I've never read this book, so bear with me while I read it as I'm writing this post. I picked it up off the discard shelf because I figured that a Little Sister book is always easy to make fun of.
It kind of bugged me that every Little Sister book title was Karen's something. Other things that bugged me about Little Sister books: the huge font, shitty internal pictures, Karen, the alphabet block letters on the front cover not being the same font as the regular BSC, gigundo, Emily Jr., no one using contractions, and two-twos. There's more I don't like, but I just don't feel like naming it. Maybe I should try to name what I actually do like instead. Let's see...hmmm...drawing a blank here, guys. Oops!
Okay, I just read the first paragraph and I already want to throw this book across the room. Karen is laying in bed listening to her stomach growling. Um, eat? That fug child isn't going to be a supermodel any time soon, so she doesn't have to starve herself. Andrew comes in and calls her a sleepyhead. I would've thrown the closest object at him, but Karen just gets dressed really fast and goes downstairs to eat breakfast. Why is she getting dressed in the summer? I had two summer outfits: pajamas and swimsuit. Most of the time the swimsuit was under the pajamas. I only got dressed in the summer when school was still in session, and then it was spandex biker shorts or overall shorts. Karen needs to get with it.
There's some crap about Karen loving the fruit in her cereal and then going out to play Red Light, Green Light with a bunch of neighborhood kids and Andrew. Then we have the usual Chapter 2 with all of the background information that we already know and don't care about.
At dinner, Karen makes a Dalmatian out of her watermelon seeds. Her mother encourages this stupidity by telling her it's terrific instead of doing what I would do, which is shove the watermelon down her throat. Not that I'm discouraging creativity, I just hate Karen. Seth gets a phone call and it's bad news, oh noes. Seth's dad is in the hospital. Karen asks if he broke his wrist, because she can tell him everything about that. No, dumbass. He had a heart attack and is going to need a bypass. Seth makes arrangements to fly out to Nebraska to be with him and his mother. Karen and Andrew are scared, so they make Grandad some get well cards. Karen says makign the cards helps her to not be scared any more. It's easy to distract her.
The next day the parents make a decision. Seth will fly out soon, and then three weeks later Lisa, Andrew, and Karen will fly out to join him. Lisa says she will cook some stuff to bring there. Can you take food on airplanes? Seth says he thought of a great gift for his parents: a TV and VCR. Karen is doubtful because Grandad once told her that TV was a waste of money and that's why they didn't have one. I'm just going to take a minute here and go hug my plasma TV and beloved Tivo. I'll never call you wastes of money, babies! Karen then asks how they will watch anything since Seth's parents don't have cable on their farm. There's other channels that aren't cable, retard. Our TV in our kitchen isn't hooked up to cable or satellite and it still functions. Instead of explaining this to his annoying stepdaughter, Seth says that he is getting them the VCR for that reason, so they can watch movies on tape. Apparently Seth doesn't know that TVs get channels without cable or satellite either. Seth calls his friend Howard, who runs an appliance store, and tells him to have a TV and a VCR ready for him to ship to Nebraska. Karen says that they get all their appliances from Howard, because he gives Seth a good discount. Yeah, a five-finger one. Karen decides she needs to think of a gift to give Grandad. How about staying at home?
Karen's mom drops her and Andrew off at Watson's house. Karen, Andrew, and Kristy spend a bunch of time making lemonade, and keep having to add sugar or lemons because it's either too sweet or too sour. Do no grocery stores in Stoneybrook carry some good old Country Time mix? These bitches are always making lemonade the hard way! Karen comes up with the not-so-great idea of making a movie for Grandad with Watson's video camera. Because what's better than documenting her annoyingness so you can relive it again and again! Also, camcorders were pretty expensive back then. I know Watson's loaded and all, but do you really think he's going to let his ADHD-ridden 7 year old and all of her grimy friends play with it? Apparently so, because I just flipped ahead and the issue never comes up.
Karen, Hannie, and Nancy come up with the dumbest script in the history of movies. It's called Princess Gigglepuss, and it's chock full of knock knock jokes and other stupidity. I think some of my brain cells voluntarily left after reading it. She casts some of the neighborhood kids in it, but they have to pretend they have a camera for awhile until she can get the real one.
Karen talks to her grandma on the phone and tells her she has a surprise planned for Grandad, but won't say what it is. I'm sure she cares, what with her husband in such critical condition. Karen writes Grandad a letter and makes sure to dump tons of glitter all over it. She's so thoughtful.
Karen has a movie meeting. She hands out pictures she drew of what everyone's costumes are supposed to look like. I can't even imagine how shitty they must look. Karen bosses everyone around while they make their costumes. They're not happy. The next day she bosses around everyone at rehearsal. The other kids are even less happy. Karen says she's the director and the director's job is to boss people around. I think we all know where this is going. Andrew flubs his lines and Karen goes all apeshit on him. Nancy tells her to calm the fuck down because Andrew's only 4. Karen says it's going to be a long day.
