Monday, April 21, 2008

BSC Little Sister #63 Karen's Movie *Now with inside pics!*

I've never read this book, so bear with me while I read it as I'm writing this post. I picked it up off the discard shelf because I figured that a Little Sister book is always easy to make fun of.

It kind of bugged me that every Little Sister book title was Karen's something. Other things that bugged me about Little Sister books: the huge font, shitty internal pictures, Karen, the alphabet block letters on the front cover not being the same font as the regular BSC, gigundo, Emily Jr., no one using contractions, and two-twos. There's more I don't like, but I just don't feel like naming it. Maybe I should try to name what I actually do like instead. Let's see...hmmm...drawing a blank here, guys. Oops!

Okay, I just read the first paragraph and I already want to throw this book across the room. Karen is laying in bed listening to her stomach growling. Um, eat? That fug child isn't going to be a supermodel any time soon, so she doesn't have to starve herself. Andrew comes in and calls her a sleepyhead. I would've thrown the closest object at him, but Karen just gets dressed really fast and goes downstairs to eat breakfast. Why is she getting dressed in the summer? I had two summer outfits: pajamas and swimsuit. Most of the time the swimsuit was under the pajamas. I only got dressed in the summer when school was still in session, and then it was spandex biker shorts or overall shorts. Karen needs to get with it.

There's some crap about Karen loving the fruit in her cereal and then going out to play Red Light, Green Light with a bunch of neighborhood kids and Andrew. Then we have the usual Chapter 2 with all of the background information that we already know and don't care about.

At dinner, Karen makes a Dalmatian out of her watermelon seeds. Her mother encourages this stupidity by telling her it's terrific instead of doing what I would do, which is shove the watermelon down her throat. Not that I'm discouraging creativity, I just hate Karen. Seth gets a phone call and it's bad news, oh noes. Seth's dad is in the hospital. Karen asks if he broke his wrist, because she can tell him everything about that. No, dumbass. He had a heart attack and is going to need a bypass. Seth makes arrangements to fly out to Nebraska to be with him and his mother. Karen and Andrew are scared, so they make Grandad some get well cards. Karen says makign the cards helps her to not be scared any more. It's easy to distract her.

The next day the parents make a decision. Seth will fly out soon, and then three weeks later Lisa, Andrew, and Karen will fly out to join him. Lisa says she will cook some stuff to bring there. Can you take food on airplanes? Seth says he thought of a great gift for his parents: a TV and VCR. Karen is doubtful because Grandad once told her that TV was a waste of money and that's why they didn't have one. I'm just going to take a minute here and go hug my plasma TV and beloved Tivo. I'll never call you wastes of money, babies! Karen then asks how they will watch anything since Seth's parents don't have cable on their farm. There's other channels that aren't cable, retard. Our TV in our kitchen isn't hooked up to cable or satellite and it still functions. Instead of explaining this to his annoying stepdaughter, Seth says that he is getting them the VCR for that reason, so they can watch movies on tape. Apparently Seth doesn't know that TVs get channels without cable or satellite either. Seth calls his friend Howard, who runs an appliance store, and tells him to have a TV and a VCR ready for him to ship to Nebraska. Karen says that they get all their appliances from Howard, because he gives Seth a good discount. Yeah, a five-finger one. Karen decides she needs to think of a gift to give Grandad. How about staying at home?

Karen's mom drops her and Andrew off at Watson's house. Karen, Andrew, and Kristy spend a bunch of time making lemonade, and keep having to add sugar or lemons because it's either too sweet or too sour. Do no grocery stores in Stoneybrook carry some good old Country Time mix? These bitches are always making lemonade the hard way! Karen comes up with the not-so-great idea of making a movie for Grandad with Watson's video camera. Because what's better than documenting her annoyingness so you can relive it again and again! Also, camcorders were pretty expensive back then. I know Watson's loaded and all, but do you really think he's going to let his ADHD-ridden 7 year old and all of her grimy friends play with it? Apparently so, because I just flipped ahead and the issue never comes up.

Karen, Hannie, and Nancy come up with the dumbest script in the history of movies. It's called Princess Gigglepuss, and it's chock full of knock knock jokes and other stupidity. I think some of my brain cells voluntarily left after reading it. She casts some of the neighborhood kids in it, but they have to pretend they have a camera for awhile until she can get the real one.

Karen talks to her grandma on the phone and tells her she has a surprise planned for Grandad, but won't say what it is. I'm sure she cares, what with her husband in such critical condition. Karen writes Grandad a letter and makes sure to dump tons of glitter all over it. She's so thoughtful.

Karen has a movie meeting. She hands out pictures she drew of what everyone's costumes are supposed to look like. I can't even imagine how shitty they must look. Karen bosses everyone around while they make their costumes. They're not happy. The next day she bosses around everyone at rehearsal. The other kids are even less happy. Karen says she's the director and the director's job is to boss people around. I think we all know where this is going. Andrew flubs his lines and Karen goes all apeshit on him. Nancy tells her to calm the fuck down because Andrew's only 4. Karen says it's going to be a long day.

A few days later, they're ready to film. A kid in Karen's class is using the camcorder, and I still think that's not cool. Karen continues to be a bossy asshole, and Hannie calls her out on it. Karen reminds her that she is the director and that is how directors are. She continues to be a ho, but they get through it. Karen yells cut and all the other kids celebrate and run away from her.

Shit, now I'm nervous. Karen sits down later to watch the tape. She's not happy. Bobby sucks at filming (he is only 7 or 8, after all, not fucking Spielberg), then someone has the nerve to sneeze off-camera, then Hannie doesn't say her lines to Karen's liking...basically Karen's treating this piece of shit like it's going to be nominated for an Oscar or something. The next day she makes the kids shoot the scenes again, and lays down some rules. No one is allowed to sneeze or cough, Bobby has to film things non-shittily (yeah, I just made that word up, so what?), and Hannie has to say her lines more cheerfully. Hannie gets pissed and quits. Hannie's always the cockblock in these books, isn't she? Everyone else quits too.

Karen goes to Watson's, and he asks her how her movie is coming along. She says it's okay, and asks if there are Academy Awards for home movies. Who called that one? She and Sam watch the movie together, and they see her acting like a bossy bitch. Sam says she's a tough director, but he misses the sneezing in the background. Oh Sam. I'd probably do him. Sam says he'll edit out the parts where Karen is acting like a little brat at the high school on their editing equipment. Or he could just hook the camcorder up to the VCR and put another tape in and record what he wants. That's how we did it for my high school English video project.

Karen gets packed for Nebraska. She is leaving the next day. She packs some hick clothes, like overalls and a straw hat, and tells Andrew all the farm stuff they'll do. Andrew asks if the plane ride will be fun. Didn't they fly in the first Super Special? I know they took a cruise, but I thought they flew at one point in the book, too. Karen wants to call Hannie or Nancy, but no one wants to talk to her since the movie shit went down. I didn't want to talk to her before then, but that's just me.

They fly out to Nebraska, and Seth meets them at the Omaha airport. Karen is all ready to have some fun on the farm, and is disappointed when Seth says he's going back to the hospital and Lisa is staying in the house near the phone. Well, duh, dumbass, you're not there for a vacation, you're there because your grandfather is having serious health problems. Karen shows Andrew around the farm, and acts like a little snot because she had been there before and done lots of cool things while he hadn't. Lisa calls them into the house, where Grandad is waiting on the phone for them. He says he feels better and will be home in a few days. Karen is excited.

The next day Karen's grandma takes Karen and Andrew to a neighboring farm where her friend Tia lives. She and Andrew play with Tia the stereotypical hick until Granny comes and picks them up again. This book is seriously all filler.

Grandad's homecoming! More filler about him looking frail and tired. Karen thought he'd look better because hospitals are supposed to make you well. Someone should sit her down and explain what bypass surgery is to her. They have a welcome-home party for him, and Karen is excited to give him her movie. She makes him watch is right then and there and he loves it. Granny says it must've taken a lot of cooperation, and Karen starts to feel bad because she thinks of all the film of her acting like a little snot that was edited out. All her friends are still mad at her, so Karen decides that since this party made Grandad feel better, she'll have a party for her friends when she gets back home to make them feel better. Or just apologize? I know she can't use contractions, but she can say "I am sorry" or "I am a little snotrag" instead.

Karen goes home to Connecticut and thinks of a special way she can thank her friends. Uh, say it? A few days after coming home, they have a party. They play dumb games and watch the movie together and shit. Karen gives them their special thank you surprise. She drew a movie poster and had her mom make copies of it. It has the movie's name and a picture of a cat wearing a crown on it, and then everyone's name underneath the drawing, with her name last and in the smallest print. It's hella lame, and doesn't make up for her acting like a douche, but her friends all love it and forgive her. Everyone's dumb!

