Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Girl Talk #10 Falling In Like

I chose this book because of the cover. It always makes me laugh!

Allison has signed up to be a peer tutor at school. Her favorite teacher, Ms. Staats, thought it would be a good thing for her to do. Ms. Staats is also my favorite Bradley Junior High teacher, because her name is a palindrome. At lunch, Allison tells Katie, Randy, and Sabrina that she has received the name of who she will be tutoring. Sabrina almost wets her pants in anticipation, and asks who she is. Allison tells her that the she is a he, and Sabrina nearly faints in a puddle of her own urine. She says his name is Billy Dixon, and he is behind in almost every subject. She doesn't know who he is, but Randy does and says he's cool...for Acorn Falls. You see, if you didn't live in New York at one time and wear a black leather jacket and have a mullet, you are not universally cool. Sabrina says Billy's hot, but Allison doesn't want to hear a description of his looks. Where are the hormones, Allison? Sabrina starts telling Billy's dead mom sob story, but is interrupted by a crash in the caf. Some short boy had the nerve to be standing where a badass guy needed to walk, thus causing the badass to bump into him and drop his tray full of food. The short kid's reward was to be lifted up and shaken. That'll teach him to stand! Sabrina tells Allison that the badass was Billy Dixon, and Allison is now scared to meet him after school. I would be too, if his grades didn't improve after five minutes I'd be shaken!

After school, Allison approaches the classroom she's supposed to meet Billy in. He's already there listening to his Walkman (haha!) and doesn't hear her, so she has the opportunity to check him out. She says he reminds her of Randy, because they both dress in black, listen to Walkmans, have attitudes, and are men. Okay, maybe not the last one. He finally notices her, and says that he's waiting for his tutor so unless she's there to be tutored also she needs to GTFO. Allison says that she is his tutor, and Billy thinks she's lying because she's not a teacher. Allison - first thing you need to teach Billy is the definition of the word peer. Oh, wait, I didn't read far enough. She tells him that it's a peer tutoring program and that all the tutors are in the same class as their tutees. Allison starts to get down to business, and begins with math. Our favorite palindrome teacher gave her a list of all the shit she should help Billy with, so she starts with multiplying fractions. She does a problem, saying the steps out loud, and Billy ignores her. She gives the answer and Billy tells her she's wrong. Hahahaha! She double checks her work and is amazed that Billy was able to multiply fractions in his head, because she's an A student and can't do it. So? I got all A's in math and I can barely add in my head. Doesn't mean shit, Allison. Billy calls her dumb, which makes her cry, and he leaves. Allison resolves to be the best tutor ever and get Billy to care about his work. Right.

Allison goes to Fitzie's with the girls and tells them about her awful tutoring experience. She decides that Billy needs a more comfortable place to study in, since he obviously hates school. Like your bed? Sam comes into Fitzie's and blabs on about a bowling alley re-opening, and he and his friends challenge the girls to a game. Allison says she's never bowled before. Wasn't Bowling For Dummies one of the 100 books you read over the summer?

Allison tells her parents about tutoring Billy at dinner, and her mom thinks Billy needs a friend more than a teacher. Allison didn't sign up for the peer friendship program, dumbass. No word on if they were eating homemade cornbread. The next day at school, Palindrome tells her the classroom they were using is being occupied, so she has already told Billy to meet Allison in the library. She tells Allison Billy may be difficult, but she chose her as his tutor for a reason. A sexy reason!

After school, Billy meets Allison in the back of the library (hot!), and she says they should start with social studies because they have a test soon. Billy surprises her by knowing the answer to every question she's asked. However, he doesn't know anything about Squanto because their teacher didn't cover that in class. Allison says it was in the reading, and Billy says he hates reading. Allison reminds us yet again that she over 100 books last summer, and I'm still not impressed. They move on to math, and yet again Billy does the work really fast in his head. Allison asks him why he doesn't hand homework in if he knows how to do it, and he says it takes too long to write down the shit. Allison says he needs to hand something in, and he says that he tried handing in just the answers and the evil Miss Munson accused him of cheating and gave him a zero. Bitch! Allison says he needs to work on his study habits and needs to be in a place more comfortable, and tells him to meet her at her house the next day. Two tutoring sessions and she's already inviting him back to her place? She must've read An Introduction to Skank-tastic-ness last summer. Oh yeah, and Allison says that Billy gives her butterflies in her tummy...and moistness in her panties.

