Monday, January 28, 2008

Sweet Valley Twins #12 Keeping Secrets

Holy craptastic book, this one's awful. Let me begin by saying that I haven't read many Sweet Valley Twins books (which is why this is filed under SVH), as my school library didn't have any and my local (one town over) library at the time hadn't let people in my town get a card. So, by the time I was able to get a library card, I was too old for Sweet Valley Twins, and I've only read about 30 of them or so, if that. I just picked this one up off of the discard shelf, and it only reaffirmed my belief that SVH > SVT.

This piece of trash starts off with our 12 year old twins at home after school, waiting for their father to get home. Apparently he is taking them out to dinner because their mom is working late, and he has a surprise for them. The twins mock Steven, who is doing his laundry and minding his own business, and I wonder why Ned is such a sucky dad that he can't take his only son out, too. Is it not bad enough that Steven cries himself to sleep at night because he was a single birth with brown hair and is bigger than a perfect size 6? Why you gotta playa hate, Ned?

Anyway, Ned comes home and creepily tells the twins that he has a big surprise for them when they get to the restaurant. I bet it's in his pants. He basically ignores Steven, too, who mumbles something about meeting the guys at the Dairi Burger, and takes the twins out.

At Guido's Pizza, Ned tells the twins that now they're old enough to keep a secret, a secret he had as a 12 year old, and he wants to share it with them. If this was a V.C. Andrews book, we'd know where it would be heading, but alas, Ned just has some stupid secret language to teach them. The language is called Ithig, and consists of saying "ithig" after every syllable, and before one syllable words. It's hella dumb, and they go back on their own rules by saying stuff like "th-ithig-ink" and "w-ithig-ill." Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't "think" and "will" one syllable words? Ned's dumb.

Ned tells the twins that the language will be a special thing between the three of them, and that they must not tell others about it. So Steven didn't get to learn this when he was 12? Ned's a dick. Caroline Pearce, Sweet Valley's gossipy redhead comes in and overhears the twins and Ned conversing in Ithig. Ruh-roh!

The next day at school, Caroline has already spread it around that the twins have a secret and Lila is fucking pissed! Jessica and Elizabeth say they promised not to tell anyone, and Jessica is excommunicated from the Church of Lila, while Amy Sutton throws a hissy fit. I liked slutty SVH Amy way better then annoying Elizabeth tagalong Amy. At lunch Amy is sitting in Jessica's spot at the Unicorn Club's table, so she's forced to sit with her loser sister. When the twins arrive at home Steven tells them about this kickass party at Lila's that he was invited to. Apparently some famous tennis star is going to be there. I wonder why Steven is invited to a 12 year old's party in the first place, but I'm glad he was included. I was really concerned for his well-being, what with his deadbeat dad. The twins say that they're not going to the party.

The next day at school Elizabeth finds out Amy was invited to the party too, and is pissed because she says that Amy doesn't even like Lila. Neither do you, Hypocrite McAssface. She becomes even more pissed after school when she finds a letter from Lila to Jessica inviting her to the party...written in Ithig! Elizabeth is pissed that Jessica told Lila, but Jessica says she told because she was tired of being ostracized, except she doesn't use that word because she's not talking about ostriches. I kind of have to agree with Jessica here, as I think it was completely retarded of Ned to make them promise not to tell their friends about the secret language. What fun is it if you can't share it with your friends? I'm completely convinced Ned only wanted the twins to know so he could talk dirty to them in front of other people.

Lila's celebrity party day! Jessica and Steven go, but Elizabeth stays home, saying she's going to write a story. Elizabeth is hella lame, vote for her! After the party Jessica tells her what a winderful time they had, and Elizabeth basically acts like an asshole because the only reason Jessica got to go was because she told Lila about Ithig. Shut up, Elizabeth. Amy calls and tells Elizabeth that she still won't talk to herbecause she's all pissed that Jessica could tell Lila, but Elizabeth couldn't tell her. Elizabeth tries to tell her that she made a promise, but Amy isn't having any of that. Grow up, Amy. Amy says she already learned the stupid language from Lila, and basically gives Elizabeth the finger. Well, I wish she did anyway.