Karen is so fug. I can't even comment on the rest of the photo because my eyes are bleeding from her hideousness.

I'll try to get some of the awful inside pics up tomorrow, as it's kind of late and I need to go to bed. Someone colored inside my book, so they look even worse than usual. The inside pics of Karen make her look like a supermodel on the outside one. They're that bad.

Update: Here you go, guys! Sorry I didn't put them up yesterday, but I was so busy. Okay, I can't lie. I was watching America's Next Top Model on MTV all day and then I took a nap.

Bobby's rocking out his jorts some more, Karen's being a bossy ho.

I just love the look on Bobby's face in this one. Karen's being a little snot again, and Bobby's just like, "Hell to the naw!" I think I'm a Bobby fan.

Karen looks like she has Down's Syndrome in this picture. Don't tell me you weren't thinking the same thing!

Would you forgive Karen if she gave you this piece of crap? I would just be more mad at her.

There's more pictures, but they all basically consist of Karen looking ugly and doing everyday shit, or more of her bossing around the other kids. Hate!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Procrastination Post

You know what really sucked in grade school (1-8 for me, we didn't have a separate junior high in my hickass town)? Gym class. Man, I hated gym. I am not athletic in the least bit, and I was always picked last. Always! Even when my friends were chosen as captains! Then when we'd play, I would never ever get a chance to get better because I was never passed the ball. I'd be wide open on the basketball court and my teammates would choose to have the ball stolen than throw it to sucky me. Yeah, I probably wouldn't catch it anyway, but come on. It's fucking 7th grade gym class, who cares if you win or lose?

I'm not going to lie and say it didn't hurt that I was picked last, because it did. I don't know why my gym teachers would make us go through that crap when they could've just divided up the teams themselves. It would've been so much easier, and better for the kids who no one wanted. Gym teachers are sadists, though, I guess. My gym teacher for 6-8 grade was a man, and this was also the time in my life when I would get cramps from my period so badly that I could barely walk, let alone stand around a basketball court and watch my classmates ignore me while they played. I only went to school because I was in line for valedictorian and didn't want to miss a thing. So one day I asked him if I could sit out, because it hurt so badly. I even told him why I was in pain, which is the last resort for any 12-14 year old girl to say to their male teacher. He refused, and I spent the whole class doubled over on the basketball court in pain, wishing menstrual cramps on him for all his life. I swear, if guys had a period for just one day, there would never be another PMS joke again. EVER!

I guess this is just a lesson to any future or current gym teachers out there: choose teams yourself to spare the unathletic, and allow sitting out for monthly pains.

I guess I can take solace in the fact that I was always picked first for spelldowns and Brain Quest.

My mom bought me a set of Brain Quest cards, 4th grade ones I think, and we'd do them on long car rides.

So were you guys the unwanted unathletic children or the stronger ones that shunned the kids who couldn't catch a ball to save their lives?

Monday, April 14, 2008

SVH Second Time Around

When I first heard that they were re-releasing SVH for today's teens, I wasn't too please, to say the least. I don't like change that much, especially with things that I loved as a child (I still get pissed at today's Polly Pockets). But, you know,if they just updated the slang and outfits to fit with today, maybe it would be okay. Not so. After reading the "SVH 2008" section on the Dairi Burger and the article on Go Fug Yourself, I'm pissed.

-No Dairi Burger. It's been renamed.
-Bruce drives a Cadillac, and doesn't have the 1bruce1 vanity plate. As the LJ group 1bruce1 puts it, "Who the hell gets seduced in a Cadillac?"
-Dana Larson is emo and the Droids was also renamed.
-No Lisette's. They all shop at name brand stores like Abercrombie and Hollister.
-Twins are now a perfect size 4.
-Here's Amazon's description of Power Play: "Jessica Wakefield is used to setting off sparks. But when she starts a new, highly selective club—the Sweet Valley High Beautification Committee—she begins a war with her twin sister.

Elizabeth knows that Jessica has more on her mind than simply cleaning up the SVH campus. It’s obvious that the Beauties are out to become the most elite group of girls at school, even if it means walking all over those they deem less worthy. Only one Wakefield can reign supreme. And Liz is determined to show Jessica that the final say on beauty won’t come from a committee vote."

WTF is that shit? No PBA? No fat Robin chowing down on candy bars while Elizabeth gives her a disapproving and condescending look? How can they call this SVH?

I don't know if this series will really do that well, even updated. I mean, look at the Gossip Girl series. They say fuck and have sex and drink and do drugs. SVH tries to make us believe that Jessica is still a virgin. SVH just isn't edgy or mature enough to compete. I read an excerpt of the first one and it was so bad, like an older person throwing in tons of name brands and cool lingo to make themselves sound hip, when really they're just overusing them.

Maybe my love for trashy 80's books and things I grew up with is clouding my judgment, but I have to give the new SVH a big thumbs down. What do you guys think?

Full House Stephanie Getting Even With The Flamingoes

YAY! My favorite FH Stephanie book! This is pretty much the exact same story as Stacey's Secret Friend, except with more neon. Obviously, this one is better. Oh yeah, and the nerdy girl's not secretly from Paris.

I got a lot of weird looks at this new library while I was perusing the juvenile fiction with my car keys and cell phone in my hand. The things I do for you guys, I swear. At least this library has their juvenile section just out in the open, where I can pretend to just be wandering around, unlike my local library, which has their juvenile section in another room. No pretending there!

This book begins with Stephanie searching for her black leather clogs before school. Michelle has totally trashed their room with all her stuffed animals and shit, and Stephanie's pissed. She's even more pissed when that little troll clomps upstairs in her clogs. Beat her! Steph and Michelle fight about the huge ass mess in the room, and for once Stephanie doesn't back down and apologize when Michelle calls her mean. Go Steph! Of course, since they're fighting the entire household has to come and butt in. That was something that always pissed me off about Full House. Do the adults just listen outside doorways and wait for fights to happen? Let them fight it out, I say. The fight ends with Stephanie saying that Michelle takes all her stuff without asking and is a huge slob. She tells Danny they need to do something about their room, and he agrees to let them redecorate it. Stephanie's happiness is short lived when she realizes that she missed the bus and now has to run all the way to school. Why can't DJ or Danny drive her? Or Joey? DJ might need to leave for school, and Danny might need to leave for work, but Joey doesn't do shit except sit around and leech off of his best friend. Dumb!

So Steph is late for homeroom, and gets reprimanded by her teacher. Stupid Michelle. Steph, Allie, and Darcy go to social studies class together, and the teacher has a new girl to introduce to everyone. Her name is Wendy Gorell, and man, is she clueless. She is short and thin, so at least there's that. However, she's wearing a lime green and yellow plaid knee-length skirt, saddle shoes, a hot pink blouse, and pigtails with bright yellow bows in them. Ouch! She also seems to be unaware that she looks like a piece of rainbow shit, because she has a huge stupid grin on her face. The teacher has her sit next to Stephanie, natch. The class is doing a report on popular culture, and Steph, Allie, and Darcy are doing theirs on fashion photography. Hopefully they get to see that hot piece of ass Nigel Barker! Of course, since they have a cool subject and Stephanie really is interested in it, the teacher tells her to work with Wendy instead. Wendy says "golly" a lot and wants to do their report on dolls. Stephanie asks if they can do something a little cooler, but Wendy doesn't get it. She also calls Steph "Stephie." The teacher starts asking the groups to give their topics, and Wendy announces that they're reporting on dolls before Steph can do anything. The other kids make fun of them, and Steph is super embarrassed.

Steph thinks when class ends she can escape Wendy, but Wendy ends up being in every one of her morning classes. She also has a "digital calendar" that Steph thinks is super dorky. Tell that to all the Palm Pilot and Blackberry owners, Stephanie. Wendy's all proud that it has 12K of memory, and I laugh. Oh, 1995. Wendy annoys the shit out of Steph all day, but Steph decides to try to be nice to her because it must be hard to be the new kid. She gives Wendy a tour, and Wendy blathers on and on about her shortwave radio and says golly a lot. Stephanie manages to escape her and runs into the caf for lunch.

...Or so she thought. She gets to the table where she, Allie, and Darcy sit and discovers that Wendy has been following her the whole time. Stephanie hopes her crush Brandon Fallow doesn't notice. Wendy asks the girls if they'd like to come over after school and play electronic jacks. Are you fucking kidding me? How nerdy can they make the girl? Even Mallory's looking cooler than her, and that's saying something. Stephanie declines the offer, saying that her aunt is taking the girls to the mall after school and her car only has room for 3 people. Allie, sitting back down after getting a drink, says she thought Steph's aunt had a station wagon. Stupid Allie. Steph makes an excuse and then tries to make a hasty escape. Yet again, Wendy follows her. As Steph walks past the Flamingoes' table she hears Jenni Morris make fun of Wendy.

