Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Girl Talk #13 The Winning Team

My eBay package finally came! All the books look like they've never even been read, so I guess the seller really missed out. I'm going to start off with my favorite book, The Winning Team.

I guess I should start out with describing the 4 main characters. They're all seventh grade girls from Acorn Falls, Minnesota. I totally named my custom neighborhood in the Sims 2 Acorn Falls a few months ago. Anyway, we have Sabrina Wells, a short redhead with tons of energy; Randy Zak, a native New Yorker drummer with a spiky mullet; Katie Campbell, an interesting combination of a super preppy Type A and female hockey player; and Allison Cloud, a quiet Native American poet. That's pretty much the book's description of the girls, but mine's a little different:

Sabrina: Awesome all around, and has better clothes than Claudia. Yes, it's possible!

Randy: Totes tucks one back and irritates the shit out of me because she tries too hard to be weird.

Katie: Seems like she'd be annoying, but is actually pretty cool and relaxed.

Allison: Zzzzzzzz...oh, sorry. Allison is a non-emo poet, which really isn't all that funny and is quite boring. If you've read The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants she's totally Lena, but without the love affair. They make a big ass deal about her reading 100 books the previous summer, but I was never impressed because I did that shit all the time.

Okay! We open with Sabrina daydreaming in her math class, taught by the evil Miss Munson. You guys remember when Disney's One Saturday Morning (five hours of summer once a weeeeeeeek!) first started and they had Mrs. Munger's Class, which was an old time class photo that they made talk? I picture Miss Munson as a thinner, angry version of Mrs. Munger (you can watch eps on YouTube). Either that, or she's the teacher from Jimmy Neutron, except mean. Fun fact: Stacey from the BSC show (Jessica Prunell) was one of the very first hosts of One Saturday Morning!

Getting back on track, Sabrina is daydreaming about the school elections, and Miss Munson catches her and rips her a new one. Miss Munson needs to get laid. Class ends, and Sabrina goes to the locker she shares with Katie, and we get our first outfit description. Sabrina reads in her favorite magazine that jean shorts over bright tights was now in, but she didn't have any jean shorts so she stole her older brother's baggy blue gym shorts and wore them over bright yellow tights. To make the outfit even sexier, she also wore a green shirt, red flats, and a purple cardigan. Sabrina is so hot.

I took way too much time to make that. No one else appreciates Sabrina's fashion sense, except Randy, who likes it but thinks it's a little bright. Randy is wearing a silver-green tunic with buttons up the front over black leggings and granny boots, and is carrying her signature black leather jacket. I'm not going to make a picture of it in Paint because it's just not as cool. Her hair is totally business in the front, party in the back, and spikes on top, though. I have to give her credit for purposely having a worse mullet than Karen Brewer's haircut from hell. Randy has balls...literally.

The girls head to lunch, and Sabrina has a cranberry-orange seltzer. She says she only drinks seltzer, and likes to rotate the flavors every day. What exactly is seltzer? Is it like Clearly Canadian? I love that shit. Randy eats radishes because she's weird, and Allison's grandma, who lives with her, has made her homemade cornbread and other "incredible" things. Yum. The most popular girl in their class and the principal's daughter, Stacy Hansen, is already starting to campaign for class president. Stacy's entourage consists of B.Z. Latimer (WTF could B.Z. stand for? Let me know what you think in the comments.), Laurel Spencer, and Eva Malone. Anyone running against Stacy doesn't stand a chance, because she always wins. Stacy reminds the girls of that fact, and Sabrina gets pissed. She stands on her chair and announces to the whole cafeteria that she's running for class president. Sweet!

The girls meet after school at Fitzie's, Acorn Falls's answer to the Dairi Burger. Stacy walks in and tries to psyche Sabrina out, but they just blow her off. They start planning things out for Sabrina's campaign. Katie will be her campaign secretary, Allison will be the presidential adviser (though they don't know what that means), and Randy will be her public relations manager, because she knows the most people at their junior high. They try and think of a good vice-president to run with her. Allison suggests a boy because it would be different, and Randy says Winslow Barton, who is a huge ass computer nerd (like my boyfriend!) that has a mega crush on Sabrina. They decide against him, and Sabrina's twin brother Sam walks in and starts teasing her. They do a Three Stooges act for awhile, and the other girls agree that Sam would be the perfect running mate. Sabrina's against it, but then finally reluctantly agrees. She starts shaking everyone's hands and telling them to vote for Sam and her, but then hears Stacy announce that she's buying everyone free ice cream cones, and to remember to vote Stacy Hansen for president. Buying your votes is cool!