Allison comes home after school the next day to her mom taking fresh cookies out of the oven. I'm coming over! She sets up a study area in her dining room, and Billy arrives. He asks if this is where she studies, and she says she usually does on her window seat in her room. He says he's always wondered if window seats were comfortable. Dirty! Allison doesn't pick up on the come on, and says it's important to study where it's quiet and comfortable. Billy's boner disappears, and Allison says they'll start with math. She says she wants Billy to talk out solving the problem in his head, and she'll write it down for him so that his work is shown. They do some useless word problems, and then Allison says they should move on to English. Billy says hell to the naw, and Allison's mom interrupts to tell them she baked even more cookies and to come get some. I'm already there, Mrs. Cloud. Allison's little brother Charlie comes in his a book and asks Billy for help on some of the words. Billy makes up words, and Allison corrects him, so he gets mad and leaves. Allison's mom wonders if Billy's ever been tested for a reading disorder. Probably not, since he can't read a first grade book. Allison says she'll talk to Ms. Staats about it. I know this isn't unusual, but I'm amazed that kids can go from grade to grade and not know how to read. How is that not noticed by teachers?

Ms. Staats is at a teaching convention the next day, so Allison tries to look up reading disorders in the library. She doesn't find much. That evening it's time for the bowling match, and Allison is the scared. Allison sucks ass in her warm up game, and then Billy comes up and offers to help her. He just wants to touch her. He corrects her hand position, and she knocks down 6 pins. He stays and helps her the whole time, and I call shenanigans because that's totes cheating. One of Sam's friends agrees with me, and wants Billy to leave. They have an almost fight, and Allison turns around to bowl and gets her very first strike. When she turns around for a congratulatory makeout with Billy, he's gone.

At school, Allison finally gets to talk to Ms. Staats and she makes an appointment for Billy to see a reading specialist after school. Allison says it's really important for her to tell Billy about it, and Ms. Staats lets her. What is she going to say that Ms. Staats can't? Plus, I'm predicting now that Billy gets pissed off and doesn't show up for the appointment. Who wants to place a bet?

Allison decides to tell Billy at lunch. She spots him in the caf, and he is wearing a very non-badass outfit: tan pants, a white mock turtleneck, work boots, and a brown leather jacket.

She tells him about the appointment, and guess what? He's pissed and says he's not going! Duh!

Allison goes to Billy's house after school to try to make him listen to her. Billy's house needs a new paint job, porch, and screen door. Clearly, people who live in nice houses aren't dyslexic badasses. Billy's brother lets her in, and the house has threadbare carpet, garbage everywhere, and is just gross. Allison wants to pick up a spange and start cleaning, but then remembers she's there to see Billy. She finds him in the basement with his posse, listeing to heavy metal music. Allison's all uncomfortable around all the other guys, and says she feels like a bird in a poem she once wrote. The bird was in a glass cube, and wanted to go outside but just kept on flying into the walls of the cube. The fuck? The guys ask her what grade she's in, and one of them asks if that hag Munson is still teaching. Allison says yes, even though she doesn't think Miss Munson's a hag. What a kiss ass, Miss Munson's a total hag!

The guys continue to talk to her while Billy ignores her and plays pool, and then they all ask her to an upcoming dance. Gang bang! She says she has to leave to go help her mom with dinner (cornbread's not making itself!) and runs upstairs. As she's about to leave, an arm reaches out in front of her and slams the door shut. Billy creepily asks her why she's in such a hurry, and if this were a Lifetime movie she'd be dragged back downstairs by her hair and all the guys would have a turn. She'd go home and not tell anyone until it came out in a few weeks and there'd be a trial. The guys would call her a whore and say she wanted it, and if she won the case it would make her immediately healed, but if she lost the guys would come after her again and try to do her again, only this time someone would walk in and stop them and it would end with a black screen saying that Allison eventually healed and founded a rape center and the boys were all doing 10-20. I should totally start writing a Lifetime movie.

But this is Girl Talk, not Lifetime, so they stand there and look at each for a bit, with Allison near tears. Billy touches her face and leans in to kiss her, and Allison tells him to leave her alone and runs out.

Telephone Talk: Billy calls Allison and asks her out, Allison calls Randy and tells her, Randy calls Sabrina, and Sabrina calls Katie.

I guess the next day, Allison tells the girls that Billy tested as dyslexic and is going to be seeing a specialist one period a schoolday. Sabrina says then that they need to plan out stuff for Allison's date. Allison is scared, and they decide to do a run through with Katie as Billy. I guess using Randy would've been too obvious. Needless to say, the mock date doesn't help Allison's nervousness at all.

Date time! Allison's mom bought her a new sweater, which Allison wears tucked into her skirt. The book version of Mia Thermopolis screams in anguish. Billy dresses up for the date by wearing a collared shirt, jeans with no holes, and dress shoes. They go to Fitzie's, and there are no open tables so they sit with Billy's posse. Is Fitzie's the only restaurant in Acorn Falls? Billy holds Allison's hand as a way of symbolizing that the gang bang has been called off. He also totally pulls the whole sneakily putting his arms around her shoulders move. Smooth. They go to their movie, and hold hands throughout. Afterwards he takes her home and kisses her. On the cheek. Wuss.