(The Flamingoes, in case you've never read FH Stephanie before, are pretty much the same thing as the Unicorns, except dumber and bitchier. Jenni Morris is their leader, and they always wear something pink, have pink matching charm bracelets, and paint their pinky nail pink. Steph tried to join them in the first book, but they ended up trying to trick her into giving them her dad's phone card so one member could call her out-of-state boyfriend. DJ saved her from doing it, of course. Since then they've hated her.)

When Steph and Wendy return to the table Darcy and Allie are talking about the photoshoot they're going on for their social studies project. Stephanie is sad that she's going to miss it. Darcy and Allie tell her to come along anyway, but Stephanie says she promised her dad that she and Michelle would clean their room that day. Fashion shoot > cleaning your room, dumbass. Wendy starts going on and on about their doll project and says Steph can come over to her place to research it and listen to her shortwave radio, and Stephanie says the project will be better if they split it up: she'll do modern dolls and Wendy will do old-fashioned ones. Wendy isn't convinced this is a good idea, but Stephanie ignores her and stares at Brandon Fallow. She says that he's the cutest boy in school. He starts coming towards her table, and Wendy stands up and accidentally spills chocolate milk all over his face. She stands there and laughs and then asks Stephanie if she still thinks he's the cutest boy in school. Ouch!

Stephanie hides in the bathroom with Darcy and Allie, too humiliated to face anyone. D and A try to reassure her that Brandon didn't hear stupid Wendy's tactless comment. Jenni Morris and the Flamingoes walk in, and Jenni calls Wendy a geek and says the geekiness must be contagious so Steph better keep Wendy away from the Flamingoes. Um, okay. Then she tells Steph that she thinks Brandon is cute, too, and just her type, and walks out. Stephanie is horrified, because the Flamingoes all have huge mouths and will tell everyone what Wendy said. They go to their next class, and Wendy is in it. This school must not be too big. Wendy has no idea that she embarrassed Steph, because she's a tactless dumbass. She's also a dumbass because when this teacher has her come up and say something about herself she says that she loves her shortwave radio, dolls, and putting bows in her male poodle's hair, and then grins stupidly. The class starts chanting "Weird Wendy" and Wendy stands there, looking confused. Why doesn't the teacher tell them to shut up? Stephanie feels bad for Wendy.

What the fuck is a shortwave radio?

Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie meet up at the local hangout, Tony's Pizzeria, after school. Steph sees Brandon and tries to hide. Just then, Wendy walks in...with her grandma. Steph can't believe that Wendy would bring her grandma to such a cool place. If she just moved there, how would she know that this was the cool hangout in town? And what's so geeky about bringing her grandma? I bet she'll pay. Jenni Morris tells Wendy that there's a no geeks allowed policy, so she'll have to leave, but her grandma can stay. If only her grandma was TG, she'd whip that bitch into shape! "Making fun of my granddaughter? Arsenic in your pizza!" Oh wait, that's Corinne.

A few days later, Steph, Darcy, and Allie are hanging out in front of school before the bell rings. Steph tells her friends that she's been looking at wallpaper swatches for something bold and bright for her room. Speaking of bold and bright, they see Wendy, who is wearing neon green and bright purple. Subtlety is not Wendy's forte. Jenni Morris stops her and asks if she's going to her party. Wendy asks when it is, and Jenni asks if she got the invitation. Wendy says no, and Jenni says no invitation, no party. Jenni has the lamest bitchy comments and tricks, seriously. I mean, how stupid and immature was that? Jenni's supposed to be 2 years older than them, btw.

Steph, Darcy, and Allie talk some more at lunch about the room redecoration. Stephanie is thinking about some shelves for all of Michelle's shit and Darcy suggests just getting rid of Michelle. Go Darcy! Wendy enters the caf, and continuity isn't a big thing in this book, because now she is wearing a bright purple jumper, neon orange turtleneck, and Power Ranger bows in her pigtails. The original Power Rangers was fucking sweet. I was totally a Kimberly/Tommy 'shipper. I was also in 4th-5th grade, not 7th. Wendy obviously didn't get the memo that Jenni's a dumb bitch, because she asks if she can sit with them. They tell her only Flamingoes can sit there, and Wendy asks what a Flamingo is. Jenni says it's the coolest club in school and that she's the HBIC, and offers a chair for Wendy. As Wendy goes to sit in it, she pulls the chair away and Wendy ends up on the floor. The Flamingoes all laugh, and Wendy runs for the door. Steph takes off after her. Jenni needs to go take some sabotage lessons from Jessica Wakefield, because I'm not impressed.

After school, Stephanie helps Becky unload the groceries and tells her about Wendy and the Flamingoes. Becky gives the worst advice ever, saying that Stephanie's a good person and will know what to do or some crap like that. Thanks for nothing, Becky! Steph heads up to her room to find out her troll of a little sister has lined up all of her 8 million stuffed animals on the floor. She throws them on Michelle's bed and starts to look at a decorating magazine for ideas. She sees a room with futons and bikes and skis hanging from ceiling hooks and loves it. Futons are generally uncomfortable, Steph. She remembers that she's supposed to be working on her doll report, and thinks of Wendy. Suddenly she gets a great idea about what to do for Wendy, makeover!

The next day before school Steph tells Darcy and Allie that they should give Wendy a makeover and be friends with her and then maybe kids won't think she's so weird. Stephanie, you also are not Cher Horowitz. Maybe when you refuse to lay down while held at gunpoint because you'll ruin your Alaia dress we can talk. Darcy and Allie are not cool with this idea, because Wendy sucks as a dresser and as a person. Wendy enters the school, and Jenni shoves her. Her backpack comes open and a bunch of electronic pieces fall out. Jenni kicks them across the hall. I guess she took my advice, damn! A teacher heard the whole thing, and gives Jenni a week of detention. Jenni is hella pissed, and tells Wendy she's dead meat. She goes off to think of more stupid pranks, like telling Wendy her shoes are untied when they're not.

In social studies, Steph smiles at Wendy. Wendy takes this to mean that they're BFF, because she passes Steph a note asking her to get together with her after school so they can work on their report and signs it "Your friend, Wendy Gorell." Stephanie thinks that this is why it's so hard to be around Wendy, because one kind action makes her think they're best friends. At lunch, Steph tells Wendy that she has some things she needs to talk about in private with Darcy and Allie, and asks if Wendy could sit somewhere else. Wendy says okay, and as she passes the Flamingoes, Jenni asks her if Gross and Horrible designed her clothes. The Pink Panther obviously designed Jenni's ensemble, so I don't think she should talk. Wendy sits down at a nearby table, and the Flamingoes start shooting spitballs at her. Gross! Does one almost blind the gym teacher? Snaps to you if you get the reference! Stephanie yanks Wendy out and talks to her. She tells her that as long as she's different, the Flamingoes will pick on her. The Flamingoes are all about conformity, what with their similar outfits and such. Stephanie tells Wendy she'll help her fit in.

Stephanie and Wendy go to the mall after school. Steph tells her they need to change her clothes and hair first. Wendy is surprised, because likes her clothes and thinks they're cute. Stephanie tells her the three phases of the Make Wendy Cool project: 1 - change clothes and hair, 2 - no more golly, 3 - music and movie stars. You forgot personality, Steph. They enter a store, and Wendy spots a lime green and purple jumpsuit with bows on the shoulders and loves it. Stacy and Clinton would pass out from that monstrosity. Stephanie picks out clothes, and Wendy gets faded loose fit jeans with deep pockets; red, black, and white oversized t-shirts; black clogs; black leggings; and a denim miniskirt. They move on to accessories, and Steph hands Wendy some scrunchies and tells her to lose the pigtails and the bows. Haha, scrunchies!

