealous of her and they would be nothing without her. She's so dumb. She leaves, and Wendy tells Steph she has a surprise for her. Turns out that instead of recording the interview, Wendy aired the entire thing live over the loudspeaker so the entire cafeteria could hear it. Go Wendy! This is much better revenge than throwing food on someone. I'm looking at you, BSC.
Wendy and Stephanie go into the caf, and the other Flamingoes are yelling at Jenni. Jenni turns on Steph and Wendy, and Wendy says that they aired the entire interview, but how could they know Jenni would say such nasty things? All the other kids congratulate Wendy, which is puzzling to me. They make fun of her to go along with Jenni, and then befriend her to go against Jenni? What? Darcy and Allie congratulate Wendy, and she says golly. Stephanie asks her what she said about that word, and Wendy yells at Steph, tells her to quit running her life, and leaves. Stephanie is in shock, because she doesn't know how Wendy can be so ungrateful. Darcy and Allie say that maybe Wendy is right, and Stephanie gets pissed and leaves.
Stephanie and Danny have a talk at home after school about how he was trying to run her life and take over the room decorating without giving her any say in it. To be fair, Stephanie wasn't giving Michelle any say in it either, but then again, she suggested bunk desks, so I can't say I blame her there. Danny looks at the picture of the room Stephanie likes, and agrees that it is nice. He tells her that if Troll agrees to it then they can go for it.
Now it's the morning that Stephanie's doll report is due. She brings 3 of Michelle's dolls to school with her in a bag. She had to promise all sorts of shit to get them. I'd just take them, it's not like Michelle would notice if three of her millions of dolls were gone while she was at school for the day. These people let that troll run their lives too much. Stephanie sees Wendy at school and apaologizes to her. Wendy accepts her apology and introduces her to some AV Club members. They not only want Wendy to join, they want to make her president! Steph is happy for Wendy and tells her that she's totally unprepared for their report. Wendy says she has it all under control.
Report time! Stephanie looks like a damn fool with her three shitty dolls and totally wings it, and Wendy brings out some beautiful handmade antique dolls and gives the history on them, and tells that the women in her family have passed down their knowledge on how to make dolls for a long time. She then shows the class some doll clothes she recently designed and made, and they are beautiful. The class is impressed with Wendy's talent. The teacher gives them an A. I think only Wendy should get the A, because Stephanie was clearly unprepared and sucked ass. Plus, don't they need a paper and research to go along with their presentation? This class is way easy.
At lunch Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie talk and Stephanie says that Wendy is actually pretty cool, and Steph apologizes to them. They all make up, and I think Darcy and Allie should be apologizing for being little snots, but they don't.
At home, Danny tells Stephanie that DJ wants the pink paint for her room, and that they can go shopping for the stuff Steph wants for the room. This is the last we ever hear of it, that I know of, and I kind of wish we had seen what the room looked like in the show. Oh well!
Look at the size of that cordless phone! Remember when that shit was high tech? The phone and the scrunchie both seriously date this photo. Speaking of the fashion, I totally had a few different versions of Stephanie's earrings (they're silver stick figures, in case you can't see). Jodie Sweetin has a little hint of a snaggletooth, but I still can't figure out if it's that or something else that makes her smile so weird looking in this picture. How rude!
Speaking of Jodie Sweetin, let's all congratulate her on giving birth to a girl on Saturday! Go Jodie, you're way cooler than the Olsen twins any day!