Sabrina goes home and motivates herself by listening to the theme song from Rocky. She runs in place and gives the victory sign, and decides to use the song as her secret campaign weapon: her motivational theme song. She goes down to dinner and tries to act dignified, but Sam ends up accidentally spraying her with a mouthful of spaghetti and meatballs. She runs up to her room, and he comes up and apologizes to her and tells her he'll try to take things more seriously.

The next morning, Sabrina decides to dress more presidential. She goes for a red, white, and blue theme at first, but then changes her mind and tries to find clothes in her school colors, black and orange. She puts her hair in a low ponytail that she thinks makes her look like Paul Revere, and then puts on a black skirt. She doesn't own any solid orange tops, so she puts on a cotton blouse that has vegetables printed all over it. The tomatoes are kind of orange, and the eggplants are kind of black, so she goes with it. She then adds a too small pair of bright orange tights, and tries to decide on a pair of shoes. All of her black shoes are summery, and she can't wear her brown school shoes with her outfit, so she puts on a pair of black snow boots. Can you handle the hotness? Also, doesn't she have a school spirit shirt she could wear instead of the vegetable one? I'm sure her brothers would have at least one t-shirt or jersey or something.

She arrives at school, and none of her friends are digging her outfit. Stacy, by the way, is wearing a blue double breasted blazer with gold stripes on the sleeves and lapels, and a matching skirt. I'll bet anything she has shoulder pads on, too. Sam surprises Sabrina by wearing blue and white striped pants, a red t-shirt, and a homemade top hat with Uncle Sam on it that says "Uncle Sam Wants You To Vote Wells." Hot! Stacy shows her a ball point pen and says that by next week's pep rally the pen will say "Stacy For President" and every kid will have one. I don't think a pen will make people vote for you, Stacy. She asks what Sabrina is giving out, and Sabrina says it's a secret. It's a secret even to her!

After school they have a campaign meeting at Allison's. They decide that their platform should be that Sabrina and Sam are serious about Bradley Junior High and Stacy isn't. They make suggestions of all the shit they want to change, like better school trips, new gym equipment, and more interesting books for the library. Where are you going to get the money to do that, dummies? They decide to have a poster making meeting the weekend after the rally.

Rally time! Sabrina and Sam both go for a red, white, and blue theme, and Stacy and her posse are all wearing orange t-shirts with huge pics of her on the front and a tiny pic of her running mate, Eva, on the back with black leggings and orange and black striped leg warmers. So sexy. She's giving out her pens and basically being a huge two-faced bitch. Winslow Barton is nerding it up by going around and taking an opinion poll. One kid says he hopes Stacy gives out CDs next week because there's a new one he's been meaning to buy. Sabrina is sad until she remembers her secret weapon. She has Winslow tape her headphones over the microphone for the loudspeaker with gauze from the first aid kit (maybe they should add buying tape to their list of changes they want to make) so the theme from Rocky can be played throughout the whole school. Stacy's speech consists of a rap song that goes a little something like this:

If you want a good school president

And you want it one, two, three

Then you better vote for Hansen

Stacy, Stacy, Stacy!

That's it! No speech! Sabrina and Sam play her tape and rock out their speeches. They are super excited and feel they have a good chance of winning.

Now it's time for the poster making meeting at Sabrina's. She realizes that there is no food in the fridge, and creates lettuce, mustard, and ketchup sandwiches. Oh, Sabrina. Everyone comes over and makes fun of her shitty sandwiches. Allison should have brought over a tray of homemade cornbread. Bitch. They come up with some awesome slogans for the posters, like "All's Well That Ends Wells" and "Sabrina and Sam: Because Two Heads Are Better Than One" and the mega lame "Wells! Wells! Wells! For Head Of The Class." Sabrina does the best one after everyone leaves, a hot pink poster with "Sabrina Sparkles" in silver glitter. She accidentally glues her pants to her dad's new car, but pulls herself off with no damage. However, Sam comes in with the leaf blower, trips, and sends glue, glitter, and paint all over. Their dog, Cinnamon, runs in and gets the mess all over herself. Needless to say, they spend the rest of the weekend cleaning the garage and washing the car. They never quite get all the glitter out of their dog's fur, and now she leaves piles of glitter wherever she's been sitting.

At school Stacy is now giving out pins and has professionally made posters all over the school. Do junior high school principals make a lot? I can't understand where she's getting the money for all this crap. Stacy tells Sabrina that the race is all over because everyone is wearing her pins. Yeah, because that means anything. Sabrina and Sam don't know what to give out, since their dad owns a hardware store. Winslow suggests to use stuff from there, and they proclaim him a genius.