Stephanie and Wendy go to Steph's house after the mall so Steph can teach her some more stuff. Michelle the troll is in their room, being an idiot. She tells Steph she has some ideas for their room. She says she doesn't think that little pieces of wallpaper all over the walls looks good. Stephanie tells her those are just samples taped up to see how they'd look. Michelle says she wants wallpaper like her puppy and kitten posters. Then she says she has an idea for more space, and that is bunk desks. Did their mom smoke crack while she was pregnant with Michelle? Stephanie tells her there's no way they're having puppy and kitten wallpaper, bunk desks don't exist, and GTFO. Michelle says she'll leave if they promise to play with her later. I would've threatened to punch her unless she leaves, but Stephanie just agrees. Michelle leaves, and Steph turns her attention to Wendy. Wendy tries on clothes, and tucks her t-shirt into her leggings. Ugh. Steph corrects her, and gives her a black sweater vest and velvet choker to borrow to wear with the outfit. Sweater vests should be banned. Danny bursts in and tells Steph he has some ideas for the room. He wants pink walls, flowered curtains, and a toy chest. Okay, maybe if it was just Michelle living in the room. Steph tells him she was thinking more about striped wallpaper, futons, and shelves. Joey runs in and asks Danny if he remembers the leak in the bathroom. Danny ignores him and tells Steph that wallpaper is hear to clean and shelves will get dusty. Joey tells Danny he tried to fix the leak. DJ runs in and says that the bathroom is flooded. Joey's not even good for chores, why the hell is he still living there? They all run out, and Wendy says their house has a lot going on. Steph says they can call it a day and tells Wendy to wear one of her new outfits the next day. Wendy asks Steph what she'll be wearing, and she pulls out her denim miniskirt, black clogs, lavender t-shirt, and black and white checked headband. This can't be good.

And it's not good! Wendy shows up at Steph's house the next morning in the exact same outfit. Stephanie hurries up and changes. Good thing she didn't show up to school like that! At the bus stop Darcy and Allie compliment Wendy on her outfit. Wendy tells them Steph picked it out, and they get all snotty. What's up their butts?

That weekend, Stephanie has Wendy over so DJ can help her with her clothes, too. Darcy and Allie are due to come later so they can all go out for pizza. They come, and act all sarcastic and bitchy about Wendy's clothes again. Stephanie ignores them and continues teaching Wendy stuff, like the art of the headband poof. You guys know it, and I'm sure you rocked it, as I did. You put on your headband a little too far back and then push it forward into place, creating a poof of hair in front of the headband. So sexy. Darcy and Allie are still ho-like. Wendy says something stupid about hippity-hop music and golly, and Steph tells her to quit saying golly and that it's hip hop, not hippity hop. Darcy and Allie laugh at her, and then say they have to go. Steph asks what about their pizza plans, and they say that was over an hour ago and now they have to go home. Darcy and Allie are being so lame. Steph's pissed, and walks them to the door. D and A tell her that it sucks that Wendy dresses just like Steph and goes everywhere with her and that the makeover has gone overboard. Steph is hurt, and D and A leave without saying goodbye. Adios, bitches!

Stephanie returns to her room to find Danny in it with a measuring tape. He says he's measuring for bunk beds. Steph tells him that's not what she wants, but Danny doesn't listen. She and Wendy leave for the pizza place. Of course, the Flamingoes are there. Jenni says that Wendy is Steph's little obedient puppy, and Stephanie cracks. She tells Jenni that the Flamingoes are the puppy dogs, since they dress alike, act alike, and even wear the same color. Jenni is shocked, and Steph grabs Wendy and leaves. Watch out, Steph, Jenni might bookdrop you in the halls tomorrow or something equally stupid.

Stephanie is fearful and Wendy is crying as they're walking home. Of course, almost immediately Becky pulls up and offers them a ride. Not only do the adults hover by doorways, but they follow the girls around town in their cars. She gives some more crappy non-advice, and takes the girls to the mall. She and Wendy spend time nerding around the antique dolls at the toy store while Steph impatiently waits. They run into Danny, who is all excited about the pale pink paint he just bought for Stephanie and Troll's room. Steph tells him again that she would like striped wallpaper, but he just tells her to give the pink a chance.

The next afternoon at school, Wendy has big news for Steph. Bobby Zayles, a hot guy that hangs out with Brandon Fallow has left a note in her locker, asking her if she wants to go out for pizza. Wendy is excited, and Stephanie says they'll find out if the not is real after school at football practice, because Bobby's on the team. Who goes to watch junior high football practice? Lame! Before practice begins, Wendy heads on over to Bobby and tells him that she'd love to go out for pizza with him. He tells her he doesn't know what she's talking about, he has a girlfriend, and he doesn't even know who Wendy is. Oh noes!

Of course the Flamingoes set up the practical joke, and it must've taken all of them to think that one up, because they are pretty damn stupid. Who would think they are still cool? They're in ninth grade and they pick on little seventh graders. I'd love to see Jenni the next year at high school, when she's the youngest in the school and not the coolest any more. Of course, she probably doesn't have to worry about that just yet, because she's so dumb she has at least another 3 years of ninth grade ahead of her. Anyway, Wendy is understandably upset, and runs home. Steph comes after her. Wendy's mom answers the door and tells Steph Wendy is downstairs. Steph goes down and comforts her, and they start thinkng of stuff to do to Jenni. Wendy says they can glue the pages of her schoolbooks together, but Steph says Jenni probably doesn't use them anyway, haha. They come with an idea to let the other Flamingoes know that Jenni talks shit about them, using Wendy's AV Club skills and Stephanie's position on the school newspaper.

Stephanie comes home and sees her dad with tons of pink fabric and lace. He tells her he got bedspreads and curtains for the bedroom. Stephanie gets mad and tells him once again that she doesn't want pink. Danny is confused. Stephanie storms off and then Danny joins her, and they call a truce. I don't know what they'll do with the new bedspreads, though.

Wendy and Steph execute their plan, and it goes off perfectly. Stephanie pretends to be interviewing Jenni during lunch for an upcoming issue of the school newspaper. Wendy is in the background, recording the whole interview. Jenni of course starts talking trash about the other Flamingoes and saying that she's the prettiest one and they're all jealous of her and they would be nothing without her. She's so dumb. She leaves, and Wendy tells Steph she has a surprise for her. Turns out that instead of recording the interview, Wendy aired the entire thing live over the loudspeaker so the entire cafeteria could hear it. Go Wendy! This is much better revenge than throwing food on someone. I'm looking at you, BSC.

Wendy and Stephanie go into the caf, and the other Flamingoes are yelling at Jenni. Jenni turns on Steph and Wendy, and Wendy says that they aired the entire interview, but how could they know Jenni would say such nasty things? All the other kids congratulate Wendy, which is puzzling to me. They make fun of her to go along with Jenni, and then befriend her to go against Jenni? What? Darcy and Allie congratulate Wendy, and she says golly. Stephanie asks her what she said about that word, and Wendy yells at Steph, tells her to quit running her life, and leaves. Stephanie is in shock, because she doesn't know how Wendy can be so ungrateful. Darcy and Allie say that maybe Wendy is right, and Stephanie gets pissed and leaves.

Stephanie and Danny have a talk at home after school about how he was trying to run her life and take over the room decorating without giving her any say in it. To be fair, Stephanie wasn't giving Michelle any say in it either, but then again, she suggested bunk desks, so I can't say I blame her there. Danny looks at the picture of the room Stephanie likes, and agrees that it is nice. He tells her that if Troll agrees to it then they can go for it.

Now it's the morning that Stephanie's doll report is due. She brings 3 of Michelle's dolls to school with her in a bag. She had to promise all sorts of shit to get them. I'd just take them, it's not like Michelle would notice if three of her millions of dolls were gone while she was at school for the day. These people let that troll run their lives too much. Stephanie sees Wendy at school and apaologizes to her. Wendy accepts her apology and introduces her to some AV Club members. They not only want Wendy to join, they want to make her president! Steph is happy for Wendy and tells her that she's totally unprepared for their report. Wendy says she has it all under control.

Report time! Stephanie looks like a damn fool with her three shitty dolls and totally wings it, and Wendy brings out some beautiful handmade antique dolls and gives the history on them, and tells that the women in her family have passed down their knowledge on how to make dolls for a long time. She then shows the class some doll clothes she recently designed and made, and they are beautiful. The class is impressed with Wendy's talent. The teacher gives them an A. I think only Wendy should get the A, because Stephanie was clearly unprepared and sucked ass. Plus, don't they need a paper and research to go along with their presentation? This class is way easy.

At lunch Stephanie, Darcy, and Allie talk and Stephanie says that Wendy is actually pretty cool, and Steph apologizes to them. They all make up, and I think Darcy and Allie should be apologizing for being little snots, but they don't.

At home, Danny tells Stephanie that DJ wants the pink paint for her room, and that they can go shopping for the stuff Steph wants for the room. This is the last we ever hear of it, that I know of, and I kind of wish we had seen what the room looked like in the show. Oh well!

Look at the size of that cordless phone! Remember when that shit was high tech? The phone and the scrunchie both seriously date this photo. Speaking of the fashion, I totally had a few different versions of Stephanie's earrings (they're silver stick figures, in case you can't see). Jodie Sweetin has a little hint of a snaggletooth, but I still can't figure out if it's that or something else that makes her smile so weird looking in this picture. How rude!