Pretty soon the whole sixth grade is speaking in Ithig. Elizabeth is surprised at everyone's ability, but I'm not. If Jessica could pick it up, anyone can. Their music teacher is out because his wife had a baby, so they have a substitute. The boys steal Lila's purse while the sub, Ms. McDonald, has her back turned, and toss it around the room. Lila gets up to go get it, as it is probably Chanel, and Ms. McDonald turns around and yells at her for being out of her seat. Well, no one talks to Lila like that, so the class all starts speaking Ithig and makes the teacher cry in confusion. Bitch shouldn't have yelled at Lila!

So Lila is still pissed about getting yelled at, and she and her classmates form a plan. Ms. McDonald is going to be evaluated by a school board rep observing in the classroom, and Lila says they should all speak in Ithig so that she gets fired. Lila's out for blood! Elizabeth is now faced with the decision to break her promise to her father, or tell Ms. McDonald how to speak Ithig and save her job. What the fuck, Elizabeth, it's not much of a secret any more, so why is there even a decision? Dumbass.

Elizabeth eventually decides to tell Ms. McDonald, who thanks her for letting her know, but tells her that after hearing the language all day she picked up on how to speak it. Elizabeth is surprised, and attributes Ms. McDonald's smartz to having an ear for music, which extends to picking up languages. Again, Elizabeth, if Jessica could pick it up, why can't everyone? Ugh.

So the school board rep is there at the next class as promised, and Ms. McDonald asks a question and is answered in Ithig. She replies in Ithig, and the class is shocked! Ms. McDonald explains to the school board rep that the sixth graders have a special language and that she'd teach it to him but it's the sixth graders' secret. This earns the students' respect, all except for Lila's. After the class smoothly goes by, Lila demands in the hall who squealed. I'd suspect Elizabeth immediately, but Lila just rants and raves and threatens whoever did it. Easy there, killer!

The book ends with a dumb cliffhanger about how one of the twins' friend's mom is getting married. Remember the cliffhangers of the old SVH books (pre-Margo)? I loved those things.

Can I just say that my boyfriend rules, because he not only supports this blog, but he drove me to a thrift store by him and helped me hunt for books. Thanks to him, I got a shitload of BSC and a few other random ones, so this blog shall go strong for a long time! I did not pick up any of the SVT books there, however, because this one and the only one I had owned as a child, Elizabeth's New Hero, have turned me off of this series. Oh well, there's always SVH to remind me how awesome the Sweet Valley universe can be!



Jessica is totally checking out Elizabeth's lack of boobs, Elizabeth looks stoned, and Caroline looks like a man. No wonder the twins forgot to be mad at her for telling Lila and Amy about Ithig.

4 comments:

reinydeer said...

This is truly one of the worst SVT books evah, so don't rule out reading more due to this one. The one about periods is priceless.

snappleaddict said...

I think I read that one. The only ones I really remember are the ones where Mandy gets cancer, Mary is kidnapped or something, and Big For Christmas, which kicked mega ass.

Lauren said...

This was one of the first two SVT books I ever read - and even then, I wondered what the big effing deal was with the super-secret language. (That, and my brain doesn't work fast enough to rattle away in ithig-talk the way they all picked it up automatically.)

The period book is Jessica's Secret - definitely one of the most snarkworthy SVT books!

TessieBambos said...

Ah, sweet valley. I have a huge collection and still looking. AND DAMN PROUD OF IT, I TELLS YA! Seriously, when I first read this book I tried for ages to get the hang of ithig. I could speak it but it took like, 20 minutes to get a sentence out. Plus, ithig sucks. Has anyone noticed that? it’s fairly boring. Stick to pig Latin Ned. even I can figure that one out. And, yeah, what the hell is the point of a secret language? WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY GOING TO TALK ABOUT! JUST SHUT THE DAMN DOOR FOR PRIVACY. Wow, I think a little bit of Lila-hate rubbed of on me.

The end. I need sweet valley now. I'm going to go find my copy of the Ruby Necklace. now THAT book was both snark-worthy AND kicked ass. Hells yeah!

btw, I LOVE your blog. oxo