Billy is totally Joe Isuzu wearing a Canadian tuxedo. I love how the background is lighter around their faces, like the drawings of them were thrown in as an afterthought. Also, doesn't it look like Allison's the bored one who hates school and Billy's the one trying to get her to study?

Heart Allison's outfit!


Andrew said...

Grooveshark followed Girl Talk on his Florida tour starting first in Gainesville, then to Orlando, then Tampa, and finally ending in Miami. Grooveshark even saved the Miami show from being cancelled.

We recently had a chance to sit down with Greg and discuss the tour, getting laid in the bathroom, and his views on piracy:

Girl Talk Grooveshark February 2008 Interview

PhoenixTears207 said...

I remember that one!! I liked it almost as much as the one with Katie and Scott Silver and the boys hockey team. For some reason, the Katie books were my favorite Girl Talks- she seemed like the most normal. Although I remember loving the description of Alison's room.

Loved the Mia Thermopolis reference, I lol'd

Jenny said...

Nice. ^_^ You should totally write Lifetime movies.
And I love the outfit composites. They really paint a picture of the lameness. ^_^

Robyn said...

Is there a Girl Talk book about one of the girls getting a makeover and then getting a chance to model in some ad campaign? If that's a Girl Talk book, then you must snark it. If not, can someone tell me what the hell that book that I'm describing is? It's driving me crazy!

blue828 said...

Robyn- It is indeed a Girl Talk Book, #3, called The New You. Allison wins a makeover and gets an opportunity to model for a "Beauty Search"... which I guess means some catalouge is looking for models all over, and needs to hire models for their advertisement that lets people know they are looking for models...whatever, it was pretty contrived.

And yes, that book is just begging to be snarked.

snappleaddict said...

Don't worry, guys - I have that one. Oh, and I have the one where Katie joins the hockey team, too. Since I need to get my ass in gear on Petals on the Wind and I also want to do Here's to You, Rachel Robinson, The New You will probably come after those.

Did anyone read #12 Drummer Girl? I re-read it last night, and holy crap that needs to be snarked like yesterday.

maebetonight said...

I really wish Acorn Falls was near Stoneybrook. Randy Zak + Stacey McGill = true love. They're both NYC sophisticates and Randy is definitely man enough for Stace - she likes bad boys, and I'm sure Randy would hit that.

and Jessi could talk about there not being any black people in Acorn Falls either.

snappleaddict said...

Sabrina and Claudia could go shopping together, and Mary Anne and Allison could hold each other and cry! Man, I wish there was a book where they all met. It would be even better than the time the Jetsons met the Flintstones.

blue828 said...

I dunno...there's already a blond "sophisticated" boy crazy Stacy in Acorn Falls and Randy's not hitting it...I always thought Randy was hot for Sabrina, really (you know, in the subtext).

What's really funny about Claudia and Sabrina shopping together is that they would probably both be like, WTF? whenever they saw whatever crazy outfit the other was wearing.

Allison and Dawn could go off and save the Trees together though...if I recall, they both narrated books where they got really passionate about the environment and everyone else found them super annoying.

I would pay good money to see a Kristy-Randy smackdown though.

snappleaddict said...

Stacy could face off with Cokie! It'd be like a nuclear bitch bomb hit Acorn Falls and Stoneybrook.

I'd pay good money to see Claudia and Sabrina try to out-crazy-dress each other.

You're right, Allison did become a nature nut. I don't recall reading that one, but an excerpt of it was in one I read yesterday or the day before.

I think Randy could take on Kristy because she can poke her with her spiky mullet. That shit is lethal.

UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

The outfit Allison is wearing is like this book's version of the BSC books never failing to mention that Jessi is black. After all, you can't be Native American if you don't wear moccasins and beaded ponchos.

maebetonight said...

ooh and Randy could beat the shit out of Alan Gray!

Amber T. said...

These covers make me die a little inside. And yet I can't look away...damn.

Juanita said...

Great recap. I never read this one, but now I desperately need to.

Regarding your comment about how the BSC and GT girls meeting would be better than the Flintstones and the Jetsons meeting - my sister and I used to constantly watching that movie! We always rewound the part where Judy goes to the concert with that cute boy, and he sings to her.

I think Allison and Jessi could have fun discussing being minorities and trying to one up each other on who was hated most.

TessieBambos said...

Kristy and Randy could totally be friends, seeing as they are both men. Allison can talk to Mal about her 100 books! its hard to come to the fact the 2 books never actually met....