Speaking of Jodie Sweetin, let's all congratulate her on giving birth to a girl on Saturday! Go Jodie, you're way cooler than the Olsen twins any day!

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Discard shelf FTW!

My dad made me sit down and actually do my taxes today. He says I'm way late, but I say I'm 5 days early. Oh well. Anyway, I had to run to the library because we didn't have an instruction book for my state one. They ended up being out of them, so I hit up the discard shelf on my way out. They had a few SVH books, but they were all the later miniseries ones where you needed all the books or really boring ones that I didn't want. But, I did find about 5 or 6 first edition V.C. Andrews books, including 2 I didn't already have (I'm restraining myself from picking up every first edition book that I see, since I discovered that I have 3 copies of Secrets in the Morning, among others)! Score!

So I went to the library in the town where I went to high school in. It's big and new and beautiful, and I ran up to the juvenile fiction and happily discovered that unlike my crappy local library, they keep all of their old books. This means tons of BSC, Gymnasts, a few Girl Talk, and my favorite FH Stephanie book that I've been looking everywhere for. Sadly, I only saw one California Diaries book and no Friends Forever. The YA section was quite disappointing, but between the two libraries, I should be able to deal. I only hope the big one is in the same system as the crappy one is so that my card will be accepted!

I think the only reason I'm writing this is because I don't want to study for my test tonight. I'm still holding out the hope that there will be a water or gas leak, or that the rain will be so bad that school will be cancelled. Here's hoping!

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Still love it!

Do you guys remember the show Ready Or Not? It was Canadian (Canadians get the best teen dramas ever!), but they used to show edited episodes on the Disney Channel in the U.S. mid 90's or so. My crappy cable company had Disney Channel as a pay channel, but my friend had it, so we watched it all the time together. I loved it so much, and I remember the first episode I saw was when Amanda found out her parents were getting divorced and she ran away to the mall. The mall would totes be the coolest place to live, and I always think of her when I see the beds in department stores.

YouTube has some episodes, so I'll put the awesome eating disorder one up for you. P.S. You can download the entire series in BitTorrent. I love Amanda in the early ones, but she gets too selfish and boy crazy for me in the later ones. Busy is totally Randy, except for some reason I love her. My mind works in mysterious ways!

EDIT: Crap, the user made it so the videos aren't able to be embedded!

Here's Part 1:

Part 2:

Part 3:

This user has uploaded a bunch more episodes, too. Enjoy!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Girl Talk #12 Drummer Girl

This has got to be one of the best Girl Talk books, not because it's actually good, but because it's so easy to make fun of. I laugh so hard every time I read it, seriously. Even the author knows that Randy is really a man, because the insinuations are numerous.

Randy really isn't my favorite character, but I don't hate her as much as Allison. She just has a lot of things about her that I find annoying, and seems too much of a stereotype of a non-conformist badass. Except she's not a badass. I don't know, you'll get it more as the book goes on.

The book opens with Randy's Italian teacher yelling at her for drumming in class. Randy's all pissed about it, but come on. Banging the desk with pencils during class would be annoying as shit. I get it that Randy's a musician and all, but if a member of the band pulled out their trumpet and started randomly blaring it in class it would be super annoying. Funny at times, I'm sure, but still annoying. So Randy - STFU.

Anyway, Randy decided to take Italian class because she used to see Italian films with her video and music director dad and because she likes Italian food. I've seen My Big Fat Greek Wedding a million times and love gyros, but I'm not about to learn Greek. Randy's dumb. The author agrees, because as soon as Randy leaves class she meets up with Sabrina. Yay! I find that I love Sabrina even more in books not about her, because she totally saves the book. Sabrina is all excited about the upcoming Battle of the Bands, which gets Randy thinking about what it would be like. She and Sabrina leave for their separate classes, and Randy spends all of Miss Munson's class daydreaming about the Battle of the Bands, hereby known as BotB. Her old school in New York never had one, so it can't be that cool. Another thing that pisses me off about Randy: she always talks about how New York is so much better than Acorn Falls. Go live with your dad then, ho!

Oh crap. Randy meets Allison in the hallway after class. Katie's there too, and they start talking about the BotB. Katie asks Allison if she's going to go, and Allison says she doesn't know because she may have to be spending that night reliving the time when she read over 100 books during the summer. Okay, she really said she just hadn't thought about it, I lied. I think my dialogue for Allison is better than what she really says, though. Randy tells her she can't sit at home and be lame, so Katie decides that they're all going. Sabrina the Fabulous joins them then and is super happy to find out that they're going. She asks Randy is her friend Spike's band is going to play. Randy doesn't know. Spike was one of the first people that Randy met when she moved to Acorn Falls, and she says his band is surprisingly good. Why surprisingly? Because they're in Acorn Falls, that's why. Good bands can only come from major cities, didn't you know? That's why Violet had to move to New York from New Jersey in Coyote Ugly. She knew that any songs written in New Jersey would not be accepted.

End sarcasm. Randy says there's only one other decent band in Acorn Falls besides Spike's band, and that's a band called Iron Wombat. If you are in a band, please name it that. I'd love you forever. Randy wonders if the BotB will be any good.

Randy is at home after school preparing to leave for the supermarket when her mom, M, calls after her and asks her to get more newspapers. Yes, she calls her mom M and her dad D. I call Randy L for LAME! M is an artist and she's in a papier mache phase right now. Is she building a jaguar? Can Tess help? They live in a converted barn that actually sounds pretty cool. I'd rather live in an old warehouse like my ho Alex Owens and run in place to "Maniac," though.

Randy skateboards to the grocery store, which is just so dumb. Who takes their skateboard there when they're going to be returning with bags of groceries? Stupid Randy. She sees Sabrina and her dad in the produce section. Sabrina is on a new diet, where she only eats kiwis and mangoes for 10 days. Fun? I'd rather have a cheeseburger diet. Sabrina is horrified to hear that Randy has gone grocery shopping while she's hungry, but Randy doesn't see the big deal until she almost buys a frozen pizza. Oh, the horrors! M doesn't like them to eat anything that isn't healthy. Pizza can be healthy! Sabrina's dad meets her at the checkout and asks if she wants a ride home. Randy declines because she wants to skateboard while it's still clear out. Dummy. As they are all exiting the store, Sabrina sees an ad for a guy named Troy Tanner, who is looking for a drummer for his band. Troy is the lead guitarist and singer for Iron Wombat! Sabrina makes Randy take one of the slips with his number on it, even though Randy says she's not into groups and clubs and stuff. Stop being a loner, Randy. She skateboards home and thinks about Iron Wombat. Their music is awesome, but their lyrics are awful. She decides that she would rather play drums by herself.

Randy gets home, and M tells her that her friend from New York, Sheck, called. Randy calls him back and tells him about the BotB and Iron Wombat. He convinces her togive Iron Wombat a chance and at least audition. She relents, and decides to call Troy Tanner after dinner. Sheck totally wants Randy, btw, you can so tell. Anyone who has read all of these books, do they get together later on? If not, then they need to. Well, if Randy was a girl, that is.

M drives Randy after school the next day to Troy Tanner's place for her audition. Troy answers the door, and is shocked to see that Randy is a girl. Well, at least dressed like one. He assumed she was a man because or her name and because she has a really deep voice. I totally choked I was laughing so hard after I read that. Troy doesn't want a girl in his band, but the other members convince him to let Randy at least audition. Don't worry, Troy, Randy's not really a girl. Troy's also 14 and insists on calling Randy "kid" even though she's just 2 years younger. Shut up, Troy. Randy kicks ass on her drums and impresses everyone, and is asked to join the band.

Sabrina has tons of questions next day at lunch about Troy. She thinks he's hot. Randy tells them about what a pain in the ass he is and crushes her dreams. Sabrina then asks what a wombat is, and of course Allison knows because she read over 100 books the past summer. She also knows how to properly eat a mango, which Sabrina did not. In fact, the only thing she doesn't know is how to be interesting.

Band practice. Troy bitches because Randy makes little changes to the drumming parts of their songs as she goes along. The other two members, Alton and Jim, tell him to lay off because she sounds better than their last drummer did. Troy says it's his band. Shut up, Troy. He also likes to flip his hair around a lot. What a girl. Randy gets him off his high horse by telling him that his lyrics suck, and he freaks out. The quiet band member, Jim, speaks up and says he agrees with Randy. Randy took a songwriting class back in New York, so Alton says that Troy can write the music and Randy can write the lyrics for their new song. Troy is pissed, and acts like an asshole for the rest of practice.