A few days later, they're ready to film. A kid in Karen's class is using the camcorder, and I still think that's not cool. Karen continues to be a bossy asshole, and Hannie calls her out on it. Karen reminds her that she is the director and that is how directors are. She continues to be a ho, but they get through it. Karen yells cut and all the other kids celebrate and run away from her.
Shit, now I'm nervous. Karen sits down later to watch the tape. She's not happy. Bobby sucks at filming (he is only 7 or 8, after all, not fucking Spielberg), then someone has the nerve to sneeze off-camera, then Hannie doesn't say her lines to Karen's liking...basically Karen's treating this piece of shit like it's going to be nominated for an Oscar or something. The next day she makes the kids shoot the scenes again, and lays down some rules. No one is allowed to sneeze or cough, Bobby has to film things non-shittily (yeah, I just made that word up, so what?), and Hannie has to say her lines more cheerfully. Hannie gets pissed and quits. Hannie's always the cockblock in these books, isn't she? Everyone else quits too.
Karen goes to Watson's, and he asks her how her movie is coming along. She says it's okay, and asks if there are Academy Awards for home movies. Who called that one? She and Sam watch the movie together, and they see her acting like a bossy bitch. Sam says she's a tough director, but he misses the sneezing in the background. Oh Sam. I'd probably do him. Sam says he'll edit out the parts where Karen is acting like a little brat at the high school on their editing equipment. Or he could just hook the camcorder up to the VCR and put another tape in and record what he wants. That's how we did it for my high school English video project.
Karen gets packed for Nebraska. She is leaving the next day. She packs some hick clothes, like overalls and a straw hat, and tells Andrew all the farm stuff they'll do. Andrew asks if the plane ride will be fun. Didn't they fly in the first Super Special? I know they took a cruise, but I thought they flew at one point in the book, too. Karen wants to call Hannie or Nancy, but no one wants to talk to her since the movie shit went down. I didn't want to talk to her before then, but that's just me.
They fly out to Nebraska, and Seth meets them at the Omaha airport. Karen is all ready to have some fun on the farm, and is disappointed when Seth says he's going back to the hospital and Lisa is staying in the house near the phone. Well, duh, dumbass, you're not there for a vacation, you're there because your grandfather is having serious health problems. Karen shows Andrew around the farm, and acts like a little snot because she had been there before and done lots of cool things while he hadn't. Lisa calls them into the house, where Grandad is waiting on the phone for them. He says he feels better and will be home in a few days. Karen is excited.
The next day Karen's grandma takes Karen and Andrew to a neighboring farm where her friend Tia lives. She and Andrew play with Tia the stereotypical hick until Granny comes and picks them up again. This book is seriously all filler.
Grandad's homecoming! More filler about him looking frail and tired. Karen thought he'd look better because hospitals are supposed to make you well. Someone should sit her down and explain what bypass surgery is to her. They have a welcome-home party for him, and Karen is excited to give him her movie. She makes him watch is right then and there and he loves it. Granny says it must've taken a lot of cooperation, and Karen starts to feel bad because she thinks of all the film of her acting like a little snot that was edited out. All her friends are still mad at her, so Karen decides that since this party made Grandad feel better, she'll have a party for her friends when she gets back home to make them feel better. Or just apologize? I know she can't use contractions, but she can say "I am sorry" or "I am a little snotrag" instead.
Karen goes home to Connecticut and thinks of a special way she can thank her friends. Uh, say it? A few days after coming home, they have a party. They play dumb games and watch the movie together and shit. Karen gives them their special thank you surprise. She drew a movie poster and had her mom make copies of it. It has the movie's name and a picture of a cat wearing a crown on it, and then everyone's name underneath the drawing, with her name last and in the smallest print. It's hella lame, and doesn't make up for her acting like a douche, but her friends all love it and forgive her. Everyone's dumb!
Karen is so fug. I can't even comment on the rest of the photo because my eyes are bleeding from her hideousness.
I'll try to get some of the awful inside pics up tomorrow, as it's kind of late and I need to go to bed. Someone colored inside my book, so they look even worse than usual. The inside pics of Karen make her look like a supermodel on the outside one. They're that bad.
Update: Here you go, guys! Sorry I didn't put them up yesterday, but I was so busy. Okay, I can't lie. I was watching America's Next Top Model on MTV all day and then I took a nap.
Bobby's rocking out his jorts some more, Karen's being a bossy ho.
I just love the look on Bobby's face in this one. Karen's being a little snot again, and Bobby's just like, "Hell to the naw!" I think I'm a Bobby fan.
Karen looks like she has Down's Syndrome in this picture. Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing!
Would you forgive Karen if she gave you this piece of crap? I would just be more mad at her.
There's more pictures, but they all basically consist of Karen looking ugly and doing everyday shit, or more of her bossing around the other kids. Hate!