The next day, Allison hands out rolls of masking tape (the school did need some) and tells kids to stick with Sabrina and Sam. Katie has bracelets made out of plumbing washers and says "Don't be a drip! Vote for Sabrina and Sam!" They also have mini flashlights ("Don't Be Left In The Dark - Vote Wells"), tape measures ("Sabs and Sam Really Measure Up"), mini hand brooms ("Sabs and Sam Whisk Away The Competition"), wooden spoons ("Sabs and Sam Will Keep Bradley Cookin'"), and necklaces made out of steel nuts ("You're nuts if you don't vote for Sabrina and Sam!"). Sabrina says the kids all loved getting things they could really use. I don't think I'd be impressed by a mini hand broom or a wooden spoon in seventh grade. Now no one is wearing Stacy pins. These kids are so easily bribed. The girls think there's no way they'll lose now, and congratulate themselves at lunch by toasting each other with their food. Pizza toast?

At this point in the book we go to the Telephone Talk, which I always hated. It's basically the girls' phone conversations written in dialogue form. The whole chapter consists of them calling each other and talking about whether or not they'll win the election. It's hella boring.

Sabrina doesn't sleep very well the night before the election, and finally gives up and gets up early to get ready. She wears the outfit pictured on the cover, which is pretty hot, and her mom gives her the Bradley Junior High pin Sabrina's dad gave her when he asked her to go steady (Well, I heard they got pinned! I was hoping they would! Now they're living at last! Going steady for good!). Does that mean her parents have been together since junior high, or was her dad just lame enough to give his ninth grade+ girlfriend his junior high pin?

At school, it's time for their debates. Sabrina and Sam both rock it, and Stacy is out for blood afterwards. Eva says Sabrina and Sam are creeps and don't play fair. I guess Sabrina and Sam were supposed to act like they had the IQ and maturity level of a 3 year old in order for things to be fair. At lunch, the election results are announced over the loudspeaker, and of course Sabrina and Sam win. Did you honestly think they wouldn't? Kids love hardware jewelry!

I like when books have cover images of events that really happened, and Sabrina and Stacy's outfits are exactly as described. Oh, and Stacy must be pretty stupid, because I've never seen a 25 year old junior high student.


maebetonight said...

omg hooray!

actually when I first saw the title of this post, I was disappointed because I didn't remember ever having read any Girl Talk books.... but then you listed the characters and it all came rushing back. BZ in particular stood out - I used to make up new names for her all the time. Bellatrix Zelenka? I kinda wondered how bad it had to be for her to choose BZ. (Bizzy?)

also: Mrs. Munger's class omg!! I used to love that clip. In retrospect it was kinda weird...

snappleaddict said...

Barbara Zelda? Bernadette Zipporah? Brooklyn Zsa Zsa? The world may never know.

J said...

A shout out to Bye Bye Birdie. Totes loves it.

snappleaddict said...

Haha, I was in it in high school, and can't resist a good Telephone Hour joke.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I was just waiting for that cover to be addressed! I realize Stacy was supposed to be pretty hot stuff and look older, but yeah, a 23 year old Playboy Bunny wannabe is a bit much. I think the only other cover she appears on is the one where Sabrina's fatass cousin comes to town, and while she still resembles an 18 year old 80s cheerleader submitting her photos to Seventeen Magazine, at least they're getting closer.

Anyways, to answer your questions: 1. While it is never addressed, I do believe the girl's name is actually B.Z., and the initials do not stand for anything (also, it annoyed me that they physically describe everyone in the book- at least hair and eye color, but BZ not only does not get a real name, but also has no description), 2. I'm not sure how much junior high school principals make, but considering it's usually after a graduate degree as well as 10+ years of experience, I would venture it's at least in or near the 6 figures, and living costs in a small town in Northern Minnesota are next to nothing so Mr. Hansen probably does indeed have bank to spare.

Anyways, great recap, this series is a goldmine for snarking.

Jenny said...

Bye Bye Birdie ftw! ^_^

And according to www.cbsalary.com principal's make somewhere in the neighborhood of $72,000. Take that as you will. ^_^

All I ever remember about the Girl Talk series is that Randy's mom listens to Simon and Garfunkel and that I learned how to pronounce "gauche" thanks to Randy. ^_^

Anonymous said...

I loved the illustration - I couldn't totally picture what Sabrina was wearing, and upon seeing it....well, words fail me.

UneFemmePlusCourageuse said...

I haven't finished reading this post yet, but BZ=Bitchy Zebra and I will be thinking of this girl as such for the rest of your recap.

Anonymous said...

when i was a child, stacy hansen on the cover of this book was what i thought twelve year olds look like.

TessieBambos said...

Hey, I totally have those red shoes. I should get that whole outfit.

mutiaday said...

Omg this is hilarious :))