Troy calls Randy a week or so later and says he finished the music. He offers to come over to play it for her so she can hear it before she writes the lyrics. She's pissed because he took so long that she'll only have a few days to write the lyrics and then only a week for them to learn it before the BotB. Troy comes over and actually doesn't act like a jerk and he and Randy talk a bit. He brought his guitar over and he plays the song for Randy. She studies him while he's playing, and if she were truly female I'd think she might be getting a crush on him. She tells him the song was awesome, and he says she got him so mad the other day that he wanted to write something that would blow her away. She thinks about this as they join M for a dinner of Chinese food. M thinks pizza is junk food but eats Chinese takeout? I don't think fried wontons are exactly healthy. Delicious, yes, but healthy, not so much.

Randy writes the song and Iron Wombat practices like crazy. She's coming home one day and she runs right into Sheck. Sweet! I like Sheck, even if he has an unfortunate name. He says he couldn't miss her performance at the BotB. Sheck totally wants to get into Randy's pants, but I have a feeling he won't like what's in there. There's a little bit of Randy's thoughts that kind of make it seem like she may want him, too. They go to the video store to get a horror film while M makes them pizza. Yes, that's right, she's making them pizza. I think M may be crazy. Possibly because she gave birth to Randy.

The next morning M starts telling Randy how proud she is of her for writing the song and being creative and shit. Sheck wakes up and asks Randy if anyone is working her sound boards. Randy says no one, and Sheck volunteers to do it. They go off to Troy's for band practice. Alton and Jim are cool with Sheck, but Troy starts acting all possessive and shit. Randy's HIS man, Sheck! He tells Sheck he can't work the board and that they're having a closed practice so he needs to GTFO. Randy gets understandably pissed, tells Troy she quits, and leaves.

Telephone Talk: Randy tells the girls what happened at practice, and both Alton and Jim call her and convince her to come back.

The night of the BotB, Sheck starts cooking Thai food for Randy. Is Thai food good? I've never had it, but I'd like to try it sometime. Randy's all nervous and hyper, so Sheck puts on a tape for her and she drums along with it. The girls come ovr with some surprises for Randy. They made posters that say "Iron Wombat is #1!" and used a silk screening kit to put "Iron Wombat" on the back of jean jackets for Randy and themselves. Sheck tells them the food is done, and Katie is shocked to see that there are chopsticks instead of silverware. Sabrina knows how to use them, though, because she learned after she had heard that famous actresses use them, so she teaches Katie and Allison. They all eat, and it sounds pretty good, but maybe I'm just hungry. M surprises Randy with a chocolate cake for dessert. Chocolate cake is definitely healthy. The thought of it is also making my tummy growl. Randy hurries up and eats, because she has to get ready and leave soon. Sabrina's brother comes and picks up the girls and they leave.

BotB! Randy thinks Sheck is looking mighty fine, but not as sexy as herself. She's wearing a black sleeveless minidress, black and white tie-dyed tights, and black oxford shoes. Not hot. Troy asks to speak to Randy alone backstage, and apologizes to her for being a dick. Then he asks her out. She's shocked, and says she'll think about it. Ouch. Sheck comes over to her afterwards and asks if he asked her out. She says yes, and he gets all sad. She says she doesn't know if she'll go, because dating (guys) is not really for her. Sheck is happy, until Randy says she still might go. Then he's sad again. Poor Sheck. Iron Wombat takes the stage, and kicks ass. Randy is proud, and says it doesn't matter if they win or lose the BotB. I guess it really doesn't, because we never find out if they do or not since the book ends there.

Randy's spiky mullet looks especially bad on this cover, and she also looks especially manly. Katie's face looks kind of weird, Sabrina looks sexy as always, and Allison actually looks kind of hot. I love how Katie's making the jackets, Allison's making the posters, and Sabrina's just sitting there talking on the phone. That's my ho!

If any of you guys have any (non-personal) blogs you'd like me to link on my page, just leave a comment with a link and I'll put it up...IF YOU'RE LUCKY! No, seriously, I'll do it.

Monday, April 7, 2008


This is probably more disgusting than any V.C. Andrews book I have ever read, for reals.

BSC #111 Stacey's Secret Friend

I found this book on the library's discard shelf a few years ago, and after reading it I'm glad I picked it up. It's so awful and bitchy that it is amazing. Also amazing: MTV showing reruns of America's Next Top Model during the morning and afternoon. I've been watching old seasons all last week in between studying and piles of homework. Loves!

Anyway, on to BSC. I missed a lot of the books from #60 up to this point, so it's really shocking going from semi-believability to complete and utter ridiculousness. Stacey's on the pep squad now, and she and another member, Barbara, are working on a life size papier mache jaguar (their mascot), built by who else but Claudia. Claudia is obvs the only artist allowed in SMS. In fact, I'm surprised Stacey and Barbara are even allowed to touch this thing. Anyway, they put the finishing touches on the jaguar when some klutzy girl walks right into it and accidentally puts a hole in it. Stacey and Barbara are totes upset, and so is the girl, who offers to help them fix it. I say, what's the BFD since only the papier mache part was damaged, not the actualy structure that Claudia built for it. Can't it just be patched up really easily? Do I just need to take Papier Mache 101? That must be it.

Anyway, the girl is new at school. Stacey describes her as tall with big bones and broad shoulders. She emphasizes that she is not fat, just has a large frame. There can only be one fat person in Stoneybrook, and his name is Norman Hill. I love that ho, btw. This girl also has short light blonde hair, lightly blue eyes, a slightly upturned nose, and a wide mouth, but wears black emo glasses so she will never be pretty. I take offense to this insinuation because I'm stuck with my own black emo glasses instead of contacts right now because I'm getting eye surgery and I can't wear contacts for at least 3 weeks before the surgery. So suck it, Stacey. Stacey says the girl is wearing a white blouse with a lace-trimmed Peter Pan collar, a short pale pink cardigan, loose fitting brown corduroys, and black boots. Aside from wearing black shoes with brown pants, which is one of my pet peeves, I don't think it's so bad of an ensemble. Stacey, however, thinks that the girl must've been cleaning her emo glasses while she got dressed. Ass. The girl introduces herself as Tess Swinhart, and they make plans for her to help rebuild the jaguar, which I guess lost its head and leg (though they were still intact) along with the hole. Two words: duct tape. As they leave, Tess accidentally bumps into Alan Gray and gets wet papier mache on him. Stacey says that she hopes the accident won't come back to haunt Tess, which of course means that it will.

Chapter 2 is filled with the same useless shit as it always is, except we learn that no one really knows Tess and she talks weird. Oh, and Nicky Pike has been calling Jackie Rodowsky tons and whispering on the phone to him. If that isn't totally gay, I don't know what is. The girls decide to find out what the deal is with Nicky and Jackie, which gives us our boring ass subplot.

Tess says hi to Stacey before school the next day and says she'll see her this afternoon to help rebuild the jaguar. Perfectly nice and sweet. Stacey, however, is too busy hating on Tess's outfit to appreciate the fact that a total stranger who accidentally bumped into a huge fragile jaguar that she herself left out in the middle of the hallway is willing to help her out. Tess is wearing "a hot pink sweat outfit with frilly lace around the collar and sleeves." Okay, maybe I'll let Stacey pass a little judgment on this one, because the hell? Seems very grandma to me. Alan asks Stacey if Tess was going to make it up to him for accidentally getting papier mache on him. Answer: no. He decides to call Tess Swine-heart the Destroyer. Like, haha. Not. Stacey tries not to laugh, but thinks to herself that Tess is a total hog because of her upturned nose, large frame, and pink outfit. Stacey is such a bitch in this book, which is pretty much the reason I chose it.

Alan is popular or something I guess now, because everyone starts calling Tess Swine-heart the Destroyer. Cokie passes Stacey a note in class that has a baby pig drawn on it and says "Swine-heart, The Pigpen years." Stacey writes that it's not funny and passes it back to Cokie, who makes a face at her. Word, Cokie. Stacey can make fun of Tess to herself and tell the BSC members how weird she is, but then look down on other people for doing it? Hypocrite much? The note gets passed all around class even though it's way stupid.

Tess gets transferred to Stacey's English class, because she was accidentally put into remedial English before. Of course their teacher chooses that day to assign a group project, and of course Tess asks Stacey if she wants to be partners. Stacey is all bitchily hesitant about it, but reluctantly agrees. Tess says they can build a castle for their project and smiles, and Stacey notices she has a gap between her two front teeth. Jesus, can anything on this poor girl escape scrutiny? Stacey agrees to do a castle, even though she thinks Tess will just sit on it and ruin it or something, and Tess says is excited, saying that she adores the Middle Ages. Stacey is all weirded out, because adoring the Middle Ages clearly is not normal. Stacey, you love to do math problems, so eat it. Someone oinks at Tess as she walks out of the room. SMS just breeds assholes, I guess.

Stacey sees some guy named Clarence King (who everyone calls King) talking to Tess, and is wary. See, King made fun of Logan for being a BSC member. I totally would, too, so Team King! Stacey gets closer and hears King repeatedly calling Tess Babe. I know we're supposed to pick up on the pig reference, but all I can think of is Laine's 15 year old bf who was also named King and called her Babe. Is this the same guy? Tess tells Stacey that King seemed pretty nice, and Stacey is all Debbie Downer about him. Tess concludes it's because it's not politically correct to call women Babe. Stacey tells her to tell King that, and marvels at the fact that Tess missed the joke, and all of the rest of the school's pig jokes. They go meet Barbara in the caf to work on the jaguar.

Tess brought wire mesh to put over the jaguar's frame to help stabilize the papier mache. Stacey is surprised at the great idea, because even Claudia didn't think of that. Claudia's my ho and all, but she's not exactly known for being smart. Just sayin'. Also, are they taking the whole jaguar apart? It seems like as the book goes on the thing becomes more destroyed. I don't get it. Stacey asks Tess what it was like at her old school, and Tess says that it was great and she and her friends were always doing something wacky and fun. Stacey listens and feels bad for Tess. Then she thinks of a great idea! She can give Tess a few fashion tips! Hear that? That was the sound of my palm smacking my forehead. Stacey, Cher Horowitz you are not. Butt out. Stacey decides to drop some not too subtle hints that Tess is a hot mess. She asks Barbara if she knows her friend Mallory. Barbara replies that Mallory is "that cute sixth-grade girl with the curly hair and glasses." Cute? I guess Barbara doesn't know Mallory after all. Stacey ignores this and says that Mallory wants contacts and wants to know if Barbara knows any places around Stoneybrook to get some. Barbara tells her, and Stacey looks at Tess to see if she is listening. Tess is fixing the jaguar, and doesn't get the hint. I wouldn't either, personally. Oh, and shut up, Stacey.

The next morning Stacey sees "Hi Petunia" written on Tess's locker. Tess doesn't get it, and thinks maybe a note for someone named Petunia was accidentally written there. She is wearing a bright pink, yellow, and red plaid pantsuit, and notices Stacey looking at and tells her it was her mother's and asks if she likes it. Stacey, not wanting to be a hypocrite (the book actually says that), replies that the style is a little hard to get used to. Tess says that's why she likes it so much, and asks Stacey if she would like to come over to her house after school tomorrow to work on their project. Stacey reluctantly agrees, and then has another great idea! She asks Tess if she'd like to come to her house instead so she can secretly give her a makeover. Poor unknowing Tess agrees. I can't believe that Stacey is having such a fit over a plaid pantsuit with half the shit her own BFF Claudia wears. Not to mention herself. I seem to remember lace fingerless gloves and jumpsuits, ho. Just because this time of going through eighth grade is 1997 doesn't mean you can forget the times during the 80's and early 90's.

Claudia babysits the Rodowskys. I count 9 spelling errors in the 5 sentences of her notebook entry, not including the misspelling of the day of the week. Oddly enough, she uses the right form of "to." I don't get it. Mrs. Rodowsky got a cell phone, because the BSC is always hip to the times, and is pissed that it's in Jackie's backpack. He must've had a hurt back from lugging that thing around, remember how huge they were? Far cry from my little pink Razr now. Jackie's acting all dumb and pussy-ish, and Nicky Pike shows up to the door trying to be a badass but really bring a tool and tries to teach Jackie invisibility. Claudia doesn't know what the hell is going on, and I just don't care.

Stacey's house! Basically Tess tries to talk to Stacey about the project and Stacey brushes her off and tries to give subtle hints about her being a hot mess like the stupid contact hint. She finally gets Tess to agree to a makeover, and busies herself putting makeup on her and giving helpful tips about clothing and hair. Tess is not impressed. Stacey is shocked to learn that Tess has contacts but she just doesn't feel like wearing them. Lay off the glasses, Stacey! Stacey also decides that an outside makeover isn't enough, and tells Tess she should join the Pep Squad. Tess isn't too keen on the idea, but Stacey doesn't give up. Stacey, unless you donate your skis and cans of caviar to the Pismo Beach Disaster Relief and sort bongs into kitchenware, you aren't doing a good job at making over the soul (yes, Clueless just happens to be my all time favorite movie).

Stacey is pissed the next day in the caf that Tess isn't wearing any makeup, and is horrified by her outfit of pink overalls, a pink and green flowered long sleeve satin shirt (I totally had one in lavender around the same year) and a small bright pink plastic little kid's barrette in her hair. Honestly, I bet if I looked at my issues of YM or Seventeen from around this year they'd have the same shit in it. Maybe Stacey's the one that dresses unfashionably. Ooh, I went there! Mary Anne says she thought the outfit was kind of cute, but Kristy hurries up and squelches any sign of individuality before she thinks about cutting her hair and buying new clothes again by rolling her eyes and asking if she's being serious. The rest of the girls wonder why Tess doesn't seem to understand all the pig jokes people are making to her face. Would you rather have her know what the insults mean and be hurt by them?

The next day, Stacey sees King talking to Tess again. She confronts Tess about it, and Tess is visibly annoyed. Tess thinks King is a nice guy, and since Stacey refuses to tell her about what other people are saying about her, she doesn't get what's up Stacey's ass. At the Pep Squad meeting, some of the other members decide they want to change the mascot. They can just do that? Don't they need schoolboard approval and stuff? Dumb people suggest dumb things, like aardvarks, and Stacey's all pissed off because they spent all that time making that jaguar. Tess just doesn't care, because Pep Squad is hella dumb. They write their ideas down on slips of paper and Barbara tallies them up to see what they can have the school vote on at the next assembly. A bunch of people write "Tess" or "Swinehart the Destroyer" or "pig," and Stacey wonders who. She thinks it must have been either Cokie and her friends, or some guys who are friends with King. Isn't Pep Squad like cheerleading? What are guys doing there? I bet they know what Nicky and Jackie are up to. Tess is just so over the whole Pep Squad thing, and is mega bored the whole time.

Stacey introduces Tess to Claudia after the meeting and blathers on and on about how Tess should smile more. Tess is all like, "Bitch is crazy." Stacey and Claudia leave and Claudia tells Stacey she went way overboard on the smile thing and asks her why. Stacey says it's because Tess sucks and she's just trying to make her look better so that people will like her. Stacey is so shallow.

Mallory and Jessi babysit the Pikes. Nicky dresses like a member of the cast of the movie Roadhouse, complete with fake muscles and slicked back hair, and I nearly die laughing. He gets a phone call from his lover Jackie and takes off. Vanessa says horrible and unnecessary rhymes. Jessi, Mallory, and the other kids follow Nicky to Stoneybrook Elementary and observe him acting like a member of the Secret Service for Jackie. Surprisingly, Mallory and Jessi still don't know what's going on between them. Isn't it fucking obvious? Jackie was being bullied and Nicky is acting as his bodyguard. Sorry, I spoiled it for you. Did you honestly care, though?

At SMS, Tess is wearing a blue shirt and frosted pink lipstick and Stacey nearly shits herself in delight. Tess tells Stacey someone oinked at her and she thought it might've been because she was wearing pink, so she tried to wear blue. She says that this school is so confusing on what's considered cool or not, and asks Stacey if pink is cool. Stacey says it might not be her best color, and Tess says she loves it anyway and likes the way she looks in it. Stacey goes overboard with the praise and tells Tess how great her eyes look when she wears blue and Tess says it's probably because she has mascara on, which is making her eyes itch and her lashes sticky. King walks by and Stacey notices that Tess looks interested in him. She starts being all dumb about him again and Tess asks her if she likes King and if that's why she's always such a ho about him. Stacey freaks out and says no way. He's probably the only guy in the school she's not interested in.

After school Barbara and Stacey are getting ready to work on the jaguar again. They decide to vote for the new mascot at halftime of the next home game by holding up posters of the choices and having kids write the number of their choice on ballots. Dumb! Also, why are they still working on the jaguar if they're probably not going to have it as a mascot any more? Tess comes in and says that King asked her out on a date. Barbara asks where they are going and she says there's a new restaurant opening in the mall called Hog Heaven. The chapter ends with that supposedly shocking revelation. I'm not impressed.

Football game at another school. Uneventful. Apparently Pep Squad is different from cheerleading because Stacey mentions something about them. She's pissed that Tess is just sitting on the bleachers reading a magazine. Hey Stacey, maybe Tess doesn't like football or Pep Squad or YOU! Lay off, ho. Oh, and apparently the jaguar was finished because a bunch of Pep Squaders held it up at the game. That is so lame words cannot even express it.

At school Stacey asks Tess to come over to her place to work on their project. Tess is all suspicious and Stacey has no idea why. Um, maybe because last time you asked her over to work you ended up painting her face and basically telling her all her clothes and stuff sucked? I wouldn't want to hang out with you, either! Tess finally agrees. Stacey has no idea what to do for the castle, so she asks Claudia. I know, I know. Claudia says maybe she can glue pebbles to the outside walls to make it look like stone. Stacey tries to do that after school, but the glue won't hold the pebbles. Hahahaha! Tess comes over and pulls out styrofoam that she cut and painted to look like stone. Much better! Tess is a way better artist than Claudia. They work on some more walls, and Stacey sucks at doing it. Doing it meaning the walls, haha. She has to go to a BSC meeting, and Tess asks her some questions about the club. Stacey says that the club is great but they're not taking any new members. Tess is insulted and says she wasn't asking to join. Stacey starts rambling on and on about other clubs Tess could join, and Tess is all just like whatevs, ho. They leave.

The next day at school Tess is wearing an outfit that sounds pretty cute to me but is horrifying to Stacey. She has on a pink shirt with puffy sleeves and a short black skirt. I have a thing for puffed sleeves. Tess's outfit totally beats whatever crap Stacey is wearing. You know what else Tess wins at? Producing insulin. Sick burn! Someone passes Stacey a comic book that the students have been compiling about Tess, and she throws it out. What a self-righteous hypocritical bitch. Stacey's like Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield all rolled up into one in this book, and it's not good. She looks at the Pep Squad posters for the mascot contest, and Barbara tells her all the really good sketches were done by Tess. Uh oh, they didn't ask Claudia? It's the end of the world!

At the football game, it's time to vote for the mascot. Barbara yells out the choices and Stacey hold up the poster for them. When she gets to pig she's horrified to discover that someone replaced the drawing of a pig with a big picture of Tess. The kids all starts screaming "Swine-heart the Destroyer" and throwing hot dogs at Tess. They better watch out at their prom is all I'm saying. Tess stands up on the bleachers to avoid the hot dogs and falls backwards. The ambulance has to come because it's pretty certain that she has broken her ankle and her wrist. Yikes. Stacey tries to get in the ambulance and says she's her friend. Tess tells her to GTFO and that she's not her friend, and the ambulance leaves. Go Tess!

Turns out Tess's ankle is broken and her wrist is just sprained. Still awful, though. Cokie feels no remorse and Stacey yells at her. Stacey basically acts like a guilty bitch all day and doesn't know why she feels so guilty. Tess doesn't show up at school for the rest of the week. Stacey thinks about calling her to see if she's okay, but doesn't because Tess said she's not her friend. Stacey sucks. When Tess finally comes back to school she's mean and sarcastic to Stacey and reiterates that she wants her to leave her alone. She's talking to Barbara, though, and Stacey is pissed. She obviously doesn't know what "leave me alone" means, because she goes over to Tess's house after school.

Tess's mom is a MILF and her bedroom is kickass, all decorated with posters and mobiles of French art from a French museum that Tess says her art class visited. Stacey puts two and two together and asks if Tess is from France. Tess says yes, she moved from Paris because her mom is a diplomat there or something. Stacey is impressed because Paris is EVEN MORE sophisticated than New York City! She thinks and realizes that Tess didn't get all the Petunia and Babe jokes because she didn't grow up in the U.S. She also picks up a photo album and sees that it's filled with girls dressed just like Tess in outfits that she considered to be awful. Since Paris is pretty much known for fashion, I'd say their opinion wins over Stacey's. Stacey realizes the same thing. Tess asks why she's there and Stacey tries to explain how she feels bad and how she was trying to protect Tess from all the teasing. Tess says she hasn't even bothered to get to know her, seeing as she just now discovered she's from Paris, and tells her to GTFO because she doesn't need her pity. Go Tess again!

Abby babysits the Rodowskys and finds out exactly what I told you before: Jackie was being bullied, so he hired Nicky Pike as his bodyguard. He took his mother's cell phone with him so he could call Nicky for help at any time. Oh, and the bullies were going to beat up Jackie because he had a jacket like someone else and they thought he stole it, but they laid off when Jackie described the stadium of the basketball game he got the jacket at. So lame.

Is this book over yet? I'm sick of it, guys.

Tess still won't talk to Stacey, and can you blame her? Stacey still has to butt in everything, so she and the BSC hatch a plan for Tess's date that weekend at Hog Heaven, since Stacey is still convinced that it's a joke. She lets Tess in on it, and she says she suspected the same since King didn't call after she got hurt. Their plan is dumb, by the way. King and Tess get to the restaurant, and Claudia dumps ketchup on him, Stacey wipes it off of him with a paint soaked rag, and Tess sprays him with whipped cream. Abby takes a picture and Kristy tells him that unless he leaves Tess and the BSC alone the picture will be in the next issue of the school paper. Claudia says she writes for the paper, and I laugh my head off. When did this happen, because I don't believe it. King agrees, and the girls all go off and have ice cream, except for Stacey, who is diabetic. I know, I totally forgot! I went back and read Chapter 2 and found out that Jessi was black, too! Learn something new every day, I guess. Tess goes off afterwards to hang out with Barbara, who she's really becoming close to, and Stacey and Claudia share a meaningful look that is totally gay. Abby and Kristy get turned on from it.

I took the cover from the BSC Cover Art Gallery linked on the right because I'm too lazy to scan my own copy. Tess doesn't look so bad, just her glasses are a little dorky. Stacey needs to quit worrying about Tess's outfits and figure out who stole her neck and made her head so huge.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

I didn't abandon you, I swear!

I know, I know. I've been a lazy ass ho. Spring Break came and provided me with much needed sleep, and my teachers are all cruel so they made the week after Spring Break the time for all the tests, papers, quizzes, and big homework assignments. Blame them for no posts, not me! Plus two of my cousins are getting married soon (not to each other, my last name isn't Dollanganger. Or Foxworth. Or Cutler. Or Tatterton. Or Tate. Or...well, you get the picture.) so I've had wedding showers and crap to go to, and I really need/want a new pair of shoes to go with my dress, and oh yeah, I'm going to be an aunt! I'll have a little nephew in August to read SVH and BSC to at bedtime. Best aunt ever!

Since I feel obligated to do something, I'll make a new poll! Cathy took 42% of your votes in March's biggest ho contest, with Jessica Wakefield in second at 32%, Mrs. Pike in third with 13%, and Stacey McGill bringing up the rear (hee!) with 11%. Go Cathy, and watch out for the herp!

So, after much pondering (or not), our question for April is actually not sarcastic or mean spirited. Well, maybe it is a little. I usually call people I love my hoes, so I want to know, who is your main (fictional) ho?

Sabrina Wells - Anyone who wears baggy gym shorts with neon tights deserves to win. Plus she must be super nice, because she continues to hang out with boring ass Allison. Ugh, just typing that name is putting me to sleep. Think happy Sabrina thoughts! I totally want to lay around Sabrina's sweet attic room and read back issues of CosmoGirl with her. I'd probably hit on Sam, too, but that's another story.

Lila Fowler - Damn I love Lila. She's beautiful, rich, perfect, and knows it. She also manages to be popular even though she's a lowly brunette. She has a kickass mansion that's so big you could probably hide out in one of the guest rooms for a few months without anyone noticing, too. Ooh, and if you want a new expensive blue scarf, she'll totally shoplift one for you. She also almost got Mr. Collins fired by accusing him of molesting her. *EDIT: I screwed up! She didn't accuse Mr. Collins, she accused her therapist. She's still awesome, though. Thanks to Morgan for pointing this out!* Is there anything actually bad about this girl?

Claudia Kishi - It's my personal opinion that Claudia is a way cooler dresser than Stacey, because she just doesn't give a shit. Matching is a concept that Claudia has never heard of (neither is Phonics), and I kind of like to picture her getting up every morning, putting on a blindfold, and grabbing random articles of clothing and accessories and putting them on and working it. Stacey could never pull off dressing like a watermelon or a Ms. Frizzle. NEVER!

Olivia Winfield Foxworth a.k.a. TG - TG's the coolest granny around! She could've turned her negligee-loving daughter and 4 kids out on the streets, but instead let them stay in her awesome mansion. And come on, she was as disgusted by the prospect of incest as we were, and tried to beat it out of Chris and Cathy. Too bad it didn't work. She also had a sweet dollhouse as a little girl, and you know if she let Corinne and all her brats play with it we totally could, too. She'd even get up early every day and prepare a whole day's worth of food for you, and warn you against eating Corinne's special doughnuts. TG rocks!

Voting ends May 1!